Latest / Mom Gone Mild / Learning to Love Yourself Again

Transcript

Learning to Love Yourself Again · Mom Gone Mild

• 0:11
  Hey guys, welcome back to mom gone mild, the podcast where we
• 0:16
  talk all things motherhood, womanhood, healing, growth, our
• 0:20
  past selves, just becoming the best versions of ourselves.
• 0:25
  Now I, I'm your host Lex, and today I want to talk about
• 0:29
  something that's really been on my mind lately.
• 0:31
  Learning to love, I guess myself, yourself again, or maybe
• 0:37
  you know, more accurately, learning to respect yourself
• 0:41
  again, guys, I know not in like a cheesy Instagram quote kind of
• 0:45
  way. I'm talking about like, I don't
• 0:48
  know, not like in a just be positive.
• 0:50
  I, I freaking hate when people tell me that, you know, it's
• 0:53
  like I am positive. I mean, really learning to
• 0:56
  appreciate who you are after life changes you after a big
• 1:00
  life change. And you know, before we jump
• 1:02
  into anything, I just want to repeat always.
• 1:04
  I'm not a therapist, I'm not a mental health professional, I'm
• 1:08
  not an addiction specialist. I'm just a mom sharing my story.
• 1:15
  Everything I'm about to talk about is based on my own
• 1:20
  experience, my own mistakes, my own healing, my lessons I had to
• 1:27
  learn the freaking hard way because no one I guess, talked
• 1:32
  to me about it. You know, I can only share my
• 1:35
  story. But you know, if something in my
• 1:37
  story helps you feel a little less lonely, then it's
• 1:40
  definitely worth sharing. Because if you've been listening
• 1:44
  to this podcast for a while, you already know that this past year
• 1:47
  has changed me in so many ways I literally never expected.
• 1:52
  Motherhood changed me. Yeah, that's a doozy.
• 1:56
  Losing 57 lbs changed me. Postpartum depression changed me
• 2:02
  a lot. Healing has also changed me and
• 2:06
  I guess for a while I thought I was just supposed to find, you
• 2:11
  know, the old version of myself again.
• 2:13
  But the truth is, I don't want that old version of me back.
• 2:18
  You know, I've done a lot of work on this and not because I
• 2:23
  just hated who I was, you know, not because I'm because I became
• 2:28
  a mom. I freaking love that.
• 2:30
  And definitely not because I have any regrets.
• 2:33
  I mean, I have regrets, but you know, it's life.
• 2:36
  You always have a rest. I love being Axel's mom.
• 2:39
  I love being Randy's wife. And even on the hard days like
• 2:42
  now, I wouldn't change a thing. But yeah, motherhood is a major
• 2:47
  life change and that makes you evolve.
• 2:50
  I think for a while I was trying so hard to hold on to who I used
• 2:54
  to be and you know who I am becoming now.
• 2:58
  It's two different versions and they just cannot exist at the
• 3:02
  same time. So I had to just let go of that
• 3:05
  version. Not because, you know, I wasn't
• 3:09
  enough, not because I, I, I don't know, I, that version me
• 3:17
  got me to where I am right now. So, you know, I'm just figuring
• 3:20
  out this season of life, all the changes since having Axel, I've
• 3:24
  lost 57 lbs. And if I'm being honest, that
• 3:28
  really changes something in you mentally because there are still
• 3:33
  days I look in the mirror and I honestly don't see a difference.
• 3:37
  I'll see a video of myself and I'm like, there's a lot we still
• 3:41
  need to work on, you know? But trust me, the list is long.
• 3:45
  I have so many flaws that I see in myself, you know?
• 3:49
  And because, you know, I'm kind of on social media, the messages
• 3:53
  could be ruthless crickets. I know you could have 100 people
• 3:58
  cheering for you and one freaking criticism from one ugly
• 4:02
  ass guy ruins your day, but it's not going to ruin this.
