Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #112— The battle within.
Transcript
- speaker-0: child it's so I've I have had so many epiphanies this evening that I don't even know where to begin but I feel like this is the one that's wanting to be to be spoken about and it's that I had this moment, this realization earlier. of just you know, I'm constantly, you know, battling myself, right? This internal struggle. And then of course it comes out within my external world, right? Mm, you know, it comes it shows up in the form of my addictions, right? And I've got money, you know. I've I've I do, I just do. I I listen, my alter ego is Lady Ganja. Okay, so like we make out every night and I like it and it's fun. But I also know that that like leads me to eating like shit, like and not you know making the best decisions for my body, right? And my addictions also look like, you know, maybe Doom scrolling on social media, although I am I am gonna pat myself on the dang back because I've not I've not been on social media for like months now and fuck you know what it feels good my brain feels better I'm telling you sometimes I'll hear people like be on their phone you know they won't have ear you know you know earbuds in or anything so I can hear it. And which is kind of like annoying, but whatever. Whatever, whatever. And I'm like, ⁓ my god, that's so much noise. And they're just scrolling, right? Going from one video to the next to the next. And it hurts my brain. It actually hurts my brain. And so it's it it's kind of amazing what not being on social media for a couple months does to your brain. Like it quiet everything in you. It it's kind of incredible. Anywho. speaker-1: you speaker-0: I don't even know the whole fucking point. the takeaway was this is that Like ⁓ addictions. Right. See, this is what I'm saying. addictions. also food, right? In the form of eating s things that are not good for me. Too much sugar or caffeine. I totally have a love affair with food, right? I have a un ⁓ my god. And I cannot I just that is like such a vice. It's like more than a vice. You know, ⁓ I 'cause I listen. Can't help but I like sex. I really like sex. I just do, I do. And so now I've been a very good girl. I've been focused on me for like legit almost two years now. I've been like two years in June. Okay, and I've not I've not been with a man, okay? So God bless, God bless the next man I'm with. I'm just saying. Just saying. Okay, whatever. speaker-1: you speaker-0: I say whatever a lot. But going back tip, I struggle with it, right? So that's this constant battle. And so I feel like I have shame for certain things. Like, I like to smoke weed. What the fuck? Why can't I like to smoke weed? See, I like to smoke it so much, I gave myself cotton mouth and I could hear it. So I wonder what that sounds like on the audio. I don't know. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Mm. Okay, I had to take a sip. My water. Actually, I'm lying, it's not water. It's beet juice and orange juice. Like just a little bit of orange juice. Shut the fuck up. What am I talking about? Addictions. So I I fight with myself, right? I fight with myself. But it's I'm fighting with myself because there's shame behind it. Because I feel like it's bad, right? Or I've been told that it's bad. And you know, why is smoking weed bad? Because I made it bad or is it really bad? I suppose the question with that is, is there more consumption than output, right? So if I'm neglect neglecting to do certain things, right, and it's like taking my motivation, then it's an issue. Right, then maybe need to like put it down for a little bit or like not smoke every night. However whatever that looks like, right? You know, and then And then with sex and with men. Like why can't I have sex? Like why do I feel like I have to repress myself or feel shame for wanting to be with a man? For wanting to have sex. For wanting to have a relationship with a man only for sex and not because maybe you don't want to have an emotional relationship, but maybe you just wanna fuck. Maybe it feels good to be in the arms of a man. Right, and to feel like the purest essence of what it feels like to be a woman, right? And why is that so bad? So I battle with these things, you know? And so I guess what I really need to ask myself is if I close my eyes and I like look to my future me who ⁓ who who is she? Like what do I envision? Who does she What does she look like? Who does she ⁓ how does she feel, right? And and that future self, what would she say, you know, to the woman that I am now, right? And I feel like you know, that f future version of me would just be a balance of all of it. Would just be this woman that accepts who she is at every single moment of her evolution, knowing that she is always, always going to continuously evolve as a as a