Latest / Heal Yourself Podcast / Episode 8: Managing Family Triggers During the Holidays

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Episode 8: Managing Family Triggers During the Holidays · Heal Yourself Podcast

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I'm Denise, a speech-language pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist, and we are here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind and soul.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: From the latest in functional medicine to nurturing your relationship with yourself, healing trauma and even transforming your money story.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: So, whether you're looking to heal physically, emotionally or spiritually, join us as we explore the many paths to wholeness and wellness.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: All right, welcome to another episode of Heal Yourself Podcast with Kira and Denise, and today we're talking all about surviving family over the holidays.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: The holidays are coming up.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Kira and I talked about what are we going to talk about and we remembered we're like, oh, holidays, family triggers.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: So the episode is all about that, all right.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: So holidays can be very challenging, especially when it comes to family dynamics.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, just being with family can be triggering.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Just actually being a family is triggering.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: There is I mean, in some families it could be history, a possible trauma there could be.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: You know, parents are just overbearing.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: There could be you grew up in a passive-aggressive home.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: It could be things that right now you're unlearning to be the better version of you, but then when you're around them you're reminded like, oh, no wonder I'm unlearning all these things that's a hard one.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: Um, it is.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: I'm going to chime into divorces.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: Right Like clients tell me it's so hard for them or for their kids If it's like, well, we've got to go to multiple families, there's addictions, there's loss of family members, gone Um, single parenting, which goes divorces, I mean there's, there's so many.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Right Like listeners, I'm sure you're like and this and this and this and we're not.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like we love our families, don't get us wrong, but we, we, we see it.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Right Like families can be massive triggers over the holidays.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: I love the holidays, but I have to remember like sometimes even seeing stuff on social media like that's not the case for everyone, like holidays can be massive triggers and just not a fun time for people.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, and family interactions sometimes can revert to childhood roles or old dynamics, old patterns that you're again, you're trying to unlearn, you're working on yourself.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: It could trigger old painful experiences, including lack of boundaries, pleasing the parents, expectations that you can't meet.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: I mean, you're not a child anymore, so just remember what we talked about last week.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Right, the body keeps the score.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: So sometimes when you're around your family, automatically you'll be saying all the things, the beautiful things in your mind, but automatically you notice your body tensing or you notice your body just changing due to, sometimes emotional triggers that happened around these family members or happened on this home, et cetera.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: So that's where you know one look from your mom sometimes may, you know, take you back 15 years, but you're not 15.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: So that's why we want you also want to talk about it for you to be comfortable with who you have become, and that's why you know we want to talk about those things to also remind you that you have come so far.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So we don't want the emotional triggers during the holidays to affect the progress that we've made.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's you know what.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: That's such an interesting piece there too, because I didn't recognize that in the beginning, but, like if something triggered me, it's like why am I acting like I'm nine years old again?
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Because that trigger takes you back to that time, and so for so many childhood like you were at home for a lot of years right, most of us 18 plus years there's a lot of moments of potential traumatic events, triggers, whatever so can very easily take you back to that time and you're like wait, what the heck?
