Latest / Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach / Ep 54: Don't Believe Everything You Think: Key Takeaways From The Book Inner Excellence

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Ep 54: Don't Believe Everything You Think: Key Takeaways From The Book Inner Excellence · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

0:00
Your teenager walks through the door, drops their backpack,
0:04
and heads straight to their room without saying a word.
0:08
And immediately your brain gets to work, right?
0:12
What's wrong with them? Why are they being so rude to me? Did I do
0:16
something? Are they upset with me? Okay, so within about
0:19
30 seconds, you've gone from your teenager walking
0:23
into their bedroom to wondering where you went wrong
0:27
as a mother. And the funny thing is, guys, your teenager
0:31
just might be tired, but you've created an entire
0:34
story about what could have happened, why it happened, what does
0:38
it mean. And here's where things get interesting.
0:41
Sometimes the biggest threat to our boundaries isn't
0:46
what someone else is doing, it's what we're telling ourselves about
0:50
what they're doing. So today we're going to talk about boundaries with our thoughts
0:55
and why we don't have to believe everything our mind tells
0:59
us and how the stories we create can lead
1:02
us to abandon our boundaries we
1:06
have worked so hard to establish.
1:10
If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much,
1:14
and wondering why peace still feels so hard to hold onto,
1:18
you're in the right place. Hi, I'm Lori, mom, former people
1:22
pleaser, and your boundaries coach. Here we talk
1:26
about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries, and get
1:30
clear on what actually matters so that you can build a life that feels lighter,
1:34
calmer, and more satisfying. So let's stop
1:38
the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into this next episode.
1:45
Welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms. I'm your host, Lori Grimes,
1:50
and this is the podcast where we talk about creating
1:54
healthier boundaries, simplifying our lives,
1:57
and building relationships that reflect what matters most to us.
2:01
And if you're raising tweens or teens like I am,
2:04
managing a household, or trying to maintain your relationships,
2:09
and somewhere in there attempting to take care of yourself,
2:13
you guys are in the right place because today we're revisiting
2:17
something we've talked about here before on the podcast, but I want to
2:21
approach it from a slightly different angle because I've
2:25
been reading a really, really good book called Inner Excellence written
2:29
by Jim Murphy, and it's gotten me thinking about relationships
2:34
between our thoughts, our emotions, and our boundaries and one
2:38
of the themes that continually stands out to me is
2:42
this idea of developing inner freedom rather
2:46
than allowing fear or pressure or, say, the outcomes
2:50
to control how we're experiencing our
2:54
lives. And I think it connects beautifully with boundaries because
2:58
I think we can spend so much time trying to manage everything
3:03
that is happening around us, and I feel like we just forget
3:07
to pay attention to what's going on, like,
3:10
inside us. So today I want to talk about what happens
3:14
when we allow our thoughts to become instructions and
3:18
how to stop letting those thoughts make our
3:22
decisions for us. So let's start with
3:25
part 1, and that is the difference between a circumstance
3:30
and a thought. Now, if you've listened to my earlier episode about
3:34
boundaries with our thoughts, you know I've talked about the difference between a circumstance
3:38
and a thought. So I want to give you a quick refresher because
3:41
it's foundational to what we're discussing today. I think it's very important
3:45
that we lay this out first because a circumstance is something that
3:49
happened, something we can generally describe without
3:53
adding our interpretation. Just think of it to be something
3:57
very boring, very factual, something that we can
4:00
prove. There's evidence for a circumstance, but a
4:04
thought is what we're telling ourselves about the circumstance.
4:08
So let me give you an example. Let's say you send
4:11
a friend a text and she doesn't respond right away.
4:15
The circumstance is that you sent a message and that
4:19
you haven't received a response. That's it, guys. That's it.
4:23
But what do our brains do? They don't ever stop there,
4:26
right? We start thinking, did I say something wrong?
4:30
Is she upset with me? Maybe she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.
4:34
Maybe I'm always the one reaching out, I'm like annoying her.
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And before we know it, we're feeling rejected by someone
4:42
who might just be like at Target. You know, I'm always
4:45
at Target. You know, trying to remember what she came in for,
4:49
right? We get there and what did— what were we here for?
