Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Building Boundaries & Balanced Living with Coach Kay: Bringing Intimacy Back & Self-Care for Women

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Building Boundaries & Balanced Living with Coach Kay: Bringing Intimacy Back & Self-Care for Women · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

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It was naturally in me, which I think honestly is naturally in
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everyone. I am just OK with blocking the
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system. I'm OK with whatever, whatever
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was told. Like, do you want to others if
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you have them do unto you? I don't want to.
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I want to treat people the way I see that they want to be treated
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because I'm going to present myself and walk how I know I
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deserve to be treated. So I expect that from others.
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Hello and welcome back to The Field Podcast Today.
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I'm your host, Melissa, correct? You are correct if you're
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watching me on YouTube, no glasses here, which means I am
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blurry eyed and thrilled to be here with my friend Coach K
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Today Coach K and I met actually I got to be with her first on
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her show and we'll talk more about that as we go through.
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She's going to get to share that at the end.
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I can't talk either, apparently when I can't see or I can't
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talk. We're heading for a fun show
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today, but Coach K is a seasoned veteran at this.
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She knows how to do this. So I'm in good hands with her as
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a guest. Like I said, you and I had a
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great conversation and I knew I wanted to have her come over on
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on my side of things and get to role reversal with her and have
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her as my guest. She's going to have so much to
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share with us today. She and our missions are very In
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Sync, but we have our own ways of doing it and which is what I
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love because you need as many women as possible in this
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conversation. We all have a role to play.
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There's all of you out here have different people you're going to
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connect with. And I really see it as our job
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to bring you as many women as possible so you can find that
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person that connects with you on this journey of feel, finding
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empowerment, embracing layers. So we're going to get into this
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conversation with Coach K today. She describes herself as laid
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back, funny. She's a serial entrepreneur your
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and and she has many roles in her life along with that that
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she feels as partner in a mom. So all the things are in play
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here for her. And so I think humor is a good
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piece to have in that you got to have sometimes you got to laugh,
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otherwise you might cry. So it's good to coach K.
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Welcome to the Field podcast. So thank you.
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Thank you so much. I'm super excited to be a part
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of this. I'm super excited to have you
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here. Well, let's get right into it,
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all right? Talk to me about prioritizing
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self-care in your life and what that looks like for you.
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We've already talked about you got a lot of hats and roles and
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all those things that are happening here.
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So talk to me about your journey with self-care.
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Absolutely. Having five children and a
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husband, so kind of 6:00-ish children to.
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Have. For sure to have at least yes,
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it can become extremely easy to get further and further down the
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children pole. But I think that I learned
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pretty early on that if I don't want to become an ostrich and
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just bury my head in the sand and come up the air and see that
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the sky is falling, that I have to just sit back and watch it
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all unfold and decide where I fit in.
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So for me, when it comes to self-care, it's recognizing
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where my body is, getting to a place where it will shut down.
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And before that happens, I will sit, I will get on my iPad, I
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will play Monopoly, go for hours.
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And then when I run out of Shields to play dice, I switch
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over to fish them. And I just, I played those while
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one of the cooking shows is on TV.
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And so keeping multiple stimulants going that are not
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that don't make me fake right? Mindless activities are big for
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me when it comes to self-care. I don't need to go anywhere, get
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anything done. I I can I create my peace inside
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wherever I am? I love that.
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That's a great tip because I think sometimes we have, we
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think I've got to spend all this time or this money.
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No, no, no, no. You can learn how to create
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peace right where you are, I think and especially when you're
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a busy partner, mom, entrepreneur, you got a lot of
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things going on that when you can keep it simple, means it
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won't get kicked off your calendar.
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Also, there's, you know, it's room for it, it's accommodating.
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You're not stressed about the self-care you're trying to
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create for. Yourself right and and that
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becomes so easy to do is like OK myself care Sunday is coming up.
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Did I make the appointment? Well I actually have to go out
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of the house. I think it's going to rain.
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Who's going to do this? Nope.
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Just sit in peace and and decide where I want to be.
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Yeah. Exactly, exactly, so good.
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Thank you so much for that. All right, and this goes nicely
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with confidently setting boundaries.
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You've created some boundaries around your time of I will do
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this. I also not going to over ask of
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myself in creating this space. I'm going to keep it simple and
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accessible for me so that I know that I can jump into it without
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about, you know, violating another boundary of more time,
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more stress, you know, doing things I don't want to do to get
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to what I want to do. I'm going to keep it really
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simple and build this space for myself.
