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The Era of "Just Fine" Is Over · The MODERN YIN Podcast

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  Hello and welcome to another episode of the Modern yen
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  podcast. I'm your host Kimberly Roberts
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  of Sofa yen, and I'm all about stillness, doing the real work.
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  So today I want to talk to you about growth and evolution and
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  specifically the just fine era. So 10 years ago I walked out of
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  a 25 year abusive marriage to an alcoholic and into the condo
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  that I am sitting in right now with nothing but survival
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  instincts and a whole lot of fear.
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  And I mean a whole lot of fear. I didn't have any clarity at
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  all. I have a business plan.
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  I certainly didn't trust myself. Like I was literally in pure
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  survival mode, like the bear in front of you all the time.
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  And for a long time, I thought survival was strong.
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  I thought it was strength. It's like, oh, I'm in survival
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  mode and I'm actually like going through it.
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  But here's the thing, survival and regulation aren't the same
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  thing. They aren't the same thing at
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  all. And survival, it's not a place
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  that you build any kind of vision from, nor is it a place
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  that you live and sustain on a daily basis.
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  So I want to talk about the hidden cost of survival.
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  This is some of the stuff that nobody talks about.
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  Like literally like when your nervous system is bracing,
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  everything narrows, your viewpoint shrinks, and you're
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  not in an energy where you're asking what's possible, although
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  you might be telling yourself that, but you're not actually
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  getting anywhere. And I know this so intimately
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  and so deeply now, especially in hindsight.
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  But what you're always asking yourself underneath is am I
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  safe? And those two questions, what's
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  possible and am I safe? Are two totally different
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  operating systems, like totally different?
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  And for years I wondered, well, why am I so freaking stuck in
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  business? Why am I so stuck in decision
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  paralysis mode? Like everything felt so hard to
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  make a decision around. My finances felt messy.
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  Clarity just wasn't landing. And I blamed strategy.
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  I blamed consistency. I blamed myself.
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  But here's the truth. Survival brain is not visionary
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  brain. And you can try and tell
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  yourself that all you want, but I'm telling you it doesn't work.
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  Like you can't expand while your body still thinks it's under
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  threat. It's like you standing in front
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  of a bear and it's growling at you and you're like, oh, but you
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  know what? You're not going to do anything.
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  I'm OK. I can actually start planning my
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  vision for my business or for my life while I'm standing there in
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  front of a bear that's literally about to make me filet mignon
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  like it's dinner. Like when you're in survival,
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  you're not in growth. You're you can't expand when
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  your body still thinks it's under threat.
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  But I thought I could. And just like many other high
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  functioning women over 40, they're still trying to build
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  from bracing underneath the surface.
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  It's like, we're fine, I'm fine. Do you know how many times
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  people asked me, how are you doing?
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  And I'd be like, I'm fine. And that was just so much BS.
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  I was not fun. I was functioning well under the
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  surface. I could keep going.
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  On the surface, I looked like I had it all together, but
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  internally I was marching through something completely
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  different, just like most women over 40 are like that's the
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  reality. We just, we just keep going but
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  and we just keep telling ourselves we're just fine.
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  But the reality is it's not sustainable.
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  And I'll tell you that over the last few months, there's been a
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  massive shift in my energy, in my business, in my life.
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  I stopped trying to fix the strategy first.
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  I stopped obsessing over scaling.
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  I stopped asking, well, how do I keep growing faster?
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  And I started asking myself, does my body feel safe right
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  now? And I prioritized nervous system
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  regulation. I also did the unsexy identity
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  work, you know, looking at the reasons why we feel shame,
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  guilt, grief, embarrassment, disappointment, fear.
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  Like I I literally rebuilt myself trust quietly.
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  No big announcements, no dramatic pivots of any kind.
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  Just constant regulation over and over again.
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  And here's what surprised me. Clarity came.
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  It was like Bing light bulb on over my head.
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  And not because I was chasing it, but because my system
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  finally had capacity to see it and to hold it.
