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The Benefits of Normalizing Not Drinking at Friend Gatherings · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:02
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship
• 0:58
  Alex Alexander: We just hosted a party this last weekend, and as I was standing there looking around the room, I was realizing like, wow, I think there might be more people here who don't drink or aren't drinking tonight than there are people who are drinking. And honestly, something I could say about my friends is, I think our Hangouts have gotten more creative, more fun. Everything's a little more unique and different because we're not relying on the same old script of, Hey, you want to grab drinks or like, come over and bring a six pack. But what I will say is that it took a while to figure out how to navigate this, how to make it so normalized. And it's not necessarily just like accommodating people who don't drink for one reason or another, maybe they are in recovery.
• 1:50
  Alex Alexander: Maybe they don't like to be around people who are really intoxicated, because it's linked to some sort of childhood trauma, like they had somebody in their family that drank in excess. Sorry, I'm laughing about that because that hits deep to me. That's where the laugh came from. For anybody who's listening, maybe it is for a health reason. I've never been a big drinker. You can ask my closest friends, even in college, I was kind of the one who always, you know, like, maybe I'd have a drink here and there, but I just definitely wasn't that interested. It made me feel terrible. Now I know why. Because my health issues, my chronic health issues, are exacerbated by alcohol, and so at this point, I don't drink at all. I haven't drank a single drink, and, gosh, a year and a half, two years, I kind of lost count of when I stopped drinking. Yeah, probably about a year and a half. But for me, it's like I'm taking nine rounds of medicine a day. Guys, there's anything else I can do to help me on my healing journey. If that means no alcohol, then it's not even a question. And I feel lucky in a sense that so many of my friend group dynamics. One, don't entirely revolve around alcohol anymore. And two, it's not even about accommodation.
• 3:11
  Alex Alexander: That's what I was starting to say. It's about true inclusion.
• 3:15
  Alex Alexander: It's about just accepting someone for however they're feeling that day. Because I have a very clear moment even from this party this past weekend, some of our friends appeared, and one of them was riding solo, solo parenting that night their partner had another commitment.
• 3:36
  Alex Alexander: I was like, Hey, can I get you something to drink? You know?
• 3:40
  Alex Alexander: And I just walked over to our beverage fridge, which is stocked with all sorts of non-alcoholic beverages, like sparkling water, you know, Spindrift. I mean, there's some alcoholic drinks in there as well, but there's also, like, na beer, na cocktails, and I just opened it up, and was like, whatever you want. And without thinking twice, he grabbed an NA beer because he's so low parenting tonight, and he's just like, I don't need the added stress of alcohol. And he just moves on with his day and walks out into the party. I doubt anybody commented on it. I don't know, because I wasn't with him the whole time, but knowing kind of the shift that's been in our friend group, I would think people just immediately like, Oh, yep, he's here with his kids tonight. Moving on. So what I want to talk about today's episode is kind of how we got here, how you might start to have these conversations with your friend, and even if maybe the group of friends you're with never gets to the point that I just talked about you as a friend, how do you interact with your friends who are either not drinking right now, not drinking at all in recovery, or wherever.
• 4:58
  Alex Alexander: On the spectrum of interacting with alcohol somebody is because I think often it's kind of like, oh, you know, there can be this idea of you have a problem with alcohol or you don't. It's not black and white like that. There is an entire spectrum. Now, the way that you figure that out is by having a conversation. You know, I love to tell you to have a conversation, and the conversation is just kind of trying to understand what somebody's boundaries are with alcohol, right? Because, as I just said, not all non-drinkers are the same. Somebody could be in recovery. Somebody could be like me and have health issues.
• 5:40
  Alex Alexander: It could just be somebody's preference, maybe they've never been interested in alcohol. So some key questions to ask your friend, we're not asking for them to have a therapy session.
• 5:52
  Alex Alexander: We're not trying to make this a big deal. We're just trying to have a very simple conversation, even with a newer friend, to understand their boundaries with alcohol. Some key questions to ask are, is it okay to go to a venue that centers around alcohol, right, like a bar? What about a venue that just serves alcohol? Some people may not want to be around alcohol at all. Maybe part of their recovery journey, right? Another layer is to ask like, how do you feel about other people drinking? Does it bother you if people get drunk, if people are really intoxicated, is that triggering for you? Are you uncomfortable if somebody offers you alcohol. If somebody says to you, Hey, can I get you a glass of wine? Does that make you squirm? Is that an issue on your journey of recovery? And then, what if somebody pressures you to drink? How do you feel about that? How do you handle that?
• 6:50
  Alex Alexander: And the reasons you're asking these questions is because, as their friend, then if they say, Yeah, I just really don't want to go to a bar to hang out. You don't suggest going to a bar to hang out, right? Personally, I don't really care. Like I'll go to a bar and I'll just drink water or soda water with lime.
