Latest / Stacked Intent: Your Guide to Authentic, Intentional Living / 121 What Self-Love Actually is — And Why It’s So Much Harder than it Looks

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121 What Self-Love Actually is — And Why It’s So Much Harder than it Looks · Stacked Intent: Your Guide to Authentic, Intentional Living

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, my name is Becca Stackhouse Morrison, and I am ready for you to tune in each episode to hear ways to become you.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Looking at ways you can be your authentic and intentional self, you'll finish each episode motivated to live life more authentically.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I learned how to be truly me through relationships, chronic disease, finances, and taking each journey along the way.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Talk about the real aspects of life?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships, finance, nutrition, hardships, exercise are all topics that we will discuss.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Pull up a seat, drive safely down the road, or get into that workout groove to be challenged, motivated, and encouraged to be you.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is the Stacked Intent Podcast.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, self-love is one of those topics that I feel like everyone talks about, but almost nobody actually does.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that gap is really worth exploring.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, I'm pretty excited to be joining you today as co-host.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So that's exactly where we're gonna start today because we often talk about self-love.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's on mugs, t-shirts, it's everywhere, but most it's not actually practiced.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's a reason for that and why that happens.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Real self-love, the kind that actually changes things, is pretty hard.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It requires you to look honestly at how you treat yourself and make changes that feel somewhat uncomfortable.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So today we are going to define it properly.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk about where you might actually be able to start.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna clear out some myths that get in our way sometimes, and we're gonna help understand what it can really look like when it's lived behavior behaviors, not just what's inspiration and practice.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: But before we practice self-love, maybe we need to know what it actually is because I think that most people have a vague, fuzzy sense of it and maybe not a clear definition.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: So a fuzzy definition means a fuzzy practice a lot of times.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I want you to think about with self-love.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Self-love is a committed relationship with you, with yourself.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's an ongoing choice to treat yourself with a care, a respect, and a compassion, regardless of what your current situation is, what your achievements are, your appearances, or even what your mistakes have looked like.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that word regardless is doing a lot of work there.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: So it is an important word in the definition because for most of us it's conditional love with ourselves.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'll love myself when I XYZ, when I lose weight, when I get promoted, when I fix these things I don't like about myself.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: And the problem is that goalpost, it's never gonna stop moving for us.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so you're not actually ever there.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's always something else to fix before you think you maybe deserve it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so psychology is self-love sits at the intersection of three things self-awareness, knowing who you are, self-acceptance, being able to be who you are without a constant war against it, and self-compassion, which is extending to yourself the same kindness that you would offer someone else who you genuinely love.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that third one that's the one that gets people, isn't it?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: The compassion piece.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy, and so worthiness.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is the root of all of it, is that worthiness.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I want to spend time here because I think this is actually the foundation that you build that self-relationship with.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you mean by a worthiness in this context?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, in this context, it's the deep bodily belief, not just the intellectual acknowledgement, that you are worthy of care, love, and good things without having to earn that piece.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it is where you might get stuck sometimes because depending on that environment that you grew up in, it's gonna depend on what love was trained to be in your in your subconscious.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so, where you felt the most loved, was it when you performed, achieved, or how you behaved in a certain way?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so your nervous system has learned that that's the only way for worthiness is by proving it.
• 5:41
  unknown: Whew!
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: That is an exhausting way to live because there's always a new standard, always something more to achieve before you're enough.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: And there's research that's been clear on this.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: People who have genuine sense of love and belonging believe that they are worthy of it.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the whole thing.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just that they have better lives or more achievements, it is that they've made a decision somewhere along the way that they are enough as they are.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a decision that's available to every single one of us, to anyone.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it is, it's not a personality trait of you have or you don't, it's a practice.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, like most things, it takes work, and it starts with noticing the story you're currently telling yourself about what your own worth is, and that's beginning to question it.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, can we clear out some of those myths?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that we all have beliefs and and people hold beliefs about self-love that actively keep them from ever building it.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: So let's do this.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Myth one is self-love means thinking you're perfect.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: That is absolutely not what self-love is.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Self-love means that hold you're holding yourself with compassion, even or especially when you're imperfect.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about pretending that you don't have any flaws, but it's about deciding that your flaws are not what decide you're unworthy of love.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that's a big difference.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of times you hear that I'm a perfectionist, and it's almost like a funny ha ha compliment statement.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: But you can see yourself clearly and still be on your side, on your own side.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so myth two is self-love is the same as self-esteem.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Self-esteem is typically that conditional, it goes up when we succeed and it goes down when we fail.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Self-love is that more stable in our life, and then self-compassion from researchers argues that self-love through self-compassion is actually more healthy than self-esteem is because it doesn't require us to constantly evaluate ourselves.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you can have a bad day, make a mistake, fall short, and still be okay.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: That is completely right.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: So because your foundation isn't dependent on the outcome, you can still be okay because you've cultivated that self-love in your life.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: So myth three shows us that self-love means you won't grow or change.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually the opposite.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: People who practice self-love who approach themselves in a compassion instead of a judgment are more willing to face their mistakes honestly and make changes.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Shame is not as effective motivator for that growth.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: The compassion that comes along with your self-love is what is for that growth.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I wish that more people understood that.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: We think criticizing ourselves will motivate us to do better, but it mostly just makes us feel worse and more stuck.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and a lot of times that's feeding that negative self-talk that happens in our brains of when we wake up in the morning, are we being kind to ourselves or are we saying harsh words?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, think about your morning this morning.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: Was it harsh or was it kind?