Latest / The Daily Sarcast / June 30th, 2026: A North Carolina Jail Break, A Dead Murderer And Working For Celebs

Transcript

June 30th, 2026: A North Carolina Jail Break, A Dead Murderer And Working For Celebs · The Daily Sarcast

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  Today's episode is brought to you by bad thrillers that are so bad,
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  they're actually funny.
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  I'll tell you something, there's no way you would know this.
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  It's pronounced Coburn, which I want you to imagine being a kid when you're
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  little because it's spelled Cockburn.
• 0:17
  Olivia Wilde on how to actually pronounce her last name.
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  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and maybe a laugh.
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  I'm Lindsay Vernick, and today is June 30th, 2026.
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  Hey guys, I'm actually on set this week, so things might be a little chaotic.
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  They might be a little bit shorter, but I will do my best to give my regular
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  daily sarcasm, but I'm definitely going to sound a lot tired like I usually
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  do when I work, so just a quick heads up.
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  In real news, okay, this is a crazy one from Alabama. It involves like a lot
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  of death, so just brace yourself.
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  I know we're starting off the morning really intense already.
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  So there's this 44-year-old guy named Daniel, and he strangled his girlfriend,
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  who is a 47-year-old woman named Jessica.
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  And then he put her body into his pickup truck and then drove it to like a super
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  remote wooded area to get rid of it. Super not cute, right?
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  So then the next day, someone sees his pickup truck just sitting in the middle
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  of dirt road the engine was still running like how did he still have amount
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  of that amount of gas but okay anyway and the driver's door was wide open,
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  and the truck door was down,
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  so obviously this guy called the police and then the police went out there and
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  they found Jessica and Daniel both lying there like dead but like right next to each other.
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  So then they did autopsies, obviously, and it showed that Jessica,
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  yes, so she died from being strangled.
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  But then Daniel, ironically, had a heart attack while dragging her out into the woods.
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  This is the first criminal case where the medical examiner was able to close two files at once.
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  This guy literally died trying to cover up a murder. Talk about your heart not being in it.
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  Yesterday, there was a full-on prison takeover in North Carolina,
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  like the kind that you see only on TV shows and movies.
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  Around 5 a.m., a bunch of inmates assaulted some guards and took control of
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  parts of the facility and took two correctional officers hostages.
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  At the time, there were 88 inmates and just three guards inside.
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  So obviously all of the local police, the FBI, the state police,
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  they all came around the jail and spent hours negotiating with them,
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  trying to end the standoff peacefully.
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  The two hostages were eventually released, and tactical teams regained control of the jail.
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  Everyone has survived, and all 88 inmates have since been transferred to other
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  facilities while they try to figure out how this even happened.
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  Three guards for 88 inmates sounds really strange. Like, obviously,
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  there would be a prison takeover. That makes no sense why they would staff that way.
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  I cannot do math for the life of me, but that's like a lot of inmates for just
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  one guard to have to cover at a time.
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  I hope those officers at least get paid very well, but chances are they probably are not.
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  Okay, and great news. Gracie the giraffe has officially been found after spending
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  nearly two weeks on the run in Texas.
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  Gracie is 1,200 pounds and she wandered about four miles from her ranch before
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  search crews finally spotted her from a helicopter.
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  She was just hanging out, eating some leaves and just living her best life.
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  She was super healthy and she will be transported back home in a specially designed giraffe trailer.
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  Okay, so Gracie has been missing for two weeks.
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  Like how does a giraffe go missing in the middle of Texas for two weeks.
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  She only went missing because she wandered through the wrong side of the gate,
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  which is exactly how I always just somehow end up in Times Square.
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  Even the ranch owner offered a $5,000 reward to anyone who could help find her.
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  Like this guy was able to lose a 1,200 pound animal for two weeks.
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  I really hope that he have any dogs in Lindsay life. So for work this week,
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  I'm working with some celebrities again.
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  And yesterday, I pretty much bought the entire store of Target.
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  And I was going around literally putting everything in my cart.
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  And one of the employees walked by and was like, oh my god, you're doing so
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  much shopping today. That looks so fun. Like, have fun.
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  But the reality, like, it sounds fun, it looks fun, it's a little fun,
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  but it's really not all that fun.
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  Lindsay Lessons, a lesson by Linz.
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  I've realized that 80% of problems disappear after you eat.
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  The other 20% don't go away.
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  Like, I'll find myself spiraling, like, oh my god, why did I just say that?
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  Should I have left the air conditioning on for my roommate, who won't be home for another four days?
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  Did I just miss an exit? Why hasn't he texted me back?
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  And then I remember, I haven't eaten all day, so I eat something.
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  And then I realize that, yes, 80% of the problems go away, and everything's
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  fine again, except there is that 20%. It still stays.
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  So if the problem still exists after you eat, then yes, that's how you know it's a real problem.
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  Cooking tip of the day. If your dinner can be eaten directly over the sink, it is not dinner.
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  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish by looking for a date,
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  email me at lindsay at thedailysarchist.com.
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  Thanks so much for listening. Talk to you guys tomorrow.