Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / How to Stop Self-Hate and Learn to Love Yourself: 5 Lessons

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How to Stop Self-Hate and Learn to Love Yourself: 5 Lessons · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

• 0:00
  If you've ever been told to love yourself first and you've really, really tried and it just hasn't worked, I want you to hear this.
• 0:07
  It's never meant to work that way.
• 0:09
  Research on how we actually form a sense of self shows that most of us learn how to treat ourselves from how others treat us.
• 0:17
  So it's role modeled.
• 0:19
  How they treat us is how we treat ourself.
• 0:22
  So self love isn't something we can figure out in a room by ourself.
• 0:27
  It's something you learn through connection with each other.
• 0:31
  So if you're sitting there in a room and a lot of us are trying to actually do a lot of healing by ourself to create that better life and feeling like you're failing at some level, like you've done
• 0:43
  a lot, and then there's something that you just can't seem to get past, I want you to know there's nothing wrong with you.
• 0:49
  You've been trying to do something alone that at this level.
• 0:54
  But humans are built to learn together.
• 0:57
  So welcome to change your life with Dr.
• 1:00
  Emon Kaur.
• 1:00
  Today I'm going to work you through the five things.
• 1:05
  Why you are the hardest person in your life to love and how do we then learn self love and what happens inside when we stop feeling like we deserve good things.
• 1:19
  And that can really happen especially for those empaths that are listening.
• 1:24
  What can we do about it starting today?
• 1:29
  And there is a place inside you where self love stops being a task that you have to perform because you realize on a real deep level that you are love itself.
• 1:42
  And I'll show you why, why this self love stuff really matters in helping you reach that next level, be it in your work, in your relationships, in your business, in your life.
• 1:56
  And stay with me till part five.
• 1:59
  Because it changes what self love actually means for you on a deeper level.
• 2:06
  And this is where everything really comes together.
• 2:10
  Now I could really talk about why self love is so important to me personally.
• 2:18
  But just talking about how self love has changed my life would reduce me to tears.
• 2:24
  Because from where I was, I didn't realize that I was lacking self love for many, many years and that it was causing so much pain and suffering in my life.
• 2:37
  And that when I started to actually really go deep and say I really want to stop this pattern that I keep repeating where I'm sabotaging and doing all sorts of other things and not really realizing my own potential,
• 2:51
  I realized that science, neuroscience and all the spiritual texts were pointing towards love and that self love is so vital as a step to really get to that next level in your life, be it your spiritual life, be
• 3:09
  it the results that you have in your life.
• 3:13
  So let's get started.
• 3:15
  We've all heard this saying that you can't love your.
• 3:19
  You can't love anyone else until you truly know how to love yourself.
• 3:24
  If I was to show you if you love cats or if you love dogs, or if you love babies, if I suddenly bought the cutest puppy or the cutest kitten or the cutest baby that's laughing and put it
• 3:41
  in front of you, in that moment, you would actually completely forget yourself and just be so absorbed in the cuteness of this beautiful thing in front of you, you don't need to work at loving it.
• 3:58
  That's because in that moment you're connected to the beauty of life.
• 4:03
  This life force energy, what some call prana or is this energy, or some people say the God within or the creator or the universe, whatever it is, is this pure, beautiful energy that you are just taken in by.
• 4:23
  And that can also happen by a sunset, sunrise, being in a field.
• 4:28
  This is when you connect with that life force energy.
• 4:32
  Your attention in the moment is not on you, your own limitations, you forget it all and you remember what it feels like to connect with love again because it's your nature.
• 4:46
  It's so natural to you and you don't even notice you're doing it.
• 4:52
  So loving others often is easy.
• 4:56
  The hard part is loving ourself.
• 5:01
  And here's why.
• 5:02
  You know, you.
• 5:05
  You know the choices you make.
• 5:07
  You know when you should be eating healthy or an apple and then you ate that chocolate.
• 5:12
  You know that you watch Netflix when you should have been doing something else.
• 5:17
  You know how capable you are, how much potential you have and how you have this yearning to do something more in your life.
• 5:26
  But you're making different choices on a day to day level.
• 5:30
  So it's so easy to judge yourself, it's so easy to criticize yourself, to think I'm choosing not to be that person that I should be.