human. Right, because this is really what it is about. It's about experiencing our humanness and and all its rawness and beauty and and vulnerability, vulnerable, vulnerable state, right? And like witness it with our soul, you know, and honor it. from the soul level, have this have this reverence. It's just this pu it's just sacred, precious. You know, so that's that woman, right? That that's my future me. She is just balanced and and she's just loving who she is. You know, and yeah, fuck it. She likes to smoke weed. So sometimes she smokes weed. And yeah, she really likes sex. And so, you know, she has healthy boundaries with herself and her partners and is open to experience love in all of its forms, right? Whether it be their forever you know, her forever person or not. It's just is there reciprocity in the energetic exchange in this moment with this person. And she does, you know, let this future be she doesn't, you know, put people in a box and expect the have these like unspoken, you know, ⁓ expectations of on people and then when they don't meet what it is she thinks their potential is, then she gets mad because they don't do what she wants her to do. You know, I don't know. She's just this beautiful, balanced woman who feels really comfortable and good in her body, you know, and has this good relationship with her body and loves her body and just everything. So that's what I envision my future me looking like. And so that if I could ask her, okay, well what could you what could you tell me right now in this moment? What can you tell me? Like what would your advice be so I could get to where you are? 'Cause this is like it's just splendor, right? And I'm in awe of you. And yes, that's everything I would like to be. I would everything I you know, I aspire to s this speaker-1: you This is ssss speaker-0: centredness, this balance and love, this unconditional love for herself. What would she say to me? And I hear her say just love yourself. Just love yourself. Love yourself in every state and all the messiness and all the rawness, but also of all the divinity, the splendor, the beauty of of you. And you're like this this this you know piece of art every human is, right? We're like it it's art in t art in time. Because it's always flowing its energy, right? And what is it that we do with our energy? Wha what do we create, you know? And what do we consume, right? 'Cause that's all part of the creation. Ugh, I don't know, I'm rambling. But I do think she'd say, Love yourself, silly girl. Right? And like I think it all can exist. I'm like coming to this really this solid realization of like all of these emotions can exist at once. Right? Like this kind of clinging to the past of of some older habits, right? That maybe don't resonate with my energy, but I'm hanging on to I'm holding on to while simultaneously making incredible steps towards my future self, right? But it can just all exist. It just is. And it can, you know, it just everything exists all at once. And like time is doesn't even exist, right? And time exists all at once, you know, and it's not 'cause it's not linear. It's all at one time and so perhaps just this me with all my addictions and all my fucking insecurities and everythingness and then all my things that I'm doing that I'm so learning to love myself and evolve my consciousness and just be a better human is happening and expanding. And so it's just this icky not icky, no it's just like an ooey gooey like messy thing. thing but it's so fucking cool. It's so fucking cool, man. It really is. Cause it's just it's just a new perception. A spirit is always always showing me and showing me and giving me new ways to look at things. A a new perception on something and it like always fucking blows my mind. I'm like, ⁓ my God. How did I not see that? And wow, never even thought about it like that. And yet it's so simple. How did I not? And yeah, that makes so much sense. ⁓ gosh, yeah, wow. You know. And I love that. And I love learning about the universe. And I love being humbled because it's really like a humbling moment when your belief system can kind of, you know, like be shattered or or challenged. You're like, ⁓ okay, okay. And then you kinda just like dig a little deeper into your s to the self, to the psyche. Which listen I'm a fucking geek for that shit. I don't know, whatever. Call me weird, maybe. It's my Tism. I shouldn't maybe like make I shouldn't make jokes about that, right? But I am Listen, I'm pretty sure I'm on the Spack Jam. Fucking have I have I been Officially diagnosed. No, I've been unofficially officially diagnosed. And my therapist and I've had constant conversations about this. Pretty fucking sure. It just looks different, right? Everybody's it's a spectrum for a reason. My kids on the spectrum. Anywho, alright. I think I'm done. speaker-1: I hate that.