Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / How to know what you truly want (and what’s blocking you)

Transcript

How to know what you truly want (and what’s blocking you) · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

• 0:07
  If you're not sure what you want or you think you know what you want and you just can't get yourself to move forward, this is for you.
• 0:18
  Today I had this experience and maybe you've had this experience as well.
• 0:22
  You've seen something and you think, I really want that.
• 0:25
  And then you feel this feeling in your body and something just doesn't feel so aligned.
• 0:32
  And it surprised me today because I had a thought as I was driving.
• 0:36
  I thought, I really would love an Aston Martin.
• 0:40
  It's just an amazing car.
• 0:41
  And I just thought, you know what I'd love that.
• 0:43
  It'd be amazing.
• 0:46
  And then I thought about.
• 0:47
  Research shows us that we get more happiness from what we experience and than from what we simply own.
• 0:57
  And it really made sense to me.
• 0:59
  So I'm going to share with you five things that will help you find out.
• 1:03
  What is it that you really, truly want and why you might be blocked towards getting what it is that you truly want and how to decipher what is it.
• 1:13
  Is it because you really want it or is it because you think you want it?
• 1:18
  My name is Dr.
• 1:19
  Ermen Kaur and I've spent over 20 years helping people move their working lives forward, where they actually really understand their own value.
• 1:27
  And the thing I've seen again and again, a lot of the time the reason why we feel stuck is because we're actually in between two versions of ourself and we haven't got clear or accepted or got honest with
• 1:44
  ourself about what it is we truly want right now.
• 1:49
  Sometimes we've moved on from what it is that we think we want, but we haven't quite caught onto it yet.
• 1:58
  So the things that we're going to cover today.
• 2:01
  One, the question isn't what is it you want to look like, it's more about how do you want to feel?
• 2:09
  Two, what you wanted might not fit you anymore.
• 2:14
  It's like old clothes.
• 2:16
  It might be that they fit you in terms of the size, but they just don't feel like you anymore.
• 2:23
  3.
• 2:24
  Where we need to be seen.
• 2:27
  Where does that come from?
• 2:30
  Four, the three things that block you and why.
• 2:33
  Love is the repair.
• 2:36
  So stay till the end, because lesson five is the most important thing that I want to give you as a gift today.
• 2:46
  And it changes how everything else works, because love is truly the most important thing.
• 2:53
  So let's go down to lesson one.
• 2:55
  We've been looking today.
• 2:57
  I've been really thinking about what is it that I truly want?
• 3:02
  And like I said, I was driving down the Road.
• 3:04
  And I thought, you know what?
• 3:05
  I really love an Aston Martin.
• 3:09
  And then the feeling in my body was like, what would it feel like?
• 3:15
  Then I felt in my body, what would it feel like if I was driving it right now?
• 3:21
  And there was a part of me that would be really excited, like a childlike excitement.
• 3:26
  It's like James Bond's car.
• 3:29
  And then there was another part of me that would feel guilt.
• 3:33
  This is a complete waste of money.
• 3:35
  Why would I need an Aston Martin when I'm not really even into cars?
• 3:39
  I'm sorry.
• 3:40
  I'm not really into cars.
• 3:43
  Whereas if I'm truly honest, the car that I really have always wanted is a little Mini.
• 3:51
  Have you seen one of those little Minis?
• 3:54
  I genuinely, genuinely.
• 3:56
  That is one of my most favorite cars.
• 3:58
  I just feel like it's me.
• 4:01
  It's me, my personality.
• 4:03
  So why would I want something that's not me, then?
• 4:06
  I don't really want it, truly.
• 4:11
  I think I want it because maybe I want to show other people that I have an Aston Martin.
• 4:16
  It's a brand I've bought into, like, because I've watched programs or I like the logo, but I've never sat inside the Aston Martin that I'm thinking of driving and thought, wow, I really like the drive.
• 4:31
  I really like the interior.
• 4:32
  I really like the experience of this car.
• 4:36
  Now, don't get me wrong.
• 4:37
  I would love to sit in one.
• 4:39
  I would love to drive one.
• 4:42
  But the question is, do I really need to own it?
• 4:46
  Like, do I really want to own it?
• 4:50
  And I am not saying owning things is bad.
• 4:53
  I'm not saying that at all.
• 4:56
  Because the truth is, some people get a real joy from seeing an object every single day.
• 5:04
  It could be that the person driving the Aston Martin that I'm looking at and thinking, wow, that's beautiful, actually drives that car every single day.
• 5:13
  And they just enjoy it so much.
