Latest / Heal Yourself Podcast / Episode 29: Soul Contracts and Trauma Bonds: The Messy Truth About Who We Let In

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Episode 29: Soul Contracts and Trauma Bonds: The Messy Truth About Who We Let In · Heal Yourself Podcast

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: I'm Denise, a speech and language pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist, and we're here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind and soul From the latest in functional medicine, of healing your body, mind and soul, from the latest in functional medicine to nurturing your relationship with yourself, healing trauma and even transforming your money story.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: we're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: So, whether you're looking to heal physically, emotionally or spiritually, join us as we explore the many paths to wholeness and wellness.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of Heal Yourself Podcast.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: You have both of us today and we're talking all about relationships.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Everybody loves relationships.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Everybody has relationships, everybody loves relationships, everybody has relationships.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: That's why this is so important, exactly, yeah, it's like you have a relationship with yourself, with your friends, with your family, with loved ones, like with your pets.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh yeah, you're going to have a good point.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: I don't know that we're going to get into that, but you know.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: We never, or maybe we should just have an episode just about the relationship with our pets.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know how that's going to go.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: I don't know either.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Well, let's start.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Let's start with, like, friends and family, because I want to.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Let's do that.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: I feel like they're very different relationships.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: Of course, there are similarities, but it's different when it comes to a partnership, like a spouse or a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: So let's start with friendships.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: I feel like that's an easy one.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: When I look at our friendship, it's just something that's cherished, right, and I think for us this concept is going to sound woo-woo to many, but you guys should know by now we talk woo-woo.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: I do think there is such a thing as soul contracts, like I think there are people that enter our lives for a reason, and I feel like Denise is one of those for me, and I say this because we met in the most random of ways.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Like I can't even remember back, like, do you remember?
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: I do remember I was going to ask you the year because it was the year where you guys were moving from where you were at to Vegas.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Nashville.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: I remember we were in Nashville.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, so what year was that?
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: Don't know.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: I'd have to look at the calendar.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, it's probably like either.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I think it's.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Is it 2017 or 2008?
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: No 17.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: You have to go back because I, yeah, I remember when you texted me and I was at a birthday party and you, we were trying to like set up a time to talk or something.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: But, yeah, I believe the same way that you, you came to my life for a reason and I'm so happy you did, because I learned a lot from you and I still do, actually, and we push each other.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: We do.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: And the thing is people that people think like oh, if we're our friends, that means we're not, we don't cater to each other either.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I feel like I call you out and you call me out, and we have seen each other grow.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: And we've grown together, and that's why I view it as like a soul contract, because I think there are people that come into your lives for a reason.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Now could you have a soul contract with someone where it's just meant to be a short term, possibly if you're learning something, but for me, that person is in your life for a profound reason, you know, and you and I have continuously pushed each other over the years, and what I say is like, yes, I remember how we met, but at the same time, it's like I wanted to talk to you about something functional medicine, like I don't even remember how that was about the challenges yeah, but I was
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: doing a lot of challenges and I think maybe I was commenting on them in the group and you asked me about how I was doing them or something, and then this is how we just kind of clicked yeah, and that's what's so interesting, though, is like it, it was a click and it was a fast click and it like didn't end like it could have been like a super simple like thanks for answering my questions and that's it.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and just also, you know and I love the, you know the terms you're using about the soul contract and also relationships or friendships.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: They're also the ultimate teachers.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: So people who are coming into our lives are also reflecting.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, especially when we're activated by that, by things that they say or things that they do or whatever you know that is, it does activate sometimes our unconsciousness or limiting beliefs, et cetera, et cetera.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: That's why I say you know, every friendship, every relationship in our lives, even the ones that end abruptly or the ones that don't last forever or the ones that do, they're the ultimate teachers.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: They will show a side of us that sometimes we don't want to look at, but then we do look at it because we appreciate this friendship.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Like I remember when I, when you and I first started, you know, being friends, I was completely different than I am right now Same.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: You are too, you know, and we celebrate each other.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: We're very real with each other and I wish that people can listen to our voice messages because we always say I'm telling you this because no one will understand it.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: You know, like no one will understand.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: I mean, I left you a message about my dream today, and anyone else would have been like what the hell?
