Shows / Worthless Clowns
Worthless Clowns
a podcast celebrating life's embarrassing moments, hosted by Ali O'Neil & Brittany Cardwell
Episodes
- Worthless Clowns
THE HORSE IS VERY AWARE OF YOU
Brittany’s cleaning up a toilet bowl full of vomit at her first job, and falling in love with a horse named Fiona. Ali’s shrimp molts and leaves a ghostly…
- Worthless Clowns
WHO BROUGHT THESE ROLLS?
Ali and Brittany film themselves chugging chocolate milk and Gatorade. Brittany calms herself during an MRI by imagining it as noise metal in outer space. Ali…
- Worthless Clowns
HUMILIATING MYSELF ON LINKEDIN
Ali and Brittany do a deep dive into their terrible past relationships. Ali inadvertently makes a young bright-eyed graphic designer question his life’s work…
- Worthless Clowns
THERE'S A TOOTH IN MY BURRITO
Brittany tries to sell comedy tickets to Bill Burr and Jimmy Fallon. Ali commemorates the 2013 Rehoboth Dead Fisher Cat, and creates a dystopian landscape in…
- Worthless Clowns
WE GO TOGETHER LIKE MILK AND CHARDONNAY
Brittany and Ali’s unconscious tries its very best to get them out of their terrible relationships. A listener discovers they may be autistic, but must first…
- Worthless Clowns
MOUNTAIN DEW MEMORY BLAST
For her birthday Brittany’s ex gets her a rage room and a cameo from favorite New Zealand rapper. Ali’s late to all her appointments because she can’t stop…
- Worthless Clowns
GEORGE COSTANZA CAN'T STAND YA
Brittany is depressed and embarrassed that she is unable to order a spicy meal. Ali’s experiencing delusions of her dog chewing her paw. We decide to make…
- Worthless Clowns
MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T KNOW MALE ACTORS
We hype up pre-show by beating our chests, power posing, and self affirming. Brittany struggles to understand the pain scale and telling two famous old men…
- Worthless Clowns
YOU GOT BIG EYES
A man confronts Brittany about her big huge hotdog eyes. Ali chokes up around a band she just got into, and keeps waking up to a country song about boobs. A…
- Worthless Clowns
GUYS LOVE PIXELS
It’s Ali’s one year anniversary of getting hit by a car! And she’s ready to get hit again! Brittany finally realizes what water and addresses are for. A…
- Worthless Clowns
HIS WEAPON WAS HIS LACK OF HYGIENE
We go to Chicago! Ali’s shrimp knowledge is on full display at the aquarium, and a crab is doing Brittany’s physical therapy exercises. A listener plays…
- Worthless Clowns
THIS B**CH LOVES ULTRASOUNDS
It’s Valentines Day (we posted this very very late!). Brittany strips to Chop Suey and makes a fool of herself during an invasive ultrasound. Ali goes…
- Worthless Clowns
I LOVE A HARD-A** REGIONAL WOMAN
We’re back from a long hiatus!!! A lot has happened in the world of Ali’s fish tank. We determine the hottest lions of Lion King, and prep for our photoshoot…
- Worthless Clowns
UPDATES + BRITTANY'S SPECIAL IS COMING OUT!
We've missed you all!!! We've got pod updates for you! PLUS: Brittany's special is out this Tuesday October 21st 8pm (EST) on her YouTube! Watch it, share it…
- Worthless Clowns
I HAVE A PHD IN TONY HAWK PRO SKATER
Ali unloads on an unsuspecting man about Tony Hawk Pro Skater, CYK, and Bam Margera. Brittany gets kidnapped at a Vegas bachelorette party by a Seinfeld…
- Worthless Clowns
I'M THE FISH TANK GUY
Ali befriends a fellow fish tank owner, and roasts Ed Sheeran and Harvard, bigtime. Brittany keeps mistaking Jenna Ortega for her nephew, and holds a stingray…
- Worthless Clowns
THE SMELLIEST GIRL IN GYM CLASS w/ Kelly Taylor
Our very good friend Kelly Taylor joins us!! Kelly blacks out, then wakes up outside her situationship’s house. Ali’s having trouble laughing with a pulled rib…
- Worthless Clowns
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF CLAPPING 101
Brittany gets falsely accused of cheating on a math test based entirely on her poorly written 4s. Ali is introduced to an acquaintance and immediately bullies…
- Worthless Clowns
WE LIKED THE WAY YOU FARTED ON ZOOM
Ali delivers a Powerpoint presentation about her worst f-boy experience to a bunch of inexperienced bachelorettes. Brittany’s mother got bored of documenting…
- Worthless Clowns
MY TWISTED LITTLE EXPERIMENT w/ Joe Nunnink
Joe Nunnink joins us!! Joe sh*ts his pants in a sea of middle school kids, demolishes his giant Lego castle in a rage, and discovers he has an evil super…
