Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / Know your value: Take back your confidence from difficult people

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Know your value: Take back your confidence from difficult people · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

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If you're in a situation where you feel like you're not valued at work, maybe you don't feel valued at home either.
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And then someone comes along and praises you and it's normal and natural to just brush it off, or sometimes you feel triggered by it.
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You find yourself feeling like you want to cry because someone's finally noticed you, validated you.
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And if that's you, any of those situations, I want you to stay with me.
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Because it's the tiny moments that say something about what's big in our life, what's happening in our life, and also the outcomes that we have in our life.
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The problem isn't that you can't receive a compliment.
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It's that there's a part of you that doesn't know your own value anymore because things have happened where your value has been diminished over time through maybe lots of small things.
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And now you're in this situation where you want to change your life, but something's stopping you.
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Today I'm going to share with you those five lessons on why this happens, what's going on in the brain so you can understand yourself and how you can start receiving what, what you're worthy of.
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Because ultimately you do deserve to have the life that you want and stay until the end.
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Because that's typically where everything starts to make sense.
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And lesson four is the one that most people get backwards, including me.
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I got it backwards too.
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My name's Dr.
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Ermin Kaur, and for 20 years I worked in corporate helping people with their careers.
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It was very results driven.
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And I became a partner of a global staffing company.
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And it gave me real insight into how people get hired, how they get promoted, how they grow businesses as well.
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So whether you're trying to build your career or build your business, here's what I have learned.
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What blocks capable people, ambitious people that can achieve their goals is not whether they have enough experience or belief in themselves or their talent or their potential, it's their relationship with themselves.
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That's where it starts.
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And you might have a good relationship with yourself, or you've had it, you've been someone that's achieved a huge amount.
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And then something happened that diminished that relationship with yourself.
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And what we need to do is restore that relationship so you feel confident, you feel like yourself again.
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You feel like you want to live your life to the fullest again.
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Before we go into the lessons, I want to just slow things down, just for a moment.
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Just take your stuff back to the last time someone told you that you did something really well.
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Or maybe someone complimented you.
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What happened?
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How did you react?
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Did you hear a voice saying, I'm not really that good?
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Or did you start critiquing yourself and saying, well, I could have done better.
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It's not that great.
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Or maybe you've been replaying a piece of criticism that you got last week and you're feeling not so sure about yourself.
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There's actually research about this.
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Psychologist Roy Bumeister and his colleagues found that negative feedback tends to hit us harder and stay with us longer than positive feedback.
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And, hey, I think most of us don't need a psychologist to tell us that because we have experienced it within ourselves already.
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So if you're feeling this, you're not broken.
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You're human.
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That's what it means to be human.
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And I know I did this for years as well.
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So while we're together in this podcast, for this episode, just for this short period while me and you, we're together, I want you to give yourself permission just to look at what's really going on without trying to fix
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it and without telling yourself that you need to be different, but actually just to see it with kindness, compassion, and love, knowing that you're doing your best.
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So picture this for a moment.
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You have done some incredible work.
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And then just for one month, say you've been doing it for years.
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You've had this job for a year or two years or maybe 18, and for one month or maybe six months of that time, you've had a terrible manager.
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They dismiss you.
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They don't see your value.
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There's a lot of politics, and it feels like you're not sure what you've done, but you feel like you're being pushed out.
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It doesn't mean that just because you've had that shorter experience that we should erase everything that you've done that's of value before.
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But what tends to happen is that even subconsciously, we start to believe I'm not that good, because that experience at the end made you believe I'm not really that good.
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I don't really make a difference.
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And then everything before that seems to get erased.
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So when you get a new job and your manager says, hey, this presentation is brilliant, I think you're incredible.
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And you've had that experience before where your boss laid you off or something happened, or you've had an experience where you weren't valued, then you might find yourself panicking when that boss actually acknowledges you.
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It feels more like pressure.
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It might be like, oh, no, I have to keep up Appearances or what if I don't keep that going, there's more pressure rather than actually understanding your own value.
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So if that's you, I just want you to know there's nothing wrong.
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It's so common, especially for people that have worked hard for everything that they have.
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They really had to prove their own value.
