Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / The Anger You Swallow Comes Back For You | EP 325

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The Anger You Swallow Comes Back For You | EP 325 · Confident and Empowered Women

• 0:05
  You know Yosemite Sam, face red, stomping around, hooting and hollering, kicking up dust in every which way, wearing himself completely out, and never actually getting the thing he's aiming for.
• 0:18
  That's what unprocessed anger looks like When it finally comes out.
• 0:24
  It's not precise or aimed.
• 0:26
  It's just everywhere all at once, usually at the wrong target and way past the point where it could have actually gotten you what you needed.
• 0:35
  That's anger working you.
• 0:37
  It builds up in silence, and then it takes the wheel, and by the time it's driving, it's not thinking about your goal, it's just crashing out.
• 0:45
  And even when the crash out is valid, it's got you looking crazy.
• 0:50
  But it's what's happening underneath that's really doing the damage to your confidence.
• 0:55
  Anger working for you looks completely different.
• 0:59
  It's calm, clear, concise.
• 1:01
  Said the moment you feel it, not six weeks later.
• 1:04
  Same energy underneath, completely different outcome.
• 1:09
  The difference is whether you are running it or it's running you.
• 1:13
  So let's get into it Hey friend, I'm Letitia, and this is Confident and Empowered Women, where we talk about the stuff you think about late at night when the house is finally quiet.
• 1:26
  We're having the conversations you may not be having anywhere else, so hit subscribe now because we are building confidence, self-love, and the life you love, brick by brick Okay, so I'm curious, what brought you to this episode?
• 1:44
  Are you the one who's been tagged as the angry Smurf?
• 1:47
  The one who goes zero to 100 real quick?
• 1:52
  Have you lost your cool way more times than you care to admit?
• 1:56
  Is your instant reaction to, well, I mean anything, to just pop off?
• 2:02
  Or is it just your default and your crash out is valid because he had it coming?
• 2:10
  If you happen to have caught the YouTube video I made yesterday, you already know I called this out because somebody who is being known for the calm one, the non-confrontational one, the one who's just over it, well, we're
• 2:26
  going deeper here.
• 2:28
  I'm talking bestie on the phone after a long day kinda deep into what anger is actually for and why the way you've been handling it might be quietly wrecking your confidence.
• 2:42
  Ooh, friend, this is good Anger versus resentment.
• 2:46
  Let's get clear on what these two actually are because they get used interchangeably and they are not the same thing.
• 2:53
  Anger is information.
• 2:55
  It shows up in real time.
• 2:57
  It's specific.
• 2:58
  It's pointing at something that hurt you, that crossed the line, that was not okay.
• 3:05
  Feeling anger is not wrong It's what you do with it that can become problematic.
• 3:13
  Anger has a job.
• 3:15
  Resentment is what happens when anger doesn't get to do that job.
• 3:20
  It's anger with nowhere to go, so it archives.
• 3:24
  And while it sits, it compounds.
• 3:27
  And it doesn't stay quiet forever, it just waits for the wrong moment usually to make a collection.
• 3:35
  And while we're here, let me talk to my non-confrontational friend.
• 3:40
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:41
  The one that doesn't wanna argue, fuss and fight, make a scene.
• 3:45
  Doesn't want anyone upset or angry, least of all you.
• 3:50
  So you bottle it up in the name of no more drama.
• 3:55
  But friend, when all of that pent-up anger and resentment is festering within you, you're creating dis-ease in your body, and who knows how it will show up Here's why this matters for your confidence specifically, and I really need
• 4:13
  you to lean into this one.
• 4:14
  Confidence isn't a personality trait, it's evidence.
• 4:18
  It's the accumulated proof over time that you show up for yourself That when something's wrong, you say so at the size it actually is, close to the time when it actually happened And every time you go Yosemite Sam
• 4:34
  Mm-hmm.
• 4:35
  I'm talking all the hooting and hollering, or you do the weeks of silent treatment, then erupt.
• 4:43
  You are not protecting the relationship or yourself.
• 4:47
  You're not doing anybody any favors right here, okay?
• 4:51
  But you are teaching your nervous system that you can't be trusted to handle your feelings like the mature woman you truly are.
• 5:01
  That's the actual cost, not just the blow up, the self-trust you lose every time that pattern repeats Your body keeps the score, and when it's not adding up, it's taking away from your confidence and self-trust.
• 5:18
  So when you wanna go chase that dream, the doubts and fears have evidence that you don't trust your feelings.
• 5:24
  When you wanna express yourself but then don't, that's more evidence mounting that you don't do that because you haven't put in the reps to trust yourself.
• 5:36
  Anger was never bad or wrong until it was used as a weapon, when really anger is just a signal telling you something is wrong and it needs to be addressed.
• 5:48
  It was never meant to be the way it gets addressed Anger is like Day-Day in Friday After Next.
• 5:56
  It wants action.
• 5:59
  And not you getting active, but actually taking action, okay?
• 6:07
  Anger isn't asking to move in with you either.
• 6:09
  It's not supposed to be a roommate.
• 6:11
  It shows up, delivers the message, and then it's waiting on you to do something with it.
• 6:19
  The second you act on the information, most of the intensity resolves itself because it did its job I can't help but think about a client of mine whenever I teach this.
• 6:31
  She lived in this exact pattern, especially with her partner.
• 6:36
  Something would hurt her, and instead of naming it in the moment, she'd explain it or excuse it away, make a slick remark, Side eye and hope he'd notice and translate his transgressions, but never the actual sentence that would
• 6:54
  have summed up her feelings exactly, minus the damage control afterwards.