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Oh yeah, competently setting your own boundaries is so
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important. And the, the first one that I
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really said was with me and my children, and I'm talking about
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as young as two to three years old.
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You know, I've, I've, I've been fortunate never to experience
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the whole kids just kind of walking in the room when the
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doors close because I understand pretty early on, Hey, if a door
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is closed, you're not. And being able to set that up at
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2 and three years old, as they get older, other boundaries are
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super easy. Like if I bring anything into
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the household, especially candy or ice cream, everyone, everyone
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in this house knows ask before touching.
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Because if mom gets to that place where she did not regulate
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her anxiety and it is it is flared, everyone's gonna catch
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it. Yes, so true.
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So that's a, you know, being able to set that my children and
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my husband, my business, they all know that I come first.
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That is my, my biggest boundary is I don't care what's going on.
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You know, it's easy to say, you know, death changes things.
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If someone passed in the family. Well, hey, if I'm at an anxiety
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state, that's not, don't bring it into my space right now.
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My boundary is when when I am inside of this comfort place
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that I need to be, just leave me alone.
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Yeah, that's just yeah. And, and I'm OK with.
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And I think all the people in my environment, they understand it
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because I'm one of those you either you follow along or you
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fall off. And I'm cool either way.
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I love that you you communication is kind and this
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has come up before in these conversations.
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You can set all the beautiful boundaries in your brain that
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you want to, but if you don't communicate them or release the
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fear that comes around because we as women and girls get a lot
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of narratives about what's OK and not OK very young.
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And we have to dismantle some of those things as we get older and
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look back. I'm like, you know what?
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The way the generations before me operated, that didn't seem to
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work out so well for them. And so, you know, so I think I,
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so I, you know, I'm moving forward.
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I'm not going to carry those narratives with me.
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I'm going to communicate and you set the expectation and we'll
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get to expectations down the road That's they're all tied
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together. You set the expectation, you
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communicated it. And you're absolutely right.
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No one wins when we are at up here and, and trying to operate
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from up here. Nobody wins.
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There is the collateral damage is a domino effect.
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And so he's like, and I love that little thing where you
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know, when kids are old enough to understand knock on the door.
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It's, you know, it just knock on the door.
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And if you don't knock on the door, then you get what you get.
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You know, whatever's going to happen and whatever you walk
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into, but knock on the door and and and when the when the you
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know, the things that come into the house, the candy, the ice
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cream, make sure you ask, make, you know, don't just go in and
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grab, you know, get knock on the door.
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I mean, it's just like setting that simple and communicating
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that everyone's on the same page.
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There's no misunderstanding and it's I think you clear as kind.
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So thank you so much for sharing that.
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I think that when did you realize that was necessary?
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Was there a like a point in life you're like, I'm not doing this,
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I got to do this? Or was that a natural thing for
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you to fall into? It it was naturally in me, which
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I think honestly is naturally in everyone.
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I am just OK with bucking the system.
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I'm OK with whatever, whatever was told.
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Like, do you want to others if you have them do unto you?
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I don't want to. I want to treat people the way I
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see that they want to be treated because I'm going to present
9:49
myself and walk how I know I deserve to be treated.
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So I expect that from others. So it was naturally in me.
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But when I realized, hey, I need to actually live it.
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Sure. When I I think it was around kid
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number three, yeah. When you it was no longer man to
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man defense, you go to zones. Exactly.
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And then by the time kid #3 came around, like marriage came
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around. So I'm like, all right, it's
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time, but let's set it up so that we're we're I don't get
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overwhelmed because when I'm no good, everyone else, like you
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said, the domino effect, no one's any good.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, yeah, I think that's, I think
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you have that kind of have that moment when those things are
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coming or like, oh boy, this is not sustainable.
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So we're going to have to make some shifts here to make sure
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that I'm good for the long haul and everybody else around me
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too. Because again and you and again,
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it's not modeling, you know, modeling what you, what you, you
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know, they people remember what they see your words.
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If your words and actions aren't lining up, they're going to
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remember the actions and the words aren't going to be empty.
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So yeah, absolutely living that out.
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So important. You've talked about this
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already. I understand this so well.
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I myself, I have a good buddy called Anxiety that has lived
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with me as long as I can remember.