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to listen to it.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: I haven't had the chance to listen to it, but I mean, we can actually write a book just from our voice messages.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: Honestly, Well, you just said something too, and I agree with it, and people don't always recognize this.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: You attract who you are.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: You're like a mirror.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: People that you bring into your life are that, and so when you get into a friendship, when you get into a relationship with someone of any sort, you're attracting yourself back, and that can be a really hard one to digest.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: But, like when we're looking I know we're not getting into romantic partnerships yet but when you're looking at why women are like, oh my gosh, I keep attracting these men that are cheating on me.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, look at yourself there we go, there we go reflection and it's the same with our friendships, like it is.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Who are you attracting?
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: Like I attracted you because we were on this journey, like we didn't know it at the time, but we were on the same type of healing journey, and I think that's why we attracted each other.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: And to this day, people are like how are you, you know, getting these like-minded friends?
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: I'm like that's who I am and that's who I attract.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I repel everyone else.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yeah, exactly, and so that's why it is important to then to work on the relationship with yourself.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: And I know we've mentioned it in previous episodes.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I don't know which number, but I don't either, and it is important because once you value that relationship with yourself, then you are going to start attracting the people who are going to continue to lift you up or to continue with that journey, right?
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: I mean, we are the product.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: What is it?
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: The sum of the five people we hang out the most with?
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: And just look at your friendships and sometimes, like people think that and there are seasons and there are phases, and some friendships may just be for that phase and it just may fade away and that is okay, just let it go, because it's not meant to be anymore.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: It was for that, so for that contract, and then that's it Right.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: So sometimes it is okay because we cling on too much with the attachments, like, oh my goodness, my friend, and this, oh, my friend, you know, but then sometimes these people are not they're not aligned with us anymore.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Exactly, but that's that's.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: It's not a bad thing.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Like it is okay to just let go of the relationship.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: That don't align.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: I agree, and there's so one of my friends years ago this is back when I lived in Denver, so we're talking a long time ago now, like well over a decade.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: But I'll never forget I was hanging out with these other women that I worked with and we had such a blast, but things were just getting like they started feeling off.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: It wasn't as much fun anymore.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: And this one friend, who was not part of this group of friends, said to me do these people make you a better person?
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: And that is the first time anyone said anything like that to me.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: And I stopped and I'm like, okay, no, and that has always stuck with me.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: And that is something to be asking yourself when you're in these relationships with people Does this person make me a better person?
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: If not, why the hell are you in this?
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: relationship.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I love that because remember from my voice messages I would text Kira and be like this is happening whatever.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: And the first question you would ask me is is this you know person, you know good for me, or whatever.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: What was the question?
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Are they making you a better?
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Making me a better person Are they making me a better person, and this is when you gauge.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: It's like wait a minute.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: If yes, if they are making me a better person, then it is worth you know, looking, fighting for looking into, you know, the relationship or whatever.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Like I take my friendship seriously, you know I really do, I and I would rather have one or two friends that I can rely on versus having 20.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: You know I'm really more, you know quality versus quantity of friends.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: But kind of let's talk about the family, because sometimes family numbers are a little bit annoying.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I hope none of our family's listening to this.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: No, I do.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Oh, please do not listen to this episode and if you're listening to the episode, stop now.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Just stop now, do not continue we're gonna be real right, we are gonna be real.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: And here's the thing, though we don't well, maybe we choose our family.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: Thing, though we don't well, maybe we choose our family in past lives.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know, but like consciously we don't choose this family for a reason, you know that I do think that, but, like, consciously.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: There's a difference between saying like oh, this friendship is dissolving.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: It's not that easy with family members.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Can you do that and say I cut this person out of my life, yeah, but we also have to accept them as they are.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: So friendships, yes, like I accept Denise, I accept you for who you are.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: But at the same time, if we were no longer aligned, I would accept that things dissolve.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: But with, like, parents or siblings, it's not that easy and we can't expect them to change.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: Correct.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: However, what we can do is we can set boundaries.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: There's that fun boundaries.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: That's an episode too, guys.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: So, yes, and another thing I have tried a lot to change some family members and I came to terms to like I cannot change anybody.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: I can change how I think about it.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: I can change my reactions.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: I can change the topics that I talk in front I talk about in front of my family, right?
