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The Self Talk Traps- Most People Don't See · Enough & Evolving

• Tyona Vallejo: Hello and welcome to Enough In Evolving Podcast. I'm your host, Tyona Vallejo, master certified life coach and mindfulness expert, you reclaim confidence, break through unhelpful patterns and manifest the relationships and life you desire. Now let's get started. If you're listening to this and you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, this is exactly the work I do inside my coaching. This isn't something you have to figure out alone. If you're ready to feel more confident, grounded, and self-trusting, I'd love to support you. Check out the show notes to book a consultation coaching call today. Hey there, friends. Welcome back to the podcast. If you're listening for the first time, welcome. So glad to have you here. am so excited about what we're talking about this week. What ⁓ the thing sabotaging your confidence isn't your circumstances, but the way you speak to yourself ⁓ every Today we're diving into ⁓ Self-talk. We're going to talk about some of the most common patterns that I see in my clients and women in midlife. These patterns become the unconscious traps that keep many of us in a state of stress and dysregulation in our nervous system. And by bringing awareness to them, can empower yourself and create more ease and joy in your life. Today I'll be sharing the three patterns that I see most often, and that includes dramatic language, obligatory language, the have to trap, self-defeating language. Stay with me till the end, and you'll also learn ⁓ to shift out of these sabotaging languages and into a more empowered mindset. So ⁓ ⁓ in. ⁓ Now, dramatic language. What do I mean by that? It sounds a lot like an exaggeration. Like have I never have enough time. I never have enough money. I never have enough support. You get the picture, right? Or I have to do everything in on my own. I ⁓ always stuck with this or that. Or Everything falls on me, ⁓ works out the way I plan. You can see that everything, always, this language creates this sense ⁓ of all or nothing, ⁓ ⁓ a heaviness, it the suffering that involved around the subject, right? Our naturally love to over-generalize, but This little white lie, these exaggerations, can be so harmful. They lead to so much internal suffering. While they may seem kind of funny in the moment at times, ⁓ what they're doing is they're causing your nervous system to react and you're teaching your brain what to expect. See, your brain has a filtering system that focuses on information that you program as important. For instance, senses take in about ⁓ ⁓ bits of external data per second. However, to minimize our energy usage, our conscious mind only takes in. 10 bits per second. What does this mean? means that our minds are wired to perceive ⁓ what we program ourselves to look for, not for the full truth of what is. And that is why what you train your mind to see and believe becomes this self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe in the past you've had that experience where were doing some car shopping and you wanted to get, say, a white Mercedes ⁓ Benz. And all of a sudden, ⁓ as you're looking around, you start seeing these white Mercedes ⁓ everywhere, This is your reticular activating system. It's that filtering system that has your brain just specifically focusing your energy on what you're deeming as important. when you're car shopping, that's fun, right? That really it helps you out look for what you're wanting. It's not that there are like so many more of these cars all of a sudden. That just came into existence. It's just that your brain has now filtered what you're seeing, you are seeing what it is that you're believing is important to you. Now, can work against you when you're having that dramatic self-talk says, I Always have to pick up after everyone in the house, or I never have any my family members consider my or whatever. ⁓ Whenever you're ⁓ that kind dialogue, it's intensifying your emotional suffering ⁓ and it's teaching brain to always look for those instances that evidence that supports that belief. Yuck, right? Who wants that? Of course, you wouldn't. And I'm not sharing this with you so that you use this information against you. This is all new, most likely. Don't use any of this against you, use it for you. that you know ⁓ dramatic language can. Do to your energy, to your nervous system, to your mindset, become more aware of it. Call yourself out. When you're noticing yourself saying these things, pause for a moment and actually tell the truth. The truth is just in this moment, I'm feeling like this specific thing is falling on me. And then maybe even question that. Now, let's move on to the second trap that I see a lot of people fall into. And definitely I myself have had my share and do fall into these three categories at times as well. So it is important to create awareness around them. And that is the obligatory language that have to trap. That we tend to fall into. When we're using this type of language, ⁓ buying into this identity ⁓ ⁓ needs don't matter because I have to do this. And we're that my desires ⁓ basically important. And undervalued perception becomes your identity. Now think about it when you have a particular thought. belief or a mindset that affects your body. You might feel like your posture slumps forward. You may feel a heaviness in your shoulders. Your diaphragm will become compressed, leading to shallow breathing and a decrease of the blood flow and energy in your body. When you're feeling that way, of course, you don't feel like you have a lot of motivation or excitement about life because life will then feel like a burden. So this language of I have to do I have to do that really steals ⁓ your joy. It becomes your identity. that obligatory language cultivates so much resentment and a victim mindset, leaving you feeling powerless. Now imagine for a moment that you start to shift this pattern from I have to into I want to. Now, some of you might say, now I don't. I don't want to. ⁓ is the whole point, my friend. When you say I have to, you're abandoning yourself. You're forcing yourself to do things against your truth. Or at least that's what you're