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Are You a People Pleaser? Or Were You Taught to Be Overly Considerate? | Thinking Out Loud · Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly

• Kimberly: Are you actually a people pleaser? Or were you just taught to be overly considerate? What if people pleasing isn't actually your personality? What if it's just a skill you learned? You know the saying practice makes perfect? what if practice actually makes permission? Because whatever you keep practicing becomes what you default to. And if we've been practicing people pleasing for years, of course you're gonna feel stuck. Not because you are stuck, because you keep defaulting to what you know. And let's be honest, in all of your people-pleasing adventures, who have you actually been pleasing? Because it sure as hell hasn't been you. And even the Karen's of the world, or whatever male version of that is, they're not even happy either. They never are. People pleasing isn't about making everyone happy. controlling people aren't happy either. Maybe happiness was never the outcome of this behavior in the first place. Maybe this whole time people pleasing got named in a way that lets some people hide behind it. I'm just trying to be nice. I'm just trying to keep the peace, baby. Well the rest of us weren't actually people pleasing at all. We were being trained to be overly considerate at our own expense. Welcome back to Thinking Out Loud. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Before we begin, a quick note. This podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates and leave the rest. Here we slow down and we explore life's great areas, especially in relationships and behavior patterns. We can observe and reflect on. And I'm here not to tell you what to think. I'm here to offer framework that helps you understand your relationships and strengthens your thinking. And hold space for complexity. Let's get thinking out loud. I remember hearing Be nice, be grateful, sharing is caring, don't talk back, be a good kid, don't be difficult. And on the surface, none of that is wrong. The question is where is the line between being considerate And being trained into suppression. At what point does be nice become don't express discomfort? at what point does being polite become don't have needs? Because everyone developmentally needs to learn how to separate their identity from the group. To learn when to follow, when to lead, and when to disagree. That's not dysfunction, that's just a healthy part of human development. Somewhere along the way we stopped teaching balance. We started labeling certain kids as difficult, disagreeable, and the problem simply because they didn't immediately conform. When in reality, a lot of that behavior is early autonomy trying to form and take root. We all have to learn both roles in life: how to lead and how to follow. There will be times we have to lead and times we follow. There are times we cooperate and times we say no. That doesn't work for me. Or sometimes no, that just doesn't work. That's part of being human. When the balance gets disrupted early on, people don't learn choice. They learn compliance. we wonder why, as adults, they struggle to say no without guilt. It's kind of like any structured system. if you've ever worked somewhere where leadership wasn't actually trained, you can immediately feel it. It's like being in a system where people are expected to function, but no one was actually taught how to lead, organize, or communicate clearly. Sometimes less is more, and sometimes you need more. Everything becomes reactive. People get blamed for outcomes they were never set up to succeed to begin with. And the system calls it performance issues when really it's a training and structure issue. And that's what's happening in development too, when kids aren't taught how to lead themselves in age appropriate ways. or how to follow with understanding instead of fear. They don't learn balance. They learn compliance or resistance, but not integration. we also get confused about emotional development in general. We talk about inner child and inner teenager and now that language isn't wrong. Sometimes I think it missed something important, or some people just misunderstand what that is. I think what we're calling inner work sometimes is actually unfinished development. I think a lot of people have been scented in their development. so they don't even have the skills they were supposed to learn while they were developing. Skills people were supposed to learn at a certain age or when they were ready to start that milestone. But they didn't get a chance to practice it safely. Like being allowed to say no. Or being allowed to be upset without punishment. Being allowed to express anger without being labeled, disrespectful, or sometimes mocked. Because for some people, the moment they started expressing normal development they got shut down. instead of learning how to regulate those emotions, they learned how to suppress them. you get the opposite end too. The kid who refused to be controlled. The one who said no anyways. the one who was labeled a bad influence, a bad kid, or the problem child. But