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Is It Too Much to Ask? Judging the Validity of Relationship Needs · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for July 16, 2026 Is it too much to ask?
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  Judging the validity of relationship needs Yesterday I gave a list of things
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  I see as valid needs in a marriage.
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  But not everything expressed as a need is valid.
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  How do we judge what our spouse says they need? For the most part,
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  if it's not enabling and you can do it fairly easily, I'd say just do it.
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  This is the heart of a generous spouse.
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  A couple of the items on yesterday's list had qualifiers. Conversation and sex
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  had frequencies suggested.
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  Expecting double what I said is unreasonable, especially if you have kids or either of you has a job.
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  Giving half of what I suggested is also unreasonable, unless there are some unusual situations.
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  So part of validity is how often. I qualified order and cleanliness with a decent level.
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  Expecting an immaculate home is unreasonable. Expecting your spouse to be okay
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  with significant disorder or mold is also unreasonable.
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  So part of validity is about degree.
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  Another issue is the impact their need has on others. For instance,
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  I expect you to keep the 3-year-old and the 5-year-old silent while I work is
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  unfair to you and to the children.
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  I need the house to be 80 degrees, that's 27 degrees centigrade,
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  is unfair to others in the home. They need to put on a sweater.
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  Yesterday's list included verbal appreciation. That's a basic human need.
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  But if your spouse needs constant validation, that's an indication that they
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  have a problem for which they should get help.
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  If this is the case, you probably can't give them enough validation to make
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  them feel the need has ever been met.
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  And trying to do so only makes them think you are the problem.
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  If what they say they need is sin, that's a no-go. I know people who expect
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  their spouse to support them even if it requires lying.
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  I know people who expect their spouse to defend them even when they have done something wrong.
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  Neither sin for me nor help me cover my sin is a valid need.
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  If you're unsure about some need your spouse has expressed, talk to a marriage expert.
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  Your friends will tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they want to
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  be true in their marriage.
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  Meeting needs can be hard work, and it may stretch you. It may be challenging,
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  but it should not be destructive.
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  This is Paul, and doing marriage well isn't always easy.