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Touching Nipples With Bigfoot? · Questionable Detour

0:00
excuse me what is going on here but first we're
0:05
going to make a little detour so absurd so questionable
0:10
yeah i guess we're just the weirdos expect the
0:16
detour uh one two three clap uh they should do
0:28
that in doctor's offices when you have the sexually
0:31
transmitted disease of a clap they should all
0:33
come in like it's a texas roadhouse celebrating
0:35
your birthday They bring in the lady from the
0:37
front desk, whatever nurse is around. Everybody
0:40
claps. While you're sitting in the lobby. Gather
0:43
all the patients. Yeah, exactly. And they just
0:46
come clapping down the hallway to you. Like you
0:50
got with Evan. It would probably make the diagnosis
0:52
a little bit more palatable. If there was a procession
0:56
along with it. I mean, let's answer that question
0:58
for you, Alan. Let's say, hypothetically, you
1:01
got the clap. Sure, sure. Would you rather it
1:04
be professional? you go in and go out understanding
1:09
your new disease, or would you rather have the
1:12
entire clinic come dancing and clapping around
1:15
as if you were on an acid trip? I think I'd like
1:18
to get in front of it. I don't think it's something
1:21
I'd want as a secret. You're going out and posting
1:23
immediately on Facebook. Yes, yes. Re -upping
1:27
my MySpace account. It's been dead for years,
1:30
but we're going to re -up it and just post about
1:32
clap. But yeah, I think I'd like for everybody
1:34
to be involved at the doctor's office with just
1:36
celebrating the announcement. All right, guys.
1:39
It's been... It feels... It feels... What's the
1:44
word I'm thinking of? Known. Good. Known. I can
1:50
remember the word good. Okay. Familiar. It feels
1:53
familiar. Being back behind the mics. Because
1:57
what did you all say? It's been two years. Something
2:00
like that. A year and a half since we dropped
2:02
the last episode. We dropped 53 episodes. Theoretically,
2:06
you could start one a week and get through a
2:09
year's worth of episodes. And we're back. Now,
2:13
people might have wondered where we have been
2:16
in the year and a half to two years. What we
2:19
have done. What we've achieved. The mountains
2:21
that we have summited. the murders we've gotten
2:25
away with, and the lives, the loves that we have
2:28
gotten into. So maybe just for the sake of time,
2:33
what have y 'all been doing for the last two
2:36
years? Because let's pretend, I mean, we've seen
2:39
each other over the last two years. So we know,
2:42
but they don't know. This is actually the first
2:45
time I'm seeing y 'all. This is the first time,
2:47
actually. Evan went MIA almost immediately. Yeah.
2:50
He almost like he was running from the CIA. So
2:53
let's start with you, Evan. Two years. What have
2:56
you been doing? Tell everybody what you've been
2:58
doing for two years. I'll let y 'all know. I'm
3:01
interested to hear what y 'all have to say, too.
3:03
Well, it's your turn. I just want you to know.
3:06
I got deep into the cartel. How deep? How deep
3:09
does a bear get into a jar of honey? All the
3:13
way. Like all the way. Like he's sitting in a
3:16
hot tub. Exactly. Now, if there's one thing the
3:20
cartel needs... It's a guy dressed as a bear
3:23
getting into honey? Yeah. It's a man dressed
3:26
as a bear that parades around all of Mexico and
3:30
just shows everyone where there's honey and tries
3:34
to draw them in. Because what attracts... What
3:36
are flies attracted to? Poop? Dead bodies. Oh,
3:40
okay. Yeah. Listen, Alan, do we need to ask further
3:45
questions or just let that lie? I don't think
3:46
so. I do think it's important to ask, aren't
3:49
you calling yourself the burrito? Isn't that
3:53
kind of the alias you've been going by over the
3:55
past two years? The juicy burrito, yes. The juicy
3:58
burrito, okay. No, you were kind of... It's another
4:01
adjective there that I wasn't aware of, but...
4:04
All right, Alan, the last two years. You know...
4:09
I've seen you guys over the past two years. But
4:11
we haven't seen you. That's the creepy part.
4:13
You haven't seen me. What I've been doing is
4:15
a lot of surveillance. Sure. This is actually
4:18
probably the first day I haven't worn a ghillie
4:19
suit in two years. You stink. Yes. Awful. You're
4:23
sweaty. Awful. But yeah, I've been following
4:24
you guys around. Okay. I've got to say, you've
4:26
kind of grown into the characteristics of brush.
4:30
And that is the end result. I want to look like
4:34
just limbs. Fallen limbs. Is that what you kind
4:37
of see in there? He's kind of swaying like some
4:39
grass. He does. He looks like a tranquil dream
4:43
of a field blowing in the wind. I've been doing
4:46
this so long that my body just thinks that it
4:50
is grass. Yeah. There's not even wind in here,
4:52
but I still feel a gentle sway. He's starting
4:55
to look a little weak, too. I think you kind
4:56
of got into the photosynthesis situation. Yeah,
4:59
I think I need to get out and... Let that chlorophyll
5:02
make some energy for me. Wow. Man, this is a
5:05
science. This is a science podcast all of a sudden.
5:07
That's good. That's good. It doesn't creep me
5:09
out that you followed me around. I understand
5:11
why you knew Evan's cartel name now, because
5:14
you followed him. Yeah. But as we start back
5:17
on the Questionable Detour podcast, we made some
5:20
changes. We're going to try to make it shorter,
5:21
more succinct, but... The kicker is that everybody
5:26
has at least $5 burning your pocket. You have
5:29
$5 in your pocket right now. At least. No, you
5:31
don't. You have $5 in your pocket, right? In
5:33
dimes. Okay, perfect. It honestly doesn't matter,
5:36
but there will be more questions answered on
5:40
here. There will be more bits happening, but
5:42
it's all not going to go in the episode put out.
5:45
We are actually doing a Patreon. So if you want
5:49
to maybe not feed your family, provide for your
5:51
family, maybe if you don't want to eat, You can
5:54
pay for the Patreon and hear all the questions,
5:57
answers, all the bits. That way, we can keep
6:00
the normal episodes nice and short, quick, because
6:04
everybody's attention spans are just falling
6:06
apart. And, you know, we make money, which we
6:09
like. Yeah. Finally. Yeah. And they can eat.
6:13
Their family just doesn't have to eat. Like somebody
6:15
could still pay to eat. Somebody is going to
6:18
go hungry though. That's the motto here. Why
6:21
do your children need to eat when you can have
6:23
more of us? Right. And I'm saying if somebody
6:26
does not die of starvation, then we did not do
6:29
something successful. Basically, your hunger
6:30
should be for the QD podcast. Right. We are your
6:35
religion. And your nutrients, apparently. But
6:38
anyway, anyway, anyway. Yeah, go on to Patreon.
6:41
It's Questionable Detour on Patreon. If you want
6:43
to hear more of us, if you just want to waste
6:46
time, if you just want to do something completely
6:50
non -productive and listen to more of us. Go
6:54
to the Patreon, sign up for that. It's super
6:57
simple. Less than a Boeing 747 a day. That's
7:01
all I'm saying. It's cheaper than if you're buying
7:03
a Boeing 747 a day. And really, that's a steal.
7:06
It's a deal. More than an onion a day, I will
7:09
say, though. Sure. But less than running the
7:14
government of the country of Chad. Yes. That's
7:17
what a perfect relatable situation. I think everybody's
7:21
familiar with the geopolitical. interests of
7:23
the country of chad so i i right there in the
7:26
middle somehow i probably think it's probably
7:28
the cost of an onion and run that place i don't
7:30
know but um if we're having to compete with people
7:33
buying onions we're not doing something correct
7:35
but anyway thank you for tuning back in let's
7:40
go into the classic segment hypotheticals dave
7:45
can i pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical
7:48
question I guess I want to apologize for asking
7:51
a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical
7:54
question. You know, as our listeners from a year
7:58
and a half ago remember, we like to give wisdom,
8:01
we like to give advice, and we will give somebody
8:03
a lucky listener advice today. With our hypothetical
8:06
questions, we also kind of like to push people
8:09
in the right direction on how to do things. And
8:12
the first hypothetical question I would love
8:14
to hear y 'all answer is, if y 'all were a flight
8:18
attendant, an air stewardess, if you will, how
8:21
would y 'all go about making that flight the
8:24
most comfortable flight for those people taking
8:27
a trip? I think the main thing about being a
8:30
flight attendant is you're not always the most...