• 5:15
  They enjoy the drive.
• 5:17
  They enjoy the feel.
• 5:19
  They love it.
• 5:20
  Or say, if there's certain clothes that people really love, they're getting that experience from that clothing that they're wearing every day or every single time they drive into, like, the driveway of their home.
• 5:34
  They might look at their home and just really feel amazing because they just feel so good about where they live, where they call their home.
• 5:45
  So the question isn't about, how do I look.
• 5:49
  The question is always, how do you feel when you imagine having what it is that you want?
• 5:57
  What are you experiencing from having what it is that you want?
• 6:03
  Researchers Van Bovin and Golovich asked people to think back on things they'd bought.
• 6:13
  Some were objects and some were experiences.
• 6:17
  The people were happier with the experiences.
• 6:21
  And later researchers Giovari and Howell noticed a third group.
• 6:28
  Things you buy so you can experience something like a guitar, hiking boots, a car you love driving, those made people just as happy as experiences.
• 6:41
  So if you're buying for an experience, you will feel that happiness every time you experience it.
• 6:52
  They found it's because those things let you express who you are, get better at something so you feel more like yourself and connect with other people because of it.
• 7:07
  So it's not the object that matters, it's what you experience through it.
• 7:13
  My Mini, my Mini Cooper is that the Aston Martin for me would be more about being seen if I owned it, but I'd still want to just drive one for the fun of it.
• 7:28
  Just to experience it once.
• 7:30
  At least that's something my soul or my spirit would love to do.
• 7:35
  That I would love.
• 7:36
  But to own it.
• 7:38
  I don't think I am the person that's so passionate about cars that would really need to own something like that or would get that repeat feeling again and again.
• 7:50
  Sometimes we can see someone else enjoying something and think, or maybe I want that too, because that's how you get joy.
• 7:58
  And I remember thinking that so much when I was younger and also when I was going through a really difficult time and I'd forgotten how to have fun because I'd been in a difficult scenario.
• 8:11
  I was living in a struggle, I was living in a toxic environment.
• 8:14
  So you get to a point where you forget what it's like to actually enjoy yourself, what joy is.
• 8:21
  And then you actually do it because you think, okay, that person's going to that restaurant and they're really enjoying it.
• 8:27
  So I'm going to do it too, and see how that experience is.
• 8:32
  And actually it doesn't do anything.
• 8:33
  It doesn't spark me, it doesn't make me feel alive.
• 8:37
  It might be that you want to experience something once or twice and then you're done.
• 8:45
  So, for instance, someone that likes to party or club, maybe you used to be clubbing in your 20s, and now you might not want a club like that anymore.
• 8:56
  In your 50s, it's like you've transitioned or you've experienced it at the time where you had the energy, if you like, and now your energy is spent elsewhere.
• 9:08
  You prioritize what it is that you want to do.
• 9:11
  You want different things at different seasons, you've changed and it doesn't appeal to you in the same way.
• 9:20
  Or you might carry on till you're 60 or 70, there might be someone that's listening to this who's still partying and dancing and going out clubbing.
• 9:29
  And that is amazing because that's what brings you joy and that's you and that's incredible.
• 9:36
  Say if you've got this massive house, you've got a mansion and now your experience has changed.
• 9:42
  It's just annoying.
• 9:43
  There's too many rooms to clean, It's a burden.
• 9:45
  And you don't want that much space anymore because you haven't got this big hustling, bustling family.
• 9:53
  So maybe for you it's time to downsize because that's the right fit for you.
• 9:59
  Now, if it's not really to do with how much money you have or the status you have, it's really about finding what do I want right now in my life that fits me.
• 10:15
  My idea of what I wanted before might have been different to what it is right now.
• 10:21
  If what you have doesn't give you the experience you want anymore, maybe it's time to shift and do something that really, truly is starting to bring you joy.
• 10:33
  When something new comes into our life, it lifts us.
• 10:37
  Then slowly we get used to it.
• 10:40
  The new house, the new car, the promotion and everything becomes normal.
• 10:45
  Psychologists call this hedonic adaption.
• 10:49
  In a well known study, Brain Brickman and colleagues found lottery winners weren't significantly happier than other people a little while after their win.
• 11:02
  Which to us who haven't won the lottery probably sounds crazy.
• 11:08
  And later research by Denner and colleagues showed us that we don't adapt completely and people differ in how much they can adapt, how much they do adapt.
• 11:21
  So we tend to get used to things.
• 11:23
  That's understandable.
• 11:25
  Then the thing doesn't change, but you do.