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not nine, I'm not 15, but you feel like you're back in that same place.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Exactly, exactly and again, if you have not started reading, the Body Keeps the Score.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Make sure that you do, because that's why your body is reacting that way, because sometimes I hear either friends or myself like I'm doing all this stuff in my mind, but then my body's sensing or my body is doing something that I don't want it to do.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: It's because of these emotions that are trapped inside our body.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and we I mean we're going to keep this episode brief and just give you guys some things to think about.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: But the first thing I want to say is give yourself grace.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: Just because everyone else is like having a jolly good time over the holidays Doesn't mean that you have to.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: If it's a painful time for you, we're not telling you to just, oh, you know, just smile and grin and bear it, that's okay.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Like it's okay to have those emotions, it's okay to not love the season, and that's all right, just let it be.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: But we want to give you some tools to implement If you're like oh man, I got to spend time with the family, got to power through it.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: So, first and foremost, set those boundaries right.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: We have a whole episode on boundaries if you haven't listened, but that's going to be huge and you probably want to set boundaries in advance.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: So, if you know that there's topics at this point in your life that are off limits, or even behaviors, right, like mom, I don't want you to comment on this or politics, or whatever it might be, religion, yeah, um, let them know in advance.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: Like, if there's a topic you don't like, tell them in advance.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: Hey, that I do not want to address this over the holidays.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: And if it comes up, smile, nod, you don't have to engage, like you don't need to say anything and that's the hard part.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right, and that's the hard part, though, is when we're thinking we're 15 or we're nine.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: We had to explain ourselves back then, or at least we felt like we had to.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: You don't need to like, you don't need to engage, you can walk away, breathe through it, move on.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: Exactly, exactly, and that's why we started by saying you are not 15 anymore, you're not nine anymore, so remember the progress that you've made so far and act accordingly.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm also going to say manage your expectations right.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: So this goes back to giving yourself grace.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: If you already know that you don't love the holiday season due to going to so-and-so's house or whatever event, set those realistic expectations for the events, for yourself, for the other people involved, like, go in just knowing this is my expectation.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Don't go in thinking this is going to be the best holiday ever.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: If it's never been a great time for you and then the other good one.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I love that, yeah, like.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Don't pretend that, yeah, exactly.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Don't lie to yourself, yeah, yeah.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Just to have those expectations of, okay, this.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: This isn't going to be an amazing time, it's probably not going to be great, but you know what?
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: I'm going to power through it.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: I'm going to set my boundaries, I'm going to give myself grace, I'm going to get through this time.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: The other thing I'm going to say is have an exit strategy, you know, kind of like the really bad.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: It's like the really bad first date.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Like I'm going to call Denise, say, denise, I need you to call me and tell me something's happening.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: But seriously like on the airplane.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Where is it Like locate, know where your exits are, know where the bathroom is.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Seriously.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: Know where they are, though, like have a plan.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: If you need to take a break, use the restroom.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Know where they are, though, like have a plan.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: If you need to take a break, use the restroom.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: If you need to leave early, especially if you're not familiar with the place, right Like it's some event and and this could be an event that's not even family right Like some work event that you're like, oh my gosh, find out where the bathroom is.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: Go somewhere to take a break.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Just have an exit strategy if you absolutely need one.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: And then again, we said breathe, but also this is where tapping can come in handy.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Slip into the bathroom, pull up the tapping solution, do some mirror work.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: Right, talk to yourself a little bit.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: Do something Like have an exit strategy, do something until you can exit.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: You can do a lot of stuff in the bathroom, including deep breathing, calming yourself down, tapping, because tapping takes about, you know, not even five minutes.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: And mirror, because you know pretty much every bathroom has a mirror.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I have done some tapping in the bathroom before.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and breathing for me like it's just deep breathing.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: Exactly, and it takes.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: It doesn't even take five minutes, it takes what like less than five minutes, yeah, and then it can ground you.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Well, another tip as well that you can do is practice self-care.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: You definitely want to ground yourself before you know you want to go in any event, any, whether it's a family holiday, it's a work holiday, whatever it is work event, any event that you might feel uncomfortable.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Practice self-care before, whether that looks, you know, like taking a nature walk or doing some meditation, doing some journaling, just mentally prepare yourself.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Make sure that you do that ahead of time.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: And then go back to Kira's strategy about have your exit strategy, your plan, your break strategy, whatever you know.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Yes, you grounded yourself before, but if you need to go ahead and have a little quick refresh in the bathroom for like less than five minutes, right.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: So make sure that you have that routine.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: I know that you're busy and the holidays are busy, but a five minute meditation before you go to the event will definitely do wonders for you.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: And another one is engaging grounding techniques, like using the breathing.