• 5:45
  And then we're feeling as if it's my fault that I'm not where I should be.
• 5:53
  I want to ask you something.
• 5:55
  Even when you feel justified to criticise yourself, is it really helping you?
• 6:03
  The truth is it isn't helping you.
• 6:07
  Even if it's true you made the wrong choices in life, is it helping you now?
• 6:14
  Because in my experience with myself and the people that I've worked with, it never ever helps.
• 6:23
  Being hard on yourself, it does not move you forward it freezes you.
• 6:29
  It gets you consumed in your limitations of why you can't be that person.
• 6:35
  So let me tell you what I believe self love means because it's not standing in the mirror saying, I love myself.
• 6:43
  Yes, some of those practices might help you, but it's not really about that.
• 6:49
  And it's not either about loving yourself because you're doing well, because that's easy.
• 6:54
  Anyone can love someone when things are going well.
• 6:58
  Self love is bringing love, understanding, compassion to the parts of you that you would rather avoid looking at.
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  The ones, the parts that you judge, the parts that you criticize, the parts that you feel shame towards.
• 7:17
  Those are the parts that need self love.
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  So self love is loving that self.
• 7:26
  That's what self love is.
• 7:30
  It's you seeing and loving those by bringing more compassion rather than judgment.
• 7:38
  And on a spiritual level, I believe God is love in so many different religions.
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  It points towards God is love and love is healing.
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  So self love is how we heal.
• 7:54
  I was really judgmental towards myself and I'd whip myself into do more, do more, do more, work harder, work harder.
• 8:03
  And then I found myself around people that would treat me that way as well.
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  They wanted more and more and more.
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  They weren't putting anything in, but they were expecting me to be doing everything.
• 8:15
  I felt so drained, like I can't do anymore, I haven't got any more to give.
• 8:24
  And it was only through understanding that I need to stop being so hard on myself, inside myself, to really start connecting back and being understanding and loving towards myself rather than judging myself about how the hell did I
• 8:40
  get into this situation in the first place.
• 8:43
  And as I started to build that trust within myself and bringing love and compassion to myself rather than all that judgment, things started to shift.
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  The pain started to ease and I started to think about what is it that I want and how do I really, truly want to live my life?
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  And it wasn't living it like I was.
• 9:07
  Self love is taught, it's not learned alone.
• 9:11
  This is really important because if we're around people that aren't helping us see the love within ourselves or allowing us.
• 9:21
  I was looking for permission to be loved so I could love myself.
• 9:27
  And I think there are two kinds of people listening right now.
• 9:32
  Probably some of you might be in a real pain, really struggling like you are ready to change your life.
• 9:39
  And there's a part of you that loaves yourself for being in this situation, that criticism.
• 9:46
  And honestly, getting through the day is really, really tough.
• 9:50
  And every day is like, oh, God, I've Got to go through this.
• 9:54
  And you might find yourself numbing in certain ways like scrolling or doing certain things to just get through.
• 10:01
  And that's okay if that's.
• 10:04
  You just hear this before you can get to that point of really changing your life and achieving the goals that you want and getting to that next level.
• 10:12
  What you need is that healing.
• 10:14
  And you deserve it.
• 10:16
  You deserve to.
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  To heal so that you can bring out the best in you.
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  You can be the best of you.
• 10:23
  Then there's others that aren't in that place.
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  They're functioning.
• 10:27
  Maybe they're really doing well on the outside.
• 10:29
  But there's this sense of like, I want more, I want to give more, I want to express more, I'm meant to do more.
• 10:35
  And there's something.
• 10:36
  There's like a barrier that's holding you back and you don't seem to be able to get past that barrier.
• 10:43
  And for you to reach the next level for you is healing some of the conditioned patterns that allows more of your true self to express so you can be more of yourself in the world.
• 10:57
  So those limitations are there for you to heal through love, through self love, so that you can then get to that next level.
• 11:06
  So if you're thinking I really want to start something, but I don't know what it is, it could be that there's those limitations that you just need to heal through love.
• 11:14
  There might be some blocks that you're not aware of.
• 11:18
  You're probably trying to fix this or you've been told that you have to fix this on your own.
• 11:23
  You've been taught that you have to do it by yourself.
• 11:29
  And here's the problem with that.
