Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / How to Change Your Life in One Day (5 Steps)

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How to Change Your Life in One Day (5 Steps) · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

0:00
How to change your life in one day.
0:02
Five steps.
0:03
And if you can, you might need pen and paper.
0:07
If you're on a walk or you're doing something, don't worry.
0:10
Every now and again, pause this and just speak into your phone or come back to it when you can.
0:16
Before we start, think of the thing that you keep meaning to change.
0:20
Maybe you say yes when you mean to say no, and then you resent it quietly all week.
0:26
Maybe you want to start that business and you just don't seem to have the confidence you need.
0:31
Or something keeps stopping you.
0:32
Maybe you have the work finished, but you just can't put it out there for people to see.
0:38
Maybe it's the book that you know that you've got in you where you can make such a difference.
0:42
Maybe you give and give and give, at home, at work, everywhere you go.
0:47
And maybe you think it's being reliable, or you go quiet when it matters the most because you've got something important to say.
0:56
And maybe you bought the course, you've read the books and you're still in the same position, meaning to put something out in the world and you know you're meant to do something, but you still can't do it.
1:08
Knowing has never been enough, though.
1:11
And there's real science behind this from a lifelong addiction scientist who wasn't looking to find it and found it anyway.
1:21
This is going to be your ticket to freedom, because there's a pattern behind why nothing you've tried has held.
1:28
I know it because it kept me from seeing my own value and kept me hidden for years.
1:34
And I've seen it in almost every person I've worked with when they first come and see me.
1:40
And at the fifth step, this is what nobody teaches, which is why change doesn't hold.
1:47
We're going to give you the steps, each one of them, so you can do it.
1:51
And at the end, if you want to know which of these patterns is running the show for you, I've built a short quiz that tells you and I'll give you the link at the end.
2:01
So let's start.
2:02
Research shows that change does not happen when you try harder.
2:07
And it doesn't have to happen gradually, either, or slowly over years.
2:12
It can happen all at once, just like that, including for people who've been stuck for decades.
2:18
So what's actually happening then?
2:21
It happens when your value reorganizes.
2:25
So let me explain.
2:26
Let's see, where did this come from?
2:29
William Miller was a clinical psychologist at the University of New Mexico who spent his whole Career on addiction and behavior change.
2:38
He co developed motivational interviewing, which is one of the most effective approaches we have for helping people change their habits.
2:47
So he was the last person on this earth who should be reporting what he found.
2:53
He kept meeting people who'd been stuck for years.
2:57
People with severe addictions, People with long depressions.
3:01
And then all of a sudden, they change.
3:04
Something clicked inside of them, and in one moment, they changed.
3:09
The old version of them was no more.
3:12
He put a request into the local paper Asking anyone who had suddenly changed their life to come forward.
3:19
He didn't expect it, but the response buried him.
3:23
He found so many people, and there was two kinds of people.
3:27
The first was people that had this sudden realization about something that they already knew but had never allowed themselves to look at.
3:38
It was like a fear of emotion, maybe fear of seeing what was really going on.
3:43
And if you're really honest, and I know that I've been here, it's something that most people go through when they need to change.
3:52
It's like you don't want to see what's obvious.
3:56
The second kind of change is people who can't explain rationally at all.
4:00
It's like, I don't know.
4:03
There was a sense of presence and a certainty.
4:06
I had this inner knowing that just came out of nowhere.
4:10
You might call it divine intervention.
4:12
But that's why so many people turn to God, the creator, religion, to make those changes.
4:20
When there's a change to be had, that's for instance, addiction.
4:25
Both kinds shared the same three features, Such, so let's look at what they were.
4:31
They were vivid.
4:32
People could describe them in detail afterwards.
4:36
The way you can describe exactly where you were when you had some bad news.
4:41
And normally these kind of things happen in the middle of a completely ordinary day.
4:46
It's not through trying to make the change.
4:49
They're just going about their life and then doing the same old thing.
4:52
They had clarity and it lasted.
4:56
I had one of these, and more likely than not, you have too.
5:01
Mine arrived on an ordinary evening.
5:03
And the thought was, is this what I want?
5:07
For my children to feel exactly what I'm feeling right now?
