Latest / Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire. / Trump Explains That Dumb Has a B in It & JD Vance on the End Times | Breaking Absurdity Ep 35

Transcript

Trump Explains That Dumb Has a B in It & JD Vance on the End Times | Breaking Absurdity Ep 35 · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

• 0:00
  Today, Trump has finally weighed in on the Nevada
• 0:02
  toupee controversy. He denies wearing a wig,
• 0:05
  saying the wind blew his hair up so hard, so
• 0:07
  hard, that if he had been wearing a wig, it would
• 0:09
  have flown off. Which is actually a pretty convincing
• 0:11
  argument. I've never seen a wig survive a walk
• 0:14
  outside Marine One, but now that he mentions
• 0:16
  it, I've also never seen his come over survive
• 0:18
  it either. Trump was giving Americans a spelling
• 0:21
  lesson today because apparently he's concerned
• 0:23
  that most people don't know how to spell dumb
• 0:25
  Which is an interesting thing to assume about
• 0:27
  the American electorate. He explained that dumb
• 0:29
  has a B at the end And keep watching for Trump's
• 0:33
  actual lesson coming up, because apparently this
• 0:35
  is something the president believes the nation
• 0:37
  needs to know. And speaking of things we apparently
• 0:39
  need to keep an eye on, Melania Watch has officially
• 0:42
  been reinstated. It's been 10 days since we've
• 0:44
  last seen the first lady in public. We're waiting
• 0:46
  to hear when we should expect to see her again,
• 0:48
  but don't hold your breath. Meanwhile, JD Vance
• 0:50
  is preparing us for the possibility that we may
• 0:52
  be living through end times, which given the
• 0:54
  downward spiral of the current administration,
• 0:57
  seems less like a question of if and more like
• 0:59
  when. And finally, after 286 days at sea, 5 ,000
• 1:03
  American sailors finally got a five -day break
• 1:05
  in Thailand, specifically Pattaya, a city famous
• 1:08
  for its beaches, nightlife, and sex tourism.
• 1:12
  So, after almost a year aboard an aircraft carrier,
• 1:14
  the Navy has apparently decided the best way
• 1:16
  to support these sailors' mental health is to
• 1:18
  park 5 ,000 of them in Thailand's party capital,
• 1:21
  which sounds less like shore leave and more like
• 1:23
  the world's largest bachelor party. We've got
• 1:25
  the clips, the Antichrist, the returnable audio
• 1:27
  watch, an American aircraft carrier that looks
• 1:29
  like it's been sitting at the bottom of the ocean,
• 1:31
  so stick around. It's time for Breaking Absurdity.
• 1:36
  Everything you didn't know you needed to know
• 1:38
  today, but wish you hadn't. Ads help keep the
• 1:41
  lights on here at It's Not Satire. But if ads
• 1:43
  give you the ick, let me help you with that.
• 1:46
  If you want all the absurdity without the ads,
• 1:48
  subscribe to my sub stack and look for the ad
• 1:50
  -free podcast option. The link is in the show
• 1:52
  notes. Now let's get into the absurdity. Trump
• 1:56
  has finally weighed in on the Nevada to pay controversy
• 1:59
  He denies wearing a wig saying the wind blew
• 2:01
  his hair up so hard so hard that if he'd been
• 2:04
  wearing a wig it would have flown off the Speaker
• 2:07
  and it was blowing so hard So hard that actually
• 2:11
  you know for years. I had to suffer with people
• 2:14
  saying he wears a wig I don't wear a wig and
• 2:17
  we actually have on file the exact moment Trump
• 2:19
  is talking about There it is Trump was right
• 2:23
  That is definitely blowing so hard, so hard.
• 2:26
  I don't see how anything that wasn't permanently
• 2:27
  attached to his head would have survived that
• 2:30
  blowout. In fact, I'm starting to think this
• 2:32
  is in a hairstyle. It's a weather event. In other
• 2:35
  things Trump is known for, Trump likes to give
• 2:37
  his opponents quote -unquote funny nicknames.
• 2:40
  The only problem? Sometimes he hasn't quite worked
• 2:42
  out the spelling yet. Trump has a long history
• 2:45
  of trying out nicknames in real time, testing
• 2:47
  them out on audiences, saying which one sticks,
• 2:49
  and tweaking them until he finds the one he likes.
• 2:52
  And this week, he was apparently working on another
• 2:54
  one. Except this time, before he could finish
• 2:57
  the nickname, he had to teach everyone how to
• 2:59
  spell the first word. That's right, the president
• 3:13
  is workshopping a nickname and giving the audience
• 3:15
  a spelling lesson at the same time. Apparently
• 3:18
  we're not just watching Trump invent political
• 3:20
  insults anymore, we're watching the live editing
• 3:22
  process. And after all that preparation, the
• 3:25
  nickname is Dumbocrat, which honestly sounds
• 3:28
  self -explanatory, which makes me think if he
• 3:31
  has to explain that joke to MAGA, maybe he should
• 3:33
  be looking at his own party before calling Democrats
• 3:36
  dumb. Trump also had some very interesting things
• 3:38
  to say about Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton.
