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Becoming Anchored S1E2: Navigating Friendships in Adulthood · Becoming Anchored

• 0:00
  Hi everyone.
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  Welcome back to the Becoming Anchored podcast for episode two.
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  We are so excited that you're here with us today.
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  I am Lauren Jackson.
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  And I'm Laura Deneen.
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  Hi.
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  Yeah, welcome.
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  We're so glad that you're here.
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  We're two therapists in the middle Tennessee area.
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  We're located in Brentwood.
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  We are in a small group private practice with eight other therapists.
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  So there are 10 of us total in the group.
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  We primarily treat eating disorders, disordered eating at an outpatient level.
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  We work with really anything and everything in between.
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  Anxiety, depression, grief, loss, life transition, OCD, and then just navigating
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  the difficulties of life together.
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  We work with.
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  Anybody through the lifespan male, female and so we just truly enjoy
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  and love and honor the work that we get to do with our clients.
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  And we're so excited to start this new way of connecting with you all, which
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  is this platform, this podcast platform.
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  So we're back for our second episode and we're really excited to, to jump into the
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  content that we have for you all today.
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  Yeah.
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  And the
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  purpose of this podcast, just to echo Lauren, is twofold.
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  First, we really want to first and foremost be authentic and relatable
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  and share about our lived experiences.
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  And then secondly, we wanna offer some of our therapeutic wisdom.
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  And so.
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  You know, the Becoming Anchored podcast is really this idea
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  that we have never arrived, that we can always learn and grow.
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  And that's something that as a company, through Anchored Counseling
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  Company, we really value in our staff.
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  And, and really we, we take this posture of, I think, humility with
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  our clients as well, in the sense that we're always learning and
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  growing and, and we're here just to.
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  Ride the ways of life and the ups and downs with y'all.
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  And so that's really the purpose of this podcast.
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  So today we're actually gonna be talking about navigating friendships.
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  In adulthood.
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  Quick disclaimer before we get started.
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  We'll just say this at the beginning of every episode.
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  This isn't intended to be therapy.
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  This really is intended for informational purposes only.
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  So though we are licensed therapist, we're not your therapist.
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  If you are in the.
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  Middle Tennessee, Brentwood area, and you're seeking out
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  therapy, please reach out to us.
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  If you do find that as you are listening and engaging with us,
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  that you would benefit from your own therapy and you're not local please.
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  Reach out to, to anybody local who's licensed that could help
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  you in your therapeutic journey,
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  navigating friendships in adulthood.
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  This is a, a big topic.
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  Yeah, it is, it's a tough one.
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  As adults particularly when you are an adult and you're trying to make friends
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  there can, I, I often find with some of my adult clients, there's shame around
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  not having like that core group of friends that you kind of have grown up
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  with and have been through, you know, seasons in life with, through high school
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  and college, and you're still this.
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  Group of best friends, which is so great that, that some people
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  experience that and have that, and what a, what a wonderful thing, right?
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  And that's not everybody's reality.
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  That's not my reality.
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  And I have personally felt and experienced different seasons of shame
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  around that and different seasons of.
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  Grief around that.
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  And, and then, and then from there we, we embark on this journey of trying to
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  figure out as adults, maybe with, with a family, you know, with perhaps a full-time
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  job or a part-time job or, or whatnot.
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  Trying to make friends and trying to figure out where,
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  where to find good friends and.
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  That is something that both Laura and I have had to do at
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  some point in our adulthood.
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  And it's not easy and it is an endeavor that is worth investing
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  in.
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  Yeah, the shame.
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  So remember that shame is that that response that says that I
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  am bad or a part of me is bad.
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  I think that's really common in terms of what our clients report and even an
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  emotion that I felt around friendships.
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  And then I would add to that loneliness.
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  I think a lot of people that are in our office are lonely and.
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  That, that's just so hard.
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  And you know, thinking back to when I was a little girl growing up, my husband and
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  I were talking about this the other day, but it's like friends are kind of provided
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  for you in school and elementary school, middle school, high school, and if you
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  go to college or even further education, it's like you have this like group of
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  people that's provided for you versus like when you become a working adult.
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  You go to work and you go home and you may have the luxury of.
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  You know, going to meet a friend for dinner, but not everyone maybe has
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  that luxury or maybe they need to get home to take care of their child,
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  or maybe they can't afford to go out to eat or whatever it might be.
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  And so yeah, it's, it's just different when you become an adult.
