Latest / Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire. / Trump Said "Young, Beautiful Girls" Then the Internet Saw His Rump | Breaking Absurdity Ep. #28

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Trump Said "Young, Beautiful Girls" Then the Internet Saw His Rump | Breaking Absurdity Ep. #28 · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

• 0:00
  Donald Trump mentioned the young, beautiful girls
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  who come to the White House five times at his
• 0:05
  rally yesterday. Meanwhile, Trump's Justice Department
• 0:08
  is being sued over access to unredacted Epstein
• 0:10
  files that Congress has claimed implicate Trump.
• 0:14
  No connection to the young, beautiful girls,
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  wink wink. Trump is bringing back World War II
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  -era steam catapults for future aircraft carriers,
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  potentially costing the Navy more than a billion
• 0:24
  dollars. Melania Trump hasn't been seen in public
• 0:27
  for 27 days, and sailors aboard a US aircraft
• 0:31
  carrier are reportedly being fed two tortillas
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  and a slice of bread, while testosterone is apparently
• 0:37
  in unlimited supply. The internet had some very
• 0:40
  specific questions about the junk in Trump's
• 0:42
  trunk. Watch to the end, you'll see why. It's
• 0:46
  time for Breaking Absurdity. Everything you didn't
• 0:50
  know you needed to know today, but wish you hadn't.
• 0:53
  Ads help keep the lights on here at It's Not
• 0:55
  Satire. But if ads give you the ick, let me help
• 0:58
  you with that. If you want all the absurdity
• 1:00
  without the ads, subscribe to my sub stack and
• 1:02
  look for the ad free podcast option. The link
• 1:04
  is in the show notes. Now let's get into the
• 1:07
  absurdity. Let's get right into it, starting
• 1:11
  with Donald Trump's extremely specific description
• 1:13
  of the woman who came to the White House. At
• 1:16
  a law and order rally in New York yesterday,
• 1:18
  Trump repeatedly talked about young, beautiful
• 1:21
  girls so many times the audience couldn't keep
• 1:23
  count anymore. These young, these gorgeous, beautiful
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  girls, they want to be safe and they come. Mr.
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  President, may I speak to you? Yes. Thank you,
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  sir. Thank you. I said, why are you thanking
• 1:46
  me? Because a year and a half ago, I was afraid
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  to leave. I was afraid to open the door of my
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  apartment. And now I walk to the White House
• 1:55
  every morning and I have absolutely no fear.
• 1:57
  Thank you, sir. He was talking about women telling
• 2:01
  him they feel safer in Washington because of
• 2:04
  his administration's crime policies, but Trump
• 2:06
  talked about other constituents he consistently
• 2:09
  gets it from. Yes, we all know what you mean,
• 2:23
  Mr. President. You're getting it constantly.
• 2:26
  While Trump was talking openly about all the
• 2:28
  beautiful girls coming to the White House, New
• 2:31
  Mexico was suing Trump's Justice Department.
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  The state wants access to unredacted Epstein
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  files connected to Jeffrey Epstein's former Zorro
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  Ranch in New Mexico. New Mexico's Attorney General
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  says the Justice Department is withholding documents
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  that are needed for the state's investigation.
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  So just to recap, while Trump was savoring all
• 2:51
  the beautiful young girls who come to the White
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  House, New Mexico was calling on the other line
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  asking, where are the Epstein files? That allegedly
• 2:59
  involved Donald Trump. Sadly, that call went
• 3:02
  to voicemail. Maybe next time, send a voice memo.
• 3:07
  Now, if you've ever heard Trump talk about steam
• 3:09
  catapults and wondered what the hell he was talking
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  about, congratulations, I finally know you're
• 3:15
  welcome. Trump has been complaining about the
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  Navy's electromagnetic catapult system for years,
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  and now he's actually ordered the Navy to go
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  backwards. The administration wants future Ford
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  -class aircraft carriers to replace the electromagnetic
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  launch system with steam -powered catapults.
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  Catapults. Which is better? Electric or steam?
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  The President of the United States has looked
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  at one of the most advanced aircraft carriers
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  in the world and apparently thought, how about
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  some revolutionary 1940s technology? That's what
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  this ship needs. The order applies to future
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  carriers, including the USS Doris Miller, whose
• 4:02
  electromagnetic system is already about halfway
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  through production. The manufacturer has warned
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  that changing cores could create major costs
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  and schedule problems. So the Navy is apparently
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  going to spend a whole lot of money replacing
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  state -of -the -art technology with obsolete
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  technology because that's exactly what the military
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  needs right now. Just another quote -unquote
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  upgrade that Donald Trump can take credit for.
