Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Creating Safe Spaces, Self-Care & Women’s Empowerment | Healing, Community & Alignment with Fanny Tristan

Transcript

Creating Safe Spaces, Self-Care & Women’s Empowerment | Healing, Community & Alignment with Fanny Tristan · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:00
  And that they had, you know, grown to not trust, you know,
• 0:05
  they don't even know where to start with dating because
• 0:07
  they're like, I've been burned or I'm just I just came out of
• 0:10
  another situation ship or now I'm having another breakup or
• 0:13
  I've just been single for so long and I don't want to settle.
• 0:17
  And I just had this discomfort around feeling like I'm not
• 0:21
  doing it right or there's something wrong with me for
• 0:23
  being a single woman of a certain age.
• 0:26
  And, you know, I really identified with them because I
• 0:30
  also went through a single head journey where I felt like, you
• 0:34
  know, there was something wrong with the fact that I wasn't
• 0:37
  doing what my peers were doing or what, you know, or being on
• 0:40
  this relationship escalator, you know, as we often see people in.
• 0:44
  Yeah. And I knew that when I was in my
• 0:47
  single head journey that there were certain things that I did
• 0:51
  that really became the foundation for one, the, the
• 0:57
  person I am now in, in now 15 year relationship and, and, and
• 1:01
  continuing to work on that. But also things that really
• 1:07
  helped me get to know myself so that I, I knew what I was
• 1:10
  looking for by the time, you know, I did meet someone that I
• 1:14
  wanted to spend my life with. And so I wanted to really help
• 1:18
  facilitate that for these women. And I felt restricted by the
• 1:22
  medical model of it all. I felt like, why do I need to
• 1:26
  diagnose you? Just to help you find ways to
• 1:30
  explore life and more expansively, right?
• 1:33
  Like, that's not being single isn't a diagnosable thing.
• 1:37
  And to try to pathologize you for being single over 30
• 1:42
  essentially is, you know, I'd be part of the problem, right?
• 1:45
  I'd be part of a long legacy of healthcare providers who
• 1:50
  pathologized. I'm in for not following the
• 1:52
  status quo. Hello and welcome to The Field
• 1:54
  Podcast today. My name is Melissa Crook and I'm
• 1:57
  your host here. I've got a new friend here with
• 2:00
  me and we actually been trying to do this for a while.
• 2:02
  Fanny and I have been going back and forth for a while.
• 2:04
  I got a chance to have a Google Meet with her several months ago
• 2:08
  and just between both of our schedules, we both have a lot
• 2:10
  going on. But we're finally here together
• 2:12
  today and she stuck out to me from the day she introduced
• 2:17
  herself to me via our good friends at Podmatch.
• 2:20
  Because the way she is supporting women in, in the, and
• 2:24
  how she shows up in it, I think it's a, it's a badly needed
• 2:27
  space. It's a space that's not
• 2:29
  represented and talked about enough.
• 2:31
  And I was like, Oh yeah, we got to have you on here.
• 2:33
  We got to let women know what's possible even if they don't live
• 2:37
  close to your, your area. Although with all the things you
• 2:40
  have going on online, I think you could probably connect with
• 2:43
  people from a lot of different spaces.
• 2:44
  But letting other women know what's possible and what to
• 2:47
  think about and how to see themselves as we go through
• 2:51
  different seasons. And like whether it's a job
• 2:53
  change, a location change or a relationship change or how we
• 2:57
  can still be in touch with who we are and thrive.
• 3:00
  And I'll get more into that. I want to give it all the way
• 3:03
  upfront that Fanny Tristan describes herself as empathic,
• 3:08
  nurturing, dedicated and sensitive.
• 3:11
  Welcome to the Field podcast, Fanny.
• 3:14
  Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad to have you.
• 3:17
  I'm so excited. We're finally getting to get
• 3:19
  together and have this conversation.
• 3:20
  We're going to start at the beginning and kind of weave our
• 3:24
  way through your story and how you got to where you are today
• 3:27
  through the talking points and the first one.
• 3:29
  And this goes really, really ties into to how you show up in
• 3:33
  the world and what you do and how you support others.
• 3:35
  But it has to start with you prioritizing yourself care,
• 3:39
  making sure you're filling your cup and your resources because
• 3:42
  you're giving out a lot to others in your work on all
• 3:46
  fronts. So talk to me about yourself
• 3:49
  care journey, how you when and how you realized it was
• 3:54
  important for you and to be your most authentic, healthy present
• 3:59
  self. Yeah, I mean, I think that I
• 4:02
  something I've realized since, you know, just being in the
• 4:07
  workforce and, you know, becoming a mom and, you know,
• 4:11
  being a founder and, you know, I think that I realized that
• 4:17
  people will, you know, there's always a another cup to pour
• 4:22
  into, right? Like there's always a reason why
• 4:24
  people may need you, you know, And so it really is up to you to
• 4:29
  be your biggest advocate because, you know, we can't, we
• 4:33
  can't blame people for advocating for what they need,
• 4:35
  right? And if you're right, if you're
• 4:38
  who they need a lot, then only you can advocate for what you
• 4:43
  need. And so I think I've learned to
• 4:49
  be very honest with myself about my capacity, right?
• 4:52
  Like, how long can I go without hanging out with my girlfriends?
• 4:58
  What time is actually a healthy time for me to go to bed?
• 5:02
  And how do I hold myself accountable to going to bed on
• 5:05
  time, even if I want to stay up late to finish a project?
• 5:11
  How, you know, how do I want to show up as as a parent, as a
• 5:16
  wife, right? Like what are the things that
• 5:18
  need to be in place for me to feel at ease when I'm spending
• 5:21
  time with my family and I'm just stressed out because there's all
• 5:25
  these things that I have to do and I got to chauffeur people
• 5:28
  and I got to make all these things happen.