5:12
And once I asked the question, I couldn't unsee it.
5:16
It was like, am I really asking for my child to experience this?
5:21
And I couldn't pretend either.
5:23
And I'll come back to this because it's step three.
5:27
But here's the finding that matters most for you.
5:30
And it's the reason this episode exists.
5:33
When Miller asked these people what had actually changed, none of them Talked about willpower, or pushing through or working harder or hustling.
5:41
None of them.
5:43
They talked about what mattered to them.
5:46
The whole hierarchy of values had rearranged inside of themselves.
5:52
Things that used to feel important, maybe status, money, or other people's opinions, judgments, they all dropped away.
6:02
Things that felt abstract, like connection, meaning integrity, started moving more to the center.
6:10
It's like they became more real.
6:12
And they hadn't decided to do that either.
6:15
Different things had simply become obviously more important to them than had never been before.
6:22
So your whole set of priorities shifted in a moment, which makes sense when you look at biology.
6:28
When we feel judged, when we feel fear, that puts us in survival.
6:33
And it's so hard to change anything from a survival mode.
6:39
And neurobiologically that makes sense too, because your whole body's job is to keep you in the state that keeps you safe.
6:49
But when we feel safe and when we feel connected, when something else matters more change becomes available.
6:58
So there's two ways to attempt change.
7:00
You can push against a behavior while the values stay the same.
7:05
So if your values are exactly the same, you can do whatever you want to.
7:09
You'll get to a point where you exhaust yourself and you give up and you start believing it's not possible for you.
7:15
Or you focus on shifting your values, knowing that once you shift your values, your behavior changes.
7:23
And then there's no fight.
7:25
Which tells you something about why gradual change sometimes fails.
7:31
When you try and change the behavior without touching the value structure underneath it, nothing really changes.
7:38
And it's not discipline.
7:40
It's because our identity is still attached to the old version, the old value system.
7:48
Because when you change your value system, it's like you're changing your identity.
7:54
But if you're focused on pushing through and working harder, you're working on the wrong layer.
8:00
It'll inevitably end up in burnout.
8:03
Now let's write down what you want to stop.
8:05
This is where the pen and paper and voice notes come in.
8:08
Because before you can change a value structure, you have to be able to see what it's producing.
8:14
We have to see that.
8:15
Okay, right now, my values are this.
8:17
And it's producing this outcome.
8:20
So write down or speak into your phone the behaviors you want to stop.
8:24
Because every behavior, however self destructive, makes complete sense when you start seeing the system that is producing it.
8:32
Because the truth is, everything is a system.
8:34
If you look in nature, it's all about systems.
8:36
Every habit is a system.
8:38
It's like a set of instructions you keep running over and over.
8:42
So when you read the outcomes that you want to change.
8:47
It's not you, it's your system running it.
8:51
So let's reflect on what is it that you want to stop.
8:54
Write down some of the outcomes that you don't like.
8:59
Now, before you start judging yourself, I want to remind you of something.
9:03
Everything is a system in nature.
9:05
Any habit is a system that you are just repeating over and over again.
9:10
It's like a set of instructions that you keep running over.
9:14
And a lot of the time, it's unconscious.
9:17
So before you start judging yourself, you need to stop.
9:20
What we want to do, though, is take the outcomes.
9:23
Okay?
9:23
The outcome is, I eat a lot of chocolate.
9:26
Okay, I got a sugar addiction.
9:28
But instead of me looking at my behavior and thinking, oh, I have no discipline.
9:32
I'm terrible, I can look at those sets of behavior and think, hey, I know that I comfort, eat.
9:41
Okay, let's look at behind that.
9:43
So what is running that behavior?
9:46
It's underneath all of that, it's that same old thing.
9:50
I don't value myself.
9:51
I felt no value for myself.
9:53
I hid myself.
9:55
It's like I'm getting comfort because I don't feel valuable.
10:00
That's what's really running this.
10:03
So here's why your list looks the way it does.
10:06
When you are a child, surviving meant staying connected to the people that care for you.
10:11
So you learnt very, very fast that you earned your love doing certain things and that you got punished if you did other things and you learned your own values from them.
10:24
Your value system that is running right now, a lot of your value structure doesn't come from you.
10:32
It was taught to you.