4:52
And here's the important part. The feelings we're experiencing might
4:56
be very, very real. The hurt, maybe the anxiety
5:00
or the disappointment, all of that's real. Don't get me wrong. But the explanation
5:05
we've created for those feelings might not be accurate.
5:10
And when we don't realize that distinction,
5:14
we can begin responding to our interpretation instead
5:18
of responding to the circumstance, like what actually happened.
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And this is where our boundaries can get a
5:25
little gray, can get a little messy, because maybe
5:29
now we're tempted to shoot another text to that
5:33
friend, or maybe we apologize for something we
5:36
don't even know that we did, or we decide, you know what,
5:40
I'm not reaching out to this person ever again. And we,
5:44
we've moved from a circumstance to a thought,
5:48
and then from a thought to an emotion, and then right
5:52
from that emotion we go straight to action. And we may not have
5:56
even stopped once to question whether the
6:00
original thought was even true. So here's
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part 2: your thoughts are not instructions.
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This one I have had to learn so much throughout
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my life. So here's something I really, really want you to consider,
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okay? Just because you think something, guys,
6:21
doesn't mean you have to do something about it.
6:26
So I think it's, it's a struggle as moms. We're particularly vulnerable
6:31
to this because so much of our lives involves anticipating
6:35
needs, right? We have to anticipate our kids' needs, our husband's needs, the dog needs,
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the neighbor's needs, the friend's needs. We're always solving problems and responding
6:43
to other people. We're very good at that.
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We notice something and our brains immediately goes to work,
6:49
right? We got to figure out how to fix this. But not every thought
6:54
requires a solution and not every concern requires
6:58
a conversation. And really not every uncomfortable
7:02
feeling requires an immediate action from
7:06
you. So let's say your teenager comes home in a bad mood. You notice they're
7:09
quiet. This is my son a lot of the time. And your brain says something's
7:14
wrong, something's not good here, I need to figure out what it is.
7:18
So you start with the questions, right? How was school?
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Fine. Did something happen? No.
7:25
Are you sure? Yes. Are you upset with me?
7:29
And then you hear, Mom, right? Now, now everybody's
7:34
irritated, right? Maybe something happened at school, maybe your child
7:38
needs some support, but Maybe they also just need a little space
7:41
before they're ready to talk. The thought that something might be
7:45
wrong isn't necessarily unreasonable. I mean,
7:48
that something might actually be wrong, but the thought doesn't have to become
7:53
an instruction to start an investigation,
7:56
right? An interrogation, perhaps. You can notice
8:01
your concern, check in, and leave the door open for
8:05
a conversation. My husband did this perfectly
8:09
the other day. We were in the car and my son was kind of one-word
8:12
answering everything, and he just kind of laid out like,
8:16
hey, you know, we're here if you want to talk about something,
8:20
um, and if not, that's okay. Like, he left it open and
8:23
said, you know, the door is open if you want to talk about it,
8:27
let's talk about it. And that just gives some
8:30
space, right, between the two of us. And, and that's a boundary.
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You're taking responsibility for being available and
8:37
supportive without making yourself responsible for managing
8:41
every emotion your child experiences. It's not
8:45
our responsibility. And then you're also respecting
8:49
their growing need for independence because they are starting
8:53
to move away and create their own worlds. And that
8:56
is healthy. That's something I think becomes increasingly important
9:01
as our kids move into these tween and especially the teen years.
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We still have responsibilities as parents and we still need to
9:09
provide those guardrails that we've talked about, right? The guardrails.
9:13
And we need to provide supervision and appropriate consequences.
