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When Your ADHD Brain Meets Your Kinky Side with Cate Osborn · The Kink Consultant

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It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Hey everyone, and welcome to
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this week's episode of The King Consultant.
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I am joined by Kate Osborne, also famously known as
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Katiosaurus on Instagram, TikTok, across the web.
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Kate is an educator, she's a full time content creator and
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author. All of the things.
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Plus on top of that, are you getting your PhD?
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Yeah, I'm getting my PHDI will be Doctor Kate in a couple of
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years. So that's like a little wild is
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a little crazy that. Is a high level of dedication.
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I like talking about sex on the Internet.
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Why not just and triple down on it?
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Go for the full EGOT. Maybe I will be the first person
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to get an EGOT, but just talking about sex and intimacy, I don't
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know what that looks like, But we'll start with the Broadway
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musical and go from there. Yeah.
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You could set the tone. Write the musical first.
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Kink the musical, that's. Exactly what I'm looking for.
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We're off to a strong start in discussing today's topic.
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One of the things that I first came across when someone said
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oh, the overlap between kink and people with ADHD.
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The Venn diagrams a circle, and while I don't think it's that
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close, I have almost no evidence to point me in the opposite.
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Direction. Actually I have one kinky friend
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who is totally neurotypical, not ADHD.
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So like I have a sample size of one who's not and then about 100
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kinky friends. I like to say that it's a stack
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of pancakes. They're not perfectly in line,
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but there's always some outliers.
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The little squiggly pancake corners, those are for the
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neurotypicals. And we love them.
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We. Love them just the same, they're
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still delicious. Absolutely, I'll get my king
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from any trusted source. So.
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Exactly right. OK.
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So that is how I first came across you two years ago on
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Instagram and I was like, they make a lot of sense.
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I'm feeling this. So with that said, you're
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constantly putting out content right now that I think so many
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of us can relate to navigating life with ADHD in the 1st place.
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But how did you get into this level of education?
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What inspired this? Spite is my your spite, Amanda.
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Basically, I got diagnosed with ADHD the day before my 30th
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birthday, and up until that point I didn't know that I was
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neurodivergent. I thought that I had just missed
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some crucial memo about about existing in the world and I was
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failing. I was drowning.
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I felt inherently broken and like there was something wrong
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with me. I wound up going to get an ADHD
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diagnosis and that moment unlocked everything for me.
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Suddenly I had structures, I knew what to Google, I had a
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container by which I could understand my brain and the way
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that I moved through the world. But the thing was, is that I
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didn't know anything about ADHD. I just knew that ADHD was a
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thing that existed and as far as I knew, it mostly affected 7
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year old boys. And so I'm a nerd and my
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background is in research and academia.
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And so I started learning about ADHD.
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And the more that I started learning about ADHD, the more I
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started noticing that there were all of these conversations that
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weren't being had. There were all of these places
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where there were these monumental gaps in the
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conversation, especially around topics that selfishly very
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personally affected me. Things about ADHD and hormones
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and intimacy and relationships and intimacy is a place where I
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have always struggled. I've always found difficulty in
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relating to my body and my sexuality and my gender and like
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all of those different things. And so the more that I started
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learning about ADHD, the more I started learning that there was
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this profound connection. So I went back to school to
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become a certified sex educator. And the story that I always tell
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is that on the first day of class, we were talking about
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what happens when something goes wrong during sex or something
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funny happens during a scene. And the instructor said very
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specifically, the moment is not precious.
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You can just get back into it, just jump back into it.
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And I remember being like, I have a question, what if you
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have ADHD? And the moment is always
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precious. I just realized how
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underrepresented ADHD neurodivergent voices as a whole
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in conversations around sex and intimacy.
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What happens when conversations around consent involve people
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who don't have a good working memory, people who may struggle
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with communication or go nonverbal?
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And so I decided that I needed to be the change that I wanted
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to see in the world, and I started talking about it.
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What happened was is a lot of people found their way to my
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content who had been feeling exactly like me.
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So yeah, a few million follows and a couple of 100 million
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views later, here I have a book coming out, podcast.
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I have all this great stuff that I'm doing to make a very long
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answer longer. My answer is I did it because of
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Spike. I love.
