Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 7 - The Cost of Holding On & Staying in Toxic Cycles
Transcript
- Denise: hello everyone and welcome to another episode of From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist. Today I want to talk about a topic that is heavy on my mind and that is navigating heartbreak and relationships in general. But I want to put an emphasis on heartbreak because it's something that is inevitable. It's a part of life. It's something that we can't avoid, especially if we're desiring partnership. And some of the things that I've had to move through over the past three years specifically, I always like to reference my post-divorce time because those were the moments where I realized that I was moving about in the way that was misaligned, that I was not navigating relationships in a way that I was ever going to be fulfilled. And the relationships that I had post-divorce were pivotal in forming who I am now. That's not to say that the relationships before my marriage were not significant, they were as well, but I was younger. Then I didn't have the ability to self-reflect like I do now. And so I'm heavy on the post-divorce era, which side note, today I did see my college boyfriend. I ran into him while I was running on a trail, and I thought it was so funny because I'm all about universal science, and that was a very healthy, wholesome relationship. I actually was probably the the like the top the more toxic one in that relationship, and he was just a gem of a human being and so patient and so kind with me. throughout the duration of our relationship and eventually it ended because you know we I we were in different stages of life. I went to grad school and he went off to law school. And so anyway, needless to say, clean break, universal nudge. I think it's just a sign that I was on the right path because that was a wholesome relationship. It was so good to see him for that brief moment. And I just love me some good universal signs. So anyway, with that all that to say, I'm going to talk about heartbreak and relationships and navigating them because I I always avoided heartbreak. I thought that the best way to go through it or to get over it was to just go on to somebody else, a distraction. And that's how I navigated relationships for the entirety of my life. I never wanted to sit with the loss of somebody, even if I was the one who had initiated that loss. And even after I initiated my divorce, I literally went on a date, I don't know what I initiated the divorce in October and I went on a date. I was talking to Min already while I was still living with my ex husband and My first date must have been November. It was around Thanksgiving time, I believe. So anyway, I never wanted to sit with my emotions. And I and that's what I was running from. And people on the outside could say, my God, she's such a hoe, and she's just I heard the term monkey brancher today. So thank you to my internet friends that I've made, and my social media friends for for introducing me to terms that I was otherwise not familiar with. But monkey branching is what he calls that. And I was a monkey brancher apparently, where I would just go from person to person because I was. avoiding my feelings. And so he said his perception of it, it's funny to see things from a male's perspective. His perspective was that women do this because they want to feel worthy and they're like, look, I wasn't the problem. I found someone new. You're the problem. Whereas for me, it was always about me not wanting to sit with the loss. So I can't sit here and speak for everybody. I don't know what everyone's motive is, but I do know for me it just felt uncomfortable to have to sit in that space where I was going to miss somebody. And so right now, what I see a lot of people doing is they're hanging on to somebody for the potential and they keep hurting themselves over and over and over, thinking that it's going to change. And for anyone who's listening who may be going through something similar, I want you to sit with yourself and ask yourself why are you holding on? What is the real reason? What are you scared of? Are you are you afraid that you're not gonna find love again? Are you just Hoping that that person one day does a 360 and turns into another human. What is it? Because oftentimes it's not about the person. Oftentimes it's a narrative that we're telling ourselves. And I want to share my most recent heartbreak that I am still navigating, and it's embarrassing to admit because the old me would be like, Why are you still crying about this stuff? Because it is part of life. You don't get over things. There are no timeline to things. And I know how to move through the emotions, and I know that the sadness is going to pass, and it's not necessarily the person that I miss, but the feeling. So you can't avoid heartbreak. You can't avoid the sadness. But that's the only way that you get to the better end is allowing yourself to feel Those things you have to allow yourself to feel those things, and yes, you're going to need support. Yes, you're gonna need people to cry to you, yes, you're going to need people to be patient with you. You need all of that, you don't need to go through it alone, but you are going to need to feel the heal. You're going to need to feel feel to heal. And so I've talked about how I was in a pretty emotionally turmo t emotionally tumultuous emotionally turmoil whatever emotionally tumultuous situationship that ended in November of 2025 and it is now June of 2026 and I still have a hard time processing that and for me it's about one the good qualities that that individual had but two also thinking how did was I so wrong? About this person. How did he put on this perception of wanting my best or having my best interests at heart and really