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But let's go a step deeper because we might think that, okay, I might have a receiving problem.
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Lots of people think this, that I don't know how to receive.
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But let's get to the root of that.
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If you don't know your own value on the inside, we can't tend to receive it from the outside because there's a contradiction now, and our brain doesn't allow it to actually come in.
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It's got nowhere to land because it's not a reference point for us internally.
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Let's look at the science.
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Neuroscientists like David Lidman at John Hopkins and Lisa Feldman Barrett describe the brain as a prediction machine.
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Now, if we can really understand this, it'll really help us no matter what we go into.
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It'll just give you a different perspective on life.
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What our brain is constantly doing is forecasting what's about to happen based on the experiences we've already had.
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So imagine we go back to that example of you've had two years of an incredible, incredible boss, and they really brought out the best in you, and then you've had a terrible boss.
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And what your brain does is it goes to the most painful experience of that job.
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So it'll go to where that you've had that horrible boss.
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And even when you get yourself a new job, you don't actually feel like yourself still, because you're still experiencing that new circumstance based on your old map.
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So even when your new boss says, or they give you work to do that is exciting, and because they believe you can do it, it's almost like, I'm not good enough.
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Pops up.
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It's like something just doesn't feel right.
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And there's enough research on this to back this up, saying that even when you've been laid off and you've been devalued in some way, that experience about yourself doesn't change even if you get a new job.
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So if your map says, I'm only okay when I've worked twice as hard as everybody else and proved my worth, and say, if you haven't worked twice as hard and someone says, hey, this is really good, it's a
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mismatch in your brain and it feels uncomfortable and your mind might even know, look, I'm competent, I am really skillful at this.
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But your feeling doesn't feel comfortable and unfortunately our feelings win.
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So we will tend to push the praise away as if it's not there.
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There's a famous experiment, it was done in 1970s with kittens.
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And what researchers did, they raised kittens where they were only ever saw vertical stripes.
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So they were in an environment, they only saw vertical stripes.
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When they were older they took them out and then they showed them a horizontal bar.
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But the kittens didn't seem to notice them.
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It was though they couldn't see the horizontal bar, they couldn't see horizontal things as if it wasn't there.
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If the brain hasn't been trained to see something, it won't see it even if it's there in reality.
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So when you've had a toxic boss or a toxic relationship, or someone that doesn't see you, see your value, see your worth, then suddenly someone comes along and starts seeing you, it will feel uncomfortable, as if what are
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they like?
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What's in it for them?
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We're almost suspicious because we haven't been trained to accept that this is who you are.
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So we are like kittens.
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Pretty much.
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Whatever we've been trained to see is what we see.
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And what we want to do with our brain is start to see other possibilities for us so we can go beyond our current situation and change our life.
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That's where we need to always uncover the belief underneath.
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If it might be something like if life is really easy or if this change is really easy, then maybe I don't deserve it.
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Or if you've had parents like mine who always used to bless them, say to me, work hard, then you're more inclined to stay late over deliver and not be valued for it, maybe not be paid for it because
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you have to work harder than everyone else and struggle then feels like the price of being allowed to have a job, for instance, and especially right now, I hear so many people say it's so hard to get a
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job because of AI.
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That's another belief that we're being placed, put into.
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If there's jobs out there, it's possible for you to get one.
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Yes, it might be competitive, but it's important for us to do the inner and the outer work to make sure we align.
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So if you're giving everything and it still feels like it's not enough, I want you to hear this because the answer isn't going to be more effort, it's actually letting in what you've already done and being able to
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see it and value it within yourself.
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So let's try this just for the next time someone praises you, I just want you to try and say thank you and not worry about trying to explain yourself.
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Just thank you.
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And notice what your body does.
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That's information.
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And no matter what your body does, no judgment, that's information.
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There's no failure in this.
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Let's move on to number two, now that we're talking about judgment.
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Because I genuinely believe, like, if we look around the world and society, I think most of us have been passed down a disease of judgment.
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Some people are judging, always others criticizing others, and that's how they have control over people.
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And others feel judged and hence they work harder.
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I had a handyman over recently who was quite interested in trying to work, trying to understand who am I and what am I about.
