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Note 63: Stop Abandoning Yourself When Things Get Uncomfortable · Notes to Her

• 0:00
  Foreign.
• 0:15
  Hey,
• 0:16
  girl.
• 0:16
  Hey.
• 0:16
  Welcome
• 0:16
  back
• 0:17
  to
• 0:17
  Notes
• 0:17
  to
• 0:17
  Her,
• 0:17
  the
• 0:17
  daily
• 0:18
  Pap
• 0:18
  Talk.
• 0:18
  I'm
• 0:19
  Yaya,
• 0:19
  your
• 0:20
  confidence
• 0:20
  and
• 0:20
  mindset
• 0:21
  coach,
• 0:21
  here
• 0:21
  to
• 0:21
  remind
• 0:22
  you
• 0:22
  that
• 0:22
  the
• 0:22
  most
• 0:22
  important
• 0:23
  relationship
• 0:23
  you
• 0:24
  will
• 0:24
  ever
• 0:24
  have
• 0:25
  is
• 0:25
  the
• 0:25
  one
• 0:25
  that
• 0:25
  you
• 0:26
  have
• 0:26
  with
• 0:26
  yourself.
• 0:27
  And
• 0:27
  this
• 0:27
  note,
• 0:28
  this
• 0:28
  one
• 0:28
  is
• 0:28
  a
• 0:29
  call
• 0:29
  in,
• 0:30
  not
• 0:30
  a
• 0:30
  call
• 0:30
  out.
• 0:31
  Because
• 0:31
  there's
• 0:32
  a
• 0:32
  pattern
• 0:32
  that
• 0:32
  I
• 0:32
  see
• 0:33
  in
• 0:33
  so
• 0:33
  many
• 0:33
  ambitious,
• 0:35
  capable,
• 0:36
  talented
• 0:36
  women.
• 0:37
  And
• 0:37
  it
• 0:37
  doesn't
• 0:38
  look
• 0:38
  like
• 0:38
  weakness.
• 0:39
  It
• 0:39
  doesn't
• 0:40
  look
• 0:40
  like
• 0:40
  failure.
• 0:41
  It
• 0:41
  actually
• 0:42
  looks
• 0:42
  like
• 0:42
  being
• 0:42
  a
• 0:43
  good
• 0:43
  person.
• 0:44
  Now,
• 0:45
  being
• 0:45
  a
• 0:45
  good
• 0:45
  person
• 0:45
  definitely
• 0:46
  is
• 0:46
  not
• 0:46
  a
• 0:46
  bad
• 0:47
  thing,
• 0:47
  but
• 0:47
  when
• 0:48
  it's
• 0:48
  costing
• 0:49
  you
• 0:49
  everything,
• 0:50
  it's
• 0:50
  time
• 0:51
  that
• 0:51
  we
• 0:51
  talk
• 0:51
  about
• 0:51
  it.
• 1:02
  Now,
• 1:02
  I
• 1:02
  want
• 1:02
  to
• 1:02
  tell
• 1:03
  you
• 1:03
  about
• 1:03
  a
• 1:03
  former
• 1:03
  client
• 1:04
  of
• 1:04
  mine.
• 1:04
  We're
• 1:04
  going
• 1:04
  to
• 1:04
  call
• 1:04
  her
• 1:05
  Bianca.
• 1:06
  Bianca
• 1:06
  was
• 1:06
  the
• 1:07
  kind
• 1:07
  of
• 1:07
  woman
• 1:07
  who
• 1:07
  had
• 1:08
  it
• 1:08
  together
• 1:08
  on
• 1:09
  paper.
• 1:10
  Smart,
• 1:11
  driven,
• 1:12
  the
• 1:12
  only
• 1:12
  woman
• 1:13
  in
• 1:13
  her
• 1:13
  entire
• 1:14
  department,
• 1:15
  which,
• 1:15
  let's
• 1:16
  be
• 1:16
  honest,
• 1:16
  that
• 1:16
  already
• 1:17
  comes
• 1:17
  with
• 1:17
  its
• 1:17
  own
• 1:17
  kind
• 1:18
  of
• 1:18
  invisible
• 1:18
  weight.
• 1:20
  She
• 1:20
  had
• 1:20
  been
• 1:20
  in
• 1:20
  a
• 1:20
  relationship
• 1:21
  for
• 1:21
  three
• 1:21
  years,
• 1:22
  one
• 1:22
  that
• 1:22
  had
• 1:23
  started
• 1:23
  with
• 1:23
  so
• 1:23
  much
• 1:24
  hope,
• 1:24
  so
• 1:24
  much
• 1:25
  potential.