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I know we keep repeating ourselves with the breathing exercises, but that's the easiest.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: It's also free, it doesn't cost anything.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Your lungs are built in so you don't need to carry them with you.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: So make sure that you do those breathing exercises.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: You are doing your visualization and I mean you can do a visualization, a visualization about the event going as well as it could go right you could do a hypnosis exactly.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Um, don't visualize like all the drama that used to happen.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Visualize things going well, things going neutral, right, yeah, and do some mindfulness to stay present.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Uh, we did talk about that episode as well.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: So make sure that you listen to the being present episode and engage in those techniques of reminding yourself constantly to staying in the present.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: So, let's say, there's a discussion happening and you're immediately being triggered and then the stories are starting to play in your mind.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Remind yourself to go back to the present.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Focus on the present moment, focus on what's happening in this moment, right now.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Yep, and another tip and strategy strategy could be again, those can be done before, during and or after, right, because after that you do need some emotional regulation, because you could have engaged in some emotions you could have picked up some emotions from others, right.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: So you want to definitely practice techniques like self-soothing, using affirmations to maintain your composure.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: After that, after a stressful event or a holiday, a family event, you want to maybe release some emotions.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: So you want to go back to the emotions episode where we talked about how you can release some of the emotions with somatic movement, eft tapping, et cetera, movement, eft tapping, etc.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: And we are going to have some loving and assertive communication.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: So there are going to be sometimes maybe difficult conversations, even if you had already pulled the family.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: You know I don't like to talk about this or that or I don't want to engage in this, and again, it is your choice.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: So you can choose to engage in this conversation, pull your back, smile and not pull yourself back, or, if you choose to engage in it, engage in it and then cleanse yourself afterwards and then lovingly affirm and communicate your opinion about the topic.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Yes, it could be a difficult topic, but that again, you're not a baby, you're not 15, you're not nine, so you can state your opinion without having the emotional triggers come out and react.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: Actually they can.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: The emotional triggers can come out, but you can choose not to react and then you can choose later to release all those emotions that got stuck on you.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's where emotional intelligence comes into.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: Like it, doesn't you know?
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: We're doing this work and I'm saying we, as in you know listeners as well but it doesn't mean your family's been doing the work.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: So they might talk to you like a child, they might get triggered, they might start screaming, they might not talk to you lovingly, but you get to choose.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: It all goes back to choice, and when you can handle those conversations with love, it's going to go a lot better than if you stoop to their level.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Yes, and then also remember that, yes, you have been doing the work and they may not have been doing the work, and right now, over the holidays or over this event, you're not going to change that.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: That's why we're also saying that you know, smile and nod or choose what you want to engage in, because are you going to really change years and years and years of that at this moment, in 30 minutes an hour?
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I don't think so, because you've been working on yourself for a long time.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we've been working on ourselves for a long time, so it's not gonna happen and that is okay, you know.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: And if you don't engage or you don't explain yourself, that doesn't mean that you, you know you are succumbing to whatever they're thinking, whatever they can think, whatever they want, because you know yourself and that's why we're here to remind you.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: You know yourself, you know your worth, you know the work that you've been doing.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: So don't allow this like 30 minutes or one hour.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Just move on from that or, you know, lovingly, love yourself by sharing that all as well.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: I am safe, let's go.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you, you mentioned some tools in there that I wanted to chime in on, like truly the hypnosis, the visualization, even journaling, all beforehand.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: If you're someone that's like, oh man, the holidays are brutal for me with these events, whether you know, like I said, I'm going to even throw in work events, um, but family members and stuff, if you can prep yourself in advance, that is huge.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: So definitely have that plan going in.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: I'm also going to add, you know, cause I love talking food, but I'm going to throw in some stuff, like in these times, limit alcohol and stimulants, right, like they're going to completely mess up your emotional regulation.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: They're not healthy.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Um, it's going to change your state of mind.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: It's going to change everything.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: So if you're like, oh my gosh, I need alcohol to get through this, turn to something else, like have another tool in place, cause that's not going to help things A lot of times that's going to add to stuff.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: And then I'm going to throw in two different uh, I'll say supplements, herbs, whatever you want to call them, but things that can be calming.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: So, again, this is for you.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: If you're like, oh my gosh, like going into Christmas, it's such a hard time, we're going to.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: You know four different families or whatever it might be.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: L-theanine and lemon balm can be really big ones.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: So just something to consider.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: I've seen them in teas and gummies, like there's so many things.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Um, I'll be honest, I have gotten to the point of I don't love flying.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: I know it's not related to families, but same thing, right Like it's, it's a trigger for me, like taking off freaks me out, and it never used to.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: So I will always have L-theanine and lemon balm before I get on a plane because it's calming.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: So it'd be something to consider, just so you're kind of chill going into that event yeah, and, like you mentioned, uh, you can buy a lemon balm in the as a tea, right?
