Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #126—Why Does Taking Care of Myself Feel Like a Chore?
Transcript
- speaker-0: Just sitting in my car crying like a little baby. Like a little kid. You know you speaker-1: you speaker-0: I just you know you can understand things really well. Like I can intellectualize. I can intellectualize my feelings. I I can I understand it. It makes sense. why I feel the way I feel. I I understand and know why I feel the way I feel. And I can even feel the feelings. Like I can allow myself to feel the feelings. And I have a an incredible amount of anger. And I know that that is just a placeholder for grief, for incredible, deep, deep grief. You know, and then I I get frustrated with myself. because my body is so sensitive. I mean I'm just so sensitive. I I like I I annoy myself. I'm so sensitive. And what I mean is it not like emotionally sensitive, but like physically sensitive. I speaker-1: you speaker-0: things affect me, smells, noises. I I've got like such sensory things and I always have and I'm noticing it's it's it's so much more heightened than it ever was and maybe that's because this you know these memories are coming back and so speaker-1: you speaker-0: it it almost it feels like it's happening for the first time in some ways. I'm I'm having to process all this and I'm I'm I'm getting I'm so hard on myself because I'm like girl You need to get over this shit. Like this happened to you such a long time ago. Why can't you get over it? And it's like, whoa, wait a minute. I mean it yeah, it happened a really long time ago, but I had this like amnesia and I couldn't remember and now I'm remembering it and it's it's fucking me up because I'm like in my forties remembering shit that happened to me when I was from like six to like, you know, t tw thirteen, you know, and and it was so messed up and fucked up that I I I the only way that I could function was to forget it, you know? So and then you have this version of of the life that you thought you had and like and you still have it, but like there's key players and people in your life that you you you thought you knew and so it's just it's just everything and and then I and then my finances are just I'm just my god I'm being squeezed so hard financially right now, right? And I feel like I'm in this fucking karmic loop and all of it and it's just so much on my nervous system. Even when I'm doing good things, I'm just like overwhelmed. And I go to these really unhealthy coping mac mechanism like unhealthy coping strategies that I know are so fucking they're not good for me, but I keep doing it and I and then I get upset with myself and I get mad and I'm like, what the fuck? and And we're this is like such this is a karmic loop and I'm like and then I'm and then I'm exhausted and it and then there's just no amount of sleep that'll make it better because it's like my soul's tired. I'm emotionally tired. Beyond tired. And I just I just want peace. And I want peace in my mind and I want peace in my heart. And there's a part of me that's irritated beyond belief that these fucking people have like like done what they've done to me. And I I'm angry about that. I've got a fucking chip on my shoulder. Then I have speaker-1: you speaker-0: to clean this fucking mess up. Cause I feel like a shell of a person. And I sometimes I feel like a little kid that doesn't speaker-1: you speaker-0: know how to take care of herself, that doesn't know what to think, that doesn't know what to feel, is angry, is scared. is doing everything she could do to just fucking survive, speaker-1: Psst. speaker-0: to just breathe. And I'm angry about that. I'm so fucking fucking pissed about that. And I know I know that this isn't gonna last forever. I it. I do. But right now I feel like, my god, how I mean like what am I gonna do? And I know, I know everything will be okay. speaker-1: Okay. speaker-0: And the universe and spirit always shows me that I'm okay. And I I know that I just have to sit with the feeling. And maybe I don't have to figure it out. Maybe the karmic loop is really the pressure that I put on myself to be perfect, to have it all together. speaker-1: you speaker-0: You know, the way I speak to myself. I put so much pressure on myself. 'Cause I'm scared of fucking it up. And at the core of this is I'm I'm scared that I'm gonna mess it up. I'm scared I'm not enough. Or that I'm too much. And then I just cry for that little girl. And I'm so sad for her. Because right now in my life I'm not alone. Right? I really do have an amazing support system. And it's overwhelming and it's hard. But then I think about that little girl at six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen. Who was who was told not to say anything, who was shamed. who was begging for help but was was just ignored. And I'm I'm so sad for her. I'm so sad that she had to go through that. Cause speaker-1: you speaker-0: my god, she was alone. She was so alone and so confused. And I just I I just I can't imagine I I Take a minute. Maybe. That's really it. I I maybe I have to honor that that little girl. Because it also feels hard to take care of myself, right? Because I'm so sensitive and not I mean, I am emotionally sensitive, but I mean physically, right? My nervous system is very sensitive and my stomach and like to be so careful about what I eat or what I drink and making sure I I move my body enough and it feels like a chore instead of a privilege. speaker-1: you speaker-0: It feels like a chore. And then I think to myself Where did I get that idea from? I feel like I was like a chore. Especially to my mom. She used to tell me all the time that I speaker-1: you speaker-0: was a lot. I was a lot to deal with. That I was a lot. So maybe that's my my mom's voice in my mind. That's really maybe that's not my voice. And I just kind of you know, I know that sh got s that her voice is in my head so much but I never really realized it of why I feel like I'm so it's so it's such a chore and it's annoying to take care of myself. Because I require a lot of care. And maybe that's why I feel that way. 'Cause I've always been told I was a lot. You're difficult. You're too much. You're when I was a kid you cry too much, right? You You're just too much. You're a lot to deal with. Huh. I didn't quite think about it like that.