• 5:29
  But if there's a certain type of person that I like to show up as
• 5:33
  to the people that I care about, what do I need to do to to be
• 5:38
  able to show up as that person? And that is someone that has
• 5:41
  good sleep. That is someone that that
• 5:43
  doesn't pencil things into their schedule because they need to
• 5:46
  just get things done. They just say no to things or
• 5:49
  reschedule or tell people that they can wait for things until
• 5:54
  other things that are more of a priority in that moment get
• 5:58
  taken care of. All in the effort of me being
• 6:01
  able to maintain my nervous system.
• 6:04
  Yeah, You utilize healthy boundaries as a pathway to
• 6:10
  yourself care. Do you have you always realized
• 6:13
  you did that or is that something you had to like, Oh,
• 6:16
  wait a minute. In order to do these things,
• 6:18
  I've actually got to make sure I'm putting them in my calendar
• 6:21
  and prioritizing them in a way that doesn't allow other things
• 6:25
  that boy, that penciling in things we are so guilty of that
• 6:28
  you said something really important.
• 6:30
  And it's something I can't think I would learn before now, But
• 6:33
  here at the Rifle age of 56, I finally figured out capacity
• 6:39
  versus actual time on the calendar is how I need to
• 6:43
  schedule myself. And you mentioned that.
• 6:46
  So talk to me about this, the role.
• 6:47
  I mean, you're utilizing healthy boundaries now.
• 6:50
  Have you always had a good handle on that or how did you
• 6:54
  learn that? I think maybe while I was a, you
• 7:01
  know, when I started my career in private practice as a
• 7:06
  therapist, where I got to make my own schedule, I get to decide
• 7:09
  how many clients I want to see, right?
• 7:11
  I had to really question what felt like a normal amount of
• 7:17
  people to see in one day for the work that I was doing.
• 7:22
  I think back when I used to work for like a community clinic or
• 7:26
  just a nonprofit or, you know, working for someone else, Like,
• 7:29
  they tell me how many clients I should see for how long, right?
• 7:33
  And it was hard to really control the things that were
• 7:38
  causing the burnout, right? Because there were plenty of
• 7:41
  stressful things happening in life.
• 7:43
  But not realizing that, you know, I'm also experiencing
• 7:46
  empathy fatigue and, you know, secondary trauma, you know, and
• 7:51
  all these things that kind of really tire me out and then
• 7:56
  contribute to the erosion of my skills ultimately, right?
• 8:00
  And so knowing that I was running my own practice and
• 8:05
  being the only one that's responsible for myself and
• 8:07
  maintaining those skills and continuing my education, I had
• 8:12
  to make sure that I had things in place to make sure that I
• 8:16
  kept performing well. And I realized pretty quickly,
• 8:19
  like after seeing 5 clients in a day, like I'm kind of good,
• 8:24
  Yeah, I might do other things for my business.
• 8:26
  I might do a bunch of admin stuff or network or hang out
• 8:29
  with someone in a different capacity.
• 8:30
  But I usually don't do that deep therapeutic work more than more
• 8:35
  with more than five people in a day, Yeah.
• 8:37
  Yeah, yeah, I think that's such an important thing.
• 8:40
  You, it's that how, because you could fill probably two or three
• 8:45
  more hours in a day, but you're not going to be as present,
• 8:49
  you're going to be fatigued that no one wins when we do that.
• 8:53
  And I think that's such a great example of the larger issue we
• 8:56
  run into when women get this idea that prioritizing
• 9:00
  themselves and their Wellness is selfish.
• 9:03
  No, actually, it's actually really unselfish because you're
• 9:07
  ensuring that by filling your cup and managing your capacity
• 9:12
  in a healthy, effective way for you, you're showing up authentic
• 9:17
  and healthy and present for everybody else as well.
• 9:20
  They're not getting a minimized version of you in any way.
• 9:28
  And that was for our families too.
• 9:29
  Like you're not, you know, that's The thing is, you know,
• 9:32
  when we're balancing all these things, you have to like, OK,
• 9:35
  how much do I want to have for the whole day, not just in this
• 9:38
  workspace, but how much do I want to have for the whole day?
• 9:41
  How present do I want to be able to be in the evening, in the
• 9:44
  morning, all these things. There's many different layers of
• 9:48
  the day to consider when we're thinking about our capacity.
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  And I think too many times we think about capacity in terms of
• 9:55
  our work day. And I think this can be really
• 9:57
  difficult whether you're working in medicine, therapy, which is
• 10:02
  mental health medicine, as a lawyer, all these things they
• 10:05
  have the all these billable hours and billable hours don't
• 10:08
  take into consideration capacity.
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  And so that ability to be like, no, no, no, I am more than just
• 10:16
  a, a statistic on a calendar that says I'm available.
• 10:21
  And I have to really put these things in place so I can be
• 10:25
  present in all the stages and spaces of my life.
• 10:29
  Exactly. Exactly.
• 10:31
  Yeah, yeah. All right.
• 10:33
  And this goes nicely into the connection between mental,
• 10:36
  emotional, physical, spiritual health.
• 10:39
  These are all connected. You see this all the time.
• 10:41
  You've talked about how you see it in yourself and your
• 10:44
  capacity, but also you help people do this.
• 10:48
  And so talk to me about how did you decide that this is the
• 10:52
  avenue you wanted to go down? As a therapist.
• 10:56
  Yeah. Yeah, I think that I have always
• 11:02
  been nourished by intimate connection.
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  You know, I think I've always been hyper aware, especially as
• 11:17
  a child. And maybe a lot of children feel
• 11:18
  this way, but the performance of life, right?
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  It's like the way that your family acts in the house versus
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  the way they act out in public and how drastic that can be
• 11:29
  sometimes. And you're just like, what is
• 11:31
  reality? Yeah, yeah.
• 11:34
  Where's? The disconnect here.
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  And so I often was just really curious about like, what's
• 11:43
  underneath, you know, when I was meeting people, when I was
• 11:47
  having friendships, it was very easy for me to kind of hold
• 11:51
  space for someone when they were no longer able to perform, you
• 11:54
  know, And so I think that that was always something that I was
• 11:57
  interested in. I also had, you know, a mom that
• 12:00
  struggles with mental illness. And, you know, I as as eldest
• 12:04
  daughters, as only daughters, you know, we tend to become, you
• 12:09
  know, backup parents. And so, you know, I think that
• 12:14
  I've had to be in a caretaker role very young in life.