8:34
Well reimbursed. Money's tight these days. Inflation
8:37
and whatnot. I'm sure we can all agree on that.
8:40
So what I got to do to make it by as a flight
8:42
attendant, even though they make a good salary,
8:45
but it's just... Expenses are high. Expenses
8:47
are high. The dollar doesn't go as far as it
8:49
used to. I've got a lot of pigs. I got a lot
8:51
of vet bills. And those pigs are not going to
8:55
dress themselves. So I got to make sure I have
8:58
money. So when I'm a flight attendant, I'm in
9:00
it for a quick buck. Whatever that means. How
9:03
can you make money as a flight attendant? You
9:05
got to make people feel safe. So you're letting
9:07
people pay you to feel safe and in control. So
9:11
what I do, we get up in the air at 30 ,000 feet.
9:13
You know, I go through my safety spiel and, you
9:16
know, buckle your seatbelt. If you're in the
9:18
aisle and you don't want to be, let us know,
9:19
whatever. And then once we get up to cruising
9:22
speed, cruising altitude, I kind of just open
9:24
that cockpit door and I say, it's a fiver if
9:27
you want to take control. Oh, you let people,
9:30
untrained people, zero hours flying, take control
9:33
of the plane. It's one of those things where
9:36
people want to feel safer if they're in control.
9:38
Sure. For sure. So I let them take control of
9:41
the plane. And it's also one of those things,
9:44
you know, kids are always interested in planes.
9:45
Absolutely. They want to be pilots. Why not put
9:47
a kid up there? Sure. Let them push the buttons.
9:50
Let them turn the wheel. They've got to learn
9:52
somehow. Do what? They've got to learn somehow.
9:54
They've got to learn somehow. How are they going
9:55
to learn if they're stuck in the economy seating?
9:59
That's great. Now, Alan, I know you're thinking
10:01
of this immediate problem. Now, generally speaking,
10:04
to get up 30 ,000 feet in the air, there are
10:06
trained pilots. You're opening the door and letting
10:09
these untrained people fly the plane. What's
10:12
the dynamic of that with the pilots? Are they
10:14
cool with this? Is there kind of a two -by -four
10:17
to the back of the head, slumped over pilots
10:20
that you kind of have to shuffle out of the chairs
10:22
from behind the yoke? Now, Alan, let me ask you
10:25
this. in response to his question. Let me answer
10:27
his question with a question. Okay. To Alan,
10:30
by the way, not the person. Hey, hey. Not the
10:31
person. It's fine. You have weird social skills.
10:34
I need to talk to him for a second. Okay. He
10:37
seems better suited for this question. Okay,
10:38
sure. If you were a pilot, would you let somebody
10:41
else drive the plane? Depends on what I get in
10:43
return. Exactly. But you're only charging five
10:46
bucks. Are you having to split 250 between you
10:49
and the pilot? Oh, he's not getting money. Oh.
10:52
He's getting the satisfaction of seeing other
10:55
people learn a job that he has a passion for.
10:57
Sure. That's what he's getting out of it. Yeah.
11:00
He's seeing other people potentially go into
11:02
the piloting business. He's seeing future pilots.
11:06
He's seeing maybe some air traffic controllers.
11:09
Sure. Maybe they can't cut it as a pilot because
11:12
they they're deaf in one ear or something. I
11:14
don't know what equations you have to have to
11:15
be a pilot, but maybe they can't cut it as a
11:17
pilot. They go to an air traffic controller or
11:20
they go over to. foreign country and become a
11:24
pilot for them and then lower standards exactly
11:26
maybe the country of chad you know maybe chad
11:29
they're always looking for ways to cut money
11:32
let me let me ask you a question here does it
11:34
stop at pilots or like let's say the somebody
11:37
wants to learn how to be an air marshal do you
11:39
give them a gun on the plane good point i like
11:42
to let people explore their passions um if they
11:44
have a passion to be a u .s marshal i say here's
11:47
a gun here's a practice target let's take a few
11:50
pop shots down the aisle Love it. What's the
11:52
practice target? Like, what is that made of?
11:55
It's mostly the luggage of other people. So we
11:58
kind of just take out the luggage from the overhead
12:00
bins. And, you know, if you're one of those people
12:02
that put their bag sideways when it could have
12:05
gone horizontal and made more room for somebody
12:07
else. You're getting shot. You're a dick. Your
12:09
baggage is, well, you're not getting shot. Your
12:10
baggage is getting shot. Yeah. Sure, of course.
12:12
You're not shooting people. It's totally a very
12:14
normal thing that we have happening right now.
12:16
Now, if they do put up a fight. And they're like,
12:19
hey, you're not going to shoot my bag. I have
12:21
a new U .S. Air Marshal backing me up. And if
12:25
things get hairy, they got a hair trigger. Yeah,
12:27
sure. Trigger finger. I'm not saying people don't
12:30
get shot, but it's not my original intention.
12:33
Right. I mean, it's just the natural order of
12:35
things. Now, in reflection to Alan's question,
12:38
if there are the good guys. that you're training
12:41
and kind of letting explore the space. Are there
12:44
the bad guys on the planes? Are there maybe a
12:49
terrorist cell hell bent on destroying the Western
12:52
world that you're kind of letting them explore?
12:54
You know, is that something they want to get
12:56
into? Because as you've described this experience,
12:59
it is all inclusive. You want to make everybody
13:02
feel comfortable. Yeah, everyone has their passions.
13:05
Not saying I agree with all of them, but they
13:07
all do pay money. So I agree. with money and
13:11
that's five dollars still that's seven okay to
13:14
be to be the terrorist yeah oh i didn't realize
13:16
it was a menu situation i thought it was a flat
13:18
fee yeah i didn't realize you got that complex
13:20
terrorism it's gonna it's gonna cost you a couple
13:23
more bucks i'm not gonna lie that we gotta raise
13:25
prices um meet demand you know and oh there's
13:28
a lot of demand people people love being a terrorist
13:32
and yeah we gotta bump them up to seven It's
13:35
just you can't have too many of those running
13:36
around. So we have, of course, the U .S. Marshals,
13:39
and then we have people trying to take down.
13:40
We have people there now to take down these newly
13:44
trained terrorists. And what a great atmosphere
13:47
for the new pilots to have to figure out how
13:49
to pilot as there is gunfire. Maybe explosions
13:53
happening back in the cabin. Yeah, you really
13:55
got to throw these people into the fire if you
13:56
want them to learn. So I'm not saying it's easy.
13:59
Hey, being a pilot isn't easy. But if you're
14:01
passionate about it, you're going to have to
14:03
figure out how to handle a terrorist situation,
14:05
pilot a plane in a terrorist situation. And then
14:08
there's people that want to be bad people. And
14:11
so we kind of throw them into the under. Oh,
14:13
now that's a throwback actually to a previous
14:16
episode. Alan actually, the hypothetical question
14:19
was actually very similar to this was how do
14:20
you handle being a passenger on the flight? And
14:23
Alan was actually the bag in this, that situation.
14:26
I forget which episode that was. That's an incredible
14:28
memory you've got. Yeah. I didn't remember that.
14:30
Yeah. So apparently this gives you credit seeing
14:33
as people actually want to do this stuff. Yeah.
14:35
And I'm not going to take full credit here. Alan.
14:38
was my inspiration for that piece of it. You
14:40
know, we got to brainstorm these days. Sure.
14:43
I came up with the pilots, the terrorists, the
14:45
U .S. Marshals, but when it comes to people wanting
14:48
to ride in the baggage compartments, that's all
14:51
Alan. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I can imagine the
14:54
people down in the baggage department getting
14:55
freaked out as bullet holes are coming through
14:57
the roof, or I guess the floor in that case.
15:00
Their roof, their floor. And just lights coming
15:02
through. Yeah. It gets hairy down there. We love
15:06
continuity on the program, you know, bringing
15:08
things back up like that. Absolutely. It gets
15:11
hairy. Is there just a lot of, like, wigs, I
15:13
assume? It's a lot of loose gerbils. Oh, okay.