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It no, that's that's your origin story at that example of the
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moment is not precious versus no, it actually is for some
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people. Yeah, Precious, that moment.
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Yeah, my whole thing is executive functioning and how
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executive functioning and sensory processing ties into
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intimacy. One of the things that I
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genuinely get frustrated about is the fact that you don't have
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to be neurodivergent to have conversations about executive
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functioning. You don't have to be
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neurodivergent to talk about sensory issues or sensory
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preferences. You probably have a blanket that
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you love and a blanket that you hate, right?
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And so it's that kind of thing. The work that I'm doing isn't
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just for people with ADHD. It is for people who want to
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improve their intimacy and have better, deeper and more
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meaningful conversations. It just happens that a lot of
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what I talk about is kink, because that shit chef's kiss.
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Well, for so many reasons, and you talk about that frequently.
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One of the reasons it's so relatable, I'm sure, for people
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who are neurotypical, is that you're still breaking it down.
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It's such a fine level that everyone can be part of part of
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the conversation. It just opens door for everyone.
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Yeah, not to toot my own horn, but yeah, I certainly try.
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You do it well and yes, toot away please.
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I want to talk about the book because it's about adulting with
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ADHD, right? I'm sure you talk to people all
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the time who are probably this similar story to you.
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They were diagnosed as adults, but in the spectrum of being
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diagnosed with something you've had your whole life old.
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Yeah, so the book is called the ADHD Field Guide for Adults.
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It's available for pre-order now.
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You can pre-order it from wherever there is a pre-order to
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be had. I love suggesting bookshop.org
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so you can support indie bookstores, but if you are a
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Amazon person you can do that. Barnes and Noble.
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You can also go to simonandschuster.com it's right
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on their website as well. So anywhere you want to buy I
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would appreciate it. Love it.
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OK, tell us more. Looking at books about ADHD and
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looking at the resources that were available, I got frustrated
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because so many books about ADHD are grounded in this idea that
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ADHD is this burden to overcome, and in some ways it is.
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Living with ADHD can challenging the ADHD attention deficit
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hyperactivity disorder. Deficit and disorder are part of
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the names, right? So it's like, imagine you go to
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the doctor and you get diagnosed with like fuck up disease.
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You're like, Oh no, I've got fuck ups, right?
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The way that we talk about ADHD is so deficit based.
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Here's all the things that you suck at.
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Here's all the things that you can't do.
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And that's really frustrating. And the second thing is that a
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lot of the literature around ADHD is ironically inaccessible
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for people with ADHD. It is hard to read.
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It's walls text, it's science, jargony heavy.
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And a huge percentage of people with ADHD deal with learning
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differences, dyscalculia, dyslexia, that kind of thing.
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Why are we making books about ADHD that are difficult for
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people with ADHD to read? That seems silly to me.
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And then conversations that we weren't having.
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Where are the ADHD books about sex and intimacy?
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That's useful information to have in context with ADHD.
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And so I basically said fucking Leroy Jenkins.
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I guess I'll just write the book and I did so the ADHD field
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guide for adults is specifically designed for people with ADHD.
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It is bite sized chunks. You can literally treat it like
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a bathroom reader. So you can whip it open to any
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page. You're going to learn something.
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There's all different topics, everything from navigating
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intimacy and relationships to household chores, how to feed
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yourself. There's recipes, there's history
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of ADHD. Basically like a brain dump
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about ADHD in book form, specifically designed layout
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wise, text wise, font wise, even to be very dyslexia dyscalculia
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friendly. And I'm really proud of that
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because we really had to fight to get the book to be the way
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that we wanted the book to be because there's not a lot of
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books that exist like that. And so it was really interesting
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going through the process of getting the book published and
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the conversations that we had to have.
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And yeah. First of all, that's fascinating
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imagining you writing lots of post it notes or.
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Something the entire book was post it notes.
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We had a wall in the office of post it notes and then slowly a
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post it note. At the time it became a book and
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yeah, I'm really proud of it. And it's just weird.
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It exists now, yeah. And you made it.
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I made it. It was this.
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Every time I have someone who's written a book, they're like, I
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fought for the book to be this way because you are the expert
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in this space and you're creating new blueprint for
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people. Yeah, that sounds so accessible
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and something everyone would want to read because it's size
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1, I hope. I hope so.