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  And that has just forced me to not make myself the center of
• 12:23
  the world, you know? And so I think I've always had
• 12:26
  to consider myself as a person, as part of a community, as part
• 12:31
  of a village, as part of a system.
• 12:34
  And so I think that that really lended itself to my interest in
• 12:38
  studying human behavior, mental health, social work and, you
• 12:43
  know, all the systems that come into place that affects our
• 12:46
  quality of lives. Yeah.
• 12:49
  Yeah, yeah. So for you personally, I mean,
• 12:52
  you talk about being a caregiver at an early age.
• 12:55
  Did you notice the connections between all these, the mental,
• 12:59
  emotional, physical health pretty early on because of that?
• 13:02
  Or is that something you kind of, oh, that's why I always had
• 13:05
  a stomach ache. I got, you know, home at 4:30 PM
• 13:09
  or that's why I had a headache, you know, that kind of a thing.
• 13:12
  Or was that something you're like, oh man, I can feel how the
• 13:15
  stress is impacting this? I think that that was definitely
• 13:19
  a later in life thing. I don't think we're not, you
• 13:22
  know, we're not raised to be in tune with our bodies, right?
• 13:25
  We're raised to kind of optimize our energy.
• 13:30
  Yeah. And yeah.
• 13:31
  And so I don't really, I don't think there was ever a time in
• 13:36
  my youth where it was about like, reconnecting to my body or
• 13:41
  listening to my body. I just followed directions.
• 13:45
  And so I think it's only now in my life in my 40s that I'm
• 13:49
  sitting here and watching my body not be able to do things
• 13:53
  that used to do, to sit and have to pay attention to, you know,
• 13:58
  how it's changing and how I need to adjust my lifestyle to.
• 14:02
  So not just to maintain vitality but to feel good in your body
• 14:06
  every day, which is like going to bed at a certain time is is
• 14:10
  more important now and more than ever.
• 14:12
  Yeah, yeah. And if that sleep thing is
• 14:14
  underestimated, thank you for that, because I think it's it is
• 14:17
  that very thing. We don't hear it when we're
• 14:19
  young. It's not emphasized.
• 14:21
  We don't even hear it when we go to our, you know, Western
• 14:23
  medicine doctor's offices. We're not asking us questions
• 14:27
  necessarily. The conversations are happening
• 14:29
  more and more. We're hearing more about it, but
• 14:31
  over time and as, as we were growing up, I mean, I'm about 10
• 14:34
  years older than you. We weren't, nobody was making
• 14:37
  those connections. And it's really just, and all of
• 14:39
  a sudden you get to a point in your life like, hold on a minute
• 14:41
  here. I if I do this or I don't do
• 14:44
  that, if I don't eat here, if I don't sleep here, boy, my
• 14:48
  emotional mental state is. And so you, you're like, Oh
• 14:52
  yeah. All these systems are connected
• 14:54
  and speaking to each other, which I think also just makes it
• 14:57
  as more in tune as humans. I'm sure it makes you feel more
• 15:01
  in tune with the people you're working with and and this next
• 15:05
  talking point, showing up for yourself unapologetically as
• 15:08
  well as other women. This for me is where your work
• 15:11
  really comes together because you not only have your
• 15:15
  restorative space, counseling and therapy that you're doing,
• 15:18
  you've got your her soul supply. And this is focused on
• 15:23
  empowerment for single women of color to know who they are, to
• 15:27
  value who they are, to know they're not defined about
• 15:31
  whether they're single or coupled or not that they get to,
• 15:34
  they can thrive. And so to me, this is like how
• 15:38
  this unapologetic piece really comes all together for you.
• 15:42
  Tell me about your Rd. In deciding to start this this
• 15:47
  part of the work you do. Yeah, So I started my private
• 15:54
  practice about six years ago, you know, working with eldest
• 15:58
  daughters, the intersection of trauma.
• 16:02
  And I noticed a pattern. You know, I noticed that there
• 16:05
  were women coming into my practice who I did some
• 16:08
  wonderful trauma work with, but also some who were coming in
• 16:15
  feeling like their problem was that they just couldn't have
• 16:18
  healthy relationships and that that was why they were single
• 16:22
  and that they had, you know, grown to not trust.
• 16:27
  You know, they don't even know where to start with dating
• 16:29
  because they're like, I've been burned or I'm just, I just came
• 16:32
  out of another situation ship or now I'm having another breakup
• 16:36
  or I've just been single for so long and I don't want to settle.
• 16:39
  And I just have this discomfort around feeling like I'm not
• 16:43
  doing it right or there's something wrong with me for
• 16:45
  being a single woman of a certain age.
• 16:49
  And, you know, I really identified with them because I
• 16:53
  also went through a singlehood journey where I felt like, you
• 16:56
  know, there was something wrong with the fact that I wasn't
• 16:59
  doing what my peers were doing or what, you know, or being on
• 17:03
  this relationship escalator, you know, as we often see people in.
• 17:07
  Yeah. And I knew that when I was in my
• 17:09
  single head journey, that there were certain things that I did
• 17:13
  that really became the foundation for one, the, the
• 17:19
  person I am now in, in now 15 year relationship and, and, and
• 17:24
  continuing to work on that. But also things that really
• 17:29
  helped me get to know myself so that I, I knew what I was
• 17:32
  looking for by the time, you know, I did meet someone that I
• 17:36
  wanted to spend my life with. And so I wanted to really help
• 17:40
  facilitate that for these women. And I felt restricted by the
• 17:45
  medical model of it all. I felt like, why do I need to
• 17:48
  diagnose you? Just to help you find ways to
• 17:52
  explore life and more expansively, right?
• 17:55
  Like that's not being single isn't a diagnosable thing.
• 18:00
  And to try to pathologize you for being single over 30
• 18:05
  essentially is, you know, I'd be part of the problem, right?
• 18:08
  I'd be part of a long legacy of healthcare providers who
• 18:12
  pathologized women for not following the status quo.
