Latest / Heal Yourself Podcast / Episode 14: Navigating Boundaries for Personal Growth With Lisa Carpenter

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Episode 14: Navigating Boundaries for Personal Growth With Lisa Carpenter · Heal Yourself Podcast

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I'm Denise, a speech-language pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist, and we are here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind and soul.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: From the latest in functional medicine to nurturing your relationship with yourself, healing trauma and even transforming your money story.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: So, whether you're looking to heal physically, emotionally or spiritually, join us as we explore the many paths to wholeness and wellness.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Today I have Denise with me, but I also have a very special guest and someone that I have personally looked up to now for years Lisa Carpenter, and for the first time ever, I'm going to have you introduce yourself.
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: Oh, amazing, Because that's my favorite thing to do is to introduce myself First of all.
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: Thank you, ladies, both, for having me on.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: It's always such a pleasure to have conversations like this.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: I know it's going to be deep and rich and juicy, filled with all sorts of stuff.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: So how do I describe myself?
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: I have been a coach for over 20 years now.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: I work with successful men and women from around the globe, helping them to put down their overdoing, over-functioning busyness, creating more simplicity in their life so they can actually achieve a sense and a feeling of fulfillment and joy and peace and ease that thing they say they want, yet they keep getting, you know, trapped in the all the doing that they're doing every day.
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: So that's kind of, in a nutshell, how I support people.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: And something I know, denise and I can relate to, because we very often get stuck in the doing how?
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm curious how you got in the coaching space.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Like, did you just grow up and say, when I grow up, I'm going to be a coach?
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: No, actually this is a really good story.
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: Coaching was something that kind of happened to me and in fact, you know, when I look back on my teenage years and the drama as most of us went through as young women a lot of drama as women that I was terrified about what am I going to do when I grow up?
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: And I remember taking one of those tests back in high school that you know you answer the questions and it tells you what you're perfectly suited for.
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: And back then I was a girl with a lot of low self-esteem, didn't know who I was, where I fit in, and so I took this test and it came back that my destiny was to put shoes on horses and that like I love your face, denise, that like sealed, I like.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: So you take someone with low self-esteem and then I'm like, wow, that's it, like that's my life vision.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: But the irony is, you know, back when I graduated, coaching didn't exist Like my career.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: My career did not exist, the interwebs did not exist, like it wasn't even a thing.
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: So you know how I landed.
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: Here was basically, you know, I'd been working in corporate for years and years and years and wasn't really getting what I wanted.
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: It was a very, very male dominant world.
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: I was in sales, feeling underappreciated as we do when we're in our stuff and blaming other people for why we don't have the life we want.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: So I decided to go into business for myself.
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: I decided to get my personal training certification and I started a personal training business, to which my dad asked me when I was going to get a real job and I said, well, I'll show you as we do for achievers and you know, grew that into a successful business with a lot of problems and it just, you know, the coaching just it was always a part of it, it's always been a part of my world.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: It's just evolved now how I deliver that coaching.
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: So I moved into nutrition, did that for a lot of years and then, you know, slowly lit a match on that side of my business and fully stepped into just coaching in the in the way that I do now.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: So I still bring in a lot of health and wellness because it's just such a big part of the way that I do now.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: So I still bring in a lot of health and wellness because it's just such a big part of the work that I do, that foundation of wellness.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: But yeah, that's kind of how it transpired and it's pretty wild to look back over, you know, 20 plus years and just see how how much my career has evolved and changed and how I as a human being has evolved and changed.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I love it.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: A question popped up right now, lisa, in my head.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Get me, denise so you've mentioned you know that you also, you know help with.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: We are very busy, right, and we I was just talking to Kira we fill our life with busyness, we fill our life with fluff.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: You call them fluff and what is maybe some tips or some tangible tools that usually tell your clients or maybe yourself about all that, like you know, kind of like we over occupy our time with busyness and we leave no time or no energy for the important things.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: Well, the problem starts with thinking that busy is the problem, Because busy is never the problem.
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: You Well, the problem starts with thinking that busy is the problem, because busy is never the problem.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: You know, the problem is why we get ourselves trapped in busy, why we can't allow space for ourselves.