• 1:26
  She
• 1:26
  imagined
• 1:26
  what
• 1:27
  it
• 1:27
  could
• 1:27
  be,
• 1:28
  what
• 1:28
  she
• 1:29
  thought
• 1:29
  they
• 1:29
  were
• 1:29
  going
• 1:30
  to
• 1:30
  be.
• 1:31
  And
• 1:31
  she
• 1:31
  held
• 1:31
  onto
• 1:32
  that
• 1:32
  image
• 1:32
  for
• 1:33
  a
• 1:33
  long
• 1:33
  time,
• 1:34
  while
• 1:34
  somewhere
• 1:35
  along
• 1:35
  the
• 1:35
  way,
• 1:35
  the
• 1:36
  relationship
• 1:36
  stopped
• 1:37
  going
• 1:37
  the
• 1:37
  way
• 1:37
  that
• 1:37
  she
• 1:37
  had
• 1:37
  hoped.
• 1:38
  And
• 1:38
  instead
• 1:39
  of
• 1:39
  speaking
• 1:39
  up,
• 1:40
  Bianca
• 1:41
  went
• 1:41
  quiet.
• 1:42
  Not
• 1:42
  overnight,
• 1:43
  slowly,
• 1:45
  the
• 1:45
  way
• 1:45
  you
• 1:45
  turn
• 1:46
  a
• 1:46
  volume
• 1:46
  knob
• 1:47
  down
• 1:47
  gradually,
• 1:48
  until
• 1:49
  one
• 1:49
  day
• 1:49
  you
• 1:49
  realize
• 1:50
  you
• 1:50
  can
• 1:50
  barely
• 1:50
  hear
• 1:51
  yourself
• 1:51
  at
• 1:51
  all.
• 1:52
  She
• 1:53
  stopped
• 1:53
  sharing
• 1:53
  how
• 1:54
  she
• 1:54
  really
• 1:54
  felt.
• 1:55
  She
• 1:55
  stopped
• 1:56
  asking
• 1:56
  for
• 1:56
  what
• 1:56
  she
• 1:56
  needed.
• 1:58
  She
• 1:58
  convinced
• 1:58
  herself
• 1:59
  that
• 1:59
  keeping
• 1:59
  peace
• 2:00
  was
• 2:00
  better
• 2:00
  than
• 2:00
  disrupting
• 2:01
  it.
• 2:02
  That
• 2:03
  maybe
• 2:03
  if
• 2:03
  she
• 2:03
  was
• 2:04
  patient
• 2:04
  enough,
• 2:05
  understanding
• 2:06
  enough,
• 2:07
  accommodating
• 2:07
  enough,
• 2:08
  things
• 2:09
  would
• 2:09
  shift.
• 2:11
  And
• 2:11
  at
• 2:11
  work,
• 2:12
  same
• 2:12
  story,
• 2:13
  different
• 2:13
  stage.
• 2:16
  Bianca
• 2:17
  was
• 2:17
  brilliant,
• 2:18
  but
• 2:18
  she
• 2:19
  was
• 2:19
  the
• 2:19
  only
• 2:19
  woman
• 2:20
  in
• 2:20
  the
• 2:20
  room.
• 2:20
  And
• 2:21
  that
• 2:21
  made
• 2:21
  her
• 2:21
  really
• 2:22
  feel
• 2:22
  like
• 2:22
  she
• 2:23
  was
• 2:23
  always
• 2:23
  being
• 2:24
  evaluated,
• 2:25
  always
• 2:25
  being
• 2:26
  watched,
• 2:27
  always
• 2:27
  one
• 2:28
  wrong
• 2:28
  move
• 2:28
  away
• 2:29
  from
• 2:29
  being
• 2:29
  dismissed.
• 2:30
  So
• 2:31
  she
• 2:31
  over
• 2:31
  explained
• 2:32
  everything.
• 2:33
  Every
• 2:33
  idea,
• 2:34
  every
• 2:35
  recommendation,
• 2:36
  every
• 2:37
  decision.
• 2:38
  She
• 2:38
  would
• 2:38
  wrap
• 2:39
  in
• 2:39
  so
• 2:39
  many
• 2:39
  qualifiers
• 2:40
  and
• 2:40
  justifications
• 2:41
  that
• 2:41
  by
• 2:41
  the
• 2:41
  time
• 2:41
  she
• 2:42
  finished,
• 2:42
  she
• 2:43
  had
• 2:43
  already
• 2:43
  undermined
• 2:44
  the
• 2:44
  very
• 2:44
  point
• 2:45
  that
• 2:45
  she
• 2:45
  was
• 2:45
  trying
• 2:46
  to
• 2:46
  make.