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I mean, and like we even tried to include sections that aren't
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for people with ADHD. So we have a chapter that is
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just for the partners of people with ADHD.
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We have chapters for parents of kids with ADHD who might not
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understand, who might face challenges in terms of why are
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you like this? Because so often the ADHD
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narrative becomes again, that deficit, that frustration, that
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why can't you just do the thing? But just doing the thing when
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you have ADHD is such a complicated and nuanced thing
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that we really want to just break it down into nitty gritty
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details and say, here's what it's actually like trying to do
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the thing. Here's how your executive
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functioning works in striving to do the thing.
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And truthfully, sometimes you can strive as much as you want,
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but sometimes your systems are going to fail.
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Sometimes as much as you set yourself up for failure, stuff
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is going to happen. And in those moments, that's
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where kindness, that's where compassion, that's where
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forgiving yourself and supporting yourself, that's what
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is important. Yes, you're going to lose your
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key sometimes, but how you treat yourself while you're losing
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them, that's the most important thing.
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And so that's a really big core message of the book.
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Oh fuck, I want to cry. No, I know, I know, that sounds
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so silly, but you're talking about aftercare for when you
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fuck up. Oh yeah, absolutely.
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Yeah. Please use that word because I
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feel like I fucked up. Yeah, really annoyed at myself
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and I forget to be kind. People say things like treat
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yourself how you would treat a friend, and I would never say to
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a friend the things that I say to myself in my head.
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I would never treat my friend the way that often treat myself
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and punish myself for the small meaningless things that I screw
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up. And I really wanted to delve
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into that because I think that is a learned behavior that comes
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out of rejection sensitivity and the PTSD of living as an
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undiagnosed neurodivergent adult where you're just trying and
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trying and you can't keep up and you can't fit in.
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There's lots of interesting studies about how much more
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negative messaging kids with ADHD get across their lives.
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They get 9000 times or 9000 more negative messaging about
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themselves as like neurotypical kids.
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And still growing up, I didn't know that I was different.
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I didn't know that I needed different kinds of supports.
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And now I do. And so I can work on forgiving
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myself. And also learning to advocate
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for yourself. Yes, in the world, because
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sometimes you do get negative messages from friends going and
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saying that you're late. There is negative messaging even
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as an adult. So yeah, not everyone has ADHD
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and it's hard to see each other sometimes.
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It's hard to see. And The thing is that I always
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say is nobody notices when you do it right.
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If you show up on time, they go, OK, great, Amanda got here on
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time. There's no, Oh my God, Amanda,
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it must have been really difficult for you to get here on
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time if you don't get that recognition.
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It's just the assumption as you be on time.
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And yes, being on time is important, and I'm not saying
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that it's not, but it's the validation doesn't really come
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so much as the criticism and negative messaging when we
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happen to fail. And so shifting that mindset, I
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think is really important. I know even just giving yourself
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a little. Yeah, yeah.
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Exactly. Old star for me.
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Can we talk about rejection sensitivity?
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And I want to overlap it a little bit with kink because I
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work with a lot of people who are neurodivergent or obsessed
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with their doms. And if the relationship ends,
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they can really create a feedback loop in their head
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about it over and over again. And I try and work with them.
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It's a little bit limbrance, but I also think it's a little bit
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rejection sensitivity. Yeah.
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So have you noticed an overlap? OK, so let's start at the
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beginning, which what is rejection sensitivity?
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Rejection sensitivity, for those of you who don't know, is
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basically a heightened emotional reaction to rejection.
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And this is the important part. Real parentheses or perceived,
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the rejection doesn't have to be happening in order to elicit an
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emotional response. And I think that's something
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really important to keep in mind.
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Rejection sensitivity is not a diagnosable thing.
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It does not exist in the DSM. There's been a lot of
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interesting research around it recently.
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What actually is it? Is it CPTSD?
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Is it just ongoing internalized negative messaging?
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Is it anxiety? What is it?
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Where does it come from? Does it come from a emotional
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dysregulation standpoint? And the answer I think is yes.
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I think it's like a little buffet of everything.
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But for somebody who doesn't experience rejection
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sensitivity, it can be incredibly difficult to
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understand the profound emotional impact that can come
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from living with rejection sensitivity.
