Shows / Hello Dysfunction
Hello Dysfunction
A raw and hilarious dive into current events, familial chaos, awkward sexual experiences, navigating mental illness, gossip, and the political dumpster fire we’re all forced to live in.
Episodes
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep135: Put It In My Dead Mouth
Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Leo the cat used one of his lives and vets are kinda like car salesman. The art show is next week so buy your tickets now! PeePee…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep134: Discount Code.. Hello
Crystal has boob sweat, Pata Fria’s back is broken. Pay attention to signs from the universe, love your friends while they’re here, Pata Fria is planning yet…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep133: Don't Judge Me, But...
There’s a cat in the room and it’s Bunny’s birthday!! Crystal had a Reno getaway, Pata Fria’s had a busy busy week. DNA testing, c-sections are serious…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep132: Sharing The Dysfunction- feat. Judge Us Not Podcast
This week we tried something new and linked with the Judge Us Not podcast for some male perspective! We hope you enjoy! Check out this week’s sponsor! •…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep131: She's A Lot Like The Caldecott Tunnel
Pray we aren’t getting sick, keep an eye on creepy teachers, technology is really changing lives. There’s now a huge free resource for sex workers, don’t…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep130: Let's Talk About My Tits
Crystal has dry socket, Pata Fria doesn’t have new brows but she does have new bras. Hackers are active on IG and we’re just constantly reminded how awful…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep129: I'm Sorry, Robyn
Crystal is a registered foster dog mom, Pata Fria had a really nice bday. Nothing ever goes smooth so just laugh. This week’s tv recommendations are: •…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep128: Thank You Jessica Simpson
Gemini season is upon us, don’t be outside with a dookie stain, urine therapy is not real and pregnancy fetish is pretty popular. Piercing is much worse the…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep127: He Bought Me These Pumps
Happy Mother’s Day, warm weather is upon us, Pata Fria is being responsible. Everybody doesn’t need kids, go thru your family’s texts, Crystal loves vibrating…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep126: Parsley Pussy
A day late and a dollar short. Crystal is missing her foster puppy and Pata Fria had a rollercoaster of a week. Beware of ticks, scabies and Californians may…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep125: Hood Foarder
Crystal has vertigo and a close relationship with AAA. Covid is still here, Rest In Peace CY. Pata Fria is liking her meds but being around people is still…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep124: Are You Dru Down?
We had some technical difficulties recording this episode, bear with us. Pata Fria is planning another surgery, Crystal had a run in with the cops. Bra…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep123: Liver Spotted Dick
Crystal’s favorite store is gone, Billy is at it again, don’t see clients in Discovery Bay and monitor your kid’s porn searches. Happy Birthday Mark and Pata…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep122: 2021 Women in Podcasting
April Fools, Easter and making sure everyone showers. Crystal is still betraying Pata Fria in her dreams and both are fully vaccinated. Don’t rush your…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep121: Fuck You And Them Fish
The hot weather is not appreciated, Crystal is BACK in FB jail, Sharon Osbourne is shit, Chet Hanks is embarrassing. The universe is hella funny sometimes…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep120: Side Boob & Stained Holes
Crystal nearly dislocated her shoulder, Pata Fria’s dysfunctional trip to the snow, Billy loves Elvis, onlygrans, watch your mouth on the phone and keep it…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep119: Peeing is OK
Nostalgic cravings, an old dumb monarchy, there’s always gold in the comments. Sharon Osbourne is gross, we love positive examples of sex workers, virginity is…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep118: Silly Goose
Crystal is emotional, Pata Fria is not Italian. Stretch your butthole. Post our dead pics. How to hire a hooker and mosquito-eaters are harmless. This week’s…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep117: Dry Gas
Crystal got her final vaccine, Pata Fria has gerd. Don't have power trips while driving and be very careful using uber and lyft. Cute puppies, perform a random…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep116: Who is The Real Throat Goat
We’re entering the world of video. Crystal’s cat has fallen in love. Acid reflux feels like death is near. There’s a teen missing from Richmond. Cleaning your…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep115: Jacket And Shoes With No Pants On
Disrespectful dreams. Carolyn gets a haircut. What do you want to be when you grow up? The truth from Doug. Wishing Tessica the best. Sex work really is…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep114: Trigger Warning
It’s been a really dysfunctional week. The original is always better than a copy. There’s been a horrible local murder. Awkward parenting moments, the…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep113: “Most Valuble Playa”
It’s raining it’s pouring, Crystal got the vaccine and is in Facebook jail, AGAIN! Constipated babies, postpartum hair loss and Pata Fria might not be asexual…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep112: Find My Balls
Crystal blows a nervous kiss, we reintroduce ourselves and Pata Fria’s mom hates green. Michigan is taking steps in the right direction, aggressive hippos are…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep111: Wait, Look At My Socks
Crystal thought she had Covid. Coffee is just a blindfold. Take care of your credit and cheese is more addicting than crack. Vaping isn’t safer than cigs and…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep110: Never Having Sex With You Again
Covid is acting a fool, protect your toes! Carolyn takes a fall, grieving is tough, are you being accountable for your own actions? Celebrities and their…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep109: Sex Shouldn't Hurt Others
2020 is trying to kill Pata Fria. Always practice fire safety. Having kids later in life might be the way to go and Pee Pee is very spiritual. Wipe your…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep108: E-40 Raised Me
It’s been a rough week. The vaccine is here, register your sons for a draft?? Some breaking news in really old cases, and the best verzuz yet. Take care of…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep107: I Choose Violence
Don’t eat the McRib. Kids say the darndest things. Pata Fria chose comfort, LOCK UP YOUR GUNS, now isn’t the time to travel and beware of secret envy. This…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep106: Dessert Eggs