- Worthless Clowns
BLASTING INTO MY MEMORIES
Ali gets reprimanded for doing the Napoleon Dynamite dance at a talent show. Brittany keeps getting blasted back into a memory of that one time she felt cool…
- Worthless Clowns
I PROMISE TO BUILD HOMES FOR THESE RATS
Ali’s eating shit in rollerblading class and taking restaurant rules way too literally. Brittany’s getting harassed by a reptile enthusiast and dates a man…
- Worthless Clowns
STOP TALKING ABOUT THE TITANIC w/ Lucia Whalen
Lucia Whalen (What a Waste Pod) joins us!! Lucia’s at a wedding stealing the show with her medically-bad sunburn, and demands that everyone please stop talking…
- Worthless Clowns
BUTT OUT IN A KAYAK
Ali’s butt-out in goth makeup, capsizing a kayak. Brittany’s roasting her brother’s love of lambs, hate of broken brownies, and letters to mommy and daddy. A…
- Worthless Clowns
I GOT SNAKES IN MY POCKETS
We decide on our couple’s name, it’s: Briali. Ali’s at Jesus camp using a tampon wrong and pretending it didn’t just fall out into the pool. For Christmas…
- Worthless Clowns
I'D LOVE TO SMELL YOUR HAIR w/ Steven Rogers
Our good friend, Steven Rogers (Colbert), joins us for his induction into the Repeat-guest Hall of Fame. Steven’s newly single, (not) approaching women reading…
- Worthless Clowns
POOP FAMILY ARRESTED FOR FRAUD
Ali has a life changing dream about a celebrated family of inventors called “The Poops.” Brittany is 8 years old, failing hard at pretending not to have a…
- Worthless Clowns
WHATEVER DADDY WANTS
Ali’s brother takes a risk making small chat with dudes in a dark sauna. Brittany’s college roommate makes their dorm room into a depression sanctuary. RAT…
- Worthless Clowns
I USED MY AGENCY AND I FEEL POWERFUL w/Shaunak Godkhindi
Shaunak Godkhindi (Don't Tell Comedy) is our special guest!! Shaunak is on a date in his pajamas at Taco Bell, missing every single sign this girl is into him…
- Worthless Clowns
MY AFFAIR WITH CRIS ANGEL, MIND FREAK
Brittany gets ASMR from a Nick Cave concert, and sends a foreboding message to everyone she knows. Ali adds to her frog collection every time she gets sad, and…
- Worthless Clowns
NO ONE KNOWS I'M WEARING A BACK BRACE
Brittany’s brother makes her cry just by saying “GECKO.” Ali and her work friend switch shirts and are the only ones laughing about it. A woman accidentally…
- Worthless Clowns
IT'S ME OR THE CLOWNS
Ali witnesses a man projectile vomit onto himself, and hooks up with the entire rugby team. Brittany’s brother regrets playing Pretty Pretty Princess and…
- Worthless Clowns
THIS GUY'S GOT A WIFE?
Ali and Brittany start two separate pods about fish and horses. Ali turns her room into an immersive fish tank experience. Brittany gets called “ISIS” by a man…
- Worthless Clowns
FLASHING THE UPS GUY
Ali accidentally flashes the UPS guy. Brittany’s serious conversation with her boyfriend gets interrupted by a brand new set of fake boobs. A woman severely…
- Worthless Clowns
I'M DEFINITELY STRAIGHT AND HERE'S HOW I FOUND OUT w/ Lucas Connolly
We’ve got a special guest this week: it’s Lucas Connolly (Comedy Central)!! Lucas tries to lose his virginity through an elaborate craigslist ad, but loses an…
- Worthless Clowns
PAYING TAXES THEN WETTING THE BED
Ali craves the respect of a man who pisses his pants every day on Tik Tok, and gets swallowed by a snake. Brittany clogs the hotel toilet, pees her pants at a…
- Worthless Clowns
TWO 4S DRINKIN BEERS
Ali and her boyfriend get hit by a car on Valentine’s day and all they want is an apology. Brittany’s terrible childhood dog poops his way into the afterlife…
- Worthless Clowns
DID YOU BRING THIS? w/ Gabby Jordan Brown
Gabby Jordan Brown (Two Nosy Meerkats pod) joins us!! Gabby does some bad Facebook detective work, fails to connect with a woman over a chicken photo, and has…
- Worthless Clowns
IT'S LAVA LAMP FRIDAY
Brittany has a crush on the prettiest girl in school, and reminisces on the first time she saw a cow take a dump. Ali ruins Fridays for interns with her lava…
- Worthless Clowns
I GOT PROS IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES
Ali stops being a vegetarian so that she’s free to become a vampire, and shares her new special interest in fish tanks. Brittany’s parents tricked her into…
- Worthless Clowns
