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Note 76: Stop Lying to Yourself About Your Own Promises · Notes to Her

• 0:14
  yaya: Hey girl, hey, welcome back to Notes to Her, the daily pep talk. I'm Yaya, your confidence and mindset coach. I'm here to help you build the kind of confidence that comes from keeping your word to yourself. Now a lot of us are looking at the last stretch of the year and telling ourselves that it's time to lock in. Maybe there's a goal that you've been carrying since January, or a project that you keep saying you'll start after the holidays.
• 0:37
  And something in you is finally saying, okay, now. I just finished ninety days of doing exactly that. I gave up my summer for the goals that I really wanted to accomplish, and I stayed with it day after day. I expected to finish with a few big accomplishments to show for and I have those. The part that I'm proud about the most surprised me though.
• 1:01
  I trust myself more today than I did in January, and I'm gonna walk you through every one of those lessons, including the ones that I'm still working on, because I think some of them will change how you lock in for the rest of the year. So before I get into the lessons, I have to start with the promise because every lesson came out of it. So before the ninety days began, I told myself that I was gonna lock in. This wasn't an assignment that somebody had given me. So if I had quietly quit on day 12, the only person who would have known would have been me.
• 1:40
  Have you ever made a promise to yourself and broken it so many times that you stopped believing it when you said it? Maybe it's, I'm starting on Monday, or I'll get to it after this busy week, or this time I mean it. I have said every one of those out loud sometimes in the same week. And when you break a promise to someone else, you feel the cost right away. They're disappointed, their trust rivals, and then you try to make it right.
• 2:05
  But when you break a promise to yourself, nobody is around to notice, so the cost hides, but it's still there. Every skipped promise casts a tiny vote for the idea that your vote doesn't count. And once you stack up enough of those votes, you'll walk into every new goal doubting if you finish. Think about it if a friend says, I'll call you this weekend, and doesn't call week after week. For me, it's kind of a relief because I'm not a big phone person.
• 2:34
  But if you were really looking forward to that call, at first you might give her grace. Then you stop keeping your phone close. She might be lovely and mean it every single time. But after enough weeks of silence, you stop believing her. Now picture being that friend to yourself for years.
• 2:53
  So I went into my ninety day lock in with big goals, But what I wanted even more was to prove to myself that I was going to do something that I said I was gonna do. Focus doesn't come easy for me because I have ADHD. So sitting down with the same priorities day after day when something shinier is always available, that takes real effort. And choosing that focus every single day for ninety days straight is the part that I am most proud of, even more so than any results that I've gotten. Okay, so let's get into the lessons.
• 3:26
  The first lesson is how I feel about discipline. Discipline used to sound like punishment to me. I am like the independent or freedom girl, I wanna do whatever I wanna do. So it sounded like a drill sergeant standing over my shoulder or a list of rules that I was destined to break because I love breaking rules. And if you know me in real life, then you know I hate anybody telling you what to do, so definitely not about to listen to a drill sergeant.
• 3:53
  But somewhere in those ninety days, I started to really trust myself more. Every day, I did what I said I was gonna do. I was keeping a promise that I made to myself, and some part of me was taking notes. That's how confidence gets built in practice. You do the thing that you said you were gonna do, and your brain files it away as evidence.
• 4:13
  Then the next day you do it again, and it files that too. Confidence is the record you build of Promises Kept, and no amount of waiting to feel ready will build that record for you. The feeling shows up after the evidence does. Think about what that does for you on a hard day. When you've kept your word for thirty days, you have 30 pieces of proof sitting behind you.
• 4:36
  And the voice that says, you always quit has so much more of a harder time sounding convincing. You stop arguing with that voice using hope and you start arguing with it using facts. Keeping my words to myself is the reason why I trust myself more now than I did in June. And I didn't get there through any big win. I got there through a lot of ordinary days where I did what I told myself I would do.
• 5:01
  Now, there's something also that I didn't do. I shared online that I was gonna document the process along the way and I didn't. Some days I worked so hard and I did so much that there was nothing left in me at the end to share. And I know some of you are waiting on those updates, so consider this episode the update all at once. Sorry, there's no visuals.
• 5:24
  A perfect streak was never the goal for me. Coming back to the Promise day after day, that was the goal. And the next few lessons are about how I did that on the days that I had nothing left. So the next lesson that I was reminded of was that self care and rest are not optional. I will tell any client that in a heartbeat and I still had to relearn that myself.
• 5:50
  Walking in can turn into a quiet competition over who can exhaust herself the most, And rest is what keeps you from burning out, even when you have a goal to reach. Energy for me also changes from one day to the next. Some days I had it, and some days I didn't. I tried to push through on my low energy days as if they were high days and it wore me out faster. Forcing your energy and honoring your energy can look identical from across the room since either way you're staying busy, but they leave you in very different places by Friday.
• 6:25
  What actually worked for me was doing a smaller version of the thing instead of skipping it completely. Say your promise is an hour of work on your goal every day. On a low energy day, the small version might be twenty minutes. Twenty minutes counts, because it keeps the promise alive and it keeps your record intact. And this matters more than it sounds like it should.
• 6:45
  But if you have ADHD like me, then all or nothing thinking will end your lock in by day nine if you don't know how to regulate your emotions. One bad night of sleep turns the hour into zero and zero turns it into a skip day and a skip day turns into, well, I blew it. But the smaller version of that gives you a way to stay inside the Promise without pretending you have the energy that you don't have. So if your plan for the rest of the year has zero rest in it, the plan has a crack in it before day one. So put rest on your Condor the same way that you will put work in there and give it the same respect.