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There's been some study dawns on like the rate of rejection
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sensitivity and people with ADHD, and some people say it's
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as high as 95%, which is wild. But the thought process behind
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the reason why so many people experience it is because, let's
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say, being late, if you have been criticized your whole life
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for being late, if you know this pattern, if you know this thing
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that happens can be really easy. And the next time that you're
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late to say, Oh my God, everybody hates me, All my
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friends are mad at me, nobody likes me, I'm a fuck up, I'm a
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piece of shit, I'm irredeemable. They're just gonna leave me.
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Like that kind of thing, right? Be really easy to fill in those
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gaps with rejection, with negativity.
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So how does that fit into kink and BDSM and intimacy as a
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whole? The answer might surprise you.
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For me, one of the biggest places that it shows up in is
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self advocacy. Is the unwillingness to ask for
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what you want, the profound fear of vulnerability, A profound
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fear of saying actually, that's a little bit uncomfortable,
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actually, can you please loosen the knot?
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Can we change the toy or whatever?
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There's a lot of reticence in people living with rejection
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sensitivity to speak up for themselves and to extrapolate
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that further into really bad stuff.
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I see a lot of people, women especially with ADHD, who say
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yes when they mean no because they are afraid of being
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rejected. They are afraid of being left.
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They give permission for things that they aren't enjoying, that
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they are enduring, that are uncomfortable, that make them
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feel bad and humiliated and degraded.
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But that's what he's into. And he likes me.
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And if I say no, he might not like me anymore.
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And then I'm back to square one. I'm by myself and it's my fault
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because I said no. And it's really upsetting and
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it's a really damaging narrative.
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It's a really dangerous narrative.
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And speaking very personally, I did the same thing when I was in
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my 20s and I was getting into kink and into the kink scene.
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There were a lot of times where I didn't use the safe word.
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I didn't call red. I'd said yes when I meant no
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because I was in that headspace of but who's gonna like me, that
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rejection sensitivity of and if I say no, he's going to be mad.
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If I say no, they're going to be upset.
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If I say no, I'm going to ruin everything.
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I'm going to kill the vibe. And as a result, I got injured,
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I got hurt, I was sexually assaulted.
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Like there are real world harm from imagined and perceived
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rejection. And it can be really challenging
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to navigate through. It can be really dangerous to
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navigate through. And so one of the things that I
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spend a lot of time talking about is that self advocacy
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component is that idea of yes, it can be scary to say no.
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Yes, it can be scary to speak up.
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But if you cannot do that, you cannot authentically be giving
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consent. If you cannot say no, you cannot
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give a consensual yes. And that goes for coercion just
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as much as it goes for self-imposed rejection sensitive
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styled yeses, if that makes sense.
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I mean, it all makes sense. It's tragic.
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It's yeah, again, as I've said multiple times already,
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relatable. For me, the fear was always it's
16:37
not even ruining the vivates. They'll leave.
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Like in my head, it's they will leave.
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I have nightmares that they will leave.
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Yeah, and the leaving doesn't have to be breaking up because
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that's the other thing is when I talk about rejections
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sensitivity for people who don't understand it is imagine that
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you're really excited to get dinner with a friend, and so you
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text them and you say, hey, super excited to get dinner with
16:55
you tonight, exclamation point, and they send you back.
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Sounds good period. For people who aren't living
17:01
with rejection sensitivity, that's a perfectly normal
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conversation. For somebody who does live with
17:05
rejection sensitivity, that period can start an emotional
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spiral that could take days to recover from.
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Are they mad at me? What did they mean by that?
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Why didn't they match my enthusiasm?
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Don't they understand that I'm really excited?
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Am I bothering them? Did I upset them by text
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messaging them through the day? You can go on and on.
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You can cycle and cycle and cycle, right?
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But that idea of being left doesn't necessarily mean, oh,
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they won't be my friend anymore. It can include that.
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But it can also be being left in terms if they're not going to
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respond to my text or they're going to leave me on red or
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they're going to just be weird at dinner because I was too
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enthusiastic. That kind of leaving as well I
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think is important to name. Thank you so much because I have
17:43
some really good friends who I can obsess and talk out these
17:46
things with, but then I have some people were like, are you
17:48
fucking crazy when I vocalized? Oh my gosh, I'm feeling nervous
17:52
about this situation. Yeah.
