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EP 51: Stop The Mental Clutter With These Simple Tools · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

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How much of your day are you spending thinking about the things you
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can't change, the things you can't solve yet, or you
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already know you need to do? So today, friend, we're going to clear
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up some of that mental clutter. You know the kind,
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you know, the one that's just spinning around in your mind over and over again.
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So I'm going to give you a practical way to know when something deserves
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more thought or when you're just ruminating. And when
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it's time to stop dreading it and just accept the discomfort
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and do the thing. Because sometimes the boundary we
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need isn't with another person, right? It's with our own thoughts.
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If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much,
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and wondering why peace still feels so hard to hold onto,
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you're in the right place. Hi, I'm Lori, mom,
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former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach.
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Here we talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries,
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and get clear on what actually matters so that you can build a
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life that feels lighter, calmer, and more satisfying.
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So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into
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this next episode.
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Welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms. I'm your host, Lori Grimes.
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So Have you ever spent more time thinking about something
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than it actually would have taken you to do it or to deal with it?
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Maybe you're just replaying something that's already happened in the
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past. Maybe it's like a conversation that you had, or it was
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a decision that you made. Maybe it was money you spent, or something you said,
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something somebody else said to you. Or maybe you're just doing the opposite.
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You're just trying to solve something that hasn't
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even happened yet, this fantasy future you
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haven't gotten to yet. You're just running through every possible scenario
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trying to make a decision when you don't even have all the pieces or
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all the information that you need. Or maybe you already know exactly what you need
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to do, you just don't want to do it. So instead, you're going
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to spend 3 days just thinking about the thing or doing the thing that
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might just take you 15 minutes to do.
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So today we're going to talk about mental clutter and
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specifically how to set boundaries with your own
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thoughts, the space between your ears, guys.
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Because boundaries aren't just about what we're going to allow
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from other people. Sometimes we need boundaries within
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ourselves, our inner boundaries, and sometimes we need
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boundaries around what we're going to continue giving our mental energy
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to because not every thought that asks
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for your, your attention deserves it, right?
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So what is mental clutter? Well, when I say mental
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clutter, I'm talking about all those thoughts that take
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up space in our heads without moving
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us anywhere, right? It's just the replaying. Maybe we're rehearsing
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things or second-guessing The scary dreading,
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trying to predict what someone else is going to do when we say a thing,
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or trying to solve a problem we don't have enough information for to even solve.
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Maybe we're just keeping something on our mental to-do list
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instead of like writing it down or scheduling it or, you know, making space
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for it. But I want to make an important distinction here. I'm not saying
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we shouldn't think deeply about things because really we should.
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Sometimes we just need to process what happened, right? We need to sit
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with something, or sometimes genuinely it just deserves a little more of
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our time and attention. But the question isn't, am I
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thinking about this? The question rather is, is my thinking taking
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me somewhere? Is it getting me somewhere? Because there comes
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a point when thinking just stops being productive and
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We need to talk about reflection versus rumination.
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That's something we need to break down. So what exactly
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is rumination? You may have heard this word and not known what it is,
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but it basically just means we're repeating something
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and going over the same problem or the mistake, or maybe it's a
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conversation or a worry or a situation without actually reaching a
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resolution or taking any actual you
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know, action on it, or meaningful action. And there's a big difference between
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reflection and rumination. So reflection moves,
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and just imagine rumination is like a hamster wheel— it just goes in
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circles. So reflection might ask, like, what happened here?
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Or what was the part I played? Is there something I need
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to repair? Or what can I learn from this? Maybe you'll ask yourself what
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will I do differently next time? But rumination sounds like this:
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why did I do that? I can't believe I did that. What did she
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think about me? Maybe I should have said this or that.
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Or what if I had done that instead? Let me
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just replay the whole conversation one more time. And at some point,
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we have to recognize that I'm not learning anything new anymore with
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this, and I've already gotten what I can get from
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this situation. So let me talk about this Subway lesson
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I learned here recently. So I had a really—
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this is a very simple example of this
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right here. So my son, he had 2 friends with him,
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and my daughter was with us, and I decided I
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was gonna treat everybody to Subway. But then I saw the
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total and it came to $50, y'all. And I
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remember thinking, ugh, this is a lot more than I normally spend just
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grabbing some lunch or quick dinner for everybody. So now I could have camped
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out right there, and I, you know, in the past I would have. I could
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have spent the rest of the afternoon thinking, why did I spend $50 on
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Subway? I should have made something at home. I could have gotten something
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cheaper. That was stupid of me. But none
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of that was gonna put the $50 back into my account, y'all. So instead,
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I thought about it long enough just to ask a few questions. I said to
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myself, what do I need to learn from this? Because there was a practical lesson
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here. So I decided, okay, next time I'm feeding several teenagers,
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Subway probably isn't the most cost-effective option.