developmentally, they were often just trying to form autonomy or they were called disagreeable. Trying to become a person instead of a managed behavior. I think this is where a lot of confusion starts as adults, because we don't realize we weren't always being taught values. Sometimes, again, we were just trained to be compliant. when you grow up in that, you don't always learn how to tell the difference between I'm being kind and I'm abandoning myself. And sometimes people mix kindness with labels like being a good girl or the nice guy, and really. You're just abandoning yourself. Kindness has boundaries. Kindness is honest. Kindness has firmness in it. it's being led to people ending up in adulthood doing what they were trained to do, keeping the peace. Hypervigilance by reading the room constantly. Being low maintenance by staying easy and staying manageable. It feels like your personality. What if it wasn't your personality at all? What if that's what you learned was safest? Rebuilding foundation of safety is hard. if people pleasing was learned, then safety has to be relearned too. that's also hard. Rebuilding safety can be difficult when your nervous system learn that approval equals protection, equals safety in of itself. Because now you're not just changing behavior. You're changing what your body, your nervous system believes keeps you safe. It's hard being left out, being ignored, being called difficult or controlling, Especially when what's happening is other people never learned how to compromise in a way where nobody has to lose themselves just to cooperate. instead the discomfort gets projected onto you. You become the problem for not making yourself smaller, and eventually you learn there are two options. Fight for your autonomy and your voice, and possibly lose everything. Or choose what's easy and keeps the peace, keeps what's familiar. What doesn't ruffle feathers? Because when people are repeatedly punished for having standards, opinions, boundaries, preferences, emotions, or needs. The body can just start interpreting disagreement as danger. you start becoming the person who's afraid of conflict. And it's hard because It's not just emotional, it's physical. This tension in your chest, panic, guilt, shame. And then the question starts. If I stop over-accommodating people, am I selfish? Honestly, what's wrong with being appropriately self-focused sometimes? Why is that getting confused with narcissism? Yes, being considerate matters. Community matters. Relationships require compromise. Where is the line? once consideration starts costing someone their autonomy, their identity, boundaries, emotional safety, or when people can no longer feel that they can have their own boundaries, that emotionally they're safe, or can't even do self expression Is it still kindness? Or is someone benefiting from another person shrinking themselves? Sometimes we can see this clearly in weddings. People constantly joke about wedding drama, if you actually look deeper, a lot of it is about entitlement and control. There's a difference between demanding someone change their body, appearance, beliefs, and identity to make other people comfortable. Of course, we know this. Versus someone simply saying, We don't want alcohol at our wedding. We're having a destination wedding. We're choosing not to have kids there. Those are preferences, expectations, values. people don't need dramatic justifications to have them. You don't need to expose a family member's addiction to earn the right to say no to alcohol. You don't need a courtroom defense for your preferences to matter. You don't have to hate children because you don't want children at the wedding. You're allowed to make choices simply because they align with what you want, with what you value, what's your priority, because it is yours and your partner's wedding. And yes, people may still push back because some people learn that if they apply enough guilt, pressure, anger, or emotional consequences, eventually others will give in, and what we call people pleaser might be. We know we're going to be punished, so let's stay easy. Sometimes that behavior comes from control. Sometimes it comes from people desperately trying to reclaim their own voice after never being allowed to have one. Either way, it is still important to ask, am I making this choice to punish someone? Or because it genuinely aligns with who I am and what matters to me, because those are not the same things. It can really be hard to stop overaccommodating, though, at least for me. I was taught directly or indirectly that I was responsible for making the adults around me feel okay, that I was going to make them sad, and I didn't want to do that, did I? somewhere along the way, I learned that being loved meant being easy, being agreeable, being comforting, being a good girl. Looking back now, something feels really strange about that dynamic. because the same adults whose feelings were supposedly being deeply hurt by a seven year old also had significantly more power over that child's safety, stability, and emotional well being, yet somehow the responsibility got flipped. It was my job to regulate adult emotions. I wonder