• 18:15
  Yeah, right. Like, they used to call them a
• 18:17
  hysterical. They used to give them
• 18:19
  lobotomies, right? All because they didn't want to
• 18:22
  be housewives or they didn't want to have kids, or they were
• 18:26
  unhappy in their relationships and they were just acting out
• 18:30
  the discomfort or dissatisfaction with having to
• 18:34
  be a modern woman, Right? They're always pinned as
• 18:37
  problematic. I mean, they used to call them
• 18:40
  witches. I was literally just going to
• 18:43
  say that I was literally that was the next slot in my head of
• 18:46
  like when you if you think you know about the whole Salem witch
• 18:50
  trials and all that, the history of witches, go back and actually
• 18:54
  study the true history behind it.
• 18:56
  True history. Boy, that's a whole loaded
• 18:58
  statement in itself these days. But the true history behind it,
• 19:01
  because it was exactly that. It was women who were like this
• 19:04
  little box you've given me to working is not aligned with who
• 19:08
  I am. It's not working for me and I
• 19:10
  won't settle for it. Yeah.
• 19:14
  And I think that that's something that a lot of modern
• 19:15
  women are saying today, especially single women who
• 19:18
  don't want to settle, who don't want to just give in to, you
• 19:24
  know, marrying someone or just having kids, because that's just
• 19:27
  what society expected them to do at this point.
• 19:29
  They they want a different path and they want to reinvent
• 19:32
  themselves. And they only want, they only
• 19:34
  see the value of doing those things because it's something
• 19:37
  that they want or that they see that they can have with someone
• 19:40
  who aligns with their values and their principles and can really
• 19:44
  walk the walk and not just set themselves up to, you know, be
• 19:48
  given all sorts of lip service and then be the one that has to
• 19:52
  carry the invisible load because that's what they watch their
• 19:54
  mothers do. Right.
• 19:57
  Yes. Yeah.
• 20:00
  And and so I think, you know, pathologizing these women was I
• 20:04
  just, I was like, that would have been part of the problem.
• 20:07
  And so let me create this. Yeah.
• 20:08
  So let me create this other service that, you know, is able
• 20:14
  to expand offerings that felt limited by that therapy
• 20:17
  practice. And I'm like, OK, well, I'm
• 20:19
  going to. Make it educational because
• 20:21
  there are certain things that I want single women to learn about
• 20:24
  themselves, learn about how to have value added experiences
• 20:28
  with other people, how to build community, but also have in
• 20:32
  person gatherings, have them travel, right?
• 20:36
  Because travel was a huge therapeutic factor in my
• 20:39
  singlehood journey. And like how do I help
• 20:41
  facilitate that for them? How do I teach them about
• 20:44
  things, about finances and building wealth?
• 20:47
  Because we were raised to think that we needed a 2 income
• 20:50
  household to do that, right? So what happens when you don't
• 20:53
  have that? I can't buy a house anymore
• 20:55
  because I don't have a man, you know?
• 20:57
  So I think, you know, being able to create that platform for
• 21:03
  women to really be able to learn and thrive together, I think is
• 21:08
  really key to helping them not feel so stuck.
• 21:11
  Yeah, and I think goes it, it allows them to feel like they
• 21:16
  can show up unapologetically because there's just such a
• 21:19
  stigma out there. You feel like you have to
• 21:22
  apologize for who you are if you don't fit into the box.
• 21:26
  And this work you're doing with is like, no, no, no, I'm not the
• 21:29
  problem. The system and the narratives
• 21:33
  and the, you know, the societal expectations are the problem.
• 21:36
  I'm not the problem. I won't apologize for that.
• 21:39
  I'll stop saying, you know, I will not live like I'm an
• 21:42
  inconvenience or, you know, or, you know, any in any type of
• 21:46
  way. And I think that's so important
• 21:48
  and valuable. And also for women to have
• 21:50
  community and not feel alone in it and realize, oh wow, there's
• 21:54
  a whole population of us out there.
• 21:58
  I'm not doing this alone. I'm not an outlier.
• 22:00
  There's not something wrong with me.
• 22:03
  Exactly. Exactly.
• 22:04
  And so when you are having, you know, going to events where you
• 22:09
  meet other women that are just like you and they understand
• 22:12
  exactly what you're going through, I think it really
• 22:14
  changes the perspective about who's the problem.
• 22:17
  Yes, absolutely, absolutely. So true, so true.
• 22:21
  All right. Talk to me about how your why
• 22:24
  and your values have informed these decisions you've made, how
• 22:28
  you've showed up in spaces. I mean, I think you are
• 22:31
  empathic, nurturing, dedicated and sensitive.
• 22:34
  That is not only how you describe yourself, but I can see
• 22:38
  through your work and the conversations we've had.
• 22:40
  That's a very much these are things you value that are
• 22:43
  important to you. So talk to me about the kind of
• 22:45
  the coming together of that for you and how it informs how and
• 22:49
  where you show up today. Yeah.
• 22:51
  I mean, I think that especially in the work that I do, right for
• 22:56
  her soul supply and restorative space.
• 22:58
  Like I have the job of holding space.
• 23:01
  I have the job of facilitating these deep conversations with
• 23:05
  yourself, right? And so I think that my
• 23:09
  profession in general, no matter what offers that I have or which
• 23:13
  business are very rooted in that belief that I'm here to hold
• 23:17
  space for you. You are the number one priority
• 23:19
  for this time that we're here together.
• 23:22
  And so I think that my work has really benefited, has really
• 23:29
  benefited me in terms of I don't have to shift very far from my
• 23:32
  values to, to be able to support myself and support my family
• 23:37
  and, and you know, the work that I have to do when I'm not with
• 23:40
  my family. Right?
• 23:41
  Yeah. And so I would say that that's a
• 23:43
  big part of how I kind of maintain those values and how I
• 23:48
  live those out of my day-to-day life.
• 23:49
  And I think that it's also a big part of my my journey, as you
• 23:58
  know, in in all of the intimate relationships that I have.