• 4:06
  You know, one thing that I've learned is that no matter what
• 4:09
  you look like, there's always going to be someone that has
• 4:11
  something negative to say. So if you spend your life trying
• 4:15
  to make everyone else happy, I can promise you, you're not
• 4:18
  going to be happy. And that's why progress pictures
• 4:22
  matter. You know, taking measurements
• 4:23
  matter. That's why paying attention to
• 4:25
  how your clothes fit really matters.
• 4:28
  Because sometimes your mind literally can take longer to
• 4:32
  catch up with you than your body does.
• 4:35
  I'm learning to just appreciate my body for what it is.
• 4:40
  You know, I'm learning to appreciate the stretch marks.
• 4:43
  I'm learning to appreciate the loose skin, the saggy tummy.
• 4:47
  When I was younger, I feel like I would just bounce back.
• 4:49
  I lost a lot of weight. I would gain it and bounce back.
• 4:52
  The reminders on my body just, you know, did something super
• 4:55
  incredible. You know, for a long time I
• 4:58
  thought confidence would come from a number on a scale.
• 5:03
  You know, I still have that mentality, but I'm trying to
• 5:05
  change it. Confidence, you know, didn't
• 5:07
  come from losing weight. It came, I guess, from keeping
• 5:12
  promises to myself. I'm much more confident that I
• 5:14
  was a year ago. You know, I'm showing up for
• 5:17
  myself. I'm making better decisions when
• 5:20
  nobody is watching because I'm going to be honest.
• 5:22
  That is when it matters most to you.
• 5:25
  If you are doing things consistently hard, I promise you
• 5:30
  it's going to empower you. It's going to make you feel
• 5:32
  like, wow, I, I'm doing this for me.
• 5:34
  You know, I like last week I had my cheat meals, a churro and I
• 5:39
  was like, you know, I'm beating myself up and I don't know.
• 5:42
  I've just, I've stopped looking for some magical moment where I
• 5:46
  suddenly feel confident. And I always say it like fake
• 5:49
  it, but you know, because every time I hit a goal, another one
• 5:53
  literally shows up. My mind just feels like, you
• 5:55
  know, I don't know, like I still have more to change and I'm just
• 6:00
  a work in progress. It, you know, proves to me that
• 6:04
  I can do hard things. That's what 75 Hard proved to
• 6:07
  me, that I should be proud of myself.
• 6:09
  I am proud of myself, you know? It's not what shows up on the
• 6:13
  scale. I'm also a woman who refuses to
• 6:17
  quit. Yes, I'm the little cockroach.
• 6:21
  And that's when I realized something, you know, I'm not
• 6:25
  becoming like a whole new person.
• 6:27
  I'm just leveling up. And as freaking corny as that
• 6:31
  sounds, I promise I'm just trying to become the best
• 6:35
  version of me because you know what?
• 6:39
  It's really comfortable to stay the same.
• 6:42
  Growth is not. And you guys are like, Oh my
• 6:45
  God, Alexis let you talk about it's growth.
• 6:47
  But you know what, that's where I'm at right now.
• 6:49
  Just growth requires trying things when you're scared.
• 6:54
  I know growth requires becoming someone you've literally never
• 6:59
  been before, nor did you think he would be her.
• 7:02
  And maybe that's, you know what this season of life is for me.
• 7:07
  You know, I'm not finding myself.
• 7:09
  I'm, you know, building myself. I also think a lot about the
• 7:15
  fact that I became a mom at 36. Is that old?
• 7:18
  No, but you know, 'cause life have looked a lot different if I
• 7:22
  had Axel younger. I mean, the answer is of course,
• 7:27
  duh. But I, I feel like I had Axel at
• 7:31
  the right time for me because it took me a while to grow up.
• 7:37
  I, it took me a while to heal. It took me a while to work
• 7:42
  through some of the things in life that hurt me.
• 7:45
  Because my biggest hope as a parent has always, even before
• 7:51
  parenthood, I always want, I never wanted to like pass my
• 7:54
  baggage on to my child, you know, not because, Oh my gosh,
• 7:58
  she's so perfect. She worked on herself.
