Latest / The Daily Sarcast / October 9th, 2026: How To Order Wine, A Live-streamed Execution And Unemployed Life In NYC

Transcript

October 9th, 2026: How To Order Wine, A Live-streamed Execution And Unemployed Life In NYC · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Trying to lose weight but still want to enjoy food? Introducing the Google Image Diet.
• 0:06
  Just Google whatever you're craving, stare at a photo of a giant cheeseburger,
• 0:10
  or a five-scoop ice cream sundae with hot fudge, and make your brain believe
• 0:15
  that you've eaten these things.
• 0:17
  If you want pizza, look at pizza.
• 0:20
  Want a chocolate cake? Look at a million pictures of a chocolate cake.
• 0:24
  Want to feel something, just look at a photo of a charcuterie board.
• 0:28
  It's basically eating without the calories, the dishes,
• 0:32
  or the financial commitment to a GLP-1, Google image diet.
• 0:37
  They can't guarantee weight loss, happiness, or that this isn't just an eating disorder with Wi-Fi.
• 0:43
  If God moves on our hearts and says we should, you know, go back to my hometown
• 0:48
  of Chevrolet and start a lawn business, I'll do that with equal fervor.
• 0:53
  I just want to be of my highest and best use, to God and to my country.
• 0:58
  Mike Johnson if the Republicans lose control of the House.
• 1:01
  Insert theme song here this is the daily star cast i give you the news and maybe
• 1:05
  a laugh i'm lindsey vernick and today is october 9th 2026.
• 1:11
  Guys a big shout out to ray farrow one of my comedy friends and he's also one
• 1:17
  of the most avid daily star cast listeners and he's been a guest host many times,
• 1:24
  he won last night in this comedy competition downtown for the buddha room,
• 1:30
  so he's going to be moving on to the next stage in the competition next month
• 1:35
  so congrats rye great set so fun super excited for you,
• 1:40
  in real news so it turns out you've been ordering wine by the glass completely wrong,
• 1:47
  apparently you could just ask your server to like come to your table and port
• 1:51
  for you there instead of them just like bringing you the glass
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  that way you can see the bottle, confirm that you're getting what you ordered,
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  even though you probably can't even remember what you ordered,
• 2:01
  and then watch them pour it.
• 2:03
  It's kind of like ordering the bottle, right? But it's without having to commit
• 2:07
  to an entire bottle of wine, which is a very dangerous financial and physical
• 2:11
  decision for someone who says that they're only having one glass,
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  but you already know you're drinking the whole bottle.
• 2:17
  So next time you order wine, ask to see the bottle. You'll look sophisticated,
• 2:21
  informed, and possibly like someone who knows how to pronounce Sauvignon Blanc.
• 2:25
  Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth says the public should be able to watch the execution
• 2:30
  of the Fort Hood shooter, and the Pentagon has now confirmed that it will be live-streamed.
• 2:37
  If you don't remember, which you probably don't, Nadelle Malik Hassan,
• 2:41
  who was a former Army psychiatrist, was convicted in 2013 of killing 13 people
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  and hurting 32 others during a mass shooting at Fort Hood, Texas,
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  back in November of 2009.
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  So Hassan opened fire inside a military medical processing center,
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  and he was trying to go after soldiers who were getting ready for deployment.
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  He was sentenced to death by a military jury.
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  So earlier this past week, Trump approved Hassan's execution by firing squad
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  and Hegseth's second dead.
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  The execution is scheduled for December 3rd at 1 p.m. at Fort Hood,
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  the same place where the attack happened.
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  I guess it's supposed to be ironic or meanful or, you know, whatever.
• 3:22
  Hexess said the public should be able to watch because people need to understand
• 3:26
  that there are serious consequences for these crimes.
• 3:28
  The Pentagon has confirmed that this will be live streamed, although it's not
• 3:32
  exactly sure how it is going to be.
• 3:36
  And now if this goes ahead, a schedule. This will be the first U.S.
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  Military execution since 1961 and the first by military squad since 1945.
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  It would also be the first public execution in the United States since 1936.
• 3:53
  Although the live stream isn't necessarily the same as having people watch it in person.
• 3:59
  There's still a lot of legal questions surrounding all this.
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  Like whether the army properly followed his procedures for notifying Hassan
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  of his execution date and like being able to give him counsel.