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But we really, guys, do not have to turn every observation
9:22
into a crisis. Okay, all right, let's move
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on to part 3: how our thoughts can cause us to abandon
9:30
our boundaries. Now, this is where I really
9:34
want to dig in a little bit because I think many of us know what
9:38
our boundaries are. We've got an idea, like we know we need time to
9:41
rest, or we know we can't say yes to everything,
9:45
or maybe we know that we need to let our children go out and experience
9:49
these age-appropriate responsibilities, and we kind of know that we can't make everybody
9:53
happy. But knowing our boundaries
9:58
and maintaining them are 2 very
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different things. And sometimes the thing that
10:05
causes us to abandon a boundary isn't another
10:09
person's behavior, it's the thought we have about
10:13
their reaction. So Let me give you an example so you know what
10:17
I mean. So say you've decided that you're no longer going to volunteer for
10:20
every school event, not because you don't care about
10:23
your children's school, but because your schedule is already full.
10:27
So you've thought about it, maybe you go— went ahead and made a decision.
10:31
You know it's reasonable because you've checked, you've thought about it,
10:35
and then someone sends you a message asking if you can help with another
10:39
event and you politely decline.
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But then the thoughts start to kick in,
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right? It may sound like, they're going to think I'm selfish,
10:50
or what if nobody else volunteers, or I'm home
10:54
during the day, maybe shouldn't I be helping? Like, what kind of mom doesn't
10:58
make time for, for things like this? And suddenly you're
11:02
reconsidering a whole decision that made perfect sense
11:06
just 10 minutes earlier before you got that text. So nothing
11:10
about your schedule has changed. Your responsibilities haven't
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changed. Your capacity hasn't miraculously
11:18
had more room. You don't have like all of a sudden more margin.
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The only thing that's changed is that the story you're telling
11:26
yourself about your decision means something different. And if
11:31
you believe that story, you may end up saying yes to something
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that you know clearly wasn't right for you.
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And that, my friend, is self-abandonment. And it's one
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reason internal boundaries are so,
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so important, because we can establish
11:51
every external boundary in the world, but guys, if we allow
11:55
guilt, fear, some weird imagined
11:59
judgment people are making about our decisions, and we are
12:04
going to have a hard time maintaining them. So now
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I want to be careful here, okay? Sometimes we genuinely need
12:13
to reconsider a decision. I'm not saying that we should never ever reconsider a decision.
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Like maybe we learn something new, or maybe someone has an
12:21
urgent need that like we really got to kick in some help here,
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or maybe our circumstances do change. That's different from automatically
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reversing a decision simply because
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we're uncomfortable with the possibility that
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someone might be disappointed. Discomfort doesn't
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necessarily mean that you've made a wrong choice.
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Okay, sometimes it just means that we're doing something
12:48
different than what we're used to. So we're just a little uncomfortable
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and that is okay. So let's
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move on to part 4, what inner excellence has to do
13:00
with this. So one of the reasons I've been enjoying this book,
13:04
and I think you guys should definitely get it, Inner Excellence,
13:08
is this emphasis on freedom from fear-driven thinking
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and the pressure to control the outcomes. So Jim Murphy writes
13:18
about pursuing excellence from a different internal
13:21
place. So this is One that's completely dependent on approval,
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achievement, or getting the results that we want.
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And as I've been reading, I keep thinking about, you know,
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how often we approach relationships from
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a place of fear rather than just
13:39
loving that person. Like, we want to be good moms and we want
13:43
healthy marriages. We really want some strong
13:47
friendships. And as moms, we really want our children to grow up and
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to be responsible and kind and capable adults.
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Those are all good, good, good desires.
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But sometimes I think we become
14:03
so attached to achieving the outcomes that come with that,
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that we begin to try to control everything
14:11
that might affect them. And our thoughts
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become the driving force behind the wheel of control.
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And so say my child makes a mistake, you know, and then
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I say, oh, I must have failed. Or if someone's disappointed
14:27
in me, well, then I must have done something wrong. You know, if my
14:31
house isn't organized, then this is a reflection
14:35
of just me not managing my life well.
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And if I take some time for myself, maybe I'm just neglecting
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someone else that I could have helped. Notice how much pressure
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those thoughts create. I can feel the pressure from those thoughts because I
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have thought those thoughts. And notice how many of them
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connect our identity to a specific outcome.
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I think there's a difference between wanting to do something well and
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believing our worth depends on doing it perfectly.
