Shows / Hello Dysfunction
Hello Dysfunction
A raw and hilarious dive into current events, familial chaos, awkward sexual experiences, navigating mental illness, gossip, and the political dumpster fire we’re all forced to live in.
Episodes
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep254: The Rodeo Raper
Pata Fria got her lips fixed and did some spring cleaning, Crystal has been spending some time in the community, the universe has been on Richard’s ass and…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep253: Leave William Alone
We’re back! Crystal was sick, William almost died, Carolyn is getting security cameras and anxiety has been ruining Pata Fria’s plans. Middle school kids are…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep252: Freak Show Menu
Carolyn and Pata Fria are out of control, it’s SA Awareness Month, we’re praying for a new reality show and if you exploit ppl you deserve to be a little…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep251: Sophia
FREE PALESTINE and s/o any countries finally stepping in, check online for unclaimed money, treat yourself to a new bra, it’s hard to stay asleep and Pata Fria…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep250: Don't Doorbell Ditch
Cemeteries are shady, we’re clearing out some merch, mail is still being stolen and Crystal’s ghost is getting personal. We may have discovered the cutest job…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep249: The Truth Ain't in You
Chemtrails are making us sick, be careful at CVS, the caregiver saga continues and Pata Fria’s exes are all in sync. Let’s try fake toenails, Crystal has new…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep248: Cement Shoes
Being a woman is fun, said no one ever. Crystal is experiencing life thru a new lens. Brain disorders really hinder being a human and Pata Fria overcame a…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep247: Why Aren't We Purging?
Phone service was down, stay away from minors, numbing spray works wonders and we’re full of worms. Girl Scouts are cancelled, celebrities are gross and be…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep246: Young Sicko
Happy Valentine’s Day, don’t eat bees, tweakers are so horny and drugs aren’t safe to experiment with anymore. For bonus episodes and early releases join…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep245: Rigamarole
We had a little technical difficulty in the beginning but here we are. Testing new lighting, football fans are insane, perimenopause is upon us and being alone…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep244: Donald Duck Setup
Crystal had Covid, let’s read books, the rain won’t stop and getting old is not a good time. Prepare your kids for adulthood, women are pervs too, don’t ask…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep243: Manipulative Bowel Movement
Peez has new pets, resellers are still annoying, physical reactions to genocide are normal and Rick Owens is a good brand to support. Could your dad be a…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep242: Professor of Rats
Riding with Crystal is an adventure, Peez has been cussing a LOT, Pata Fria is having a really bad week and we’re all ingesting plastic. Do you ever plan for…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep241: It's GOODNIGHT
We love a good garage sale but hate reseller price gouging. Crystal met an animal that doesn’t love her for once. Don’t raise your kids to be mean girls and…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep240: My Dad's Dick
Xmas is still going, we love a man’s man, women need to carry guns and we would actually be really bad cops. Pata Fria might start taking tattoo appts, our…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep239: I'm Sorry Officer
The hangout was a success, making your partner a mixtape is true love, Crystal got to share some holiday spirit and Santa has been commodified. Bingo gets…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep238: Watermelon and Hammer Pants
We’re back after a month. The flu is not playing fair, Crystal is hit with tragedy once again and losing Carl was a loss for so many. Who’s doing the hiring at…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep237: Product of a Sex Appointment
Crystal has on cute socks and Pata Fria is losing her voice. Migraines can ruin your life, toddlers are insane, coffee and books have been the vibe this week…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep236: Another Horny Scorpio
Pata Fria’s whole house is sick, wear your shoes while you can because they crumble, beware of the Bernie’s and please keep spreading the truth about this…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep235: Thank You White People
Mark is on a honeymoon with his mom, FREE PALESTINE, always acknowledge rock ‘n roll, STD’s have a dark origin, discovering new coffees is fun and diaper rash…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep234: Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween guys!! Pata Fria is having a really rough menstrual moment, when working with old folks maybe leave your bad attitude at home, teenage house…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep233: It's My Birthday
Xmas tree scented candle got us in the spirit, Crystal doesn’t deserve the amount of poop she has to deal with, never trust a sneaky bum and do not wear super…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep232: Insatiable
FREE PALESTINE. Karma is gonna get shady car mechanics., our priorities are not in order, school stuff is stressful and bidets are fun. Don’t outshine the…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep231: Funky Clown
FREE PALESTINE. Busy days are rough, black mold is dangerous, kids should not be dealing w discrimination in 2023 and Peez is really a ray of sunshine. Beware…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep230: Happy Birthday HD
Twinkle twinkle…it’s been 5 whole years! Thank you to everyone that’s been with us for the ride. Crystal has a typical Hello Dysfunction encounter. Pata Fria…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep229: Possible Meteor
Pata Fria is feeling like vertigo, Crystal has had ENOUGH. Carolyn makes a gruesome discovery and once again our girl is called in for duty. Keep your creepy…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep228: She's Hot
Dogs are a huge responsibility. Crystal is still trying to re-home a really great fur baby. Disneyland for Peez was an amazing time and podcasts are perfect…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep227: I'm Coming, Daddy
Old fashioned training diapers were painful. Manners are SO important. We need to go on a Midwest thrifting tour and Crystal is ready to call 911 at ALL times…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep226: Stop Talking
Crystal needs to CHILL OUT. Peez is having a big girl week. Teach your kids to keep their hands off other ppl’s property and we’ve updated some things on…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep225: Trig
Mosquitos are attacking. We’re on YouTube. Corn really angers Crystal and Pata Fria wants a stud farmer. Since it’s available, everyone should be using full…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep224: Drippy Drippy
Hot weather sucks. Don’t hang out near people’s front door. Peez is a singer, anonymous harassment is cowardly and technology is getting scary. Tempers are…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep223: Put On a Tool Belt
We’ve had a week of bullshit, another one bites the dust, more words we like and some new natural biohacks. Watch who you pocket dial, costume jewelry is not…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep222: Just Say You're No Fun
Pat is recovering from alcohol poisoning. The live shows were more than we ever hoped for. Crystal thinks she has a “dance space”. Nations got us thinking…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep221: Say Excuse Me
We’re bleeding, overwhelmed and preparing for the live shows. Pata Fria is testing a new intimate bleaching cream, it’s Jimbo’s birthday, William hurt himself…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep220: Murder Deluxe
It’s been a rough eventful week. Crystal is losing a toenail, displays excellent self control and has another new word for us. Pata Fria got a new car, shot…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep219: Lackadaisical
We’re fancy and video production has begun. Pata Fria is experiencing creative mania, Crystal is showing off her vocabulary and if someone asks you about an…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep218: Can Crystal Get a Break?
