Latest / Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach / EP 37: The Hidden Cost of Being Available

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EP 37: The Hidden Cost of Being Available · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

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  Friend, what if the reason you're feeling overwhelmed isn't because you're doing too
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  much?
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  What if it's because you've become available for too much?
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  Not all at once.
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  This happens slowly.
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  You stay up a little later because it's summer, or you move your workout to fit everyone else's
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  schedule, or you tell yourself, I'll take that walk later, or you postpone your quiet
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  time.
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  You just keep saying, I'll get to it tomorrow.
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  And then one day you look up and wonder, when did I stop taking care of myself?
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  So here's what I've realized.
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  The problem isn't that we're trying to love our families well, because we're doing that.
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  The problem is that little by little, we've become available for everything except the
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  things that help us become the woman God has called us to be.
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  So today I want to share a simple exercise that has helped me rethink this entire summer.
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  It's helped me stop feeling scattered, and stop feeling guilty, and start making some
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  intentional decisions again.
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  If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much, and wondering why peace still feels
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  so hard to hold on to, you're in the right place.
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  Hi, I'm Lori, mom, former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach.
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  Here we talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries, and get clear on
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  what actually matters, so that you can build a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more
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  satisfying.
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  So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into this next episode.
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  Hey, friend, welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms.
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  I am your host, Lori Grimes, and today we are talking about the hidden costs of being
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  too available.
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  This episode is coming straight to you from my own life.
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  So I shared with you guys that when summer started, I had a plan.
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  I was going to work out whenever my son and his friends decided they wanted to go to the
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  gym.
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  They had a decent plan of going, and it sounded like a great idea because we could just knock
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  it all out together, right?
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  But as the weeks went on, I realized these boys were crazy.
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  Their schedule was all over the place.
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  It was super unpredictable.
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  Some days they wanted to go early.
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  Some days they want to go later.
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  Other days they just decided not to go at all.
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  So I found myself just waiting around, trying to fit one of my biggest priorities into someone
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  else's schedule, 14-year-old boys nonetheless.
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  So before I knew it, my workouts were inconsistent.
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  My walks in the park, which I absolutely love, they are life-giving to me.
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  They weren't happening as nearly as often as I would like, and my bedtime, y'all, had
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  gotten much later because the kids were staying up later, and my step count, it was just not
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  where I wanted it to be.
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  So then it just hit me.
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  I didn't need a better planner, and I didn't need more motivation.
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  I had the motivation.
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  I just needed to renegotiate the commitments I made for this season.
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  So one of the biggest problems is that we stay vague.
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  What I mean by that is we carry all our commitments, our responsibilities, our expectations, our
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  projects, things that we worry about.
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  We just carry it around in our head, right?
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  We know we're busy.
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  We know something is feeling off.
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  We begin to feel behind, but we can't always explain why.
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  The truth is we can't renegotiate what we haven't identified, and we can't fix what
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  we decide not to look at, okay?
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  So one thing I've been realizing this summer is that vagueness can become a form of people-pleasing.
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  So when I'm not clear about what's important to me, it's much easier to just adjust my
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  life around everyone else's needs, my kids, my friends, my husband, and just fix my life
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  around their wants, their wishes, and their schedules.
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  And I keep saying yes because I haven't decided what needs to be a no.
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  I keep moving my priorities because I am not protecting them, and I keep waiting to see
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  what everyone else is doing before I decide what I'm going to do.
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  And being vague about our priorities often means that someone else's priorities will
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  take that space.
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  It will fill that open space.
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  So guys, before we make any decisions, we have to get everything out of our heads and
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  onto paper.
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  We have to write down every commitment, every responsibility, every expectation that we
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  have in every project.
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  So anything that is taking up our mental space.
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  Because I want to tell you, clarity, it's a gift.
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  It's a gift you are giving yourself because it removes so much of the mental load and
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  the stress we don't even realize that we're carrying.
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  And it's a gift to the people that we love because they no longer have to guess what
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  is important to us.
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  And it's a gift to our future selves because once we can clearly see what our commitments
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  are, we can make intentional decisions instead of reactionary ones, right?
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  And clarity, guys, it's not selfish.
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  It is stewardship.
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  So once everything is out on paper, I think there are only three decisions we need to
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  make with them.
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  One is keep it and schedule it.
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  So get it on the calendar.
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  Where do you want it?
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  Where should it go?
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  Because if it's important, we need to give it priority, not just hope it happens, right?
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  Number two, release it or postpone it.
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  So maybe it's a great goal, but it's just not the right one for the season.
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  Give yourself permission to let it wait and put it off.