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I'll choose something different. But when I thought about a
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little deeper, I realized there was a lesson underneath that,
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because really what happened there was I was doing some
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people pleasing. I was thinking about what everybody else wanted, what my son
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wanted, what my daughter wanted, what everybody would enjoy, what would make everybody
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happy. And that's nice, but I hadn't thought
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even long enough about myself or my budget.
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And again, not anything wrong for wanting to give
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something nice to people and give them a dinner they would like, but next
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time I can just pause and ask what works for everybody, which includes
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me. We sometimes forget we're part of this equation. So once
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I figured that out, there was nothing else I needed to get
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from that experience, right? I had already done the reflection. I had learned
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my— what I wanted to learn from it, and I decided what I was going
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to do next time. Now I could release it because there's a point
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when you're no longer learning from the past. You're just
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reliving it over and over again. So this kind
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of brings us to how do you know when you've thought about something enough?
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So I'm going to give you a practical tool. When something keeps
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coming back into your mind, ask yourself these 3 questions.
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So the first one is, do I have any new information here?
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Is there a new decision I need to make? Is there a new action
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I can take here? If the answer is no to
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all 3, then you're gonna just say, or you're gonna ask, Okay,
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what am I hoping to accomplish by thinking about this
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again? Because if nothing has changed since the last time you
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thought about it, another hour of thinking about it isn't going
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to magically produce something different, right?
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And you can remind yourself, I've already taken what I need from this. That doesn't
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mean the thought won't come back, and I
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think that that's really important. So a boundary with your thoughts isn't
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controlling every thought that enters your mind. That's not possible. Thoughts are
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going to just poof and show up, right? The boundary is deciding
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which thoughts that you're going to continue participating in,
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because we are participating. We are doing
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the back and forth here. So what about something in the future,
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something that's coming up for us that's, that's in the future?
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So let's go the other direction. Sometimes something really does need
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more thought because it's going to be happening in the future and you just don't
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have everything you need yet. Maybe you're just waiting for somebody
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else's decision there, or maybe you need a price on something.
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Maybe you're waiting for the schedule to know what you're going to do
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here. Maybe you need to talk to your spouse, or maybe something isn't happening for
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like 6 months and you're trying to make a decision based on information
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that doesn't even exist yet. So ask yourself Do I
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actually have enough information here to solve this problem?
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Like, do I have all the pieces to this puzzle here? If not,
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identify what is missing and be specific here.
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I can't make this decision right until I know this piece of
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information. Then ask yourself, when will I reasonably have that
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information? So you can kind of guesstimate and schedule a time that you should
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revisit it. Like, I should know this in the next week.
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Literally, guys, put this on your calendar if you need to. Put a reminder
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on your phone that says Friday, revisit this decision.
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And then when your brain brings it up Wednesday night, you can remind yourself,
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I haven't forgotten about this. I already decided when I'm
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gonna deal with it. So again, guys, this is not procrastination
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or avoidance. This is an actual boundary here. And there
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is a difference between ignoring a problem,
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and intentionally postponing a decision until you have
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all the pieces you need to make it. And that is smart, guys.
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This is going to alleviate a lot of anxiety and replaying.
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And you don't have to solve Friday's problem on Wednesday,
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right? Okay, so we need to start
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sorting some of this mental clutter out. If it's in the past,
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you're going to reflect. You're going to learn and you're going to release.
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So you're, you're going to figure out what happened here,
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what do I need to take from it, what do I need to learn,
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is there anything I need to repair here, and what will I do differently next
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time. Once you've gotten the lesson, stop making
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yourself mentally pay interest for the same mistake
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over and over and over. If it's in the future,
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just prepare and decide what you can in the moment
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and schedule the rest. So what do I know? That's a good question.
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What do I know? Ask yourself, okay, what don't
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I know? What can I reasonably decide today?