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And it was so insightful because I realized that he also, and we also, anyone that judges us, people around us are also kittens.
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And if I don't fit into a particular box that he has that he's already been trained in to seeing me, then he's not going to be able to see who I am.
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This is really important because if there are people in your life that can't see who you really are, it may be because they never got the training.
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And ask yourself right now, who is not seeing you right now?
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And how can I explain myself to people who don't have the training to see me?
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It might be they can't see you because they don't have the capacity to.
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And for the ones that don't want to see you, don't want to value you, there's nothing you can do to change that.
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Let's move on to something else that's so important is because when we are around people that do judge us, it's quite normal to feel shame, guilt, fear.
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And in my experience, they share one root, which is there is a fear of being judged either by others or by ourself within ourself.
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It feels terrible even when we're judging ourself.
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And the truth is we all carry some shame, things that we wish we had done differently.
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We judge ourselves as if we tell ourselves off enough for the bad things that we've done or the things that we wish we hadn't done, that actually that shame will somehow make things okay.
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But no, it doesn't.
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It just limits us further.
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It's not helping anybody feeling bad about who we are and what we did.
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And I believe you didn't come here to experience limitations, you came on this earth to overcome them.
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So shame is something we're meant to dissolve, transmute, overcome by bringing love and compassion to ourselves for being human.
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Everybody makes mistakes over and over again.
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We need to bring that love to ourselves, that self forgiveness.
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And it's really important.
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Psychologist June Tankley has studied this for decades.
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Guilt says I did something bad, but shame, shame says I am bad.
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And where there's shame, we just want to hide it.
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Look, if I'm bad, I don't want you seeing my badness.
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I want to pretend I'm good.
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I'm hiding my badness.
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I'm hiding my shame from you wherever I go.
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So when we deflect a compliment, what's really happening is that we're hiding that, that feeling, that contradiction of.
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And we're trying not to face the contradiction of I am bad.
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So hence we bat it away.
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So in essence, what we want to do is actually release as much shame and guilt and all those horrible feelings within ourself, no matter what we did.
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Because that way we can let in the good stuff.
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Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance.
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When there's on the outside, someone's telling you you're doing a great job or you're a good person, and inside we don't feel that.
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It's a term from Leon Fessinger.
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It's the discomfort of holding two things that contradict each other.
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And it's the quickest way is to say, hey, we just push it away.
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We try not to even let it touch us like a compliment.
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And this isn't only in your head either.
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A major review of 208 stress studies by Sally Dickerson and Margaret Kemeny found that our biggest stress hormone responses come from being judged.
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And we can't control the outcome.
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Think about that terrible boss or that terrible situation where you had no control.
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That's exactly the situation.
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It's really tough.
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So if receiving or having love or feels risky, it feels, it triggers, it feels uncomfortable and your body is trying to protect you from it, it makes complete sense.
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That's why it makes sense around self sabotage.
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And it means something really important, you can change it.
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So if you were laid off or something happened in your life and now you feel like you can't get hired or you feel stuck at a certain level, there's work to do on reducing the shame around it.
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First.
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First, let's face it, take the courage you're strong enough to just face what you feel within yourself and just that Alone can start to shift things where you start to have more peace within yourself.
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Sometimes we can't receive good stuff because receiving would mean being different from where we came from as well.
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There's an element of identity shifting.
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Say if you end up earning more than your parents did, or being seen as a successful one, maybe that means that you'll be ostracized.
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Part of our worries are that if we fully step into our value, we're going to lose our place.
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When people start saying, oh, who does she think she is?
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Or he is.
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But the truth is, who the hell do they think they are to hold you back?
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Seriously, just imagine we put ourselves into the Creator or God or the universe, whatever it is that you truly believe in.
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And they were looking at these people that were limiting others by saying things like, you can't do that, or you're not a good person or whatever it is.
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Can you imagine what the Creator or God or the universe would be looking and thinking at the person that is trying to limit the other?
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They'd be laughing, right, you've got it all wrong.
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And they'd be looking at the person and saying, this is my child.
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They are limitless.
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I really struggled with this myself.
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But yet.
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And the thing here is, there's a cost if you let others limit you.
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There really is.
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And the cost isn't just to you.