15:18
So you just didn't explain the whole situation
15:20
when you said hairy. There's actually small mammals.
15:23
Of course. With their hairs attached to. Of course,
15:25
of course. Okay, okay. Is that a part of this
15:28
or is that just... Is it just how planes are
15:30
these days? I only travel with loose gerbils.
15:33
Okay. So that's mine. That's on me. Yeah. I got
15:36
to say. That's on every plane I fly is loose
15:38
gerbils. You know if you're a passenger getting
15:40
on a plane, you see some random guy showing up
15:43
with a bunch of small rodents. It's about to
15:45
be a wild fight. Yeah. You better learn your
15:48
passions quick. You better... Whose side are
15:52
you taking? You gotta figure out what you're
15:54
passionate about and you stick to that. And wear
15:56
a seatbelt because you know that plane's doing
15:58
a barrel roll. You ever cook those gerbils and
16:00
serve them on the little cart? So, I said at
16:04
the beginning I have a lot of pigs that... You
16:07
did. You did mention that. You kind of glossed
16:08
right over it. Those were what I was referencing,
16:11
my little guinea pigs. Oh. Okay. I see. So I
16:15
do kind of hold them near and dear as I dress
16:17
them up like former U .S. presidents. Got you.
16:20
So I do have a William Taft guinea pig. Sure.
16:23
He's stuck in a bathtub most of the time, though.
16:25
Sure. Yeah, so you really only come with, what,
16:28
47 guinea pigs? Yeah. One of them gets assassinated.
16:31
On the plane? Just, yeah. Is that like how you
16:34
kick off this whole thing? Pretty much. You're
16:35
like, everybody, get on your sides of the planes.
16:40
If you chose the terrorist, you get over here.
16:42
If you chose the marshal, if you chose the pilot,
16:45
get over here. On my go. And you just murder
16:48
the gerbil. It's not me. I have another gerbil,
16:51
a John Wilkes Booth gerbil, that takes out my
16:53
Abraham Lincoln gerbil. Got you. I mean, that
16:56
alone would get me on the plane to see a little
16:58
gerbil assassinate another gerbil. Yeah. With
17:01
a... Obviously a very small gun. Yeah, I mean,
17:03
that's the fun one. The other one, no one really
17:06
expects. My JFK gerbil is just kind of walking
17:09
around and then a bullet just flies out of nowhere.
17:11
Yeah, nobody expected that. Two bullets. There
17:15
were two bullets. No one saw it coming. No one
17:18
saw it coming. And then Alan's up there in his
17:20
ghillie suit on the grassy knoll. He is the grassy
17:23
knoll. Oh, he is the actual grassy knoll in this
17:25
situation. The guy is shooting on top of me.
17:31
Before all this happens, you play out just president
17:33
assassinations practically with just kind of
17:38
gerbils. Okay. And Evan, you've got no dog in
17:40
this fight, the liberal conservative fight. You're
17:44
a member of the Whig Party. So none of the...
17:48
You don't take a side. It's just purely reenactment.
17:51
This is just for historical accuracy. And the
17:55
Whig Party, the... What do the wigs believe?
17:58
That maybe you should walk around in wooden shoes,
18:00
I think. I don't remember what they believe in.
18:03
Yeah, but you were alive in the 1820s. Or the
18:07
1720s. How do you know my family hasn't been
18:09
practicing wigs? I don't know. How do you know?
18:14
I don't know, actually. And I didn't mean to
18:16
start a confrontation with you, Alan. I was just
18:20
saying. I was just throwing it out there. We
18:22
came back very angry and aggressive. I'm feeling
18:26
a lot of aggression coming from that side of
18:28
the room. I think that's great, Evan. I think
18:30
it's a dinner. I think it's a show. I think the
18:33
six -hour flight across country, it makes it
18:37
very fast. It makes it very entertaining. Before
18:39
you know it, you're there. And I mean heaven
18:41
or hell, depending on your beliefs. And everyone
18:44
is comfortable, and that's what I care about.
18:46
Sure. I'm sure everyone is comfortable with that
18:48
plane. It's doing turns and terrorists and air
18:53
marshals are bouncing around. Yeah, everyone
18:56
feels safe. Everyone is comfortable. And everyone
18:59
learns a little history. That's great. Quite
19:02
literally, little history. A little history.
19:06
And then we become history. Wow. That's great.
19:10
All right, Alan. You are dressed up in a cute
19:13
little flight attendant outfit. How do you handle
19:17
caring for those passengers on the 747 Airbus?
19:23
Let me paint you a picture. You woke up early.
19:25
You're walking through the airport. Those dogs
19:27
are tired. Those feet have been in shoes, out
19:30
of shoes, walking on the cold floor, the dirty
19:33
floor. You get on that plane. You're feeling
19:35
like, man, my feet need a good wash. I wish I
19:38
could get that on a plane. Sure, absolutely.
19:41
Relatable. Yeah. It's every man's battle. And
19:44
I'm here to tell you that that's how I would
19:46
handle my passengers. I would wash their feet.
19:48
Alan, right now, you're telling me as we start
19:51
back to this podcast, your answer to this question
19:54
is you're going to wash a dude's feet? Mm -hmm.
19:56
What I would do is I would crawl under the seats
19:59
like some sort of gremlin mole person. So this
20:03
is not consensual. Well, no. Like, they didn't
20:07
ask for it. I just know their feet are just nasty
20:11
and they need a wash. Sure. Yeah. So I come around
20:13
there with a cheese grater and just a lemon.
20:17
And I just start. Are you making a salad? A cheese
20:22
grater and a lemon? I thought you were just washing
20:24
their feet. Well, you wash the feet. But then
20:26
you also got to get rid of those corn cobs, you
20:29
know, down there. I don't think they're called
20:31
corn cobs. You got to take that cheese grater
20:33
and just start shaping those feet. Sure. Those
20:37
feet are nasty. There's no telling what kind
20:38
of germs they've been on. You got to get rid
20:40
of those dead skin cells. So just take that cheese
20:42
grater, start whittling basically, you know,
20:45
just carving off that nasty and then take that
20:49
lemon, that half of a lemon that you've cut and
20:52
just start massaging it into their feet. Okay.
20:54
So I think, um, I think I kind of know where
20:56
you're going with this and how the situation
20:57
plays out. The cheese grater, you're probably
20:59
not steady handed with that. I would say it's
21:03
probably like you're trying to dig through their
21:06
foot and that lemon coming subsequently has this
21:11
thing that has to be very painful. It does. I
21:13
have a bad case of the shakes. Is there any reason
21:18
for that? I am currently in a state of withdrawal.
21:22
Okay. From eating wood chips. Uh, I've been eating
21:26
wood chips for 19 years now. Um, and I'm trying
21:30
to get off of it. So I'm, I'm kind of having
21:32
a tough time coming down. So I've just had the
21:34
shakes for the past few months. So my hand is
21:38
not as steady as it used to be. Is there a reason
21:41
you aim for when the plane is going through turbulence
21:44
versus when you're just at cruising speed? I'm
21:46
trying to cancel out my shakes with the shakes
21:49
of the plane. So if I'm shaking and the plane
21:52
goes through turbulence and it starts shaking,
21:54
maybe it'll counteract my shakes. And then it'll
21:56
just be, I won't be slicing open feet all the
21:59
time. Yeah, well, that's a big maybe because
22:01
either it would counteract. Or it would make
22:03
it twice as bad. It would make it twice as bad.
22:05
It's the extremes of either. Either it's a perfect,
22:08
smooth skin repair or they've lost their foot
22:12
entirely. And I think that that's just something
22:15
you're going to have to live with. Yeah, yeah.
22:20
Sometimes that wanted this. They're, they're
22:22
the ones that wanted it. They, you know, while
22:25
they didn't verbally ask, Hey, can you fix my
22:28
foot? You know, I know it's what they want. You
22:30
could tell by the way they were. I can always
22:32
tell a foot guy. They were asking. I, here's
22:36
how I imagine. Let's, let's kind of, let's make
22:38
this real. So I imagine you're kind of scooting
22:41
through underneath the plane seats on your back.