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And we can pursue excellence in our parenting without
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expecting ourselves to make every decision correctly. You know,
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I went for a walk with my son and sometimes we can get into some
15:22
good conversations. And I remember just telling him, you know, you don't need
15:26
a perfect parent. And I really wanted him to get that like
15:30
driven home. Like he doesn't need me to be
15:33
a perfect parent. For him to have this great life that's in front
15:37
of him. And we can pursue healthy relationships
15:41
without expecting everyone to be happy with us. I can't maintain
15:46
my son's approval of what I'm doing and it's not my job to do that.
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And same for my daughter. I can't always expect her to
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be happy with who I am or what I am or what I'm doing.
15:57
And we can establish healthy boundaries without expecting those boundaries
16:00
to eliminate every uncomfortable emotion.
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Because sometimes the most loving thing we can do is
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just allow another person to experience the disappointment,
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right? We're giving them dignity. Like, they're allowed
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to be disappointed with our decision. We don't have to, you know,
16:21
manage that. Sometimes the healthiest parenting decision is allowing our
16:25
children to experience the consequences their choices.
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And sometimes the boundary we need is simply just refusing to
16:34
let fear determine what we're going to do next. Okay,
16:38
so let's move on to part 5. What does Scripture
16:42
say about our thoughts? Because I think Scripture gives us some beautiful
16:46
guidance here on what we're talking about.
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So in Romans 12:2, it says,
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do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be
16:56
transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will
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be able to test and approve what God's will is— His good,
17:04
pleasing, and perfect will. So that
17:07
phrase, renewing of your mind, I love it
17:11
because it reminds me that growth doesn't happen only through
17:15
changing our external circumstances. It's also happening
17:20
through examining the way that we're thinking. And I don't
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believe renewing our minds means pretending that
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we never experience fear or anxiety or
17:31
anger or even insecurity, because those are a
17:35
part of us being human. But we can learn to recognize those
17:39
experiences without automatically allowing them to
17:44
direct our next decisions and steps, right? So let's
17:47
look at 2 Corinthians 10:5. We demolish
17:51
arguments and every pretension that sets
17:55
itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive
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every thought to make it obedient to Christ. Now in
18:03
its broader context, I do think that Paul is addressing
18:07
arguments and ways of thinking that oppose
18:11
the knowledge of God. But I think that there's an important principle
18:15
here that we can apply to our lives. We don't have to treat
18:20
every thought as truth simply because it pops into our minds.
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We can actually examine it. We can question it.
18:28
We can compare it to what we know to be true.
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And we can choose how we're going to respond as
18:36
well. So, and finally, I want to give you Philippians
18:39
4:8. So it says, finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is
18:44
true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
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whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—
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if anything is excellent and praiseworthy— think on these such
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things. I love that verse. And I use this one
18:59
a lot because it keeps coming back to you
19:03
determining what is true.
19:06
Not what we're afraid might be true or what we're
19:09
assuming when someone is sending us that text, or what
19:13
are they thinking? Not worst possible explanation
19:18
for something that has happened, but, but no, but what is
19:22
true? And sometimes the truth is simply that
19:26
we just don't know, and that's okay. We don't have to know
19:30
why someone didn't respond to us. We can let
19:34
that go. We don't need to know exactly what another
19:38
person is thinking, and we don't have to get stuck on that. And listen,
19:42
moms, we don't need to know how every
19:45
decision our children is going to make and how
19:49
it's going to turn out, and that's okay. We can live faithfully without having all
19:54
these answers. So let's move on to part
19:58
6. This is a practical tool, and it's called the thought boundary
20:02
check. So how do we actually put this into practice?
20:05
Because you know I like to give y'all some practical tools here. Because it's
20:09
one thing to talk about examining our thoughts, but it's another to
20:14
do it, right? Because when we're upset or we're feeling overwhelmed or
20:17
we feel guilty, I just want to give you 3 questions that you can use.
20:21
And these are simple enough that you can write them in a journal or just
20:25
save them to your phone or practice just asking yourself throughout
20:28
the day. Okay, so question number 1, what actually happened?
20:32
Strip away the interpretation for a moment. What the
20:36
facts. Not what you think someone meant, not what you're afraid
20:40
is gonna happen, but what actually happened.
