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The Psycholgy of Attachment. Compulsive Care Seeking · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to this, the final episode in the trilogy that is series two entitled Psychology of Attachment.
• 0:10
  In this episode, we're looking at compulsive care seeking, the child who never stops looking for safety.
• 0:19
  Imagine a child standing at the window, waiting, listening, watching, waiting for a parent to come home, waiting for somebody to notice, waiting for reassurance, waiting for the atmosphere to feel safe again.
• 0:37
  The child learns something important, something that will shape relationships for decades.
• 0:44
  Safety may exist, but it's not guaranteed.
• 0:47
  It can disappear, it can change, it can be withdrawn.
• 0:52
  And so the child learns to keep looking for it, to monitor it, to protect it, to seek reassurance that it's still there because the uncertainty itself has become frightening.
• 1:09
  In the previous episodes, we've explored compulsive self-reliance and compulsive care giving.
• 1:16
  Today we arrive at the third major adolescent attachment adaptation, compulsive care seeking.
• 1:26
  This strategy develops when a child experiences that care is available enough to be deeply desired, but inconsistent enough never to feel entirely secure.
• 1:42
  And the result is an attachment system that remains permanently oriented towards finding safety, maintaining safety, and above all, preventing its loss.
• 1:55
  Attachment is fundamentally about safety.
• 1:59
  Not simply physical safety, but emotional and psychological and relational safety.
• 2:06
  Children need to know will somebody come?
• 2:10
  Will somebody notice?
• 2:12
  Will somebody help?
• 2:13
  Will somebody stay?
• 2:15
  For some children the answer feels relatively predictable.
• 2:19
  For others it doesn't.
• 2:21
  Perhaps a parent is loving one day and emotionally unavailable the next.
• 2:28
  Perhaps affection is unpredictable.
• 2:31
  Perhaps attention arrives intermittently.
• 2:35
  And this leaves the child never quite knowing where they stand.
• 2:39
  And so the attachment system has to adapt.
• 2:42
  The child begins scanning, monitoring, checking, seeking signs that connection remains intact.
• 2:51
  Now this adaptation makes perfect sense.
• 2:55
  If safety's inconsistent, then vigilance becomes necessary.
• 2:59
  And if reassurance is unpredictable, then reassurance becomes valuable.
• 3:05
  And if connection feels uncertain, connection becomes something that must constantly be confirmed.
• 3:12
  So the child learns I mustn't stop looking.
• 3:15
  Because if I stop looking, I might lose what little safety I have.
• 3:20
  Well, as the child enters adolescence, this pattern becomes more sophisticated.
• 3:25
  The young person becomes highly sensitive to availability, attention, connection, emotional distance, changes in tone and signs of rejection and abandonment.
• 3:39
  Things that barely notice may feel profoundly significant.
• 3:46
  A delayed reply, a change in mood, a cancelled plan, a slight shift in the energy.
• 3:52
  And because attachment fears are involved, these experiences feel much larger than they appear.
• 3:59
  Or at least externally, some people might just not notice.
• 4:04
  For the compulsive care seeker, it's very different.
• 4:07
  Because the young person is not merely reacting to the present, they're reacting through a system organized around uncertainty.
• 4:17
  Now in adult relationships, we begin to see that this pattern carries forward.
• 4:22
  Many compulsive care seekers become highly relational-focused adults.
• 4:27
  Relationships matter enormously, and connection matters enormously, and attachment matters enormously.
• 4:35
  And because of this, so much uncertainty becomes difficult to tolerate.
• 4:41
  The person may find themselves repeatedly seeking reassurance, checking messages, analyzing interactions, worrying about changes in the other person's behavior, fearing abandonment and struggling with emotional ambiguity, not because they're weak, but because the attachment system has become automatically organized around vigilance.
• 5:07
  One of the defining features of compulsive care seeking is the search for certainty.
• 5:12
  The person wants to know, am I loved?
• 5:15
  Am I important?
• 5:16
  Are we okay?
• 5:18
  Are you staying?
• 5:20
  And whilst reassurance may help temporarily, it rarely solves the problem completely.
• 5:26
  Because the deeper issue isn't the relationship, it's that the uncertainty has become psychologically threatening.