• 11:31
  When we're struggling, what do we do?
• 11:35
  The thing we do is we avoid the feeling.
• 11:38
  We avoid doing the thing that's going to trigger that feeling.
• 11:42
  So if it means that you're meant to do a post or you're meant to start your website, or you're meant to create something, you're going to avoid the feeling of putting stuff out there that gets triggered when you
• 11:52
  put things out there.
• 11:53
  We might stay in bed a bit longer, we might order that takeaway and we might just watch Netflix because.
• 12:00
  Or scroll because we're just trying to get through the day that isn't self love, right?
• 12:06
  That self appeasement.
• 12:08
  We're just trying.
• 12:09
  And sometimes people might call it self care.
• 12:12
  Yeah, but that's still self appeasement is slightly different.
• 12:17
  It's soothing a bad feeling that we don't want to look at.
• 12:22
  We don't want to face.
• 12:24
  And that's why real self love is really hard to develop by ourself.
• 12:31
  Because we're going to fall into that trap of self appeasement again and again and again.
• 12:36
  And it's normal and natural to do that because the research says it's never meant to be learned alone.
• 12:44
  We learn how to treat ourselves the way others treated us, the way we were treated.
• 12:51
  There's also a well known area of psychology called attachment theory.
• 12:56
  You might have heard of it.
• 12:57
  And it looks at our earliest relationship, shapes how we connect to people for the rest of our lives.
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  And it's one of the best known studies by Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver in 1987.
• 13:13
  And so how it works is about 50% are described as having a secure attachment style.
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  And about a quarter are avoidant.
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  And about one in five people are anxious, worried that people are going to leave me, like I'm going to be rejected.
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  Secure attachment tends to come from people being treated with respect and unconditional love.
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  They have had that growing up.
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  And when you're treated in that way, if someone treats you with love and respect, you learn to treat yourself in that way too.
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  It's, that's where self love is taught.
• 13:58
  But if you were criticized, ignored, neglected, mistreated, you've internalized that too.
• 14:07
  Not because you're weak, not because you're bad, not because of anything else.
• 14:13
  But it's going to happen.
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  We're going to internalize how we were once treated because that's how humans learn.
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  And this is why you can't just decide to stop criticizing yourself or judging yourself.
• 14:29
  It was conditioned into you, it has to be conditioned out through learning another way and experiencing another way.
• 14:38
  Now here's the hopeful part and I want you to really, really hear this.
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  Researchers have found that adults who started out as insecure became secure later in life.
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  Yes, that is right.
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  You can change your pattern and it's called earned security.
• 14:58
  And the one thing that helps in creating that is other people.
• 15:03
  A mentor, a partner, if you're lucky enough, a teacher, a group, a community, people who treat you differently so you can learn to treat yourself in that same way.
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  It happens by osmosis.
• 15:21
  You start to change within yourself in how you treat yourself so you're not stuck with what you were given.
• 15:29
  And you weren't just meant to deal with this alone either.
• 15:33
  And especially I'm really talking to those people that probably were neglected when they were younger because that's the thing that you retreated to.
• 15:41
  Just trying to figure it all out by Yourself.
• 15:44
  Even though I was conditioned from a young age to not understand how to love myself, over the years, there's been so many different people that have come into my life.
• 15:56
  In my 20s, I had, you know, some of the bosses that I worked with were absolutely incredible.
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  They really believed in me.
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  There were some people that really believed in me.
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  They were pivotal, like a schoolteacher, just truly my physics school teacher, she was incredible.
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  I went to a convent school, and she was a nun.
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  And this one teacher really believed in me and she saw me for who I was.
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  And really, it changed the course of my life.
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  So if someone believes in you, you start to see yourself differently.
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  And now I'm really conscious of.
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  I want people around me that believe in me, that value me, because that's how I will value myself too.
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  And it's how we grow and evolve through relationships.
• 16:55
  The next thing I really want to talk about is something that's dear to my heart as well.
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  And it could be something that you're unconsciously doing.
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  There's a point I see in people where it becomes really hard to climb back out.
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  It's when somewhere deep down, you start to feel like you don't deserve to be happy.
• 17:17
  It gets so conditioned in how someone's treated you that you get to a point where you think, I don't think it's possible.
