Latest / THE PERIOD WHISPERER PODCAST - Perimenopause, Menopause, Cortisol, Weight Loss, Hormone Balancing, Insomnia, Hot Flashes, Night Sweats, Libido, Your Guide To Thriving In MidLife / Eps 460: Why Perimenopause Can Be Your Golden Era, Not Your Breakdown with JJ Flizanes

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Eps 460: Why Perimenopause Can Be Your Golden Era, Not Your Breakdown with JJ Flizanes · THE PERIOD WHISPERER PODCAST - Perimenopause, Menopause, Cortisol, Weight Loss, Hormone Balancing, Insomnia, Hot Flashes, Night Sweats, Libido, Your Guide To Thriving In MidLife

0:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I started my podcast to try to save my marriage.
0:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So ladies, please stop trying to tell your spouse or partner what to do.
0:07
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not because you're not smart, it's not because they don't respect you.
0:09
[SPEAKER_01]: It's because you're not supposed to be the trainer.
0:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not supposed to be the mother.
0:12
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not supposed to be the therapist.
0:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You're stage of life where you're going through menopause and entering a menopause is and could be what's considered your queen stage.
0:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Many have no problem when they move into their king stage, but for women it's different because we're also not taught to get our needs.
0:29
[SPEAKER_01]: You have 86 basic human needs and if they're not getting met, it's no one else's job to get them at but you.
0:40
[SPEAKER_00]: What's up, Sister?
0:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the period whisperer podcast.
0:43
[SPEAKER_00]: The show, helping pairing menopause and menopause women destress your body and decode what it's saying to you so you can own your own health, energy, and weight loss again.
0:53
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're new, I'm so happy you're here.
0:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm Greya, I'm your host, a recovery people pleaser and hustlatic, turn functional and holistic hormones specialist.
1:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's lean in and learn what your body is saying to you.
1:08
[SPEAKER_00]: their sisters welcome back to the period with spurred podcast the place where we discuss all things about your hormones, about listening to the messages of your body, about how to put together the puzzle pieces of your health so that you can feel vital and not just like you are surviving.
1:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, sisters, what if one of the biggest opportunities and Perry menopause isn't just learning how to navigate your changing hormones, but learning how to better understand yourself?
1:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Because this season, and I don't need to tell this to you, I know you already know it has a real way of turning up the volume, the stress, the triggers, the resentment, the rage, the relationships, the patterns we've been carrying, and that's exactly what we're going to dig into today.
1:52
[SPEAKER_00]: JJ is an empowerment strategist of best-selling author and podcast host who helps people uncover the emotional roots of chronic stress and move beyond simply coping with it.
2:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Through her core wound map framework, she combines nervous system regulation, emotional healing, and the science of epigenetics.
2:08
[SPEAKER_00]: to help people understand why they react, the way they do, and how to actually change these patterns.
2:15
[SPEAKER_00]: So today we're talking about triggers.
2:16
[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking with the stories we create in our head.
2:19
[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about all of these pieces in how to regulate that nervous system, and why it matters so much, especially in perimenopause, which may actually be an incredible invitation to know yourself better.
2:31
[SPEAKER_00]: So JJ, welcome to the period with spur of podcast.
2:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, Priya.
2:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm excited to be here.
2:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'm so excited to have you even in just our short few minutes before this.
2:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, Oh, this is going to be juicy.
2:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I love this topic.
2:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Everything about women's health and transition and emotionally healing.
2:48
[SPEAKER_01]: How did you come to love it?
2:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's start there.
2:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I started my podcast to save my marriage to try to save my marriage and through that I had a front receipt to I have to grow I have to learn I am going to do everything I possibly can to understand what's going on and to see what I can do to make it better because we both came into the marriage wanting it to last of course and wanting it to be the best that we could be so I trusted the impulse and I trusted that I was in a good place that I was happier than I ever was.
3:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Recently, a friend had said to me that she asked her husband for divorce, and then I went into fix it mode and I stopped and went hold on, why did you marry him?
3:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And then when I heard the story, because I'd like to in the future help women, but determine if they married the person for the right reasons, if they were in a good emotional state, because otherwise, if you were doing it as a coping mechanism, then maybe not worth saving.
3:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe this was a detour on your healing path.
3:39
[SPEAKER_01]: But for me, I wasn't in the best place.
3:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I could have possibly been.
3:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't need a partner.
3:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I was so happy.
3:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I was getting all my needs
3:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I attracted my ex husband and who's not, yes, it is.
3:48
[SPEAKER_01]: But so I started the show because I also knew that he wouldn't listen to me.
3:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So ladies, please stop trying to tell your spouse or partner what to do.
3:56
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't listen to you.
3:57
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not because you're not smart, it's not because they don't respect you.
3:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's because you're not supposed to be the trainer.
4:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not supposed to be the mother.
4:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Your not supposed to be the therapist.
4:04
[SPEAKER_01]: So I knew that.
4:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So I thought, let me sort of show where I'm going to bring on people that I've learned from and people that I value what they have to share so that he can listen to them.
4:14
[SPEAKER_01]: say the work instead of me saying it worked for a little while and definitely all of my efforts did produce results, but they weren't sustainable results because I didn't have someone who was bought into the idea, truly bought into the idea that you have to work on some
4:29
[SPEAKER_01]: of those emotional wounds in order for you to expand into the life that you want and that I can't do it for you.
4:35
[SPEAKER_01]: You have to do it together or you have to do it period.
4:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I can help be here and support it and I was digging into my wounds.
4:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's just make that clear.
4:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not like one person had wounds.
4:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Everybody has wounds.
4:43
[SPEAKER_01]: We all have wounds.
4:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And we attract.
4:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So the Mago therapy is where I started.
4:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I used the Amago therapy framework for core wounds, created by Harble Hendrix and Helen Kelly Hunt, most of Harble.
4:54
[SPEAKER_01]: But anyway, the core wound
4:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Theory, if you will, of amago therapy is that you choose your partners to heal the wounds of your past, period and of story.
5:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, that is something I can get behind, and I also believe in every area of our life.
5:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I believe that you incarnated, you chose your parents for your body, or you chose everything as a contract, before that you got here, and everything you invite into your experience is either an attraction or a soul contract.
5:19
[SPEAKER_01]: So we are constantly living in a space where we get to see what we believe, we get to see what our energy is attracting.
5:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And if we don't like it, guess what?
5:28
[SPEAKER_01]: We get to do something about it.
5:29
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not a victim.
5:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not by chance.
5:32
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not an accident.
5:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And it puts it at a framework of that you can be empowered to do something about it.
5:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So I started the show and I went through it, but in terms of like women and uncovering what makes us tick and why
5:44
[SPEAKER_01]: and how to heal people.
5:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, the whole journey before that I was a personal trainer and so healing and physicality and the science of the body was something I studied for 25 years.
5:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I was best personal trainer Los Angeles for 2007 by elite traveler magazine.
5:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I have some credentials in that area, but I always wanted to go deeper underneath the surface.
6:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Because the question was always, well, why do you want to look better or why do you want to work out or why do you want to lose weight?
6:07
[SPEAKER_01]: It was never that lets value our looks as part of self-worth.
6:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I hated that.
6:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I hated that part of the fitness industry.
6:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, no, no, no, no, no.
6:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And I always could feel like there were two ways of doing, I guess anything, but let's say self care.