• 2:47
  She
• 2:47
  would
• 2:48
  people
• 2:48
  please
• 2:48
  her
• 2:48
  way
• 2:49
  through
• 2:49
  meetings,
• 2:49
  agree
• 2:50
  to
• 2:50
  things
• 2:50
  that
• 2:50
  didn't
• 2:51
  sit
• 2:51
  right,
• 2:52
  smile
• 2:52
  when
• 2:52
  she
• 2:53
  wanted
• 2:53
  to
• 2:53
  push
• 2:53
  back
• 2:54
  and
• 2:54
  volunteer
• 2:55
  for
• 2:55
  tasks
• 2:55
  when
• 2:55
  she
• 2:55
  didn't
• 2:56
  have
• 2:56
  the
• 2:56
  capacity
• 2:56
  for
• 2:57
  them
• 2:57
  because
• 2:57
  she
• 2:58
  didn't
• 2:58
  want
• 2:58
  to
• 2:58
  seem
• 2:58
  difficult.
• 2:59
  And
• 3:00
  when
• 3:00
  the
• 3:00
  tension
• 3:00
  rose,
• 3:01
  she
• 3:01
  silenced
• 3:02
  herself
• 3:02
  before
• 3:03
  anyone
• 3:03
  else
• 3:03
  could
• 3:04
  silence
• 3:04
  her.
• 3:06
  Bianca
• 3:06
  thought
• 3:07
  she
• 3:07
  was
• 3:07
  being
• 3:07
  professional,
• 3:09
  thoughtful,
• 3:10
  easy
• 3:10
  to
• 3:11
  work
• 3:11
  with.
• 3:12
  But
• 3:12
  what
• 3:12
  she
• 3:12
  was
• 3:13
  actually
• 3:13
  doing
• 3:14
  in
• 3:14
  her
• 3:14
  relationship,
• 3:16
  in
• 3:16
  her
• 3:16
  career,
• 3:17
  in
• 3:17
  her
• 3:17
  daily
• 3:18
  life,
• 3:18
  was
• 3:19
  abandoning
• 3:19
  herself
• 3:20
  one
• 3:21
  uncomfortable
• 3:21
  moment
• 3:22
  at
• 3:22
  a
• 3:22
  time.
• 3:24
  Now,
• 3:24
  I
• 3:24
  need
• 3:24
  you
• 3:24
  to
• 3:24
  hear
• 3:25
  this
• 3:25
  because
• 3:25
  I
• 3:26
  know
• 3:26
  that
• 3:26
  Bianca's
• 3:27
  story
• 3:27
  might
• 3:28
  sound
• 3:28
  familiar.
• 3:30
  Maybe
• 3:30
  not
• 3:30
  in
• 3:31
  every
• 3:31
  detail,
• 3:32
  but
• 3:32
  in
• 3:32
  the
• 3:32
  feeling.
• 3:33
  The
• 3:34
  feeling
• 3:34
  of
• 3:34
  swallowing
• 3:35
  something
• 3:35
  you
• 3:35
  should
• 3:35
  have
• 3:36
  said.
• 3:36
  The
• 3:37
  feeling
• 3:37
  of
• 3:37
  agreeing
• 3:38
  when
• 3:38
  every
• 3:38
  part
• 3:38
  of
• 3:39
  you
• 3:39
  wants
• 3:39
  to
• 3:39
  push
• 3:39
  back.
• 3:40
  The
• 3:41
  feeling
• 3:41
  of
• 3:41
  making
• 3:41
  yourself
• 3:42
  smaller.
• 3:42
  Said
• 3:42
  that
• 3:43
  the
• 3:43
  room
• 3:43
  would
• 3:43
  feel
• 3:44
  more
• 3:44
  comfortable
• 3:45
  for
• 3:45
  everyone
• 3:46
  except
• 3:46
  you.
• 3:48
  Self
• 3:48
  abandonment
• 3:48
  doesn't
• 3:49
  always
• 3:49
  look
• 3:50
  dramatic.
• 3:51
  Sometimes
• 3:51
  it's
• 3:51
  over
• 3:51
  explaining
• 3:52
  when
• 3:52
  you
• 3:52
  don't
• 3:53
  owe
• 3:53
  anyone
• 3:54
  a
• 3:54
  dissertation.
• 3:55
  Sometimes
• 3:56
  it
• 3:56
  looks
• 3:56
  like
• 3:56
  people
• 3:57
  pleasing
• 3:58
  not
• 3:58
  because
• 3:58
  you
• 3:58
  don't
• 3:59
  generally
• 3:59
  want
• 3:59
  to
• 3:59
  help,
• 4:00
  but
• 4:00
  because
• 4:00
  you're
• 4:01
  terrified
• 4:01
  of
• 4:01
  what
• 4:02
  happens
• 4:03
  if
• 4:03
  you
• 4:03
  don't.