• 11:31
  That's not a failure.
• 11:32
  It's information about what it is that you want.
• 11:36
  Now, wanting things is so important.
• 11:41
  Experiencing things is so important.
• 11:44
  But.
• 11:44
  But if guilt and shame were put on us for wanting what it was, truly what we truly want to experience, then what happens is we don't feel okay to have what it is we want.
• 12:01
  Maybe you love jewels or expensive cars or beautiful clothes and someone came along and shamed you for enjoying that.
• 12:10
  A lot of the time when we've grown up, we have been made to feel guilty and shame about wanting.
• 12:17
  It's true.
• 12:17
  When we were growing up, that's what it was.
• 12:20
  We were told that we're selfish.
• 12:22
  Where.
• 12:23
  Who do you think you are for wanting this?
• 12:25
  Money doesn't grow on trees.
• 12:27
  There's so many different sayings around this.
• 12:30
  So when we've grown up and we're adults, it's hard to know am I wanting something because I truly want it, or am I wanting it because I'm trying to prove my worth to the world and I want to
• 12:45
  be seen as successful?
• 12:48
  And then we have the other option of I want something and then I feel guilt and shame around wanting it.
• 12:54
  So now I don't know is it really that I don't want it or do I really want it?
• 13:00
  But I'm being.
• 13:01
  My guilt and shame is popping up, so it's confusing me.
• 13:06
  Say you would love to live in a beautiful home by the beach, say in the Hamptons.
• 13:12
  Maybe that is genuinely what your soul wants to experience.
• 13:17
  Then something pops up.
• 13:19
  Well, that's just greedy.
• 13:20
  That's not acceptable.
• 13:22
  That's just not right.
• 13:25
  That is conditioned into you.
• 13:29
  That pure want, that want to have that home is your soul is pure.
• 13:35
  It genuinely wants that, that experience.
• 13:39
  But if you look at someone in the Hamptons and think, I want that because it means I'm successful, then you're, you are not being driven to get there.
• 13:50
  It's not really coming from you and you don't have the energy to take you there.
• 13:55
  You don't have that fire in your belly that when you get there, you just love it.
• 14:00
  Every day you open the curtains and you just think, this is a dream come true.
• 14:05
  I can't ever get bored of this.
• 14:07
  It just lights me up every day.
• 14:10
  Researchers Casa Ryan, Jacks and Samaroff asked a group of 18 year olds what mattered most to them.
• 14:20
  Some put money and status right at the top, others put relationships, community and accepting themselves.
• 14:28
  And it was really interesting because the ones that put money and status first were more likely to have grown up with less warmth and support at home.
• 14:39
  Meaning maybe you were left alone with your feelings, you had to fend for yourself.
• 14:46
  You didn't get that connection.
• 14:49
  And a later study in China found the same kind of link.
• 14:52
  The link shows and it's not proof of cause, but it points to something important.
• 14:59
  Wanting to be successful often grows where love is missing.
• 15:05
  It's not greed, it's a substitute for being seen.
• 15:11
  You can be hugely successful and still put relationships, community and accepting ourselves and others as a priority.
• 15:21
  And this is where people talk about creating something for service, having your why.
• 15:27
  Like Simon Sinek, whose book is all on why are you doing what you're doing?
• 15:33
  And if you can really hone in your why, you can then create huge amount of success.
• 15:39
  So it's not Focusing on the money is focusing on that connection, the community, and making a difference and creating a service that as a default, you actually create money for.
• 15:51
  So there's something in you, without a doubt, that is absolutely incredible.
• 15:59
  I don't care what situation you're going through, say if you're a people pleaser, you're always putting other people first.
• 16:06
  You don't take care of yourself, but you always put everybody else's cares beyond yours.
• 16:13
  Just think for a moment.
• 16:15
  I'm not saying what you're doing is the best thing for you, but what I am saying is that you are an incredible human being because you have the ability to still keep going even without being seen.
• 16:31
  That's how incredible you are.
• 16:32
  You have this incredible power that is within you.
• 16:37
  Something about you, though, has come into this world and it wants to be experiencing something and it wants to express something through you.
• 16:49
  Maybe it's art, maybe it's helping people, maybe it's creating a product.
• 16:53
  Maybe you're really good at something, but somewhere along the line you were told it's not good to be yourself.
• 17:01
  You won't make any money from art or making music is no good.
• 17:06
  And this is insensible.
• 17:08
  Say you were born to sing.
• 17:10
  That is your thing.
• 17:12
  You were born to sing.