I ATE TOO MANY EGGS AND SPIRALED INTO DARKNESS
Brittany goes to Monster Jam, and is beefing up to catch a predator. Ali gets scammed by two plumbers who are scared of her dog. A man eats 116 eggs and can no…
- Worthless Clowns
WHY IS BRO EATING SNICKERS LIKE THAT w/Mike Brown
Mike Brown (Comedy Central, PBS) is our special guest this week! Mike regrets begging for love, and eats his Snickers different. Ali riffs with her…
- Worthless Clowns
CLOGGED THE TOILET WITH MY VAPE
Ali ceremoniously quits nicotine by clogging her toilet with her vape. Brittany puts her life in the hands of an ultrasound technician obsessed with…
- Worthless Clowns
WALKING AROUND LIKE A GOTH LITTLE KAREN
We’re getting this friendship notarized!!! Brittany’s on the train getting flashed secret messages from a strange man, and getting rejected by the fire…
- Worthless Clowns
WHAT DID YOU GET ON THE BRISTOL STOOL SCALE? w/ Carmen Lagala
Carmen Lagala (Colbert, Don’t Tell) joins us! Carmen’s figuring out where she’s at on the Bristol stool chart, throwing up juice, and hitting on mascots. Ali…
- Worthless Clowns
INVITE ME INTO THE NEXT JOKES TOMORROW
Ali’s dad reprimands her for creating a straw-based religious stereotype. Brittany joins a terrorist group of boys from middle school math class. A man rips up…
- Worthless Clowns
I FEAR I DON'T KNOW THIS WOMAN AT ALL
Ali spends xmas shooting cans with pellet guns, and gifting piss bottles. Brittany’s dad is “reborn” after watching Wicked, and Ali’s dad tries to connect by…
- Worthless Clowns
TRACKING DOG SH** INTO MUSIC CLASS w/Jake Silberman
Jake Silberman joins us!! Jake is flipping cop cars, comforting women on trains, and tracking dog shit into band class. Ali and Brittany finally grow out of…
- Worthless Clowns
SOMETIMES MY MIND COMES OUT ALL THE WAY
Brittany walks on eggshells at a Tokyo cat cafe with 1000 rules. Ali defends the Fighting Irish and gets invited to a dog birthday party. A man criticizes his…
- Worthless Clowns
ROBBED BY TEENS WITH SQUIRT GUNS
We accidentally manifest getting mugged by two teenagers, BIG TIME! Brittany falls in love with a game that lets her practice lying. Ali’s brother and…
- Worthless Clowns
THROWBACK EP: WHEN BOOGERS WERE BIG w/Shane Torres
Throwback ep!! Shane Torres (Conan, Comedy Central) joins us!! We turn into The Korn Pod. Shane is impressed by a bread-throwing child. Brittany tries to hatch…
- Worthless Clowns
I HOPE IT'S OK I'M BALD SOMETIMES w/ James Coburn
James Coburn joins us!! James loses complete control of his life and his bowels, wakes up bald and vulnerable, and overcomes it all with a Walgreens purchase…
- Worthless Clowns
CHUGGING HOT SAUCE IN A JOB INTERVIEW
Ali loses the respect of her roommates after inviting a stray cat in, and sending too many Teletubbies gifs. Brittany’s noise band friend cannot bring himself…
- Worthless Clowns
I DON'T UNDERSTAND CHOOSING THE CLARINET
Ali gets a black eye for her loud outfit, and loses her senior year talent show to a man playing Thrift Shop on the trombone. Brittany’s friend is convinced…
- Worthless Clowns
PLAYING WITH HOTWHEELS THEN GETTING YOUR PERIOD
Ali’s dad takes it upon himself to protect the neighborhood from crime and steal his daughter’s jokes. Brittany’s indulging in sadness and shit talking herself…
- Worthless Clowns
EATING GUACAMOLE WITH MY BUSH OUT w/Andrea Allan
We’re joined by special guest Andrea Allan (Respectfully pod)!! Andrea ask her crush to prom, gets rejected, then resorts to infiltrating his unconscious…
- Worthless Clowns
TOO MANY PICTURES OF DOG BALLS
Brittany gets stuck in her lucid dreams, and gets scolded by a very disappointed man. Ali’s camera roll is full of dog pictures but not the kind you’d expect…
- Worthless Clowns
MEN HAVE THROWN CHAIRS AT HER: A MEMOIR
Brittany witnesses New York’s annual bird conference, and is super disappointed by a log simulation. Ali’s aunt’s dog murders an entire family of Guinea pigs…
- Worthless Clowns
EVERY HAMSTER DIES THE WORST DEATH
Brittany’s convinced her head is filled with ear wigs. Ali learns to love her new vape, and accidentally goes extremist on the store attendant. TOP 10 MOST…
- Worthless Clowns
I'M FULL OF IDEAS ABOUT CRIMES
We accidentally plagiarize the Discovery Channel for 30 full minutes, and write a commercial for Ozempic. Brittany’s stuck in the gift cycle of abuse, and has…