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As soon as you start fulfilling your potential, you allow others to fulfill theirs too, because you're giving everybody else the potential to rise.
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And if you've been through loss, whether it's bereavement, a layoff, divorce, or an ending that you didn't choose, something happened.
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Then things get louder in our own mind, in our own head, because loss shakes the brain map we have that is predicting from.
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Okay, so let's just look at if you were given a map similar to me.
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Work hard, you will have a house, you will have a family, you will have a good job, you will be happy, you will be successful.
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And that was your formula for success.
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And you did it all.
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You did it as much as you could.
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You tried to align to everything you were told to do, but you got it.
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And then you lost it.
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You didn't get the result that they said, now what?
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So when someone says, you're really good at something, it can feel like they're talking about the person I used to be.
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And now I'm not that person anymore because I did this or this happened.
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And it's not just emotional.
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Lyndon points to research showing that grief affects our whole body including the heart.
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Loss is real in our biology.
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So please don't tell yourself, I should be over this or it shouldn't affect me, I should be stronger.
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That's just one more judgment your body doesn't need.
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Instead, try this.
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When the voice of judgment says, I shouldn't be in this situation, I should be further along, I don't think I can do this.
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Ask yourself, what would I say to someone I love?
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Truly?
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How would you talk to someone that you love and then talk that way?
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You'd encourage them, right?
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Lesson three.
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Here's why we can't see our own value.
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It's really important.
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You might be able to help everybody else, but the truth is you cannot see your whole value yourself.
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It's not in full view.
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You have to work at seeing it.
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Because imagine you're on Instagram for a moment or some other social media, whatever you are on most of the time, and it looks like everyone else has it.
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They've got all these amazing photos of where they go to dine or whatever it is that you keep getting on your feed.
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And we then start to set our strengths, and then we set their strengths so whatever they're good at against what we're not good at.
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So that comparison goes straight to judgment instead of curiosity.
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Curiosity is creative.
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But when we stop asking, what am I good at?
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What makes me uniquely me?
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I'll give you an example.
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When I was quite a young leader, I was quite.
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I didn't really know what I was doing, but I believe in people.
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I heard that there was this woman in the organization that was gonna get managed out, and her manager, he's really good at hitting his own targets.
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But the truth was, he wasn't very good.
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He wasn't very good as a people, like a leader.
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And everyone was saying, yeah, she's just not good.
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She's not performing.
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And I looked at her and I thought, you know, she's really good at organization.
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She was like a queen, organizational queen.
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I just thought she was brilliant at that.
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And I'm guaranteeing if I ever saw her now, she'd probably, probably still be incredible at that.
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So they said to me, okay, if you think you can do something, why don't you take her then into your team?
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And I said, okay, I'll take her on board.
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And I took her.
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And what we did, we focused on her strengths, on organization first.
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I actually didn't realize at the time.
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Now, actually, in understanding the science behind it, the first thing I managed to do for her was shift her sense of safety.
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Because if you're in a situation where a boss is disapproving of you and they want to manage you out, it's something that your nervous system can pick up even if you're not aware of it.
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Something just doesn't feel right.
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And then she came into my team and all I was doing was focusing on what she was good at.
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And there was a sense of safety because I was looking at what she was good at as well.
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So she built her confidence by seeing and experiencing her own value.
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Before long, everyone was asking, wow, she's really good.
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And I even had a director asking me, like, why did you get her?
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As if like, first they were trying to get rid of her and then they were asking, why did you get her?
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Fighting over her.
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So the problem was never her.
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If we really look at it, what was happening was that she was being measured against someone else's strengths that didn't align with her.
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So that's why I never expected anyone in my team to hit the same KPIs in the same way.
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My job was to find out what made each person unique and help them double down on that KPI, that one KPI.
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And then they would get the revenue results in their own way based on their own strengths.
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And the research backs this up as well.
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Social comparison research goes back to Liam Fessinger in the 1950s.
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A review of more than 60 years of that research found that when we compare ourselves with people who seem better, the most common result is that we rate our own abilities lower.
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And it might not even be true.
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Right.
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That's just a side note.
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And then we keep choosing to do it.
