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Dopamine Is Loud. Oxytocin Whispers. · Understanding Yourself: A Framework For Change

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Understanding Yourself.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Ben Lemmon.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is a collection of stories, ideas,
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: and conversations designed to help us better understand ourselves
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: and maybe experience life a little differently.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Dopamine is loud, oxytocin whispers.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you had asked me 10 years ago what success looked like,
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I probably would have given you a pretty predictable answer.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: A promotion,
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: a bigger paycheck,
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: a nicer house, more accomplishments, crossing another goal off the list.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I still like goals.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I still enjoy building things.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere along the way, I started noticing something.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some accomplishments leave me excited.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Other experiences leave me full.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Those aren't the same feeling.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard incredibly smart people explain dopamine far better than I ever could.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: One of the facilitators I work with is a retired anesthesiologist.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And every time he explains what's happening in the brain,
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm reminded how much I still have to learn.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So this isn't really an essay about neuroscience.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's about experience.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how dopamine feels to me.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's stimulating.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's the feeling I get when I finish a project,
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: accomplish a difficult goal,
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: buy something I've wanted, or check another box off the list.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: It motivates me.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful for it.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Without it, I doubt I'd have written these essays.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I've also noticed something.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: The feeling doesn't last.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: The promotion becomes normal.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: The new house eventually needs a new roof.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: The excitement fades.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And before long, my mind quietly starts asking, what's next?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that's a flaw.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's just part of being human.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's oxytocin.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard people describe it as the bonding chemical.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: The science is fascinating, but what interests me even more is how it feels.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: To me, dopamine is stimulating.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin is calming.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I experience it on a much deeper level.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's the feeling I have sitting around a fire with friends.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Having coffee with someone who really knows me.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Watching the sun disappear over the ocean.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Laughing so hard my stomach hurts.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Having a conversation where nobody checks their phone because everyone is completely present.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: One of the ways I describe recovery is being at peace with yourself and the world around you.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfect, just at peace.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because someone who's genuinely at peace doesn't spend much time trying
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: to escape their own life.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've worked with people struggling with addiction for over 13 years,
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: and I've yet to hear someone tell me, Ben, it was the strangest thing.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was completely at peace with myself and the world around me.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I felt deeply connected to the people in my life.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was overwhelmed with feelings of meaning and purpose.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So naturally,
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I decided to go to the bar,
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: buy a little cocaine to keep the party going,
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: some heroin to help me sleep,
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: and wake up the next morning so I could continue living my best life.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: That never happens.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: People laugh when I say that.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not because addiction is funny, because the absurdity makes something obvious.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: When we feel connected,
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: when we have meaning,
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: when we experience peace, the desire to escape gets a whole lot quieter.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that's only true of addiction.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's true for all of us.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I've never looked back on one of the most meaningful moments of my life and thought,
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: you know what this moment needs?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: A bigger house, a perfectly manicured lawn, another accomplishment.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those thoughts aren't usually there.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I say that as someone who's recently spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: about how to get his lawn looking just right.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, I'm still a work in progress.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I've noticed something else.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: The moments I remember most aren't the moments when I was thinking.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: They're the moments when I stopped thinking.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Watching the ocean.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Laughing with friends.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Cooking dinner with people I love.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Having a conversation where time somehow disappears.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember thinking I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't thinking much at all.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was feeling what I spend so much of my life trying to think my way into.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Connection.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Peace.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Presence.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's only afterward that I realized how present I was.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's what we're really searching for.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not another accomplishment.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Not another purchase.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not even another insight.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we're searching for those rare moments when the mind finally gets quiet.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And for just a little while, nothing needs to be different.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think presence is something we think.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's something we feel.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not against ambition.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I never stop setting goals.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't want to spend my entire life asking what's next.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I want more moments where I forget to ask the question.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for spending this time with me.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: If this resonated with you,
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: you can find the written version on my Substack, Understanding Yourself.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep asking better questions and keep understanding yourself.