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And that for me, I, you know, it really came to that realization,
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you know, when I turned 50, it all kind of came crashing down
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because I wasn't dealing with all, I was living out of one
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primary emotional state and everything else was getting
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shoved aside. And whenever I was confronted
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with that, my husband would be like, I think you might have,
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you seem a little anxious. I'm not anxious.
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I'm not anxious. Now, the world's a scary place.
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We've got a lot going on. We've got jobs and kids and
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college and stuff and people and war.
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And I mean, obviously, like, I'm not anxious.
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And he's just like, so, but it kind of all came crashing down
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and it really made me stop. And I had to pay attention to
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the connection between my mental, emotional, physical,
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spiritual health. I had to pay attention to that.
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Talk to me about your journey with that and understanding that
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and kind of figuring out how to manage.
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That I saw and watch my mom try to go to all of the things, you
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know, she was that person that everyone knew her around town.
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If there was a cookout, she went, we were in tow.
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So we also got dragged around, but we got to go home with mom
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at in the evening and listen to well, I'm stressed out because I
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don't have this and who there's no one to call.
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There's no one to come to her rescue.
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And I was like, Oh my gosh, people and like that.
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I'm not going to live like that because I never want to
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experience that type of anxiety. And so when #1 a lot of us don't
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understand or even recognize that we have anxiety and, or we
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ignore it because there's such this big negative connotation
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around anxiety. That's a natural thing or
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emotion that's in our body. It's how we are able to move it
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around so that it doesn't get so big and out of control that
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everyone's looking at you like, oh, that, that that big old
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angry girl over there. There she goes again when when
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she's not angry, she's tired, she's frustrated.
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She might just be hungry like this little thing.
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And so for me, when I started to feel the same feeling over and
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over when put in specific situations, I had to pick up on
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the pattern, OK, I know what I'm faced with having to go to all
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of these things that I know I want to be at home.
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So I just started for almost 10 years, I only showed up to
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family events that I wanted to. And sometimes it was decided the
14:14
morning of, like me, my husband and I, my children, we pulled up
14:19
to a wedding. We parked the car in the parking
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lot and I looked at my husband. He looked at me.
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We had the look. I was like, yeah, we can go
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home. He was like, cool.
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We turned the car around and went back home.
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I love that. Not today.
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And it and, and I was and I felt I was OK with it.
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Yeah. And you know, by this time, you
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know, family, you know, they're gonna talk.
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Oh, she don't come to anything. And I just answered.
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You're absolutely right. I'm not gonna deny it.
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Like so now you have nothing to talk about 'cause I own it.
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Right, exactly. It's not the big mystery.
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It's not, Oh my gosh. You know, she's like, yeah,
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acknowledge it, own it, fine with it.
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Because you're not abandoning yourself.
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And I think when you're not abandoning yourself, you can be
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just fine. What everyone else around you
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swirling about is theirs and really more about them than you,
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because probably secretly they wish they could do that too.
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And they can is just being willing to make the decisions
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and have the conversations to make that shift and change how
15:30
they show up and and have, you know, and because when you make
15:34
those shifts, it's just like you're seeing, not everybody's
15:37
going to love it. They're going to chat about it.
15:38
They might be upset about it. And then you just being like,
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you know what? I know what it's like to abandon
15:44
myself. And I'm not going to do that
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anymore. I, I know what that looks like.
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And I will not, I will not dishonor myself or my or my
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family that way. Yeah.
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That's just what it is there. There are plenty of times when
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my husband showed up to the kids like track meets for a whole
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year he went by stuff and I was like, I just don't want to go.
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And he understands that's just who I am because I can go.
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And the whole time I'm just like thinking about 20,000 things
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that I could be doing at home, even though when I'm at home I'm
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not going to do them, what I'm going to think about them.
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Yeah, exactly. And you're not president in
16:20
anyway, right? You know, you know, it was
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spent. I was talking to Suzanne
16:26
Kohlberg about this and she she's been a guest on my
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podcast. I've been a guest on hers as
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well. And she talked about the fact
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her daughter, she lives in Australia.
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Her daughter plays, I think she plays Australian rules football
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or soccer or rugby. One of those things, I'm not
16:42
remembering the sport right now, but it's one of those things
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she's like, I can only really engage and be present for a, for
16:49
1/2 of that I am not. So I learned like rather than
16:53
going to the whole thing, I'll go to 1/2 and be really engaged
16:57
and be really supportive and I'm not going to feel guilty about
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it because I'm actually present there when I'm, you know, that
17:04
half. So I think figuring out what
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works for you, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be all
17:09
the things to everybody. And if it comes down to the
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habit, who am I doing this for if I'm not present, you know, am
17:17
I? And does it even feel supportive
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to my kid? You know, if I'm here as an
17:22
obligation? I mean, you know, really
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weighing those things and having those conversations and knowing
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that when I do show up, I'm present and I'm supportive and
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I'm honoring myself and honoring them.