• 3:41
  Trump is backing Paxton for Senate, and you'd
• 3:43
  assume he'd want to tell voters what makes him
• 3:45
  such a great candidate. Instead, Trump started
• 3:48
  out by explaining that you may not like the way
• 3:50
  Paxton dresses, or the way he looks. or his television
• 3:54
  interviews. the suit he's wearing that doesn't
• 4:24
  look so great or than anything, frankly. That's
• 4:28
  quite an endorsement. Trump had exactly one positive
• 4:31
  thing to say about the man. He was the best attorney
• 4:33
  general. And then he spent the rest of the endorsement
• 4:35
  explaining everything he doesn't like about him.
• 4:38
  But my favorite part is that Trump doesn't stop
• 4:40
  at the suits. He says Paxson's accomplishments
• 4:42
  speak louder than the suit or anything, frankly.
• 4:46
  Anything being the operative word, because if
• 4:48
  you've read the headlines, Paxton has a lot of
• 4:50
  things going on that are a bit unpleasant. And
• 4:52
  Trump seems to know that. Trump has gone from,
• 4:55
  don't judge him by his clothes, to, actually,
• 4:57
  don't judge him by anything you've heard about.
• 5:00
  I think Trump's not really endorsing Paxton as
• 5:02
  much as he is apologizing for him. Melania watches
• 5:05
  back. It's been 11 days since Melania was seen
• 5:08
  in public at the Freedom 250 Grand Prix, and
• 5:11
  the last time we saw her, the public was less
• 5:12
  interested in the race than in trying to read
• 5:14
  the lips during her apparent argument with Trump
• 5:17
  as cars raced past at nearly 200 miles an hour.
• 5:20
  There was even speculation online about whether
• 5:22
  the woman standing next to Trump was Melania
• 5:25
  or Caitlyn Jenner. So we'll see if she can beat
• 5:28
  her previous record of roughly 30 days. The clock
• 5:31
  is ticking. And onto lighter news, JD Vance has
• 5:34
  some thoughts about the end of the world, which
• 5:37
  isn't particularly surprising. At the pace we're
• 5:39
  going, we should hit the Armageddon by the start
• 5:41
  of the next Grand Prix. Vance was explaining
• 5:43
  that he's trying to focus on doing as much of
• 5:46
  God's work as possible. And if that leads to
• 5:48
  the end times, well, OK. What I'm trying to focus
• 5:51
  on is doing as much of God's work as possible
• 5:54
  right now. And if that leads to the end times,
• 5:57
  OK. Do I think that we're in the end times? I
• 5:59
  don't know. And I think that it's probably bad
• 6:03
  for me spiritually to focus too much on it because
• 6:06
  there are like things you gotta do. I gotta be
• 6:10
  good to my wife, I gotta be good to my kids,
• 6:12
  I have to be, you know, as good of a leader as
• 6:14
  I can for the United States of America. And so
• 6:17
  I think that focusing, while I'm fascinated by
• 6:20
  it, I think focusing on it is too much can be
• 6:23
  very bad. I think that there are like things
• 6:26
  about the world that make me feel like not shocked
• 6:29
  if the Antichrist was was walking among us. But
• 6:32
  again, I try not to focus too much on it. Now,
• 6:35
  the Bible does give us some clues about the Antichrist,
• 6:37
  and I believe one of them is really weird hair.
• 6:41
  So we may actually have more information than
• 6:43
  Vance thinks. In entertainment news, Dolly Parton's
• 6:46
  Hollywood Walk of Fame star was vandalized, which
• 6:48
  is a bold choice, because if you're going to
• 6:51
  commit a crime in Hollywood, maybe don't pick
• 6:53
  the woman who has written approximately 14 ,000
• 6:55
  songs about revenge. The star was quickly repaired,
• 6:59
  but eyewitnesses have apparently given us a description
• 7:01
  of the suspect, and honestly it sounds familiar.
