Latest / Bird on a Branch / Ep. 02 | Anger Is the Messenger, Not the Problem
Transcript
- Carrie: guys. ⁓ so ⁓ am going to do a quick episode ⁓ something I feel is really important, something that I've been experiencing massively myself of things going on in my life, and ⁓ because know that there is a collective frustration, a lot of uncertainty, and the the thing that I want to talk to you today about is anger. ⁓ lot of the coaching I do ⁓ actually be really surprised. I a lot of people come to wanting to know themselves better or get some spiritual evolution going or get to know themselves spiritually or mm be better in their relationships ⁓ or be better mom or whatever the situation ⁓ and almost hundred percent of the time I ⁓ am going to with them and teaching them their own emotions. So the basic emotions of fear, ⁓ sadness ⁓ Anger, what's beneath anger, and the reason why I talk about anger is because actually anger is a secondary emotion typically. anger is something ⁓ I is stigmatized. I feel like you know there's some cultures in Northern What women and men all have like different rules and ideas around what's okay with feeling anger and how that looks and how it presents and manifests, and I really want to make sure people understand what actually is happening. And the reason personally why I feel drawn and called is usually an intuitive draw to the collective, meaning there's someone here that needs to hear this. This collective that's watching this needs to hear this, so I'm trusting that intuitive nudge ⁓ to come on and talk about something that isn't super comfortable to talk about, but this is what this this podcast is about having uncomfortable conversations. Just if as a little context, I grew up in a house where parents, you know, anger was allowed, but it was also like the you were heard. ⁓ The only way you were heard is if you got louder in my house. So ⁓ I learned at an early age that for me it wasn't like, ⁓ we're giving you permission to feel angry, but the expression of anger was scary coming from my dad, who a pretty bad temper growing up, is now like much more regulated, I would say. But I was also one of four siblings, and second in that, the is often the lost, lost soul, kind of like voice being lost and disappear ⁓ amongst chaos. So first want explain that anger ⁓ can ⁓ look really It look loud, it can sound loud, it can look loud. I can often feel like, you know, blood rushing to your face or ⁓ I don't I don't get the physical, I just get like the the nervous system, heart pounding and that kind of thing. But I really want to explain that most of what you see to day in world, politically, culturally, is a lot of anger ⁓ and I think, you know, being a mom, of where this is all coming from is one my children is going through a hard time, and I have worked very, very hard ⁓ on trying set an emotional ⁓ safety in my house of like ⁓ all are welcome, and ⁓ you let's just walk through them and learn to regulate. ⁓ and some some things have happened where know I have I have two boys and a girl. my is ⁓ amazing, she is going through those harder years and ⁓ she's tested ⁓ my ability to and when I get a f triggered ⁓ That looks angry. Okay, so one of the reasons I wanted to come on is because for me, and I know for my clients and I know for whoever's watching, when you feel angry, I I want you to understand that what's actually happening is a trigger. So something has pinged a wound of yours, usually a an older wound or ⁓ be a current wound, ⁓ underneath the anger is usually shame, fear. most of the time, a sense of powerlessness, sense of unfairness, that some sort of threat, your nervous system and our brain all like basically look at whatever the trigger is in that moment ⁓ and make meaning of what means me. So it is it is it threatening your agency or autonomy? Is it threatening your sense of self-aware enoughness? ⁓ is it pinging inadequacy? That's a huge one for parents. Is it making you feel happening this is the trigger? Is it making you feel like ⁓ you've done is not enough? And like you put yourself in, you know, if you're a mom or or a parent, being afraid. ⁓ And feeling not enough and having something challenged that all that effort of trying to show up better and be better can really trigger the like that sense of like nothing I do is ever enough. ⁓ when feel yourself ⁓ walking like that, ⁓ I it's really important to be able to name the emotion. ⁓ And not make sure you're not putting it under an overarching umbrella. What I see all the time is people call it anxiety, people call it like I'm just frustrated. then there's a lot of like shame and guilt and like backpedaling and like I shouldn't I shouldn't feel this way and Yes you should. It's totally you have full permission to feel every emotion that comes through. And so I just wanna I I wanna make sure that you guys understand that anger is a completely normal and human. It is not accepted, especially for like women to be angry. We're really supposed to be like regulated soft and tender, and I'm like No, that's not that's not how that's not especially if you're in the role of a caretaker or something of that nature, you are going to be triggered. Your wounds are gonna be pinged and of the major if I look away, it's just because I'm I'm channeling a lot of information, but ⁓ ⁓ important that you guys understand ⁓ own emotions. And I feel like anger is one of the ones that sort of people think it comes through and then it it ⁓ I'm calm, I've calmed down now. But are you really looking at the actual emotion that you're feeling? What caused it? happened? What did it hit for you? What kind of stare story or narrative or ⁓ belief system did it hit for you? Did it make you feel ⁓ your ⁓ autonomy was a threat threatened? Did it make you feel ⁓ Like I am. Not enough. Did