Latest / All The Light She Found / Some of These Rules to Live By Are Just Plain Wrong
Transcript
- kelly: Hello, my friends. I am so glad you're here with me. I'm Kelly McGurk, your host of All the Light She Found. I am so grateful to be here, as usual, and the topic for today could be a little controversial, but I have some questions. I am 56 years old, and I have decided some of the advice I've been giving my entire life. Deserves a little investigation, my friends. Because as I'm kind of reflecting, is who made these rules and who decided we had to follow them? And who decided we passed them down through generations? Like seriously. And these are some, the ones I'm going to mention are just some like kind of fun generic ones, but like, you know, who decided we shouldn't go to bed angry? Like, who decided we should always trust our gut? And who was the first person who said, hey, if they wanted to, they would? And somehow they have made the whole internet agree. Like, yeah, that's what an evolved human relationship is. What about follow your heart? I mean, have you met my heart? She's made some questionable decisions. I'm not gonna lie. And listen, I love a freaking inspirational quote more than the next person by far. Like, if you have been to my home or my offices, you will be inspired whether you want to or not, because it's on the walls. that is my thing. Okay. I love me a coffee mug or a shirt. My daughter always goes, Mom, you don't have to be showing it to everyone. You can think that, and you don't need a shirt that says it coffee mug. And I'm like, no, I really I like that. Like, that's my thing. That's my jam. But the older I get, you guys, the more I realize that some of the advice that we repeat so confidently is missing some pretty important information. It's kind of like I was thinking about this, like what if somebody handed us a headline but we never got the article? Okay. So then we're just going around saying the headline and then when people want to know what happened, why, we're like, I don't know. Right. It's not that all this advice is completely wrong, but it's just not always right. You know? I think the ones I've given us are kind of just fun ones that we hear all the time, but it's not just like advice like that. It's literally like if you grew up being told something or believing in something, whether it be church-related or whether it be this is. Our family's loyal, our blood is thicker than water, you know, like the things that actually like were embedded into you. And you're like, yeah, yeah, that's right. And then you start to think about like, but why is that right? Like, I need more information now. Now I'm starting to question some of the things. I mean, the trust your gut thing, like to be honest, I'm ADD and like my gut is like, let's scroll all day. Let's go spend a ton of money at the mall. Like, let's plan a huge trip because you don't need to worry about your client billing right now. You need to do something fun. That's my gut. Okay. So these are a little fun ones, but I think like if we start to question some things and if they still work for us, like Some of the things that we've heard our whole lives or that we've implemented our whole lives about, you know, it could be anything like don't be selfish. Well, you know, growing up in the church, selfish meant putting yourself before others ever. I don't know that I think that's healthy anymore. I'm not sure. Like I'm just giving some small examples, but it's been something that's been on my mind because there's been a few conversations recently where we're laughing about some of the things my dad would always, you know, teach us and tell us and and you know how important certain things are and you just you take those and you run with them because that's what they said, you know. I mean, let's use the example. If they wanted to, they would. I think out of context, that sounds really like, yeah, if they wanted to show up for you, they would. Yeah, that makes sense. I think that what we're leaving out there is that maybe sometimes People can't show up the way you think they should. And they may really, really, really want to and they don't know how or they don't have the tools. Being human means we show up to things with very, very, very different nervous systems. You know, I always use that word, but I'm telling you, the more you know, the better you can live. Human beings aren't really that simple. I mean, I can tell you guys there have been a lot of things that I wanted to do and I didn't do. Okay. Maybe it's not have that second class of Red Bull vodka and I did it. what about if it's, yeah, why don't you you know, go to the gym? I've talked about this before. I went years and didn't do that and I wanted to desperately. wanted to reconnect with a friend and it just didn't happen. Yeah, I love this person and yeah, I'd really like to get together with them. But you know, like I've shared in some other episodes, maybe my life was shit in the bed and I just didn't have the bandwidth. Well, if she wanted to, she would. Is that true? I think before everyone starts yelling at their phone or their radio right now, I'm not saying that people don't make excuses. I'm not saying that there are some people who just will not do what they should. I'm not saying that there aren't people who really don't show up for you in ways that they should. Okay, because that's a whole other side of this conversation, right? At some point intentions matter a whole lot less than what somebody actually does. Like, let's be honest. But I think there's a difference between asking, does someone care about me and asking, is this person capable of giving me what I need? Because those questions can have two very different answers. Someone can genuinely love you and still not be able to show up in the way you want. and one other thing, you can recognize that love without deciding the relationship works for you. That's been a big conversation in my office lately with some clients is you