Shows / Hello Dysfunction
Hello Dysfunction
A raw and hilarious dive into current events, familial chaos, awkward sexual experiences, navigating mental illness, gossip, and the political dumpster fire we’re all forced to live in.
Episodes
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep194: Who’s Knocking?
We’re back after a week of chaos! Please provide others with the type of service you’d like to receive. Pata Fria finally got her tree up. Vaginal issues feel…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep193: Business In The Bathrobe
We’re back and better than ever! We love men who cry, break ups are embarrassing, we love meeting listeners and don’t lie about sleeping with people. Check out…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep192: Little Mama
Starting out with a little ASMR. They aren’t called “windmeals”. You gotta be a little well off to really enjoy Disney. Childhood makes you the person you’ll…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep191: Bang Bang Niner Gang
Welcome to episode 191 Peez swings on everyone, genetics are crazy and we’re slowly becoming our moms. Don’t send illegal things thru the mail, Crystal has…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep190: Pata Freak
Peez introduced this episode, Crystal serenaded our intro, Toto is timeless and Pata Fria might be drunk. There’s a new Damato in the gang, 80’s Cabbage Patch…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep189: Ruby Edgewood
Welcome. This is not a scam. Knees are getting injured left and right, Peez had a meltdown in front of the paramedics and Mexican pizzas have been subpar…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep188: Your Sleeping Bag Stinks
It’s our anniversary. Familial masturbation is awkward. Pata Fria’s ghost is jealous again. The wedding was beautiful and Crystal beat a ticket! Be grateful…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep187: Small Town Girl
If you don’t like us, we feel you. Pata Fria was given a defective vagina, Crystal used to love morning after pills and there’s a fine line between subtle…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep186: Her Shoes Don't Fit
Pata Fria is a bio hacker. Roasting yourself is empowering! Bring back pink popcorn, more lavender foods and bad moms are a popular theme this week. It’s…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep185: One, Two, Three, Six
Happy Birthday Peez!! Hers a big girl and is already acting like it. The Queen has passed. Now return the stolen artifacts. We’ve been having record breaking…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep184: It's Ramen Time
CHREEEEEEEES!! We feel sick. Crystal is a woodworker. Don’t sleep with your dead pets and Pata Fria is opening a Montessori school. Be patient with your…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep183: Murder Was The Case
The kids are back to school and bringing home germs, yay! Crystal is a contractor specializing in residential renovations. The local Starbucks needs to train…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep182: Not Classy And Kind Of Annoying
Happy Birthday Crystal!!! Camping was a shit show, trouble follows us everywhere and influencer drama has us in a chokehold. Reviewing some unnecessary write…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep181: Contist
Leo season is upon us. We’re recording in a bed. Is Pata Fria’s ig gone forever? Crystal’s house and nerves are in disarray, Pata Fria and Will started fasting…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep180: He Was On Demon Time
We’re doing our best. Crystal’s house is all over the place, Pata Fria is a carpet cleaning professional, stop leaving your lashes everywhere. We’re still…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep179: Don't Call CPS
Is the Choco Taco really saying goodbye? Kids, finish your raisin water, snap peas and blackberries. Shaving Cream has a lot of uses! Your name coulda been…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep178: Mexican Violence Juice
Welcome to grow tf up everything isn’t funny. Carolyn might be getting a roommate, Pata Fria is becoming a gamer and we might move to LA. Never leave your kids…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep177: Slugging
Back loving the Blood Mary’s. Let’s all get new haircuts. We live in hell, boric acid is not for everyday use and if you’re into skat play safe! People…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep176: Dickfished
In person is always better. Everything in moderation, even the good stuff. If you love me, play dead. Loss of a pet is insanely rough. If you’re gonna dress up…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep175: Betty Gotta Go
We’re so happy to be back. We would like a Raisin Bran sponsorship. Now Bunny has Covid. Be careful driving cars that backfire. Bladder botox is ridiculous and…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep174: Tweeker Pooh
We’re back! Crystal and family had Covid, Pata Fria ran away to Florida. iPhones are messy, don’t make new videos of dead loved ones, Crystal will never stop…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep173: Don't Come Here Clean
Pata Fria got a Mexican denture and surprised herself with how creative she gets while hurt. Crystal got a special voicemail and visit right when she needed…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep172: Roach Girl
It’s hot. Roaches are never welcome. Crystal is a caring death doula and guns are outta control. Pata Fria is more prude than you’d expect, thank god for…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep171: We Be Havin' Thangs
Happy Birthday Pata Fria. Don’t call me “lil mama”. Be extra nice nice to the ugly produce and Aunt Debra is a damn fool. Being a woman is annoying, not…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep170: Little Wet Friend
We’re almost 4 years old!! Pata Fria is back from Mexico. Carolyn might have a keepsake for sale and we have a new beauty secret to share. Check out this…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep169: Just Date Crows
Crystal is an adult cheerleader. Keep politics out of our vaginas. Hyper sexual children are more common than some realize and love at first month is totally…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep168: We're Trying
Coffee is a trickster. Tomatoes used to be a lot better tasting. Stop telling everyone your family planning and extreme cheapskates are great. Crystal is ALL…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep167: Fluffer
Welcome. Pata Fria draws nice stars. Crystal’s “what ifs” are non stop. Don’t fall for IG scams. Don’t forget your kids places, honest people still do exist…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep166: Loser Juice
Wanna smooth things out? Make a dance routine. Women are really in constant physical pain. Water isn’t a good time and cannibalism should be legal. Personality…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep165: Parliament Belt