22:44
So like when you come out of somebody between
22:46
somebody's legs, you're facing. You face it up.
22:49
Yeah. And that way you can catch the shavings
22:51
in your mouth. Oh, God. I mean, it's a good substitute
22:54
for the wood chips. And are you kind of breaking
22:59
them down psychologically as you come through
23:03
beneath their legs, you're looking up, you start
23:05
removing their footwear? You break them down
23:09
physically. You break them down physically by
23:11
insulting them. Yeah, I say stuff like, ooh,
23:15
them dogs nasty. And then they're kind of like,
23:18
what? What the heck? I'm like, what are you doing
23:22
down there, man? And I'm like, you know, I'm
23:23
doing what you asked for. These people are very
23:25
calm. Let me ask you this. Let's say you have
23:28
an especially bad case of the shakes that day
23:32
and turbulence hits. And really, it's not the
23:35
correct oscillation of turbulence. And you lop
23:38
off a toe. What do you normally do in that situation?
23:42
Do you keep that toe as maybe a keepsake? Maybe
23:45
you have it around a necklace and you look like
23:48
an indigenous tribesman. You know, what do you
23:50
do in that case? Because I'm sure it happens.
23:52
It happens more often than you think. It happened
23:55
more when I was using a circular saw. But now
23:57
I'm just using the cheese grater. So it happens
24:00
less. Yeah, I am keeping the toe. And that's
24:03
just a personal little treat for me. The problem
24:06
is replacing it. Oh, you do try to replace it.
24:08
I do. And I have painted carrots and I've painted
24:12
a variety of skin tones. So what I do is I tape
24:18
those to their feet if one comes off. You run
24:20
into this kind of thing every once in a while.
24:22
I think everybody that's grading people's feet
24:25
on an airplane during turbulence has had experienced
24:28
this before. You have a lot of people out there
24:30
shaking their heads. Yeah, there's a lot of people
24:32
at home thinking, well, man, I thought I was
24:35
the only one. The good thing about the carrots,
24:38
too, is that if you get hungry, you got a nice
24:40
little snack right there. You certainly do. You
24:42
certainly do. You just don't want to mix up the
24:44
toe bag with the carrot bag. That's very true.
24:47
Nobody wants to be the guy that accidentally
24:49
ate a toe. No. You know? They wanted to be purposefully
24:53
the one. Yeah. If you're eating a toe, you're
24:56
probably wanting to make sure you're doing it
24:57
on purpose. You know, an accidental toe eat.
24:59
Not a big deal. Not a big deal. So let me, again,
25:02
let me make this more real for us. So now we've
25:05
had the image of Alan scooting on his back underneath
25:09
the, between the, betwixt the legs of the passengers
25:12
under the seat. But now that I realize that you're
25:14
accidentally cutting off toes, you are bloody.
25:18
So you have, you have this individual. with a
25:21
cheese grater and a bag of carrots, with a toe
25:24
necklace coming up underneath the legs. It's
25:27
surprising that people let you do this. Though,
25:30
honestly, they're sitting there thinking like,
25:31
what if I don't let him do this? Yeah, you've
25:34
got a guy crawling under seats that looks like
25:36
a butcher, you know, just covered in blood with
25:39
my like little white apron. There's sort of an
25:42
implication that if you don't, something might
25:44
go wrong. Because of the implication, right?
25:46
Like, he might take more than just a toe. Yeah.
25:49
The heavy breathing you're doing. Yeah, yeah,
25:51
yeah. He might take knee down, you know? Like,
25:53
you got to put yourself in the shoes of these
25:57
travelers. You know, they're going somewhere.
25:59
They're probably going to need that leg. And
26:00
you do put yourself in the shoes of these travelers.
26:03
I do. You wear the shoes. When I take them off.
26:07
uh, take the passenger's shoes off. I've then
26:09
put them on my feet. So I'm barefoot actually
26:11
when I'm doing this. Okay. Um, you get better
26:13
grip on the floor, but, uh, I'm taking off their
26:17
shoes, putting them on me while I operate on
26:20
their feet. Yeah. They got to go somewhere. They
26:22
got to go somewhere. And my hands are full, you
26:24
know, so. Once I'm done, then I put the shoe
26:29
back on the foot. I bet that's painful after
26:31
that lemon. Just sliding that shoe back on. I
26:34
bet there's some gnashing of teeth and some moans.
26:37
It's for the greater good. Yeah, I would say
26:40
so. It's probably for the greater good. I think
26:42
that's very interesting. I'm going to say that's
26:45
very interesting because I'm scared of what happens
26:48
if I don't. Let's just keep you in that chair
26:49
over there. Yeah, you don't have to worry about
26:53
me in the chair. It's when I'm sliding under
26:55
the chair that you need to panic. Yeah, that's
26:57
good. That's a great thing. It really helps the
27:01
people relax as they fly around this world. All
27:05
right, here's what I do as a flight attendant.
27:07
And before I do this and answer this question,
27:10
I want to kind of set the tone and the mood.
27:14
So, producer, if you'll give me some suspenseful
27:16
music. For ages, for centuries, across cultures,
27:21
People have seen Bigfoot. Around the campfire
27:24
and over mills, stories have been told about
27:27
seeing a large hairy ape walking through the
27:30
woods. Even with modern technology, modern knowledge,
27:34
modern virgin men, we still can't seem to find
27:42
him. And I have a theory on this. I have a theory
27:44
on why we can't find him. It's because there's
27:48
only one and he's well... traveled he's always
27:52
scurrying through the woods seems to be going
27:54
somewhere seems to be in a rush he's an ape in
27:58
the woods when does he need to go so quickly
28:00
it's because he's trying to catch a flight he's
28:03
trying to catch a flight and that's why he doesn't
28:06
stand and talk to anybody he's always rushing
28:09
to get to his terminal the lines the the security
28:12
lines he doesn't want to yeah get stuck in security
28:14
exactly did you say virgin men yes virgin men
28:17
yes but as a stewardess on a flight i will conduct
28:22
bigfoot hunts now it's unknown to me whether
28:26
bigfoot is in the sky flying on some Leonardo
28:30
da Vinci flying contraptions, or if he's on the
28:34
very plane that you are on. Because I truly do
28:37
believe he's just jumping around country to country
28:40
on these flights. Nobody ever sees him on these
28:43
flights. He's hiding in plain sight. He's hiding
28:46
in plain. Plain sight. Where a plane can always
28:52
see him. Yes. Absolutely. Evan cracked my code.
28:58
Let me ask you a question here. Do you think
28:59
he spends more time on the ground or in the air?
29:02
And what's the percentage? That's a good question.
29:05
I feel like he does spend more time on the ground.
29:07
He spends more time on the ground as a whole,
29:09
but not in a single area. Because he's always
29:12
trying to catch a flight. He's always bouncing
29:13
place to place. So as a stewardess, I will conduct
29:16
these hunts on the planes. I will get everybody
29:20
riled up. I'll get them pitchforks and... torches
29:24
and i will say that we have an issue we have
29:27
an issue on this plane and we need to get them
29:30
off we need to get them off the plane with it
29:32
the issue is he the issue is he doesn't need
29:34
to be got off it you know what i'm saying sure
29:37
he has an issue with that too But there are people,
29:41
we start building maybe outposts on aisles, right?
29:46
Surveillance equipment, drones up and down the
29:50
aisles, just making sure if he's on that plane,
29:53
we're finally going to catch him. And I will
29:56
be the first person to actually catch Bigfoot
29:59
because I really do think that is where he is
30:02
inevitably going to be caught. So do you think
30:05
he is an actual passenger on the plane? Like
30:07
he's hiding, he has like a face -off disguise
30:10
on? Or is he hiding somewhere in the cabin? He
30:15
very well could be. Like I said, I'm not really
30:17
sure. You're not sure. Maybe if we might be flying
30:20
30 ,000 feet in the air and he's peddling on
30:24
one of those whirligig things that Leonardo DiCaprio
30:27
came up with. And maybe we shoot him down with
30:30
an artillery cannon. DiCaprio? Da Vinci. Da Vinci.
30:37
A Catchy Me If You Can situation. Sure. He's
30:40
always in disguise. Exactly. Let me ask you this.