• 4:05
  Sometimes
• 4:05
  it
• 4:06
  looks
• 4:06
  like
• 4:06
  silencing
• 4:06
  yourself
• 4:07
  mid
• 4:07
  thought
• 4:08
  because
• 4:08
  you've
• 4:09
  talked
• 4:09
  yourself
• 4:09
  out
• 4:10
  of
• 4:10
  your
• 4:10
  own
• 4:10
  opinion
• 4:11
  before
• 4:11
  anyone
• 4:12
  else
• 4:12
  has
• 4:13
  a
• 4:13
  chance
• 4:13
  to.
• 4:14
  And
• 4:15
  sometimes
• 4:15
  it
• 4:15
  looks
• 4:15
  like
• 4:15
  delaying
• 4:16
  a
• 4:16
  decision.
• 4:17
  A
• 4:17
  hard
• 4:18
  conversation,
• 4:19
  a
• 4:19
  boundary,
• 4:20
  a
• 4:20
  truth.
• 4:21
  Because
• 4:21
  the
• 4:21
  idea
• 4:22
  of
• 4:22
  discomfort
• 4:22
  feels
• 4:23
  like
• 4:23
  more
• 4:23
  than
• 4:23
  you
• 4:24
  can
• 4:24
  handle
• 4:24
  right
• 4:24
  now.
• 4:26
  Now
• 4:26
  every
• 4:27
  single
• 4:27
  one
• 4:27
  of
• 4:28
  these
• 4:28
  moments
• 4:29
  is
• 4:29
  a
• 4:29
  moment
• 4:30
  when
• 4:30
  you
• 4:30
  choose
• 4:31
  the
• 4:31
  relationship,
• 4:32
  the
• 4:32
  room,
• 4:32
  the
• 4:33
  comfort
• 4:33
  of
• 4:33
  others
• 4:34
  over
• 4:35
  yourself.
• 4:36
  And
• 4:36
  if
• 4:37
  you
• 4:37
  do
• 4:37
  that
• 4:37
  enough
• 4:37
  times,
• 4:38
  you
• 4:38
  stop
• 4:38
  being
• 4:39
  able
• 4:39
  to
• 4:39
  find
• 4:39
  yourself
• 4:40
  at
• 4:40
  all.
• 4:43
  Now
• 4:43
  I
• 4:43
  don't
• 4:43
  want
• 4:43
  you
• 4:43
  to
• 4:43
  walk
• 4:44
  away
• 4:44
  from
• 4:44
  this
• 4:44
  episode
• 4:45
  feeling
• 4:45
  ashamed
• 4:45
  of
• 4:46
  yourself.
• 4:46
  That
• 4:46
  is
• 4:46
  not
• 4:47
  my
• 4:47
  goal
• 4:47
  here
• 4:47
  at
• 4:47
  all.
• 4:48
  But
• 4:48
  here's
• 4:49
  the
• 4:49
  truth.
• 4:49
  Self
• 4:50
  abandonment
• 4:50
  does
• 4:51
  not
• 4:51
  come
• 4:51
  from
• 4:51
  weakness.
• 4:52
  It
• 4:52
  it
• 4:52
  comes
• 4:52
  from
• 4:53
  a
• 4:53
  very
• 4:53
  reasonable
• 4:54
  belief
• 4:55
  that
• 4:55
  was
• 4:55
  formed
• 4:56
  from
• 4:56
  an
• 4:57
  unreasonable
• 4:58
  moment.
• 4:59
  At
• 4:59
  some
• 4:59
  point
• 4:59
  in
• 4:59
  your
• 5:00
  life,
• 5:00
  maybe
• 5:01
  early,
• 5:01
  maybe
• 5:02
  recently,
• 5:03
  someone
• 5:03
  told
• 5:04
  you
• 5:04
  that
• 5:04
  your
• 5:04
  feelings
• 5:05
  were
• 5:05
  too
• 5:05
  much,
• 5:06
  or
• 5:06
  that
• 5:07
  speaking
• 5:07
  out
• 5:07
  made
• 5:08
  things
• 5:08
  worse,
• 5:09
  or
• 5:09
  that
• 5:09
  making
• 5:10
  others
• 5:10
  comfortable
• 5:11
  kept
• 5:11
  you
• 5:11
  safe.
• 5:13
  You
• 5:13
  learned
• 5:13
  to
• 5:13
  disappear
• 5:14
  a
• 5:14
  little,
• 5:14
  to
• 5:14
  survive
• 5:15
  a
• 5:15
  little.
• 5:16
  And
• 5:17
  that
• 5:17
  made
• 5:17
  sense
• 5:17
  then.
• 5:19
  But
• 5:19
  you're
• 5:19
  not
• 5:19
  in
• 5:20
  that
• 5:20
  moment
• 5:20
  anymore.