• 7:04
  Please keep an eye out for anyone with flaming
• 7:06
  locks of auburn hair and eyes of emerald green,
• 7:09
  a smile like a breath of spring, and a voice
• 7:11
  like summer rain. Does that sound like anyone
• 7:14
  you've heard about? If anyone has any information,
• 7:16
  please let us know. We're on the case. Now let's
• 7:19
  talk about the USS Abraham Lincoln. The aircraft
• 7:22
  carrier has just arrived in Thailand after spending
• 7:24
  286 consecutive days at sea. That's more than
• 7:27
  nine months. Think about that. You could have
• 7:29
  had a baby in less time than these sailors spent
• 7:31
  without getting off the ship. And after all that
• 7:33
  time at sea, the crew finally gets five days
• 7:35
  of rest and recreation, which is probably exactly
• 7:38
  what they need, because the ship has been operating
• 7:40
  in support of the war with Iran, and the crew
• 7:42
  has been deployed for an extraordinary length
• 7:44
  of time. But apparently, President Trump didn't
• 7:46
  think 286 days was particularly excessive. In
• 7:49
  fact, he suggested it wasn't long enough. Trump
• 7:52
  had publicly brushed off concerns about how long
• 7:55
  these American sailors were at sea. Of course,
• 8:03
  because if there's one thing you learn from Donald
• 8:05
  Trump, it's his support and empathy that really
• 8:07
  comes to mind. Just like his support for releasing
• 8:09
  the Epstein files, he made sure that they were
• 8:11
  kept away for as long as possible, pretty comparable
• 8:14
  to nine and a half months at sea. The sailors,
• 8:17
  meanwhile, seem to have a slightly different
• 8:18
  opinion. The commander of the Lincoln strike
• 8:20
  group, Dan Keeler, was asked about the president's
• 8:23
  comments. In Thailand tonight, the Lincoln's
• 8:25
  commanding officer, Captain Dan Keeler, was asked
• 8:28
  about that. like the president saying that the
• 8:32
  deployment wasn't nearly long enough. So the
• 8:34
  president speaks for himself. That's what I think
• 8:37
  about that. So in other words, the president
• 8:40
  doesn't speak for this commander. That must be
• 8:42
  the Navy equivalent of, I'm going to stop talking
• 8:44
  now. And the reason the USS Abraham Lincoln has
• 8:47
  spent so long at sea is the war with Iran. Which
• 8:50
  brings us to another remarkable moment from the
• 8:52
  administration this week. Commerce Secretary
• 8:54
  Howard Lutnick was talking about the war when
• 8:56
  he said there haven't been American deaths. The
• 8:59
  growth rate and the reduction in the deficit
• 9:01
  will not only stabilize the bond market, will
• 9:05
  bring rates down. I think the way the president
• 9:08
  is playing Iran, right, there's not, there haven't
• 9:11
  been American deaths, it's really just an economic
• 9:14
  choke out which the administration is now executing
• 9:18
  more broadly and I think it'll be very effective.
• 9:22
  There is unfortunately a fairly significant problem
• 9:24
  with that statement. There have been American
• 9:26
  deaths. According to reporting, 18 American service
• 9:29
  members have died, 18. So this isn't one of those
• 9:32
  situations where two sides have different interpretations
• 9:34
  of the same number. There is a number, it's 18,
• 9:37
  and somehow the Secretary of Commerce still managed
• 9:40
  to lose it. Which is a feature of this administration
• 9:42
  that reminds me of Trump's first term, the alternative
• 9:46
  fact era. Don't be so overly dramatic about it,
• 9:50
  Chuck. You're saying it's a falsehood, and they're
• 9:52
  giving Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave
• 9:55
  alternative facts to that. But the point remains.
• 9:58
  Wait a minute. Alternative facts? Alternative
• 10:01
  facts, four of the five facts he uttered. The
• 10:03
  one thing he got right was Zeke Miller. Four
• 10:05
  of the five facts he uttered were just not true.
• 10:07
  Look, alternative facts are not facts. They're
• 10:10
  falsehoods. Kellyanne Conway said that in 2017,
• 10:14
  when then -press secretary Sean Spicer was being
• 10:16
  challenged on what CNN called falsehoods. And
• 10:19
  Kellyanne Conway coined the term alternative
• 10:21
  facts, sparking a wave of backlash. And Howard
• 10:24
  Lutnick's remarks today on no deaths in the Iranian
• 10:27
  war really brought up that nostalgic moment.
• 10:30
  It's so great that the Trump presidency is honoring
• 10:32
  its commitment to mislead the public term after
• 10:35
  term, isn't it? And finally, it's time for Australian
• 10:38
  absurdity. Australia has triple zero. That's
• 10:42
  their equivalent of 9 -1 -1. You call it when
• 10:44
  you need police, fire, ambulance, unless... You
• 10:47
  can't open your milk. Western Australia police
• 10:50
  recently warned people not to misuse triple zero
• 10:52
  after receiving some truly bizarre emergency
• 10:55
  calls, including one person who called because
• 10:57
  they couldn't open a carton of milk, and needed
• 10:59
  help making a cup of tea. That's right, somewhere
• 11:02
  in Western Australia, a person looked at a sealed
• 11:04
  carton of milk and thought, this is beyond me.
• 11:06
  Then they picked up the phone and called emergency
• 11:08
  services. Imagine being the operator, police,
• 11:11
  fire, ambulance, no, milk. I don't know what
• 11:14
  happened to this person before the invention
• 11:15
  of the screw top milk bottle, but apparently
• 11:17
  they haven't recovered, and honestly I admire
• 11:19
  the escalation. Most Australians would ask a
• 11:22
  neighbor, this person went straight to the government.
• 11:25
  And that's Australian absurdity, because when
• 11:27
  you can't make a cup of tea, apparently that's
• 11:29
  not a household problem, it's an emergency. And
• 11:33
  there you have it, another day of breaking absurdity,
• 11:36
  your daily reminder that this is not normal.
• 11:39
  Be sure to like and subscribe to help me keep
• 11:41
  bringing you more daily absurdity. And if ads
• 11:44
  aren't your thing, then remember to check out
• 11:46
  the ad free version of this podcast on my sub
• 11:48
  stack. Just click on the link in the show notes
• 11:50
  and look for the ad free podcast and the subscription
• 11:53
  options.