sometimes why we don't question that more. why wasn't anyone asking? Why is a child rejecting a hug affecting your self-worth? Why does the child saying no feel disrespectful to you? why does demanding obedience from someone smaller and more vulnerable feel like authority? when you really stop to think about it, It's wild how often conversations around children centering the adults' emotions comfort over the child's autonomy. As if a child holds all this emotional power when realistically the adults are the ones who have the actual power in the relationship. I think for some of us, that's where overaccommodation starts. We learn that if we keep people comfortable, Maybe we'll stay safe, maybe we'll stay loved, maybe we'll have our needs met, maybe we'll avoid conflict, maybe we'll avoid punishment or rejection. Even when our own body is quietly trying to warn us otherwise. Even when something inside of us screaming, this doesn't feel right. And of course, it looks out of character when you stop shrinking. Because some people only knew the version of you that survived by disappearing inside of yourself. We often forget that real kindness includes you in the equation too. Because kindness is a choice. Self-erosure is obligation. Kindness still allows autonomy. It allows honesty. It allows both people to exist. over consideration slowly removes the self for the sake of keeping the peace. And maintaining someone else's comfort. sometimes I wonder if constantly protecting people from discomfort actually limits them too. I remember growing up, you gotta learn. to a point, that line's not necessarily wrong. why are children responsible for preventing the adults in their life from they gotta learn? Maybe part of caring about people is allowing them to do hard things, to tolerate disappointment, to adapt, to hear, no. To regulate their own emotions without someone constantly rescuing them from discomfort. Because when kindness stops being freely chosen and starts becoming performance, people can feel that. ironically, that performance often creates more loneliness, not less. It's also important to admit preferences. Not because your preferences are more important than anybody else's in the world. We learned this from Louie Muffin. You can be the most special girl in the world, but you are not the only most special girl in the world. You might be the prettiest girl at the party, but so is everybody else. You're allowed to believe you're the prettiest girl the party for you, and other people are allowed to feel like they're the prettiest girl at the party as well. Because that's how we build connection with ourselves. it makes it easier to connect with others. Because people who believe in themselves are more open to believing in others. people who care about you want to know what makes you comfortable, happy, safe, excited, and seen. Especially when they know they have power over you. when you constantly hide your preferences to avoid burdening others, people who don't truly listen can still appear caring while doing the bare minimum. They can check boxes without ever getting to know you. sometimes rebuilding yourself starts small. Maybe it's pausing before automatically agreeing to something. Maybe it's you don't agree to anything in person and it has to be through text, so it gives you time to think about it. Maybe it's responding later instead of immediately in texts, emails Maybe it's giving yourself enough space to ask, do I actually want this? honestly, tolerating mild disappointment from others is a normal part of relationships. People are allowed to have feelings. People are allowed to have preferences. People are allowed to have standards. you don't have to rescue everyone from discomfort. A part of rebuilding trust in yourself is learning to notice discomfort instead of overriding it. For example, imagine telling people, hey, my dog wears a muzzle on walk, so she doesn't eat dangerous things off the ground. then someone removes it because they think they're helping you and your dog. Because looks so mean. they're not the ones who have to deal with the consequences if your dog eats something and gets sick. They're not the ones who have to pay to get your dog's stomach pump. Or maybe you trained your dog with structure and consistency because you take your responsibility seriously. someone else criticizes you calling you controlling because your standards make them uncomfortable. That doesn't automatically make them bad people. moments like that do tell you something important. Can people respect my standards? They personally don't understand? Can they tolerate discomfort without overriding your choices? Are they even curious to understand why you do that? Or do they just quickly dismiss it and decide to do it their way, even though they're not the ones who deal with the consequences? They're not the ones who have the responsibility of that dog. Because people don't usually start listening because we beg harder. What actually helps is noticing who constantly is respecting your limits and who only respects them when it's convenient for them. I think that's part of what reclaiming yourself looks like. Not becoming cold, not becoming selfish, not