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Yes, yeah, so good. Everything just showing up is
17:38
not enough. I love that.
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Yeah, yeah, because they sense it too, you know, I mean, you
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know, absolutely. OK, Talk to me about how we
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support ourselves and other women in living
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unapologetically. For me personally at this is
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where your work really shows up. I mean, this is, this is really
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you show up. You've learned how to show up
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for yourself and apologetically. Now you're providing
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conversations and resources to support others in doing so.
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Talk to me about how you got to that point of realizing like,
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wait a minute, not only is this working for me, I can help other
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women with this too. When when you become the the go
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to that everyone calls with the problem, right, And I'm not just
18:25
talking about the problem that they never won't solve.
18:31
You're, you're watching your friends and family put these
18:35
things and actions like, Oh my God, that see, see.
18:38
And so I recognize that, you know, I can do this for other
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women because there's somebody out there that's just waiting
18:45
for permission, permission to look in the mirror and said, you
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can say no to everyone else. Because when you do that, you
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say yes to you. And that is when I recognize
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that, you know, 1 or 1000, if I touch one other woman that
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recognizes that no to you is yes to me, then I've done my job
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because she is going to pass it along, whether it be to her
19:12
child or children or to another friend or family member.
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And that's where that community is built through.
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It starts at home, you know, practicing what you preach.
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And I actively, I try my hardest, but for the most part,
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I practice it all day long. And I know it's easier said than
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done. So it's more than just telling
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them, it's giving them the tools to do it.
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And I'm like super visual and there's a boot camp that I
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created. And one of the practices is how
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many layers of you are you actually working through?
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And so I love that that activity involves them putting on for
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every role that they play in their life.
20:02
Yeah. They have to put on either
20:04
another pair of another pair of pants or another shirt and for
20:09
two days they have to wear this. They even have to shower in it.
20:14
And then I oh, wow, yeah, 'cause it's like, what does that feel
20:17
like? Because we, we're visual.
20:20
We won't remember. I had to wear 25 shirts and get
20:24
it soaking wet. Is that really the heaviness
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that I walk around with every day?
20:28
Yes, yes it is. So true, so true.
20:36
I love that so much. That's so smart.
20:39
And that again, that gets our attention.
20:41
It's like, oh, because I won't. You know, when you do start
20:45
doing the work and you start unpacking the layers, which
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we're going to get to in a minute, when things get
20:51
processed and moved through and released, or you simply start
20:54
saying no or passing on a task to someone else who could
20:59
totally handle it, you feel audibly lighter.
21:03
Like physically lighter. I mean, when you take that off
21:07
and you don't even realize you were carrying it until you're
21:09
like, wait a minute, I feel 10 lbs lighter today.
21:14
And so giving that visual that sticks with you and then you've
21:18
got that metaphor. If you start doing it again or
21:21
falling into an old pattern, you're going back to that 24 wet
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shirts and you're like, uh, uh, Nope, Nope, we are not doing
21:29
that. I'd love that.
21:31
That's such a great visual. That's so smart.
21:33
Thank you so much for that. At what moment in time did you
21:36
decide to become this resource? Was there an epiphany moment, or
21:41
did this kind of organically just unfold over time?
21:46
I think it organically unfolded over time and then I was forced
21:51
to do it full time. So my background is human
21:55
resources. I've I've always loved I'm, I'm
21:57
third generation knows me. So I love to know all of the
22:02
business. Like I don't, I don't want to be
22:06
in the business, but I want to know the business.
22:09
So going into HRI was able to have, I'm a whopper.
22:13
Like I knew everyone's business. And when I worked in this call
22:18
center, we had a lot of young, young people working their 20s
22:22
and they were coming to the HR office, but it was really about
22:27
the job itself versus what was happening at home that was
22:31
causing them not to be able to do the job.
22:34
And so and talking to so many young women, especially and
22:38
young men, I'm like, Oh my gosh. OK.
22:43
So the the business I was kind of doing like as a side hustle
22:47
over there because like human resources clinical psychologist,
22:50
how does that mesh, right? Where does the bridge here?