• 5:22
  And
• 5:22
  the
• 5:22
  patterns
• 5:23
  that
• 5:23
  kept
• 5:23
  you
• 5:23
  safe
• 5:23
  once
• 5:24
  are
• 5:24
  now
• 5:24
  the
• 5:24
  patterns
• 5:25
  that
• 5:25
  are
• 5:25
  keeping
• 5:25
  you
• 5:26
  stuck.
• 5:28
  Bianca
• 5:29
  didn't
• 5:29
  go
• 5:29
  quiet
• 5:29
  in
• 5:29
  her
• 5:30
  relationship
• 5:30
  because
• 5:30
  she
• 5:30
  was
• 5:31
  spineless.
• 5:32
  She
• 5:32
  went
• 5:32
  quiet
• 5:32
  because
• 5:33
  three
• 5:33
  years
• 5:34
  of
• 5:34
  unmet
• 5:34
  hope
• 5:35
  had
• 5:35
  taught
• 5:36
  her
• 5:36
  that
• 5:36
  speaking
• 5:36
  up
• 5:37
  led
• 5:37
  to
• 5:37
  conflict.
• 5:38
  And
• 5:38
  conflict
• 5:39
  felt
• 5:39
  like
• 5:39
  the
• 5:39
  end
• 5:39
  of
• 5:40
  something
• 5:40
  that
• 5:40
  she
• 5:40
  was
• 5:41
  not
• 5:41
  ready
• 5:41
  to
• 5:41
  let
• 5:41
  go.
• 5:42
  She
• 5:43
  didn't
• 5:43
  know
• 5:43
  where
• 5:43
  to
• 5:43
  explain
• 5:44
  at
• 5:44
  work
• 5:44
  because
• 5:44
  she
• 5:44
  lacked
• 5:45
  confidence
• 5:45
  in
• 5:45
  her
• 5:46
  ideas.
• 5:47
  She
• 5:47
  over
• 5:47
  explained
• 5:48
  because
• 5:48
  being
• 5:48
  the
• 5:49
  only
• 5:49
  woman
• 5:49
  in
• 5:50
  the
• 5:50
  room
• 5:50
  had
• 5:50
  conditioned
• 5:51
  her
• 5:51
  to
• 5:51
  feel
• 5:51
  like
• 5:51
  she
• 5:52
  always
• 5:53
  had
• 5:53
  to
• 5:53
  justify
• 5:54
  her
• 5:54
  seat
• 5:54
  at
• 5:54
  the
• 5:55
  table.
• 5:57
  That
• 5:57
  pattern
• 5:58
  makes
• 5:58
  sense,
• 5:59
  but
• 5:59
  the
• 5:59
  pattern
• 6:00
  has
• 6:00
  to
• 6:01
  change.
• 6:03
  Now
• 6:03
  here's
• 6:03
  the
• 6:03
  thing
• 6:04
  that
• 6:04
  I
• 6:04
  need
• 6:04
  to
• 6:05
  plant
• 6:05
  in
• 6:05
  you
• 6:05
  today
• 6:06
  because
• 6:06
  this
• 6:06
  might
• 6:06
  be
• 6:07
  the
• 6:07
  most
• 6:07
  important
• 6:08
  shift
• 6:08
  of
• 6:08
  this
• 6:09
  entire
• 6:10
  conversation.
• 6:12
  Discomfort
• 6:12
  is
• 6:13
  not
• 6:13
  danger.
• 6:14
  I'm
• 6:14
  going
• 6:14
  to
• 6:15
  say
• 6:15
  it
• 6:15
  again.
• 6:16
  Discomfort
• 6:18
  is
• 6:18
  not
• 6:19
  danger.
• 6:21
  Your
• 6:21
  body
• 6:22
  doesn't
• 6:22
  always
• 6:23
  know
• 6:23
  the
• 6:23
  difference.
• 6:24
  When
• 6:24
  you're
• 6:25
  about
• 6:25
  to
• 6:25
  have
• 6:25
  a
• 6:25
  hard
• 6:25
  conversation,
• 6:26
  your
• 6:26
  heart
• 6:27
  races,
• 6:27
  your
• 6:27
  palms
• 6:28
  sweat.
• 6:29
  You
• 6:29
  feel
• 6:29
  that
• 6:29
  pull
• 6:30
  in
• 6:30
  your
• 6:30
  chest
• 6:30
  to
• 6:30
  back
• 6:31
  down
• 6:31
  to
• 6:31
  soften,
• 6:32
  to
• 6:32
  find
• 6:32
  a
• 6:32
  way
• 6:32
  out.
• 6:33
  And
• 6:34
  your
• 6:34
  nervous
• 6:34
  system
• 6:35
  files
• 6:35
  that
• 6:35
  under
• 6:36
  threat.