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: And most of the people that I work with, as much as they say they want peace and ease, that doesn't feel good for them.
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: They're more comfortable in chaos because that's how their nervous system has been running their entire lives.
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: So there's a very big difference between having a busy life and having a full life that you've consciously curated.
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: I have a full life, but I have a lot of boundaries around my schedule and my time.
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: I don't work from morning till night anymore, and one of the strategies that I take my clients through in my energy accelerator program is I have them do a doing diary.
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: It's very much like a food log, right?
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: So back in the day, I would have my clients track their food.
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: So no judgment, no shame.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: Like let's just write down what you're eating so we can get a really honest and clear picture of where you're spending your time.
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: And I have my clients do that with their date.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: Like how many times are you going into Instagram?
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: How much time are you losing there?
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: How much time are you spending on stuff that actually isn't supporting you creating the outcomes that you want in your life, because it is so easy to get trapped and busy when that's your default setting.
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: But if you want to have differently, you need to operate differently in the world, and it starts by looking at that addiction to being busy and the benefit that you're getting out of being being so busy.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: For the listeners.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: The three of us were at an event this past weekend together, and that was one of my big takeaways is my default.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: My safe place is being busy.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: It's very uncomfortable for me to take time for myself, and so that's something that I realized I've got to work on.
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: And I have a feeling that so many people out there resonate with that.
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: So a lot of that has to do with you're more comfortable doing things than being in relationship with yourself, right?
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: So imagine if you're, if you never had any time for your child or your partner because you are always too busy.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: What message would that send to them about how you feel about them, about the importance that you're putting on that relationship?
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: And that's really what it comes down to is most of us do not value the relationship that we're having with ourselves because we haven't been taught how to have a relationship with ourselves.
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: We don't even know what that looks like.
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: So we've attached our worthiness, our enoughness, our self-importance on all the things we're doing.
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: And if we're not busy doing all those things, well then, who are we?
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: What makes us matter?
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: What makes me important and this was a big part of my journey was recognizing like how much I had attached all my value as a human being on all the things that I was doing for myself, for others, for my family, and understanding that the worthiness that I was looking for, that sense of enough, wasn't ever going to come from something external.
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: It had to be a feeling that I cultivated in myself, and you cannot do that unless you create space and time to be in that relationship with yourself.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which is so important.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: And then I'm going to tie this back to boundaries, because when I think boundaries, your face pops in my mind.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: Sure, you love that, but I do.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: I feel like you're the queen of boundaries.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Has that always come easy to you, oh?
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: heck.
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: No, I didn't even know what boundaries were, right.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: So you know backstory on this.
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: My partner went into rehab over a decade ago and I went to a weekend.
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: It wasn't a seminar, it was like for the friends and family of the addict, right, and I went thinking that I was going to learn how to help him.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: Of the addict, right.
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: And I went thinking that I was going to learn how to help him and then they handed me my own ass and said we're going to teach you your role in this relationship and how you showing up is actually enabling how he's showing up.
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: So here I am, sitting in this room.
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: It was a very expensive rehab center, so these were like appellate court judges and police and like high, like people with like significant careers, and we're all sitting in our chairs looking around the room at like faces on the wall, like in a kindergarten class with like happy, sad.
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: Because none of us knew how to feel our feelings.
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: And when it came to talking about boundaries, I legit, I was like I don't get it.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: I'm like can you explain this for me?
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: Again, we had to role play and I was like I'm not understanding because I couldn't grasp that I didn't have to make everybody happy.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: I couldn't grasp that your feelings were actually not my responsibility.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: So it took me a significant amount of time to start to learn, to understand that I could set boundaries.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: And that didn't make me a bad person, didn't make me a mean girl, because that's how I associated boundaries Like people who said no to other people.
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: Well, they weren't as nice as me.
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: They obviously weren't as loving as me, they weren't as kind as me.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: So why would I want to start telling people no, no, not even realizing the cost to my energy, my time, my money, like there wasn't an area of my life that wasn't touched by me not having boundaries.
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: So learning how to have boundaries dramatically changed my life with other people, but also learning how to have boundaries with myself, learning how to parent myself.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: Right, like it's four o'clock, lisa.