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  Hassan could also fight this and delay the execution as well.
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  And what this man did was absolutely beyond horrific and devastating. There's no words.
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  However, the decision to broadcast an execution is a much bigger question about
• 4:28
  public justice and if this will actually bring people to question things.
• 4:34
  I mean, it's crazy where we've reached a point in our lives and civilization
• 4:40
  where even the death penalty is now on streaming.
• 4:44
  Netflix is looking at this and they're thinking, for the first time,
• 4:48
  we're going to stay out of this one.
• 4:51
  Up in Massachusetts, a high school had to call three separate shelter-in-place
• 4:55
  orders in one single day after a bunch of students decided to take edibles.
• 5:01
  Staunton High School in Staunton, Massachusetts, had 911 responding to a bunch
• 5:06
  of things this past Tuesday.
• 5:08
  There were concerns that students had took gummies with pot,
• 5:11
  okay, sorry, weed in them.
• 5:14
  The reason why they put the shelter in place is because they wanted to let the
• 5:18
  EMTs and police to get to the students, like, quickly who needed medical attention.
• 5:23
  And classes still went on, and the principal praised everyone for handling the
• 5:28
  situation with a lot of patience and maturity.
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  The school has not said yet how many students were involved because of student privacy.
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  Like, that's crazy. three different shelter and place orders in one day.
• 5:42
  I thought the most dangerous thing in high school was the cafeteria's mystery meat.
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  I mean, if you're going to have a gummy, make sure you know what it is before you bring it to school.
• 5:51
  Getting called to the principal's office is one thing, but having an entire
• 5:54
  building go into lockdown because of your drug problem is a whole different
• 5:58
  extracurricular activity.
• 6:01
  In Lindsay life, I'm unemployed.
• 6:05
  Definitely not employed. I'm living in New York City specifically on the Upper
• 6:10
  East Side which is basically a financial horror movie like every morning this
• 6:15
  is what I do every day I wake up I look for jobs,
• 6:19
  and this involves me going on LinkedIn for literally three minutes before I
• 6:24
  realize I don't actually want a full-time job,
• 6:27
  and then I think about who I work with that I should probably text to know if
• 6:31
  they know of any show staffing up.
• 6:33
  Because when you work like this, you have to literally remind people that you
• 6:37
  exist and see if they can help you get anything. I'm not kidding.
• 6:40
  That's how I get all my jobs.
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  And then I go to the gym and I come home and I cook lunch and I text my friend
• 6:46
  to see who's around to hang out.
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  And fortunately, a lot of my friends are also unemployed for a lot of different
• 6:52
  reasons, which is like amazing.
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  I mean, it's like not amazing that my friends don't have jobs, but like.
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  And it kind of is, though, for me. And then I hang out with them.
• 7:04
  And then either with them or not with them, I go to an open mic or improv jam.
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  Because, like, what else am I doing with my life? Everyone's like,
• 7:11
  that's so impressive. I'm like, well, literally, what else am I doing?
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  But yeah, it's a really hard life. I'm essentially a trust fund kid without the trust fund.
• 7:21
  And now it's the moment you've been waiting for all week. It's time for MVP of the week.
• 7:27
  Okay, so this week's MVP goes to a fisherman who rescued a drowning puppy from
• 7:32
  a lake and performed CPR on the puppy to bring it back to life.
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  So this fisherman pulled the puppy from the water and immediately tried to revive it.
• 7:42
  Since he was so quick, he was able to save the dog's life, and this whole thing was caught on video.
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  I mean, the rest of us are literally all just trying to keep houseplants alive,
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  and this guy is just performing CPR on puppies in the middle of a random lake.
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  So congrats to this random fisherman, the MVP of the week, who literally didn't
• 8:03
  just save a dog, but he saved someone's probably best friend.
• 8:07
  May your lines always be tight, your catches always be big, and may every dog
• 8:13
  that you encounter live a long, happy life.
• 8:17
  Cooking tip of the day. Light a candle if you burn it.
• 8:21
  Feedback comments questions a nice jewish boy looking for a date email me at
• 8:25
  lindsey at the daily sarcast.com thank you so much for listening have a great beautiful weekend and,
• 8:31
  that's so weird i said that but anyway i'm gonna leave that in have a great
• 8:35
  weekend and i will talk to you guys on monday.