• 7:11
  Alex Alexander: But everybody is different. You can't just assume, if you're friends with me and you hear that, that somebody else you meet who isn't drinking feels the same way, right? Somebody might be really triggered by people who are really intoxicated. Maybe that would be as a friend a time where, if you are at a party with this person and you see people really hitting that stage, you're like, Hey, should we head out? You know, maybe we go grab some, like, late night food on our way home. If somebody's uncomfortable with being offered alcohol, then maybe this is the spot where you're always kind of trying to help them out of like, Hey, I am gonna go up and grab a drink. Do you want me to grab you a soda? Right? You just offer it off the bat. You don't even let somebody else swoop in.
• 8:03
  Alex Alexander: And if the pressure piece is a problem, if they really get triggered or upset, if somebody pressures them, then this would be a great time to, you know, kind of be their second voice when they say, No, thank you.
• 8:20
  Alex Alexander: And somebody's like, come on.
• 8:20
  Alex Alexander: You know, you want a drink.
• 8:24
  Alex Alexander: You're like, Hey, man, they said, No, move on. Now, it's not all on you, but as a friend, alcohol can be for a multitude of reasons, really triggering, and I think it's just a kindness that you are doing to your friend, right? You're making them feel seen. I know it can feel kind of intimate and vulnerable to ask some of these questions, I would try and ask them in like, a very neutral way. You're not expecting one response or another. You don't care. You just are looking for information, right? And then the other component of that is realizing that, like, you're building emotional intimacy roots with someone by finding out this information about them and maybe sharing about yourself. And then when you go to the party, and you act in ways that support them in this right, when you back them up, when somebody peer pressures them, and you tell that other person to knock it off, that is a way that you're building a story root. And if you've never listened to my work before, my episodes before, I'm talking about my roots of friendship framework, you can go listen to that in episode 12, but by making someone feel so seen and supporting them in their decision to not drink, when you tell somebody who's pressuring them like, Hey, knock it off.
• 9:49
  Alex Alexander: Your friend inside thinks like, wow, they really support me in my choices. That right there when. I said that you support them in your choices, that's a story root, that is a belief they now have about your friendship, or at least they're well on their way to it. Now, as I mentioned at the very beginning of the episode, I do think that this decentering alcohol from our Hangouts has made it more fun, more creative.
• 10:17
  Alex Alexander: There are so many other activity options out there, and I'm not even going to touch the surface of this, like, if I really sat down and spent the time, I could write pages and pages and pages of ideas, right? But some things that come to mind are like going to a workout class together, going on a walk, going for a drive. You know, we don't do that enough as adults. Maybe you do, but I don't. I used to love as like a high schooler, just like getting the car and playing some music. And I know that sounds silly, but sure, you could go sit at a restaurant and have a drink, or you could just go on a little drive, pick a nice viewpoint, hang out with your friend, 10 minutes out, 10 minutes back, an hour out, an hour back, doesn't matter. You could go run errands together. That's the opposite of my just whimsical driving. But you could go run errands together. You could have a craft night. You could go camping, hiking, go to a museum, have a game night at your house or watch sports at home, where it is easier to control what is available to people what is not available to people who's invited. The point here being there are endless options that don't center alcohol, and as you start to decenter it right, it becomes more about how like drinking at one point, when I was much, much younger, like a decade plus ago, so much of hanging out was about drinking, but I don't really want that anymore. Drinking is not the point, right? The connection is the point. And there are so many other ways to connect. Now, if you go to suggest some of these options, and you're like, man, okay, going from partying on a Saturday night to suggesting going to a museum seems like a big pivot. Alex, what I want to remind you is this, the ways that you are comfortable hanging out together, like the things you do that's one component of your shared experience, roots, and it is uncomfortable sometimes to build new roots, because you're suggesting new things, right? Like, it's a little weird maybe to go to a museum together and wander around. Like, do you even know anything about art? What are we going to talk about? These might be some of the questions that go through your head, being a little vulnerable and suggesting a new way to hang out that is building another shared experience route with someone, and what that means is is that the more shared experience roots you have, the more connection points, the more ways you're comfortable spending time together. That makes your friendship more resilient, because if your friend no longer wants to go to the bar if they injure themselves, and they can't go hiking or on a walk, you have more options of ways you can hang out comfortably. It is easy to pivot and change. So if you're somebody who's out there and you want you know those like more active present friendships, I know it feels a little vulnerable to suggest a new way to hang out, but it does have, like, a long term impact on your friendship that leads towards that more active present, like easy to spend time together, friendship that you might be craving. Now, another thing that I would suggest, if we're trying to decenter alcohol in our Hangouts, is thinking about what happens when you host. You know, I mentioned having people over to your house for a game night or for watching football, something that I have done in our home and a lot of our friends have done, is we have made non-alcoholic feel equal, which is kind of what I mentioned in the beginning with my friend grabbing a non-alcoholic beer. But it even goes to like when somebody comes to my house and I'm offering them things to drink for, I don't know, a dinner party, I will say to someone like, Can I get you anything to drink?