10:34
So if we really want to change the outcomes in our life, we need to look at our values like Miller is telling us.
10:41
And then we have to see, okay, where did the old values come from?
10:45
Ah, they probably came from my culture, my parents, my this, my conditioning, and that's producing this outcome.
10:53
Okay?
10:54
So if I want to have a different behavior, I need to change my values, so I need to create my own value system.
11:01
Systems are what changes our lives.
11:05
It can save your life in so many ways, but it isn't a character reference on who you are, and it shouldn't produce shame.
11:14
Shame is something that keeps us in survival and it makes us feel helpless or hopeless.
11:20
But you're not helpless or hopeless.
11:21
Now that you're listening to this podcast, you know that you can make that change.
11:26
So write your list.
11:28
What are you struggling with right now?
11:30
What do you wish you weren't doing?
11:32
And then remember you Are not judging yourself.
11:36
You're just taking a reading of where you are.
11:39
This then brings us on to step number two, because this list doesn't tell you much on its own.
11:45
It gives you a list, and then now we need to look for the commonality.
11:49
Where do all these come from?
11:52
We're looking for the definition of yourself that is underneath all of those behaviors.
11:57
So.
11:57
So for me, it's like, I don't feel valuable because those behaviors that you're looking at might look unrelated, but they're never, ever unrelated.
12:06
They're usually one belief about you.
12:09
They're showing up in different rooms.
12:11
You already have the information on a piece of paper now.
12:15
So now we just need to trace back and see.
12:18
Okay, what is driving this behavior?
12:22
Remember what I was saying about I never had the value, And I can tell you exactly where I got it from.
12:27
Because I grew up at a time where parents worried about dowries from the moment a daughter was born.
12:34
And if you don't know what a dowry is, it's close to a payment to a man for marrying your daughter.
12:40
Nobody sat me down and said, you're not valuable.
12:44
I just absorbed it in a way.
12:45
Children absorb everything as information.
12:48
It meant something about me, and my worth came from my culture that I was growing up in.
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And then I spent 30 years producing the behavior that matched that.
12:58
I overgave at work.
13:00
I overgave in relationships.
13:01
Working, working, working.
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Because underneath was the belief that if I gave enough, maybe I'd be worth keeping.
13:09
And this is the part that took me the longest to accept, because most of the beliefs about who you are are never yours.
13:17
They're installed parents, teachers, culture, and nothing that you ever wanted for yourself was too much.
13:27
Their reaction might have made you feel that way, but you weren't asking for too much.
13:33
So maybe you've been running someone else's operating system your whole life, mistaking it for yours, and you're listening to it as if it is you.
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There's one more question here, and it's the one people skip.
13:46
Not just what is it costing me?
13:49
But what am I getting from it?
13:51
Because a belief that's lasted this long is not there to ruin your life.
13:55
You believe it's protecting you from something.
13:59
I overgave.
14:00
I was never rejected for asking too much when I stayed invisible.
14:05
I was never criticized.
14:08
There was always a payoff.
14:09
I was always getting something from it.
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And until you can say that, oh, I'm getting this, maybe you're trying to isolate yourself to protect yourself.
14:20
So write one sentence and Please don't dress it out, because this is about you being honest with yourself so that you can change your value system and make that change today because you deserve to have the best life
14:33
that you possibly can.
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And then write, what am I getting from holding onto this?
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It'll be usually some sort of protection.
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Okay, now this brings us on to step three.
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And I'm going to be honest with you.
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This is difficult.
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We're going to look directly at where this system takes you if nothing changes.
14:55
This is the most important part that Miller found, and it's not about you being nice to yourself and being positive.
15:03
I spent so much time being positive and that was the thing that held me back the most.
15:09
So stop being nice to yourself because it isn't helping you.
15:13
We need to look at the worst case scenario.
15:15
If you want to make a change, you have to be like those people that Miller studied.
15:19
Because until you can see that this isn't working for you, you're not going to change your value system.
15:25
This is the finding.
15:26
People do not change when they can see a better future.
15:30
They only change when the present moment becomes intolerable, becomes difficult, becomes hard.
15:39
And there's a reason for that and it's worth knowing before you do it.