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And I think Kate the educator comes out.
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And so the follow up then is that this is a learned behavior.
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This is a pattern matching learned behavior that you have
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internalized through years and years that I have internalized.
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I'm not saying, oh, it's just a you problem.
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Like I have also internalized years of these kind of
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experiences. Maybe it comes again, where does
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it come from? Does it come from anxiety?
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Does it come from C PTSD? Who knows.
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But honestly, at the end of the day, who gives a shit because
18:18
it's affecting us And that's the thing that I'm interested in.
18:21
So the thing to keep in mind is that you can break that
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rejection sensitivity spiral. You can work on naming those
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thoughts as that is a thought that is grounded in my rejection
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sensitivity. As you work to strengthen that
18:35
muscle, you can reduce the severity of rejection
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sensitivity, you can reduce the impact that it has.
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And you can also learn skills and tools that you can put in
18:44
your toolbox, like self advocacy, practicing, asking for
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what you want. A big one genuinely is
18:49
practicing saying no working with your partner.
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All you're going to do tonight is say no Say no to me.
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If I ask you for a glass of water, if I ask you to hold your
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hand, if I ask you if I can give you whatever it might be, you're
18:59
going to say no to me and you're going to say no all night.
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And every time you do, I'm going to give you a little reward.
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I'm going to give you a piece of candy.
19:04
I'm going to give you a sticker, whatever.
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But rejection sensitivity is not a chronic sentence.
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Once you know that you are dealing with it, there are
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absolutely steps to and including therapy, journaling,
19:16
work, booking, that kind of thing to help break those
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spirals. But yeah, it takes a ton of
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work. It takes a ton of time.
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It can feel daunting. But the more I think that you
19:26
practice those self advocacy and asking for what you want
19:28
moments, the more you're able to say, hey, actually this is a
19:32
friend that I've known and loved for years and years.
19:34
I don't think that they're gonna end our friendship over a rogue
19:37
period instead of an exclamation point.
19:39
So maybe I can thank that part of my brain worrying about me
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and wanting to protect me. But we're safe, we're OK and we
19:46
can move on with our day. And and that was one of the most
19:49
powerful changes that I made was just saying, hey, thanks.
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I appreciate you trying to watch out for me, but I have to do
19:54
some work now. So we're going to work.
19:56
Hey, I have a secret I'm finally ready to talk about.
20:00
I've never really been a vibes girl.
20:02
I know. Shocking coming from the King
20:04
consultant. But that's changing.
20:06
I'm teaming up with my friends at Babe Land for an 8 week self
20:09
pleasure journey. Every Friday I'm trying a new
20:12
toy and sharing what I learned about my body, my pleasure, and
20:15
what actually feels good. If you want to follow along,
20:18
check out my Friday Vibe series on Instagram and Substack.
20:21
And while you're here, check the show notes for my most recent
20:24
review. Keep on kinking on so caring and
20:29
life to be that way with yourself.
20:30
I mean you have. To be you have to be
20:32
compassionate, because who else is going to be right?
20:35
Maybe you're lucky. Maybe you have a caring partner.
20:37
Maybe you have somebody who really understands ADHD, but
20:40
they don't know what it's like in your head.
20:41
And if you can't grant yourself kindness, if you can't grant
20:44
yourself forgiveness, you are immediately setting yourself up
20:47
for so much despair and rejection and unkindness.
20:53
You don't even have to like yourself.
20:54
That's the thing. What does RuPaul say if you
20:56
can't love yourself? I think that's bullshit.
20:58
I don't like that as a statement.
20:59
I don't like it because I think sometimes it can be hard to love
21:01
yourself. It can be hard to like yourself,
21:03
especially if you are a person who gets easily frustrated with
21:05
ADHD or just your brain in general.
21:07
But what you can do is you can be kind to yourself.
21:10
That's different. You don't have to like yourself
21:12
to be kind to yourself. It's.
21:13
A good bar, yeah. The kindest thing.
21:15
Thank you for so much of that, because I.
21:18
I feel like all of my answers are really long and I'm really
21:21
sorry, I just have a lot to say. Apologize, but it's also really
21:24
relatable to kink the way you describe.