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  And I think these are the nuances that we as a society don't talk enough about.
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  A couple things that I experienced when I first started therapy.
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  I remember that I had these thoughts, maybe what we would
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  call cognitive distortions.
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  So another way of thinking about that is just faulty thinking.
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  I thought that when I made a friend, I was supposed to be in
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  relationship with that person forever, and then it was devastating
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  to me when friendships ended or.
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  Kind of fell away naturally because we moved out of state and we were no longer
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  seeing each other on a daily basis.
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  And so I had to work, I've had to work through just my own shame around those
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  friendships that have maybe fallen away or friendships that haven't worked out
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  where there's no longer safety in that relationship or whatever it might be.
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  And even as a working mom.
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  Who owns a company.
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  It's a lot to, to keep up with friends in my adult life and to work full time.
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  And so I would definitely say that my circle of friends has gotten
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  smaller over the years and working through my own feelings around that.
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  And, has just been tricky.
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  And so those are some of the things that come to mind.
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  So just that magical thinking of like, oh yeah, I'm supposed to be friends
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  with everyone forever and you know, or I'm supposed to be best friends
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  with everyone, or whatever it might be has been so true for my experience.
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  Yeah, especially during my twenties.
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  I'm in my, I'm in my almost mid thirties now, but that was really things that I had
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  to work through in therapy in my twenties.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I would imagine that some people listening can probably relate to that
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  for sure, because I certainly can.
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  Yeah.
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  One of the, one of the friendship relational patterns that I always,
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  always seems to get myself into growing up, so when I was younger,
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  that followed me into adulthood was always being like the middle.
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  Man, if you will, in relationships and friendships in particular.
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  So somehow I always found myself in these groups of like three friends.
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  So it's like I would always have like two other friends
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  and I would be the middle one.
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  So I would be like the peacekeeper and the, the go-between and just
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  making sure that everyone was okay and maybe it wasn't always three people.
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  Maybe there were some, you know, some more, but.
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  But I was always the one in the middle.
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  And that, I mean, this is an episode for another day, but that
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  speaks to like the role I played in my family and, and all of that.
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  Anyways, so that, that pattern of Peacekeeper within friendships definitely,
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  like I said, followed me into adulthood and, I found myself navigating some
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  tricky relational situations that I was just kind of like fed up having.
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  And I remember, and so part of being that peacekeeper, which again, I'm pretty
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  sure that probably there's somebody out there listening that can relate
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  to that and can feel with me in that.
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  But as I was navigating these friendships and I was in therapy at the time and I
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  still see that same therapist some of the best advice she gave me, and I'm putting
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  that in air quotes because we know that therapists are supposed give advice, but
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  the best like therapy that some of the best therapy I got from her was just this
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  simple idea of what if Lauren you don't like work so hard in the in, in this?
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  These relationships to keep the peace and to make sure everybody's
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  okay and to make sure everybody's happy because A, you're probably
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  ignoring your own feelings and needs.
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  And B, what is that actually, how is that actually like helping the relationship?
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  'cause you're probably working harder than other people,
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  the other, the other parties.
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  And if, if you, you take a step back and.
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  Let the relationship unfold naturally, I wonder what would happen.
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  And so for me, the risk of potentially losing the relationship felt worth it
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  because I was just tired of that cycle.
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  Like I was just, I, I, I, I got to, it got to the point where I
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  just wasn't working for me anymore.
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  And so the risk was worth it.
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  And sure enough, the relation, some of these relationships, I'm thinking
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  of two, two people in particular, the natural progression of the
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  friendships, they fizzled and and.
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  Yes, there's a grief in that, and there's a part of me that feels
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  some relief in that because this, I, I broke that cycle and that gives
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  me room and space to have better friendships now, which is true for me.
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  So I say all of that because I, our, our, because friendships as, like Laura
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  was saying, as children and teens, there's a, there's a bit of an ease, an
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  ease to them because they're, they're.
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  We're kind of provided, if you will, the, a group of people to kind of
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  choose from, to be friends with, whether that's in high school or you
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  know, your dance classes or whatever.
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  And then in adulthood that just isn't necessarily reality anymore.
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  And so and so there's, there's more.
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  It almost feels like there's a little bit more weight to the friendships
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  that we have as adults because.
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  There's more risk in losing friendships 'cause they're harder to find and
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  there's more risk in trying to gain friendships because they're harder to get.
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  And so it feels a little bit like this double edged sword.
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  And and the process of it all is is worth doing that kind of inner self work around.