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: The first words that you said to yourself.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so myth four leads us into self-love is selfish, which deserves its own section completely.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is the one I hear the most.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel selfish when I prioritize myself, and it's so deeply ingrained, especially in women.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times that's because it's what we're taught.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if you think about the social media or the music or wherever you hear it from, it's what we're taught.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's explicitly or implicitly that we put yourself first is selfish, and that your needs matter less.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: That love means you're self-sacrificing.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we try to love ourselves, there's this voice in us that says, Who do you think you are?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, kind of they sit on your shoulder whispering or even yelling that.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you respond to that voice?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to be really clear about this.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Loving yourself is not the same thing as loving yourself more than others.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about becoming indifferent to other people's needs.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Self-love is the condition that makes you love others in a sustainable way.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: When you are genuinely cared for, when your own needs are being met, that you are able to give more to this.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: You can give from your fullness rather than giving from a depletion.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I've heard it said so many times.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can't pour from an empty cup.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it goes even further than that.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: When you're running on empty, you're what you're giving isn't even your best.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's depleted.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's the resentful version of yourself.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that hits home.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And the people you love don't actually want you to be this depleted version of yourself.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: The most loving people I know are also the ones who are able to love themselves to the fullest in wellness.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Not perfectly well, but their love for others is genuinely real because it's not coming from a place that is giving until they have nothing left.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: So self-love isn't taking from others, it's what makes genuine giving even possible.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's like if you've ever taken this metaphor of taking rocks that are big rocks, little rocks, pebbles, the sand and the water, and you have a jar to put them in, depending on the order you put those in, depends on how it fits.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: So if your big rocks get put in first, you're gonna have plenty of room for that workout, that family dinner, that family outing.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: But if you put the sand in first, one of those big rocks might not get put in.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where self-love comes of what does your life need to be molded at at the time.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Let's make this concrete because self-love is not just something that you feel, but it shows up in your behaviors.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: How so?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: You speak to yourself directly, the inner dialogue is less harsh and more patient.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: When you make a mistake, you course correct instead of spiral.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: You hold your limits, you say no to things that might cost you more than they give you back.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Not from a fear, but from a clear sense of what you can offer.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: That limit piece is huge.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: So many of the women that I talk to struggle with saying no because they genuinely believe that saying no means they're failing someone.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: And self-love is what builds the muscle to do this.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, you can also make choices that serve your future self, such as your sleep, movement, or nourishment.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Not perfectly, but consistently.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you stop tolerating things that diminish you, relationships that you feel small in, environments that completely drain you, and habits of self-criticism that you've never questioned.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: What's the one that you think surprises people the most?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Letting yourself be loved or receiving compliments without deflating them, just accepting help without a guilt, allowing people to care about you.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: And for many of us, it's actually harder than just giving.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because receiving requires believing that you have worth and believing that people are giving it without something attached on the other side.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me kind of laugh here because I over the years have heard people talk about compliments and just saying thank you, especially when it comes to meals that are prepared.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying thank you, the dinner was good, it's more like, well, thank you, but I didn't cook it like this, or I didn't have that, or I didn't.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's all this list of excuses.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So the practice starts really with one question.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: How would someone who loves themselves handle this?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's the question.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you ask it and you act on it.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: So, in the circumstance of, I mean, I just talked about loving your own company at a workshop I did, and so loving your own company on a walk by yourself, how would someone handle that?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Or I really want to make sure that I'm able to go and travel, how would someone who loves themselves handle this?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: You can fill that blank in with anything, but asking the question of how would someone who loves themselves handle this?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: So your action steps this week, it's simple but genuinely easy.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Notice how you talk to you.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's interesting.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice and realize that it can change as you age.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your answers can be different, but don't try to change it yet.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: So for one week, pay attention to your inner dialogue.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: When you make a mistake, what did you say to yourself?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: When you look in the mirror, what is your first thought?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: When someone doesn't go in the way that you planned, what story do you tell yourself?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, write it down if it helps.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes you can't transform a pattern if you haven't seen it clearly.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: And when you catch something that is particularly harsh, ask yourself, would I say this to someone I love?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: If the answer is no, then you just got your data.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Whew.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is such rich work.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what I want people to take away is that self-love is not a destination, it's a direction.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't arrive at it, you practice it.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: So every day in small moments and deciding to move in that direction, to treat yourself with a little more care and a little more compassion, that's where it begins.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for joining us and this conversation for everyone.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: I've really enjoyed every minute of it.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: To everyone listening, share this episode with someone who needs permission to be on their own side.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I look forward to having you join us next week on the nep next episode of Stacked Inten.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: That brings us to the end of this episode of Stacked Inten.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: If you loved this episode as much as I did, head on over and rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: New episodes are gonna be dropped on Thursdays.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Until then, this is Becca.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: And don't forget to enrich your life by being intentional.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: This podcast was created, produced, and recorded and edited last year.