21:26
Accepting that rejection sensitivity and having gratitude
21:28
for it is how I tell people to start using safe words when I
21:31
hear again. Like they don't want a safe word
21:33
out. Then just have an hour long
21:35
session where all you're doing is practicing saying yellow and
21:37
have a quick repair and then moving back into it.
21:40
So it's not a boogeyman, Yeah. Yeah, one hundred, 100%.
21:44
Like, I honestly think this is, I'm going to get canceled the
21:47
Internet for saying this out loud.
21:48
But the reason why I think I love what I do so much is
21:52
because con conversations around neurodivergency and
21:55
communication are exactly the same as they are for like kink
21:59
and communication. Because I go all over the world,
22:01
right? I travel all over the world, all
22:03
over the country doing like workshops and speaking gigs and
22:06
teaching about intimacy and communication and that kind of
22:08
stuff. And there are a couple of
22:09
workshops that I teach that genuinely the only thing I have
22:12
to do is I go, OK, is this a king convention, a more
22:15
nonspecific ADHD gaming convention, and I say kink or I
22:19
say neurodivergence. And that's the difference.
22:21
The script remains the same, and it's because it's the same
22:25
stuff. We're dealing with the same
22:26
stuff and the same issues, and people always relate.
22:29
I always feel like I'm going to get in trouble for saying that
22:30
out loud, but it's so funny and it's so true.
22:33
I almost feel like I have learned coping mechanisms that I
22:36
didn't know I had, and then I'm teaching them to other people
22:39
because it's kink related. It's coded.
22:41
I'm like, Oh yeah, saying yellow or red is hard, but it doesn't
22:45
kill you, in fact, saves you. Right.
22:47
Yeah, like. Green, yellow, red, you know
22:49
what that is? That is internalized mechanism
22:52
for avoiding meltdown. That is a check in moment for
22:55
avoiding over stimulation and not passing your comfort
22:59
threshold. And so much of conversation
23:02
around kink you can apply to neurodivergence and vice versa.
23:06
Fundamentally, when you break it down into its core component,
23:09
what is kink, It is controlling sensation, it is controlling
23:13
structure and it is externalizing communication and
23:17
feedback into something that is very clear cut and dry.
23:22
And so if if you are neurodivergent, that's going to
23:24
be a pretty good fit for you. You would get to control the
23:27
stimulus and your environment. You get to control the way that
23:30
you are interacting with people. There is a clear cut and dry
23:34
standard of behavior and rules, maybe even that you're
23:37
following. And you get to just be direct
23:39
and to the point. And you are saying the quiet
23:41
part out loud. It's perfect for neurodivergent.
23:44
The stage is set for you to act that way.
23:46
And you are set up for success. You are set up for success
23:49
across the board, even like aftercare.
23:51
Again, aftercare is another core component we're emotionally
23:54
regulating. We're making sure that we're not
23:56
hitting our over stimulation threshold.
23:58
I'll die on the hill, but kink is like one of the most powerful
24:00
tools for neurodivergent people. Like you don't even have to be
24:03
kinky. That's the thing.
24:04
You don't have to want to do any of the kinky stuff.
24:06
You have to want to get tied up or you don't have to get
24:08
blindfolded or spanked or whatever.
24:09
But the way that the kink community facilitates
24:14
conversation and communication and consent is such a beautiful
24:19
road map and template for neurodivergent people.
24:23
Like, you can take that stuff and you can be like, hey, this
24:25
is how I'm going to talk to my boss.
24:26
This is how I'm going to communicate my needs at work.
24:29
It is applicable in every direction and every part of your
24:32
life. And I think that's cool.
24:33
I agree completely. I think that I have
24:35
conversations with my family, sometimes families butt heads.
24:38
I have learned better communication by communicating
24:41
like a kingster and saying exactly when you did this.
24:43
I felt this way and for some reason that framework is so easy
24:46
to follow in kink, at least for me.
24:47
Where is it things where it's emotionally fraught or deeper
24:50
relationships outside of kink, longer term friendships, it can
24:54
be difficult because the rejection sensitivity like oh,
24:56
if I bring my true self to this, whereas in the kink world, I
24:59
don't know, it's just always felt right.