It’s been a CRAZY week. Irish cream is back, our families aren’t doing well, the covid vaccine is coming. Let’s read more books, weird new citizenship…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep105: Beautiful
Xmas is here, let the decorating begin! Covid scares, crazy soup and a platform shoe. Astral projection, helping our communities and cold raviolis. This week’s…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep104: And Altso
Rainy days, xmas decorations and cat capes. Independent women jumping batteries, covid is acting up again, don’t be materialistic. Discrimination, mental…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep103: Vocal Dancing
New car, new president, cold weather and the holidays are now upon us. A really uncomfortable revelation and tons of great listener write ins! This weeks tv…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep102: Bisexual Criminal
It’s election day and we’re stressed. Halloween, nightmares and menopause. Mysterious medical records, men hitting women, dark humor and managing anger. Check…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep101: We're Barbers
Menopause, haircuts and skywriting. Don’t bully your kids, watch out for pipe bombs and always check the walls. Interesting groups, childhood weirdness, we got…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep100: You Better Not Suck It
It’s our 100th episode!! Please make sure you vote like your life depends on it, if you find money keep it, can we lean more towards home remedies? Cleaning…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep99: Save The Mexican Pizza
Post office drama, phone overboard, trigger warnings are important and what is the electoral vote! Raccoon babies have arrived, catfish is staged, Saturday is…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep98: Mrs. Buttersworth
Beware of guitar picks, Dottie is happy, baby and Carolyn are getting sassy. Halloween is cancelled, PLEASE make sure you vote. *Trigger warning: domestic…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep97: Don’t Scream In The Bank
We’re back! Hospital nightmares, no skin checks, vaginas do bleach panties. Monitor your kid’s zoom messages and don’t scream in the bank. Ratched is this…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep96: Nose Stink
Our new baby is here!! The rough ride is finally over, Crystal is healing with a frustrating new side effect, please wash yourself thoroughly before receiving…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep95: Can You Even Fit Your Fingers In There?
Today’s the big day! Taco Bell KEEPS breaking our heart, Crystal is experiencing some interesting nasal changes, we share secrets on this podcast. Celebrity…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep94: Poop Knife
Crystal updates us on her surgery while Pata Fria prepares for hers. Family drama, lots of bullsh*tting on OF, an injured testicle. A funny work story, a…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep93: Vaginal Preservation
Crystal is nervous about surgery and guys are really gross. Our air quality is awful and depression is on the rise. Kittens are available! vaginas weren't made…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep92: I'm A Receipt Keeping Bitch
This week we’re celebrating Crystal’s birthday, playing matchmaker and calling out bullshit. Unexpected places to blow off steam, listener write-ins and…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep91: Ghosts Are Assholes
Waking up to some bad news, Crystal is Snow White in her dreams and don't ever question what someone else is purchasing. Fruit cocktail is tied to some…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep90: The Spence Stinkies
Crystal is dressed like The Ultimate Warrior, Pata Fria is having contractions. Wear clean underwear for your medical procedures. Don’t have strangers text…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep89: Maybe Don’t Eat Canned Meat
Welcome back...some babies have arrived, court went well, cats cast spells, watch out for things sucking your feet! Check expiration dates everywhere, don’t…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep88: Speaking Of Heavy Meats
We’re back with a bang and good news from our doctors! Crystal had a long visit inside a small chamber, spiders can’t be trusted, keep your kids close but give…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep87: Kevin Is Famous
California is shut back down, we might lose the Oakland zoo, Crystal and Kevin made the news! Stop following problematic artists, Oklahoma natives are owed…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep86: You Go Fight At Cheese Park
Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Fires, no sleep, bubonic plague and firecrackers. Racists exposing themselves, a sad election and a couple fights. Always put your…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep85: Just Leave Him
Busy busy week learning new technology. Crystal’s been diffusing family drama and Pata Fria is stressed from not working. Covid is alive and well and it looks…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep84: Always Wipe The Pee Off
Happy Juneteenth/Father’s Day/Birthday! The ghost is picking on Dottie, Corona is alive and well, please rinse your damn dishes and everyone needs to wipe…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep83: Crest With Sparkles
Family drama, celebrities in trouble, a heart attack scare. Police are being erased from tv, company branding is getting a much needed makeover and a few…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep82: She Ate The Carpet
We’re back after a break, discussing some of what’s going on in the world. The importance of always speaking up, in the RIGHT way. Problematic family members…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep81: Bitch, She's On TikTok
It’s been a long hot week and we’re still under quarantine. Sometimes “friends” can be weird. Please practice some online etiquette, Crystal is now offering…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep80: Is Lucy Missing Money?
Happy Birthday Malcolm X and Pata Fria. Dottie is on her way out, a new animal is on the scene and pelvic pain is the worst. Find out if Crystal is under…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep79: My Tits Were My Best Personality Trait
We're back again wishing Stevie Wonder and Dottie a happy birthday. Crystal's animal rescue foundation has re-homed all the kittens as she continues work as a…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep78: Your Butthole Is Not For Vengeance
We're back from a break because let's face it, sometimes life takes over. Cinco de Mayo is for drinking, we visit lots of weird news, and why were all…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep77: Hit It With Something Wet
Our brains are getting bored and we’re all dreamers. Home school is stressful. Health over capitalism. Must see show/film recommendations. Frankenstein is…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep76: Mom’s New Sex Toy
Same old shit, different day. Crystal and Pata Fria handled a joint dog catching assignment. Happy Birthday to Crystal’s mom Charlene. Pata Fria is doing a new…