6:21
[SPEAKER_01]: There was self-care because you actually didn't love yourself and you were performing for love and wanted to be look a certain way to get love in attention, which never set well with me.
6:29
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not the right energy to be doing any of this.
6:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Or you do it because you love yourself.
6:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you have an abandonment when you have to do it for yourself because it's the way you heal the abandonment wound by actually not self-abandoning and taking care of yourself.
6:43
[SPEAKER_01]: So wrap that all in a big bow and I've done everything and everything I've created has been out of the passion of wanting to give people their power back.
6:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And yes, I'm it's going to be hard, but so is not having it and so is being sick and so is being hurt and upset and lonely.
6:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So choose your heart.
7:00
[SPEAKER_01]: You understand if you're disciplined, you want to work out so that you look better or feel better or stronger and that's not going to be comfortable, right?
7:06
[SPEAKER_01]: So choose your heart and let's get to it.
7:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Totally.
7:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that.
7:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I love your passion for it.
7:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I think everyone listening can just like hear it or see it.
7:14
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're watching us on YouTube, you're just Experiencing this.
7:17
[SPEAKER_00]: So I can see why you're so good at what you do JJ and I'm really excited to get into this with you.
7:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So We're obviously like everyone listening to this podcast is pretty much going to be a woman like going through the hormonal Shifting years where they're adding and what's going on is going to be different.
7:31
[SPEAKER_00]: But what I see is a practitioner and what I've experienced in my own midlife is really
7:37
[SPEAKER_00]: the some of these I think the awareness of discomfort of things we wish we had done differently are you starting to recognize I think your own patterns that are now repeating themselves and maybe even you're just I think women are often feeling like I can't keep going like this.
7:53
[SPEAKER_00]: What happens when hormonal changes collide with a nervous system that is carrying decades of accumulated stress or emotional patterns, baggage, you know, traumas, like you were saying everybody has things, everyone has all the things, like unmet needs, unresolved wounds, I think is what you said.
8:10
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you see women struggling with most during this stage and like why do our hormones play a role in this?
8:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, let's take a couple different frameworks.
8:19
[SPEAKER_01]: There's the first that in our evolution and in our aging process, women just like men go through different stages.
8:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And your stage of life where you're going through menopause and entering a menopause is and could be and should be.
8:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And I hate using that word, but let me put quotes around it.
8:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Should be what's considered your queen stage.
8:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So as women as nurturers, we take care of everybody else and a lot of people take care of everyone else first and always and that's going to come back and bite you in the ass.
8:47
[SPEAKER_01]: In fact, the root emotional energy underneath breast cancer is being sucked dry because you've given to everyone else except yourself.
8:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And that is not a physical, that is an emotional, that is an energetic balance that women don't learn easily because it doesn't have models for it.
9:08
[SPEAKER_01]: We have models of overgiving, over nurturing, putting ourselves last.
9:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when you get to mid-life, now your body is telling you, it's giving you a sign, and you have to listen.
9:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Or you don't, and then you, whatever, you end up with something that's screaming at you instead of the body's whispering, and then if we start stopping, listening to the whisperer, then it starts to scream, and then until it takes you down, and that is a gift, it's trying to tell you something, and we're not taught to listen.
9:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So we have like, we're getting to the queen stage of like, I'm in the age of where I have more wisdom, and I, I want to enjoy my life, give away my body, my life is asking me to claim my power, my brilliance,
9:48
[SPEAKER_01]: don't know how to do that.
9:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we're in a dysfunction of our own energy of valuing ourselves of, you know, if we look at shocker as it's your sacred shocker, your sacred shocker is where your womb and most women are think that their womb is just about producing children.
10:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not, it's your creativity, it's your power and women aren't taught to have power.
10:08
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not taught to let their light shine.
10:10
[SPEAKER_01]: They're taught to
10:12
[SPEAKER_01]: bend and twist and turn so someone likes me or accepts me or doesn't upset me or doesn't hurt me.
10:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And so here I am and I'm not living my truth, even though you may not know that, but your body wants to lead you down a path to reclaim that.
10:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So again, it's to me like we're cutting off the power source of who we are at the time of life when you want to express it the most.
10:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Many have no problem when they move into their king stage.
10:35
[SPEAKER_01]: They have earned it, they have built the castle, they have built the community, and they can more easily because they don't have the same kind of, I mean, they have it in different ways.
10:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Men can go through Andropauses, which is male version of menopause, of course.
10:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And definitely, I'm not saying that they don't have issues.
10:49
[SPEAKER_01]: But for women, it's different because we do give life.
10:52
[SPEAKER_01]: We do, we can birth, and we have so much going on.
10:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think on one framework, we're looking at the now-or-in-queen stage.
10:58
[SPEAKER_01]: On the second framework, we're looking at, well, what was your purpose?
11:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And even though for a lot of women being a mom is a great purpose, but it isn't your only purpose.
11:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it happens when your kids move out of the house.
11:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And then now they're on their own.
11:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And now you're going, what do I do with myself?
11:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Who am I?
11:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I don't know who I am without being a mom full time.
11:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what my purpose is.
11:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what lights me up on.
11:18
[SPEAKER_01]: It was my children like me up.
11:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, now my children don't need me as much.
11:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Now what do I do with my time?
11:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're at a crisis.
11:24
[SPEAKER_01]: identity.
11:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And that, again, is not a place where the body is going to be settled or at peace, because we don't know what to do with ourselves.
11:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, and then the third is that we're also not taught how to process emotions or to get our needs met.
11:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So we, most women don't even think they should have needs.
11:40
[SPEAKER_01]: They're like, what do you mean?
11:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I have needs.
11:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
11:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You have needs and we're going to talk about that later in the show.
11:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure, so that you can understand that you have 86 basic human needs.
11:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And if they're not getting met, it's no one else's job to get them met, but you
11:53
[SPEAKER_01]: You've never learned how to prioritize them.
11:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And so again, the culmination of all these things is a lot of repressed emotion that gets stored in the body.
12:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And then comes out and creates disease in some way, it creates imbalance, it creates uneven periods, it creates cramps, it creates cancer, it creates whatever fibroids.
12:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And I've had those twice.
12:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So I understand from personal experience what it's like to block your creativity.
12:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Even when you think, I mean, when I was with my assessment, I thought,
12:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, sexual expression definitely was repressed.
12:23
[SPEAKER_01]: But in terms of my creative, I thought, well, I'm creative.
12:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not an entrepreneur.
12:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I create things with podcasts.
12:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I talk about whatever I want to.
12:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And it wasn't until after I was out of that situation that I realized I was repressing myself because I was too afraid to be who I was because I was afraid he'd leave me.
12:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So I only grew as far as I thought he'd handle.
12:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, I didn't see that while I was in it, but I didn't know it.
12:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And then when I got out of it, and I was like, oh my God.
12:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I was repressing myself.
12:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So there was a lot of repressed energy that got created into little non-cancerous tumors called fibroids.
12:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's where all of these things intersect and the body is crying out for you to release, to surrender, to adorn, to air for yourself, understand yourself.
13:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to know who you are, why you're here and what you're doing moving forward and to claim your power that you've probably given away from most of your life.
13:15
[SPEAKER_00]: So what you're saying, and I agree with you, what I hear you saying is that there's kind of like a gift around Perry menopause and menopause that is going to irritate you and turn these whispers into screens so that you have a choice now to do something about it and kind of free yourself.
13:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you don't or part of the symptoms even that we're having is a lot of this again, this repressed energy that we're having or this blocked or these wounds that we haven't dealt with or just forcing ourselves to live out of integrity with the needs of our body.
13:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I get that.
13:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
13:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
13:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I really appreciate because in my previous marriage it was the same.
13:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm very aware now that when I look back that I am an entirely different person now like I kept myself very small to not Cause issues and that was that felt like the boundaries that I had of my life don't be too loud don't be to this don't be too much don't be everything so I walked around in my little vanilla lane.
14:07
[SPEAKER_00]: and until I couldn't walk around in that lane anymore.
14:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And my body broke down in the process.
14:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So this is what you help women with.
14:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, well, because we have to identify.
14:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, there's no mistake.
14:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, although I've had younger clients who've come to me and have asked, you know, what's why did you want to coach?
14:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And they said, because you sound happy.
14:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know anybody who's happy.
14:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, OK, that's good.
14:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So I actually believe that you're a happy person.
14:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know, and I haven't really met too many of those people.
14:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So
14:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And because I get to earn as you do, too, you get to earn the no-let and trust the people who listen to you because as I grow, I share it on the show.
14:39
[SPEAKER_01]: People here and watch me grow.
14:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Versus you go to a therapist and you don't know what they've experienced, you don't know that they would take their own advice out in real life.
14:46
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't know what the hurdles they've had overcome, because that's not the way therapy set up.
14:50
[SPEAKER_01]: right, they're clinical.
14:51
[SPEAKER_01]: They're distant.
14:52
[SPEAKER_01]: They're, you don't get to know who they are and you're not supposed to.
14:55
[SPEAKER_01]: It legally, right?
14:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, when it comes to being an example of underlaving my life and every time I hit a new roadblock or opportunity, I share it.
15:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And I want people and I'm completely transparent and vulnerable.
15:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Most of the time, the only boundaries I have is protecting other people.
15:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't talk about other people, you know, the best of my ability without them knowing and sharing secrets that I shouldn't.
15:16
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think the value in that is to show people that we're all going through,
15:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And the track that I think we're all on is that we're called here to grow and expand and there are times where and just like with the door people say well I don't want to be heard so I'm going to close my heart will that also has consequences and people think well I'm going to protect myself well you can't really you can protect yourself but you also then shut out the things you're looking for and searching for you want deep emotional connections with people you want to feel vibrant in a live you can't close the door and say I'm going to protect myself and feel those things.
15:46
[SPEAKER_01]: we have to learn how to be vulnerable.
15:47
[SPEAKER_01]: We have to learn to allow to express ourselves and to accept ourselves and to know and not to be so afraid of the breakdown.
15:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Because without the breakdown, you don't get the breakthrough.
15:57
[SPEAKER_01]: That's very true.
15:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And the breakthrough is the good juicy part.
16:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Yep, it's part that we want.
16:02
[SPEAKER_00]: If everyone listening, like if we can all agree that
16:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Things are going to come up through Perry menopause, and obviously like our hormones fluctuating, you're going to make things, I think, more irritable or more like maybe extra sensitive, and maybe that is part of that gift.
16:15
[SPEAKER_00]: But we have things we need to deal with.
16:16
[SPEAKER_00]: We have things that we've repressed.
16:18
[SPEAKER_00]: We have wounds that need to be that if not attended or going to make our health worse in the next second half of our life.
16:25
[SPEAKER_00]: knowing that we're extra sensitive with the hormonal shifts, how can a woman distinguish between a situation that genuinely needs to change and really like an old wound or interpretation that's being activated, right?
16:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Where it's something that meaning like, if you were talking about like someone, maybe saying like, I am so annoyed I want to get out of this marriage.
16:48
[SPEAKER_00]: For example, let me see if this example,
16:50
[SPEAKER_00]: How do we know the difference between like, okay, I should probably work on this old shit of mine, you know, and maybe you can work on your old shit and maybe it could help or this is just not where we should be.
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So how I start people with this exercise and everybody can get this exercise.
17:06
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a download it's free and I'll tell you where to get it.
17:08
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not on our website.
17:09
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't find it without me telling you exactly where to go because it's not a paid thing.
17:13
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's behind a wall because I want to make sure that you're only downloading it when you know what to do with it.
17:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Otherwise people downloading it and not knowing what to do with it doesn't help anybody.
17:20
[SPEAKER_01]: So how I start some people out when they don't know what's going on or how to identify what's up for them is to first print the feelings and needs list.
17:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So this piece of paper that I'm holding up does matter if you're not watching this is divided into two parts.
17:33
[SPEAKER_01]: The top is the feelings and there are a hundred different feeling words and then the bottom are your needs.
17:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So before I teach you the three steps to unravel messy emotional situations, let's just go back to the assessment piece of how I use this, which is to print the page many of them.
17:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And you just start with no context, just sit, breathe, meditate, get grounded.
17:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And then open your eyes, take a look at the needs list and circle any need that is currently not being met that you would like to get met.
18:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're not attacking any situation, any person, we're not there's no context.
18:08
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just overall general in my life right now.
18:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'll read off some of them.
18:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So some of you didn't do read off the week.
18:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
18:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
18:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
18:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
18:15
[SPEAKER_01]: So they're divided into categories of meaning, autonomy, authenticity, connection, physical, play, community, and peace.
18:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'll just read a few for me to category.
18:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So acknowledgment, awareness, beauty, celebration, clarity, freedom, creativity, honesty, to be seen and heard.
18:37
[SPEAKER_01]: to be known and to know, compassion, consideration, intimacy, sexual expression, rest.
18:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, say, rest, I chose that one out of physical, because I could tell you right now, most people just need some rest, and women especially don't get rest, and they don't value rest, and then they can't sleep, and then they take whatever.
18:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So we don't value rest, or we value it for certain recovery, things for our health, but we don't think of rest, and I'll even put in here space.
19:03
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're someone who's attending to everyone else from no space, you've no space to process your emotions, you've no space to feel your emotions, you've no space to be present with yourself because you're constantly putting out fires, which is an addiction, by the way, all right.
19:14
[SPEAKER_01]: So we've got touch, laughter, fun, joy.
19:19
[SPEAKER_01]: support, collaboration, ease, flow.
19:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So out of this 85 basic communities, I start off with women and they, you know, they're anxious, they're not sleeping, they're depressed, whatever.
19:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And then they circle like half of them or more than half of them.
19:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So it gives you a roadmap of where to start.
19:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So okay, now, how do we get our needs met?
19:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And that can be the next part of the conversation, but I would have them assess
19:42
[SPEAKER_01]: because then that way because you may have a situation that you're taking out of context, it really is.
19:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'll give an example of a client who she deals with a lot of things.
19:52
[SPEAKER_01]: She's got a really, really hard job.
19:53
[SPEAKER_01]: She's taking care of her mother and she basically is the person who does everything.
19:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And no one else really helps and she doesn't ask for help and she feels like she should be perfect and get it all done.
20:03
[SPEAKER_01]: right, but she started her body starting to crash because of that.
20:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And so yesterday, the other day, she noticed the pattern.
20:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And the pattern was when she actually like allowed herself to be present and to feel her feelings, she was repressing anger all the time.
20:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, well, can you find a place to go allow that?
20:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Like go in your car, scream, cry, whatever.
20:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So she did and then once it released, then she realized why and we got to the sort of the root because the emotion can color what a real need is you may have a need for rest or space.
20:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Have another client who just started doing it through my program with me and she wants to fix all these emotional things, but she had her mom like house full of 10 people.
20:42
[SPEAKER_01]: doesn't have her own space.
20:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Her mother's work, like she can't even, like people pass over bedroom in the morning or at night and make her up.
20:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I'm like, wait a minute, pause.
20:50
[SPEAKER_01]: You have zero space.
20:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Your nervous system is never going to be calm in that environment until we find a way for you to have space.
20:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So these needs, once they start to get met, will take care of a lot of situations that you might frustrate you.
21:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And so rather than go straight into here's the situation, which we can do also, let's go to the bigger underneath foundation of your nervous systems regulation in the first place.
21:15
[SPEAKER_01]: If you have more than like five or six of these checked off, you're probably in the state of fighter flight a lot of the time.
21:21
[SPEAKER_01]: So we have to figure out how to get your needs met.
21:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So we can calm you down.
21:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So you can trust in your ability to get your needs met and your nervousness
21:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And now we can deal with them with stuff.
21:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
21:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And all of the other stuff, right?
21:32
[SPEAKER_00]: We were talking very briefly beforehand about, I mean, you cannot heal if your nervous system is jacked and stuck in the sympathetic all the time.
21:40
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like even before we can do work on the gotten the hormones and the adrenals and the thyroid and parry menopause and the menopause, we really need to deal with that nervous system and be able to change the channel into parasympathetic and back.
21:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, our body is designed to heal itself.
21:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, when it comes to hormones, I believe that balancing your hormones, supplementing your hormones, doing it ever, whether it be food or biomedical hormones or whatever acupuncture herbs, whatever you're doing, to balance your hormones, definitely will affect your mood, right?
22:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying that your hormones don't affect your mood, but...
22:12
[SPEAKER_01]: What's going to happen is if you're someone who deals with your emotional stuff, then it's going to be an easier time to do that and your physical effects won't be as dramatic as someone who represses everything and now your body's literally screaming at you.
22:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I'll tell you even in the recent like 30 days, I've had a whole system reset around sex with my partner, with my fiance, and it's changed my hormones already.
22:35
[SPEAKER_01]: It like so clearly.
22:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Because now there's not a charge anymore, there's not a fear, there's not a gripping, there's not a tightness, it's now open, it's now relaxed, it's now like both of our nervous systems have like come down another notch in terms of just how we move through life.
22:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Generally we're happy, successful people normally, but like there are certain subjects where you get tense or tight or you hold or you repress or you ignore.
22:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And I stopped ignoring it and I saw a change in my hormones instantly.
23:03
[SPEAKER_01]: how did you stop ignoring it?
23:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, there was a rupture.
23:07
[SPEAKER_01]: There was a break.
23:07
[SPEAKER_01]: The break was a conversation and I will refer everyone who wants to hear this and more detail because we will not have time to go over all of this.
23:14
[SPEAKER_01]: On my podcast, I'll just refer to Spirit Purpose and Energy.
23:17
[SPEAKER_01]: It's recent, so I don't know, five, eighty, five, something, whatever.
23:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It's recent.
23:22
[SPEAKER_01]: There are two podcasts.
23:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And the first one is called five questions that turn triggers into healing.
23:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I discussed this entire rupture that we had because it was scary, it was painful, it was heartbreaking, it was very, very scary, but necessary, so necessary to break a pattern that we were both in.
23:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It was basically my fiance saying being frustrated about our sex life.
23:44
[SPEAKER_01]: and I have been working and in survival mode and like when it comes to certain like we have separate businesses and so like there wasn't a lot of support.
23:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, there's support emotionally, but there wasn't a support financial there wasn't support like it wasn't an easy safe space to go in.
23:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're looking like polarity, masculine, feminine and I'm like, how can I feel more feminine if you're not being more masculine or if you're not stepping up for me, if you're not helping, I'm not sure how to do this, not to mention you recently told me that it's my job to initiate sex, which, okay, so now that's on my plate, can I have one more thing on my plate, right, so we went to this whole argument and then he left for 10 days to not he left because he was going on a trip.
24:20
[SPEAKER_01]: minute left us very vulnerable.
24:21
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't fight.
24:22
[SPEAKER_01]: We're best friends.
24:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I felt very vulnerable and scared.
24:25
[SPEAKER_01]: But we worked it out pretty quickly.
24:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it turned into this fantasy he wanted to have, which then juiced us up like never before.
24:32
[SPEAKER_01]: We have reached a new level of sexual expression ever for both of us as people on the planet and in our relationship.
24:39
[SPEAKER_01]: But we had to have it.
24:41
[SPEAKER_01]: in order for, in order for to change because we were living with it.
24:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And I knew it.
24:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I knew that this is not the highest expression of myself, but I didn't know how to get there.
24:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't know what to do about it.
24:51
[SPEAKER_01]: It had to happen to rupture and bring it into light.
24:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And for us to say, okay, this is something that we're going to work on.
24:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it didn't take that long, it just took one little thing that I wouldn't have known to change everything.
25:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And so now anyway, so that's on the show.
25:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the next episode is how to bring sexual chemistry back into your relationship.
25:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Because that's what had happened for us quite quickly.
25:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I brought on like a sex therapist, just kind of talk about some stuff in the both of us are on there.
25:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So so all that to say, it doesn't even matter what area of life it is.
25:19
[SPEAKER_01]: It could be, it could be healing or just communication or I mean sex is a great one.
25:24
[SPEAKER_01]: any area of your life that you're being repressed and that you're not, you know, being in your truth, that you're holding back, that you can't express, you can't spread your wings, you can't shine your life when you hold yourself down, that has physical repercussions.
25:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
25:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, first of all, can you tell us the name of your podcast so that everyone has that and can go spirit purpose and energy.
25:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
25:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's in the show notes.
25:47
[SPEAKER_00]: So everyone has it.
25:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And then do we know enough about the sheet that we can get the link to download.
25:51
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, okay, okay.
25:53
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
25:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So the first thing I requested or recommended was that without context downloading the sheet and just this is for your nervous system in general.
26:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So again, if you there are 85 basic human needs.
26:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to say, if you're filling out, if you're circling the path of them are not getting mad, well, this is why your body is not responding.
26:10
[SPEAKER_01]: This is why you can't heal.
26:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't calm down.
26:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Your body is not putting out the fire because it has a fire constantly going of a need of being unsafe of not feeling, okay, all the things.
26:21
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's the first step.
26:22
[SPEAKER_01]: But now let's go contextual.
26:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's go.
26:23
[SPEAKER_01]: There's an issue.
26:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'll do what we did for Doug and I when it came to our argument.
26:28
[SPEAKER_01]: There's three step process.
26:30
[SPEAKER_01]: The first step is that you have to identify your feelings.
26:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, there's 100 different feeling words on this list because not all feelings have the same intensity.
26:40
[SPEAKER_01]: If I was to say to you, I'm irritated.
26:43
[SPEAKER_01]: You'd go, oh, okay, what's going on?
26:45
[SPEAKER_01]: If I was to say, I have rage.
26:48
[SPEAKER_01]: You'd step back.