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: So that's why I set the boundaries and I set them really, really high with my family and I and I mean it and it does take practice and I come from a really if I can do it a lot of people can.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I come from a Middle Eastern family, very close, tight-knit family.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: That's all in your business, right?
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: It's like a lot like Italians and Greek, like, very like, if you've watched my big Greek wedding, this is what Lebanese people are.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: So they're in your business, constantly, want to know everything, and I'm 46 years old and my mom, my grandma, still treat me as a child, as if I'm like still a baby or two, three years old, so talk to me as if I'm a child.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: So it used to really bug me before.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: However, I accepted them for who they are and I don't try to change them, but I do set the boundaries.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: I know which topics I can talk to my mom and my grandma or my dad about, or my sister, and there are some topics that I choose not to go there with some of my siblings as well.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Right, I'm very spiritual.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: I kind of like you know, there is a fine line between spirituality.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I mean there is, you know I don't believe in religion, I do believe in spirituality.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: However, when I'm in there is, you know, I don't believe in religion, I do believe in spirituality.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: However, when I'm in that topic, I know what to say, right, but this didn't just happen.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: It required a lot of practice, it required a lot of tears, honestly, and I did feel I was betraying my family.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: I love my family so much but because I set those boundaries, it has been really helpful for my peace and wellbeing.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and guys, I know, sorry, I was just going to say I know we've talked boundaries before, but if it didn't hit before, maybe it will today, because you need boundaries with family and the boundaries are for you, it's not for them, it's for your health and your wellbeing.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: There are boundaries in our families too, where my husband and I don't talk about specific topics anymore Because again, if we go back to, is this relationship serving me?
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: That conversation was not serving us.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: We were never going to see eye to eye, we're not going to try to convince each other, so why are we even going there?
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: That is a boundary.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: But here's the thing with boundaries that people seem to forget there needs to be a consequence if somebody crosses the line.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: It's not just we don't talk about this and then they talk about it and you let it slide.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: Oh, we don't talk about this and then they talk about it and you let it slide.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: People fall into that.
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: It's like no, you set the damn boundary.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: I don't talk about it.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you?
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: That's it.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: You walk away.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: You have something right.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: There is a consequence like you would have for a child yeah, no, and I, I have a perfect example for that.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Um, just mind your family.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: If you're listening, stop, unless you're listening without judgment, it doesn't matter to me, but anyway, I really don't.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: Don't care now, don't mind, but anyway it's.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I come to the point where I've worked so much on those relationships that anyway.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: So we were at my parents' house.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: My parents live only five minutes away from me, hence it's really important also to have the boundaries, but you know, I love them, they help me, they help with the kids.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: So it was me, my sister and my brother.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: We were all sitting, my grandma and my mother, and on a weekend, I think the top, either the religion topic came out or politics, I really don't remember.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: And then it was, you know, my mom, my brother and my sister, all, like you know, talking, and I started noticing, like why am I going to engage in this, right?
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: So, instead of engaging in this, we were all sitting in the living room, right, I'm not going to get up and leave.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: So I started talking with my grandma on the side because she wasn't engaging with them about something that I'm interested in, which was the, because you know how I feel about I have a beautiful relationship with the Virgin Mary.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: I call her Mama Mary, like she's my mother.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: I really feel very connected to her so, and my grandma has been reading a book about her life.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: So we were talking about that because I'm like I really wish, like I know really the story about her, how she was as a child and and all that stuff like where did she come from, and all these things, so as if they were all you know, talking about something that I cannot engage in because I refuse to convince or argue about a topic that I don't, I don't want to, right.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: I just kind of like diverted, right.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that I'm in denial, no, but I'm just.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: I love my peace and I love my energy and I was just talking about something that I can.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: I could do that so.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: So it could be a very subtle shift or it could be like a quickly, like I'm going to go to the bathroom, I need to go pee, pee or something, right?