• 15:31
  Alex Alexander: Water, sparkling water, Spindrift, soda, beer, wine, and I will list them all out as if they are all equal options. And notice that I actually put the non-alcoholic options first, because I want somebody who maybe does have a beer here or there. Does love a glass of wine after work, but tonight, they are here and they don't really want to drink. I want them to feel like it is totally okay to make their own decision. I never want somebody to opt out of a hangout with me. Because they think to themselves, like, I don't want to drink tonight, right? We all know how that goes. Maybe you've had a bunch of work functions lately, and there's been a few drinks that have gone at each one of those, and you're like, gosh, this is like the sixth night in a row where I've had a glass of wine and I just don't really want to drink. But you feel like, if you go to that dinner party or that thing that you kind of have to drink and you don't want to go because of that. I don't want anyone to ever feel that way at my house. Ever. I don't ever want alcohol to be the reason you feel like you can't come over. So that's why I offer all those options to everybody anytime, so that they know that I'm not going to think twice if they choose a sparkling water over a beer. I don't care.
• 16:56
  Alex Alexander: Another thing that I do, and this is partially because I can't drink anything at the moment, is I do love a fun option. Sometimes I get a little bored of drinking water. Okay, so some other friends who don't drink, they will bring over some non-alcoholic beers. I don't really buy many of those, but they get left at my house. So there is honestly quite an assortment at all times in our fridge for anybody who wants one. I do buy some fake cocktails, some mocktails, right? I like, like, a phony Negroni, a Gosh, a parch Margarita. There's a couple good ones that I like, and I like to have those in the fridge for me, but then I'm always to anybody else, like, Hey, would you like one of these? Right? I like to keep around some, like, fun sparkling flavors, some bitter soda na options. I mean, heck, you could offer someone like an electrolyte mix, you know, or just like a squeeze of lime, a little orange slice in your water. It's a small delight when you're just drinking water all the time. Something else our group has done, and this is partially because so many people don't drink, is we've kind of turned, like taste testing non-alcoholic options into a group activity. It's very common for somebody to see a new NA option somewhere and just maybe pick even one up, just one like, we don't know if we're gonna like it yet. So we don't really want to buy a 2, 4, 6 pack and bring it to anything and open it up and, you know, pour, split it out into 4, 6, 8 tastings, whoever wants to taste it, and let everybody taste test the NA option. And then, if we like it, maybe somebody brings it to another function down the road.
• 18:44
  Alex Alexander: The whole point of this being that we have, just like, created space for anyone to choose the non-alcoholic option for any reason, any night. So if you're standing here and you're like,"Alex, this sounds great, but alcohol is such a central part of my friend hangouts, it's really what we do. I want to tell you that it is an evolution. It does take time." You know, when I was much, much younger in college, I was always the one that was kind of like drinking just has never worked with my body, to be quite honest with you. And so I knew that, and I would generally opt out a lot of the time, or just drink like one drink over the course of a very, very, very long night. So I remember very vividly being like peer pressured and having to really stand up for myself. It would have been so nice to have somebody who stood up for me, but we were all, you know, young and 22 so I don't fault my friends for not standing up for me at that point, but I definitely stood up for myself, you know, and I have some vivid memories of like, demanding that I was allowed to play drinking games with water because I wanted to be included, and really kind of leading this campaign with my friends, of like, okay, well, Do you not want me to come? Because that, I guess, is another option, like it doesn't feel fair that I can't partake in the activity just because I'm not gonna chug a beer all night. So if that's you really starting to kind of question and poke holes with your friends. Now you might get answers you don't like you might get pushback, but I would keep pushing. You know, this can be such kind of an ingrained thing, it can take a little bit of time. Now, if people are just like, double down, if it doesn't feel okay, maybe this is a sign that it is time to put your focus on adding other friends to your life, is what I'm trying to say here. But I'm also saying that your friends might take a little bit of time, so if the very first time you do this, they push back. It's probably less about you and more just about the fact that this is so this is normally something that most people aren't really even thinking about. It's.
• 21:04
  Alex Alexander: Normalized. It's so ingrained, and it takes a little while for a culture to shift, and that's what you're doing, is you're shifting the friend group culture, one drinking game played with water at a time, you know? And then over time, I think as it became more normalized, as like more friends kind of started questioning whether they wanted to drink all the time. It became a thing where, like, let's say somebody was making a signature cocktail. There was always a mocktail available. Let's say somebody came over and they brought na beer. Nobody thought twice about it. Everybody was like, great. Love that for you.
• 21:42
  Alex Alexander: Some people were like, hey, actually, can I have one of those? Like all in all, if you want this evolution, maybe it's time to go find new friends. But I would also suggest just trying to take a stand, trying something new, trying to point out the fact that people might not be connecting, or not be hanging out because of alcohol, not because of the group, because they just don't want to drink tonight. They might not be partaking because they don't want to keep doing these same activities that center around alcohol. And that's kind of a call to you and your friends to get more creative and try some new things at the end of the day. My hope of this episode is that if you are somebody who is out here, navigating hangouts when you want to drink less, when you don't drink at all, when alcohol is a trigger for you, when you are in recovery, it is okay to talk to your friends about it. It's okay to set boundaries and to get really clear on very specific things that are not okay for you, and if you are that friend, one of the easiest things you can do is just try and make na feel very equal in a world where alcohol is very centered. I hope that you, too can create a space where anyone can choose an NA option for any reason, any night with that, I'll see you next week.
• 23:12
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.