22:59
And so I was fortunate enough in May 2020, I think it was May 5th
23:03
or May 7th. Never forget that date when
23:06
COVID really became rampant. My job, I knew like 3 hours
23:12
before it was going to happen. I told everybody the job, hey, I
23:15
think they're going to let me go today.
23:17
You know, it was nice working with you.
23:18
They was like, Oh no, no, no. So when they called, I was like,
23:21
cool, when can I turn on my computer?
23:24
Because I knew that that was my son to just go and just do the
23:30
thing that you were doing for someone else in a different
23:34
capacity. Just go and do it for you.
23:37
And that way you can, you can touch more people and, and, and
23:41
help more people. So it was gradual and then that
23:44
that push. Yeah, yeah, I know.
23:48
And I mean, we, I cannot tell you COVID is such a complex time
23:53
because obviously horrible pandemic so much in that it also
23:59
forced a lot of us to take a really hard look at our lives.
24:04
And you know, when you're confronted with this kind of
24:07
scary thing that you don't know how or if it's going to affect
24:10
you, you all of a sudden start taking stock of your life and
24:15
and be like, huh, how do we want to move forward in this
24:18
situation in a way that I actually can look back on and be
24:23
like, you know, I'm glad I did that.
24:25
I honored myself in that. I started listening to that
24:28
nudge. I responded to that call.
24:31
And you're a little more willing to take some risk because you
24:33
realize life is a little more tenuous than we tend to live it
24:37
as day-to-day. I'm in so I think that, you
24:40
know, time and time again I hear these stories.
24:43
I, I, I love that. Thank you for sharing that.
24:46
And this goes nicely into living, you know, discovering
24:50
your why and your values and how you apply that in your life.
24:53
This was really a turning point moment for you to be like, I'm
24:57
going to truly start honoring my why and my values across the
25:01
board and how I'm showing up and moving this direction, doing
25:05
this work that I know I'm called to.
25:07
You've already spoken about it, how you communicate your
25:10
boundaries so clearly with your family.
25:12
You're now living it out in all parts of your life.
25:14
Would you say that? Was that like, Oh yeah, now I'm
25:17
real. I get like my why?
25:19
Because I mean, I we laughed earlier about the HR PS And you
25:22
there was definitely a part of your why that was in that, you
25:26
know, it's funny as it was, but also too like this other thing
25:29
that I'm already doing anyway, you know, and really honoring
25:34
yourself did was that kind of a moment where you were able to
25:37
kind of Oh yeah, this really is an alignment now.
25:41
It really was, especially when you have some of the previous
25:46
employees here we are, you know, five years later and they still
25:52
contact me. Hey, I have this interview
25:54
coming up. How do you think I should say
25:57
this or what do you think about this?
25:58
Or can you read over my resume or you know, I'm having this
26:02
issue at work. How do I handle it so when I can
26:05
still get contact even with people who have terminated
26:08
because if I terminated somebody, trust me, they got a
26:11
good going away speech that was short for the next career.
26:17
And so getting getting those folks to still, you know, DM me.
26:22
Hey, this is what's happening or seeing seeing the folks, the
26:28
young people starting to grow their families.
26:31
You know, that all, all of those things are are they mean
26:36
something to me when someone else is successful, whatever it
26:40
looks like, that's a win for me if I had any part of where they
26:45
are. Yeah, yeah.
26:48
I love what you said about for even the people that you let go,
26:52
you had a conversation with them and talk to them about why and
26:59
had given some insight on how you can move forward from this.
27:03
It wasn't just a you treat it. That's a theory treating them as
27:07
a human, treating them as a person, like you aren't just a
27:10
thing or an object or a doing that we're letting go.
27:14
I'm going to we're going to do this, but I want you to know
27:16
why, because this needs to be a learning it.
27:18
Hopefully you embrace this as a learning experience moving
27:21
forward. So thank you.
27:22
I think that's such a such an important piece that we don't
27:26
always see enough in that world. You know, of HR that the human
27:31
piece of it. So thanks so much for that.
27:32
That was really good. It speaks to who you are as a
27:35
person accepting oh, whoops, hold on.
27:38
I'm jumping ahead. Living out of your own
27:40
expectations versus others. The you, you have laid that out
27:44
very well. You are one that lives out of
27:46
your own expectations. Unapologetically talk to me
27:50
about and, and that impacts and though you know, expectations
27:54
and why and values and boundaries are all right.
27:57
They all run together and they all play off of each other.