• 6:38
  But
• 6:38
  speaking
• 6:39
  your
• 6:39
  truth
• 6:39
  is
• 6:39
  not
• 6:39
  a
• 6:39
  threat.
• 6:40
  Setting
• 6:41
  standards
• 6:41
  is
• 6:41
  not
• 6:41
  a
• 6:42
  threat.
• 6:42
  Holding
• 6:43
  your
• 6:43
  ground
• 6:44
  and
• 6:44
  meanings
• 6:45
  is
• 6:45
  not
• 6:45
  a
• 6:45
  threat.
• 6:47
  Staying
• 6:47
  silent
• 6:48
  is
• 6:48
  the
• 6:49
  actual
• 6:49
  danger.
• 6:50
  Because
• 6:50
  every
• 6:51
  time
• 6:51
  you
• 6:51
  abandon
• 6:52
  yourself
• 6:52
  in
• 6:52
  a
• 6:52
  moment
• 6:52
  of
• 6:53
  discomfort,
• 6:53
  you
• 6:54
  send
• 6:54
  yourself
• 6:54
  a
• 6:55
  message.
• 6:56
  You
• 6:56
  tell
• 6:56
  yourself
• 6:57
  my
• 6:58
  feelings
• 6:58
  don't
• 6:58
  matter
• 6:59
  enough
• 6:59
  to
• 6:59
  protect.
• 7:01
  You
• 7:01
  tell
• 7:01
  yourself
• 7:02
  keeping
• 7:03
  the
• 7:03
  peace
• 7:03
  is
• 7:04
  worth
• 7:04
  more
• 7:04
  than
• 7:04
  my
• 7:04
  peace.
• 7:06
  You
• 7:06
  tell
• 7:07
  yourself
• 7:08
  I
• 7:08
  am
• 7:08
  negotiable
• 7:11
  and
• 7:11
  you
• 7:11
  are
• 7:11
  not
• 7:12
  negotiable.
• 7:13
  You
• 7:13
  never
• 7:14
  were.
• 7:16
  So
• 7:16
  what
• 7:17
  does
• 7:17
  it
• 7:17
  look
• 7:17
  like
• 7:17
  to
• 7:17
  stop
• 7:18
  abandoning
• 7:19
  yourself?
• 7:20
  It
• 7:20
  doesn't
• 7:20
  mean
• 7:20
  starting
• 7:21
  fights.
• 7:22
  It
• 7:22
  doesn't
• 7:22
  mean
• 7:23
  blowing
• 7:23
  up
• 7:24
  in
• 7:24
  relationships
• 7:25
  or
• 7:25
  becoming
• 7:26
  someone
• 7:26
  who
• 7:26
  is
• 7:26
  impossible
• 7:27
  to
• 7:27
  be
• 7:27
  around.
• 7:28
  It
• 7:28
  means
• 7:29
  staying.
• 7:30
  Staying
• 7:31
  in
• 7:31
  the
• 7:31
  discomfort
• 7:31
  long
• 7:32
  enough
• 7:32
  to
• 7:32
  say
• 7:32
  the
• 7:33
  thing
• 7:33
  that
• 7:33
  you
• 7:33
  have
• 7:33
  been
• 7:33
  swallowing.
• 7:35
  Staying
• 7:35
  in
• 7:36
  the
• 7:36
  meeting
• 7:36
  long
• 7:36
  enough
• 7:36
  to
• 7:37
  offer
• 7:37
  the
• 7:37
  idea
• 7:37
  without
• 7:38
  burying
• 7:39
  it
• 7:39
  in
• 7:39
  an
• 7:40
  apology.
• 7:41
  Staying
• 7:42
  in
• 7:42
  a
• 7:42
  hard
• 7:42
  conversation
• 7:43
  long
• 7:43
  enough
• 7:43
  to
• 7:44
  stop
• 7:44
  performing
• 7:45
  calm
• 7:46
  when
• 7:46
  you
• 7:46
  actually
• 7:47
  need
• 7:47
  to
• 7:47
  be
• 7:47
  honest.
• 7:49
  Bianca
• 7:50
  eventually
• 7:51
  got
• 7:51
  there.
• 7:52
  Not
• 7:53
  all
• 7:53
  at
• 7:53
  once,
• 7:53
  because
• 7:54
  she
• 7:54
  started
• 7:54
  small.
• 7:55
  She
• 7:55
  made
• 7:55
  one
• 7:56
  decision
• 7:56
  she
• 7:56
  had
• 7:56
  been
• 7:57
  delaying
• 7:57
  for
• 7:57
  months.