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  For me, it feels like it's too late, that you're not worth it deep down.
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  And often underneath that, there's guilt.
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  You've been taught to feel bad about yourself.
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  It's a hidden guilt that you just there all the time.
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  Maybe something you did or didn't do, or maybe it was simply that you wanted more in your life and someone made you feel bad about that.
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  And the guilt quietly says, you deserve to struggle.
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  It's like punishment.
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  And then you become a martyr.
• 17:58
  And I've seen this so many times with so many women in particular, especially empaths, where you want to give to everyone, you want to give to everybody else, you're carrying everyone else.
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  And here's where it gets really sticky.
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  Because it was conditioned into you that the struggle was familiar.
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  It might have been that you saw it in your.
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  Your mother or grandmother or someone else.
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  And what you feel inside, as in, I need to struggle, I should struggle, I should give to everyone else.
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  And not give to me, is also what's happening on the outside.
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  So it's congruent, it fits, it feels right.
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  So there's a part of you that won't want to change, because actually there's a part that's saying, no, I don't want to do anything about it.
• 18:51
  And that moment, you stop feeling like you deserve being happy.
• 18:57
  You stop reaching for and being happy.
• 19:01
  Like you won't take the action for it because why would you?
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  It's like it's not meant for me.
• 19:07
  I'm meant to be a martyr and sacrifice myself for the rest of my life.
• 19:10
  So even when an opportunity comes for that promotion, a new client, the idea of the business, that your mind squashes it so fast.
• 19:21
  No, I can't.
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  It's gonna take too much energy.
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  I'm not gonna do that.
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  Before you could even give yourself the chance to grow.
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  Who do I think I am?
• 19:30
  I'm not that person anymore.
• 19:32
  Without self love, we don't really understand our own boundaries, our value.
• 19:38
  So we just give and give and give until we've got nothing to give because we believe we don't deserve to have that joy, that happiness in our life anymore.
• 19:51
  So we say yes to everything and we over give, we over deliver and we undercharge.
• 19:57
  And then it's, I need someone else to tell me, give me approval to decide how I should feel about myself.
• 20:07
  And people can learn, even without meaning to, they might not be bad people, that they can then control you.
• 20:17
  So because all that you want is approval, all you want to feel is that I have a sense of purpose by giving, by being needed.
• 20:27
  Because, hey, I don't deserve anything, so I might as well be of value, be good for something.
• 20:34
  And I really get this because I've seen it and I've been there.
• 20:40
  And every time we're being treated badly, that old belief gets confirmed.
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  My needs don't matter.
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  Everybody else's needs are more important than mine.
• 20:50
  Some of us might even go further, like we're sacrificing ourself.
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  Because sacrifice becomes the one place that we feel like we're worth something.
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  And I'm giving everything to everyone else.
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  At least I matter.
• 21:06
  And if you recognize yourself in this, please don't use it as one more reason to judge yourself.
• 21:12
  Please don't do that.
• 21:13
  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 21:14
  We're not going there.
• 21:17
  It's not a character flaw.
• 21:19
  It's conditioning.
• 21:20
  You've been conditioned, and it can change if you want to.
• 21:25
  There's one client that is very dear to me.
• 21:28
  And she was giving, giving, giving.
• 21:32
  A real empath.
• 21:33
  And it got to a point where her nervous system was so fried, like she was in panic mode all the time, really still giving.
• 21:41
  She was.
• 21:42
  Even her job was very Giving, like taking care of children that had.
• 21:46
  So she's totally giving.
• 21:48
  But it got to a point where she didn't know her own needs.
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  She didn't even know what she needed.
• 21:57
  She was so focused.
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  It was like an addiction to always just think about everyone else.
• 22:02
  So that whole process of learning to love herself was really quite difficult.
• 22:07
  It was a real struggle like it.
• 22:09
  But at the same time, we really touched something quite deep for her.
• 22:14
  And as she started to keep practicing and learning that she was of value through the community, through the practices, through.
• 22:23
  Through the tools that were being given to her and through the mentorship, she started to see herself differently, like she does matter.
• 22:32
  And now she's retrained, she's been promoted, creating a new initiative in her workplace where she's using her own experiences to really make a difference in the world.
• 22:46
  So how do we begin to change ourself?