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: Do we do not need to sit here for another three hours and write one more thing, one more thing, one more thing, while yelling at my kids, cause I'll be there in five minutes.
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: Five minutes, five more minutes, um.
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: So learning how to set boundaries with myself and then the.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: The problem with boundaries and why people struggle with them is because you have to expand your own capacity for discomfort.
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: I had to sit with that, those feelings of like, oh, I do feel like a mean person, and what if she doesn't like me?
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: Now?
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: And you know, walking away from my desk when I was setting boundaries with myself, I'm like, oh my God, but I just, I just need to get this thing done Right and saying like no, like Lisa, for for the 20 plus years I've been in business, I have never reached the bottom of my to-do list.
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: There will always be something else waiting for me.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: There will always be something else to do.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: I had to live.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: I had to live my life.
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: So yeah, boundaries are, they're so complicated for people because they get confused about what they are and what they aren't.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: They think it's about the other person.
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: It's not.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: It's about how you're going to step into responsibility for yourself and it's about managing your own discomfort.
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: And we live in a society where everything we do is about avoiding discomfort and even if we loop back to being busy all the time, it's because you're avoiding the discomfort of not doing anything, because most people put no value on rest, quiet, peace.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: Even though that's what they say they want, they don't, they don't know how to be with it.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: So oh, my goodness, I'm loving all this and I'm writing things down and you're answering them as I'm writing them down, so that's amazing.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: However, we have listeners who are not business owners, who are mothers and you know, stay at home moms, etc.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: I know because a lot of them listen to my podcast and I'm surrounded by dance, moms, dance moms.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: They lack boundaries for a lot of things.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: There we go Dance.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: Moms lack a lot of them.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: There we go, dance moms lack a lot of boundaries.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: So as so, yes, you know listening to everything that we're saying, you know setting boundaries because Kira and I talk about it.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: I talk also about it when I have workshops about boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: However, you mentioned the discomfort that we feel, or maybe the guilt, or me and a girl, and you kind of briefly touched base on how you dealt with it.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: But what do you will tell somebody who's wanting to, you know, start to put boundaries, but they are going to feel the ickiness and the like and the guilt.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: So what is it?
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Maybe a simple tool that can help, or a simple, you know, a perspective shift, or anything that you would say.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: The pain is the pathway.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like there is no simple tool, right, like there is no simple tool.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: It's learning how to expand your capacity to feel uncomfortable feelings, and we live in a world right now that is set up that we don't have to, and so many people are trapped in their emotions, trying to not feel their emotions Like it's so backwards, right, there is no easy way around.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: It's through.
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: So the metaphor that I use is like you're standing inside a ring of fire and the fire is closing in, so you can choose to step through the fire.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: You're going to get burned, but you're going to be on the outside of the fire and things are going to start to feel better.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: Or you could choose to continue to stand in the ring of fire, but it's going to get hotter and hotter.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: Your skin's going to blister, you're going to get burnt.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: You will never get away from the pain.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: So when you have the courage to just step through the discomfort, that's when things will start to change.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: The first time I set boundaries was with one of my business partners back in the day, because I was very caretaky, right, I want to make sure everybody felt loved and was good, and I was a good human.
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: So she was going through a rough time.
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: So I took on paying for her half of the lease of our fitness studio and then wondering why I'm not making any money and why I'm not profitable.
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: Well, no, kidding, you know, we had like an 8000 square foot facility.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: I'm not profitable.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: Well, no, kidding I, you know, we had like an 8,000 square foot facility.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: So I remember when my counselor looked at me and said only you can change this, lisa.
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: So you're going to either have to stay in the pain of continuing to pay this money, which is significantly impacting me, or you're going to have to set a boundary with her and let her know that from now on you're no longer going to pay her bill for her and she's going to have to figure it out.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: And I'm like but what if she doesn't figure it out?
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: And what about?
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: her family, Like will she be able to feed her kids?
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: And and I remember sitting there shaking as I was telling her I could no longer, I loved her and that I could no longer be responsible for paying her bills, and she said, okay, okay, I'll figure it out.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, okay, like having to override that part of me that was like oh nevermind, I'll just maybe it's just half, maybe we'll just like slowly ease into this.