26:49
[SPEAKER_01]: You would not stand close to me when I told you that I'm enraged right now, correct?
26:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Rage and irritation are different expressions intensity-wise of anger.
26:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So you have to be able to identify what truly is going on with you to start.
27:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So you would say, all right, I am feeling, and this isn't just anyone else.
27:06
[SPEAKER_01]: This is to yourself.
27:07
[SPEAKER_01]: This is problem solving to yourself.
27:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So here's the situation and my feelings are I feel and then you'd pick one, two or three of the hundred different feeling words.
27:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, you identified the feeling, that's step one.
27:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Step two, the only reason you're in a negative emotion is because a need is not being
27:24
[SPEAKER_01]: it's that simple.
27:25
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're having a negative motion, your brain has interpreted you are unsafe for some reason.
27:30
[SPEAKER_01]: You are not getting something that you want, but you have to know what that is.
27:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Feelings don't just float in the air.
27:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care if one moment you're happy in the next moment you're angry, you either had a thought, a memory, or you observed something.
27:43
[SPEAKER_01]: that meant something to you, that made you feel vulnerable or unsafe.
27:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's when you went into the negative emotions.
27:49
[SPEAKER_01]: No one else is fault that you feel, even if the person's yelling at you, it's still not that person's fault.
27:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I promise you, it's in you because ideally, when you're a healed in a many different areas, someone can say, like, if someone was to say to me, well, on the podcast, I don't know if you've gotten experience this yet.
28:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been doing this long enough.
28:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm a catalyst enough and direct enough that people are either going to love me or hate me.
28:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So we got what the haters and the haters say shit, like, I don't know.
28:12
[SPEAKER_01]: you don't know what you're talking about.
28:13
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not a therapist or whatever.
28:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Or you should get like on the podcast when it was just exercise.
28:17
[SPEAKER_01]: You're too skinny to know what it's like to be me or I made a banana bread and someone said, no, thank you.
28:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, what I hear now when I feel so stupid, I'm like, why would you even say that?
28:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Just move on.
28:27
[SPEAKER_01]: But people, right?
28:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, the best one with my inner child work with Terry Real, that podcast.
28:33
[SPEAKER_01]: because I talk a lot because it's my show, no, it's your show.
28:36
[SPEAKER_01]: But someone on YouTube was like, in the first 13 minutes or whatever, it was like, who is this person?
28:42
[SPEAKER_01]: She's so, because they were searching him, I get it.
28:44
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't know me, my podcast, they know me.
28:46
[SPEAKER_01]: They're there for me.
28:47
[SPEAKER_01]: But I have Terry Rielan, I use his name and on YouTube, but it draws a lot of attention and someone's searching Terry Rielan and they're listening to JJ and they don't know JJ.
28:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And then now they're getting mad.
28:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Because they're like, who is this self-indulgent person who keeps talking about herself, right?
28:58
[SPEAKER_01]: But I was the subject matter for this interview.
29:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And we dove into my childhood, in my inner childhood work, right?
29:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I got very vulnerable.
29:06
[SPEAKER_01]: So the same person after yelling at me, if you will, on YouTube, comes back at the end of the show.
29:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And says, oh, my God, thank you so much for being vulnerable.
29:13
[SPEAKER_01]: That was really important.
29:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And I really thank you for sharing your story with me.
29:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to buy the book.
29:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you had to get over the fact that I was talking a lot to share.
29:21
[SPEAKER_01]: So I could be vulnerable to goes through the process.
29:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Instead of talking about it up here, where doesn't mean anything.
29:26
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you understand that about yourself, when you can accept that who you are and how people respond is not about, it's about them, not about you and not everything like you so be okay with that like the only person needs like you as you and hopefully your spouse or your children but you know that's not a story so we go through what need is not being that so I just want to be clear your needs are your job.
29:46
[SPEAKER_01]: This is not about blaming anyone or being victim, your needs or your job, how do you address that all feel as women like we failed pretty immensely by midlife because the parties are our job and we really haven't fulfilled any of our needs.
29:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a bit humbling maybe that's the better way to put it.
30:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, it's done, they have been saying for 26 years and people don't like it, of course.
30:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a guy who found my, well, I know.
30:08
[SPEAKER_01]: But we've been taught, we live in a society to blame people.
30:11
[SPEAKER_01]: We blame politics.
30:12
[SPEAKER_01]: We blame, you know, for how I feel.
30:14
[SPEAKER_01]: We blame sports teams for how I feel.
30:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, no, no, no, hold on.
30:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Stop.
30:18
[SPEAKER_01]: You're deciding to be in that frequency.
30:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to.
30:21
[SPEAKER_01]: There are plenty of little pay attention to any of it, and live perfectly happy lives.
30:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
30:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, me too.
30:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't turn on the news.
30:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't raise a newspaper.
30:27
[SPEAKER_01]: If it's happening your backyard or two people who you can talk to, then for right now, ignore it.
30:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Not my not because, yeah, not because you're being irresponsible because you can't do anything about it.
30:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you project yourself into a situation, you can't do anything about and get anger for no freaking reason.
30:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you just entered into a frequency while I wanted you invite that in, probably because you're angry about something you don't want to admit.
30:47
[SPEAKER_01]: But as I digress, go back to the news.
30:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Your name's your, your issue.
30:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Even when it's asking for intimacy, so with Doug, I said, okay, I reflected back to him what his feelings were and what his needs were.
30:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said the same thing about what my feelings were, what my needs were, right?
31:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's how we can have conversations, but I want to identify first what, I mean, I wasn't the one that complained, although I'm very
31:08
[SPEAKER_01]: But in my mind, I was like, yeah, this isn't really, this isn't the best.
31:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I would like that or I did really want that.
31:13
[SPEAKER_01]: But my need was for connection, sexual expression, definitely.
31:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
31:17
[SPEAKER_01]: So now we go, what's my feeling?
31:19
[SPEAKER_01]: What need is not being met?
31:20
[SPEAKER_01]: That's causing this feeling.
31:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the most important question number three is, what strategies?
31:27
[SPEAKER_01]: more than one, what strategies has to be more than one, at least two or three, because you can't make it about, well, he has to change.
31:35
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no, can't be that.
31:36
[SPEAKER_01]: It can't be that someone else has to be responsible for making you feel differently.
31:39
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no, we don't want to give our power away like that.
31:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You have to figure out either how to interpret it differently or what can, how can you get your need met that doesn't get asked anyone else to be different.
31:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It's illogical to think you can walk around life and ask people to be different so that you're comfortable.
31:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Really?
31:53
[SPEAKER_01]: No, it's not going to happen.
31:55
[SPEAKER_00]: all the time.
31:56
[SPEAKER_01]: We expect others to show up differently so that we feel better.
32:00
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't notice that we're doing it because we were pumped to do it by the way the world acts.
32:04
[SPEAKER_01]: But it doesn't work.
32:05
[SPEAKER_01]: It's never going to work because you always feel in a victim position that you can't do anything about.
32:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Because even you ask somebody for a behavioral change and they do it temporarily, it won't last and it's not fair.
32:14
[SPEAKER_01]: because they're trying to change for you, so you're comfortable, no, no, no, no.
32:18
[SPEAKER_01]: That's an inside job for you.
32:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that's the three steps.
32:20
[SPEAKER_01]: What am I feeling?