20:44
Maybe your husband came home and didn't say much, or maybe your teenager forgot
20:48
to complete a chore. Maybe your friend canceled some plans,
20:52
and maybe someone had asked you to do something that
20:56
you don't have time for. But start there, okay? Those are
21:00
the facts. They should be very simple, very boring.
21:05
Those are the facts. Okay, question number 2, what am I telling myself
21:09
about it? This is the story that we're making.
21:12
My husband must be upset with me for the way that he
21:16
acted when he came home. Or my teenager doesn't respect
21:20
me because of that tone he used. Or my friend doesn't
21:23
value our friendship or she would not have canceled our plans. And if I
21:27
say no, people are gonna definitely think that I'm just a
21:30
selfish person. I want you to pay attention to
21:34
how those thoughts make you feel because our thoughts can influence
21:37
our emotions and our emotions influence our behavior.
21:42
It's a domino effect. They affect each other.
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If I believe someone is upset with me, I might become defensive.
21:49
Or if I feel like I'm being disrespected, I might
21:53
respond with anger. And what's interesting here is a lot
21:57
of the times what we're thinking somebody else is doing, if we believe that,
22:01
we'll turn around and act that way. And so you should
22:05
just kind of play that out. Like, how do you act when someone's, you know,
22:09
excluding you? You think that they're being mean, so how are you going to
22:13
react when someone's excluding you? Are you going to be mean in return?
22:17
If I believe I'm selfish for saying no, I might abandon the boundary
22:21
altogether, right? And here's something important.
22:24
Sometimes our interpretations are correct. Maybe someone really
22:28
is upset, or maybe there is a pattern of disrespect
22:32
that does need to be addressed there. The point isn't to dismiss our
22:36
concerns. I just really think we need to recognize when
22:40
we're operating on an assumption instead of information.
22:44
So question number 3, Does the thought deserve my attention or
22:48
action? Like, I love this question because it creates some space
22:53
in between what we're thinking and what are we going to do next. Because maybe
22:57
the thought needs to be challenged, or maybe it just needs more information.
23:01
Maybe it points to an actual legitimate
23:05
issue that is going to require conversation or is going
23:09
to need for you to put in a boundary. Or maybe it's just an anxious
23:13
thought that doesn't need any additional,
23:17
you know, attention right now. So like, for example, if you've
23:22
already decided that your children are responsible for completing
23:25
their homework, you don't necessarily need to abandon that boundary because you
23:29
start worrying that they'll forget an assignment. You can provide appropriate
23:33
reminders or tools or even some kind of support, but you don't have to take
23:38
over the responsibility simply to
23:42
relieve your anxiety. And that's the important distinction because sometimes
23:46
we're not stepping in because our children need us to. We're just stepping
23:50
in because we're uncomfortable with what could happen if
23:55
we don't, you know, we're not in control here. And that
23:58
discomfort can become an opportunity for us to grow
24:03
and for them to grow. So part 7, you don't have to
24:06
feel comfortable to maintain a boundary.
24:09
So I really want to leave you with this one last
24:13
thing. You don't have to feel completely confident, even peaceful
24:18
or comfortable before you maintain a healthy boundary. Because I
24:22
think sometimes we assume that if we made the right decision, we're going
24:25
to just feel good about it, right? But that's not always
24:29
how it works. You can make a thoughtful and
24:33
even loving decision and still feel guilty.
24:37
And you can say no to something and still wonder
24:41
whether you disappointed somebody. You can allow your teenager
24:45
to experience a consequence and still feel sad that they're upset with you.
24:50
And you can have a difficult conversation and still feel nervous
24:53
during it. Those feelings don't automatically mean your boundary
24:57
is wrong. They just mean that you're human and you're going through some feelings.
25:01
And if you're someone who has spent years trying to keep everyone happy.
25:05
And establishing boundaries, they just might feel especially
25:09
uncomfortable at first, and that's okay because our brain is used to like certain
25:14
patterns. Because maybe our brain's like, well, you always say yes.
