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Mojo Monday - Walking Along Side Our Emotions: Insights from Morita Therapy · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Everyone, It's Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojoe Monday.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So today we're going to talk through some principles of
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Marita therapy that I consider hugely important when we are
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: managing our difficult and painful emotions on a daily basis.
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  Speaker 1: So you and I are very aware that when we
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  Speaker 1: feel intense emotions such as anxiety, fear, nervousness, or when
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  Speaker 1: we're overthinking and our thoughts seem to envelop us to
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  Speaker 1: a point where we feel out of control, the natural
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  Speaker 1: thing to do is try and take control. We want
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  Speaker 1: to be able to be the chief and take control
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  Speaker 1: of our emotions and thoughts and ensure they follow our
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  Speaker 1: instructions so we can stop feeling this way and stop
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: thinking this way and get on with our lives. So
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  Speaker 1: how often do we think, if only I didn't feel
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  Speaker 1: this way, I would be happy, or I would go
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  Speaker 1: and do all the things that I want to do.
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  Speaker 1: But it's these thoughts, on these feelings that are stopping me.
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  Speaker 1: But what we can do is take a different perspective
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  Speaker 1: on this, a different approach. So rather than the control
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  Speaker 1: approach or the control agenda, we can take a step
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  Speaker 1: back and view ourselves from a different perspective, we can
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  Speaker 1: understand ourselves better and we can take control of what
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  Speaker 1: we can control. And in this process, our thoughts and
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  Speaker 1: emotions can be influenced. But the agenda to control our
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  Speaker 1: emotions through sheer will is counterproductive because often they get
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  Speaker 1: worse the more we try, and that is exhausting. So
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about Marita therapy, and if you
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  Speaker 1: are a first time listener, Marita therapy is an approach
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  Speaker 1: that comes from Japan, and I'm a trained Marita therapist
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  Speaker 1: and I talk a lot about Marita therapy in the
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  Speaker 1: context of day to day shear human emotional challenges. And
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk about a principle that Marita called
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  Speaker 1: toroware and it translates to or he translated it to
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  Speaker 1: It has been translated to mental preoccupation. But I also
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  Speaker 1: looked it up and the candy symbols mean prisoner or
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  Speaker 1: to be shackled by and I thought, wow, how relevant
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  Speaker 1: is that? Because how often do we feel like we're
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  Speaker 1: a prisoner of our own emotions or we feel like
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  Speaker 1: we're literally shackled by our thoughts and we can't escape.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that when we feel like this, we
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  Speaker 1: can use the term toroware to describe our state of
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  Speaker 1: mind and our state of body. So when I feel
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  Speaker 1: like this, I'm in a state of to I don't
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  Speaker 1: know about you, but I relate to that more than
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  Speaker 1: using terms or language like overthinking or anxiety or my anxiety.
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  Speaker 1: And I really like the word state because it implies
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  Speaker 1: that it is in this moment, but it's also temporary.
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  Speaker 1: So according to Marita, there are a couple of things
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  Speaker 1: that happen when we are in this state of toro worry,
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  Speaker 1: and as I go through this, relate it to your
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  Speaker 1: own experience and see if it's something that you connect to.
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  Speaker 1: One is that we get into this loop that makes
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  Speaker 1: us feel worse. So we pay too much attention to
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  Speaker 1: symptoms like anxiety or fear or pain, and our mind
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  Speaker 1: jumps ahead with fearful thoughts about what might happen next.
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  Speaker 1: And the more you focus on the discomfort, the worse
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  Speaker 1: it feels, and then that confirms your fears, so you
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  Speaker 1: pay even more attention to it, and then the cycle
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  Speaker 1: keeps going. So this loop is what Marita described as
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  Speaker 1: the cycle we're paying too much attention to how we
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  Speaker 1: feel actually amplifies the suffering. So think of it like this.
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  Speaker 1: I feel anxious. I then focus on the anxiety, and
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  Speaker 1: then I start worrying that it's going to get worse,
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  Speaker 1: and then it does feel worse, and then I feel
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  Speaker 1: more anxious. And you can imagine this in one of
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  Speaker 1: those circular diagrams. And what this does is it keeps
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  Speaker 1: the symptoms alive, not because of the perceived problem, not
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  Speaker 1: because the problem is getting worse, but because your mind
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  Speaker 1: is feeding the pain or the anxiety that's causing this.