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And when will I revisit the rest of it? But then there's the
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present, and sometimes we create mental clutter because we
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already know exactly what needs to happen here. We just don't want to do it,
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right? So I want to talk about The
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mental cost of dread. You know when
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you just don't want to do something and you are
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dreading it? You're thinking about the
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phone call you need to make. You think about it Monday,
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maybe you think about it Tuesday. It's Wednesday morning and we're still thinking about
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it, and you're like, uh, and you'll still need to make that phone
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call. And you think about it while you're driving or while you're
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making dinner. Or maybe Thursday,
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you finally decide to make the call, and it takes you like, what, 8 minutes?
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And the actual task only took 8 minutes,
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but mentally, guys, we gave it 4 whole days.
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Sometimes we spend more energy dreading something than just
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doing it, and putting it off doesn't necessarily save
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us from any discomfort, right? Sometimes it just extends the
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amount of time we're uncomfortable. And I think dread
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is, again, the interest that we're gonna pay on something that
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we haven't even done yet. We're paying interest and you still have the
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original bill to pay. So now we've added 3 days
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of thinking about it and we still have to do it. So here's
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the dread test. So when you notice yourself dreading something,
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ask, am I waiting because I actually need something Or
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is it because I don't want to feel the discomfort of doing
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it? Because sometimes there really is a reason to wait,
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right? And maybe you just need more information, or maybe you need the money,
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or maybe you need someone else, maybe their availability,
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you need to know what it is. Maybe you're upset and need to calm down,
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and you just need to have your emotions calm before having the conversation.
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Those are all legitimate reasons to wait, but I'm not talking
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about those times. I'm talking about the times that you just don't want to
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do it. You're not motivated to do it. You don't want to make that call.
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You don't want to make the appointment. You don't want to tell somebody
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no. You're avoiding it. And you don't want to open that bill and you don't
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want to start that project and you surely don't want to have that conversation.
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And sometimes we're just making this unconscious agreement with
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ourselves like, I'll do it when I don't feel so
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uncomfortable about doing it. But what if that feeling doesn't come,
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guys? Think about that. So this is
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where I think you could give yourself a gift,
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which is acceptance. So acceptance just says, okay,
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this is going to be uncomfortable, and that's okay. I don't have to like it.
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I don't have to want to do it. I say this to my kids all
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the time when they don't want to do something. That's okay, you don't have to
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want to do it, and we're going to do it anyway. And I don't have
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to get rid of my anxiety before I begin. I can accept that I'm
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going to feel uncomfortable and I'm going to do it while I'm
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uncomfortable. Sometimes we're spending all this mental
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energy looking for a way around the discomfort
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when the shortest way out is just to go through it. Go ahead and
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make the call with your stomach in knots. Have the awkward conversation or say
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no knowing somebody might be disappointed.
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Open that bill even though you're nervous about what you're gonna see.
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So start even though you don't feel ready.
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Maybe you're uncomfortable for like 10 minutes,
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but guys, compare 10 minutes of discomfort with carrying this
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dread around for 3 days. That sounds worse, right?
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Sometimes just accepting those 10 minutes of discomfort is saving
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us 3 days of mental clutter
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and distraction. And that's a boundary with ourselves
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too. I'm not going to require myself to feel
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comfortable before I take care of something that needs to be done.
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So sometimes you just gotta rip that band-aid off. I tell my kids that all
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the time. Let's just rip that band-aid off. You're not being reckless, and it's not
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before you have the information that you actually need.
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This is when you've already made the decision and you
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have what you need, and the only thing standing between you and the
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action is is I don't want to feel this. That's when
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acceptance can free you guys. You can just tell yourself,
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okay, I'm going to do this uncomfortable feeling
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right now, and I can handle being uncomfortable, so let's
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do it. Let's go. Because the goal isn't always to make the uncomfortable feeling
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disappear, because sometimes we can't stop
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the uncomfortable feeling. We just have to make the decision
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to go anyway. So here's a practical tool for
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those situations. You're gonna decide, does this actually need to
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happen here? If you decided yes, stop reopening the decision.
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Stop renegotiating. We talk about that here on the podcast.
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Do not negotiate. Okay, define what's
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the next actual action I need to do. Not, I need
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to deal with our finances. Maybe it's like, I'm gonna open the bank account and
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just Look at the numbers. Maybe it's not, I need to deal with this health
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thing. Maybe you're just going to make an appointment. Or maybe it's
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not, I need to fix this relationship. Maybe you're just going to text this friend
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and ask when you can talk. So maybe the next step is just smaller
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and more specific than, you know, and then you
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can accept. You're going to accept what discomfort am
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I going to be willing to feel in order to do this? I'm going to
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have to deal with some anxiety. Maybe it feels awkward or embarrassing.