can love somebody immensely it's not the right thing for you. Like that's a really hard one because it's hard to think about when you really, really, really love somebody that they're just not right for you. That's a hard one. But I think when we say something very simple, like if they wanted to, they would. It makes it sound like the only thing standing between us and what we want is somebody's else's desire. And that's very, very simplified. Sometimes the issue is capacity, sometimes it's priorities, sometimes it's maturity, sometimes it's just freaking life circumstances. Or you guys, or down to like reality, it could just be two people who have very different ideas about what showing up looks like. I mean, I've run into that. So I think the question in that I got stuck on if they wanted to, they would, but it's been a big, big, big topic the last couple of weeks. whatever the reason they're not showing up, any of those circumstances I mentioned, whether they just don't freaking want to, whether they don't have the capacity, whatever, you don't have to prove somebody doesn't love you to decide that something isn't enough. And you don't have to turn them into the bad person to recognize that. I think you guys, that's one thing that Instagram reels kind of miss is they're really villainizing. The person that can't show up for you when in reality that's not always the case. Okay. It could be that they just don't have the capacity. And that's a very different thing than them giving you the middle finger and saying, sorry, I don't show up for you. Right. so I think in friendships or intimate relationships, part of our development and maturity and growth personally is that. I recognize when something doesn't meet my needs. And if I share what those needs are and the other individual can't do that, that's okay. that doesn't make them bad. It means they're not right for me in my life, right? And that's okay. Sometimes we outgrow friendships. Sometimes we outgrow intimate relationships. You know, there's a lot of people that come into my office. who say they drive home sick to their stomach that they don't want to go in the house. I mean, that is a sign right there that that's not good, right? Like, so why do we keep staying quiet and walking in the house? I think that one that says, like, trust your gut. Now that I've complicated, you know, the relationship talk, they'd show up if they wanted to. I believe intuition can be incredibly valuable Like when people go, just trust your gut. You gotta trust yourself. Okay. I like that. But is it always as easy as that? There are times when we Pick up on something before we can even fully explain it. A situation feels off, something doesn't add up. We notice little things that haven't quite made their way into the conscious thought. sometimes there's things we really need to pay attention to, but somewhere along the way, pay attention to your gut because your gut is always right. And I would like to respectfully disagree. I I know there's people who are like, nope, my gut is brilliant. And sometimes it freaking is, but sometimes our gut is tired, hungry. Overstimulated, had too much coffee, you know. So think about it. Have you ever been absolutely convinced something was gonna go badly? You could feel it, you knew it, and it turned out completely fine or even really great? Or listen, sometimes you've been, you know, like let's talk about it. Sometimes you've been very sure about something, a very a person. You know? And then that person didn't turn out. The way you thought about it. I think, like, you know, sometimes we can trust our gut, but sometimes we have to kind of understand that our gut is sometimes a little bit distracted or off or it wants to think this one thing, you know? Or have you ever thought for sure somebody was mad at you, only to discover they were dealing with something that had absolutely nothing at all to do with you, but your gut told you they were so mad at you, or they didn't like you anymore, or they didn't care about you. Conviction isn't proof. So I think on that one, you guys, I think if we treat every uncomfortable feeling as a warning, we might spend our lives avoiding things that could actually be wonderful. I mean, if you think about it, a new job can feel terrifying. A new relationship can feel uncertain. Starting something you've never done before can make your stomach do backflips. That doesn't mean you're making a mistake. It just means you're doing something unfamiliar. So listen, obviously, in everything I say, I don't need to go all the way one way or the other. I'm not saying ignore your instincts. That would be utterly ridiculous. I'm saying maybe we should get curious about them instead of automatically thinking it's right. Because there's a difference between listening to a feeling and handing it the car keys, if you know what I'm saying. And personally, I don't know about you. I'd like a little more information before we drive off the cliff, okay? How about the one that says never settle? God, it sounds empowering. I love it. Know your worth. Don't accept less than what you deserve. My God, who's more for that than me? I preach that stuff. But I think we need to talk about what settling actually means because somewhere along the way, I think we've started confusing compromise with settling. And those are not the same things, my friend. Let's say you meet somebody wonderful. They're kind, they're consistent, they're funny, you love being around them. But maybe they're not especially romantic. You know? Maybe they don't love travel. Maybe they're definitely not spontaneous. Does that mean you're settling? Or does that mean you've met another human being? I hate to break it to everybody, but there is a no build a boyfriend or build a girlfriend workshop where you get to select all your favorite features. I think the question is whether we're compromising on things that genuinely matter to us or simply discovering that another person isn't an exact replica of our