15:43
We are built to avoid pain far more strongly than we are drawn to joy, happiness, et cetera.
15:51
I wish it was the other way around, but it's not.
15:54
Psychologists call it loss aversion.
15:57
Losing something stings far more than gaining the equivalent of, of feeling good.
16:02
It's crazy, right?
16:03
But that is the truth.
16:04
And most self help works against this.
16:07
It's asking you to picture the ideal future and reach for it.
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And the picture stays abstract while your old system carries on running underneath.
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That's why so many of us stay stuck for so long.
16:20
Because we're not in enough pain or we're not facing the pain that we're moving towards.
16:27
So we're going to use it so that it works for us rather than against us.
16:33
Rather than picturing what it is that you want, look hard at what you're building and look at how am I building what I don't want.
16:40
What happens if I continue this way?
16:44
I know.
16:45
I've tried everything.
16:45
Books, visualization, hypnosis, goal setting.
16:48
And all any of it did was help me be better at proving my value.
16:55
More giving, more hustling.
16:57
That was the real driver underneath.
16:59
Yeah, you can achieve goals, but what is it driving?
17:03
Are you happier?
17:05
Or are you still proving your worth and working for other people?
17:08
And the harder I worked the less valued I felt until I started to believe I had nothing worth offering and I should just probably give up on life I was in relationships with that were devaluing.
17:22
And I could see it in every area of my life, in money, in whether I let myself be seen at all.
17:28
And then on an ordinary day, the thought arrived.
17:32
Is this what I want my children to feel?
17:34
This exact feeling?
17:37
Because they don't learn from what I tell them or what I want for them.
17:41
They learn from what they see me do, see me experience.
17:47
They see how I'm being treated, and that's what they will repeat.
17:53
And I could see the whole line of it.
17:55
I could see, okay, my children are going to suffer.
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And then there's generational patterns that get passed down from generation to generation.
18:01
How long is this line going to be?
18:03
Not just my children, but maybe my children's children.
18:06
They really hit me.
18:08
And then I let myself look at the rest.
18:10
And if I carried on, I would burn out.
18:14
I'd probably get ill because I was under so much stress.
18:17
I was ignoring myself and my own needs.
18:20
And it was like, there's only one way out of this.
18:23
I'm going to get ill and I'll pop off.
18:25
It was hard to admit because on the surface I was positive.
18:30
I was doing all the psychology and all the self help stuff.
18:33
Miller found something in his research that fits exactly here.
18:38
Before these sudden changes, there was almost always a long buildup of pressure first.
18:45
It's like you're a diamond being built.
18:48
Think of it like an earthquake.
18:50
Pressure gathers along the fault line for years.
18:53
Nothing appears to happen.
18:55
And then everything moves at once.
18:57
And the chain usually comes not when people are fighting the hardest, but when they stop fighting, which makes sense in the body, because fighting is survival.
19:08
And the old identity can only be let go of when you're not defending your life, your current life, trying to hold on to it still.
19:18
So there's two ways to sit with a system that isn't working.
19:22
You can stay in a vague version, mildly dissatisfied, pretending everything will be okay, just in survival, day at a time.
19:30
Or you can look at it clearly once, just for today, do it with me, and let it become genuinely unbearable for an hour.
19:40
And go, this is where I'm heading and I don't want this.
19:44
I deserve better.
19:45
And then write it down.
19:47
If nothing changes in your life in five years, where does this take my health, my work, my relationships, my career, if I just carry on trying and the impact on others around me, don't be reasonable and hope this
20:05
is not about being hopeful.
20:07
Hopeful is what keeps the system running because it's not allowing you to see the pain.
20:15
You're hoping for a different answer while running the same system, and the system produces the same result.
20:23
It's what Einstein said was crazy when we're doing the same thing but expecting a different outcome.
20:29
Which brings us to step four, and this is where it starts to turn.
20:35
Write the opposite identity.
20:38
What is it that you would be if you were the opposite of this identity that you've bought into?
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So for me, I'm not good enough.
20:47
I'm not valuable.
20:49
Maybe I am valuable.
20:51
Maybe I'm intensely valuable.
20:53
I've got something incredibly valuable to give to the world.
20:56
And then you can start to do something small that starts to show the old version of you that it can be done, that something else can be done.