• 7:01
  Instead, she'd bottle it, and then eventually it would come out red-faced and everywhere all at once.
• 7:08
  But by then, the damage was already done, and even the valid parts of what she was saying got buried under how it came out, laced with venom, lashing out, which made it easy for him to focus on her
• 7:23
  delivery instead of her actual need.
• 7:27
  Even when your points are valid, no one can hear them over a foul delivery.
• 7:33
  We had to work through catching it early before it would mount up and erupt by naming it cleanly the moment it showed up.
• 7:42
  And the difference in how she was treated and how she felt about herself afterward was night and day.
• 7:50
  And it wasn't just the relationship with her partner that changed.
• 7:53
  She also seen it across many of her relationships.
• 7:58
  If you want the one thing you can do right now the moment anger shows up, go check out this week's YouTube video.
• 8:05
  I walk I walked through the exact move there.
• 8:07
  I'll be sure to link it in the show notes.
• 8:10
  But for now, we're gonna go further than just the one move and talk about what to actually do with it Friend, this is exactly the kind of thing that hits different on paper than it does just listening to
• 8:26
  it in the car.
• 8:27
  I've got journal prompts.
• 8:28
  I'm talking the kind that help you catch your own pattern instead of just recognizing it in someone else's story.
• 8:36
  You'll walk away knowing exactly what you need and how to express it without blowing up your life.
• 8:43
  Go grab them.
• 8:44
  They're linked in the show notes Okay, so once you've felt it and you know what it's pointing at, what do you actually do with it?
• 8:56
  Here are a few moves depending on what the moment calls for.
• 9:01
  Yes, you could write a letter that you're never gonna send.
• 9:06
  Just get it all out.
• 9:08
  No filter, no editing for niceness, then delete it or burn it.
• 9:12
  That's not about the other person.
• 9:15
  That's just about you processing it and getting it out of your body.
• 9:20
  You could have the actual conversation.
• 9:23
  Say the thing.
• 9:25
  Clear, concise, and make your request, Especially if this is an ongoing relationship that matters to you, where staying quiet keeps costing you.
• 9:36
  Or you could let the anger name the boundary and just make one small change.
• 9:43
  Say no to the thing.
• 9:44
  Stop showing up somewhere.
• 9:46
  Redirect the energy you've been giving away for free You don't have to have a whole confrontation, okay?
• 9:54
  Sometimes the shift is just quietly reclaiming your own access.
• 10:00
  Pick the one your situation is actually calling for And for your self-love two-step remix, step one, feel it.
• 10:09
  Don't bypass it.
• 10:11
  let yourself register it in the moment.
• 10:14
  Something happened, it's not okay, and you are allowed to know that and feel that without immediately smiling, explaining it away, or making it a joke.
• 10:26
  Step two, let it point you to action.
• 10:30
  Ask the anger, what's it actually asking for?
• 10:35
  Not how do I calm down?
• 10:37
  But what does this want me to do?
• 10:40
  Then take one of the moves that we talked about, name it, ask for it.
• 10:45
  One clear shot instead of a wildfire, okay?
• 10:50
  And step three, the you step.
• 10:52
  You get still, you get quiet, and you ask yourself, "What is my heart telling me to do next?"
• 10:59
  Because whatever comes up, that is your right next aligned step.
• 11:05
  Don't need the whole plan, just the next move, and trust her.
• 11:09
  She already knows Okay, now let me pour into you real quick.
• 11:15
  Friend, you are not wrong for having anger.
• 11:20
  Feeling it is natural.
• 11:22
  You are not difficult for wanting to be treated right in real time instead of eating it for six weeks.
• 11:30
  The version of you who names it when it happens instead of when it explodes, she's not harder to love.
• 11:39
  She's easier to trust, starting with herself.
• 11:43
  you are allowed to be the woman who says something.
• 11:47
  You are allowed to aim instead of rapid fire without a target.
• 11:53
  That is not you being difficult.
• 11:56
  That's you finally being on your side.
• 12:01
  Anger is the red flag, and you're meant to see it.
• 12:04
  Instead of acting out from it, alchemize it into the power to advocate for yourself, set boundaries that honor you, all while respecting yourself and those you are in a relationship with.
• 12:21
  Every time you do, you build confidence and trust within yourself because the most important relationship you have is the one you have with you.
• 12:33
  And when you become the one who handles their anger, it stops manhandling you Anger doesn't have to consume you.
• 12:42
  It does not have to be your default or the thing that drives all of your choices, decision-making, or actions.
• 12:52
  When you learn how to use it for your own highest good, it becomes the lever you pull to launch into your confident self.
• 13:02
  And the more you do it, the more confident you feel, and the more you trust yourself to show up and stand up for you Ooh, ooh, ooh, that is confident and empowered encoded, okay?
• 13:21
  And if you made it all the way here, that's not nothing.
• 13:25
  That's you doing the work, sitting with something a little uncomfortable instead of scrolling past it.
• 13:34
  I'm so proud of you for that, So go easy on yourself today.
• 13:40
  Friend, you deserve to fall in love with yourself, your days, and your life, not someday, but right now.
• 13:48
  This conversation, this work you showed up for, this is how it happens one layer at a time, and I'm gonna keep showing up for you just like you are showing up here with me.
• 14:03
  I'm sending you big virtual hugs, and no matter what comes your way, together we can encourage over everything, and I'll see you soon