becoming someone who suddenly never cares about other people, slowly allowing yourself to exist inside your own feelings again. Sometimes it's tiny, tiny acts of selfhood. Admitting you don't actually like something, letting yourself change your mind, not over-explaining a boundary, choosing the restaurant once in a while, saying, actually I'm tired. I can't make it. I don't agree. That doesn't work for me. allowing those sentences to exist without immediately trying to soften them into something easier for someone else to digest and sometimes it's just no. for some people, honesty feels dangerous for them to do because it can feel wrong. Especially when authenticity once came with consequences. I think there's grief in realizing that. Grief realizing how much of yourself became performance. Realizing your maturity may have sometimes just been suppression. grief Realizing you were praised more for being easy to handle than fully known. Some of us weren't rewarded for authenticity. We were rewarded for being manageable. For being low maintenance, easygoing, helpful, understanding, flexible, even when it hurt us. And again, I do think being helpful, understanding, and flexibility matters. Being patient matters. But at what point is it becoming unconditional tolerance? And I think part of healing is allowing yourself to mourn that honestly. Not to stay stuck there. Because naming grief gives us a chance to stop repeating it automatically. even if we do repeat it, it's about changing behaviors as soon as possible. And it might take a year when you realize, I don't like this behavior. And then a month. And then a week, and then a whole day, and then an hour. sometimes it's realizing it, self reflecting on it. maybe the goal was never about becoming perfectly agreeable. Maybe the goal was supposed to becoming a whole person, and sometimes that happens slow and steady, with little changes. A person capable of kindness and boundaries, compassion and self respect, connection and autonomy, baby. And maybe that balance feels uncomfortable at first because you're finally practicing something different and it's so hard. It's so hard to learn how to walk. It's so hard to learn how to talk. And I just watch my girls, and I just want to reassure you that when we're learning new skills, it is hard. You're allowed to be like Bob's burger and says, fine, fine, but I'm gonna complain the whole time because it's not about perfection, it's about practice, honey. Practice speaking, practice noticing, practice choosing, practice existing without disappearing and you can do it. So back to the question Are you actually a people pleaser or were you just taught to be overly considerate? And maybe that's the strange part about all of this. A lot of us thought we were becoming better people, when really we were just becoming easier to manage, easier to predict, easier to silence, easier to keep comfortable for everybody else. And after a while you stop noticing how often you abandon yourself in tiny ways. You stop noticing how quickly you say yes and how quickly you apologize, how quickly you make yourself smaller before anyone ever asks you to. Because eventually it stops feeling like a choice and it just feels like this is me. And I think that's why this kind of healing can feel so disorienting. Because when people have spent years rewarding the version of you that's self-abandoned, The moment you stop doing that, it can feel like you're becoming the problem. Even when you're actually becoming more honest, more visible, more whole, more you. Maybe that's where grief lives too. Realizing how much energy went into being lovable instead of being known. Realizing how often mature meant stay quiet. How often kind meant accommodating, how often good melts self-erasure. maybe some of us are exhausted not because we care too much, because we learn to care about ourselves last or not at all. there is a difference between kindness and self abandonment. One comes from choice, the other comes from fear. maybe healing isn't learning how to care less about others. Maybe it's finally learning that you were supposed to exist in the equation too. Not as a reward. Not to be earned. Not once everyone else felt comfortable. Not once everyone approves the entire time. Maybe the question isn't why am I such a people pleaser? Maybe a better question is, who taught me that being easy to manage was the safest way to be loved? Or even maybe the harder question is, where's the line between kindness and slowly disappearing inside of your own life? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Have there been moments you realize you were being considerate or were you abandoning yourself? What's one small way you started choosing yourself without losing yourself in kindness? Whether you leave a comment, send me a message, or simply sit with this question yourself, I hope this conversation stays with you. Thank you for slowing down and thinking out loud with me. Until next time, take care of yourself. remember, kindness doesn't require you to disappear. The healthiest relationships don't ask you to become smaller. They make room for you to exist too. I'll see you in the next episode.