• 22:50
  And here's the three things you can start to do today.
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  First, please notice how you talk to yourself.
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  Just watch for a day.
• 22:59
  We just go along and we listen to this voice in our head and we just give ourself a hard time.
• 23:05
  The key things to look at are, like, what happens when you make a mistake, when you're tired, when you didn't do the thing that you were meant to do, when you look at your to do list and you
• 23:15
  weren't able to do everything?
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  Then ask one simple question.
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  Is this mind that's criticizing me right now and judging me about what I did and didn't do, is it helping me?
• 23:27
  Is it helping me move forward and then go a little bit deeper?
• 23:31
  Why am I not allowing myself to express this part of me that's so capable?
• 23:38
  Where am I holding myself back?
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  Some part of me that isn't being allowed to really express itself?
• 23:46
  And second, know the difference between when you're appeasing yourself and soothing yourself and when you're really loving yourself.
• 23:55
  Like, ask yourself, if I truly loved myself right now, what would I do?
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  What am I doing right now to avoid touching that bad feeling?
• 24:08
  What could I be doing instead of.
• 24:10
  If I was free of that bad feeling and I truly love myself, what would I do?
• 24:17
  How would I express myself?
• 24:18
  What would I put out in the world?
• 24:20
  They're often not the same thing.
• 24:22
  And love isn't always soft.
• 24:24
  You know, people think, oh, self love, it must be.
• 24:27
  You're soft sometimes.
• 24:28
  Love is the thing that says, hey, you know, you deserve more.
• 24:33
  You're much more capable.
• 24:34
  Stop doing that and start doing this because you care about where you're Heading and what you're doing, like cooking that proper meal, sending that email, going for that walk, taking care of yourself and really getting yourself out of
• 24:50
  that slump.
• 24:50
  And when it's hard, you really feel disappointed in yourself or you're criticizing yourself and you catch yourself or you're thinking about something that makes you feel bad.
• 25:01
  Just catch yourself and speak to yourself as if you're talking to a cute little puppy that has done something wrong like chewed on a slipper.
• 25:11
  Give yourself compassion and love and understanding and say, hey, let me give you a toy instead.
• 25:19
  Chew on this.
• 25:20
  What is it that would feel make you feel better?
• 25:23
  Like, yeah, you've got this, you can do this.
• 25:25
  Look, I understand it's been hard.
• 25:29
  Be real, be kind to yourself.
• 25:32
  And with that love and acceptance, saying, I know this is hard, I'm here and we can do this, you will then be able to move forward.
• 25:41
  I speak like that to myself all the time now.
• 25:44
  Like, yeah, I get it, it's been tough.
• 25:47
  I still love and accept myself even though I might have made a mistake.
• 25:52
  And now it's got to a point if I break something or if, if I drop something, I'll laugh.
• 25:57
  It's really not.
• 25:58
  I don't even flinch.
• 25:59
  I never tell myself off, but there was a time I would really criticize myself.
• 26:06
  This is so common.
• 26:07
  Someone invites you and straight away your mind says, oh, they're just being polite.
• 26:13
  Or they say something nice and they're saying, yeah, they're just being polite.
• 26:17
  They don't really mean it.
• 26:18
  You never give people a chance to really like you.
• 26:22
  Yeah.
• 26:23
  Model to you that you're worth it.
• 26:25
  You never give people a chance for you to belong.
• 26:29
  Truly, like I matter.
• 26:32
  And here's why that happens.
• 26:34
  Your brain is a prediction machine.
• 26:36
  It's basically predicting everything that's going to happen in the future based on what you've experienced in the past, how you've been treated in the past.
• 26:45
  So you're just repeating that over and over again from a very, very young age.
• 26:50
  So when we're expecting rejection because we've been rejected and not seen and heard when we were younger, we're not even allowing ourselves to see the evidence of the opposite and retraining our brain.
• 27:01
  So watch what's actually happening rather than what your mind is saying.
• 27:07
  Yeah.
• 27:07
  Like, you know, you hear your mind saying these things.
• 27:10
  Well, that's just based on an old prediction.
• 27:12
  It is always assuming the worst and gently say, you know, let's test this prediction.
• 27:20
  Is this true?
• 27:21
  Because I can't be present every time I worry that I'm going to be rejected.