• 24:01
  What I mean by that is, you know, in my partnership with my
• 24:05
  husband, in my motherhood and my relationship with my daughter,
• 24:09
  she's six years old now. And you know, I think that both
• 24:13
  of them see me as someone that is multifaceted, right?
• 24:18
  And clearly my 6 year old thinks of me is just mom.
• 24:21
  But I'm a mom who also, like, goes out with her friends and,
• 24:25
  like, has her friends over, you know, who has, like, things to
• 24:29
  do that aren't just with her. You know, my husband also knows
• 24:34
  me as someone who is very driven.
• 24:37
  And once I have my eyes set on a goal or a vision that I want to
• 24:41
  manifest, that I'm going to be really dedicated to that and I'm
• 24:44
  going to be really accountable to that and that you can't get
• 24:47
  in my way. Yeah.
• 24:52
  Like, don't. Don't tell me, you know, don't.
• 24:55
  Don't bother me with trivial things that you can be doing
• 24:58
  because I'm. Because you feel like I should
• 25:00
  be doing them. No, you know, and so as much as
• 25:04
  I give him room to tap into his creativity, the things that he
• 25:08
  loves to do, you know, the same is expected for me.
• 25:13
  And so I think that that is the ways in which I run the
• 25:17
  relationships in my life. Like I'll have to have that
• 25:19
  understanding is that I'm not like some martyr for you.
• 25:23
  Right, which I love that. I love that you're here today
• 25:26
  because I will tell you growing up like you did, being in a
• 25:30
  caregiver role so early, it can be difficult to move yourself
• 25:35
  out of that space and realize that's not how you have to show
• 25:40
  up in the world all the time in every way that you can.
• 25:43
  The I mean, the example you're setting for your 6 year old,
• 25:47
  that is priceless because we can tell our kids all the things we
• 25:51
  want to tell them. They will remember what they
• 25:54
  saw. They will remember what you did.
• 25:58
  I've got three grown daughters. I can, I can tell you that right
• 26:01
  now. So that is so powerful what
• 26:05
  you're doing and what you're teaching her right now through
• 26:08
  that. I think that's such a beautiful
• 26:10
  and how you and your husband operate together and, and seeing
• 26:15
  how this is how a back and forth, an interaction.
• 26:18
  No one's in charge of another. We honor each other collectively
• 26:22
  and in our own, you know, different ways of doing things.
• 26:27
  How soon after you left home were you able to kind of start
• 26:34
  getting yourself? I mean, I, I think you're
• 26:36
  incredible that you were able to get yourself on this path
• 26:39
  because that there's not a straight through line for how
• 26:43
  you where you've gotten today. Yeah, Yeah, I know.
• 26:48
  I think that I've, it's come with challenges, right?
• 26:51
  Like I think I've, if I shield away from being honest with
• 26:55
  myself about some situations that I was in, I don't think I
• 26:58
  ever would have learned my lesson.
• 26:59
  You know, I think that, and I say this to clients a lot, is
• 27:02
  that avoidance is the number one symptom that keeps you stuck in,
• 27:07
  in trauma that keeps you stuck like, you know, in, in
• 27:11
  situations that you don't find nourishing.
• 27:14
  Because if you can't even be aware of the problem, you can't
• 27:17
  be aware of the cycle and actually want to do something
• 27:19
  about them, then the cycle will just continue.
• 27:23
  I had a relationship that was really a manifestation of a lot
• 27:27
  of the negative self-image that I had of myself.
• 27:35
  It was a reflection of my chasing something that wasn't
• 27:40
  really true to my identity. Basically he was like a high
• 27:46
  functioning alcoholic and you know, we were together for four
• 27:49
  years. We met in college, which is a
• 27:51
  place where alcoholism is very normalized.
• 27:53
  You know, I didn't really notice notice it.
• 27:58
  We met when I was probably at my thinnest, you know, and so there
• 28:01
  was kind of this standard there. And when we moved together to
• 28:06
  New York and started a life here, you know, I think things
• 28:08
  got very real about like what it means to actually be like a
• 28:12
  couple who's like a team that is trying to thrive together in the
• 28:15
  beginning of our adult lives and careers.
• 28:18
  And I think the relationship turned very sour, and I became
• 28:25
  the caregiver. And, you know, I realized that
• 28:29
  my relationship was the only place in my life where I felt
• 28:34
  that I wasn't good enough. Because on the flip side, I was,
• 28:37
  you know, getting my master's degree in social work.
• 28:41
  I had an internship. I had a full time job at a child
• 28:45
  welfare agency. I was going all over around New
• 28:47
  York City, doing all sorts of work, going to family court,
• 28:50
  advocating for families. And I was kind of like, you
• 28:53
  know, pretty awesome. I was like an adrenaline ducky.
• 28:57
  Social work. Yeah.
• 28:58
  Social worker. Yeah.
• 28:59
  And I, yeah, I was really killing it.
• 29:01
  And I had interests and I reconnected with certain friends
• 29:04
  and I started going to concerts again and things like that.
• 29:06
  And it was in my relationship where I just looked in this
• 29:11
  reality where I just felt like I wasn't good enough or I didn't
• 29:14
  go to the gym enough. And I was, you know, he's not
• 29:17
  happy that I'm not as thin as I was in college.
• 29:20
  And he just complete disregard for me, like holistically, as in
• 29:26
  and making no real room for my growth.
• 29:29
  Yeah. And and I, I was really
• 29:32
  submissive to that. I was subservient to that
• 29:34
  because that's just how I watched my mom.
• 29:36
  You know, my mom was very submissive to my father and felt
• 29:39
  like her role as like a traditional wife was to be
• 29:43
  really to, to defer to her husband, to her partner.
• 29:48
  And, you know, I just, I dealt with that for a long time.
• 29:51
  And then there was a trip that we took as a family to Peru,
• 29:54
  which is where my family of origin is.
• 29:56
  And I don't, I don't really take many people there because it's
• 29:58
  not, you know, it's an expensive trip and, but it is where the
• 30:01
  majority of our family is from. And I decided to take him.