• 5:35
  Now, reassurance never lasts, and this is one of the most painful aspects of the pattern.
• 5:41
  The individual receives the reassurance, they feel better, they relax for a while.
• 5:48
  And then the uncertainty returns, and the attachment system is activated again.
• 5:54
  And the problem is not that the reassurance is ineffective or not well meant.
• 5:58
  The problem is that reassurance is external, whereas the fear is internal.
• 6:04
  And therefore, no amount of reassurance can permanently solve a fear that was created a long time ago.
• 6:13
  Now, when we think about this in the context of relationships, we need to approach it carefully and compassionately because compulsive care seeking can place enormous pressure upon relationships.
• 6:26
  Partners may feel as if they're being constantly monitored, responsible for emotional regulation, unable to provide enough reassurance and exhausted by repeated cycles of anxiety.
• 6:40
  Meanwhile, the careseking individual often feels misunderstood, frightened, ashamed, or guilty for needing reassurance.
• 6:48
  So both people suffer because neither understands that the attachment is organizing the interaction.
• 6:56
  Many compulsive care seekers carry a secret belief, and that is I am too much, too needy, emotional, dependent, and too sensitive.
• 7:08
  And yet the more ashamed they feel about their attachment needs, the more powerful those needs often become.
• 7:15
  Because shame doesn't reduce attachment anxiety, it intensifies.
• 7:22
  And what we see clinically is that in therapy, such people often arrive completely exhausted, not from the relationships themselves, but from the constant work of maintaining emotional certainty or trying to monitoring, checking, worrying, analyzing.
• 7:43
  And very often such people are caught in this terrible cycle of self-doubt, and alongside which guilt, but still the need exists.
• 7:56
  And so the nervous system rarely rests because it remains organized around the possibility of loss.
• 8:04
  Now the therapeutic task isn't about eliminating the attachment needs because human beings need attachment and connection.
• 8:13
  Human beings do need reassurance sometimes, and human beings need relationships.
• 8:20
  So the therapeutic task is something different.
• 8:23
  It's about helping the individual develop an internal sense of safety, helping them discover that uncertainty can be survived, helping them distinguish present reality from attachment fear.
• 8:38
  And helping them reorganize that connection doesn't disappear simply because anxiety has appeared.
• 8:47
  So recovery begins when the person gradually learns I can survive uncertainty.
• 8:54
  I do not need constant proof in order to be safe.
• 8:58
  My value does not depend upon somebody else's immediate response.
• 9:04
  And perhaps most importantly, I can become a source of safety for myself.
• 9:12
  At its heart, compulsive care seeking isn't really about neediness, it's about fear that the attachment may disappear or be withdrawn and that safety may suddenly vanish.
• 9:25
  And once that fear is understood compassionately, the behavior begins making sense.
• 9:33
  Working with patients who have these attachment styles very often places me in a position where I become the object of reassurance.
• 9:43
  I become the person who explains things and can make the individual feel better.
• 9:50
  However, my task is to teach them to do that for themselves through making sense of what they experience in relation to their history, but also in terms of helping them to understand what's happening to the what's happening internally and how to make a kind of usable sense of that.
• 10:13
  It takes a long time.
• 10:17
  Perhaps one of the saddest things about compulsive care seeking is that people often spend years criticizing themselves for attachment needs that originally developed for very good reasons.
• 10:28
  And so they call themselves needy and demanding or over-emotional.
• 10:33
  And without recognizing that these behaviors began as an intelligent attempt to remain connected in an uncertain world.
• 10:43
  The child wasn't weak, the child was adapting.
• 10:46
  The child was trying to stay safe.
• 10:49
  And that perhaps the healing begins when the adult finally discovers that safety no longer has to be searched for quite so desperately because it's developed internally.
• 11:02
  True attachment security is not the certainty that nobody will ever leave.
• 11:08
  It's the confidence that even when uncertainty appears, you will not lose yourself and it is survivable.
• 11:18
  And perhaps that's the moment when the search for safety finally begins to end.
• 11:28
  In the final episode of the adult relationship of attachment, and why we keep recreating what we needed to survive.
• 11:41
  Thank you for listening.