Finally some nice weather. Happy Birthday Bunny! RIP Billy and shoutout to all the great dads. Real panic auto adjusts your senses, stay out of submarines…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep217: When a Man Loves a Woman
Pata Fria is off her meds. Crystal has PTSD from a popular love song. Compliments from women are the only ones that matter and Orcas have had enough. Being…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep216: 800% Turf Girl
Crystal has a serious announcement. We have an official HD tattoo. Americans sometimes have to share prescriptions, Carolyn is a natural liar and she might…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep215: Bathroom Brawls
Pata Fria drank a cigarette and feels sick. Nations loves us therefore we’re famous. RIP Tina Turner. Be careful doing whip it’s, Nicki Minaj is embarrassing…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep214: Act a Fool
Pata Fria is the birthday girl. And also Stevi. Mother’s Day was lovely, Crystal’s parents are inappropriate and our background noise is always a surprise. How…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep213: Whack A Mole
Crystal thinks she’s so funny at the worst times. Peez and Crystal have the same pronunciation, Mae and Ivan are done, Pata Fria is fired from the promo team…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep212: Extra, Extra
It’s really true what they say, what’s done in the dark will always come to light. What happened to girl code? Crystal is almost prom queen at the new Safeway…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep211: BG and HD
This week Hello Dysfunction got to sit in with another Bay Area podcast, Burbeck and Garretson. We got some male prospective and a lot covered with seven of us…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep210: Sex Feet
We’re still sick. Pata Fria is drunk and off her meds. The craft supplies are out of hand and Crystal has some great white trash tattoos. Crystal’s family has…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep209: Big Mama
Crystal loves having phlegm. Pata Fria is going thru metamorphosis. Again. Peez loves to cause a scene and cigarettes are pretty hot. Crystal’s dream ruined…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep208: Small Town Drunk
Rest In Peace Queen Prudence. Stand on one foot if something is wrong. Pata Fria is a single woman and will be for the rest of her life. Poppies and eagles are…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep207: Arch Nemesis
This week we’re doing something different and sharing part of an episode that was exclusive to Patreon and we really enjoyed. We hope you like it, the full…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep206: Wet Irish Meat
Sinus infections, vertigo and stomach viruses…oh my! Traffic has Crystal ready to leave earth and tummy tuck swelling is an unpleasant surprise. It’s now…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep205: Stay Out There
It’s a wild Saturday night! Crystal got crop dusted, smoking used to be really cool, don’t encourage conversation with strangers and please always ask before…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep204: Where's Your Teeth?!
Crystal is planning a no dairy challenge, Peez is after all the babies, driving in the rain is scary and people are always showing up at Pata Fria’s door…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep203: Car Sandwich
Pay your bills. Crystal is on the loose! We’re experiencing a REAL winter right now and Pata Fria’s foot is probably fractured. Mayo is really important to…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep202: Budget TV Dinners
Valentines Day was cute, same day delivery is dangerous, we can definitely be bought and some people don’t have visual imagination! Childhood trauma is so so…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep201: Sex Machine
Surgery is done! Pata Fria had a rough time but she’s finally home. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, re-use your towels and Robert Crumb is basically…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep200: Hanky
It’s episode 200!!!! We’ve been doing this for 200 years. Jimmy is alive. Happy Birthday Stinkers. Build A Bear has gone too far. Pay attention to the messages…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep199: This Is Honesty Hour
Did your family swim in garbage cans? RSV is terrifying. Dnt throw away cookies and try not to pee your pants. Everyone’s info is on the internet and if you…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep198: Brown Couches
Happy New Year!! Don’t pawn your family’s decorations for meth. Crystal was a really bad child. Girl you know it’s true is a timeless classic. Apologize in…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep197: Couch Ham
Welcome to the dysfunction, Crystal’s brain has fun commercials on loop. Please don’t put Pata Fria on the spot about a tip. Christmas was different for…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep196: A Good Bay Area Welcome
Pata Fria is really sick. Crystal has identified the local pervert. Spread kindness whenever you can and school is really a scam. Power really changes people…
- Hello Dysfunction
S1 Ep195: This Disease I Have
Pata Fria is sick. It’s a painful sick. Don’t ask people if they just woke up. Keep an eye out for the local serial masturbator. If your burps stink please…