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Someone's going to be disappointed possibly, or I'm going to be bored. That's okay.
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I can feel that and I will survive. And then the next thing is you
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do it. You take the discomfort with you and take the next step. Rip that
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Band-Aid off. But I think there's one, one more step
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that's very important that will make the next time a bit easier.
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I want you to remember. So how are you gonna do that?
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After you finally do the thing that you've been dreading and putting off,
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just don't just move on. I want you to pay attention to
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what happened. Maybe even journal about it. Ask yourself,
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what was I afraid that was going to happen? Like,
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how uncomfortable did I think this was gonna be?
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And was it this uncomfortable? Was it as bad as I
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thought it was gonna be? 'Cause guys, a lot of times it's not as bad
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as we think it's going to be? Or how about, how long did the actual
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task take compared to how long I spent dreading it? So maybe that task only
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took you 5 minutes, but you were putting it off for 2 days.
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And how did I feel once it was done? Because we tend to
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forget that, right? We forget all about the relief we had
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or the satisfaction we had. So 2 weeks from now, another uncomfortable
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thing is probably going to pop up and our brain's going to say, oh no,
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I don't want to do this. And we start this whole process
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over again. But the difference is you have some evidence.
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You can look back and remind yourself, okay, I have felt
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this before. I wanted to avoid it last time too, and I thought it was
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going to be awful, but then I did it and it wasn't nearly as
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bad as I had built it up to be.
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And sometimes it will be hard, guys. I know that it will be hard,
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but maybe you've had this conversation Or maybe
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you have that conversation, okay, with the friend or whatever, and it doesn't go well.
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Or maybe the appointment is uncomfortable, or somebody got disappointed.
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But that's useful information too, because then your journal doesn't have to say
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nothing bad ever happens, because that's not reality.
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Maybe it says something like, okay, that was hard and I handled it
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and I lived through that and it was okay. We're not trying to convince ourselves
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that everything's going to always be easy. We're building evidence that says I
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can be uncomfortable and still take action.
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And that builds our confidence and our trust in ourselves. So leave
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evidence for your future self, please. Next time
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dread shows up, you have something more than fear to
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draw off of. You have experience. Decide,
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define, accept, do, and then remember.
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So there's one more category of mental clutter that is especially
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important when we talk boundaries. It's other people's stuff.
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So what does she think about me, right? Is, is he mad?
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Or why did she say that? Or what is he gonna decide?
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Or why doesn't she see what's happening here? What,
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what should they do? We can spend an enormous amount of mental energy just
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working out problems that aren't even ours, right? And sometimes there's no amount
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of thinking that's going to give us the answer because the answer exists inside somebody
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else's life and somebody else's head. So I want you to ask, is this
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even mine to figure out? Because it might not be, friend.
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If there's a conversation you need to have, go and have it. If there's a
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question you need to ask, then ask. But if
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there's something that's actually your responsibility, of course take care
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of it. But sometimes the boundary is simply Oh, this belongs to them
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and I don't need to carry it around in my head. It doesn't need to
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take up rent and space in my head. So what
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does scripture say about our thoughts about this? So I think it's interesting how much
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scripture actually deals with what happens in our minds.
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One of the verses that immediately comes to mind when we're talking about boundaries
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with our thoughts is 2 Corinthians 10:5.
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We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself
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up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every
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thought to make it obedient to Christ. So I love the
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way this is laid out. This is active. Take captive
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every thought. Because it doesn't say that every thought you have
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is true. And it doesn't say every thought deserves to be followed
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up on. And it doesn't say because you have a thought that
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popped into your brain, you have to keep entertaining it, right?
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We can stop and examine what we're thinking and say, is this
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true? Ask ourselves, is this consistent with what I know
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about God? Is this thought actually leading me somewhere productive?
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Or have I allowed this thought to run around unchecked in my
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mind for the last 3 days? So here's another one.
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Philippians 4:8, finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is
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noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
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whatever is admirable, If anything is excellent
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or praiseworthy, think on these things. And the word
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that really stands out right here for me is what is true.