• 27:26
  Because self love is learned through connection.
• 27:30
  Every time you talk yourself out of connection, you're closing the door on self love.
• 27:36
  Something that could really heal you, a new way of being.
• 27:40
  Now this is the part that I really wanted to get to.
• 27:43
  And it changes how you see self love and what it really means.
• 27:48
  Let me ask you something.
• 27:51
  When you notice yourself being harsh, when you catch yourself and that critical voice, which part of you is noticing?
• 28:01
  So if you're noticing, there's two now there's two parts.
• 28:06
  One is you and one is you're noticing something.
• 28:10
  You're seeing something, you're hearing something.
• 28:13
  That's the something.
• 28:14
  That's the voice saying you're not good enough or whatever.
• 28:18
  Think about it.
• 28:19
  You can watch your thoughts, then you can feel your emotions.
• 28:24
  And so when you're feeling sad, you can.
• 28:27
  This is you and you're feeling the emotions.
• 28:30
  You can notice them.
• 28:31
  So you can even see or notice the opinions about yourself.
• 28:36
  And if you can observe something, that means this something isn't you.
• 28:44
  The whole of you.
• 28:45
  Your thoughts, your feelings, your judgments, they're like what people say.
• 28:49
  It's like weather they pass through.
• 28:51
  They're always changing.
• 28:52
  Your mind's always changing.
• 28:55
  You're the one watching it though.
• 28:57
  So here's my question to you.
• 28:59
  The part of you that sees how hard you are on yourself, does that part judge you?
• 29:11
  Is it judging you?
• 29:15
  Most people, when they really look, they find it's not judgment, it just sees.
• 29:24
  There's science that helps us explain why this matters.
• 29:27
  In 2007, a brain imaging study in UCLA, Matthew Lieberman and his team found that simply putting your feelings into words calmed the brain's alarm system, the amygdala, and switched on the areas of the front part of the brain
• 29:45
  that help regulate your emotion.
• 29:48
  So when you can step back and say, wow, my mind is having a really hard day today, saying a lot, and my emotions are doing this.
• 29:58
  You're not ignoring the feeling, you're naming it.
• 30:02
  And by naming it, you're coming into this part.
• 30:06
  And that helps your brain settle.
• 30:08
  It's like you have access to all your resources.
• 30:11
  And why does this matter so much?
• 30:13
  Because your mind is the environment that we mostly live in.
• 30:18
  If you think about it right, like this is you and the next thing that you're living in is all this, the emotions, the feelings, the thoughts that are going on around you.
• 30:29
  Then is the external, right, like the physical stuff that we have around us.
• 30:34
  But first, the main environment that we're Closest to is these thoughts and feelings that we're living in.
• 30:40
  And that's what we're surrounded by.
• 30:42
  And this is what's shaping us.
• 30:46
  They're selling it.
• 30:46
  Oh, you're wrong, you didn't do this.
• 30:48
  And it gets worse.
• 30:49
  So the less kind we are, the more we're living in that.
• 30:53
  It just gets worse and worse and worse.
• 30:55
  But you can choose to spend your time in this part more and more in the watching, in the awareness.
• 31:04
  And the more time you spend here, something happens, you become less judgmental.
• 31:10
  This is what I think is the I am in the teachings.
• 31:16
  I am who I am.
• 31:17
  I am in the purest form.
• 31:21
  Then compassion comes in naturally.
• 31:24
  Love comes in naturally.
• 31:26
  You start to feel present in the now, you start to feel whole in the now.
• 31:32
  And this is how through being here, we learn to master our mind and our emotions and our nervous system.
• 31:40
  And we're not fighting like our mind is arguing with our emotions.
• 31:44
  When we become aware we're stepping outside of those emotions, we're not fighting them, we're watching them in love and responding rather than reacting.
• 31:58
  Letting go of our old limiting conditions is really letting go of this ego and becoming more of the truth of who we are.
• 32:08
  Self love is how we heal these parts, right, that are our mind, our emotions, and that environment that we're living in so that we become more love, in essence.
• 32:21
  Just like that kitten, just like that, that puppy or that baby.
• 32:25
  It's being and it's beautiful.
• 32:29
  Just like a sunrise or a sunset is being.