preferences. Because if not settling means never being disappointed, never being inconvenienced, and never having to compromise, I think we're gonna have a very difficult time being close to anybody. And this doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, guys. it applies to friendships, families, the lives we're trying to build. Sometimes we get so focused on the ideal version of something that we stop recognizing. The value of sometimes what's actually in front of us. Now, when us said don't settle, let us not settle for disrespect, dishonesty, cruelty, relationships where our our needs are consistently dismissed. That is not compromise. That sucks. I'm not talking about accepting those things. I'm talking about the difference between a meaningful compromise and abandoning something essential to you. And maybe the challenge is figuring out which is which, let's be honest. Cause I think there's people who stay in situations that are genuinely wrong for them because they've been taught to compromise or that their needs didn't matter. And then there are people who walk away from something really good because they've been taught, quote, not to settle. Same advice, very different consequences. I mean, I've got a few more. What about be the bigger person? Can we talk about this? Because I have questions again. Who's assigning this bigger person role? And why does it always seem to be the same person? You know what I'm talking about? Somebody behaves badly, somebody says something hurtful, somebody creates a mess, and then somebody else comes along and says, you know what? Just be the bigger person. Excuse me? Why are we suddenly responsible for being the emotional adult in a situation that we didn't even create? Now, on the opposite that, I believe there's tremendous value in being able to let things go. Not every disagreement needs a confrontation, and not every rude comment deserves a freaking response. Sometimes walking away is absolutely the smartest. But sometimes if you think about it, be the bigger person is really another way of saying, please don't make this uncomfortable for everybody else. And that's different. Because there's situations where being mature means having an uncomfortable conversation. It means sometimes saying that wasn't okay. It means expecting accountability. In healthy relationships, I think we can expect accountability. And sometimes it means deciding you're not gonna keep participating in the same pattern that you have been. So maybe being the bigger person isn't always about keeping the peace. Maybe sometimes you guys, it's about being willing to disturb the peace when something actually matters. Like it's really important. do you guys love this one? Don't care what other people think. Really? Anybody? Like ever? Because I care what some people think. Definitely people that I love, I care what they think. People I respect, I care what they think. I care whether I show up as a decent human being in the world. Our relationships matter, our reputations matter, and the impact that we have on other people matters. So I don't think the goal should be stop caring what everybody thinks. I think the goal should be to become more selective about whose opinions we give authority to. That's growth. Because here's something I've noticed. Sometimes we'll let a random comment from somebody we barely know stick in our helmet, you know? Meanwhile, the people who genuinely know us, care about us, and want the best for us are telling us something completely different. Whose opinion gets the most attention? You know, Brene Brown said she's never gonna worry about the opinion of people who don't stand in the arena. And what that means is if the people that are giving you this opinion don't show up in their own life and be willing to risk it for the biscuit, why are you taking their opinion about yours? I think that we can make our own decisions and still consider the people that are affected by them. And I can disagree with somebody without without dismissing their perspective. That's how we should show up. You know, Maybe we need to ask ourselves whose opinion am I giving too much power to in my life that hasn't earned it? I think sometimes just some of the things that we've learned, you guys, just in general, just start questioning it and how it works for us. And is it working? What am I choosing to believe and what behaviors am I doing because I've always done it or because someone said I always should? But maybe it doesn't work anymore. So to close it up. I'm not against advice. I love learning from people. I love hearing different perspectives. And I absolutely believe there's wisdom in sayings. But I do think that we have to stop treating what we've always heard and what we've always thought like they're actual universal laws. Right. Because people are complicated. Relationships are complicated. Life is complicated. And the same advice that helps one person might be exactly the wrong advice for somebody else. And you know what? I think there's something really wonderful about reaching a point in life where you can question the things you've always believed. Not because you suddenly know everything, but because you've learned enough to realize you don't. And I think for me, that's one of the best things about getting older. I get to reconsider and I get to change my mind. I get to say, you know what, that sounded great when I was 15 and 25, but right now I'm not so sure about that anymore. I think we need to make decisions based on a life that we're actually living or a life that we want to live. So here's something I'd love for you to think about this week. What's something that you were taught or a piece of advice you've been giving your entire life that you're starting to question? And is there something that you've always believed that maybe doesn't fit the person you are today? You guys, as always, I hope you find light this week. And if you got a little extra, share it. I'm Kelly, and this is all the light she found.