Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #123—Am I consciously soothing or punishing my body for remembering?
Transcript
- speaker-0: ⁓ my god. What a night. I feel like crap this morning. I just you know ⁓ I've resorted to some really outdated coping mechanisms. Some all outdated coping strategies that I know are outdated. But I've been ⁓ I've had a in the last I don't know, maybe three weeks I've had two really big, huge, major ⁓ memories that have come back to me that have shook me to my core that I'm I'm still numb from. You know, the the the the first one, it's like okay, it took a minute for it to to settle into my nervous system. For me to just sit with that piece of what happened. And then it's like, okay, my nervous system somewhat regulated from that. And I had to nourish my body, and it's like, boom! This next thing, this next memory came back, and I was like, holy fuck. I thought the other one was bad, this one was worse. speaker-1: you speaker-0: You know, and and that's how it's been it's been working for me. It's it's the memories haven't quite been linear. ⁓ the memories come back as my body feels safe enough to to show my my consciousness what it is that I I need to remember. speaker-1: you speaker-0: 'Cause there's d there's it's several thing i i it's it's years actually of of abuse. And ⁓ not just by one person. And so I I I it's like my body needed to feel, you know, grounded and my nervous system needed to be regulated and I needed to feel safe enough ⁓ to speaker-1: you you speaker-0: allow my body to to show my consciousness these these things that I needed to remember. And so my mind and my body was fighting and my mind was even fighting. You know, because it's like I want to remember these things. Truly I do. I know that it's important that I need to remember these things. Because I know that I have triggers, I know that I have fears, I know that I have phobias, I know I even have kinks, okay? Because of of certain things that happen to me. And and so I I know that I need to explore this. I know that I need to remember this. You know, but at the same time it's incredibly painful. And so it's like I'm fighting with my mind of I want to know and I want to remember, but I don't want to know and I don't want to remember. So that there's that ⁓ f fight within my mind. And then because of that, you know, I'm I'm I self-sabotage my myself sometimes so that I don't feel grounded or regulated. Because when we feel grounded and regulated and I feel safe in my body, then we remember things and I don't like that. You know, and then that's it's it's it's like, ⁓ God, it rocks your world and you know, it it it brings you to your knees sometimes and it's painful and the grief and the and the rage and just all this and then you're just in emotional turmoil and and then it's like, Okay, I'm gonna go I I need to to I'm gonna consciously soothe because this is so big and it's so heavy and you know, I allow myself to to sit with it, right, and to feel whatever initial feeling I I'm feeling and sometimes it's numbness and then it goes to rage and then it goes to grief and then it goes back to this the numbness and shock and like I don't believe it you know and you fight with yourself and it's just all these things you know and what I'm I'm realizing too is I'm I'm saying that I'm I'm consciously soothing myself but am I at this point in the game? Am I Am I consciously soothing or am I punishing my body for remembering? Am I punishing my body for remembering? Because sometimes that's how it feels. I'm like, ⁓ my god, it's like I'm punishing myself. I feel I feel horrible. I feel like shit. My stomach hurts because I'm overeating. My lungs hurt because I'm, you know, partaking way too much. speaker-1: Thank you. speaker-0: Because the the the pain is just so incredible of of what I'm I'm remembering w what happened to me. And so I do. I I I need to Be brutally honest with myself, and I'm like, mm. I'm going into this this old way of existence. And and it gets to the point, right, where you're that old way of coping, that old way of thinking is it's exhausting. Because you know that there's a better way. You know there's a a way that's more aligned with you. And it just it feels so exhausting that you can't even keep it up anymore. You know, and I think that that's where I am. I think I feel like that's where I'm I am. That that old way is just it's too hard to keep up with it. And that tells me something too about me and about my progress and about my even the way my nervous system is working now, right? because my nervous system is becoming more regulated where where those things they it no longer satiates me, right? It no longer soothes ⁓ the nervous system. In fact it flares it up more. You know, so that even that's that that shift and then of of me being able to see that, right? Like, mm, this isn't helping me the way that it used to help me. In fact it's really it's making me worse. You know, so let me go into the things that I know are going to help me, which is nourishment, which is love, which is kindness, which is compassion, which is feeling all the feelings that come with these memories coming back. But it's it's just this interesting thing of of too of what I've learned. That safety I equate safety to pain. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Because when my body feels safe, then I I have painful memories that come back. So it's it's so it's it's it's it's fascinating to me how our our how our brains work and how our nervous system ⁓ becomes comfortable and actually thrives in chaos. You know, so to me. speaker-1: you you speaker-0: when my body on my nervous system always did better and and chaos felt comfortable and now it doesn't, I'm like, wow, I gotta kinda pat myself on the back. I have to feel good about that. So instead of me saying, ⁓ I'm so upset with myself because I feel like I've reverted back and, you know, I've I've you know, my stomach, I'm all bloated and my stomach hurts and I I put on a couple pounds and I'm like, ugh, I feel uncomfortable in my clothes. I you know, and you know, just whatever it is. Instead of judging myself and shaming myself for that, I've got to like I'm I'm I I'm taking that piece of me and I'm I'm I'm honoring her and I'm like, hey thank you for for keeping me safe for all these years. 'Cause it it was a safety mechanism. It was for protection. I've learned a lot from you. You know? And and that piece of me says, you know, Well, I'm still here, right? 'Cause I say to that piece of me, Aren't you tired? I I feel like you're tired. Wouldn't you like to do something different? And she says, Well that piece is like but you might need me. You might need me. I don't you know, maybe I shouldn't go completely away. And then I say You know what? Okay, I I'm gonna honor that. You've been with me for so long. Right? You don't really have to go anywhere. Let's just sit together for a while. You know? And maybe you could just, you know, start to retire a little bit. We could still hang out occasionally. I I think we should talk, right? I'm not gonna lose you forever. I'm gonna love you and I'm I'm gonna still love you and and and be kind. Because I know that there's still a lot to learn, you know, from from that piece of me. And so I'm not gonna exile you. We're just we're just gonna exist. But, you know, maybe you can find something different to focus your attention on instead of instead of ⁓ helping me like to to put the fires out of of emotion, you know? And so in my mind I'm like, okay, well, I'm not I've not gone back. I'm not, I'm like, I haven't lost progress. In fact, I continue to gain progress just for the fact that I can recognize this. And I cannot be this ⁓ heart and I'm I'm not being harsh and critical with myself. But I'm being loving and I'm being kind and I'm being compassionate with myself. You know, and and and and that's that's progress. You know, it's these little things and then and this is this things I I never looked at in this way. And so I I see that. I see how my I've been able to, you know, change the narrative and understand my body and and understand my nervous system in a new way. And I feel good about that, you know, so I'm not gonna beat myself up. speaker-1: you speaker-0: That I've spent the last two weeks you know, in somewhat ⁓ chaos in this chaotic ⁓ manner, but the chaos was there to teach me something, you know, that I don't necessarily that that maybe I don't need to thrive in chaos anymore. And you then it's okay. You know, maybe I can I can I can alchemize that and turn thriving in cha no chaos into like a superpower, you know. But I know that my nervous system no longer ⁓ that no longer resonates with my nervous system. And what I'm I'm seeing and I'm feeling is that my nervous system is like, hmm, I prefer steady. I prefer slow and steady. I prefer to, you know, I'm okay with feeling with feelings, you know? And those are the little things. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Those are the little things that I know that things are shifting for me. And I've not lost progress. You know, I'm actually just continuing to to move forward. Because sometimes it's about our perspective and how we choose to look at things. I mean, right there. That's huge. That shift in per perspective, the shift in consciousness. ⁓ I don't know. Just rambling on this morning. Just my another voice note to the universe. speaker-1: you