• 32:33
  And it's incredible in its presence, I am.
• 32:39
  And when you rest there, you discover you don't need to love yourself as if you're two separate people anymore, because you are love.
• 32:47
  And there's moments where you will really be able to feel that peace and love and being.
• 32:57
  And it feels fantastic.
• 32:59
  And it's there.
• 33:00
  You feel that connection.
• 33:01
  For me, it's like I just want to live there all the time.
• 33:05
  And that's the aim, is to spend as much time in that awareness where you have that peace.
• 33:13
  You feel in control, but you're not controlled by your emotions, but you're aware of them.
• 33:20
  I want to be honest with you, you can do this on your own, but it is really slow and it's hard because you're trying to learn something that is built to be learned through connection, through community, for being
• 33:33
  around other people.
• 33:35
  And this is what I do exactly in my beyond program.
• 33:38
  It's about going beyond your conditioning.
• 33:41
  It's a four month immersive container that's Built on my human intelligence framework.
• 33:48
  It's based on science, neuroscience and research, including research on spiritual texts, to recondition the old patterns.
• 33:57
  So you let go of the limitations that are holding you back from expressing your true self and fulfill your potential.
• 34:08
  And the way we do that is through love and awareness.
• 34:11
  We're not pushing harder and fighting and with the criticism, but we're practicing self love every day in a way that helps your brain and body learn a new way of being.
• 34:24
  But this isn't self love for the sake of feeling nice, right?
• 34:28
  Like it's not egotistical.
• 34:30
  It's the opposite, is for a specific outcome that you want in your life.
• 34:34
  Maybe you want to make a difference to the world in some way.
• 34:37
  Maybe you want to achieve something in your life so that you can provide for your family.
• 34:44
  It might be that business, that thing that you feel like you're meant to do.
• 34:47
  Because when there's parts of you that were shaped by self loathing or not understanding, missing that self love, we're not allowing the real self to come through that creator energy to flow through you.
• 35:03
  There's some limitations there.
• 35:06
  And that energy is being stopped from going out into the world.
• 35:11
  And hence it stops your talent.
• 35:15
  We want more of this infinite intelligence, this intelligence to run through you so that you're more of who you actually are.
• 35:23
  It's really hard.
• 35:24
  And in the beyond program, you don't do it alone.
• 35:27
  There's a mastermind, a small group of people that come together live every Monday.
• 35:32
  So I do have limited spaces, but there's also a mentorship.
• 35:36
  You get direct access with me so that you can achieve that goal, whether it's a business goal or a career goal.
• 35:44
  And there's also self mastery, where you're training yourself using tools to help you move into that state of self awareness as much as possible, which you get access to for the rest of your life.
• 36:00
  There's also the connection piece.
• 36:02
  People who see you, believe in you, and reflect back what you can't see in yourself.
• 36:09
  So let's bring this all together.
• 36:11
  Yes, you are the hardest person to love.
• 36:14
  Not because there's something wrong with you, but because you see everything about yourself.
• 36:20
  And that's not a flaw, it's just how close you are to yourself.
• 36:26
  Self love was never meant to be learned alone.
• 36:29
  We learn it through how we're treated.
• 36:32
  And we can relearn it through how people treat us differently.
• 36:36
  When you stop feeling you deserve good things, you start, you stop reaching for them.
• 36:41
  That's conditioning.
• 36:42
  It's not who you are and you can start today to notice how you speak to yourself and choose love over trying to soothe yourself to feel better and yes and start saying yes to connection.
• 36:56
  Start saying yes to connecting and being and putting yourself out there beyond where you are right now.
• 37:03
  And underneath all of that there's this part of you that is so powerful.
• 37:07
  That's the infinite intelligence, that's the life force energy that simply watches the without judgment and is love itself and we want to spend time there and you'll find you don't have to work so hard to love yourself then
• 37:24
  you just do because you are love.
• 37:26
  And if you want to know what's holding you back I have created a free assessment.
• 37:31
  It takes about three minutes and it shows you your core where your core block sits.
• 37:36
  You can go to linktree slash doctoramonkaur and tap on that.
• 37:42
  Take your free assessment.
• 37:44
  The link is also in the show notes as well.
• 37:46
  Thank you so much for being here and if you found this useful please do Share Like Subscribe.