30:43
Yeah. You're obviously, I mean, you're trying
30:45
to find him. You're narrowing it down. Do you
30:47
think he prefers specific airports? Like, do
30:51
you think he's more likely to hang out at DFW
30:53
or LaGuardia? Or where are you finding this guy
30:57
more often? I think he's going to hang out at
30:59
the airports with most Starbucks. Okay. Because
31:01
he's a basic B. yeah basic bigfoot basic bigfoot
31:05
exactly i mean evan and i are in the same wavelength
31:08
they always say he is thirsty for attention i
31:11
mean that's why they got all these pictures of
31:13
him you know right so he's and they're always
31:15
of his his back you know yeah yeah yeah and they
31:18
for some reason always these people always seem
31:21
to crop out the rolling luggage that he's dragging
31:24
behind yeah as he as he goes there um but yeah
31:28
if he's he might be on the outside flying in
31:30
a whirligig contraption by leonardo da vinci
31:33
in a leonardo dicaprio type movie where he's
31:37
hiding in plain sight in disguises so how do
31:40
you if he is in a whirly gig outside the plane
31:43
how are you finding him with our eyes in the
31:45
plane he's just flying his plane isn't a submarine
31:48
evan it has windows do you also have access to
31:53
a whirly gig do i have access to yeah Because
31:56
I think the best way to find him, if he is using
31:59
one of those things, is to also use one of those
32:02
things. What a silly air fight that would be.
32:06
People just like peddling on something that just
32:10
kind of spins in the air. But, you know, in case
32:13
we do see him outside with our eyes through the...
32:15
I don't know where that question was going. We
32:17
see them through the window. He's just flying
32:19
alongside. Yeah, he just... He likes to... He's
32:23
a companion flyer, you know? You might cross
32:25
paths. I don't think he's patched into air traffic
32:28
control to know where the planes are coming and
32:30
going. So you just got to stick with one to make
32:32
sure he gets out? Yeah. And sometimes I outfit
32:36
the plane like an AC -130 with some big old cannons
32:40
and guns. So that way, if we see him, we just
32:42
shoot him out of the sky. That was going to be
32:44
the culmination of my question here is, what
32:47
are you doing if you finally find him? Here's
32:49
my theory. I think B .D. Cooper. Bigfoot. Who?
32:54
B .D. Cooper. Is he different than D .B. Cooper?
32:58
This is B .D. Big. Dick. Cooper. Bigfoot. Dick.
33:05
Cooper. I'm really killing it on the names today.
33:08
Yes. D .B. Cooper. Not B .D. Cooper. It was actually
33:12
a typo. It was. It was. The Bigfoot can't spell
33:16
and rhyme. He was trying to throw people off
33:19
his tail. You know, by changing those letters.
33:21
Right. And it got y 'all confused. Y 'all didn't
33:24
realize I was talking about the same person.
33:25
But I think it was him. I think the reason we
33:28
can't find him, think about where he jumped off
33:30
of. He'd landed in the woods. Perfect place for
33:34
Bigfoot. Exactly where he lives naturally anyway.
33:38
What did Bigfoot have a need for all that money
33:40
for? I say, you know, he was a basic bee, a basic
33:43
Bigfoot. So Starbucks, maybe he was, you know,
33:46
getting a thong. Oh. Maybe. I don't know. That's
33:52
what I'm hoping for. He's always dragging luggage
33:55
through woods and through trees. He's got to
33:58
get some new luggage constantly, I'm sure. Probably.
34:01
To carry all his thongs. Got to get a new Samsonite.
34:04
I'm going to stick on the thong thing. I think
34:05
that's what he's... Well, let's hone in on that
34:08
here for a minute. Please. Does he not wear anything
34:11
else? No, it's just a thong. Okay. Because I
34:14
truly believe if you catch Bigfoot, you have
34:18
to touch nipples together. To get his powers.
34:22
That's right. Get his powers. And by that, I
34:30
mean your nipples have to touch his nipples.
34:32
Like it's a car battery. We knew what you meant.
34:35
There's a negative and a positive. But trust
34:37
me, there's a negative, but it's all positive.
34:40
You know what I'm saying? You just got to drain
34:46
the life out of Bigfoot through his nipples?
34:48
Or what is this? Hold on, hold on. Is it straight
34:54
nipple -to -nipple contact, or is there a conduit?
34:59
But no, there's no conduit. The more surface
35:04
area you connect to, the more magic you receive.
35:08
Okay. What are some of the powers that Bigfoot
35:15
has? I thought you were just trying to find Bigfoot
35:22
to kill him, but this makes so much more sense.
35:28
What are some of Bigfoot's powers? Number one,
35:31
he's a great typer. Okay. 200 words a minute.
35:35
Easily. Yeah. He looks great in converses. Is
35:39
that like a transferable power? Yeah. I think
35:42
if I were to touch nipples with Bigfoot, I would
35:47
also look good in a pair of Chuck Taylors. Fair
35:49
enough. That would be a very fast hyper. He can
35:53
see his own butthole pretty good. Just bend down,
35:56
look underneath, check his oil. Good for him.
36:00
That's very good. Oh, gosh. I don't know what
36:06
you thought Powers meant. He's not a superhero.
36:08
He's not a superhero. He's a Bigfoot, right?
36:10
Sure. He just has skills, I guess you would say,
36:13
more so than Powers. Okay. But really, really,
36:16
it's just the physical connection that I'm really
36:18
looking for. Do you think that this nipple touch,
36:24
whatever, calls you to body swap Freaky Friday
36:26
style? I think in a way it does. I think you
36:29
will see everything from his perspective because
36:31
I'm hoping that he will let me piggyback ride
36:33
on him and I will be literally at his perspective
36:36
level as he's trotting through the woods. And
36:39
you'll gain all his memories. I'll gain one memory
36:42
and that's me assaulting him. Poor Bigfoot. Oh,
36:52
man. I think he might be running away from me.
36:54
Yeah. I think that's why he's always trying to
36:57
hop countries and get away. Never one place for
37:01
very long because I'm out for him. You're always
37:05
running after him with your nips out. Yeah. Your
37:07
nip first. Nip first. That's what I would do
37:11
as a flight attendant. I don't know. We'll hunt
37:14
for Bigfoot, obviously for research, and that's
37:16
totally it. Everything is above board. Yeah.
37:20
Heaven forbid the people on that flight see me
37:22
catch Bigfoot because, oof, it's going to be
37:25
a lot of rustling. And regret. Yeah. What about
37:30
some on -flight entertainment? But there you
37:33
go. There's what we will do if we're a flight
37:36
attendant. Not advice. This is kind of our personal
37:39
opinion and our direction. But write us in, questionableretourpodcast
37:43
at gmail .com. If you have a hypothetical you
37:47
want us to answer, go ahead and write us in.
37:49
Tell us. We'd love to hear from you. But let's
37:51
jump into our next segment where we actually
37:54
give people advice and bestow wisdom on them.
37:58
How can I help? What can I do? I need help. All
38:04
right, guys. You know, this was a staple of the
38:08
Questionable Detour podcast back a couple years
38:11
ago, right? Where we are the wisest people that
38:13
you can come to. That you can listen to. That
38:15
you can listen to. We're the wisest people that
38:19
you can listen to and get advice from. And we
38:20
have a listener writing in needing help in just
38:25
a normal average life situation that he needs
38:29
help navigating. And thankfully, we're here to
38:31
do that for him. So, Alan, I think you have the
38:34
email if you want to tell everybody what this
38:36
guy's problem is. Yeah, so we got an email from
38:40
a listener named Taylor. And Taylor says, how
38:42
do I convince my dad to let me shave my legs?
38:46
Taylor goes on to say, so my legs are very hairy
38:50
and I don't hate it. I just like to shave it.
38:53
I did it twice back when I was 15. After the
38:56
first time, he scolded me when I came back home
38:59
and said I'm not allowed to do it without his
39:01
permission. The second time, my ex did it and
39:05
it was in winter. So it was with long clothes
39:11
so he didn't know. I want to do it again and
39:14
asked him. He said no. I kept pestering him,
39:17
and he said I can do it when my calf is 44 centimeters
39:20
flexed. That's so specific. Very specific. He
39:27
goes on to say it's 34 centimeters now. I told
39:32
him no, and he's being unfair. I told him that
39:35
shaving my beard, nose, eyebrows, underarm is
39:38
fine, but legs ain't. He ignored me. I asked
39:43
my mom, and she said my dad's answer is final.