32:21
[SPEAKER_01]: What need is not being met as creating the feeling, and what strategies can I take to get the need met that does not require anyone else to be different.
32:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I like that ending.
32:33
[SPEAKER_00]: That's really good.
32:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
32:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's try to put this into a real example for the women who are listening.
32:38
[SPEAKER_00]: So I know we've got women who like still have young kids, but in their in midlife, they are not sleeping well.
32:44
[SPEAKER_00]: They're just feeling, again, like they're surviving all day like maybe things aren't horrible, but they're just like.
32:50
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like groundhog day every day and they're just struggling and they know and maybe they get a bit rage at their partner, maybe they get really frustrated things and then also there's the parents whose kids are a bit older, but they're still running them around to all the activities and all the things and all the time, which I'm always like.
33:05
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I tell her to stop putting her kids in so many things?
33:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I do this, but I digress as well.
33:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So we've got a woman, this is what she's feeling.
33:14
[SPEAKER_00]: So you're saying, if you're not feeling how you want to feel or if you recognize a frustration, a trigger or something in yourself, print the list, go through the list, circle every single one of the needs so that you can tie those needs to the feeling that you're having.
33:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I have that right?
33:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, let me just even tell you based on the two examples you just said, let me go through the process.
33:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So these are women who are overwhelmed.
33:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, they're frustrated.
33:39
[SPEAKER_00]: They're angry.
33:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
33:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, they may not actually express that they are angry because I think that might for some people.
33:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I was one of those like, oh, that anger is never had a place that would nice Canadian doesn't allow herself for her anger, surprise, surprise.
33:53
[SPEAKER_01]: That's my wife now.
33:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I get I can get pretty angry.
33:56
[SPEAKER_01]: She sees it.
34:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
34:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
34:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So they're frustrated.
34:02
[SPEAKER_01]: They're irritated.
34:03
[SPEAKER_01]: They won't let themselves get angry, but frustrated and irritated are a form of anger.
34:07
[SPEAKER_01]: They're overwhelmed.
34:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're probably tired.
34:10
[SPEAKER_01]: So their needs are space, rest, ease, and joy.
34:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
34:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, they may think, but here's how people do this.
34:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, it takes a minute to sort of retrain your way to believe and think and assess things, because what they're going to say.
34:24
[SPEAKER_01]: is I need support and they're going to say it from a place of frustration and resentment as if everyone else in their life is not supporting them, but my question will be to them to have you ask them.
34:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And the likelihood is no, because women expect men or other people in their lives to read their minds.
34:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't you see me struggling over here?
34:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it obvious I'm stressed out in fact, women go the mile to be so dramatic and manipulating so they don't have to say,
34:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god, they're so tight, right?
34:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Because then they expect if they do that, someone's gonna go, oh my god, you must need support.
34:58
[SPEAKER_01]: No, they're not gonna say that because everyone else is doing the same thing.
35:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone else has their own shit going on.
35:03
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not gonna just notice or you have to go within and be able to communicate, hey, I'm really tired.
35:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I really could do some support.
35:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Is there, and then you figure out what the support looks like and then you ask a couple different people to get the kind of support that you need until you get it met.
35:15
[SPEAKER_01]: End of story.
35:16
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not about your spouse or partner blaming them.
35:19
[SPEAKER_01]: for it or blaming the school system or blaming the one ever because you're never going to get anywhere with that.
35:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Put that down.
35:25
[SPEAKER_01]: We're tired of that that use because it only keeps you spinning in a place where you're anxious and angry.
35:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So do something about it.
35:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Ask for, you know, find like you were mentioning about like running around the kids.
35:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So is there another can you take another set of parents or kids that have another, you know, an alternate so that you get
35:46
[SPEAKER_01]: decide if your kids want to do a lot of things.
35:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they have to get themselves there.
35:49
[SPEAKER_01]: You figure it out or what's another way?
35:51
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to get creative about problem solving so you can get your needs met.
35:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Like the client I was mentioning with like 10 people in the house.
35:58
[SPEAKER_01]: She wanted to make but make things better with her daughter and her mother and I'm like, you can't do anything with them yet.
36:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Until you have space for your nervous system to come back into centered and you're sleeping well.
36:07
[SPEAKER_01]: and she's now sleeping well, and she's now calmer, and she's happier, she has her own space.
36:12
[SPEAKER_01]: She has her own room, she can shut the door, she has a sense of privacy, but that's bringing ease.
36:16
[SPEAKER_01]: We want we need to get to ease, and you don't have to control those around you to get to ease, by the way.
36:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're gonna find a place for you to find ease.
36:23
[SPEAKER_01]: How can you do that?
36:24
[SPEAKER_01]: meditate, go to yoga class, go dancing, do something fun for yourself.
36:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what the answer is for her.
36:29
[SPEAKER_01]: It was kick in her mom out of her room and getting her put her mom's desk in the living room instead of her bedroom.
36:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It was moving something so she could have more space in her bedroom and put stuff in a closet.
36:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Like it was little things, but those little things create the environment, energetic environment that we live in.
36:43
[SPEAKER_01]: You still have to do the damn thing like it.
36:45
[SPEAKER_01]: You still have to do them.
36:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think we get around, I mean, my situation
36:53
[SPEAKER_01]: in my life, for my business or whatever, but with Doug and with this whole sexual thing, like it's open up.
36:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's, I'm calmer.
37:00
[SPEAKER_01]: They're form of attracting better and different things.
37:02
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm calmer, but like the situation didn't change.
37:04
[SPEAKER_01]: The only a change was my relationship to our sex line and what's happening now, which energetically has calmed us to a new level and elevated us to a new level, right?
37:15
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's, you have to face the hard thing sometimes, or you have to start to really be good about problem solving that doesn't require manipulating others to do things that you can't ask for.
37:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Women don't ask for what they need.
37:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Women don't know what they need.
37:27
[SPEAKER_01]: They know they have needs, and they get mad when they don't get mad, but then you somehow expect someone else to do it for you.
37:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And I just want to give you the power of access.
37:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Please figure it out, and please do something about it.
37:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And you don't have to yell at people or be mad at them.
37:37
[SPEAKER_01]: They're trying to do the same thing too.
37:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's never, I'm all about win-win situations.
37:41
[SPEAKER_01]: The argument you're having with your spouse is not about what you think it is.
37:44
[SPEAKER_01]: you have a need and they have a need and I tell I promise you without knowing you, there are different needs.
37:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Therefore it could be a win-win situation versus someone wins and someone loses.
37:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Half of the arguments we have, someone wants freedom while somebody wants support.
37:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, that can be, that you can create that.
38:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone can win.
38:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Nobody has to lose.
38:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, but we're so used to power struggles in our culture, but that's what we think everything is and it's very damaging to our bodies and our relationships.
38:10
[SPEAKER_00]: it's true and I do think inevitably like the body does break down as you're saying if we are just constantly suppressing constantly an anger or resentment or any one of those hundreds of emotions 86 emotions is that what you said what we have like a hundred different feeling words 85 basic human beings okay so a hundred different feeling either way lots of numbers of these things
38:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I have heard you talk online about curiosity in communication because even and it's coming up right now because as you're talking about, I can certainly think of times in my life for in my partnership, whichever one it was, I'm made up a story about what is real without actually having that conversation.