21:07
So for me, the opposite is simple.
21:09
I am someone with value, not conditional on how much I give.
21:14
And the honest thing that I feel when I first started to say this is this feels like a lie.
21:22
And I could feel that contradiction in my body, it felt uncomfortable.
21:29
So don't expect it to feel good.
21:31
It might feel good for a little while, but once you start acting on it, it's going to start to feel uncomfortable.
21:37
Because we want to look for the crack.
21:38
Not a big plan.
21:39
We're not doing big plans.
21:41
One simple, small action that's obviously good for you and makes you distinctly uncomfortable.
21:48
For me, it's about being more visible and getting help to do it, which meant admitting that I couldn't do it alone, which means I'm connecting.
21:57
Because that was the other thing.
21:59
I didn't think I was even valuable enough to get support, because that was another way of just holding myself back because I was supposed to do it myself.
22:09
I was nervous just even writing down the fact that I'm someone with value and that I'm going to get help.
22:15
And that nervousness is how I knew it was the right one.
22:19
Here's why your body objects to you having the opposite identity, because the identity doesn't just describe you.
22:28
Your nervous system defends this current identity.
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This is really important.
22:35
When something contradicts how you see yourself, you get a response that looks like a physical threat.
22:41
It's like your body literally says, hey, you're saying I'm valuable and I have something to give.
22:48
But no, you're not.
22:50
You're not valuable.
22:52
I'm going to protect you.
22:53
You're not valuable.
22:55
And your heart rate goes up because you're trying to say, hey, I'm Valuable.
23:00
And sometimes you might even feel anger, a rage, yes, I'm valuable.
23:05
And sometimes you withdraw and you go back into people pleasing and wondering whether people will still like you because you've become someone that is valuable.
23:16
So when you write down the small, brave thing that your body says no to, you're going to take a small, teensy, winsy action towards this new identity.
23:25
That isn't your body saying it's not possible for you.
23:28
That's really important is your system noticing that you don't have an operating system for this yet.
23:34
And it's asking whether it's safe.
23:37
And right now is going to feel unsafe because you don't have that feedback yet.
23:42
And so if you go small and you slowly get the feedback, your nervous system will start to feel safe in becoming the new version of yourself.
23:52
Now, this is the question, and it's really important question to ask.
23:58
Who am I without this old version of me?
24:02
You don't want the old identity.
24:05
You just don't know who you are without it.
24:09
And that becomes a problem to some degree because there's an ego par of us which believes, hey, I'm not going to exist if I start to believe I'm valuable.
24:21
That means that old version of me that I've believed since I was a small child that I'm not valuable.
24:27
I've been carrying this around with me for ages.
24:30
Hang on, who am I going to be without this?
24:34
So please take the time to ask it so that you can get to that point of thinking, you know what, I have an almost attachment to this old identity.
24:44
But you will exist without that old identity.
24:48
What's underneath is closer to the truth of who you are.
24:53
So there's two kinds of next step.
24:55
The big impressive plan, which your nervous system will quietly dismantle because there's no evidence that you can become that person.
25:02
It sounds good.
25:03
You get excited, you can get really motivated.
25:06
This is why so many people do courses and then they can't implement it.
25:12
But what you need is a small, uncomfortable action this week which will give your nervous system some evidence that, yeah, you can move into that new identity.
25:22
So write the opposite identity in a line.
25:24
Mine was I am worthy.
25:27
And then write one action that proves it.
25:29
And if it doesn't make you slightly nervous, it's not the right one.
25:33
So you want something that makes you a little bit nervous without shutting you down.
25:38
Okay, so this takes us on to step five.
25:41
This is the one that almost nobody teaches.
25:45
I want you to ask what this system has taught you that you wouldn't have otherwise learned.
25:50
What did you learn?
25:52
What did you come here to learn?
25:55
And if you skip this, unfortunately you're going to keep repeating the lesson until you learn what it is that you came here for.
26:02
So take someone who's done everything up until now.
26:05
She's found the behaviour, she's named the identity, she's looked at where it's going, she's taken that small uncomfortable action and it's worked.
26:12
And then six months later something happens.
26:15
You get really majorly triggered and then they have a really bad quarter, something goes wrong and then you go back to the old version of you.