being a friend to me and doing all the things that he did to me? And I don't, I don't want to sit here and be like, he did so much. I don't think that he realized the full damage that he was causing. And I know some people are going to say you're just making excuses for him. Short, whatever. I think he wasn't an inherently bad human. No. But I don't think he realizes the damage that he causes women. Not just me. He shared some stories of previous relationships and relationships that overlapped with my whole thing with him. And it's something that he is working through. He's damaged on his own, and he hasn't really wanted to face. And it's not up to anybody to make him face that. He will realize that on his own. But all that to say, I remember. The last time we spoke, I sat in front the the day of I sat in front of my grandmother grandmother's picture and I cried to her and I just told her like I need you to help me because I this r relationship is killing me. I either need him to step up or I just need something. And I don't remember exactly what I said, but I was in despair because we were always, you know, up and down, up and down. And so that day it ended. It it ended badly. And To this day, I am grateful it ended, even though I have to sit with sadness sometimes because I haven't felt that way yet about anybody, and I'm not also not allowed really allowing anybody in, and I'm aware of that, but that's something that I'm going to work through. So have some grace for yourself. When you go through heartbreak, you're not going to want to jump into anything, and that's okay. You don't need to rush it. Being with someone else is not the answer. Oftentimes it does the opposite and it makes you miss that person more. So I I'm glad that that happened because that spared me who knows how long of pain. I could have lived on edge probably forever. I don't know. I know people that are in situations like that and they say they lasted 12 years. And I can't imagine thinking for 12 years that I was eventually going to get the commitment I was seeking. I I mean I could have. I I probably would have because I was so afraid to let go. And eventually I exploded to the point where I acted like a crazy ass person and I just laid out all the things that I had suppressed, right? Like the times that women called when we were in the car together and I pretended I didn't see the the overlap of women because I would see the stories that they'd post on Instagram and it was like around the time that I was speaking to him and I wouldn't want to be like, yo, I creeped on this girl's Instagram and she was with you. And how come you didn't tell me? Although I did say that one time. It's not a good look, you know? And so you don't want to be with somebody that makes you feel like you have to creep around on the women that are commenting or engaging on their social media because you think that they might be hiding something. Because I do know, of course Trust issues come into play and sometimes they are something that are subconscious and we're we're scanning for danger that might not exist. But in this scenario, that wasn't the case. So there is a level of self- self-awareness you have to have and understand that sometimes your old wounds will come up and you may be unfair to people who don't deserve it because of your past. So we're not talking about that here. We're talking about your intuition. And your intuition isn't going to scream loudly and cause you a bunch of anxiety. You just are gonna feel like something is off. And you're gonna wonder. And then you're gonna ask the very person that you think is going to give you clarity that isn't going to give you clarity because why would they? And that's also a very hard part for me because we tend to view the world in the way that we are. And I like to it's a projection. So now that I now that I am this honest person because I was not always honest and I did hide shit before, I expect honesty from everyone. I'm like, what do you mean? Why can't we just be adults? Why can't you tell me if you're talking to multiple people? So that I have the option to decide whether I want to partake in this or not. Why not? But not everyone does that because they're afraid you're gonna walk away. I Can't wrap my head around it because I kind of did shitty shit in a different manner, and I didn't lie to keep multiple relationships intact. But again, the world we we think that people operate in the world the way we do, and that's not the case. And so anyway, if you're in a dynamic where you feel like it's constantly hot and cold and hot and cold, and you feel like there's something off. Yes, it's scary to imagine yourself without that, but think about what your life is going to be like if things never change. Are you gonna be happy? Because that's oftentimes the people do not change, especially when they lack self-awareness, especially when they're never saying anything that they do is wrong. If they don't have self-awareness, there is nothing to build. And this isn't about not dealing with relationship conflicts. I do think that there are fair, there are a fair share of conflicts that you have to deal with to build a healthy relationship. So this isn't, I know in this generation a lot of people will say, it's now it's just all about going to the next person once there are issues. This is not that. Because there are issues that you can work through, right? There are certain things that come up and you can figure it out. You as a couple, you come together and there are healthy ways to deal with it and grow from it. But if somebody lacks accountability and self awareness, there is nothing to build with that person. That is not a healthy partner, that's not a healthy individual. It doesn't matter in what capacity. Think about like your coworkers that don't