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: So nothing has to be I don't know like, don't be rigid, like with your family, yes, set the boundaries and if the things are cause, you know how when we are with our parents, sometimes we revert back to being a kid.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: Just use, because you know how, when we are with our parents, sometimes we revert back to being a kid.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Just use your tools.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Just make sure you're going in using your tools and you got to accept them for who you are.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: And I do know some people who have decided to end a relationship with their family members or to end a relationship with a sibling.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: This is not me.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: However, I do respect that, yeah, cause there there is a difference too Like we are not in that toxic environment.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: There can be families where there's substance abuse, physical abuse, other things, where it's like no, for my, you know, mental health and everything else.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: Maybe ending that relationship is the best thing.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean it's forever, but there are definitely people that would do better cutting ties for a period of time.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, especially, like, like you said, if they are, you know, thank God, you and I grew up in a very loving.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: I know there were some limiting beliefs.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: However, you know we did not have, you know, abuse or whatever.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: So we didn't have like toxicity and but yeah, like there are and we respect that.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I completely respect when I know that you know somebody does not speak to their family or whatever.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I mean to each their own.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: You know, and you got to do what makes you happy and, like you said, it could be just maybe for a short period of time in order for you to establish your tools and stop being triggered.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: But we're activated by these things.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: But if you still are and you're working on yourself, I mean taking a break is yeah, because maybe that's your boundary, maybe they're crossing the boundaries and that's your consequence of you know, we're not gonna.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: we're just not gonna talk anymore for a bit, yeah, but I mean, the most important thing is just accepting that you can only change yourself.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: You can only work on yourself.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: You can only change your reactions, the words that you use.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: So just accepting them for who they are, not because they're your mom, your aunt, your grandma, your whatever that they're going to change all the time.
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: You know, blah, blah blah.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: And if someone has figured out how to make someone change, please message us on Instagram and tell us what this magic is, that you oh, and then yeah, same thing with the magic wand, If someone discovers that magic wand for change like here do, do, do, do, do.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: Well, let's, I want to talk about romantic relationships because, yes, it ties in.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: Right, we could say it's the same thing You're attracting who you are, you got to accept them for who they are, that type of thing.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: But I also think it's a deeper layer, because there's so much that go into a romantic relationship, especially when we're talking like forever partner right Marriage, of what happens as the years and the decades go on and you change and they don't.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: Or what if we no longer share the same beliefs, or you know what I mean.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: So much changes in that and I think people don't know how to navigate that and this is why divorce is so high.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: Right, like they, I don't know how they changed and I didn't, or I changed and they didn't, and well, that's the thing, because we are different people, right, like you are a different person when you're in your 20s and your 30s and your 40s and, like you said, you are in this relationship for a long time and sometimes you're growing and you're here and your spouse is still right there, like it's not that your spouse is not growing your partner and you're like there's nothing in common anymore.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: It's not.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: It's more of a friendship, not even a anymore.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: It's not.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: It's more of a friendship, right, not even a friendship.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: It's just like a roommate chip and instead of being a loving partnership.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: And I mean this is like really difficult because you know, like you just got to continue looking and seeing and that that person's continuing not to change.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean again, that's where boundaries and you have to accept that you're going to be at different places in your life at different times we're not going to grow together.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: Look at you and I like I'm going to go back to the friendship of like we did have a period where we weren't talking as much and we separated our businesses, like there was a time where it was like this is just a shift, this is what we need, and then we came back together and so not saying that you end a relationship because of that, but it's like you have to embrace that time period where it's like okay, we're just at different places, but where can we connect on other things?