• 8:00
  Hell no, I'm far from it. But because I did the work, you
• 8:04
  know, I went to therapy. I face the hard truths that I
• 8:10
  didn't want to. I worked on myself.
• 8:13
  I'm still working on myself, you know, I still go to therapy, I
• 8:15
  still have a psychiatrist. And while I know every parent
• 8:20
  makes mistakes, I, like I said, I just don't didn't want to hand
• 8:24
  him baggage that wasn't his. Of course there are benefits to
• 8:29
  having kids young energy would be nice.
• 8:33
  You know, there are benefits of having kids later.
• 8:35
  You know, wisdom is nice. Neither path is better.
• 8:39
  So that is not what I'm saying. You know, we're all just living
• 8:42
  the life we've been given. Look, my parents had me really
• 8:46
  young, 17 and 18. I have so much respect for young
• 8:51
  parents because I couldn't, it couldn't be me.
• 8:55
  I, I was bullshitting at that age, you know, and even though
• 8:59
  you know, like I feel like you do grow up because of it, it's
• 9:03
  still hard, you know, like my best friend, she's a young mom.
• 9:06
  She's an incredible mom. I looked, I look up to her,
• 9:09
  she's amazing. But you know, we all have to
• 9:12
  play the cards we're dealt. The truth is, by the time I
• 9:15
  became a mom, I had already lived like, I feel like a cat
• 9:18
  like 9 lives. I went to the raves, I went to
• 9:21
  the mansion parties, I went to random Vegas weekends.
• 9:25
  I met the athletes, you know, I met reality stars.
• 9:31
  I don't know the late nights, you know, when you go to work
• 9:34
  all hungover. I did that, you know, I
• 9:36
  travelled. I got to go to Europe, I got to
• 9:39
  go, you know, overseas. And I made mistakes yes.
• 9:44
  I learned lessons the absolute hard way.
• 9:46
  I, I feel like I squeeze every drop of like my teens, my 20s
• 9:53
  and my early 30s. So when people ask if I feel
• 9:56
  like I'm missing out now, like, the answer is honestly, no.
• 10:00
  I, I just don't, you know, like there are times I see my friends
• 10:04
  on social media and I'm like, OK, but you know, I feel like
• 10:08
  I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.
• 10:10
  And honestly, that is also why I decided to get super serious
• 10:13
  about my health, not because I wanted to be skinny, although
• 10:18
  skinny is gorgeous any way you are.
• 10:21
  You're gorgeous, you know, but I just, it's not for like, looking
• 10:24
  a certain way, but because I guess I am an older mom, as
• 10:28
  people say, you know, I wanted to make sure I was active in
• 10:32
  Axel's life. I want to be able to run around,
• 10:35
  you know, with him. I was really overweight.
• 10:38
  I want to, you know, chase him around the backyard.
• 10:42
  I want to go on family vacations and keep up.
• 10:46
  And, you know, I want to be mom. That's literally like playing,
• 10:51
  not sitting on the sidelines wishing I had taken better care
• 10:55
  of myself. And for most of my life, I never
• 10:58
  took working out or eating healthy that serious.
• 11:00
  I know I I'd start, I'd stop, I'd start again and stop.
• 11:07
  I'd make a million and one excuses of why not.
• 11:09
  And most of the time they were lame as hell.
• 11:12
  I'd tell myself I'll do that later.
• 11:14
  I'll focus on my health later and never came.
• 11:16
  But you know, motherhood changed that.
• 11:19
  Because now I, I always say like I'm not just living for me, I'm
• 11:22
  also living for him. And to be honest, I don't know
• 11:26
  if I'm going to show up for him every day, then I need to show
• 11:31
  up for myself. I know, crazy.
• 11:35
  Who would have thought? I want him to have the
• 11:37
  healthiest version of me that I can possibly give him.
• 11:41
  Not the skinniest, even though I would love to be thinner.
• 11:45
  I mean, I'm a woman who wouldn't.