Eat cinnamon mentos for dinner. Our kids been stressing us to death and we hate Pepsi. Our recording decor is really classy and Netflix is being greedy. Tips…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep164: Gas Station Pedophile
RIP to our dear listener Lauren. Do your laundry. Carolyn needs to make some money. Divorce is ok!! Swear on your own life. It pays to be a good person and…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep163: It's A Testicle Puzzle
Two mentally ill moms… Is Pata Fria retired? Crystal is still talking to strangers. New hair, who dis? Crystal needs to delete games off her phone. Hand me…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep162: Galavanting
Pata Fria’s voice is returning. We’re still wearing masks. Depression is a stupid bitch. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover and beware of mountain lions in your…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep161: Kill Your Rapist
Excedrine is that girl. Don’t take our medical advice. iPhone “Share My Location” is not always accurate. Crystal gives great history lessons. Pray for…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep160: CREAM
Trauma makes you funny. Where is Pata Fria’s period. We’re kids with kids and the Olympics are racist. We got really sweet valentines, Crystal got embarrassing…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep159: Move Bitch
Crystal brought us in with a very 90s serenade. Love Day is upon us. Pata Fria got new lashes. Don’t break anyone’s heart. Chode vs mushroom Check out this…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep158: Air Fryer Cult
Crystal is singing again. We’re tired of paying bills. The groundhog saw his shadow. We’re not role models. Decriminalize drug use. Kill your local rapist…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep157: Red Rocket
Botox time is always a joy. This is a luxury trailer community. New Year’s resolution for couples. Billionaires don’t need space toys. Check out this week’s…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep156: Phantom Souls
Welcome to the smoking closet. Crystal has tough lungs and more unlocked memories. Don’t fake the funk. Pata Fria wants a spiked ring of ownership and McKenzie…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep155: You Pissed On The Baby
Today’s episode is gross. There is no singing today. We’re definitely from the older generation, hygiene is being brought up AGAIN. Tweaker fights are the…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep154: I Have Good News
Everybody’s sick. We’re old. Crystal’s paranormal roommates have been ACTIVE. Try to stay on top of your meds and don’t be a cheater. Check out this week’s…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep153: On God's Birthday
Last episode of the year; 2021 has not been kind. You can stop being friends without becoming enemies. CDC said go to work. Don’t buy your kids tattoo…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep152: AIDS Staples
We’re not starting a pet furniture line. They can’t all be good days. Crystal has been living on IG live. Treat yourself to an occasional visit from a…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep151: It's a Pussy Wig
We’re so happy to be back. Don’t let anyone put you in a closet. Self love shouldn’t bother you. Sober sex is different! Tattoos are great. If you’d like to…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep150: Make Me a Marionette
We love you Billy. National Day of Mourning. Don’t learn to make greens on the internet. Autopsy tours should be a thing. Frankenstein has moved out. Hippos…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep149: Ol' Trusty Red
We’re back after a rough couple weeks. Pata Fria has a plastic surgery addiction. Billy gave us a huge scare. Check in with your kids and take mental health as…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep148: Italian Instinct
It’s our 3 year anniversary week!! The new iPhone update might have a sneaky new feature. Bad service in a restaurant is really a mood killer and if Crystal…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep147: I"m a Big Ass Trick
Retrograde is bringing them old thangs back, don’t raise our rent. Crystal is a cool mom and also a part time plumber. Trains vs threesomes and Pata Fria…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep146: Why I Didn't Find One?
We’re back together again! Crystal is a sex queen. Bunny’s becoming a bit of a problem and please always wash your hands! Check out this week’s sponsors! •…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep145: You're Not To Be Trusted
Keep you head on a swivel, weirdos are out there. Raising sons isn’t always a great time. Pumpkin season is upon us and tiktok is great for life hacks. Check…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep144: May The Best Pussy Win
Please note, this is our first episode recorded separately due to covid. Our quality of sound may have been somewhat compromised. A few updates, a few write…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep143: Dumb, Dumber, And a Baby
Crystal Barbie wasn’t real, call her Crystal hot tits. Everyone needs to explode sometimes. HSP explains a lot. PeePee is doing much better, Natalia made…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep142: Let's Joust
Bunny had her first fight, Crystal ate some bad food, Pata Fria is loving store deliveries and curbside service. When was the last time you ran full speed?…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep141: Creamies
Happy Birthday Crystal, fussy babies and the first day of school. Don’t eat chocolate in the bed and does anyone know how long plan B lasts? Check out this…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep140: And I Wasn't On Drugs
Crystal got embarrassed at Alpha Beta and has ugly nails. Pata Fria is a lonely girl, but don’t marry your cousin or your child. Starbucks is really slackin so…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep139: Meat Sweats
PMS is killing us. Was Crystal actually a southern woman in a past life? America’s eating habits are embarrassing. Don’t wait for the stink. Check out this…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep138: Hide Your Wieners
We’re still wearing masks, Pata Fria’s sex drive is on it’s way back and Crystal got her mouth clawed. Don’t poison your family, be passive aggressive or start…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep137: Beefy Mustache
We’re happy to be back, last week was eventful. Art show was a success, Crystal samples drinks before buying and Pata Fria is fixing her Marge. Please practice…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep136: Pull Those Leggings Down
Welcome to the news. PeePee is small and if you don’t have a medical clearance please make sure you’re at our art show. Pata Fria had a really vivid dream and…