38:50
[SPEAKER_00]: So can you walk us through that?
38:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Because again, I know we have women listing, I hopefully they ball recognize like, okay, I can get to play a role in fulfilling my needs and not feeling the way I do, and even in my healing just by supporting this piece of my life.
39:06
[SPEAKER_00]: So I got to figure out what my needs are, but then there's these like triggering moments where you have a conversation with your partner and you're like, whatever you think, you know, like must be nice that you get to go golf for four hours today instead of helping me do anything or look around and support the kids, you know, like talk to us about the stories.
39:22
[SPEAKER_00]: The stories come from our wounds.
39:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So I got to go back to what a core wound is.
39:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And I mentioned it in the beginning about how I started the show to say my marriage and it was a mockotherapy and a mockotherapy is a core wound exercise and that core wound exercise changed my life.
39:36
[SPEAKER_01]: My brain works, it looks for patterns.
39:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And the minute I saw the pattern and my moon astrology wise is in sag and sag is a very true seeking.
39:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So that proves when I see it, I can't unsee it, which means I change my behavior instantly.
39:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And I thought, oh my god, this is such powerful work.
39:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And I started doing it with all my clients, and I moved into it, and then I've been doing it ever since, but I've created something called a Coral and Map.
39:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Because, as I learned, everyone's brains like mine.
40:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So they can't, when they look at it, they don't have the same response.
40:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And I had to help extract the data and put it in different format for people to utilize it or see it differently.
40:10
[SPEAKER_01]: So we all have many Coral wounds, but I focus on the top three.
40:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And I, from that Coral and exercise, extract the top three wounds.
40:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And these wounds happen when you're zero, like last trimester of pregnancy until you're about seven, because our brain doesn't have consciousness.
40:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Our brain is running on, I think it's delta, and theta, mostly, and theta is your hypnosis brain wave.
40:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're being hypnotized through life until we're eight, pretty much, and everything we see, and everybody interprets differently, and you don't have it, you're not deciding, like now, if we're talking about a situation that
40:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I could tell you something and then you might be neutral and be able to say, what does that mean?
40:51
[SPEAKER_01]: This, what does that mean this?
40:52
[SPEAKER_01]: We can't do that until you're eight.
40:55
[SPEAKER_01]: When you're seeing things up until seven, your brain just decides.
40:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So if your parents were five minutes late to pick you up and you're someone who's love language is touch or quality time, you might go into freak out mode and the brain said, I'm not important enough.
41:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been abandoned.
41:08
[SPEAKER_01]: They left me.
41:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So now we have this as a belief.
41:12
[SPEAKER_01]: in our subconscious that we don't know is there, but then becomes the glasses through which we look at life for the rest of our lives.
41:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, no wonder we're all just walking around messed up.
41:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, it's also why most talk therapy doesn't work.
41:27
[SPEAKER_01]: It's because, in fact, that's what I said to the therapist at the time.
41:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I said, why isn't every single person doing this before they get in a therapy?
41:34
[SPEAKER_01]: most aren't because there's the traditionally traditional talk there.
41:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not talking about what to do hypnosis or EMDR or some other better things.
41:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But generally it's just using a part of the brain and it's conscious but it doesn't actually rewire anything, which is why I create a program called rewiring your Coral and Patterns.
41:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Because first you need to know what it is because until you change that pattern because it's what you believe it's what you manifest.
41:56
[SPEAKER_01]: If I believe, if I believe it says, I've been abandoned.
41:59
[SPEAKER_01]: My parents abandoned
42:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you think that's going to help me have successful relationships?
42:04
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to make me very needy.
42:05
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to make me very nervous.
42:08
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to make me very conditional because I'm trying to feel safe when my belief is that I people abandon me.
42:15
[SPEAKER_01]: So that abandonment loan, until that gets healed, we're just, we're working around it.
42:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, we're power struggling it, we're compensating for it, but we're not actually healing it.
42:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So the reason why we offer people to be curious first is because when you can know what your wounds are and you can start out of client in my current Rewire program and last week she had confession time.
42:35
[SPEAKER_01]: She hadn't been on Marco for a while and she said, okay, I confession time.
42:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a 10 per tantrum and then I did this.
42:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I did this.
42:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I ruined this.
42:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I threw this out.
42:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I quit that and she said, I went back and I looked at my core wound map and I laughed.
42:46
[SPEAKER_01]: because this is what I do and she's like so now that I know that so it was funny to see because now it's not a story like we make up stories and we believe them to be true because for us they aren't true but they're not the story oh one more quick this is worth the extra time so a guy came to my rewire group before it was a rewire group
43:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And he had been a therapy for a long time.
43:06
[SPEAKER_01]: He was out of AA.
43:07
[SPEAKER_01]: He was in, like, you know, alcohol abuse, or whatever, had a really tough childhood.
43:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And when he came to me, he was very thirsty.
43:14
[SPEAKER_01]: He wanted everything.
43:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I possibly gave him a money wet to this therapy session.
43:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And he came out.
43:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I do my group coaching in a platform called Mark Apollum.
43:21
[SPEAKER_01]: in between our sessions in group calls and so.
43:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And he comes on the Marco Paul and he's talking about his anger session with his therapist about his dad.
43:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, pause, hold on.
43:29
[SPEAKER_01]: What?
43:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Because his story was that my dad didn't love him.
43:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, okay, let me debunk that one.
43:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So with one Marco Polo, when I had, I implemented a couple different frameworks that I teach in the course by the end of it.
43:43
[SPEAKER_01]: He had tears in his eyes.
43:44
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, oh my god, my dad left me.
43:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Can you change the past?
43:47
[SPEAKER_01]: No, but you can change how you interpret it and how you see it because you are seeing through a lens It says my dad didn't love me and hear all the ways he didn't love me.
43:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Let my brain stack up all the evidence But if I change the way you look at things the things you look a change that's a windire quote I did not make that up, but let me say that again when you change the way you look at things
44:05
[SPEAKER_01]: the things you look a change.
44:07
[SPEAKER_01]: So now he can see all the evidence of his father loving him.
44:10
[SPEAKER_01]: His father had passed away.
44:11
[SPEAKER_01]: But now, and we're not four years later after I've worked with him, I mean, he's still flying high.
44:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, feels his dad's energy all the time, feels love.
44:18
[SPEAKER_01]: We healed 35, 40 years of pain by looking at it differently.
44:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Not that more powerful than being able to learn why people are different.
44:29
[SPEAKER_01]: why your brain went there and then to change it and see it differently and experience what you're seeking.
44:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So we make up stories all the time because we have wounds.
44:36
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what we do.
44:37
[SPEAKER_01]: We try to keep ourselves safe by making up stories.
44:39
[SPEAKER_01]: We assume that the person meant exactly the way that we interpreted.
44:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm here to say 99% of the time, you're absolutely wrong.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: You did not mean what you said.
44:50
[SPEAKER_01]: So you need to be curious and say, hold on.
44:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I have another podcast in case anyone's triggered by their partner, awesome.
44:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Doug and I got an argument on our hike and I didn't have my tools with me.
45:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So I had to come up with a new way to quickly get through this argument.
45:03
[SPEAKER_01]: It was awesome when it came back and we recorded.
45:04
[SPEAKER_01]: It's called when your partner triggers you.
45:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what number it is.
45:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Just got to go back or type it in when your partner triggers you such a great conversation about how to get quickly.
45:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Because again, we were hearing things that weren't being said.
45:17
[SPEAKER_01]: He'd say this.
45:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't interpret it this way and get upset.
45:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I would react.
45:21
[SPEAKER_01]: He would interpret something not the way I was saying it and then we'd have a fight.
45:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, okay, stop, hold on.
45:25
[SPEAKER_01]: What is it that you want me to hear?
45:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Or here's what I interpret when you do that or say that.
45:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So really, really important to me to hear.
45:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that.
45:32
[SPEAKER_00]: That's I'm going to write that down and use that.
45:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, because there's it's two parts, what did you understand me to say and what did you want me to understand or what did you want me to know because the two did not match and they usually don't when you're getting an arguments with people because your wounds are coloring how you're hearing it and then you're getting math a person and you're missing what they meant because you don't stop to say hey.
45:56
[SPEAKER_01]: So here's what I heard you say and this is how I interpreted.
45:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that what you meant?
45:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And they would have been like, no, that's totally wrong.
46:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
46:02
[SPEAKER_01]: But you have to ask.
46:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, some of us aren't taught to ask.
46:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Today, I'm treating my parents.
46:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I personally train my parents every Monday.
46:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And my dad sat on the ball.
46:10
[SPEAKER_01]: He's 81 and he fell.
46:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, he didn't hit his head or anybody fell.
46:14
[SPEAKER_01]: My mom, she's yelling at him.
46:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And she puts the camera back on him and he's kind of laughing.
46:19
[SPEAKER_01]: She goes, why are you laughing?
46:20
[SPEAKER_01]: and I said dad, he's all you're giving me hell.
46:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I said dad, she's just nervous.
46:23
[SPEAKER_00]: She's worried about you and instead of doing it in the loving way, she's yelling at you.
46:27
[SPEAKER_01]: She's angry because she doesn't want to take care of you if something bad happens.
46:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he goes up.
46:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
46:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Most of the time when we're yelling, here's another really good
46:37
[SPEAKER_01]: The coldable moment.
46:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Anger is never the end of the story.
46:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Anger is the lid on the boiling pot of water blocking you from feeling fear or sadness.
46:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I promise that every time you're angry, it's because you do not want to feel fear or sadness.
46:51
[SPEAKER_01]: But that is the root of what's going on.
46:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So after you get to the anger piece, ask the question, what am I afraid of?
46:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Or what am I sad about?
46:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's the story.
47:01
[SPEAKER_00]: JJ, this has been amazing.
47:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I could probably, well, I'm excited.
47:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I want us all to get into your world because I feel like there's so much to unpack here.
47:08
[SPEAKER_00]: But I want to just summarize it.
47:10
[SPEAKER_00]: It feels like obviously step number one is for people or the women listening to recognize the impact that not addressing these things, not knowing myself, not the impact that that has on their health.
47:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And then exponentially, you will say in Perry Menopause and Menopause.
47:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Step two is to probably grab this list and start circling their needs.
47:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Like even just on a random Tuesday, like, I don't have to have a feeling in order to do it.
47:35
[SPEAKER_00]: They just really need to like, in a calm moment.
47:38
[SPEAKER_00]: So how do we get the list from your worlds?
47:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And you'll put this in the show notes.
47:42
[SPEAKER_01]: JJ Flizanes.com.
47:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So my name is JJ Flizanes.com.
47:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Ford slash.
47:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Feelings list.
47:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So feelings with an S feelings list.
47:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, that is in the show now.
47:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just so everyone knows down below.
47:53
[SPEAKER_00]: JJ Flizzane's dot com towards slash feelings list.
47:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Great.
47:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm totally downloading today.
47:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, and can we get into your world that way as well or just we're just scrubbing something.
48:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
48:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, there's the download, which has the questions and then has the, and that, I mean, I have a little mini course that goes with it that I then share if you're interested in which is the three steps to unravel messy emotional situations and it's $97, but that's not, but you don't have to start you could just go to the podcast.
48:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I have a ton of free stuff that was a class where we worked through.
48:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And actually it was so beautiful the way that unfolded I had some new people come and they were really really stuck in victim and on that second call got really intense and I said them afterwards I said I want you guys to watch yourselves after we're done after you get the recording watch it and they came back on week three and I like oh my god, I was so in victim.
48:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, right, because when you're in it, you can't see it.
48:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're, and I said, and I said, and I said, and it's fine, we all go there.
48:43
[SPEAKER_01]: We all get there.
48:44
[SPEAKER_01]: We get angry.
48:45
[SPEAKER_01]: It feels righteous to blame somebody else and to get mad and make it their fault.
48:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're the reason why I can't do this or feel this or have this.
48:51
[SPEAKER_01]: But then when you take a step back and you observe yourself, you go, oh, God, that's not where I want to be.
48:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And so now we can do something about it.
48:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, but the podcast is free and no one could catch up if you tried.
49:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I have so much content everywhere.
49:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I actually have a whole network.
49:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So there are 20 shows and there's YouTube channel and it's got all kinds, but I would just go to the spirit purpose energy first, but again, it's going to have health things, spiritual things, manifestation of attraction things, healing things, emotional things.
49:17
[SPEAKER_00]: love it okay spirit purpose energy podcasts go grab that download JJ like I love your energy I feel cracked open a little bit here just thinking like okay what's the opportunity here so I think your energy also brings a lot of hope the stories that you share you know really do and drive energy I think and the other people so I I see the impact that you're making and I want to just say thank you so much for for what you're doing well thank you that is the goal the intensity of my
49:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And if nothing else, the message is always, you have a choice.
49:49
[SPEAKER_01]: There is hope.
49:50
[SPEAKER_01]: You can get what you want.
49:51
[SPEAKER_01]: You can heal, but you just are going to maybe have to get uncomfortable first, but then you're going to see the pattern go, oh, well, you know, when you have a personal trainer, even if you don't, if you never had a personal trainer you understand the hiring a trainer means you're going to work harder, but you're probably going to get better results.
50:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, it's the same thing emotionally, kind of to worry a little harder, but you're going to get better results at the end and you'll be happy that you've ever been.
50:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I have that all the time people who love themselves, like they've never loved themselves, didn't think it was possible because they weren't the systems that we haven't placed don't help you.
50:19
[SPEAKER_01]: The therapy does not help you love yourself.
50:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Sorry.
50:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Just, I'm going to say that out loud therapy does not help you love yourself.
50:25
[SPEAKER_01]: getting to know yourself.
50:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I did climb runs, you know, edit a presence for 20 years and therapy for 20 years and didn't help her one iota and now she actually loves herself and respects herself after learning some things about herself.
50:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's what I want for everybody.
50:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that.
50:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for everything for your energy that you gave us today.
50:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I really appreciate you.
50:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
50:44
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, sisters, JJ outlined so many things today.
50:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's important to pay attention to these whispers of your body.
50:52
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you are feeling one of these hundreds of feelings that we have or one of these 86 needs that are missed, you know, start to identify it before it turns into a screen.
51:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And now you have an incredible tool from JJ that you can go and access to be more in your life and not just less on a scale, which is where a lot of us get stuff.
51:11
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll look forward to catching you in the next episode.
51:15
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're 35 plus and ready to stop guessing, start understanding your hormones and feel your absolute best, hit subscribe.
51:22
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what we do here.