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  Speaker 1: The second part of torawero is this, there is often
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  Speaker 1: a gap between how you think life should be and
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  Speaker 1: how it actually is. There's this inner tension between how
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  Speaker 1: you feel when your expectations don't meet mat reality. And
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  Speaker 1: I catch myself doing this all the time, and I
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  Speaker 1: think that's important because it's very natural that we feel
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  Speaker 1: like this. It's very natural that we have this ideal
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  Speaker 1: that how we would like things to be. But the
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  Speaker 1: important thing is that we're aware of it, and we
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  Speaker 1: are aware of the effect that's having on our well being. So,
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  Speaker 1: for example, things like I should be over this by now,
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  Speaker 1: I shouldn't feel this way, my life should feel different,
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  Speaker 1: you know. An example, just a daily example, is that
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  Speaker 1: if you are in a hurry and you get stuck
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  Speaker 1: behind a slow driver. I mean, there's definitely a gap
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  Speaker 1: between the ideal over how you would like things to
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  Speaker 1: be and the reality of the situation. And the thing
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  Speaker 1: is is these beliefs can be really sticky, and they
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  Speaker 1: can create this emotional tension. We suffer not just from
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  Speaker 1: what is, but also from what isn't. It's from this
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  Speaker 1: gap between our ideal and the reality. And this is
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  Speaker 1: what they call shiz or no mujon. It's the internal
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  Speaker 1: contradiction between how we think things should be and how
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  Speaker 1: they actually are. And these kinds of thoughts can create
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  Speaker 1: so much suffering. They argue with the truth of what
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  Speaker 1: is happening, and then instead of helping you change, they
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  Speaker 1: pull you into this self defeating state of frustration or
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  Speaker 1: self criticism or hopelessness or blame. And then what tends
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  Speaker 1: to happen is we go into avoidance mode. So we
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  Speaker 1: try and fix or control how we feel by avoidance
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  Speaker 1: strategies like drinking, scrolling on social media to numb the feeling.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe we avoid social situations, or maybe we try and
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  Speaker 1: just reassure ourselves that everything is okay and that we
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  Speaker 1: are okay, and these efforts to fix or control it
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  Speaker 1: inner world are what is called hakarai. So how all
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  Speaker 1: this work that we put into managing or manipulating our feelings.
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  Speaker 1: It usually backfires, especially in the long term. Sometimes it
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  Speaker 1: works in the short term, but long term it usually
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  Speaker 1: everything just comes up again. You know. They keep us
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  Speaker 1: stuck in this same painful loop, feeding the very distress
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  Speaker 1: that we're trying to escape. So let me give you
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  Speaker 1: an example to pull this all together. So let's say
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  Speaker 1: someone gets turned down for a job. They feel sad,
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  Speaker 1: which is understandable. It's very disappointing if your dream job
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  Speaker 1: you suddenly get to the you know, maybe the top
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  Speaker 1: three candidates, and you get rejected. So they start to
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  Speaker 1: focus too much on their sadness and they think, well,
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  Speaker 1: I should be happy, I shouldn't feel like this, and
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  Speaker 1: so they start searching for quick fixes or distractions to
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  Speaker 1: make themselves feel better, but nothing works, and then the
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  Speaker 1: sadness grows, and then they start believing something's wrong with them.
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  Speaker 1: So this is tora ware, being trapped in a state
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  Speaker 1: of mental preoccupation and suffering. So what is the solution?
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  Speaker 1: I hear you ask, well, in my reader, therapy. There
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  Speaker 1: is a beautiful term that some of you heard before
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  Speaker 1: because Paul and I talk about it all the time,
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  Speaker 1: and that is a term called arrogamama. And this describes
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  Speaker 1: a different state where you allow yourself to feel your
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  Speaker 1: internal experience, your emotions, your thoughts, your sensations, your memories,
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  Speaker 1: all the internal stuff without needing to fight them or
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  Speaker 1: change them or make them mean something about who you are.
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  Speaker 1: And it's not really a technique or a strategy. It's
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  Speaker 1: not a mindset like acceptance, where the opposite might be
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  Speaker 1: non acceptance. Instead, arrogamama is more like a way of
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  Speaker 1: being where you walk alongside your emotional that emotional part
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  Speaker 1: of you, without adding layers of judgment or control or
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  Speaker 1: resistance while you live a purpose driven life. So let's
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  Speaker 1: say you're sad in arrogamama. The sadness is there, but
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  Speaker 1: you don't deny it, you don't obsess over it, you
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  Speaker 1: don't try and get rid of it or make it
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  Speaker 1: mean something is wrong with you. You're not doing anything
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  Speaker 1: to the sadness. You're just letting it be a part
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  Speaker 1: of the landscape of what makes you you in that
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  Speaker 1: moment while you keep living your life. So there's an
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  Speaker 1: action part to it. So over time this way of being,
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  Speaker 1: it softens the grip of your internal world that this
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  Speaker 1: internal world has on you, not by fixing or suppressing anything,
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  Speaker 1: but by restoring your ability to live with a full
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  Speaker 1: range of human emotions and a full range of human experience.