39:45
She said that it also grows back thicker, and
39:49
I said it's not true. I turn 18 in literally
39:52
four weeks, but I'm not allowed to shave my legs.
39:56
Wow. Wow. So we have a young listener here just
39:59
starting out in life. And for some reason, he's
40:01
trying to die on the hill that he needs to shave
40:03
his legs. So guys, you know, having maybe a helicopter
40:07
parent here. Dad has weird length stipulations.
40:10
I don't know if that's something subliminal or
40:13
not. But how would y 'all help Taylor in this
40:16
situation with his parents, with his dad, and
40:20
his shaving his legs? I think the stipulations
40:23
are... Pretty strange here. He wants him to go
40:25
from 44 centimeters. He's 34 right now. That's
40:27
another 10 centimeters. And I do freedom units,
40:30
so I'm not sure how much that is. Yeah. It seems
40:32
like a lot. It's 10. 10 somethings. 10 somethings.
40:37
And 10 units of length. And that just sounds
40:40
like a lot. So easy answer is work out a bunch,
40:44
get your legs really swole. Hey, then you're
40:47
meeting his criteria. Then you can shave it.
40:49
But we don't do anything easy here. We don't
40:52
want to do anything easy. That's taking the cheap
40:54
way out of life. And you're not going to learn
40:55
anything if you're always taking the cheap way,
40:57
the easy way out of situations. We love to be
41:01
hard here. If you're going to do anything, be
41:03
hard doing it. Do it the hard way. Do it rock
41:07
hard. And so saying that, what I want you to
41:12
do, Taylor, my advice for you. It is legally
41:15
binding. You do have to do at least one of ours.
41:17
That's right. That is true. That's the caveat.
41:19
We need to give that stipulation because as y
41:22
'all may know, if you have listened to us before,
41:24
when we give advice, the people that write in
41:26
have to legally do at least one of our advices.
41:31
Now, they can do all of them, but they legally
41:34
have to do one. So I had to remind everybody
41:36
of the stipulation there. And this differs from
41:38
the hypotheticals because the hypotheticals are
41:39
not legally binding. Right. But we do suggest
41:42
you do that. Right, of course. So my advice for
41:45
you, if you dare take it, if you choose to accept
41:47
it, is get surgical implants in your calf. Buff
41:51
those baby up to at least 46 centimeters. That
41:55
way he doesn't have any leg to stand on when
41:57
you come back to him and you say, hey, these
41:59
legs, these calves of mine, 46 centimeters, which
42:03
I'm assuming is the size of a small dog. I don't
42:06
know. Probably. But if you're going to do that,
42:10
you don't want to look, wonky when you're done
42:12
sure so you might as well get breast implants
42:14
butt implants ah yes really just take it the
42:18
length that you need to to keep your whole body
42:20
symmetrical because you don't want to have just
42:22
like a flat body and then massive calves sure
42:24
so you're telling taylor to go in and kim kardashian
42:27
it yes be the michelin man be the michelin man
42:32
And really, his dad won't even notice his calves
42:35
if he has breast implants. That is true. Exactly.
42:38
He won't see that you don't have hair on your
42:41
legs anymore. He won't care about that. He'll
42:43
have so many other things to care about. Because
42:46
you've got breast implants. You have breast implants.
42:48
Yeah. You have lip filler. He's going to care
42:51
about everything else. So you can then shave
42:54
your legs. Yeah, he's going to be like, the hair
42:58
on your legs actually doesn't mean that much
43:00
anymore. has dwindled in importance exactly i
43:04
think that's great so your advice to him is in
43:07
get implants everywhere i get augmentations in
43:11
his legs but also everywhere else yeah bbl breast
43:15
implants lip implants uh maybe some face injections
43:19
that's that's i think i think that's great that's
43:22
a fantastic what a what a great piece of advice
43:24
to start on because i mean that's a winner already
43:26
you know uh all right alan Taylor needs help
43:29
with his father and shaving his own legs. What
43:31
should he do? See, what I think here is that
43:35
the problem isn't big enough for the dad. I think
43:38
you need to add more hair to that leg. See, when
43:40
your dad looks at your legs, he's like, there's
43:43
not enough hair worth shaving. It's not worth
43:45
the time of day. You know, you're wasting your
43:47
time. You could be out. You could be out getting
43:49
a job. You could be out. learning a trade instead
43:52
you want to be inside shaving your legs but you
43:55
need to make it add more hair to your legs so
43:57
he sees a reason to shave so just go to your
44:00
dad when he's asleep shave his legs shave his
44:03
legs bare shave his legs his father's legs yes
44:06
yes take that hair glue it to your leg your father's
44:11
gonna wake up insecure as all get out he's got
44:14
no hair on his legs he's feeling a little bit
44:16
more of a breeze oh yeah he's feeling cool yeah
44:19
he's Maybe more aerodynamic, he feels. Maybe
44:23
he wants to take up biking. Yeah. Has feelings
44:26
about Lance Armstrong, you know? He's going to
44:29
see that and he's going to say, oh my God, my
44:32
legs are bare. My son has more hair than me.
44:35
He's going to feel insecure. He's immediately
44:37
going to say, in this family now, we shave our
44:39
legs. Permission granted. You've got your legs
44:42
are too hairy. I want you to match me. I don't
44:44
want you to have the leg up on me. Oh, very good.
44:47
Very good. So the father's not going to question
44:50
the crudely taped on and glued on extra hair
44:53
on Taylor's leg? He's going to be just seeing
44:55
red. He's just so furious that his legs have
44:58
been shaved. Because Taylor cut up his legs so
45:00
much and there's blood everywhere? Covered in
45:02
blood. He's not a good shaver. He did not use
45:04
an electric razor at all. It's an old school
45:06
straight razor. It's a Civil War doctor's razor.
45:10
I think it could be something that he and Taylor
45:13
can sort of bond over as just two dudes that
45:15
have bald legs. I think that's so good. Really,
45:18
really good pieces of advice here. I'm going
45:21
to kind of go kind of a similar way, but kind
45:24
of the opposite way. You know, Alan said, gain
45:26
more hair. Evan said, gain more silicone in your
45:30
body. I say, reduce your body. Yeah. If your
45:34
dad... does not want you to shave your legs.
45:37
If he doesn't let you shave your legs, go extreme.
45:41
Amputate your legs. Yeah. In the middle of your
45:44
house with a handsaw. And while you're gritting
45:49
and gnashing your teeth and you're crying, say,
45:52
is this what you wanted, dad? You didn't want
45:54
me to shave. You didn't want me to shave my legs.
45:57
So now I don't have legs. And I think that will
46:01
make him go, okay, I should have let, little
46:05
Taylor here shave his legs. Cause now he's getting
46:09
everything all messy in my house. Cause blood's
46:11
everywhere. And he's, you know, the rest of the
46:13
family's crying and now there's just amputated
46:16
legs all over the house. So I think that's the
46:19
way to go. I think that will really put into
46:21
perspective for Taylor's dad that maybe, maybe
46:24
the leg shaving wasn't all that bad when now
46:26
my son has no legs. I think it's good. It's going
46:29
to be more problem on the parents too. I mean,
46:31
now they're going to have to take care of a one
46:32
legged kid. Yeah. One legged. Oh, I was saying
46:35
both legs. Oh. Both legs. Okay, okay. So now
46:38
they're taking care of a no -legged kid. That's
46:41
more problem on them for probably their entire
46:43
life. Like, that kid's not leaving home. No,
46:45
absolutely not. And then maybe his dad will let
46:48
him shave his amputated leg. Gosh, we can only
46:50
hope. Yeah, you know? Like a little practice
46:52
doll. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's like, give it
46:56
some practice. For when he needs to shave his
46:59
own legs again. Sure, yeah, you know. But there
47:02
you go, Taylor. Three options. One of them you
47:05
have to do legally. You have to do it. Doesn't
47:07
matter which one. Doesn't matter what you could
47:09
do. Theoretically, you could do all of them.