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Not things we're projecting, like what I'm afraid is going to happen
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here, or something I'm imagining somebody's thinking about
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me, or the worst possible outcome that I could come
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up with in my brain. What's actually true here? What do I
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actually know to be right right now? That becomes especially important
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when we're thinking about the future. Because I may have a decision coming in 6
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months from now, but what's true right now today? What information do
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I actually have? Because rarely, guys, is it ever as bad as
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our brains would like to make it to be. Am I right?
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So I think this scripture is just helping
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us define how we need to deal with
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our thinking. Because maybe we've spent years of replaying conversations.
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Years of assuming that someone is disappointed when we've— we think
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we've done something wrong. And renewing our mind is so
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important. We need to practice something different
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so that we can go somewhere different. I can notice the
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old pattern without automatically following it.
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That's important. And finally, listen to what Jesus says in Matthew 6:34.
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Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
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Each day has enough trouble of its own.
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I think that fits so beautifully with what we've been talking about today because there
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are things that belong to tomorrow. That doesn't mean we
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are irresponsible, guys. It just means that we don't need to plan
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that. It doesn't mean that we don't prepare, but there's a difference between preparing
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for tomorrow and mentally, like, being and living in tomorrow.
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Sometimes there's genuinely nothing else for me to
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do today. I'm waiting for information. I'm waiting for
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an answer. I'm waiting on someone. And I can tell myself, that's tomorrow's
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problem. There will be grace to deal with it for tomorrow. I don't need to
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spend today repeatedly playing this over and over
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in my mind, and it cannot be solved. And I want to be careful here.
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I don't want to— I don't think any of these scriptures mean that a
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faithful Christian is never anxious in thought or never has a negative thought,
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or, you know, thoughts show up, of course, sometimes without even being invited,
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right? Just pop right in our brain. But I don't want to give every thought
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authority here. I don't want to feed every thought.
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I don't want to follow every thought. I, I don't
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want to give every thought this unlimited access to
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the time, my time and attention, because it's valuable.
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So maybe taking a thought captive Sometimes this looks like stopping
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and asking, is this true? Is this mine? Is there something
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I need to do, and do I have enough information to do it?
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Have I already learned what I need to learn here? And am
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I trying to avoid discomfort instead of taking action?
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And finally, is continuing to think about this actually
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going to change anything? Because sometimes the most faithful,
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God-honoring thing we can do with a thought isn't think
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about it harder. Sometimes it's just recognizing I've done what is
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mine to do today and trusting God with the
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rest of it, handing it over to him. So this week, when you notice something
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taking up a lot of space in your head, I don't want
25:20
you to immediately tell yourself stop thinking about that. Instead, I want you to figure
25:24
out where that thought belongs. If it's in the past, we're going to reflect
25:29
We're gonna learn and we are gonna release. Okay,
25:32
take the lesson with you, leave the punishment behind,
25:36
guys. If it's in the future, I want you to prepare. I want
25:40
you to decide what you can and schedule the rest.
25:43
You do not have to solve a problem before
25:47
you have all the pieces you need to solve it. If it's
25:51
in the present and you already know what needs to happen, I want you to
25:54
decide Define it, accept it,
25:58
do it, and then remember what you learn and decide
26:03
what needs to happen here. Okay, again,
26:05
define the next step and accept that you may be
26:10
uncomfortable, but do it anyway. And then remember what you learn because
26:14
you need this evidence the next time dread
26:17
is gonna pop its head up again. And if the thing taking up
26:22
space in your head belongs to somebody else, just ask yourself,
26:25
is there actually anything that's mine here? Because the goal isn't
26:29
to have an empty mind. That's not possible. The goal is to
26:32
become more intentional about what
26:36
is taking occupancy there. Your attention is valuable,
26:40
guys. Your mental energy is limited,
26:43
and not every thought deserves this unlimited lease
26:47
in your brain. Sometimes a boundary is simply, I have thought enough
26:51
about this. I've taken what I need from it,
26:54
and I know what my next step is. And then guys,
26:58
you are free to move forward.
27:02
If today's episode helped you, friend, make sure you
27:06
are following healthy boundaries for moms and
27:09
share it with a friend or a family member who might need it too.
27:13
And I want to hear from you. Have a question or a situation
27:17
you'd like me to talk about on the podcast? Leave me a voice message
27:21
using the link in the show notes or send your question to me by
27:25
email. You may just hear your question answered on an upcoming episode.
27:30
So until next week, friend, keep choosing the boundaries that protect what matters
27:34
most.