• 17:14
  It might not be that you make your money from singing, it might be a passion, but by doing it, you will bring your voice alive.
• 17:24
  You will feel alive in yourself.
• 17:27
  Then when, say if you go into and you're an accountant and you go into work, you will find you start speaking with authority.
• 17:36
  You hold yourself differently.
• 17:37
  You feel strong in your body because you love yourself enough to express your passion.
• 17:44
  You feel more confident and competent and more alive in every area of your life.
• 17:52
  When we hold ourselves back from expressing that aliveness, we can't express it in our work, in our relationships with our children, in any type of situation.
• 18:05
  We feel like we're always struggling.
• 18:08
  Things are tough.
• 18:09
  Life is tough because in essence you can imagine yourself.
• 18:14
  It's like you're struggling.
• 18:16
  You're pushing this life force energy down, saying, no, I'm not going to sing, even though I have this huge amount of passion.
• 18:22
  I would love to do it because I'm not good enough.
• 18:26
  I won't be able to sell records or I don't.
• 18:30
  I was told I'm not going to make any money of it.
• 18:32
  So why?
• 18:33
  It's a waste of time, It's a waste of money.
• 18:36
  There are three things that normally block us in life.
• 18:41
  It's our emotions.
• 18:43
  We feel it in our Nervousness or fear or sadness.
• 18:47
  I don't have the energy anymore to move forward in our thoughts, our beliefs, what we've been conditioned to do, the stories we tell ourselves.
• 18:56
  That person didn't smile at me today.
• 18:58
  They don't like me.
• 19:00
  I'm a bad person.
• 19:01
  And we tell ourselves stories over and over again of what someone did, what they did to us, how it hurt us, and we keep repeating it over and over again.
• 19:10
  And then our body, our nervous system, and part of it is our brain.
• 19:15
  Okay, it's our brain.
• 19:17
  We've been trained to feel certain things.
• 19:19
  And so these three things are our emotions, our thoughts, and our body.
• 19:24
  That's how we express things.
• 19:26
  And this is one of these three things can block us, or all of these three things can block us because there's a story that we tell ourselves that creates this feeling and triggers our nervous system.
• 19:38
  They're all interconnected.
• 19:40
  Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett describes the brain as a prediction machine.
• 19:45
  It isn't simply reacting to what's happening right now.
• 19:49
  This moment is predicting what's about to happen based on what you have experienced before in your life.
• 19:59
  So anything programmed into you from the past is showing up in your thoughts, in your emotions, and in your body right now.
• 20:09
  That's why you can know what you want and then still feel blocked about moving forward based on the programming that was programmed into you by someone else, maybe your caregivers or something happened that's been programmed into your emotions,
• 20:27
  your thoughts, or your body.
• 20:29
  Those three areas, the good news is predictions can be updated based on experiences.
• 20:37
  When these three areas are coming into alignment, where you can get your feelings, your thoughts, and your body to move you forward to what it is that you want and allow that life force energy to flow through you
• 20:53
  and express your brilliance.
• 20:55
  The way you do it is you let go of some of the old programming.
• 20:59
  It's like you've got all these barriers of the old programming.
• 21:02
  You'll start to naturally move forward and you start to feel more like yourself again.
• 21:08
  It's like it's not about becoming someone new.
• 21:12
  It's really about being you.
• 21:15
  A lot of us feel responsible for how other people are feeling, especially if you're an empath.
• 21:21
  We feel guilty because someone else might feel bad if we achieve our goals.
• 21:28
  Have you really thought that through there's a goal that you really want to achieve?
• 21:32
  Maybe you want that Aston Martin or maybe some other car that you really deeply want, but you don't want to achieve that goal because you don't want Someone else to feel bad about it.
• 21:46
  Where did that come from?
• 21:49
  Why are we feeling responsible for someone else?
• 21:53
  Because they don't have.
• 21:56
  So let's really look at this, because what is responsibility?
• 22:01
  It's the ability to respond.
• 22:04
  So how can you control how someone else can respond?
• 22:10
  Their ability to respond as a parent, that's what we're trying to do with our children.
• 22:17
  We're trying to help them develop their own ability to respond to life.
• 22:23
  As a caregiver, I want to give you everything I know I about how to respond to life.
• 22:30
  But knowing that, hey, I don't know everything about how to respond to life myself, I'm learning, I'm trying to get better at how to respond to life.
• 22:41
  And when someone is telling us that we can't do something, then this is what I want you to do.
• 22:49
  To respond to life by thinking.
