Latest / The Daily Sarcast / July 28th, 2026: Cheating In Central Park, Baltimore Changing Their 911 Program And An Update On My Dating Life

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July 28th, 2026: Cheating In Central Park, Baltimore Changing Their 911 Program And An Update On My Dating Life · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  This episode is sponsored by Delulu Premium, the app that tells you exactly what you want to hear.
• 0:06
  Like, he didn't ghost you. His phone just fell into the Hudson.
• 0:10
  Your boss isn't mad. They're just expressive.
• 0:14
  No, that's not procrastinating. That's strategic waiting.
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  Delulu Premium. Reality is free. Optimism costs $14.99 a month.
• 0:24
  Not all road users are sober. the french police warning drivers about deer getting
• 0:29
  drunk on fermented fruit and just walking across the road because why would they know not to,
• 0:36
  insert theme song here this is the daily sarcast i give you the news and maybe
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  a laugh i'm lindsey vernick and today is july 28th 2026 okay so two really big things,
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  one the daily sarcast is now officially a monetized podcast i know so exciting right
• 0:56
  it's about a year and a half and now more or less so i'm sorry that now you
• 1:01
  actually have to listen to real ads,
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  i am also really excited to announce the daily starcast summer residency,
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  even though it does go into september so starting next month you have the opportunity
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  to host at least one episode of the daily starcast there's a google form that
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  somebody that you think might have fun with it, please let me know.
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  Sign up and yeah, I'm excited to have you on.
• 1:38
  So in real news, so if you make out in Central Park now, you might accidentally
• 1:44
  become like viral on TikTok.
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  There's this video of two people dressed up in business attire kissing on a
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  park bench. And it went viral after the person filming them was like,
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  get a room. There's kids around.
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  So this couple immediately tried to hide their faces. And which,
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  of course, the Internet only became more interested.
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  So within hours, social media detectives claimed they identified the pair as
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  lawyers from the same prestigious Manhattan law firm.
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  They're saying that one is a partner and one is an associate and they're both
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  in other relationships.
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  None of that has been publicly confirmed by the people involved,
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  but obviously that hasn't stopped the internet from turning LinkedIn into CSI.
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  This whole thing has divided people. Half the internet is like,
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  wow, what a scandal. The other half is like, maybe you shouldn't be filming
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  random people in the park.
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  So if you're having an affair in New York, apparently the safest place is in Times Square.
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  Everyone there is way too busy avoiding Elmo to notice you.
• 2:48
  If you think you've had a rough month recently, this guy would like to talk to you.
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  A 39-year-old California man was found alive after spending more than a month
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  drifting alone in the Pacific Ocean.
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  His solo sailing trip to Hawaii went sideways when his mask snapped,
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  then his phone died, and he ran out of fuel.
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  So basically every single thing that you need in the middle of the ocean.
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  He survived on oatmeal, fish, squid that literally landed in his boat,
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  and by collecting condensation for drinking water.
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  Doesn't really sound like the all-inclusive cruise package, does it?
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  He spent days crying and even considered giving up before figuring out makeshift
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  repairs with PVC pipes and kayak paddles.
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  Eventually, he drifted back into a shipping lane where a cargo ship spotted
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  him and rescued him about 900 miles off of Hawaii.
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  The craziest part about all of this is that he still plans to sail again.
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  Good for him, though. That's just one hell of a reminder that people are a lot tougher than we think.
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  But also, maybe like bring a backup phone next time.
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  Baltimore is about to make 911 a lot more than just about the police, fire, and ambulances.
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  The city really wants to expand its emergency response system.
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  So instead of just immediately sending police, firefighters, or ambulances,
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  they'll dispatch trained specialists for things like mental health crises,
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  addiction issues, homelessness, is that a word, and other non-violent situations.
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  Because Baltimore actually wants to help people. And instead of just like
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  having a shitty cop show up to like a mental health breakdown who literally
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  doesn't know what to do other than to arrest somebody, they actually want to
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  send somebody who can really help the situation, which is kind of cool, right?
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  Also, they want to free up the police and EMTs to help them respond faster to
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  actual emergencies while connecting people to things that can solve the problem.
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  So it all kind of works out for everybody. It's a win-win.
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  In Lindsay life, let's call this one what fresh dating hell has happened to me this week.
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  Let me tell you, dating this past week has been like a roller coaster for me.