28:01
And having a handle on one helps you to determine how to put the
28:05
other in place and communicate and who it needs to be
28:08
communicated to and all those things.
28:11
Talk to me about your expectations, journey and really
28:13
that that point of where you knew you were always.
28:17
It was important to not only live out of your own, but
28:19
communicate that to others the way you do Boundaries.
28:24
That comes from my my wife. Thanks.
28:27
I'm a wise person. I need to understand why and
28:32
when you start putting the ball back in other People's Court,
28:36
you recognize that they don't know how to dribble this ball.
28:39
They just handed you the ball and said dribble and make these
28:42
points for us. And I'm a hand it back and said,
28:45
tell me why. Why do we need this?
28:47
And when I I recognize that they can't tell me why I need to do
28:52
something to for them, then why in the world am I busting my
28:57
butt trying to figure it out? So I'm like, no, what do I
29:02
expect of me? The only person that I can
29:06
expect to do a thing that I've asked or that I want is me.
29:13
The only I can only ask of other people.
29:16
I cannot expect. The expectation will always come
29:19
with some or some form of disappointment, frustration or
29:24
being upset. Yeah.
29:26
So all you can do is ask. I don't expect.
29:29
I expect people to be who they are.
29:31
That's it. And you and, and, and, and when
29:36
you treat people like that, you're more likely to get that
29:39
in return as well. I mean, you're sending a
29:42
message, you're laying the groundwork.
29:44
I think that's so good. Thank you so much for that.
29:46
All right, we talked about layers earlier and wearing the,
29:50
you know, getting in the shower with the 24 shirts and such a
29:52
great metaphor to talk to me about your journey of accepting
29:57
the layered aspects of yourself, the parts and pieces that you
30:01
love, that you don't love, that need shedding, that that need
30:05
work, that need processing, all those things.
30:08
Talk to me about your layers journey and when you realize
30:11
this was an uncomfort important component of your well-being.
30:17
I think when I started to, my body started to shut down
30:20
physically. I went to a place it was I don't
30:24
know how many years ago where my legs gave out.
30:28
Like, I used to get excruciating pain that would shoot down one
30:33
leg. And, yeah, you know, it could be
30:35
sciatica. But they couldn't find anything.
30:37
I would get the Mris couldn't find anything.
30:40
I'm walking out of the hospital and literally, my legs just gave
30:43
out. I could not walk.
30:45
And so I recognized that my body was telling me stop.
30:51
I I cannot go on anymore with the level of stress that you're
30:55
putting on me. And so until you treat me
30:59
better, I will not operate for you.
31:02
And so I said, OK self, because that's the only way I can still
31:06
live is through you. I'm going to start treating you
31:09
a little bit better. And that was my my pivotal
31:13
point. When I hear women have pain and
31:16
they want to go grab an aspirin, I said, hold on.
31:19
What's what's happening in your life right now?
31:22
And if they can list me 25 things and out of the 2520 don't
31:27
belong to them, I will say pull those off and tell me about this
31:32
headache in about a week. And that's what I started doing
31:35
for myself is understanding that my mental will diminish my
31:41
physical completely the same way that my physical will diminish
31:46
my mental. So I have to keep them balanced
31:48
if I want to get to and stay in a better place, yeah.
31:53
And you just tie beautifully together the mental, emotional,
31:56
physical health and layers. This is all In Sync, you know,
32:00
this framework that we talked through.
32:01
All the parts and pieces feed off the other.
32:04
If one's not being tended to, another one's going to feel the
32:08
repercussions of that. I think that's so important.
32:11
I talk about that all the time. You know, when I was unpacking
32:14
all my stuff when I first started and let like where my
32:19
nervous system was really feeling safe enough to kind of
32:21
start moving through and processing all the things I've
32:24
stuffed all those years. I have these areas of numbness
32:27
and pain that no one could explain.
32:30
And as I was able to unpack and process and move through, the
32:34
numbness would dissipate, the pain would go away.
32:38
And it was such a startling reminder.
32:41
And also, our bodies are for us, not against us.
32:46
But they won't give us clues. And they will yell and she will
32:50
yell and scream if to get our attention if necessary.
32:54
And so many times, oh, my body's failing me, give me another
32:58
pill. No, no, no, no, no.
33:00
Stop the truck for a minute and start getting curious about
33:05
exactly what you asked. Let's look at your calendar.
33:08
What's happening here in your calendar?