• 30:06
  My dad wasn't so happy about it. And I can very much see how why
• 30:10
  now. But my mother was really making
• 30:13
  that try to make it happen for reasons why.
• 30:15
  I also can see why now. But you know, he went on the
• 30:21
  trip, he met my extended family. He came back early, so he had
• 30:25
  like a week apart. And when I came back, he said
• 30:27
  that he actually, like, really enjoyed, like, being apart and
• 30:32
  that maybe he should move out and we can, like, still be
• 30:35
  together, but like, that he should, like, move out.
• 30:38
  And I was like, well, you've literally just met my entire
• 30:41
  extended family. And after all of the babysitting
• 30:44
  I do for you and the deferring that I do to, like, maintain a
• 30:47
  life with you, that this is how you felt about my absence.
• 30:51
  Yeah. Then I think this is over.
• 30:53
  And he was really shocked at the fact that I just called it.
• 30:56
  And of course it was heartbreaking.
• 30:57
  Of course I was upset about it and of course I wasn't expecting
• 31:00
  it. But I also felt like there was a
• 31:02
  certain level of self respect that I just wasn't willing to
• 31:05
  sacrifice. And so that was kind of the
• 31:08
  beginning of the end. And I think after that, I did a
• 31:10
  lot of soul searching and, and just tapping back into parts of
• 31:15
  myself that I just let be dormant in order to like put
• 31:19
  this man on a pedestal. And it really, it was killing me
• 31:24
  slowly. And so I knew I had to do a lot
• 31:27
  to make sure that didn't happen again.
• 31:30
  Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much for sharing
• 31:33
  that. That is not an uncommon story.
• 31:37
  And what I love about it is you found your way out of it.
• 31:40
  I was in a relationship with a lot of similarities and it
• 31:44
  started in my senior year of high school and I got out of it
• 31:46
  my junior year. And it was messy.
• 31:48
  And it was all based on what I saw modeled growing up.
• 31:52
  And I, I, I, I can totally relate to that moment.
• 31:56
  I, there was a moment that happened in the fall of my
• 32:00
  junior year where I didn't expect when I went into the
• 32:04
  conversation that day, I had no inclination that this was going
• 32:07
  to be. But they're just a line in my
• 32:09
  head was just crossed where it's just like, no, we're done.
• 32:14
  And I knew it wasn't going to be a like break up, get back
• 32:16
  together that we've done a lot of it was no, no, we're done.
• 32:20
  I just this is no, I've seen enough.
• 32:23
  I've done enough and you finally kind of start seeing in the
• 32:26
  mirror the path that you're heading down.
• 32:27
  Like, wait a minute, this is starting to look way too much.
• 32:32
  What like I'm trying to get away from.
• 32:35
  No, I, I get to make a decision here for me.
• 32:38
  So I understand. Thank you for sharing that.
• 32:40
  Those are powerful lessons and and they do, they set the
• 32:44
  trajectory. Sadly, so many times too many
• 32:46
  women don't make that choice for themselves and they end up 1520
• 32:50
  years later, sometimes making that choice or they just live
• 32:54
  this contentedly. So and so I, you know, so thank
• 32:58
  you for sharing that and, and how you've been able to, to grow
• 33:02
  into this beautiful space that you inhabit today, which leads
• 33:06
  me to living out of your own expectations versus others.
• 33:09
  That's what you have done. You've learned the power of
• 33:12
  that. You also help others do that now
• 33:14
  as well. And talk to me about it's
• 33:18
  complicated because you got to communicate it.
• 33:20
  It can be messy because people don't always want to.
• 33:24
  They like you showing up the way you've been showing up for them.
• 33:27
  And so when you alter and change and start living out of your own
• 33:30
  expectations instead of the ones they have of you and the ones
• 33:34
  that are serving them, it can be tricky and messy.
• 33:37
  But there's also, in my experience, there's a freedom
• 33:41
  that comes with it. Would talk to me about your
• 33:43
  experience with it. My experience with the freedom
• 33:49
  but. Like learning to live out of
• 33:52
  your own expectations versus others and what that has meant
• 33:55
  for you in terms of living in alignment with yourself and, and
• 33:58
  your ability now to help other do that, do that as well.
• 34:01
  Because I really think to really authentically help others do
• 34:04
  that, it's important that you've done the work on yourself first
• 34:07
  to really be able to connect to that.
• 34:10
  Yeah, I mean, I think it it feels good to to to have
• 34:18
  personal freedom, right? Like it feels good to do
• 34:24
  whatever you want. Right, like within.
• 34:28
  Reason clearly like your responsibilities if you're a
• 34:30
  parent or you know, you have a job, like you're going to keep a
• 34:33
  job. But I think that you know, even
• 34:37
  something as simple as like Sunday is rest day.
• 34:40
  I make no obligations like we wake up and we just do whatever
• 34:44
  we feel like doing. Sorry, honey, if karate's on
• 34:47
  Sunday, like you're not doing karate there.
• 34:49
  It's just we're going to do it another day or somewhere else.
• 34:52
  Sunday I'm not going to hustle on Sunday.
• 34:55
  It is my day of rest and I'd have more days of rest if I can
• 34:59
  afford it. So, you know, I think just when
• 35:04
  I get to really follow through on those things that I feel
• 35:08
  strongly about, like they feel good because then that meant
• 35:12
  that we started making pancakes and like watching movies under
• 35:15
  the covers now that it's getting cold and we're going to watch
• 35:17
  holiday movies together and not worry about it.
• 35:20
  Or, you know, I'll just put something on the slow cooker all
• 35:23
  day so that we can have soup later and I can still feel
• 35:25
  productive because I'm like, cook something like.
• 35:28
  You know. Something I'm funny and that's a
• 35:31
  good take out, you know, so I can still, I still have these
• 35:35
  things that I that I like that I want.
• 35:37
  You know, I think it's part of why I also like to travel is
• 35:40
  like, OK, like I may not always have like tons of money to get
• 35:44
  on a plane, but I can definitely make sure that I leave the city
• 35:49
  every quarter to do something, you know, until I can go to
• 35:53
  Greece, you know, or all these other bucket list places that I
• 35:56
  have. Yeah.