25:00
Yeah. Speaking of yes, when did you
25:02
know you? Were kinky younger than I want
25:04
to comfortably put on the Internet.
25:07
Live because I would fetish and I've had a spanky.
25:09
Yeah, I would. I would say about one of my
25:12
really early kinky memories is I think I was probably 6 or 7 and
25:16
I was watching Meet Me in Saint Louis at my grandparents house.
25:19
And there's that scene where Judy Garland is getting laced
25:21
into the corset. And I was like, oh, I feel some
25:24
kind of way. I didn't know what a course it
25:25
was, but I saw that. And I was like, I want that.
25:28
I want to experience that. And I remember getting older as
25:31
a little kid and wanting the experience of wearing a corset.
25:34
And I started doing theater and started as a teenager.
25:36
I was in a show where I got to wear a corset for the first
25:39
time. And oh, my God, like, my dream
25:41
is finally coming true. I'm finally getting to do this
25:44
thing that I've wanted to do. And I felt so fucking powerful.
25:47
I was unstoppable. But yeah, I feel it's.
25:49
Happening I. Think, yeah, I was like, it's
25:51
happening. I love corsets, lingerie as a
25:54
whole, That sensory experience of being both constricted I
25:57
guess, built comfortably. I think that is so goddamn sexy.
26:00
Was it as good as you imagined? I don't know if it was as good
26:03
as I would have imagined because I was like an awkward underage
26:06
teenager getting laced new, of course, about a really
26:08
unfortunate mean costume lady who hated my guts.
26:12
But I at least got my goals. And then when I was older and I
26:15
was able to shop for my own and it was a little bit better.
26:17
But yeah, a lot of my fantasies involved elaborate costuming.
26:21
And so I don't know if that's an ADHD thing just so much it's
26:23
like a fucking nerd thing, but here we are.
26:25
I might be a nerd, but I don't identify as a nerd because I'm
26:27
not a gamer. However, I will tell you, when I
26:30
was a kid I was. When I get older and have all my
26:32
own money, I'm going to buy a room full of costumes.
26:35
Props to me, I do have a room full of costumes, they just
26:38
weren't what I was expecting them.
26:40
Yeah, you know what? Yeah, I actually have both.
26:42
I have the room full of costumes and I have the room full of
26:44
costumes, which are two different categories.
26:47
Yeah, I just have one room of costumes and it started when I
26:49
was a professional dominatrix and that's where the collection
26:51
started. Oh my God.
26:52
I also was a pro Dom and when I was in grad school that was how
26:55
I paid a lot of my grad school bills.
26:56
I don't know if I would do it now, but when I was doing it, it
26:59
was great and I really enjoyed it.
27:01
And it was before I knew I was neurodivergent.
27:03
It helped me shape my understanding of why people come
27:07
to kink and how they come to kink and how they show up and
27:09
how so much of kink is just based on need, like a need to be
27:14
seen and validated and appreciated and so a lot of Dom
27:18
energy. I don't step into it very often,
27:20
but I think sometimes she shows up in my content.
27:23
I want to meet people with that energy because I'm really good
27:26
at that energy and I really enjoy being in that energy.
27:29
But I don't know if Katiosaurus, the proton, is something that's
27:32
necessarily feasible. It's.
27:33
Funny how you're basically describing Katiosaurus, the
27:36
proton integrated into the you now.
27:38
Like, let that go, this other cool part of you that gets to
27:41
come through your contents. Every so often I'm like a kink
27:44
convention all better out. I would make a much better Dom
27:47
now in my mid 30s than I did in my mid 20s.
27:49
Oh yeah, when I'm like 50, I'm just going back.
27:52
We're bringing a all right, everybody.
27:54
I've done everything else I wanted to do.
27:55
We're going back to it because I'm like, I understand a lot
27:57
more now than I did when I was doing it so.
28:00
I say this in the first few episodes of my podcast.
28:02
I talk all about it. Back then what I did was I just
28:04
did the job I do now. Honestly, I people I dug into
28:08
why they felt shame, how they might feel less shame, how they
28:10
could possibly bring it up with their partner all the way now.
28:13
Same. There's a couple of regulars who
28:15
would come to me, who had the most, and I don't say this
28:17
judgmentally, but small, tiny ask.