26:23
Nothing that she did was wrong, but she didn't complete, she didn't complete this system.
26:30
It isn't so much forgiveness, although forgiveness is incredibly valuable work.
26:35
It's about answering that one question.
26:38
What do I now know that I would not have otherwise known?
26:43
Mine took me years to answer honestly.
26:47
I learned what happens to a person who doesn't own their value.
26:52
And I also understood more systems on how things work, the biology of how my systems work and how self kindness and self love and consideration and compassion lower stress response.
27:08
And it allows you to think clearly and creatively.
27:11
Which is why we want to avoid being hard on ourselves, because it always makes things worse, it always keeps us stuck.
27:21
Whereas compassion, love and understanding takes us the other way.
27:25
And I've learned that this is the way of the Creator, the universe, of God.
27:32
It's about love, it's about understanding, it's about compassion.
27:37
And that science and spirituality, they're all pointing towards the same thing.
27:42
And I learned it inside my own body.
27:45
I could have read all the papers.
27:47
And I have, I'm not going to lie, I have read a lot of papers and yes, it would have made sense.
27:52
But honestly, it's not the education that's really taught me anything.
27:57
It's more the learned experience.
28:00
So there's two ways to leave a pattern.
28:03
You can leave it where you're in survival all the time, and I'd spent quite a lot of time in that.
28:08
Or you can leave it as knowledge, not book knowledge, but more wisdom in the body, where it changes you, it changes your value system inside of you, where you have more compassion for yourself and other people, you feel
28:25
more connected, you feel more alive.
28:28
So write one line.
28:30
What did this teach me that I couldn't have learned anywhere else?
28:35
It might be that you understand something about life and how it works that you would never have known otherwise.
28:41
And if nothing comes, that's information too.
28:45
It just usually means that Step three hasn't completed yet.
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Step so that's the five steps.
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Write the behaviors.
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Find the identity underneath them.
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Look honestly at where it's going, name the opposite and find one small uncomfortable action.
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And then take what it is that you have learned.
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None of this is a machine.
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You don't put a coin in and get life out.
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But you can build the conditions.
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And the conditions are what Miller found in every single case.
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Pressure that becomes undeniable and letting go rather than fighting.
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And values that rearrange themselves so you become someone new.
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And that's what we've done today.
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That's what's starting to rearrange within you.
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And I'll tell you exactly what one day can change now that you've done the work rather than before.
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Your circumstances will be the same tonight as they were in this morning.
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What can be different by tonight is your direction and your values.
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And your direction is what decides where you end up.
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If you change it today, your destination changes on its own.
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You can have a life that you love.
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You can start that business you love.
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You can have everything that you would love to have, whether it takes a month or five years.
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And I am going to be doing my own step four while I record this, which feels only fair to tell you.
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Mine is being more visible and I'm going to get some help to get there because I've proved to myself I can't do it alone.
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So I'm going to hire a coach.
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One thing before you go.
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Everything we've covered today, those five patterns that stop change from holding, I've turned it into a short quiz so that you can find out which one is yours because they don't all cause the same trouble.
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Sometimes you're coping on the outside and everything feels too much underneath.
30:54
Sometimes you give and give and some part of you is still not convinced you're worth it.
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And sometimes you knew the answer but you talked yourself out of it.
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Sometimes you've had a plan for months and it's still that plan.
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And sometimes you still want something but you just don't have enough energy to do it.
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And they all need working on in a particular order.
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And starting in the wrong place is a large part of why change doesn't hold, no matter how many things you try.
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10 questions and it's about three minutes and it's free.
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At the end you get your own reading and plus a short recording from me on what to do about that one thing.
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Specifically, you need to go to Amencore quiz.
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That's a M E N K A U r dot com QUIZ and if you're driving right now, don't worry, it's the first link in the show notes, so tap on it when you stop.
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Remember to be kind to yourself until you do this work.
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Not because it's nice, but because it's the state that creates change.
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Love, kindness, compassion.
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And that is something you deserve from yourself.
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Always.
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I'm sending you so much love.
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Until next time.
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And remember, find out which of the five patterns is keeping you stuck and the free three minute quiz is at umanamen cor.com quiz it's in the show notes.