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  Are we great yet? Meanwhile, on the USS Abraham
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  Lincoln, thousands of sailors have reportedly
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  been dealing with food shortages and deteriorating
• 4:36
  conditions after more than 250 consecutive days
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  at sea. With reports that sailors have attempted
• 4:42
  jumping overboard, families have described food
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  becoming scarce. One reported meal was essentially
• 4:47
  a small portion of shredded meat and a single
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  tortilla, which is not exactly the well -fed
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  fighting force aesthetic that Pete Hegseth is
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  going for. There have also been reports of poor
• 4:59
  morale, plumbing problems and other shortages
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  aboard the carrier. But don't worry, because
• 5:04
  apparently there is a solution. Testosterone.
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  Because while sailors are apparently asking where
• 5:10
  their food is, Pete Hagseth is more focused on
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  testosterone than keeping our sailors well fed
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  and mentally stable. Priorities. And now it's
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  time for an update on Turtle Watch. Mitch McConnell
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  has not made a public appearance since June 14th
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  when he was hospitalized after a fall. That's
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  now more than 60 days. 60 days. His office has
• 5:33
  released photographs and statements saying he's
• 5:35
  recovering and remains engaged with Senate business.
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  So to be clear, we're not claiming he's missing,
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  he's just… remarkably absent from public life.
• 5:44
  Which brings us to today's question, where is
• 5:47
  the turtle? While everyone's trying to find the
• 5:49
  turtle that apparently got lost in a shell during
• 5:52
  rehab, there's another disappearance people are
• 5:55
  starting to notice. I'm talking about Melania
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  Trump. And unlike Mitch McConnell, she doesn't
• 6:00
  have a medical explanation for why she's been
• 6:03
  missing. She just hasn't been around much. The
• 6:06
  Daily Beast recently went through Melania Trump's
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  public calendar and found that she has appeared
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  publicly on just 38 days this year. Her last
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  public appearance was July 19th when she attended
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  the World Cup final with Trump. So naturally,
• 6:19
  we're adding a second counter, we already have
• 6:21
  Turtle Watch, now we have Where's Melania? We'll
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  keep you posted, assuming she shows up. And finally,
• 6:29
  Donald Trump is threatening to treat the Strait
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  of Hormuz as U .S. territory, which is an interesting
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  proclamation considering that it's not even clear
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  there's a strategy to win the war, much less
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  start claiming territory for pleases few Americans
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  had even heard of prior to the conflict. Trump
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  made the remarks during the same New York appearance.
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  In international news, an Australian woman claims
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  that her urologist's AI hallucinated that she
• 6:53
  was microdosing mushrooms, and the woman found
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  out after reviewing her own medical records.
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  Experts warn the error may have been caused by
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  her AI doing some microdosing of its own. Finally,
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  political analysts are reporting that Trump is
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  facing a White House exodus, with Caroline Levitt
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  making her sudden departure as White House press
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  secretary after returning from maternity leave
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  to spend more time with her family. And David
• 7:18
  Warrington stepping down from his role as White
• 7:21
  House General Counsel, among others. So apparently
• 7:24
  the White House is experiencing an exodus, Caroline
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  Levitt is spending more time with her family,
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  David Warrington is stepping down, and several
• 7:31
  others are headed for the exits. At this rate,
• 7:34
  the only person who might actually be staying
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  in the White House is the guy who lives there.
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  And finally, the internet demands to know what
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  the hell is going on with Trump's rump. Footage
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  from behind Trump was posted on X, with viewers
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  fixating on what appears to be a strange bulge
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  underneath the right side of his suit jacket,
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  asking, why does it look like there's a box on
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  his right cheek? And honestly, once someone points
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  it out, it is remarkably difficult to unsee.
• 8:03
  We only know one thing for sure, the internet
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  cares deeply about it. So if any of my loyal
• 8:08
  viewers have a theory, please let me know in
• 8:10
  the comments below. This is important journalism.
• 8:30
  And if ads aren't your thing, then remember to
• 8:33
  check out the ad -free version of this podcast
• 8:35
  on my sub stack. Just click on the link in the
• 8:37
  show notes and look for the ad -free podcasts
• 8:39
  and the subscription options.