have any self-reflection and yet never do anything wrong. Or like, really? I mean, we all do shit that's wrong sometimes. We all make mistakes. That's part of life. I used to be one of those people that never wanted to admit when they made a mistake, especially at work. Like, God forbid I showed that I was less than perfect. And you end up making more mistakes because you're always on edge. You're always like anxious and shit and trying to prove yourself. That is no longer me. And I don't want that to be you, the person listening. Because that's not authentic. We as humans make mistakes. We learn from the mistakes. We admit the mistakes. If you are not willing to admit a mistake, what are you running from? We are grown-ass people. You should know we are not robots and we are gonna we've made mistakes and we're gonna keep making mistakes, we're gonna keep doing shit, and sometimes we're gonna do stuff we're not proud of. And you can make it less frequent by admitting the wrongs that you do. So I feel for people that think that they have to stay in a dynamic because they have love for the person and they just think that that love is worth the suffering that they're going to go through for the rest of their life. I really do feel for them. Because that could have fed me. I could have sat in that relationship forever. I was completely faithful to somebody who hid me all the time. Quite literally. And now I sit there and I I sometimes think, what if one day he turns around and treats somebody better? I hope he does. Because no woman deserves that. No good woman with a kind heart deserves that. And I'm not saying I'm this like angelic being, but I'm saying anybody who is operating like I am, that's looking for true love, doesn't deserve to be treated like that, doesn't deserve to be lied to like that, doesn't deserve to be treated like an option like that. Give her The honesty at least. Tell her what you're doing so that she can understand and decide if she wants to play a role in it. And if you're a guy that's listening, I hope that you take that and really consider it. Because it's unfair to put women who are actually looking for love in a dynamic where you are treating her as an option and keeping other women around to fuel your validation. Figure out why the hell you need so much validation for multiple women first. And admit it. And if you're gonna keep doing that, just admit it to the women around, and then those that don't give a fuck will stay, and those that have self-respect and want real love will go. They'll stop looking at the potential because that's what they're hanging on to. They see the good in you. There is good in you. But that doesn't mean that it's worth staying. Shit, there's good in a lot of people. I venture to say that even mass murderers have had good qualities. That doesn't make what they do okay at all. And same goes for women. When I say these things, like men will say, Well women do that too. I'm sure, but I can't say it from a woman's perspective with as much passion or I'm sorry, from a male's perspective with as much passion because I'm not I'm not a man who dates women or I'm not a woman who dates w women. So I can't really say it. I'm speaking it from my lens, but really I'm speaking to humanity as a whole. This is a collective thing. This is not gender specific. We as people need to be do better in being authentic, in being real, in admitting our mistakes, and letting people show who they are. Rather than seeing the potential, rather than staying for the potential, because you drain yourself. And then you rob yourself of the ability to experience really real fulfilling love when you hang on to someone for the potential. Because there is somebody for you that is orbiting. And of course, I don't mean like literally orbiting and waiting, but there is somebody there. Because if you desire partnership, there is someone out there for you, but you're not gonna find that person if you're hanging on to fucking Joe Schmoe, who doesn't give a fuck about real partnership and just wants your validation and he knows that you See the good in him. So he's keeping you around so you could tell him how awesome he is and how cool he is and how creative he is. I'm thinking of all the shit that I would say to the guy because I believed it. I did. I did. And when I sit here and I talk about him, I don't hate him. I still have lots of love for him. But love is not enough. So Thank the people that have released you that you're trying to get over, especially if it was a tumultuous relationship, because they spared you from a lifetime of that. And yes, it sucks. And sometimes you might sit and wonder, Am I ever going to feel that feeling again? And you will. You will. But you have to face those. those less than desirable feelings. Those feelings that don't feel so good, right? The heartbreak, the sadness, the mourning, though the yearning for somebody who to give you to give you comfort. And for me it's it's funny because the very person that I want to comfort me is the person who hurt me. That is something that I've realized I've done in my most recent we'll call them relationships because I don't want to use some other term. But I've always sought comfort from the very person that's hurting me and they don't provide that comfort. And so then what did I do? I went to the previous guy and been like, did you believe what this guy did to me? And then we'd start back up and then he would do the th say that to me too. And it never ended well. So I laugh at myself because I understand like how it sounds, but I it's not funny in the moment. I don't want anybody to think that when they're doing that that it's a joke. It's not. I'm sorry that you feel that that's what you have to do to gain seek comfort and gain comfort, but that's not. You don't need to run to