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: And I was like, no, I'm going to, I'm going to hold this boundary.
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: And she left and I cried for a good hour because all those feelings of like, oh my God, I'm a bad person, and what if she doesn't figure.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: But you know what, she figured it out.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: She paid her lease on time every single month.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: So not only was I hurting myself by paying for that for her when I was trying to be nice, but I was robbing her of the opportunity to actually step into her own power and figure her stuff out.
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: Now, had I not done that, I would have stayed in that other pain of like having no money because I was paying that.
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: So there really is, you know, surround yourself with people who are like you can do this right.
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: Because then afterwards I'm like okay, so I did the thing.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: And now I feel like an awful human and my people supported me and said, no, you did, did the thing.
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: And now I feel like an awful human and my people supported me and said, no, you did a good thing, that was courageous.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: And every single time it's gotten easier, so that now I can set boundaries with my mother-in-law, which has been challenging at some times right, because it's the mother-in-law but I've had to hold, like, no, this is not okay for me, this is not okay for me, but the cost to me when I don't set boundaries is so much higher than when I do.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: The discomfort when I don't set the boundaries is worse than the discomfort when I do.
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: And even though you know I consider myself a real master at setting boundaries now, it doesn't mean that I still don't get hit with those feelings.
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: Setting boundaries now it doesn't mean that I still don't get hit with those feelings Every single time.
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: Something comes up for me that I have to work through and I just really love and support myself through the discomfort.
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: So that's the other tip is you know when you're feeling that way, whether it's guilt or shame or like now you're a bad person and it's like, can you?
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: Can you show up and really love yourself and show yourself compassion in those moments, just like you would?
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: If your best friend was like, hey, I'm feeling this way, you wouldn't say, well, tough, suck it up, like, get over it.
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: You would never say that to your best friend.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: So, showing up for yourself in the same way that you would for somebody that you really love, which again comes back to the whole.
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: Are you willing to be in relationship with yourself, because part of that is holding that loving and compassionate space for yourself.
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it is uncomfortable, like why?
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: We're all yeah, and we're telling people, the whole healing journey can be uncomfortable.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Setting boundaries, letting go of perfectionism, finding space, like all of that stuff can be very uncomfortable, but, like you said, you're still uncomfortable right now.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: Move through the shit and then perhaps it's a little less uncomfortable once you get to the other side.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: I think that's the thing.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: People think that doing the right things that are going to create the outcome that they want it should feel like, like rainbows and soft fuzzy kittens.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: And it never does Like.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: It often feels worse before it feels better.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: Because even if you look at people on their health journeys which, you know, I used to support people around that as well it's like if you're carrying an extra, you know, 100 pounds of weight and you want to be the most healthy version of yourself.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: Nothing about the changes that you're going to have to make are going to initially feel good yeah, until it does, yeah, and then it's worth it.
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: But it's that willingness to continue to keep going.
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: When that part of you that's like, oh, can't we just go back to the familiar suffering versus the new suffering.
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: That's where.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: That's where you really have to to um, show up with a lot of courage and compassion for yourself and and continue to just put one foot in front of the other.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you mentioned something early on and I'm going to bring this up uh, personal power.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: We hear a lot of that in the space now, in the coaching world, even in the health world.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: What does personal power mean for those that are like?
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: What the hell is that Like?
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: I'm always in my power.
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: Most people aren't in their power.
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: I know they are.
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: Most people are in deep levels of self-deception and they don't really know who they are.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: Most people leak their power.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: They give their power away like they're giving candy and snacks away.
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: So, for me, personal power is having an intimate relationship with myself.
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: Having an intimate relationship with myself where I can identify what I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing the good, the bad, the ugly, the shame, the guilt, the joy, all of it and knowing what I need to do to support myself in that moment, to do the thing, to do the thing that is in the greatest service of myself.
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: It doesn't mean I don't care about other people.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: It actually gives me a greater capacity to care and love for other people, right.
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: So knowing where I start and stop around those boundaries, knowing what I need to give to myself.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: So, for instance, we were at this event on the weekend lots of energy, lots of amazing humans in the room, right like over a thousand people there, and the old part of me, who was not in my power, would be like I need to meet all the people.