33:11
Are you cringing every time you look at your calendar?
33:13
If you are, you know that's a clue.
33:17
And then that stress, headache and that back pain and that
33:21
clenched jaw and all those things that stomach ache,
33:24
whatever it is, so many of those things are connected to those
33:28
layers and emotions that need move through processing,
33:32
acknowledged and just given a little love and attention.
33:35
Yeah. I love that so much.
33:39
Thank you. I love how you tie that
33:40
together. Thank you so much.
33:42
All right, in living out feel, finding empowerment, embracing
33:46
layers which you have unfolded really great here for us today.
33:50
Talk to me about how that has impacted your relationship with
33:53
yourself as well as your relationship with other people.
33:58
It's being able to accept well understanding and recognizing
34:02
that I am complex. I'm not only a woman, I'm not
34:07
only a mom, not only a wife, I'm a Gemini.
34:10
And so I just kind of blow with the way which personality is
34:14
going to show up today. And so I like to approach all of
34:17
my any relationship that I have like that.
34:21
So with my husband, we've been knowing each other like 20 plus
34:24
years and married from 19. I had to really just observe
34:28
that he really wants to live for me, but I had to let him know
34:36
that if you live for me, who am I to love?
34:40
Because then you're not being you.
34:43
And so I need you to to live for you and allow me to love all of
34:49
that. That's how we're able to keep
34:52
that relationship. So I didn't recognize him that
34:55
he has different layers. He, you know, that's natural.
34:59
I'm not going anywhere. I don't need you.
35:02
I don't just need you. I want you.
35:04
So I want you to understand that I don't want you to need me
35:08
'cause that's a lot of pressure. Listen, ladies, and and if any
35:12
guys are listening to this, ladies and gentlemen, let me say
35:15
this, making someone your entire world is stressful to that
35:21
person because what you're really saying to them is you're
35:25
not allowed to be upset any day because I think it's, it's
35:30
because of me. And so now I can't process
35:34
myself emotionally or be upset or be hurt or be frustrated
35:38
about something that has nothing to do with you because you're
35:42
going to turn it and make it about you because I am your all.
35:46
I don't want to be, yeah. That's so good and such a great
35:53
reminder because it takes the pressure off of a relationship
35:57
to be what it was never meant to be.
36:00
We were never, you know, we're all responsible for our own
36:03
happiness. My husband broke up with me at
36:06
one point in our relationship because he's like, I can't
36:11
carry. I love you, but I can't carry
36:13
the weight of, of you needing me.
36:18
And it was a torturous nine months, but it was the most
36:22
necessary thing I ever went to because we did end up coming
36:26
back together, even though I didn't expect it at that point
36:30
and I didn't need it. I didn't need it.
36:33
I was, it was. So I'm thank you for sharing
36:36
that. I think it's something we really
36:37
have to be conscious of. And it's just a good reminder
36:41
too, that we're responsible for ourselves.
36:43
We're responsible for our own happiness, We're not responsible
36:47
for others, and they're not responsible for ours.
36:50
And when a relationship feels like something you want and a
36:54
choice you're making every day, it's so much fuller and more
36:58
gratifying for both sides. Oh, my gracious jazz I I told my
37:03
children my oldest is 26, next one is 24.
37:07
So they're, you know, in the midst of dating the young ones
37:10
to 18 and 19. But for my 24 year old
37:14
especially, she is big on showing up for everyone.
37:19
And so if someone's upset, she automatically thinks, you know,
37:23
was it me that I do? And I'm teaching her that it if
37:27
they're upset, if they didn't say that you have done
37:31
something, that's a them problem you don't worry about.
37:35
It's not your job to pick up someone who's else's emotions
37:38
and kind of decipher it. That's not your position.
37:42
If you know that you haven't done anything intentionally or
37:45
ill will to that person, let it go and make let them be the
37:50
responsible party to come to you.
37:52
But you're not responsible for anyone else's emotional or
37:56
well-being. Period.
37:57
But you're all yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
38:00
The most important lesson I think you can learn and, you
38:03
know, especially before going into any kind of a partnership,
38:06
but just period in friendships, everything else, because you set
38:11
yourself up to be taken advantage of and you set
38:14
yourself up, you know, to to you're never going to be able to
38:18
achieve that milestone because we're human and we're not and
38:22
we're not meant to be carried everybody else's load.
38:25
So Oh yeah, yeah. Good, good job, mom.