25:18
And maybe you're used to fixing the problem before anyone can
25:21
get upset. Or maybe you're used to taking responsibility for how everyone
25:25
else feels. So when you begin doing something a little different your
25:30
mind might start offering you like all kinds of reasons to
25:33
stop and go back to those things you used to do, like you're being
25:37
selfish or letting someone down, or just take care of it,
25:41
don't worry, don't— like, don't make them do it. But remember,
25:44
a thought isn't an instruction.
25:47
You can notice the thought without allowing it to make your
25:51
decision. You can acknowledge the discomfort
25:55
without immediately trying to, to eliminate it. And you can choose
26:00
to act according to your values rather
26:04
than what you are fearing. So now, that doesn't mean ignoring
26:07
your conscience. Like, it's there for a reason. It also doesn't mean
26:11
dismissing any feedback that you receive or refuse to
26:15
reconsider your decision when you do have some new information.
26:19
Healthy boundaries require flexibility and discernment,
26:23
both of those things. But there is a difference between like
26:28
reconsidering something and automatically abandoning yourself
26:32
because you don't want to sit with being uncomfortable.
26:37
And learning to recognize the difference is going
26:40
to be part of building healthier boundaries.
26:44
So here's what I want you to take away from today's episode.
26:47
I know we talked about a lot of things. But here are the main points
26:51
I want you to, to think about, okay? Not every thought is true,
26:55
and not every uncomfortable emotion requires you to
26:59
do something immediately, and not every situation is yours
27:04
to fix. Sometimes we need a boundary
27:08
with another person. That's okay. Sometimes we need to have
27:11
a hard conversation or communicate an expectation or
27:15
address a behavior that is not healthy, but sometimes
27:19
a boundary we need is with the story that
27:23
we've been telling ourselves. The assumption that
27:27
we're not— we're responsible for everyone else's happiness
27:31
around us, or the belief that someone disappointed means that
27:36
we did something wrong, or the fear that if we don't control,
27:40
you know, every outcome in our family's lives that everything's going
27:44
to fall apart. And the idea that being a good mom means never
27:48
doing something that's gonna be a mistake.
27:51
We can challenge those thoughts. We can renew our minds and
27:56
we can learn to respond to our circumstance with
27:59
this greater wisdom. And that brings compassion
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and intentionality. So here's my challenge for you this week,
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okay? The next time you notice yourself feeling
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guilty or defensive or anxious or even overwhelmed, just take
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a moment before you react. Ask yourself, what actually
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happened? Or what am I telling myself about it? And does this
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thought deserve my attention or action? Because you might be surprised
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by how often these 3 questions help
28:30
you recognize a boundary you didn't even realize that you need.
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Okay, because healthy boundaries aren't just about protecting
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your time or your energy or relationships.
28:41
They're also about learning to protect your decisions from fear and assumptions
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or the pressure to make everything turn out perfectly.
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And just remember, guys, you don't have to control everything to show up faithfully
28:54
and lovingly for the people that are important to you. You can love
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deeply and parent intentionally and live according
29:01
to your values without allowing every thought
29:06
to take the driver's seat. So before we wrap up, I want to mention the
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book I've been reading again. It's called Inner Excellence. It's written by Jim Murphy.
29:14
And some of the ideas we talked about today, if they resonated with you,
29:18
especially when it comes to managing your thoughts or letting go of fear,
29:22
I encourage you to check it out. I'll put a link to the book in
29:25
the show notes if you're interested in learning more. And it's definitely given me
29:29
some things to think about. I'll probably bring it up here as I continue to
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read. Um, but I think it will help how we
29:36
look at establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.
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So thank you so much for joining me today on Healthy Boundaries for Moms,
29:43
and I hope to see you in the next episode.
29:47
If today's episode helped you, friend, make sure you
29:51
are following Healthy Boundaries for Moms and share
29:55
it with a friend or a family member who might need it too.
29:59
And I want to hear from you. Have a question or a situation
30:03
you'd like me to talk about on the podcast? Leave me a voice
30:07
message using the link in the show notes or send your question to me
30:11
by email. You may just hear your question answered on an upcoming episode.
30:15
So until next week, friend, keep choosing the boundaries that protect what
30:19
matters most.