the very people that hurt you before for comfort. That's not the answer. You'll find it within you. You can move through it. You can find support that's aside from anybody who's hurt you before. You can. And then Eventually your heart heals. No emotion is permanent. And maybe some you'll always have love for that person, right? But that doesn't mean that your whole life is gonna revolve around them and you're gonna be sad every time you think about them. Sometimes there will they will just be fond memories that you look back on and you're like, Well, or less than desirable memories that you're like, I can't believe I went through that and I put myself through that shit. I have both. Even when I thought about my college boyfriend today, I was like, my gosh, like I had some great memories with him. He was such a good guy, but it wasn't a yearning for that person. It was just being able to appreciate the role that he played in my life. And even with the toxic relationships. I'm like, damn, those good qualities, I can't wait until I have that, plus the s the the safety that I've never got, plus that feeling that I'm the only woman that he's speaking to. Plus the feeling that I'm the one only one he's entertaining. That's gonna be fucking great. So reframe your mind because it's not delusion, it's gonna happen. I mean, it would be crazy to think that I'm never gonna love again. The only way that I'm never gonna love again is if I choose not to heal and I choose to just have a bitter view of the world and think like all men are terrible and they all cheat and all I don't think that. And quite honestly, I've had a lot of men in my orbit lately who I I can see they have interest in me and they voice that interest. But I am the closed off person right now and I'm working through that because I just I it's twofold. One, I really want to not have this yearning for somebody else while I'm actively romantically involved with another person. And two, I just recently learned to be alone. I just recently learned to be single. Like this is nice. Like I I don't recognize myself. I'm like trying to pinch myself like who is this person? Like you're not yearning for anything. Like I was super lustful and I'm not even lustful anymore. And I'm gonna get on a whole nother topic about that because people treat sex like it's just whatever and I did too and I used to always lead with it and then I never had a foundation. So if you're building relationship that's strictly physical, your the the foundation is not built on a steady or sorry, the structure is not built on a steady foundation. And it's just not a good space to start a relationship. But that's going off on a whole nother topic. Right now, we're talking about letting go of things, the relationships that no longer serve you. Oftentimes we do it to avoid heartache, but It's a temporary heartache. Whereas if you hang on to something that's no longer for you, you're looking at who knows how long. You're gonna live your entire life unfulfilled. And this doesn't just trickle into love. It's going to trickle into every aspect of your life because It's your energy. Your energy affects everything. It affects the jobs that you attract, the opportunities that you attract, the people that orbit you. All of that is going to be damaged by hanging on to something that no longer serves you. So ultimately, of course, it's your choice. I know that letting go is not gonna be easy. If I sat here and said, just do it, it's fine. It's not. You're gonna I mean, there are times where you're gonna cry, and it's what for me, seven months later, and I still cry sometimes. But I'm owning that shit. You know what? I was sad about it. Does that mean that I think he was a godsend? No. Like, yeah, I thought he was super attractive, but that like again, it's it's these things. It's not That person is not the best you're ever going to get. Especially if they're not treating you well. Especially if they're misaligned. If you're telling yourself that, there is something deeper. And it's only something that you can answer. With self-reflection, with getting to know yourself. Because you guys know I always say that in every episode. Take 10 minutes for yourself and think: why am I hanging on to this person? What is the desired outcome? And do I really want to live the rest of my life like this? So If you're a woman who is struggling with toxic relationship patterns, letting go of somebody, or just wanting to call in love, I encourage you to look at my women's circle. It's linked in the bio on my Instagram, Denise B. Miller. I wanna thank you guys so much for listening and continuing to support me. The messages that I get of support just mean so much to me. I cannot express how much it means when p someone sends me a message and says, Hey, this episode was great, or hey, like I don't listen to podcasts, but your podcast was different. Like that No that honestly, I know I'm working against not needing validation, but when you put yourself out there and you hear positive feedback, it is just so encouraging because to me this is something bigger than myself. This is about wanting to help the people like me that thought there was no hope that they were going to continue to attract shitty relationship after shitty relationship. And I thought I was waiting for my knight in shining armor until I realized I'm that. It's me. And don't get me wrong, I love me some min and I'm sure I'm going to find my partner. Or not find my partner. My partner and I will attract one another when the time is right. But right now I am so thankful that I'm in this space. So again, thank you all for listening. If you enjoyed the show, please give it a positive review. Please share it with someone who might benefit from it. Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you guys next week.