• 35:57
  But to prioritize it is something that I save for, no
• 36:00
  matter how long it takes me to do it, you know, where versus
• 36:04
  how I feel when I begrudgingly do things I don't want to do.
• 36:08
  Yeah, right. And just, you know, at the sight
• 36:13
  of something not working out about the thing I don't want to
• 36:16
  do, I'm just like, see, This is why I should have done it.
• 36:19
  You know, This is why I hate doing this.
• 36:21
  It's like, you know, I'm very particular about what I'll be
• 36:26
  selfless about, right? And it's usually because I'm
• 36:29
  doing it for someone that I really care about because I know
• 36:34
  that it's more, it's really important to them and it doesn't
• 36:37
  cost me too much, right to give that.
• 36:40
  Yeah. And that's, that's like a very
• 36:42
  specific criteria I have for why I do things for other people.
• 36:46
  Yeah, you're not abandoning yourself, you know, to, and I
• 36:49
  think that's a big part of the issue.
• 36:51
  Thank you so much for that. So good embracing our layers.
• 36:54
  I talk a lot to to women about embracing your layers, all the
• 36:59
  pieces and parts of your story that make up who you are.
• 37:02
  The ugly ones, the hard ones, the beautiful ones, the complex
• 37:05
  ones, the shame filled ones, all the things.
• 37:08
  And it's like I, I really, truly believe in order for you to
• 37:12
  really be in touch with who you are and align and build your
• 37:15
  life around that alignment, you've got to know your value
• 37:18
  and knowing your value comes from.
• 37:21
  And I tell people all the time, you don't have to love all these
• 37:23
  seasons and decisions and things that happened, but being able to
• 37:27
  get to a neutral point of curiosity rather than judgement.
• 37:31
  Like, you know, given what I saw growing up and what was modeled
• 37:35
  to me, it's no wonder I ended up in that relationship.
• 37:39
  Everything around me spoke to the fact that that makes sense.
• 37:42
  I ended up there. I'm so glad I didn't stay there.
• 37:45
  I wish I hadn't stayed there so long.
• 37:47
  But I, you know that and I use that example with myself because
• 37:51
  I held a lot of shame for a lot of years that I stayed in the
• 37:54
  relationship for so long. Why did I do that?
• 37:57
  Why did I allow myself to be treated like that?
• 37:59
  And then when my therapist said, she said, I want you to get
• 38:02
  curious about that. I want you to meet her where she
• 38:06
  was at that age and see what she knew, see what she was
• 38:10
  surrounded with. And that changed everything for
• 38:12
  me. And I think that's such a key
• 38:13
  component of our layers journey. Talk to me about your layers
• 38:17
  journey and and what it's looked like for you to embrace your
• 38:21
  layers and all the pieces and parts that make up who you are.
• 38:27
  Yeah. I mean, I think that that's
• 38:29
  something that is an ongoing challenge, right?
• 38:33
  Because if you are someone that wears multiple hats in your
• 38:37
  life, like caregiver, parent, partner, supervisor, leader, you
• 38:45
  know, I think that it takes work to create balance amongst those
• 38:51
  things. I think balance is, is not easy.
• 38:56
  And so when I think about like embracing all of the layers, I
• 39:02
  think about being able to, to, to fill, I think I think of it
• 39:07
  as like we are, we are made of cups and we have to find a way
• 39:11
  to fill all of the cups. And sometimes we spend a little
• 39:14
  too much time, like trying to fill a cracked cup.
• 39:17
  Oh yeah, yeah, I love that. That's a great metaphor.
• 39:21
  And that's a great visual too. Yeah.
• 39:25
  And I think when we can do that as well, it just, you know, it,
• 39:28
  it's all, it's all intertwined. It informs what we value.
• 39:32
  It informs where we set our healthy boundaries.
• 39:35
  It informs what our non negotiables are.
• 39:38
  It informs like, oh, I know that fills my cap.
• 39:40
  That does not. So we're not going to, you know,
• 39:43
  give any more energy to that. And, and, and also too, I think
• 39:46
  that recognition that different layers show up at different
• 39:50
  times in different relationships.
• 39:52
  So, you know, when I ask people who they are, I'm like, I'm not
• 39:55
  just talking about who you are in this one space, whether it's
• 39:59
  home with your family, whether it's when you're traveling with
• 40:01
  your girlfriends, whether it's talk to me about all of it
• 40:04
  because all of it makes up who you are.
• 40:06
  It's all part of your layers. That doesn't mean it shows up
• 40:08
  all at the same time too. So I think accepting the nuance
• 40:11
  that goes with that as well. Exactly, Yeah.
• 40:16
  Yeah, all right. In living out feel, which I
• 40:19
  think you do so beautifully, finding empowerment, embracing
• 40:22
  layers. You talked about this earlier,
• 40:24
  you talked about relationships and those those I non
• 40:29
  negotiables, those values that inform your relationships.
• 40:34
  Talk to me about the evolution of that because I feel like your
• 40:37
  ability to embrace who you are and know yourself well and value
• 40:42
  yourself has really impacted and informed your your relationships
• 40:47
  in your life, in all facets of your life.
• 40:49
  Would you agree that that those two are interconnected?
• 40:53
  Yeah, I would say it's very much reflective of of me as a person.
• 40:58
  Yeah, yeah. And did that shift for you
• 41:00
  really happen after that college relationship ended?
• 41:06
  I think so. I think that it happened
• 41:08
  gradually, like as I got to know myself more and also as I
• 41:12
  started building community that was able to reflect back at me
• 41:16
  that I that I was on the right track, that I was treating
• 41:19
  people well, that I made people feel good about themselves and
• 41:24
  that made me feel good about myself.
• 41:25
  You know, I think that cultivating the right community
• 41:28
  was really key to that, to that growth and that confidence.
• 41:32
  Yeah, absolutely. So good.
• 41:34
  All right, Fanny, we are winding down here.