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  Because when we do find those really good quality friendships, um, the, the
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  benefit that we get from it is I don't know the word I wanna use healing.
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  It's, just really profound.
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  And so with all of that, I would say too that the quality of our friendships as
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  an, as adults probably is more significant than the quantity of friendships that
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  we have as adults, which can also be maybe a shame point for, for some
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  people me included in my own experiences is navigating friendships as adults.
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  It's like, oh, I only have a few really, really good friends.
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  I don't have a lot of friends and.
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  I'm okay with that.
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  Yeah, and, and yeah, I give you permission to be okay with that too.
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  Yeah.
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  I love all of this and it, I think it just is so healthy because I am
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  definitely someone that in the past have really focused on the quantity
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  and I would say in some of that quantity there was quality, but.
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  Maybe that perception piece mattered more to me than the
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  quality of the relationships.
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  Like are other people seeing how many friends I have in my circle?
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  Yeah, I got myself.
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  Just in terms of that pattern that you disclosed.
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  Thank you so much for sharing that.
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  I think I got myself into relationships where it was like
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  too much too soon and I had these patterns of my friendships where.
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  You know, then a year into the friendship, or six months or eight months or however
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  long into the friendship, I started to feel bothered by things like my boundaries
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  weren't respected, or I would say no, and then I would be pushed into this event.
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  And that was a little bit more of my cycle, was feeling like the friendships
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  were more intense versus intimate.
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  And the intensity of.
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  Really like diving really deeply into a friendship versus truly kind
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  of testing the waters, so to speak.
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  And.
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  Navigating more of of life together.
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  And, and some of that builds trust, right?
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  That okay, I can trust this person to show up well for me, and I can
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  trust that they're going to respect my boundaries and I can trust that
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  it's safe to have differing opinions about things and that person loves
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  me and cares for me no matter what.
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  So as I look back on some of the patterns that I've done, you know, that has.
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  That has stood out to me in a friendship.
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  So yeah, we wanna talk about maybe ways to just really evaluate your friendships.
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  I had a supervisor when I was first becoming a therapist and in my early
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  days as a therapist who talked to me about, I was going through a change
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  in a friendship, and I remember she just, I think I was crying in a
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  supervision session with her and she just really spoke into me just around.
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  Hey, Laura, some of our, our friends are going to be our leaf friends.
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  Some are gonna be our branch friends, some are gonna be the
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  trunks, some are gonna be the roots.
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  And so I loved this picture that she provided because it was so validating for
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  my experience that some people naturally, when the seasons change, they fall away.
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  And then we have.
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  Maybe more people that are with us for, hopefully for our lifetime
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  that are more the root friends.
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  And that just gave me permission.
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  I think you used that word before, Lauren or something along those lines,
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  but permission to be okay with, okay, I'm gonna have some people that are more
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  my root in my trunk friends, and then some people are just gonna naturally
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  be in my life for a season and I can.
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  I can be grateful for that season.
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  And I can also maybe challenge myself not to sit in shame that they're more
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  of a branch friend or a leaf friend.
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  So that analogy, that picture of that tree was really freeing
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  and a part of my journey just in navigating friendships as an adult.
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  Yeah.
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  And I, something that going along with this analogy.
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  That has been helpful for me too in adulthood and in navigating friendships
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  and trying to make some friends because we all have this internal
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  desire and need to connect with people and to connect with different kinds.
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  Of people right outside of love, connecting with my husband.
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  I love connecting with my mom and dad 'cause they live so close and, and, and
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  there's a part of me that's, that wants to connect with girlfriends, right?
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  Like just my friends or a friend.
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  And, and giving myself permission to kind of let go of this.
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  Belief that any friend that I have, kind of like Laura was saying earlier, earlier
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  on in the episode, any friend that I have, I have to be friends with him for forever.
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  Right?
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  Or any friend that I have as an adult has to be really, really deep
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  and has to be really, really, we have to be really, really close.
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  There, I, I, I'm, I find, and I'm finding that there are
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  actually times and places that.
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  I'm, I am in need of like a branch friend, or I am in need of, I
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  am in need of a leaf friend.
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  And, and, and that, that type of connection or that type of encounter is,
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  can be just as significant and is just as significant as in, in developing.
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  And cultivating a, a really deep friendship with someone.
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  And so, and so giving myself permission as an adult to let branch
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  friends be branch friends and that that's okay has been helpful for me.
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  Yeah, it's like it takes the pressure off, right?