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  Speaker 1: So you're not waiting to feel better before you move,
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  Speaker 1: before you take action. You're acting in spite of it.
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  Speaker 1: So this is very different from resisting or denying or
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  Speaker 1: over analyzing how you feel. It's the opposite of being
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  Speaker 1: caught in torore, which is the stuck state where we
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  Speaker 1: fix sate on how we feel and we try to
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  Speaker 1: control it and spiral into more suffering. So do you
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  Speaker 1: know what I love about this is it changes our
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  Speaker 1: perspective of our inner experience. You know, we live in
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  Speaker 1: a culture that fixates on feelings. We talk about my
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  Speaker 1: anxiety or like it's part of our identity, and we're
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  Speaker 1: flooded with content about how to manage your master our emotions.
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  Speaker 1: But Marita flips that on its head. It says, let
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  Speaker 1: your emotions be, shift your attention to what needs doing.
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  Speaker 1: Focus on your feet, not your feelings. So focus on
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  Speaker 1: moving on doing, not your feelings, and this has been
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  Speaker 1: a game changer for me. This is like, I am
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  Speaker 1: somebody who has spent years in a constant state of
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  Speaker 1: toro ware, and I also spent years searching for solutions,
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  Speaker 1: searching for answers to be able to control my emotions
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  Speaker 1: and control my thoughts. And when I was introduced to
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  Speaker 1: Marita therapy, it was like a lightbulb moment for me,
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  Speaker 1: and it was a huge relief that I could just
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  Speaker 1: stop struggling. But in saying that, it's not easy either.
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  Speaker 1: But what it is, what it means is that even
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  Speaker 1: when these emotions and thoughts show up, which for me
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  Speaker 1: they do, they keep showing up. I've changed my relationship
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  Speaker 1: with them and they don't stop me. Now. They don't
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  Speaker 1: stop me from challenging myself. They don't stop me from
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  Speaker 1: taking risks, they don't stop me from finding joy in living.
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  Speaker 1: So it's been a massive game changer for me personally.
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  Speaker 1: And there's a beautiful metaphor that the Japanese often refer to,
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  Speaker 1: and I really hope my interpretation does it justice. So
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  Speaker 1: we are like a river continually flowing, and when an
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  Speaker 1: obstacle comes along that's in the way of the flow.
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  Speaker 1: The water doesn't stop or try and remove the obstacle.
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  Speaker 1: It flows around it, over it, through it, and by
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  Speaker 1: continually flowing the path of the river forever changes. It
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  Speaker 1: carves out new paths. And if the water is caught
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  Speaker 1: and becomes stagnant, what happens. It becomes murky, it gets
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  Speaker 1: filled with mosquitoes, and it starts to get stale. So
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  Speaker 1: compare this to our lives. If we stop because we're challenged,
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  Speaker 1: if we stop because of how we feel, we can
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  Speaker 1: become stagnant. If we can keep moving forward whatever that
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  Speaker 1: is in your capacity, you will carve out new paths
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  Speaker 1: and you will keep moving in the direction of the
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  Speaker 1: life you want. So rogamama allows life to flow. We
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  Speaker 1: can choose to focus our life force, our energy towards
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  Speaker 1: what matters, even when emotions are heavy. So if you
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  Speaker 1: are feeling stuck this week, if you are entangled up
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  Speaker 1: in these thoughts and emotions, if you are exhausted, try this.
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  Speaker 1: Don't try and fix it, don't try to outthink it,
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  Speaker 1: don't give into it either. Ask yourself with things as
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  Speaker 1: they are, what needs doing right now. Then go and
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  Speaker 1: do that with your emotions in to let them be
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  Speaker 1: the rock in the river that you flow through because
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  Speaker 1: you are not your anxiety, you are not your sadness.
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  Speaker 1: You are a river, and that's what you need to do.
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  Speaker 1: You need to keep flowing. So I hope that has
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  Speaker 1: been valuable. I'm very passionate about this stuff. It has
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  Speaker 1: been hugely valuable for me and for my clients, and
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  Speaker 1: I do hope that this episode has been valuable for
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  Speaker 1: you too. So have a great week everyone, and I'll
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  Speaker 1: catch you next week. See you