Latest / Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire. / More Leaked Audio of Melania Turmp (Satire) & Susan Dell Jump Scare

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More Leaked Audio of Melania Turmp (Satire) & Susan Dell Jump Scare · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

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  We've got new leaked audio from Melania Trump.
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  I am First Lady. I am not a hand holding machine.
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  Based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever. And
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  whatever this is. That's right, Donald Trump
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  announced new Trump accounts today at the Oval
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  Office. And Susan Dell was right by his side,
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  giving everyone a jump scare. Trump actually
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  had Natalie Harp come up on stage, what we think
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  was a move to settle a score. And a local Nebraska
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  reporter absolutely savages Donald Trump. President
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  Trump appeared at a Nebraska rally yesterday
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  to sign an executive order lifting excise taxes
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  on red -dyed diesel. But in order to sign the
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  executive order, somebody had to bring it upstage
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  and apparently that was his blonde executive
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  assistant that everyone's been watching for the
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  past few weeks. There she is, the assistant that
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  America can't stop watching and apparently Trump
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  can't stop traveling with. But it reminded me
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  of what happened last week. Last week he brought
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  up another assistant, a younger assistant named
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  Margot. Margo, where are you, Margo? Get up here,
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  Margo. Come here, Margo. Come, come, come. I
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  won't make you speak. She's very shy. Come here.
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  Come here. She's become a sensation in social
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  media. Look at this. Look at this. And I'm not
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  allowed to say she's beautiful. You believe that
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  she is beautiful, but she's beautiful inside
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  and out. Thank you. Well, that wasn't awkward
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  at all. He basically held her up on stage, she
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  took forever to get there, and then finally he
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  even got a little peck on the cheek, and she
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  said hi to mom and dad. But I can't help but
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  think that this might have infuriated Natalie
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  Harp, which maybe prompted him to bring Natalie
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  up on stage this week. Which, given the way she
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  stares at him, I wouldn't want to piss her off
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  either, because we all know that she'll stop
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  at nothing to be with him at all times. Like
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  that time she jogged behind his golf cart because
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  there wasn't enough room or that time she jumped
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  into the trunk when the motorcade was full. And
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  this got me thinking about what Melania Trump
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  must be thinking when she sees Natalie Hart following
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  Donald Trump literally all over the world, always
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  seeming to find the camera wherever she goes.
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  So I pieced some audio together based on her
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  internal thoughts. And I have to admit it's based
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  on absolutely no evidence whatsoever. I don't
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  know. Let me know what you think about this.
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  Here it is. Natalie loves the camera. She sees
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  a camera and suddenly she's everywhere. And yes,
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  we hired her because she looked like Ivanka.
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  To manage him, handle the diapers, stay in the
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  background. Fine. But now she's making spectacle
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  of herself. I am First Lady. I am not a hand
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  -holding machine. And we budgeted 10 hand -holds
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  for the entire second term. Ten. Four years.
• 3:37
  ads help keep the lights on here at It's Not
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  Satire. But if ads give you the ick, let me help
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  you with that. If you want all the absurdity
• 3:44
  without the ads, subscribe to my sub stack and
• 3:46
  look for the ad -free podcast option. The link
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  is in the show notes. Now let's get into the
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  absurdity. Ten -hole handholds? Wow, you are
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  so generous. Now granted, we don't have any evidence
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  that Melania is getting paid for each handhold,
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  but given how comfortable she looks holding Trump's
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  hand, we just can't stop asking that question.
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  But that only prompts me to ask more questions.
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  Like, Melania, do you ever feel pressured that
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  you need to be spending more time next to your
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  husband? I also put this reconstructed fake leaked
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  audio together. Melania, you should be beside
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  your husband. I think this is our first lady.