• 41:37
  Tell me 5 activities that nourish you.
• 41:40
  Five activities that nourish me. I love dancing.
• 41:45
  I love house music and going out with my friends to dance.
• 41:50
  I love a good drama, like a good film.
• 41:55
  I love going to. I still love going to the
• 41:57
  movies. I really, you know, I think we
• 41:59
  live in a time where we keep wondering if movie theaters are
• 42:01
  going to become extinct. And I really hope they don't
• 42:04
  because I love. I love a theatre.
• 42:08
  I love. Yeah, I love, like, a film room.
• 42:12
  What else is nourishing, napping with my daughter?
• 42:16
  You know, I feel like that's like such a happy place for me
• 42:19
  to just like, peacefully fall asleep at the same time.
• 42:25
  Was that three or was that four? I don't know.
• 42:28
  I think it was 4I. Think that was four.
• 42:30
  OK, one more and learning like I feel like I'm a life learner and
• 42:36
  and so I love learning things through books or like watching
• 42:41
  an inspiring Ted talk or something like that, or even
• 42:44
  some of the continuing education courses that I take for I mean,
• 42:48
  yes, I have to do it for my license, but like I genuinely am
• 42:51
  interested in my field. And so I just love learning
• 42:54
  about different kinds of theoretical concepts and things
• 42:58
  that I think have a lot of impact on our lives.
• 43:01
  Yeah, yeah, I love that. All right, 5 words on how you
• 43:04
  want to feel the next six months.
• 43:07
  I don't want to feel the next six months.
• 43:09
  I want to feel abundant. I don't want to feel scarcity,
• 43:15
  so I want to feel abundant. I want to feel hope.
• 43:23
  I want to feel hopeful. I want to feel like I have
• 43:33
  options. I know that's not a feeling
• 43:34
  word, but I want to feel like I'm options in.
• 43:38
  That way. Hopeful.
• 43:39
  Yeah. I want to feel grounded in
• 43:44
  myself and I want to feel. I want to feel joy.
• 43:50
  I'd love that so much. All right, tell people where
• 43:53
  they can find you and follow you.
• 43:55
  Learn more about all that you do.
• 43:57
  And this will also be on our website at embracinglayers.com
• 44:00
  on the resources page. But share that real quick with
• 44:03
  people. Yeah.
• 44:04
  So for folks interested in my trauma therapy practice for
• 44:09
  eldest daughters, they can find me on restority space.
• 44:14
  So that's www.restority.space. And I practice in New York, New
• 44:22
  Jersey and Connecticut and the US.
• 44:24
  And for women who are seeking coaching and community, you can
• 44:32
  find me at her sole supply.com. All right, I love the focus.
• 44:38
  I'm an oldest daughter. So I you and I connected on that
• 44:41
  early on and I have an oldest daughter and my sister in law's
• 44:45
  an oldest daughter. And it's amazing the things that
• 44:49
  we connect on the things our greatest strengths that can also
• 44:53
  be our greatest hindrances. If we don't know where the line
• 44:57
  in the sand is, the boundary is, the non negotiable is.
• 45:00
  I love that that's a focal point.
• 45:02
  I don't think we talk about the those, we talk about birth
• 45:07
  order, but I don't know if we get into enough all the
• 45:11
  complexities that go into it. And I think that oldest
• 45:14
  daughters, especially in the society and cultural narratives
• 45:18
  that go with being an oldest daughter.
• 45:21
  That's just another area. And we didn't talk about it a
• 45:23
  lot throughout the recording, but I wanted to point that out
• 45:25
  in the end, I'd love that's a space you've chosen.
• 45:27
  I think it's so vital and so important to finally, because
• 45:32
  you feel like you are always the one taking care of everybody and
• 45:35
  everything else. So to go to a space to know that
• 45:38
  you're the priority. You talked about this earlier,
• 45:41
  but when you're with, you know, a client, they're the priority.
• 45:44
  To be able to feel so seen, heard and listened to when
• 45:48
  you've grown up in a narrative where it's the opposite of that,
• 45:51
  I think that's very powerful. Yeah, yeah.
• 45:55
  Thank you so much. I love that.
• 45:57
  All right. Any last thoughts you'd like to
• 45:59
  leave with our listeners today? I just love to tell people that
• 46:06
  remember that the world is always bigger than you think it
• 46:08
  is. I love that.
• 46:12
  Did you? Is that informed by the travel
• 46:14
  you've done? It is it, It really is.
• 46:17
  I feel like just getting out of your comfort zone in general,
• 46:20
  either through travel or just new experiences is always a way
• 46:24
  to really unlock that. And it tends to be the the way
• 46:27
  that we kind of clear the clouds in front of us.
• 46:31
  Yeah, yeah, I think the growth that's possible through travel
• 46:36
  is really powerful. So thank you so much for sharing
• 46:38
  that. All right, listeners, so much
• 46:40
  good in this episode today, check out Fanny's resources, let
• 46:45
  your friends know about Fanny's resources and and take good care
• 46:49
  of yourselves. Know you're valuable, know
• 46:51
  you're worthy. You don't have to fit in
• 46:53
  anybody's box. It's good to be you the way you
• 46:57
  are in honoring that and surrounding yourself with people
• 47:00
  that honor that. I'm so thankful and Fanny, that
• 47:03
  our paths crossed and for the way you show up on the world.
• 47:06
  Listeners, take good care of yourselves.
• 47:08
  Thanks so much for being with us and we'll see you next time here
• 47:11
  on the Field podcast. Hello and thank you so much for
• 47:15
  being with us today on this episode of the Feel podcast.
• 47:19
  If you would like more information on how you can apply
• 47:23
  these talking points that I share with our guests in each
• 47:27
  episode to your own life, really utilize this Feel framework, go
• 47:32
  to embracinglayers.com, fill out our contact form, and let's set
• 47:37
  up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how you can start
• 47:43
  being your most authentic, organic, healthy, feel fueled
• 47:48
  life. Thanks again for being with us
• 47:50
  today. We'll be back to you soon with
• 47:52
  another episode here on the Feel Pod.