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  Okay, number three, renegotiate the terms.
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  This one has been big for me this summer.
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  So back to the workout plan.
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  My original plan, again, was to go whenever my son and his friends went to the gym.
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  Sounded great.
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  It was working for a time.
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  And then all of a sudden their schedule was changing all the time.
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  And I realized I was just waiting on everyone else.
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  And I was sometimes not even getting to the workout.
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  So I renegotiated it.
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  I didn't quit exercising, guys.
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  I didn't decide that my health didn't matter.
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  I simply just changed the terms.
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  Now, I've decided to protect my mornings and I do my workout now and take my walk in the
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  park before the rest of the day's activities begin.
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  Because mornings give me the best chance of protecting my non-negotiables for the day,
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  begins filling it up with everybody else's needs.
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  So sometimes we don't need to abandon our priorities.
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  We need to just renegotiate how we're going to accomplish them this season.
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  So as I was thinking about this, three passages kept coming to mind.
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  Proverbs 4, 25 through 27, it says, let your eyes look straight ahead.
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  Fix your gaze directly before you.
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  Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all of your ways.
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  Do not turn to the right or to the left.
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  I love this picture because it's about focus.
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  God isn't asking us to look in every direction or chase every opportunity.
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  He's telling us to pay careful attention to the path he's placed in front of us.
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  So when we're constantly adjusting our lives and we're basically moving everything around
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  others expectations, it's easy to lose sight of the path that God has called us to walk.
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  So also I thought about Ephesians 5, 15 through 17, and it says, be very careful then how
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  you live.
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  Not as unwise, but as wise.
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  Making the most of every opportunity.
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  Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
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  So we need to be making the most of our time and that doesn't mean fill every minute of
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  every day.
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  That's not what I'm saying.
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  It just means make wise, intentional decisions about what deserves your time moms, what deserves
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  your energy and your attention this season.
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  And sometimes wisdom is just looking like saying yes, but sometimes it looks like just
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  saying not now.
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  Or it looks like just renegotiating the way that we are doing something.
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  So in Psalm 90, 12, it says, teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
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  Our days are a gift from God.
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  Our time is limited.
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  Our energy is limited.
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  We know that.
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  Instead of feeling guilty that we can't do everything, we can ask God for wisdom and
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  to help us choose what matters most.
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  That's really what healthy boundaries are about.
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  It's not about being rigid guys.
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  It's about becoming wise stewards of the life that God has entrusted to us.
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  So we need to structure our flexibility.
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  What do I mean by that?
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  That probably sounds weird and it sounds backwards, but I think we need to structure our flexibility.
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  Structure doesn't have to be rigid because we know we've got our kids at home and there's
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  stuff that we're doing that's different, but flexibility without structure is just chaos.
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  And we decide ahead of time where we're going to be flexible instead of letting flexibility
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  just take over our entire lives.
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  So that could look like Friday and Saturday nights.
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  Maybe those are your flexible nights, or maybe just afternoons are for your spontaneous trips
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  to the pool, or in your mornings are protected like I do.
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  I protect it for my quiet time, my workout, my walk, or your work.
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  Maybe you're flexible about when you exercise, but you're not flexible about whether you
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  exercise.
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  So you know you want to, but you're flexible on the timing.
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  Every season needs a few non-negotiables.
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  Those are the habits that keep us healthy and investing in our future selves.
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  And it's the routines that keep us grounded and the priorities that help us to love God
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  and love our families and care for these amazing bodies God's given us and the minds He's entrusted
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  to us.
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  So this week I want you to grab one sheet of paper.
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  Get everything out of your heads, moms.
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  Get it out of your head and on a paper.
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  Every commitment, responsibility, every expectation you have that you haven't quite articulated,
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  every project, then work through these three decisions we talked about today.
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  Keep it and schedule it, release it or postpone it, or renegotiate the terms for the season.
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  So friend, making your priorities clear is a gift to yourselves and to the people that
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  you love.
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  You don't have to be available for everything, my friends, to be fully present to what matters
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  most.
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  So until next time, remember that healthy boundaries aren't about building walls.
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  They're about building a life with peace, purpose, and margin, one intentional choice
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  at a time.
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  Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
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  If so, would you take 30 seconds and go join our free Facebook page at Healthy Boundaries
• 11:23
  for Moms?
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  That's where we go deeper, share what's actually working, and support each other in real life.
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  I will also share some great tools and tips to help you along this journey.
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  group.
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  More importantly, it helps more women find this podcast.
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  Now go say no to something that's stealing your peace and say yes to something you actually
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  need.
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  And we'll meet you back here in the next episode.