Latest / Just Listen To Me / You’re Not Too Much: The Truth About Pursuers in Relationships
Transcript
- Julia Shay: Hi, I'm Julia and welcome back to Just Listen To Me. If love feels confusing or painful right now, you're not broken and neither is your relationship. Let's slow this down together. And if you've ever been told you're too much in a relationship or felt like no matter how hard you try to connect, it never quite lands, this episode might land a little deeper than you expect. In the last episode we explored why withdrawing partners can seem distant, why they pull away, shut down or disengage. And today, I want to gently turn towards the other side of this dynamic. Because this is a question I hear all the time. Are pursuers ever actually satisfied in relationships? Or are they always unhappy, always needing more? And the answer is, it's more complex than it looks on the surface. Because here's what often happens. Withdrawers don't openly express what's difficult for them about their pursuing partner. Not at first. It tends to come out later, often in the heat of conflict and sometimes in ways that feel abrupt or even hurtful. But in emotionally focused therapy, There's a stage we call withdraw re-engagement. And this doesn't happen at the beginning. It happens later when the couple has started to understand their negative cycle, when reactivity has softened and when there is just enough safety for something deeper to emerge. And it's often here that I hear withdrawers say things like, I feel like nothing I do is ever enough. it feels like they're never really happy with me. And when we slow that down, something really important comes into focus because that experience of feeling like you're never enough can actually drive the very withdrawing behaviour that the pursuer is reacting to. So this is where we go deeper because on the surface, Pursuers can look critical, dissatisfied, demanding. But underneath that, for most pursuers, what looks like dissatisfaction is actually a reach for connection. In EFT, we call this protest behavior. So when a pursuer says, you never spend time with me, you don't care about me, On the surface, that's protest. But underneath that protest, there's something much more vulnerable. I miss you. I feel alone in this. I'm scared we're drifting apart. I don't know if I matter to you anymore. But here's the painful part. That's not what the withdrawor hears. What they often hear is, you're not good enough. You're failing me. And instead of moving toward the relationship, they move away. They shut down. They go quiet. They create distance. Or they say things like, Maybe I'm just not enough for you. Maybe you should find someone else. And this is the moment the cycle locks in. Because in that moment, this isn't just a conversation. It's your nervous system trying to answer a deeper question. Am I safe in this relationship? I wanna bring this to life with an example. I once worked with a couple where the female partner had a more anxious pursuing style. Growing up, her emotional world wasn't consistent. Her father was often absent. Her mother was supportive at times, but would withdraw when emotions became too intense. So the message she internalized was, connection isn't guaranteed. And if I need too much, I'll be left." So in her adult relationship, when her partner pulled away, even slightly, it didn't just feel frustrating. It felt like emotional abandonment. There was one moment she described. She asked, do you want to go away this weekend? And he said he already had plans. On the surface, That's a simple interaction. But for her nervous system, it landed as rejection. And she responded with anger. You never want to spend time with me. You don't care. And in that moment, he didn't hear her fear. He heard criticism. He heard, you're not enough. And so he did what many withdrawers do. He shut down, he asked for space, and eventually he withdrew completely. And there they were, she feeling abandoned and alone, him feeling inadequate and defeated, both hurting, both protecting themselves, neither feeling truly seen. Many pursuers grew up in environments where care was inconsistent. where love was unpredictable, where attention had to be earned, or where emotional needs were met with withdrawal or dismissal. And over time, a child adapts, they learn. If I want connection, I have to fight for it. And often alongside that, my feelings are too much. So vulnerability starts to feel unsafe. And instead of saying, I feel scared, I feel alone, they protest, they push, they criticize, they reach in the only way that feels available. And this is where everything begins to shift. Because when a withdrawing partner can start to see this clearly, when they can understand that the protest is not about failure, but about longing, something softens. They can begin to separate. This isn't about me not being enough. This is about my partner being afraid of losing me. And that shift creates space. And from there, the pursuer can begin to take a different kind of risk. Instead of protest, they begin to move toward vulnerability. They start to say, I miss you. I feel disconnected. I need you. And these are the moments that begin to change everything. Because ultimately, it's not that pursuers are always dissatisfied. It's that they are often feeling disconnected and their protest is a desperate attempt to restore connection. So if you're listening today, whether you find yourself more on the pursuing side or the withdrawing side, I hope this help you see something a little more clearly. Not just the behavior, but what's underneath it. Because this is where Project Secure Attachment begins. Not by fixing communication, not by trying to win conflict, but by slowing the moment down. and asking, what is the fear here? What is the longing? What is this reaction trying to protect? Because when you see the fear underneath the pattern, you stop fighting each other and start finding your way back to each other. Thank you so much for being here with me and I'll catch you soon with another episode.