• 7:58
  She
• 7:59
  said
• 7:59
  the
• 7:59
  thing
• 7:59
  in
• 7:59
  the
• 8:00
  meeting
• 8:00
  that
• 8:00
  she
• 8:00
  had
• 8:00
  been
• 8:00
  editing
• 8:01
  out
• 8:02
  every
• 8:03
  previous
• 8:04
  time
• 8:05
  she
• 8:06
  had
• 8:06
  the
• 8:06
  honest
• 8:06
  conversation
• 8:07
  in
• 8:07
  her
• 8:07
  relationship,
• 8:08
  the
• 8:08
  one
• 8:08
  that
• 8:08
  she
• 8:09
  had
• 8:09
  been
• 8:09
  circling
• 8:09
  over
• 8:10
  for
• 8:10
  a
• 8:10
  year.
• 8:12
  Some
• 8:12
  of
• 8:12
  those
• 8:12
  moments
• 8:13
  ended
• 8:13
  things.
• 8:14
  Some
• 8:14
  of
• 8:14
  them
• 8:15
  changed
• 8:15
  things.
• 8:16
  But
• 8:17
  all
• 8:17
  of
• 8:17
  them,
• 8:18
  every
• 8:18
  single
• 8:19
  one,
• 8:19
  gave
• 8:20
  her
• 8:20
  something
• 8:20
  that
• 8:20
  she
• 8:21
  hadn't
• 8:21
  felt
• 8:21
  in
• 8:21
  a
• 8:21
  long
• 8:22
  time.
• 8:23
  She
• 8:24
  gave
• 8:24
  herself
• 8:25
  back
• 8:25
  to
• 8:25
  herself.
• 8:26
  And
• 8:27
  that's
• 8:27
  what
• 8:27
  staying
• 8:28
  does.
• 8:29
  It's
• 8:29
  not
• 8:30
  about
• 8:30
  being
• 8:30
  fearless.
• 8:31
  It's
• 8:31
  about
• 8:31
  deciding
• 8:32
  that
• 8:32
  you
• 8:32
  are
• 8:32
  worth
• 8:32
  the
• 8:33
  discomfort
• 8:33
  of
• 8:34
  being
• 8:34
  fully
• 8:35
  known.
• 8:37
  Now
• 8:37
  I
• 8:37
  want
• 8:37
  to
• 8:38
  ask
• 8:38
  you
• 8:38
  something
• 8:38
  and
• 8:39
  give
• 8:39
  you
• 8:39
  something
• 8:39
  to
• 8:39
  think
• 8:40
  about
• 8:40
  for
• 8:40
  the
• 8:40
  rest
• 8:41
  of
• 8:41
  the
• 8:41
  day.
• 8:42
  Where
• 8:43
  have
• 8:43
  you
• 8:43
  been
• 8:43
  going
• 8:43
  quiet,
• 8:45
  not
• 8:46
  because
• 8:46
  you
• 8:46
  don't
• 8:47
  have
• 8:47
  anything
• 8:47
  to
• 8:47
  say,
• 8:47
  but
• 8:48
  because
• 8:48
  you've
• 8:48
  decided
• 8:48
  the
• 8:49
  room
• 8:49
  wasn't
• 8:49
  safe
• 8:50
  enough,
• 8:50
  or
• 8:50
  the
• 8:50
  relationship
• 8:51
  wasn't
• 8:51
  ready,
• 8:52
  or
• 8:52
  the
• 8:52
  timing
• 8:53
  wasn't
• 8:53
  right?
• 8:55
  Where
• 8:55
  have
• 8:55
  you
• 8:55
  been
• 8:56
  over
• 8:56
  explaining
• 8:57
  when
• 8:57
  a
• 8:57
  simple,
• 8:58
  confident
• 8:58
  answer
• 8:59
  could
• 8:59
  have
• 8:59
  just
• 8:59
  done
• 9:00
  fine?
• 9:01
  Where
• 9:02
  have
• 9:02
  you
• 9:02
  been?
• 9:02
  People
• 9:02
  pleasing
• 9:03
  your
• 9:03
  way
• 9:03
  through
• 9:03
  situations
• 9:04
  that
• 9:04
  were
• 9:04
  quietly
• 9:05
  eroding
• 9:06
  your
• 9:06
  self
• 9:06
  respect.
• 9:08
  And
• 9:09
  here's
• 9:09
  a
• 9:09
  deeper
• 9:09
  question.
• 9:10
  What
• 9:11
  is
• 9:11
  it
• 9:11
  costing
• 9:11
  you?
• 9:12
  Not
• 9:13
  them,
• 9:14
  not
• 9:14
  the
• 9:14
  relationship,
• 9:16
  not
• 9:16
  the
• 9:16
  team.
• 9:18
  You.
• 9:19
  What
• 9:20
  is
• 9:20
  staying
• 9:20
  silent
• 9:21
  costing
• 9:21
  each
• 9:22
  other?
• 9:22
  You?