• 11:47
  Not this perfect version of me. The healthiest version.
• 11:51
  The version that's present, The version that's here.
• 11:55
  The version that's able to enjoy this life we worked so damn hard
• 12:00
  to build together. Me and Randy, and maybe that's
• 12:04
  why I appreciate this life so much because, you know, I've
• 12:09
  talked about this many times, but I never thought I guess that
• 12:13
  I would make it past 30. And sometimes seeing that out
• 12:16
  loud now, it's crazy. You know, it's wild.
• 12:19
  But I've battled addiction. I've battled depression.
• 12:24
  And I want to be really careful talking about this because, you
• 12:28
  know, addiction is something I do not take lightly at all.
• 12:32
  I was incredibly blessed to go to rehab one time and never went
• 12:37
  back again. The experience literally shook
• 12:40
  me so hard and just changed my life.
• 12:44
  But I know that's not everyone's reality.
• 12:47
  Addiction is super serious, you know, It's powerful, and a lot
• 12:52
  of people battle with it for years.
• 12:55
  If not, they lose the battle. You know, my experience does not
• 12:58
  make me special whatsoever. It makes me fucking grateful.
• 13:03
  I'm grateful that I'm here. I hit rock bottom and I came
• 13:06
  back. You know, people ask me, you
• 13:09
  know how I got through my time? You know, it's definitely not a
• 13:14
  glamorous answer. I guess I just wanted a better
• 13:19
  life more than I wanted to stay comfortable.
• 13:23
  So I went to the rehab, I attended meetings, I took
• 13:28
  accountability. It was a very humbling
• 13:31
  experience. I, you know, I feel like I
• 13:34
  choose recovery every single day.
• 13:37
  I have never touched that stuff again and nor do I ever want to.
• 13:42
  I have nothing in me that wants that.
• 13:44
  And but you know what depression feel like depression hit me
• 13:48
  differently. Depression doesn't disappear
• 13:51
  because you want it to. Not saying addiction does, but
• 13:53
  for me, you know, I've been hospitalized, you know, I went
• 13:57
  under the 5150 and I've had therapists, I've had
• 14:02
  psychiatrists, I take medication.
• 14:05
  You know, I still have my, my babies crying.
• 14:09
  You know, I pray, I work on myself every single day.
• 14:15
  And every day I make a choice. Because if I listen to my
• 14:20
  depression, I'd literally be in bed every single day.
• 14:24
  Even right now. I'd isolate the hell out of
• 14:27
  myself. I would literally stop trying.
• 14:30
  Instead, I get up. I make the conscious decision
• 14:35
  because it's easy, but because it's necessary.
• 14:38
  If you've ever battled depression, then you know
• 14:41
  exactly what I'm talking about. The fight.
• 14:45
  It's not easy, but I promise you it is possible.
• 14:49
  Motherhood is hard too. It's hard right now.
• 14:54
  It's the hardest thing I've ever done so far, and half the time I
• 14:58
  don't know what the hell I'm doing.
• 15:00
  Half the time I'm literally guessing.
• 15:03
  I'm running on very little sleep, if you can tell with my
• 15:07
  bags. I'm learning as I go.
• 15:12
  I make mistakes, yes, I know I'm a first time mom.
• 15:16
  And every night I go to bed and I think, gosh, I hope tomorrow
• 15:20
  is just a better day. I hope I'm a better mom.
• 15:23
  And not because I'm a perfect mom, definitely not.
• 15:27
  I just want to be a better one, you know?
• 15:30
  And honestly, that's how I look at self love now too.
• 15:36
  I don't wake up every morning feeling confident or beautiful.
• 15:40
  I wish I did. That'd be nice.
• 15:41
  I don't wake up loving every single inch of myself.
• 15:45
  I have work to do. I have, I still see a lot of
• 15:48
  flaws. You know, I'm have to remind
• 15:52
  myself, girl, you're also a woman who has survived, a woman
• 15:55
  who has fought for her life because there was a time.