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  Yeah.
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  Like, yeah, I can, I know and Lauren, you know this about me because you know me
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  well, sometimes my personality can feel like a little bit of a pressure cooker.
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  Like, I have to do all these things and I've got these big goals and
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  dreams and I think with friends too, that can show up in my own life.
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  And so what you're describing takes some of the pressure off.
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  Yeah.
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  And just this idea, I love this idea of just like permission.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Permission.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  And, and friendships.
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  We're just here to say, friendships can just be tricky.
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  In the therapy world, we talk a lot about how the fact that we are
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  oftentimes hurt in relationships.
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  So that can be from our family of origin, it can be from
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  friendships that have gone awry or.
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  You know, things that have been said.
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  And then we can also heal in relationships.
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  And so my dearest closest friends have been so healing for me and
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  just the way they respond when I mess up has been so healing for me.
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  Literally two days ago, I said something to my best friend and.
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  I, I didn't mean to bring up a painful memory for her, but I did.
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  And inadvertently my daughter was screaming and she is now in this phase
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  where she's like unscrewing her milk cap and there was milk all over her crib.
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  And anyway, I was on the phone with my best friend and I, I said
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  something that brought up a painful memory for her and just her ability
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  to show me grace around that.
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  And we talked through it and we were able to really work through that.
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  Was so healing for me because I haven't always had that experience
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  where I've been extended grace.
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  And I also conversely have probably not done a great job at that
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  either in times in my friendships.
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  And so just us being able to navigate that situation together, like literally
• 20:05
  48 hours removed was just so powerful.
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  And.
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  Yeah, we can heal in our relationships with other people.
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  We can heal in our friendships.
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  That can be an opportunity for us.
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  So if you guys are struggling in your friendships, we just, we see you.
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  And I think sometimes I know as a client, I've had the privilege of
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  working with different therapists in Nashville and sometimes I can hold my
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  therapist on a pedestal and just be like, oh my gosh, she's so perfect.
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  And we're just here to say that we are not perfect.
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  We have.
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  I'll, I'll take ownership.
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  I have messed up in friendships.
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  I have, I have done things that have hurt other people and I'm actively trying to.
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  Look at those things and be curious about those things and change things so that
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  moving forward, I hurt people less and so that I'm a better friend as well.
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  And so we're not perfect.
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  We don't do friendships perfectly.
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  And we're just here to offer y'all that, that compassion as well.
• 21:03
  Yeah, so as you continue on this podcast journey with us, you will
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  probably notice a pattern in how we.
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  Kind of move through these episodes.
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  And so around this, this point in the episode, we, we wanna offer an
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  affirmation, a, a kind of nugget of hope for you to take home with you.
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  We're called becoming Anchored.
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  And we have this hope and this desire for, for us and to you all to be on this
• 21:37
  journey, all of us, to be on this journey together and be becoming anchored in hope.
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  And that's just what it is, a journey, right?
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  It's not this destination we're trying to reach.
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  It's this journey that we're on and we wanna be on it.
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  With you guys.
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  And so I want to leave you all with a quote by our wonderful Laura Dennean.
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  So she, we have a, we have blogs that we write, and they're on our website.
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  Go check them out.
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  They're all kinds of topics on there.
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  Wonderful, wonderful resources.
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  But our wonderful Laura wrote a blog recently on navigating friendships
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  and, I wanted to leave you all with these words that she she offers
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  at the end of this blog post.
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  I trust my intuition in discerning the quality of my friendships,
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  allowing myself to feel peace and joy in the company of true friends.
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  So just take that with you as a hope for today as you continue navigating.
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  What friendships are in your life as an adult.
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  Yeah.
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  And your, your additional homework for today, in addition to the affirmation is
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  just gonna really be to to be curious.
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  So the, the key to curiosity is to approach it open-handedly
• 22:57
  without judgment or shame, but to be curious about your friendships.
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  So are there people in your life that you wanna reach out to more, or maybe people
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  that you feel you may need to take a step back from but really be intentional
• 23:12
  about looking at your friendships.
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  Or maybe can you challenge yourself to.
• 23:17
  Go to some sort of extracurricular activity, whether that's a book
• 23:21
  club or a hiking club or whatever it might be in your, in your area.
• 23:25
  We really challenge you to, to figure out what you need as a
• 23:29
  result of listening to this podcast.
• 23:30
  So thanks so much for being here for this episode.
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  We wish all of you well, take care.
• 23:37
  Bye guys.