38:28
I mean, that's those are just the important things and so many
38:31
of those you and you know, on the other side of that as a mom,
38:34
you can't learn that for her. Like she has to figure that out.
38:38
You can guide and give the direction and you know, so I
38:42
think that too sometimes as a mom as you're watching our kids
38:45
navigate these things, it's just like especially when they become
38:48
adults because I've got 3 adult children too, 30/28/26 and it's
38:53
just like, OK, OK, OK. And learning how to like show up
38:58
in a way that's honoring to them into the way that they want you
39:01
to show up versus like going in and taking over and solving the
39:04
situation and the problem. Like, you know that you know.
39:07
And so I think that's a big thing too.
39:09
So great example of that. Thank you so much.
39:12
All right, we are down to the rapid fire.
39:14
Name 5 activities that nourish you.
39:19
Mindless games, Mindless shows, running, napping and eating.
39:27
I know, I know, love me some good food too.
39:30
I love that and I ran for years until my body screamed at me.
39:34
I couldn't do that anymore. But I really for that so
39:36
wholeheartedly. It's such a good release.
39:38
All right, 5 words on how you want to feel the next six
39:41
months. Relaxed, free, successful,
39:49
energized and just joyous. I love that.
39:54
All right, Coach K share with everybody how they can find you,
39:59
follow you, listen to you, learn from you, all the things.
40:02
And all of this will also be on our website, embracinglayers.com
40:06
listeners on our resources page. Don't you worry, but let people
40:10
know right now too while they're listening here.
40:13
Absolutely. My name is Connie Ford.
40:15
I do go back Coach K and you can find me on every single social
40:19
media platform at coach K101C OACH Kay 101.
40:26
You can also hear some of our past podcast episode which is
40:31
Bringing Intimacy back where I Co host with Doctor April.
40:34
If you literally go to Bringing Intimacy Back on
40:38
socialmediaor.com, you can find all of those episodes and any
40:43
events that I haven't have an annual women's healing
40:45
conference every October. So feel free to look that up
40:48
shehealsher.com. And that's SHEHEELSHE r.com
40:56
'cause we have to heal and our heels ladies and always feel
41:03
free. I my phone number, my phone is
41:05
ours. Open 804-967-4551.
41:10
All right, thank you so much, Doctor K, for all that.
41:13
Thanks so much for being with me today.
41:15
Thanks so much for how you show up in the world.
41:17
It's because I I think that is so important.
41:20
You have done the work on yourself and now you're able to
41:23
go out and support others in doing that.
41:26
The bringing intimacy back thing, you know, wrapping that
41:29
back into that. What?
41:30
Remember, listeners, what Doctor K said of Doctor K, you should
41:35
be a doctor. Coach K said about relationships
41:40
earlier in the wanting versus the needing.
41:44
That's going to have an incredible impact, you know, on
41:47
the intimacy piece as well. So I wanted to kind of bring
41:50
that all home together because they're so related and connected
41:54
to those healthy connections that we're searching for.
41:57
Thanks so much again for being with us today.
41:59
Any last thoughts for our listeners?
42:03
For our listeners, the biggest thing that I want you to walk
42:06
away with is always look yourself in a mirror and stay
42:11
quiet enough where you can hear what you need to hear from
42:15
yourself and walk in that when If you've ever heard, walk in my
42:20
faith, not by sight. Understand what that means, make
42:25
it your interpretation, and just walk.
42:30
Oh, listeners, there you go. That's your take away.
42:33
I'm not going to add any more to that.
42:35
Thank you so much for being with me today.
42:38
I appreciate your time so much and how you show up in the
42:40
world. Thank you for having me.
42:43
I appreciate you and this platform right here.
42:46
So thank you for having me and thank you for how you show up
42:50
for us as your guest and as a guest and what you share.
42:56
I appreciate you. Thank you so much.
42:58
All right, ladies, take good care of yourselves.
43:00
Check out these resources and we'll see you next time here on
43:04
The Field Podcast. Hello, and thank you so much for
43:08
being with us today on this episode of the Field Podcast.
43:13
If you would like more information on how you can apply
43:17
these talking points that I share with our guests in each
43:20
episode to your own life, really utilize this field framework.
43:26
Go to embracing layers dot com, fill out our contact form and
43:30
let's set up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how
43:35
you can start living your most authentic, organic, healthy,
43:41
feel fueled life. Thanks again for being with us
43:44
today. We'll be back to you soon with
43:46
another episode here on the Feel Podcast.