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The psychologist Simi Vasup found that when it comes to things like how intelligent or creative we are, our friends often judge us more accurately than we can judge ourself.
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So there's a blind spot here.
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You cannot know your own values.
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Sometimes someone else has to see it for you.
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That woman that worked with me when I was quite young as a team leader, she didn't know her own strength.
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It was because I was able to see it in comparison to other people in my team.
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So look, try this.
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This week, ask people who know your work to see when you're in your at your best, what is it that you do?
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And then write it down, what they're saying.
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Don't argue with it, just get curious and then think, okay, how do I double down on this?
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Or how do I find someone that can help me know what it is that my value, where my value lies.
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So.
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So you can double down on it.
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It will change your life.
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It can literally go from you struggling to excelling to breaking through that next barrier.
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Okay, now let's go to lesson four, the one that most people get backwards.
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That was including myself.
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You might be thinking if I go easy on myself, I'm going to lose my edge because we have to beat ourself up and tell ourselves how we need to be better all the time.
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But honestly it's the opposite.
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And it took me years to understand this.
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Your body, your feelings and your thoughts are all deeply connected.
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This is scientific.
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Linden describes the body constantly is sending signals up to the brain and the brain is sending signals back down.
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And neuroscientist Amy Arnstein's work shows that when we're under stress, the prefrontal cortex goes offline.
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That's the part of the brain that plans and problem solves.
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So if you're feeling stressed, you can't problem solve as well.
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And self compassion changes how your body handles stress.
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In one study, women were given a short self compassion practice to do before a stressful speech in front of judges.
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Compared with the other groups, their bodies stayed calmer and they felt less anxious.
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So self love isn't fluff, it's not woo woo.
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It's the best and the most effective way of regulation.
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Love, self love is so great.
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To get you back into your problem solving brain, there's a therapy called the internal family systems is developed by Richard Swartz which describes parts of us that have been exiled.
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So imagine going back to that whole thing where we're all carrying some shame and those shame parts that we're carrying as shame, they've been exiled, we ignore them or we avoid them as much as possible.
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And the way I see it, those parts are reaching for connection because our brain is wired for connection.
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And every all the time we're given chance after chance after chance to heal.
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Those parts that say I'm no good, I want to hide those triggers are basically saying, hey, I'm here, hello, can you please heal me?
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And I want to share something that really moved me.
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David Linden was told that he had months to live.
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And he described feeling furious and deeply grateful at the same time.
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And as a scientist, he assumed that the mind holds just one state at a time because it's like you can't have more than one state at the same time.
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But he realised that in his own experience, his illness showed him otherwise.
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So many of us wait until we feel okay before we're kind to ourselves.
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But it's Easy to be kind and loving towards yourself when things are good.
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But can you be scared and be kind to yourself at the same time?
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You don't have to pick.
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You don't have to.
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I can only be kind to myself if I get everything right.
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So let's try something together.
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If you're driving, then just listen and you can try this later.
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Imagine the voice in your head that judges you all the time as a person that's standing next to you.
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And just hear what they're saying.
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They might be saying things like, you should be further along.
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You don't know enough.
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Who do you think you are?
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It's not going to work for you.
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Notice how that feels in your body.
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Maybe you feel your chest tighten, maybe you feel like crying even.
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And now I want you to imagine someone beside you, someone who loves you so much.
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And they say, you know what?
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This is new, and it's okay.
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You're allowed to get this wrong.
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I know you're going to do this.
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You're going to be fine.
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You've got this.
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Notice what happens in your body.
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It might be a little bit of relief.
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You might feel a sense of self, compassion.
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Maybe a bit of sadness comes out.
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But that voice that tells you you're not good enough, it just makes you feel like you want to contract the other one.
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Even though it might trigger some emotions, it's expansive.
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Even the scared parts, the ones that are moaning at us, the ones that criticizing us all the time, it's trying to protect us.
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It's trying to protect us maybe from a scared part.
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And those parts just want love.
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So you get to choose which voice you practice more.
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And when you practice the loving one, the exiled parts start to come home.
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That shame starts to release.
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And there's an ease, there's a relief, there's a sense of, oh, it's going to be okay.
33:04
Lesson five.
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I want you to think about a toddler taking their first steps.