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  So I matched with this one guy on Bumble and I, God, I really hope he doesn't
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  listen to this, but if he does, hey, I'm not talking about you.
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  So I matched with him actually last Monday now and we've been like texting a
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  whole bunch and things kind of got a little weird one night and a little too
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  risque for me. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's like,
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  let's slow this one down.
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  We haven't even met yet like okay red flag right.
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  So we're trying to meet up and we honestly for both of us we just can't figure
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  out a time that works and I thought you know what maybe on Friday night there
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  was like some crazy off chance that like he can make it work with me and I was so bummed,
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  because I didn't get to hear back from him I was really disappointed I was really
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  looking forward to going out with him right,
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  but then a little bit later Friday night I matched with this other guy on Bumble.
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  Let's call him Sandrew. And Sandrew and I are texting about meeting up on Saturday the following day.
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  Anyway, kind of a long story short. So I was out with my girlfriend on Saturday,
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  Miriam. She's the best. I don't need to smudge her name.
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  So we are out and I was like texting with Sandrew and we were talking about
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  like meeting up for a drink at like nine o'clock at night,
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  so and I was like Miriam just come on the date with me so I bring Miriam on
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  the date because I was like you know what if he doesn't like me for me then
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  like this is just me and if he can't go along with a friend being here then like screw him right.
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  So Miriam and I get to the bar and Sandrew is wasted because he just came from
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  like the end of the season kickball, like Velo, who has like a kickball league in the city.
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  He was like absolutely hammered from that open bar.
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  And he told me that none of his teammates showed up, which was also red flag at the time.
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  But, you know, I was just excited to go on this date. I thought he was super cute.
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  Anyway, so he gets super weirded out that Miriam is there.
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  And Miriam's like okay like I'm sorry like I'm gonna go then and I was like
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  no Miriam and she's like no like I want like she's so excited for me to meet
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  somebody so like she was like don't worry about this right like it's fine so
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  she's like let me just finish my drink and then I'm gonna leave,
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  so as like she's you know finishing her drink she's trying to talk to Sandru and Sandru,
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  had no interest in talking to Miriam so that just made it like super awkward
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  and I'm like you can't have a 30 second conversation with my friend.
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  I also was like, by the way, Sandro, like if this works out,
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  I told Miriam that she has to make a speech at our wedding.
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  And I thought he would find that funny. But I think he was also just like too
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  wasted. And also like, that's just me. That's.
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  So Miriam leaves and I thought we had like a great first date.
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  He pretty much like loved Bami, but like also like there was great chemistry.
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  We were laughing. We actually kissed.
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  He talked about wanting to take me out on like a real date. And I was like,
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  oh, wow, like this could actually be the start of something really good.
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  But then like 24 hours later, he texts me and was like, sorry,
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  I didn't feel a connection. Like what?
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  You asked me for date number two before date number one was over,
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  so sorry if that was too big of a lindsay life update i just felt like i needed
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  to share this little dating story with you guys,
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  and i'm sorry for literally everyone who has to hear this story twice because
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  i've told everybody by now at this point so yeah might be taking a break from
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  dating might also go on a date tomorrow. Literally, who knows anymore?
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  Lindsay Lessons. A lesson by Linz.
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  Okay, well, the first one is don't bring your friends on a date. That's my first lesson.
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  But the second lesson is that they didn't die. They just ghosted you.
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  Because your brain has already written like this crazy true crime documentary,
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  like maybe their phone broke. Maybe they just got kidnapped.
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  No, they're just watching Netflix, ordering DoorDash, and just,
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  like, not thinking about you.
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  Because the lesson is, if someone wants to talk to you, they will.
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  And if they disappear without a word, don't waste your time trying to become
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  an FBI profiler, trying to decode their latest text and where they are via LinkedIn.
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  Closure is great, but, you know, peace is better.
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  So drink some water, and remember, if they come back in three weeks later with,
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  hey, sorry, it's been crazy, congratulations, now you get to ghost them.
• 9:46
  Cooking tip of the day. Popcorn is actually healthier than you think.
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  Not the movie theater popcorn, though.
• 9:52
  Feedback, comments, questions, and nice Jewish by looking for a date,
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  email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com.
• 9:58
  Thank you so much for listening today. If you've made it to the end of this,
• 10:01
  And don't forget to sign up for the summer residency.