47:11
We made it so you could do all of them. Maybe
47:13
you put silicone in your legs first. Maybe you
47:15
put your dad's hair on your legs. And then maybe,
47:18
finally... You amputate them. I think you'd have
47:20
to end with yours, though, for sure. Yeah. I
47:22
mean, I guess technically you wouldn't have to.
47:24
You would just be playing with some amputated
47:25
legs. Sure. That gets a little weird. Yeah. You
47:28
know, and we don't want to be weird here. No.
47:30
We're a very serious program. We're very, very
47:32
serious. Obviously, trying to give out the best
47:35
advice we can. But there you go, Taylor. Three
47:37
options. You have to do one of them. Write us
47:40
back. Tell us what you did. Tell us the outcome
47:42
of it. We'd love to know what the outcome of
47:45
our advice was. But. Let's jump into our final
47:48
segment, Mad Libs. Mad Lib, Mad Lib, Mad Lib.
47:52
All right. So listeners know that we are great
47:56
storytellers. And, you know, Mad Libs are a great
47:59
way to kind of help us tell stories. And we have
48:03
expansive vocabularies. And so we really do well
48:07
with Mad Libs. So I have a Mad Lib here, guys.
48:09
Now, this is called A Letter from Camp. Now,
48:12
I assume this is you writing a letter home as
48:15
if you are from camp. Now, I don't know the story,
48:18
but we're going to start with the words we want
48:21
to kind of put in the story. So give me a relative,
48:25
like a family member or something. Second cousin
48:28
once removed. Okay. All right. Give me an adjective.
48:31
Rumpy. Frumpy. Give me another adjective. Slick.
48:37
Slick. Give me one more adjective. Crispy. Crispy.
48:41
All right. It says name a person in the room.
48:43
I'm going to put Evan. Great. Good choice. Great,
48:46
great, great. I'm going to give me an adjective.
48:48
I'm going to spice it up and say horny. Let's
48:51
just see how that adds. I mean, it's camp, right?
48:53
It does change the... Things happen at camp.
48:54
Yeah, things happen at camp. A lot of exploration,
48:57
a lot of discovery at camp. All right. Give me
48:59
another adjective. Mucky. Lucky? Mucky. Mucky.
49:02
Okay. All right. Give me a verb ending in erectile
49:06
dysfunction. Oh, E -D. I'm sorry. A verb ending
49:10
in E -D? Yes. Chronicled. Give me a body part.
49:14
This could go a lot of directions. I feel like
49:17
y 'all should choose correctly here. Lobe. Lobe?
49:21
Lobe, like an earlobe. Ah, okay. Lobe. All right,
49:24
give me a verb ending in I -N -G. Fiddling. Fiddling.
49:27
Give me a noun, a plural noun. Evan, did you
49:30
say Jews? Is that what you said? Jews. Great,
49:33
Evan. That's fantastic right there. Give me a
49:36
noun. I guess it can be singular. We're going
49:38
to say gooch. Okay. Give me an adverb. Succinctly.
49:42
Succinctly? There's no way I spelled that right.
49:44
Give me another verb. Thrashed. Give me another
49:48
verb. Banged. Give me another relative. So another
49:52
family member. Grandpa. Why haven't we added
49:55
him in here yet? Of course he's in here. Now
49:57
it's asking me for another person in the room.
49:59
So we're going to go Alan. All right. Now here's
50:02
the letter that Alan is writing from camp. Wow.
50:06
All right. It says, dear second cousin once removed.
50:09
You don't know his name. Sure. I just know the
50:12
relation and that's it. You're going purely by
50:14
the family tree. I am having a frumpy time at
50:17
camp. Yeah. The counselor is slick and the food
50:21
is crisp. Hold on. Pause. Pause. What would you
50:27
classify as a frumpy time? I think maybe your
50:30
love handles are hanging out. Okay. Maybe you're
50:33
missing a shoe. Uh -huh. You're wearing a crop
50:35
top. Maybe you're missing it. It's a croc, too.
50:39
Like, you're missing a croc. You have one croc,
50:40
you're walking around like that. The question
50:42
is, what does slick mean? Does this mean physically
50:45
slick? Like, if he falls, he just keeps sliding?
50:48
Or maybe he's just, you know. Covered in wind
50:49
necks. I met Evan, and we've become... No. This
50:56
is not going to end well. I just got really lightheaded.
51:00
I met Evan. And we became horny friends. Unfortunately,
51:09
Evan is mucky. And I chronicled my lobe so we
51:16
couldn't go fiddling. I need more juice and goot
51:29
sharpener. So please succinctly thrashed more
51:37
when you bang. That last sentence, I don't know
51:44
what Evan was doing to you, but you were making
51:48
a lot of sense there, Alan. It's like I had a
51:51
stroke. When you banged back. Oh, okay. Wow.
52:01
Yeah, so please succinctly thrash more when you
52:03
bang back. I don't know what, Alan, maybe you
52:06
can give us some insight on what that last sentence
52:07
meant, but it sounds like you had a pretty good
52:11
time at camp. I mean, it seems some ups and downs
52:13
with it, you know. So when you bang back, that's
52:16
just like talking on the phone. Yeah, okay. So
52:18
it's like, you know how when you're like, hey,
52:20
bang me back in a second. Bang my line. Yeah,
52:24
you're just speaking hip hop, right? Bang my
52:27
line. I'll bang you right back. Hold on. All
52:33
right, Alan. So maybe you should go and tell
52:36
us what that camp was. You and Evan became horny
52:39
friends. It was actually a trumpet camp. Ah,
52:43
lots of blowing going on. Lots of blowing. But
52:46
that's kind of where the whole horn part came
52:48
from. Ah, okay. You got out of that. Okay. Yeah,
52:52
yeah, yeah. You said the counselor was slick.
52:55
You were the slick one here. You weaseled your
52:57
way out of that horny friend situation. You got
52:58
that right. We're changing the narrative here,
53:00
baby. It was trumpet camp. So Evan and I, you
53:05
know, good friend. But y 'all blew together.
53:07
That's how class goes. Sure. I feel like you
53:09
could have worded the letter a little better.
53:11
Maybe you could have said we were brass friends.
53:14
Yeah. Or just trumpet friends. Or friends that
53:17
like to, you know, use wind instruments. Uh -huh.
53:21
Yeah, horny friends was a weird choice of words
53:23
there. Yeah, you know, kind of looking back on
53:25
it, it seems like I probably... I don't know,
53:28
maybe wrote it a little too quickly, a little
53:29
too hastily. Didn't proofread that one. Yeah,
53:31
I didn't. Especially the last sentence. I probably
53:34
should have given it a little peer review from
53:36
a friend, you know, maybe had you look over it
53:38
before I sent it to my second cousin once removed.
53:41
Yeah, maybe you should have reviewed it, but
53:43
like maybe like six feet away, not too close
53:45
to Alan. Yeah, yeah, this is, I mean, this is
53:47
just trumpet camp. You know, what we're doing
53:49
is we're, we're just learning how to play the
53:51
instrument, play the horn, if you will. And banging
53:54
each other back. And so, yeah, you know, that's
53:57
kind of slang that we use at the camp. We just
53:59
say, like, you know, I'm headed home, bang me
54:02
back later, and we'll talk about the trumpets.
54:05
So for our next one, it's just a simple love
54:08
letter. We can say Evan's writing it since Alan
54:11
wrote the letter from camp. All right, so it's
54:15
just a simple love letter that Evan is writing.
54:17
So name a person in the room. Let's go ahead
54:19
and just say Alan. Make that simple. Sure, I
54:22
love. All right, give me a noun. T -bone. T,
54:26
T -bone. All right. Give me a superlative ending
54:30
in E -S -T. So give me a superlative ending in
54:33
E -S -T. Moistest. Moistest. We love that. Give
54:37
me a noun. School. This is a love letter. No,
54:42
no, no. You've locked it in there, Evan. You
54:45
can't change it. Body part. Give me a body part.
54:49
Nostril. Give me a verb ending in I -N -G. Cruising.
54:54
Give me a noun. Weathervane. Weathervane? Weathervane.
55:00
Okay. Give me a verb. Shooting. That's what we're
55:04
talking about. Let's get shooting in there. Give
55:06
me an event. Let's go ahead and say Ramadan.