• 9:23
  Because
• 9:23
  every
• 9:24
  time
• 9:24
  you
• 9:24
  abandon
• 9:24
  yourself,
• 9:25
  the
• 9:25
  distance
• 9:25
  between
• 9:26
  you
• 9:26
  and
• 9:27
  your
• 9:27
  confidence
• 9:28
  grows
• 9:28
  a
• 9:28
  little
• 9:28
  wider.
• 9:30
  Growth
• 9:31
  requires
• 9:32
  staying.
• 9:33
  Not
• 9:33
  staying
• 9:33
  in
• 9:34
  situations
• 9:34
  that
• 9:34
  harm
• 9:34
  you,
• 9:35
  but
• 9:35
  staying
• 9:35
  present
• 9:36
  with
• 9:36
  yourself.
• 9:37
  Staying
• 9:38
  true
• 9:38
  to
• 9:38
  yourself.
• 9:39
  Staying
• 9:40
  in
• 9:40
  the
• 9:40
  discomfort
• 9:41
  long
• 9:41
  enough
• 9:41
  to
• 9:41
  come
• 9:42
  through
• 9:42
  it
• 9:42
  as
• 9:42
  the
• 9:42
  woman
• 9:43
  that
• 9:43
  you
• 9:43
  are
• 9:44
  becoming
• 9:46
  today.
• 9:47
  I
• 9:47
  want
• 9:47
  to
• 9:47
  remember
• 9:47
  that
• 9:48
  you
• 9:48
  are
• 9:48
  not
• 9:48
  a
• 9:48
  supporting
• 9:49
  character
• 9:49
  in
• 9:50
  your
• 9:50
  own
• 9:50
  life.
• 9:51
  You
• 9:51
  do
• 9:51
  not
• 9:51
  exist
• 9:52
  to
• 9:52
  make
• 9:52
  every
• 9:52
  rule
• 9:53
  more
• 9:53
  comfortable
• 9:54
  while
• 9:54
  you
• 9:55
  quietly
• 9:55
  disappear
• 9:56
  from
• 9:56
  it.
• 9:57
  The
• 9:57
  tension
• 9:57
  you
• 9:57
  feel
• 9:58
  when
• 9:58
  you
• 9:58
  are
• 9:58
  about
• 9:58
  to
• 9:58
  speak
• 9:59
  your
• 9:59
  truth,
• 10:00
  that's
• 10:00
  not
• 10:00
  a
• 10:00
  stop
• 10:01
  sign.
• 10:01
  That's
• 10:02
  just
• 10:02
  the
• 10:02
  feeling
• 10:03
  of
• 10:03
  growth
• 10:03
  and
• 10:04
  you
• 10:04
  are
• 10:04
  capable
• 10:05
  of
• 10:05
  moving
• 10:06
  through
• 10:06
  it.
• 10:07
  Stop
• 10:08
  explaining,
• 10:09
  stop
• 10:09
  delaying,
• 10:10
  stop
• 10:11
  silencing
• 10:11
  the
• 10:11
  version
• 10:12
  of
• 10:12
  you
• 10:12
  who
• 10:12
  has
• 10:13
  something
• 10:13
  real
• 10:13
  to
• 10:14
  say.
• 10:15
  She
• 10:15
  deserves
• 10:15
  to
• 10:16
  be
• 10:16
  heard,
• 10:16
  expressed,
• 10:17
  especially
• 10:17
  by
• 10:18
  you,
• 10:19
  if
• 10:19
  you
• 10:20
  are
• 10:20
  ready
• 10:20
  to
• 10:20
  stop
• 10:21
  abandoning
• 10:21
  yourself
• 10:22
  and
• 10:22
  start
• 10:22
  doing
• 10:22
  the
• 10:22
  real
• 10:23
  work
• 10:23
  of
• 10:23
  becoming
• 10:24
  her.
• 10:25
  Becoming
• 10:25
  unapologetically
• 10:26
  is
• 10:27
  where
• 10:27
  we
• 10:27
  do
• 10:27
  that
• 10:27
  privately.
• 10:30
  Four
• 10:30
  weeks
• 10:31
  Real
• 10:31
  shift.
• 10:32
  A
• 10:32
  container
• 10:33
  built
• 10:33
  for
• 10:33
  the
• 10:33
  woman
• 10:33
  who
• 10:34
  was
• 10:34
  done
• 10:34
  playing
• 10:34
  it
• 10:35
  small
• 10:35
  and
• 10:36
  ready
• 10:36
  to
• 10:36
  actually
• 10:37
  change.
• 10:38
  Details
• 10:38
  are
• 10:38
  in
• 10:38
  the
• 10:39
  show
• 10:39
  Notes
• 10:40
  with
• 10:40
  Love
• 10:40
  Yaya.
• 10:46
  Sa.