28:20
Then they would come to me and the gratitude that I would
28:23
experience. There's one guy, he wanted me to
28:25
paint his nails. OK, great.
28:26
And I would go over and we hang out, we watch Star Trek and I
28:29
would paint his nails and he was the most grateful.
28:32
And he was like, I could never ask my girlfriend.
28:33
I would be so embarrassed. I think I learned a lot about
28:36
how being seen and communicating in relationships is so important
28:41
to understanding the person. It's.
28:43
Hard though, right? It's not actually hard to do.
28:46
It's hard to get past the preconceived notion.
28:48
Like that person definitely believed they would be left if
28:51
their girlfriend thought they like which painted.
28:53
That rejection sensitivity, you know, like, like it is like, by
28:57
definition that is what that was, that fear.
29:01
And I don't know if he was actually living with rejection
29:03
sensitivity as the community collectively talks about it, but
29:05
there was a fear of rejection. There was a fear of, I can't
29:08
possibly bring up wanting to wear green nail Polish once a
29:10
week to my girlfriend. Like, what would she think of
29:12
me? That is my mission in life is
29:14
giving people permission to just ask for the goddamn thing that
29:17
they want because yeah, it just floors me how many people are in
29:21
long term 10, 1520 year relationships and they can't
29:25
have conversations about sex with their partner.
29:27
They can't ask for what they want with their partner.
29:28
And then I was like, I get it. I fundamentally get it on a
29:31
level of somebody who has absolutely been there.
29:34
And I remember being afraid and I remember the headspace.
29:37
There's also part of me that is just like, guys, we got to do
29:39
better, man. We got to do better.
29:41
I did build my business on that exact model.
29:43
Let me just bring two people together and be like, look, no
29:46
one's leaving. We're here to talk about it,
29:48
let's get to it. And one of my favorite things to
29:50
normalize it, Think about the weird you and your partner do as
29:54
a couple that you would never tell the outside world.
29:57
Yeah, kink is actually no different.
29:59
More times than not, it's fear of what society would think
30:01
stops people from opening up. But if you were to put cameras
30:04
in your house, there's a lot of weird shit you're all doing in
30:06
your house. Oh.
30:06
Yeah. Like, do you sing to your dog?
30:08
It's the same thing. Yes.
30:10
Sing me the song that you sing to your dog.
30:12
No, you don't want to do that. Cool.
30:13
Yeah. That's fine.
30:14
And it's just like, I think normalizing it in ways like that
30:17
is really important because people are like, oh, you're
30:19
right. I wouldn't let someone see that
30:21
I clip my toenails while watching TV because no, you do
30:23
that in the bathroom. I just like to make it a real
30:25
world random thing where OK people might judge but it's not
30:28
a relationship ending situation. That's suppose like you're
30:31
supposed to clip your toenails in the bathroom, you're supposed
30:35
to match your socks, you're supposed to fold your laundry to
30:37
bring it all the way back around.
30:38
I think that's one of the reasons why I like educating
30:41
about ADHD, because there are so many supposed to's that we get
30:45
fed. Put your keys on a hook by the
30:48
door. Match your socks when you take
30:49
them out of the dryer. If eating breakfast, lunch, and
30:52
dinner doesn't work for you, and eating a bunch of tiny meals
30:55
throughout the day works for you, at least you're feeding
30:57
yourself. At least you're keeping your
30:59
socks clean. I throw all my socks in a bin,
31:02
unmatched. I don't match my socks, sue me.
31:04
Right, but that's the same way I feel about kink.
31:06
You can learn the skill of rejecting the supposed to or the
31:10
just. Why don't you just match your
31:12
socks? Why don't you just fold your
31:14
laundry? Just keep a planner if you can.
31:16
Use your rejection sensitivity to reject that.
31:19
Supposed to change your life maybe.
31:21
Go get spanked, go get tied up, go get blindfolded.
31:24
It's good for you. Thank you so much, Kate.
31:27
That was beautiful. Absolutely, thanks for having
31:29
me. If you enjoyed this episode,
31:32
don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with
31:35
anyone who might find it interesting.
31:37
And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
31:40
future episodes, feel free to reach out e-mail
31:42
info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on Kinkin
31:47
on.