55:09
Really be inclusive here. Sure. Give me a day
55:13
of the week. There's only seven of them, so this
55:15
shouldn't be hard. Let's go with Thursday. Okay.
55:17
Give me a verb. Slinking. Slinking. Slinking.
55:23
Give me another verb. Crawling. Give me a place.
55:26
The Burj Khalifa. I don't know how to spell that,
55:30
but give me a time span. So I don't know if that's
55:32
years or... Let's go with fall break. Oh, okay.
55:37
Just a good four -day time span. Yeah, just,
55:40
okay. Let's do another verb. Splunking. Splunking,
55:45
okay. Sound dirty is just going into caves. It's
55:48
a, you know, give me an adverb. Quietly. And
55:50
another person in the room. I don't know what
55:52
that means. We're going to put Evan. We're just
55:54
going to keep with that trend. So this is to
55:56
Alan from Evan. So Evan is writing this letter.
56:00
It has come to my T -bone. Does not make a lot
56:03
of sense, but weirdly also makes a lot of sense.
56:05
It has come to your T -bone that you are the
56:09
moistest girl boy in the school. The moistest
56:12
what? Girl boy. Girl boy. Girl slash boy. You're
56:15
my girl boy. You're my girl boy. He's writing
56:17
this to you. You're a girl boy. You're the moistest.
56:20
You're the moistest of the girls. You're the
56:21
moistest girl boy. Was that one of our choices
56:23
that we said? Oh. What? I think it's just like
56:25
part of the Mad Lib is girl boy. Oh, oh, yeah.
56:28
Okay, I got it. Girl slash boy. Did I have a
56:30
stroke and miss that? No, no. But, Alan, you're
56:34
the moistest girl boy in the school. Okay, okay.
56:36
What a title. Yeah. My nostrils start cruising
56:40
at a weather vane every time you speak. Go straight
56:44
to it. Yeah, you just start looking up in the
56:46
sky like a dog sniffing the air. Gotta get that
56:50
weather vane. Like it's raining. It's gonna rain.
56:54
Smell the moisture. I would like to shoot if
56:57
you want to go to Ramadan with me next time.
57:02
No way. I knew it was gonna go there. I regret
57:07
it as soon as I say it. Just some light terrorism.
57:12
Just some light terrorism. Sprinkle it in there.
57:16
I would like to shoot if you want to go to Ramadan
57:18
with me next Thursday. If you're slinking, please
57:21
crawling at the Burj Khalifa on fall break. I
57:25
sprinkle you and everything about you quietly,
57:30
Evan. So Evan, wow. I sprinkle this girl boy.
57:35
Sultry. I've always said that Alan is the most
57:40
moistest girl boy that I know. Constantly sweating.
57:44
Running a low -grade fever. And should we touch
57:47
on the fact that this would be evidence for terrorism?
57:51
Okay. You want to talk about the whole shooting
57:55
at Ramadan? It's more of like shooting my shot
57:57
at him to go him -her. Ah, I see. Okay, that
58:02
makes sense. I just typoed and comment mistake.
58:05
Sure. And as the girl boy, you would wear the
58:07
hood, the Muslim hood, right? Which would in
58:10
turn make you more moist as it seems like sweaty.
58:14
Yeah, I mean, there's not a lot of breathability,
58:16
I don't think, in one of those things. Yeah,
58:18
yeah. So really, that's great for Evan. He'd
58:20
just make you the more moisty girl boy. It'd
58:23
be nice because I could send somebody in my place
58:24
and wouldn't have to go, but he'd never know
58:26
because it'd just be somebody wrapped up in stuff.
58:28
Except he's right here. Hope you don't do that.
58:29
That would really kind of break my heart. Yeah,
58:31
that would make him snap, and he would be shooting
58:34
up something. He is a man on the edge. Oh, heroin.
58:38
You're sad. It's a sad situation for you. But
58:41
hey, I'm glad y 'all are connecting. Yeah. I
58:45
mean, I'm glad Evan has finally found his moistest
58:48
girl boy and possibly going to do some violence
58:50
against the whole religious group. Did you, were
58:53
you expecting me to be so eloquent? In my speech?
58:56
No. In my writing? Honestly, you wrote very...
58:59
I mean, honestly, this could... If you put, like,
59:01
Amazing Grace behind me reading this, it would
59:04
almost read like a Civil War love letter, you
59:07
know, from a soldier back home. Can you tell
59:10
me what I sprinkle you and everything about you
59:13
means? You know how whenever you love somebody,
59:15
you like to pee on them. No, it's like... You
59:25
gotta claim what's yours. Marking your territory
59:27
like a dog. Practical, not sexual. I understand.
59:32
It's not weird. Whenever I want to tell somebody
59:35
I love them, it's like my cutesy way of saying,
59:37
hey, I love you. I sprinkle you with my urine.
59:40
And so not I sprinkle you, but everything about
59:43
you. So you're just going around into their house,
59:45
urinating on all of their belongings. If I don't
59:48
mark the territory, somebody else might take
59:50
it. Sure. Alan, does this read as love to you?
59:54
Why do you think he's the moistest girl boy?
59:56
Ah, that makes sense. Yeah, there's been a lot
59:58
of sprinkling. I don't know that it necessarily
1:00:01
reads as love. maybe more territorial, you know?
1:00:05
Sure, like an animal. A lot of ownership seems
1:00:08
here. Evan's trying to lay claim to a lot of
1:00:10
things. Well, what's more loving than owning
1:00:12
you? I love you so much, I want to own you. The
1:00:16
classic Southern argument here. Well, honestly,
1:00:19
you know, now that really these two letters make
1:00:22
sense to each other, right? Right? Alan described...
1:00:27
Evan is his horny friend. And then Evan's planning
1:00:31
on peeing on him and doing some light terrorism.
1:00:34
So really, it's a love story of the century.
1:00:37
Tale as old as time. Yeah, it's a real Romeo
1:00:39
and Juliet. I'm waiting for Disney to pick it
1:00:42
up and create a very fun animated movie out of
1:00:45
it. But that's it. I mean, first episode back,
1:00:48
super excited. The seats are warm. Alan's moist.
1:00:53
Yeah, glistening. The moistest boy girl that
1:00:56
we know. But before we end it, let's go ahead
1:00:59
and give people what they truly want, and that
1:01:02
is some one -liner wisdoms. Evan, what is a one
1:01:07
-liner wisdom that you want to give everybody
1:01:08
to bestow on them? You can have a chair in your
1:01:12
lounge, but you should never lounge in a chair.
1:01:15
Bad posture. Ah, right. You're thinking about
1:01:19
the spine. Yeah. It's classless as well. Absolutely
1:01:22
classless. You have standards. You have high
1:01:25
standards for classiness. I do. I do. I want
1:01:27
people to be as classy as possible. That's good.
1:01:30
So, you know, have good posture. That's great.
1:01:32
Alan, one -liner wisdom for everybody. In the
1:01:35
world that we live in, there's at a minimum of
1:01:37
two different types of calves. Only one of them
1:01:40
is acceptable to eat. Make sure you're eating
1:01:41
the right one. Wow. It's a good point and actually
1:01:44
pertinent to today's episode. So would you say
1:01:47
maybe do the bite and release method to try to
1:01:51
figure out which calf to go after? I think if
1:01:54
you're up that close to it to bite it, you should
1:01:56
know already. Okay. Very good. Very good. That's
1:02:00
great. So much wisdom comes out of us. So, you
1:02:04
know, thank you all for listening. Again, what
1:02:06
you're hearing now on this episode is not all.
1:02:10
There was more answers. a little bit more conversation,
1:02:12
go to our Patreon, Questionable Detour. Pay five
1:02:15
days, $5 a month. Like I said, less than $7 .47
1:02:18
a day. Super cheap. Also, if you want a hypothetical
1:02:21
answer or do you want some advice from the three
1:02:25
wisest people, Questionable Detour podcast at
1:02:28
gmail .com. That's all it is. All right, guys.
1:02:32
Y 'all want to be done? Y 'all. Excuse me. What
1:02:35
is going on here? But first, we're going to make
1:02:40
a little detour. So absurd, so questionable.
1:02:46
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos. Expect
1:02:50
the detour.