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I have seen it.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not sure.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Altheanine as well.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a good one oh, oh cool, and I just want to add kira also.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Uh, you know any.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: If you know a food is triggering, if you know that something that you eat is triggering, make sure that you stay away from that.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: So, if you know, if your lactose intolerant, don't have anything with dairy and be you know, express yourself, don't feel miserable and get yourself sick.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: So, also, stay away from foods that are triggering to you.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: And, yeah, and enjoy the holidays and make sure that you enjoy yourself.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: It's really important to have fun, enjoy yourself and continue with everything that you're learning.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: However, have a little bit of fun.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: You know, yeah, and I like what you said with the food trigger too.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to chime in on that one.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: If you're gluten intolerant or if you've suspected a gluten issue for a while, gluten can alter brain chemistry, so definitely not a time to go eating it.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: I know it's hard and we don't want this to be a food episode about, you know, the holidays, but just something to consider for sure.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then you can bring your own.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: You can like.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: You know if, if, if gluten is a problematic, your own.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: You can like.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: You know, if, if gluten is a problematic food for you and you do know that during the holidays or work events there's going to be the you know, the pies and the cakes and the muffins, and I'm not sure if there's going to be any gluten-free options get your own dessert so you actually can eat something and enjoy dessert, so you're not like you.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: You know, staying away from the dessert table.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's actually yeah, I was going to say that actually can be a trigger in the holiday.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: Like I can't tell you how many clients over the years have said like I'm doing my best, I'm really trying to eat a healthy diet, whole foods, and I go to my mom's house and she's baked like all these pies and all this stuff and all this junk, and she expects me to eat it and that can be a trigger.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: So work through that as well.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: Like Denise said, if you have to have something in advance, something that you bring with you, you know.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: So you're like hey, I brought something for the family, but reality it's more for you.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: Exactly Cause you're the only one that's going to eat it.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: Right, but it can.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: Food can be a trigger, especially if you're trying to have a healthy lifestyle and no one else is like understanding why you're doing it.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Especially in families.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: I am going to add a little bit, because there are families that do get offended if you don't eat their food, and I mean an example is Middle Eastern families, for sure, european families too.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: When we were in Italy and I eat very slow, so the waiter came in and he saw my husband he has almost done with his plate and he looked at mine and I'm not even close to being finished.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: He looked at me.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: He's like is there anything wrong you don't like?
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: And I was like no, I love.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: It's just like I eat very slowly.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: I'm working on my eating hygiene.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to optimize stomach acid.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: So he was getting offended.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh my goodness.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: So you know, yes, when you bring food with you, you're also sharing with them, and it is okay to tell others that eating this may make me sick.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: So that's why I brought this for me to share with you guys, so you're not offending them by not eating their food.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: You're letting them know that you might get sick and you don't want to deal with that sickness, and instead you brought something to replace that.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: Yep, there's those boundaries again.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Exactly and remember I think I'm a broken record right now You're not 9, you're not 10, you're not 15.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: You are an adult.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: You can make your own choices and decisions.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Yep, and the main one is not allowing so.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: Whenever you're visualizing, quick tip, visualize, before you go into the home, a ball of light surrounding you and if that ball is going to shield all of the energies that do not belong in your field.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so just visualize that.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: That's a good one.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: Well, and like Denise said, last but not least, try to make it fun, right?
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: We're not saying that if you have, you know, a family or something like family member or a family event, that's super triggering, that you're going to love it, but do stuff for yourself around the holiday season, so that's not the only focus.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: Um, yeah, so yeah, as always, guys we're.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: We said we were going to keep this one brief.
• 20:57
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• 21:02
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• 21:03
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• 21:03
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• 21:05
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• 21:08
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