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They're so delighted when they're starting to walk.
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And it's not because of where they're going.
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They're delighted because they're walking.
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It's like, oh, my gosh, I'm doing this.
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And I don't think they're thinking, oh, I'm valuable now.
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They're.
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They feel it in their body, in the moment of doing it.
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And the way I see it, there's something running through all of us.
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Life force, energy, you might call it the creator, God, the universe, whatever it is that you believe in.
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And each of us expresses that energy in our own way when you're expressing rather than proving when something doesn't go right.
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It's not anything personal, it's not anything about you not being good enough.
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It's just like, oh, that didn't work, but what do I do next?
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And here's something else that Lyndon noticed when he was diagnosed.
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Five more years would have felt like such an amazing gift.
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All the things that he could do.
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But before his diagnosis, if he had been told that he had five years left, he probably would have felt cheated.
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But yet same five years in completely different scenarios.
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We value in completely different ways.
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We judge value against what we're expecting.
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So if your old map expects very little of you, even when good things come, we still feel small.
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And if your map says you have to prove yourself, even praise can feel like pressure.
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Now picture two people starting the same thing.
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A new role, a new business.
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The first looks and says, this has to work or I'm finished.
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And the second says, I'm going to bring everything I'm good at to this.
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I'm going to pour my everything into this and I'm going to learn from whatever happens.
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And I know I'll get there eventually.
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However long it takes, I'm willing to do it.
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I'm just going to get better and better and better.
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The first is building from fear, so every result feels like a verdict about them.
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The second is building from expression.
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So setback is information.
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Psychologists Jennifer Crocker and Connie Wolf found that when our self worth depends on outcomes, setbacks hit us much harder because it hits who we are.
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Robert Van Duran's research shows that passion driven by pressure leads to rigid persistence and burnout.
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But passion comes from genuine enjoyment that lasts.
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So over time, the second person is the one that's going to keep going, not because they care less, but because a setback doesn't cost them the sense of who they are.
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And here's the hopeful part.
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Lyndon has spent his career studying how experience changes the brain.
36:21
When therapy works, it works because it changes the brain's biology.
36:28
And I really do believe that is the truth.
36:31
So every time you express your value and you receive it, you give your brain new evidence to predict from.
36:39
You're drawing a new map.
36:41
You're going beyond your current map.
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So try this.
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Pick one strength this week and use it on purpose.
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Notice how it feels while you're doing it.
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Not just the result, but the experience of it.
36:57
And here's what I want you to take with you.
37:01
Know your value, express your value and receive your value.
37:06
And every Time you go around this, you'll know more, you'll express more and receive more.
37:13
And before I go, I want to speak to the person who's been holding it all together.
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The reliable one, the capable one, the responsible one.
37:21
Somewhere along the lines you've learned that your value was something you had to keep earning.
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I want you to consider that it was never something you had to earn.
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It's already within you.
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Just like the toddler taking its first steps, it's in the things you do so naturally that you don't notice them.
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Your job isn't to become more, it's to let yourself see what is already true about you so others can see it too.
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That's not selfish.
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It's how you get the best version of yourself out into the world.
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And in a world of AI.
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I think it's what everybody needs right now, to know your value and to own it, to express it and put it out there so that more and more of us as a society can rise in our overall vibration
38:13
and frequency.
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As Dr.
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David Hawkins describes in his work, it's about uplifting society through what you put out there.
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And it starts with you.
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It frustrates me that there's so many incredible people out there held back only because they don't believe in themselves and there's some limitations that need to go.
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And if that's you, I would love to help you.
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Let's change your life and the lives of all the people around you that are waiting for you.
38:46
And if that is something you want to do, the first thing you can do is take a three minute quiz at amon core.com quiz.
38:53
That's a M E N K A U R.com quiz.
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I'll put it in the show notes as well and it will show you what could be holding you back and where to start.
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Remember, love, self compassion are the way forward.
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Let's let go of everything that's holding us back.
39:14
And if this episode has been of value to you, please do leave a review on Apple or a rating on Spotify.
39:21
It really helps the show reach more people so we can all do our bit to make the world a better place.
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And I really appreciate it.
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I'm sending you so much love.
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Till next time.