telling yourself. And yet you may still argue with me, but I I have to take care of my responsibilities. I have to take care of my kids. I have to clean the house. I have to pay the bills. I have to make dinner for my family. And the reality is, you don't. You're just choosing to see this a demand on yourself when in actuality you always have a choice. Take that in for a moment. You always have a choice. You have a choice to believe you have to, believe that you choose to. Notice differently those two land in your mind, ⁓ your You have a choice to say, yes, I want to do this, or no, this does not align with me. You have a choice to take care of your responsibilities ⁓ to do any of it. Will you have consequences? ⁓ of course. We always have consequences. And the current consequences you're creating for yourself is a life. Ub imprisonment. If you want to feel more free, have the key to unlock yourself from the illusion of burden. You can choose to own ⁓ choice you make. And when you do this, you yourself with your power. You stop creating the identity ⁓ of who is undervalued. Unsupported or a martyr to someone who owns her decisions and creates the life that you desire. I can remember a time ⁓ was feeling ⁓ a ⁓ of resentment ⁓ towards my ⁓ ⁓ And we were having a family party. And I was noticing that state of having to do everything make else happy and ⁓ It was during this time that I was first working with a coach and I was realizing this concept that don't have to do everything that my mind is believing that I do. ⁓ and At that moment, my son was in swimming pool and was running around house trying to make sure everything was perfect and trying to put everything out. And then I just and I thought, wouldn't it be fun to just go jump in the pool with him? And I did it. I did it. I myself free from this idea that ⁓ needed to do X, and Z ⁓ for party. And I let myself go jump in the pool. And it ⁓ was the most feeling. ⁓ And I was present with him ⁓ enjoying that moment will never forget that ⁓ of permission ⁓ to live by. And ⁓ There wasn't anything that I had missed or or fallen short on at end of the day, the party was fine and it wonderful. mean, yes, people came in the door and I was in the pool, ⁓ and that was My husband just had to tell him where I was. ⁓ And so ⁓ The point being is you always get to choose taking time to really decide what is most aligned for you is you support yourself, how you take care of your energy. So The third final pattern that I notice in clients most people is that there is this ⁓ that ⁓ we have, it a like I'm behind, I'm such a mess. ⁓ Nothing works out for me. I'm too much. I'm too emotional. I'm so dumb. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm too old. Or I'm not worthy. And if that sounds like you, know you are alone. This is again ⁓ so And noticing. The emotional effects that these thoughts create is raising your consciousness. Noticing the identity that you ⁓ ⁓ you are believing these things, the that follow these thoughts is so essential to Shifting out of these self-defeating responses. Now these limiting thoughts are ⁓ most likely on repeat they're your nervous system. So that if you're facing a challenge and your mind automatically starts rattling off these thoughts, then your nervous system gets cued into danger. And your body goes into fight or flight. So of course you feel stressed, your jaw tightens, your stomach clenches, and you're in a state of dysregulation in your nervous system. That is now prompting anxiety, creating this cycle. Then you start thinking those thoughts more. So if you've been in this cycle, feeding on itself. And again, the awareness is the first step to the cycle. Now. When you notice the thoughts spiraling in the moment, are two options to soothe yourself. Number one, ⁓ a thought dump. out a blank piece of paper and let all of these thoughts onto the paper. Just your mind just throw up those thoughts, ⁓ right? That can be very cathartic way of getting all of this out of your head and ⁓ Separating yourself from these thoughts. Number two, most likely, you'll need to regulate your nervous system. So that means to go into your body, not fight the thoughts your mind trying to arm wrestle mentally. Instead, go into your body. Find a quiet space. Where you can place your hands on your heart, you can breathe in and remind yourself that are safe, that it's safe to experience the ⁓ situation that you're experiencing, that you are present. Continuing to breathe, And when you practice this, you regulation, you'll come back to the present moment. Create a sense of groundedness so that your mind isn't reeling into those spiraling thoughts. This is what real self-love is. is what real self-compassion looks like. Recognizing you are going off the tracks and bringing yourself back to inner safety. You can create positive affirmations. Just make sure that they're believable. They have to be felt for them to work. I'm gonna do a separate podcast all about affirmations coming up soon so keep an eye out for that. Now, quick note: your goal isn't perfection here. Your mind will always offer you lots of varying degrees of thoughts. And that's okay. That's totally human. What's important is to increase your awareness of what you're believing and to practice intentional self-talk. Repetition is what creates new neuropathways. So whatever you are repeatedly thinking, that's what is going to get strengthened. if you want to change the pattern, you need to practice repeating the new thoughts. This week I invite to become aware. ⁓ your mind is saying And to imagine what might change in your life if you chose a more empowering statement. How might your nervous system shift, or maybe your body change? To step into a new version of yourself, this is the work that will create emotional safety, self-trust, nervous system regulation, and allow you to embody a new identity. Now, thank you so much for spending time with me today. If you enjoyed what you heard, please scroll to the bottom of this episode and leave a comment. Your reviews help the podcast get out to more people, and it's greatly appreciated. So thank you for your time and reviews. always, I appreciate your presence and I want to remind you, you are enough and you're ⁓ evolving.