• 22:53
  I can think about this in my own mind, and I want to be able to have a better relationship with myself, regardless of what somebody tells me I can and can't do.
• 23:03
  That's the biggest thing a parent can give, is to help a child respond to all three of these areas.
• 23:12
  And there's one thing that is the most important thing that parent can do is to tell them how to respond with love.
• 23:22
  Love helps us regulate our nervous system.
• 23:25
  It helps our brain function better because of the oxytocin.
• 23:29
  And when we can love and accept ourselves, it means that we can do more, take more actions, and we can feel that love as a foundation for ourself.
• 23:43
  Even when we make mistakes, we're not going to be fearful of moving forward.
• 23:49
  In a study by Henriks and colleagues, people went through a stressful public speaking test.
• 23:56
  Those who had their best friend with them beforehand had a lower stress response.
• 24:02
  Those who had basically oxytocin, they had a connection hormone.
• 24:07
  They had the lowest stress response of all, and they felt calmer.
• 24:12
  When someone supports us, our stress response drops.
• 24:17
  We feel like someone's got our corner.
• 24:19
  That's just knowing that is so incredible.
• 24:23
  Oxytocin seems to be the part of that.
• 24:27
  Why?
• 24:27
  Why we want to do something if we can get more of it.
• 24:31
  Every time we do something, we're just strengthening our own system over and over again so that we become better and better and better in our life in terms of how we respond to life, no matter what's happening.
• 24:44
  So many of us didn't really get the love we needed from our parents or caregivers.
• 24:51
  So our most important goal really now is to learn how to give it to ourself.
• 24:58
  To learn to cultivate that within ourself, to be kind to ourselves, to create that connection with ourselves that says, no matter what I do, I will love and accept myself and I will get to where I want to,
• 25:14
  and I will love myself enough to go for the goals that I truly want.
• 25:22
  And the other thing is just sometimes being seen is enough as well, because we're being recognized, we're being seen, we're being heard.
• 25:33
  And this is a thing, right?
• 25:35
  It doesn't matter what you do.
• 25:36
  Maybe you're a hairdresser, but the way you cut someone's hair makes them see the beauty in themselves.
• 25:45
  That is you doing what you do in service.
• 25:49
  And then you will just get more and more oxytocin, more and more oxytocin.
• 25:53
  And you'll just get better and better and better.
• 25:56
  Maybe you're a parent who looks at your child and says, hey, I've got your back.
• 26:01
  I see you.
• 26:01
  I believe in you.
• 26:02
  I know you can do it.
• 26:05
  See, this is why falling in love is such a beautiful experience.
• 26:10
  We've all been there where you feel like even if you've got this idea, this fantasy of falling in love with someone, because what it is is someone sees us in a different light, and that lets us see ourself
• 26:25
  differently.
• 26:27
  But equally, when we get devalued, we can start to see ourselves differently too.
• 26:34
  So the most important thing we can do is to make sure the people around us see that spark within us and bring us to see more and more of us, the truth of us.
• 26:48
  And we start to actually experience our own value and start to receive that value from others because of it.
• 26:59
  Then we make decisions based on what we truly want, not because we want to be seen.
• 27:06
  That driver changes.
• 27:09
  So the question isn't, how do I look?
• 27:13
  If I have this, how will I look?
• 27:15
  It's how will you feel?
• 27:17
  Always, how will you feel?
• 27:20
  What do you truly really want?
• 27:24
  And if you could design a life where you could create whatever you want for yourself, what would that be like?
• 27:32
  Ask yourself that you'll find there's a part of you that feels grounded by what you truly want.
• 27:41
  And there's another part of you that says, you know what?
• 27:44
  I don't really want that thing anymore.
• 27:47
  And they're both telling you something.
• 27:50
  And there might be a part of you that feels guilt and shame that's also telling you something, that, hey, I've got some limitations towards achieving what it is I want.
• 28:02
  It doesn't mean that I don't deserve what it is I want.
• 28:06
  And if you want to move forward but you don't know what's keeping you stuck, I do have a free assessment.
• 28:12
  It only takes three minutes and it shows you where your core block sits.
• 28:18
  You can go to linktree Dremonkaur and just tap on.
• 28:24
  Take your free assessment.
• 28:26
  I'll make sure the link is in the show notes so it's linktree is L I n k T r dot EE D r A M E N K A U r if there's anyone who really needs to hear
• 28:43
  this podcast today, please send it to them.
• 28:46
  And if you found this useful, please rate the podcast because it will help others find this message too.
• 28:53
  I'm sending you so much love.
• 28:55
  Till next time.