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Habits aren't the problem. Identity is · #BeMoreLobster

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not bad habits that keep us stuck.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's old, outdated identities.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: So when you focus only on changing the habit, changing the action, you rely heavily on willpower, which is really mentally and emotionally draining.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: So today, I would like to offer you a different perspective, which I hope will allow you to show yourself way more love and acceptance if you've been struggling to make a change or create a result in your life and you haven't managed it yet.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready, let's dive right in.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want to start with giving you some examples.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: This makes a bit more sense.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: So when I was coaching predominantly small business owners several years ago, the common, the most common blocks to their success was always about identity.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody that they thought they weren't, or somebody that they thought they were that was holding them back from doing the things that they needed to do so they could get the results they wanted to have.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: There were two really common identities here.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: One of them was the woman in corporate, the woman that had come from corporate.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So every week or every month, she knew there was a paycheck.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody had said to her, This is what you're worth, and this is what you have to do to get this money.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So when she came out and she was trying to make money and define her own worth, there was a there was a really big struggle.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: On the other end of the scale, perhaps, is the housewife stay-at-home mum, which is where I found myself, where no one gives us no money to do our 24-hour job.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but for them and for me, it was a case of I didn't feel like who's gonna buy from me, who's who's gonna want me to coach them, who's gonna, you know, all those kind of things in my head because I just thought I've just spent the last few years bringing up children.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, we can definitely show some compassion there.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the thing is, your identity was developed pretty early on in life, and without knowing it, you have been reinforcing it your entire life.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: This identity is a complex collection of thoughts and values, actions, beliefs, emotions, experiences, and they create this somatic shape, this experience of you.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that somatic shape, that that culmination of all of those things informs not just how you experience the world, but also how you act in the world.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the other thing about this that makes it really difficult to change is there is a huge amount of safety and comfort attached to your identity, even if you have results you don't want, because everything is known, everything is predictable.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Therefore, this is this element of certainty.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as a human being, you are wired for safety.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you can extend some more compassion to yourself when you think, like, why can't I do this?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: This should be so much easier.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: We've got identity and we've got this safety issue going on.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So when you try and I'm going to just give you some examples, right?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: But this can go across anything you want to achieve.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: When you try and say, give up smoking or lose weight, make more money in your business, start a new relationship.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: That action, the the change of the habit, the bit where everybody tends to start, and the bit where everybody fails, or nearly everybody fails, that is just the tip of the iceberg.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Having understanding and compassion for how you got here, to this experience, to this result, to this reality that you don't really want anymore.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then understanding that you have complex and unconscious thought and emotional patterns that drive your behavior.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is crucial for your long-term success.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Along with that, is your ability to always extend kindness to yourself on the journey because the journey is hard.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: You are going to be backing up against beliefs and values and experiences that you have had for decades potentially.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to show you now how easy it is to access that different version of yourself right now.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: So we did this in one of my coaching calls recently, and we were just going through some different examples.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So these are super simple, and again, just to provide a way for you to go, oh, I can I can feel this in my body.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want it's not just in my brain, I can feel this in my body.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine you're a small business owner and you are constantly saying to yourself, oh, no one interacts with my social media and no one wants to buy from me, versus the version of you that says, People always want to buy from me, whether they're silent or whether they're interacting.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna give you another example now.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried every diet and they always fail, nothing ever works for me, versus the person that says, I'm really willing to be curious about finding something, creating something that I can make work because this is important to me.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then I've got the final one, I can't give up smoking, I'm too addicted, versus the person that says, I can quit smoking one cigarette at a time.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the reason that I want you to experience those two uh kind of opposite statements is that you will notice that when you go into the more resourceful, the more positive statement, like I can quit smoking one cigarette at a time, or I can find, I can create a diet that works for me, or people always want to buy from me.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can actually feel that version of yourself now.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you close your eyes and gave yourself a few minutes to sit with that statement, you would almost be able to drop into this alter ego and you would be able to see how she stands different to you and how her face looks different to you, and maybe she's wearing something different and she's speaking differently and she's taking different action in her life.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: You get a full experience of the shape that this version of yourself takes on.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what's even more important here is that that version of yourself is not in the future.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: You have just shown yourself that.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You have just bought that version of yourself into the present moment.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You stepped into her possibly in this very moment.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: That means she's not in the future.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: She's here right now.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It is not in the day that you lose that last pound.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is not in the day that one day that the bank account tips over and you make that first hundred K.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is not on the day that you smoke that last cigarette.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the day that you change.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's the day that you get what you wanted because you changed your identity.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so if we wrap this back up, going back to habits and what you wanting to create a different result in your life.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe this result isn't, maybe it's just a new result and you don't actually have any habits associated with it, but the the theory is still the same.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You want to start with your identity, you want to start having awareness of the thoughts and the behaviors that you've unconsciously been driven to.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I call them potholes, like where do you fall down at the same hurdle over and over again?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's creating that?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: So much time we're trying to avoid emotional discomfort.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so a big part of creating life change that lasts is first of all, training yourself to feel safe and secure and um and I don't almost like not broken in the discomfort.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to feel good all the time, it's not going to feel good all the time.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: But we have this way of beating ourselves up to think that it should be easier than that.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: But perhaps the answer is actually it's not about it should be easier, it's just that I need to train myself to feel safe in the discomfort.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's a whole other episode.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope you have found this helpful.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have struggled to make change, there are so many advices that I'd love to give you.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the big one is extend self-compassion.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Really start small, start small and grow consistency.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's the big one.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So many people go that, you know, it's like, you know, go harder, go home.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I hate that saying.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, start my saying is start small, build consistency, because that is how you start to shift your identity.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for being here.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: As always, I extend the comment the invitation to you to come join the Seeking Simplicity Book Club.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: We've just started a new book.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we're reading Jensen Cherrow's You Are a Badass.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we actually start the first call next Wednesday.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll put a link down in the show notes for you to come join us.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's an amazing community of supportive women who are all in for the conversation and the community and the connection, supporting each other and also asking for what they need, asking for support, which I think is important for us all.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I'm definitely going to wrap it all up now.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: So have a great day, and I'll speak to you again in the next episode of the Seeking Simplicity Podcast.