it make you feel guilt? Did it make you feel I think it's it's really important to learn that ⁓ when see anger ⁓ or feel anger ⁓ to that it is not actually the primary emotion. So see a lot of men And this is not like about like stigmatizing gender at all. But I see a lot of men who have ongoing simmering anger. I actually see a lot of moms like that too. And I would say I have had that. And I feel like it was because I have a really long-standing background of ⁓ intending on showing up a certain way and then not being messed not being understood the way that I intended to show up. And that cultivates frustration and anger. But really beneath that is powerlessness, ⁓ A like I'm I'm I try and I do all these things and ⁓ and no one understands. And so you feel like all this like threat to who you are and intention of that be of that moment to that being. ⁓ I feel like this is all over the place a little bit, but ⁓ think it's really important to understand ⁓ anger is not just anger. It's not just like a black and white I'm and then I'm not. It's a whole cascade of emotions that happens. ⁓ So I hope that like inspires you to research it a little bit. ⁓ maybe look into it, maybe just like do a quick search on anger or but but the tools that I want to offer you when you do get angry. ⁓ and however that looks for you. Some people are afraid to exp express anger. Some there's a lot of ⁓ women who I coach who are afraid to voice their anger. And just like every other emotion, if you do not learn to express your emotions, your body will clock all the experiences and keep that score for you, and eventually it will come out. Whether it's through resentment and another emotion or Whether it's through like physical physical illness or energetic blocks, stagnation in the body. the couple tools that I wanted to offer for when feel triggered and ⁓ and specifically, is to ask, what what what am I actually what just happened ⁓ to cause to do that? Like so what's the trigger? ⁓ And what do I actually feel? I feel angry in the moment, but what is beneath that? I feel hurt, pain. I think I did I not mention that? That's like a main secondary, ⁓ main emotion. Hurt, pain, pain. I I feel afraid. For me, that's a huge one. For me, ⁓ when feel afraid, like my child does something that's like wildly dangerous or if I have like core fears that are triggered. It can come out as anger. So identifying what is actually beneath the masking emotion of anger, what is the true emotion? then, ⁓ know, if you're willing and able, write it down. Write about it. What does this mean for me? Like what actually happened? ⁓ ⁓ to track the wound? So what is this like what is this reminding me of? There's like usually like a dominant wound that it's ⁓ Try to track the wound, and then obviously nervous system regulation. I am a huge fan of vagus nerve stimulation, so breath ⁓ and then your is super slow at eight eight seconds or more, and it's like a resistance, like like you're going through a straw. So, like resistance in your lips. You guys. Try to hold the inhale and then a longer exhale. I'm telling you, and I'm gonna do a whole separate episode on nervous system regulation and breath work, but breath work has ⁓ saved my life in season of insanity ⁓ and trauma that I have going on. ⁓ And it will it will save yours. Nervous system regulation. If you can just take five minutes, even better, put your legs up the wall so like where your where your head belongs on your bed. This is so random. Where your head belongs on your bed. S put your feet up that wall. Like so that your head is laying towards the end of the bed and your feet are where your pillows would be and they're like up the wall. You know, like that. do some deep breathing ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ other layer of that vagus nerve stimulation stimulation is when you're doing that, look up and to the right, up to the right while you're doing that deep breathing until you yawn ⁓ or some sort of release and then do the other side as well. Those that will literally engage your sympathetic nervous I mean yeah, ⁓ to ⁓ Bring everything back to center and you wanna make sure ⁓ I mean for the people around you, you wanna make sure ⁓ it is regulated to to like return to the situation, the scene, the person, the the conversation. I mean it's completely okay to take a break from a conversation. That is emotional communication, like good emotional com communication, emotional intelligence, is to know when you're dysregulated. Tell the person I need to take a break and go and regulate yourself. And the quickest way you can do that is through naming the emotion to yourself and finding your breath. Your breath is your anchor and it will always save you every time. So, ⁓ I hope that inspires you to look into anger more. It is such an interesting emotion. I might be alone there in the like interesting part, but it's interesting to me because I I've had to it's been a big player in my nervous system. Like, you know, resentment and anger and but it's really fear for me. And so I I know that I'm not alone in that. And I know that there's some somebody watching here that is going to inspire them to look into that further for themselves and just know that every emotion has a purpose and the meaning that we put to it is typically not immediately correct. It's usually attracted to a wound or a belief system or some sort of threat to autonomy agency. ⁓ your power, your personal power, in pain and hurt. ⁓ ⁓ hope that ⁓ helped you. ⁓ is okay to feel. ⁓ just important that you regulate ⁓ understand it ⁓ that the next time it comes through you are familiar with it. I hope that helps and I will be on soon to I'm gonna talk more about other emotions, but I just wanted to to share that with you guys. I hope it helps someone talk to you soon.