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  So all that time, kind of living in a fog, I thought it was
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  failure. It actually wasn't.
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  It was actually nervous system regulation, a nervous system
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  that needed safety before expansion.
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  Like, just think about that for a second for your own self.
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  Your nervous system will expand into clarity, an expansion, when
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  you actually give it space to regulate.
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  I know you know what I mean. So if you're feeling stuck, more
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  importantly, if you're feeling behind, like, oh God, it's too
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  late, I'm too old, it's just not possible for me, whatever.
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  Or if you feel ashamed of the pace of your growth and
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  evolution, and I did for a long time, I felt ashamed.
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  That's like, well, why didn't I get this sooner?
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  10 years? Like, come on, couldn't it have
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  been sooner than that? How embarrassing is that?
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  No pause. Because here's the thing, If you
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  are trying to scale while your body is still bracing, you're
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  not getting anywhere. If you're trying to build vision
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  while you're still in survival mode, guess what?
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  You're not getting anywhere. You're not getting anywhere with
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  that because safety has to come first.
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  You can tell your mind over and over again that you're safe, but
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  if your nervous system is not on board with that vibe, there is
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  no clarity, no momentum, nothing.
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  You have to have the safety first, The clarity comes second.
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  That order and then the momentum is third.
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  Because you can't build momentum when you're in survival mode.
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  And that order literally matters.
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  OK, safety first, clarity second, momentum 3rd.
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  And after 40, it matters even more because this is the era
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  where just fine stops being enough.
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  We're coping stops being impressive.
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  Oh, look at this. Look at how much stuff I can do
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  all at once. I am like the queen of
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  multitasking. No, we want an era where
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  leadership happens because of regulation.
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  Regulation, it happens because of leadership, self leadership.
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  Nobody else is going to do that work for you.
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  Nobody's going to release the grief, the embarrassment, the
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  shame, the guilt. Nobody's going to do that but
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  you when you're ready to do it. And I will tell you that 10
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  years now, later, yes. Am I embarrassed to say that?
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  Absolutely not. I'm actually proud of the woman
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  that I've become and the woman that I'm still becoming.
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  And here's the thing. There's this little part of your
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  mind that always thinks that when you're growing and
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  evolving, you've somehow just nailed it.
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  And then you don't have to keep regulating your nervous system.
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  I'm going to tell you something. Spoiler alert here, the more
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  you're growing and evolving, the more nervous system regulation
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  you're going to need because your mind, that primal part of
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  your brain is going to be sitting back there going what?
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  No, no, no, we're not doing that.
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  We're not making that move. Are you kidding me?
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  That's too bold. What are people going to think?
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  Like, can't we just go back to just fine because we were safe
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  there and we were OK there and it was all predictable?
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  But the reality is that's not how we're meant to live.
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  And for a woman over 40, you shouldn't be sacrificing and
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  living in an energy of just fine.
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  Like, I really, truly understand this journey that I've been on.
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  It wasn't really slow. It wasn't recalibrating, or it
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  was recalibrating. Pardon me.
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  It wasn't failure, even though for a long time I had to wrap my
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  brain around the idea that it wasn't failure, it was just
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  survival becoming regulation. That's what it was.
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  And all of a sudden, when I realized that the guilt, the
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  shame, the embarrassment, it all dissolved.
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  And what was left was a woman who is bold, aligned and
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  regulated. A woman who is ready to choose
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  to lead her life and other women's lives differently.
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  This era of being just fine. It's so over, and not because we
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  collapse and go, I can't handle it anymore, but because we're
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  actually choosing to lead differently.
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  Choosing to lead bold, aligned and regulated.
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  This is what I desire for you as a woman.
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  And the Soulfully and Yoga app is your gateway to there.
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  It's where stillness does the real work.
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  It's modern yen for life over the age of 40.
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  The only question I leave you with is, are you in?
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  Because I am, and I ain't going anywhere.
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  Thank you so much for listening to this podcast episode.
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  I'll see you in the next one. Have a great rest of your day.