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: And I think people just forget how to do that and they lack communication, they lack boundaries and they lack that self-love.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: And those are three really key pieces in a romantic relationship.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: That emotional piece is huge and I'm actually going to ask you a question and I'm throwing this one out here.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: But if we talk about trauma, bonding a little bit and co-regulation, I know Denise's eyes right now, because we regulate with each other and that's for any relationship friends, family, kids but especially with our partner.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: So do you want to speak to that at all?
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: What's your?
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: question Well, I mean, you've talked about being trauma bonded before, but I don't think you have on the podcast, so tell people what that even means.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, the thing is, you know you're bonding with your person, that you're choosing over trauma.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: You know whether it is previous relationships or it could be, I don't know anything.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: You know and that's, and that will keep you in the loop, because what happens is that you are going to one of you is going to realize that I want something different, I want to change, right, I want to look deep and I don't.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: I want to heal from that trauma, right?
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: And then one of the partners, one of the people, will start healing and the other partner will not, and what will happen is disconnect, right?
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: So are you coming with me or are we going?
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: You're going to stay behind?
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: And this is sometimes where people actually do the take the break or break up or whatever.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: And sometimes taking a break or separating for a little bit can be nurturing for the other partner to be like do I want this or not?
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Right, and it depends.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: What is this whole contract is right, and if that relationship is meant to grow and to align together, then your partner will jump on board relationship that you have right now with your spouse, partner, whatever, and try to remember how you got together to see if you bonded over trauma?
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: And if you did, how are things happening right now?
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: How is that trauma showing up in your life?
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Because first it's not going to show.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I mean mean first you're going to be all in love and everything, but then, as you get older and as the relationship moves on and you have kids and you have responsibilities, that trauma is going to surface right, and that's important to also look and be aware and that's why we keep.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: What do we keep saying, you and I awareness, awareness, awareness.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: And then you're going to realize like wait a minute, this is what we bonded on.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: Do we want to continue bonding on this?
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Or now we want to actually mature as adults and bond over adult stuff, right?
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: So also remember there's a bunch I mean even in the Let them Theory, because we've talked about it in the podcast.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: But when I read the book she said we're a bunch of eight-year-olds walking around in adult bodies right, because we did not learn how to self-regulate, we did not know how to work on ourselves, we did not know.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: I mean we didn't learn all these things right.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: I mean maybe some people did because they grew up in families, like you know, regulated or whatever they use those terms, but it's you know.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: So when you meet in your 20s, like just imagine these, you're those two eight year olds meeting in their 20s and bonding over.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know like this one broke up and she hurt my heart and he broke up, hurt my heart and now we're bonding over this and we have some things in common.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: We grew up in the same area but then we get to the 30s and we have the kids and the responsibility and you're like wait a minute, right.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: So it's always important to just look within.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: So if you're listening right now and you're like I don't even know what that means, start being aware and notice what your common things are.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: I hope I'm not confusing people, but am I like going with this, but I'm not confusing people.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: Am I going with this?
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: But I'm just trying to explain something really complicated into simpler terms.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: I think you're saying it and honestly, this could go for any relationship, a partnership, a friendship, the awareness but also going back and looking at what formed this relationship.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: Who were we being in that time and are we still being those people now, or are we being someone else?
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: Do we need to have communication around that?
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: Do we need to set some boundaries?
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: I don't know, but I think with all relationships, we need to look at that aspect in order to grow together.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Of course, Exactly, and I mean it sucks sometimes when your partner is not growing with you.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: It really does.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: It really does.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: However, I mean, there is going to be a point where you either accept them for who they are and not let it affect you, but that is hard.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: That is hard because that person is with you all the time I'm not saying 24 7, but a lot of the times they're in your home, you know, or, um, you're just gonna decide to have the hard conversation and be like where are we at?
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Or you know end something that.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: But again, also, you know when the when doors close, other doors open.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: So I know this can be a touchy subject, but just start being aware, because there's a lot of people right now in relationships that bonded over trauma that they don't even know that they bonded over trauma and there's.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: They're like why am I so dysregulated?
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Why am I always grumpy?
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: Why am I always upset?