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  What do you think of our first lady? She's a
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  movie star. Okay. But nobody is talking about
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  the conditions. First of all, the smell. I cannot
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  stand next to somebody for two hours and pretend
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  I don't smell what I smell. The hair, the makeup,
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  the suit, the food, everything. You go home smelling
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  like the White House. And second, he still hasn't
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  signed the new hand -holding agreement. We agreed
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  on a new rate. So now they expect me to hold
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  his hand for the old rate? No, that is not how
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  contract works. Yeah, Melania, that's definitely
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  not how contracts work. Do you think Melania
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  is comfortable standing next to Trump, and do
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  you think she's bothered by anything like the
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  smell of the White House or maybe him? Let me
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  know in the comments what you think. The burden
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  of my profession demands that I take this opportunity
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  to say a few words about that bloated orange
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  piece of s*** in the White House. Those are words
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  from Chuck Lorre, you know the guy who's created
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  so many hit TV sitcoms? Yeah, that Chuck Lorre.
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  Chuck Lorre had some pretty strong words about
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  Donald Trump, and the reason why I put him in
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  here is he also has a theory about Melania as
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  well. Let me play the rest of the clip for you.
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  educated warm funny first lady like Michelle
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  Obama then somehow be okay with a surgically
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  enhanced cold -hearted Yugoslavian escort who
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  clearly hates her husband I'd like to end my
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  little speech with a solemn request for heavenly
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  guidance and patience and love I will instead
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  close with a small punch -up of the alcoholics
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  prayer God grant me the serenity to no longer
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  give a out all the stupid people in this country.
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  The courage to say Donald Trump is a Russian
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  asset who traded teenagers with Jeffrey Epstein
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  and the wisdom to end on a cheap laugh. Thank
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  you very much. Chuck Flory didn't pull any punches,
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  and it is an interesting comparison. When you
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  think about Melania sitting next to Donald Trump,
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  like in this photo where Donald Trump is asleep,
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  Melania is looking pretty stern and unhappy.
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  Then compare this photo of Michelle Obama and
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  Barack Obama next to each other. It kind of looks
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  like Michelle and Barack are pretty much in love
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  and can't stop touching each other. In fact,
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  Michelle Obama once said that her husband was
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  her absolute favorite smell, and something tells
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  me Melania probably wouldn't say that if asked.
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  But again, I'm only speculating. Also at the
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  Nebraska rally yesterday, I wanted to show you
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  this clip of a seemingly unassuming local Nebraska
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  reporter who - absolutely savage Trump with this
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  vicious question. This is the number one beef
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  state in the country and it was striking to see
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  the universal condemnation across Nebraska for
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  your choice to import 300 ,000 metric tons of
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  foreign beef with no tariffs and try to sell
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  it at a lower price. What message do you have
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  to ranchers across Nebraska who are struggling
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  to make a profit? So I have been better to ranchers
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  and to farmers than any president in history.
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  But the price for the consumer has gone through
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  the roof. So on a very short term basis, I brought
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  some in from a couple of different countries,
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  I guess, Argentina, Brazil, just a little bit.
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  It really became unacceptable to the voter. And
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  we do have to get elected because. Wow. Massive
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  kudos to that guy who actually asked Trump a
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  tough question. And it was really interesting
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  to see Trump admitted that the voters didn't
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  like his decision and the voters are going to
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  vote. Wow. A rare admission from Trump. Back
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  in the Oval Office today, Susan Dell appeared
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  with Trump to announce the new creation of a
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  program called Trump Accounts. But instead of
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  focusing on the successful financial future of
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  today's youth, people were actually focused on
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  something else. It was Susan Dell herself. Take
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  a look at this clip. Susan Dell standing right
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  next to Trump, wearing a red dress. and she turns
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  and looks at the camera in the most awkward and
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  stiff way. It's almost like she's a doll and
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  her eyes are peeled wide open and she looks at
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  the camera in the most awkward times. Her wide
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  eyes, her giant smile, her stiff expressions,
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  it's almost like that doll that gave you nightmares
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  as a child. Thanks for watching Breaking Absurdity,
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  and remember, don't stare into the abyss alone,
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  let's do it together. Like, subscribe, and leave
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  a comment below. Let me know what you thought
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  about this episode, I want to hear from you.