• 16:00
  I'm telling you there, I didn't think I'd make it.
• 16:03
  And you know, I was able to deliver this beautiful baby boy.
• 16:06
  I've now lost 57 lbs and just I am a woman though, who does
• 16:13
  refuse to quit. I'm learning to love myself
• 16:17
  again. And it's just, it's not perfect
• 16:20
  it I mean, if you know, I'm not, I'm not going to think I'm going
• 16:24
  to be like the hottest person in the room.
• 16:26
  I mean, that'd be nice. But it's just being honest about
• 16:29
  who you are, taking accountability for the things
• 16:33
  you need to work on. Yes, like I say, we're all
• 16:36
  always a work in progress, you know, recover.
• 16:39
  You just recognizing how far I've come and continuing to push
• 16:44
  myself because I know I'm capable of a lot more.
• 16:48
  To me, I just feel like that's self love, not perfection, not
• 16:53
  obsession. You know it, you can get
• 16:57
  obsessed with it, but you know, it's, it's just respect, respect
• 17:00
  for the woman that I am now, respect the, for the woman that
• 17:05
  I was because that person obviously shaped who I am now.
• 17:10
  But because at the end of the day, whether you're a young mom,
• 17:14
  older mom, stay at home mom working them, we all have the
• 17:19
  same responsibilities. Give these kids the best life we
• 17:23
  possibly can. And the best thing we can do for
• 17:26
  them is keep becoming better versions of ourselves.
• 17:31
  So I feel like that's a good way to stop.
• 17:34
  But you know, you guys, thank you guys so much for listening
• 17:36
  to another episode. And honestly, thank you guys for
• 17:39
  just creating this like, like just safe space for me to tell
• 17:43
  the stories. Thank you guys for listening of
• 17:45
  course, because if not, who the hell am I talking to?
• 17:48
  Thank you guys for sharing your own stories with me.
• 17:51
  That means so much to me. I see the tags, I see the
• 17:54
  messages and thank you for reminding me that none of us are
• 17:58
  alone in this. This little community has become
• 18:01
  something I never expected and I'm so grateful for every single
• 18:06
  one of you. And, you know, if this episode
• 18:09
  resonated with you, you know, you're struggling, you're
• 18:12
  battling addiction, depression, you know, you're just struggling
• 18:16
  through womanhood, you know, share this.
• 18:19
  Maybe somebody else feels the same way.
• 18:21
  Share it with a friend, share it with a mom.
• 18:24
  And you know, it would mean a lot if you guys like left a
• 18:26
  little review, you know, and of course, follow the podcast on,
• 18:31
  you know, YouTube, Spotify, Amazon, whatever you guys are
• 18:34
  listening to it on. And it just true truly helps
• 18:38
  because I get to tell my husband why I'm doing this so often.
• 18:42
  And, you know, just remember, you don't have to become someone
• 18:46
  else. You don't have to become the
• 18:50
  best version of you overnight. Usually that never works.
• 18:53
  I've tried it many times. The truth is, most just change
• 18:59
  like little things at a time. You know the one workout you
• 19:03
  didn't want to do you completed the therapy appointment you
• 19:06
  definitely didn't want to show up to because you were so
• 19:08
  exhausted and all you wanted to do is lay in bed.
• 19:11
  I get it. The walk he took instead of
• 19:13
  staying on the couch that I get, You know the choice to get out
• 19:18
  of bed when your mind just tells you not to.
• 19:22
  And everything else just is telling you not to.
• 19:25
  But little habits, they really create changes.
• 19:28
  And they actually create habits. And those small choices repeated
• 19:32
  over and over and over become just habits that your body just
• 19:36
  gets used to. So I just want you to give
• 19:38
  yourselves some grace, you know, Keep showing up for yourself one
• 19:43
  day at a time, as they say. Platform means a lot to me.
• 19:49
  And yeah, I just thank you guys so much and have a wonderful
• 19:54
  weekend. And like I always say, same
• 19:56
  time, same place next week.