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: Because you're co-regulating Exactly.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: So, for your peace of mind.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: And then you know.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Awareness is key, because once you start being aware, things start changing, things start shifting and hold up that mirror.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: I think that's my final thought is hold up that mirror to yourself and look at all of the relationships in your life and how am I being reflected back?
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Because it is a reflection.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: So there may be things that you don't like in your friends and your family members and your husband, whatever, but the piece of that is in you.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: So if you can be working on you, things will start to get better.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: And I know that was always something I kept saying to you in the beginning is like it doesn't matter, just work on you, just work on you.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you just keep working on yourself, keep working on yourself and you are going to.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: Some friendships and some relationships, whatever they are, are going to dissolve by themselves and new ones are going to emerge and they are going to be, but again, with any ending, with any death per se quote.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: Uh, there is some grief and it's really important to allow yourself to grieve.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, can I cover a few things that I read in the let them theory of like, how to the habit, like, kind of like, creating friendships, yeah, okay, so I don't know if you read the let them theory book, but I do love, because I highlight, and we are reading it for the book club.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: So, mel robbins this is coming from mel robbins, you know to um, she said this is to, like you know, build friendships and have different people in your life.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: Compliment people wherever you go.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: Number one compliment people wherever you go.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: And number two, be curious.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: If you see somebody ask them, you know what are you reading?
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: What did you order?
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Like, kind of like.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Be curious with people.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Smile.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Number three smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet One.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: You're making yourself happy and then you are also being a bright light to someone else's life.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: And then four do this without expectation, so I wanted to kind of cover that.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Do we have any?
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: Love it no.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: The takeaways, I think, is look at the relationships in your life romantic friends, family relationship that you have with your kids.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: That's another relationship too.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a whole other conversation relationships and see analyze journal which relationships make me feel alive and at peace and most of the time, and which ones drain my energy.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Like if I walk into a room where I'm with somebody and they're constantly draining my energy, I'm like I'm not going to choose to be around them because if I am, I'm choosing to make myself suffer.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: And then the awareness.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to throw this in there real quick If it is someone that you love, that you want to continue that relationship with, you need to look at why they drain you and figure out how to navigate that.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: Don't just keep ignoring it.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yeah, exactly, Just you know.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: But again, like, yeah, awareness, awareness.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: Put it put it.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yeah, exactly Just you know.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: But again, like, yeah, awareness, awareness.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Put it down in writing, put it down on notes.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Just self-reflection, you know, I tell this to my daughter all the time.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: Anytime you get activated or you try to point a finger, try to blame somebody, immediately look within, self-reflect why, why am I reacting to something that you said?
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: I know this is hard, yeah, it is.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: But you know the answers will come randomly sometimes, whether it's in a dream, like with you, or whether somebody says something, or you just get like an intuition to read something or to open up an article or whatever.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: So, just constantly be in the knowing that you are divinely protected and guided, you know.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: So it's really important to know that you're high yourself and God is on your side all the time.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: Yep, yeah, mic drop, mic drop.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, it's not easy work guys, but none of this is that's why we're doing the podcast.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: Like not one topic we talk about is easy and not one can be achieved in a 30 minute episode.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Like these are ongoing things.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: So like, okay, now you're aware and you're starting to look at relationships, and then on another episode, you're starting to look at boundaries and you're looking at self-love, like these are all things that you need to be diving into and this is like a nice entry point to that.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: I love that because they build up every topic that we're discussing and sometimes the you know, I know that we're very repetitive with the takeaways, but remember, you didn't get here without repetitiveness, right?
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: So same thing, you know.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: Repeat, repeat, repeat, practice, practice, practice and just always, always, always, always, be graceful with yourself when you mess up, because you are going to mess up, you are going to make those mistakes and it's called being human.
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: It's called being human, it's called being human, exactly and just you know.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: Hopefully we wish you the best relationships in your lives amen to that.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: All right, guys.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: Well, you know what to do.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: Leave us a review, find us on instagram, we're on there.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: We're not super active, but we're on there um and we'll, we'll see you on the next episode.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: Active enough, active enough.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: We'll see you on the next episode.