• 7:22
  I also have to confess something about my office, so I can lock in there long enough to forget that the sun exists, even though I have a huge window. And getting outside for fifteen minutes did more from my head than another hour sitting behind my desk. Now some days it was hard to get outside and I literally had to force myself to, but vitamin D does more for you than you think. So take the walk, sit on the steps, stand in the driveway if that's all you got. So the next lesson is about what I let into my head.
• 7:55
  I got really particular about what I allowed in during those ninety days. Certain conversations, certain scrolling habits, certain people. I went through and unfollowed, needed, or followed on purpose. Think about your fridge at 09:00 at night. You eat whatever you stocked in there.
• 8:13
  So if you fill it with food that you feel good about, that's what you reach for when you're tired and hungry. And your feed works the same way. Whatever you stock it with is what you'll take in at the end of a long day, and over time it becomes a part of what you believe about yourself. Doubt means an invitation and I stopped sending it one. I'm not talking about cutting off everybody who disagrees with you or pretending that hard things don't exist.
• 8:38
  I'm talking about the account that leaves you feeling behind every time you open it. The group chat where you always end up feeling smaller and the habit of checking everyone else's highlight reel first thing in the morning. We have all done at least one of those, myself included. So here's a small assignment. After this episode, I want you to open your phone and find one account or one group chat that constantly leaves you doubting yourself.
• 9:03
  Mute it, unfollow it, leave it, or follow one account that leaves you feeling capable. And I'm gonna apply notes to her daily. Go follow us on Instagram. It literally takes about two minutes or less, and you will feel the difference by tomorrow. So I also realized that some of your biggest supporters will be people that you have never met in person.
• 9:25
  And I didn't really expect this one, but I had women and a few men that I met in different online communities show up for me in ways that I never saw coming in those ninety days. They shared my posts, they checked on me, they shared resources, and they hyped me up. So support doesn't require proximity, and I am very grateful for every bit of it. And if you ever wanted to join a group of women like that that are in your corner whenever you go out or something, that's exactly why I built Slay Society. So I would love for you to join me.
• 9:57
  The first seven days are free. There's no pressure. Just come and see if it's your people. The link will be in the show notes. So I also wanna tell you something else that I got wrong.
• 10:06
  I let a few friendships go quiet because I was heads down, and that's on me. I can't even blame the lock in for that. The goal was never worth missing time with my people, so I will be very intentional with hanging out with my girls this fall. I'm telling you all this now so that you can plan for it while there's still time left in the year, you can lock in and stay in touch at the same time. A two minute voice memo, a text that says I'm buried in a project but I'm thinking about you and miss you or a standing call once a week keeps a friendship warm.
• 10:38
  So put it on your calendar the same way that you schedule the work on your goal because your friends deserve the same promise you're making to yourself. So this last lesson is the one that I'm still learning, so I'm gonna be honest with you about it. Celebrating my wins is hard for me because it feels like I'm bragging and I hate that. So I am definitely not a bragger. I'll finish something and my brain is already asking what's next before that thing is even over.
• 11:04
  So if you do this too, you know how it goes. The win happens and you walk right past it on your way to the next goal. And during the ninety days, I had to stop and actually say it out loud. I did that. Once I finished the challenge, I allowed myself to celebrate and I let myself feel proud of the work instead of already asking what's next.
• 11:26
  This matters for confidence because the whole point of keeping promises to yourself is building a record of evidence, and celebrating is how that record registers. So if you never acknowledge a promise that you made to yourself, your brain treats it like it never happened. Saying, I did what I told myself I'd do in your own kitchen with nobody watching, is you checking your own receipts, and that is a long way from bragging. And if celebrating feels awkward, start smaller than a party. Tell one person who loves you that you finished something.
• 12:00
  Let them be excited for you and resist the urge to string it into, it was nothing or I just got lucky. Say thank you and let it sit for a moment even if it feels awkward. And if you're locking in for the rest of the year, decide now what the finish line looks like and how you'll mark it when you cross it. It could be a dinner, a trip, a day off, or sitting in your kitchen saying, did that at full volume. Pick something that feels like a real celebration for you.
• 12:30
  Now let's put this all together because I know a lot of you probably started your own version of this lock in. Make a promise that matters to you and is small enough that you can keep it even on a bad day. Decide what the smaller version looks like before you need it, so on a low energy day, it never turns into a skip day. Build rest into a plan from day one instead of just waiting until you're burnt up please, I beg you. Also curate what you let in and stop sending down invitation.
• 12:59
  Keep a few friendships warm even in tiny ways and decide ahead of time how you're going to celebrate because a win deserves a moment. That's six things and you can do all of them in an imperfect week, as long as you treat your word like it matters. The first few days are the hardest part because you don't have any evidence of it yet. Keep the promise small, keep it honest and give it a week. And by the end of that week, you'll have your first pile of proof and adding it to the pile gets easier from there.
• 13:29
  You also don't have to wait till January. So you're, if you're listening to this in the fall and thinking it's too late, remember that ninety days changed how I see myself, and the months that are left in this year are plenty enough time for you to start building your own record. So take a moment with these questions that I'm gonna ask you. Is there a promise that you made yourself that you've let slide, one that you could pick back up today? Think about the smaller version of it, the one that you would keep even on your lowest energy day.
• 14:02
  What does it look like? If you've broken promises to yourself more times than you can count, you're in good company, and I'm including myself. Every promise you keep from this point forward goes into a new record, and the record starts today. So these are just some of the lessons that from my ninety days of locking in, and I hope at least one of them saves you some time this year. When you keep a promise to yourself, you learn that your words can be trusted and once you start believing that, walking into your next goal feels different.
• 14:33
  I trust myself more now than I did in June because I kept showing up when I said I would, one day at a time. And if you are like a community to keep your promises alongside, Slay Societies open, and you can find the link to join in the show notes. You've made a promise to yourself. Keep it one day at a time, and let yourself celebrate when you do.