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: The new person is you know what you're going to connect with, who you need to connect to.
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: The old version of me, not in my power, I have to go, do all the things.
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: The new version of me, who is in my personal power, is like you know what that cocktail party is not for me, because what I need is to go to my room and be in stillness and be in my own space and replenish my own energy.
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: So to me, that's what personal power is is you know yourself so intimately, you know how to make the choices that support you being the best version of you at all times, even when you're not showing up as the best version of you.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: I love that you mentioned that.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: I love that you mentioned that because I know I needed to rest that day of coaching and I was like, kira, maybe you should have gone, but then I still won because she I was her guest.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: So I was like, oh, it's have gone, but then I still won because she I was her guest.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: So I was like, oh, it's okay, I'll.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Just because I did tell her.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: I said I have a very strong personality, I'm very assertive, so I can have people do what I want them to do.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: But I'm stepping away from that and kind of like respecting, but instead of telling her, you do your thing, I'll go back to the hotel, I was like, okay, I'll stick around with you, but I mean, I did, you know, learn something, but it wasn't really for me, because most of my business is, you know, I'm a speech therapist and you know it's kind of like it didn't really.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: You know so.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: But thank you for mentioning that Because even with we've done, kira and I have done so much healing and we still do it doing the work and you still find yourself sometimes going back to old patterns and you know, kind of wanting to please others.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: So just being patient and graceful with yourself and you keep mentioning that and just you know loving yourself and I love how you mentioned being in an intimate relationship with yourself.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: It's like you know how so many of us show up for our children, like we, as their parents, when they are minors, we have to make decisions for them that are in their best interest.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: Right, because we're like, okay, this doesn't feel good as a mom, I'm gonna say no to you because I know that this is in your best interest and I love you so much.
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: I'm willing to be okay with you not liking me in this moment because, as your mom, this is the decision I have to make.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: And then we don't do that for ourselves.
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: And that's what I mean about that, that discomfort.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: And you know, in life I work from the place that what is meant for me will not miss me.
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: So I cannot screw this up.
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: And as long as I'm always putting my needs first and again, that's not about being selfish.
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: It's about checking in and saying, like, what do I actually need to show up as my best self?
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: Everything is going to play out exactly as it's meant to for me.
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: I'm going to get the lessons that I need.
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: I'm going to meet the people that I'm going to meet.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and what a powerful place to work from, because I think it's so easy to fall back into the.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Well, what if I'm doing it wrong?
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: What if?
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: What if I was supposed to go to that event and I missed somebody?
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: Well, what if this?
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: You can get lost in the what ifs?
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that fear of missing out.
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: But when you're constantly living in the fear of missing out, you're actually robbing yourself of finding your own joy, right Like I.
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: Just if more people.
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: But here's the.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: In all fairness, though and this probably applies to the clients that you work with it applies to the clients that I work with.
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: When I ask my people you know, what do you want and need to actually feel your best, they don't know how to answer it.
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: Like if I say no kids, no partner, no job, what do you need you as a human to feel good about yourself?
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: They don't know how to answer because nobody ever taught them how to prioritize their own needs as women.
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: Practically from the time we come out of the womb, we're taught that you know everybody else is more important than us.
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: Don't make her feel bad, don't?
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: You know?
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: Make sure you share.
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: I'm not always a sharer.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: In fact, I remember being in the car with my son and his friend way back in the day and I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and and she's like, can I have a piece of gum?
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: And I said, no, that was the last piece.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: And she said, well, you should share it.
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: And I'm like I'm going to give you a tip you don't actually have to share your things.
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: I don't know who told you that story, but you don't.
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: You can actually say no, like I don't want to share with you, and that doesn't make you a bad person.
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: That's called a boundary, right?
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: Do you want to share your partner?
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: I don't want to share my partner, right?
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: Like, maybe some people want to share their partners, but like, we don't actually have to share.
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: But these are the type of things that we're taught, right, or you get what you get and you don't get upset.
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: So we've always been taught these stories.
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: As women, right, don't be the tall poppy.
• 25:42
  Speaker 3: That's an australian saying.
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: Like, don't stand out too much.
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: Um, you know that the if you're good, if you're always giving right, so make sure you're always like.
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: We're not really taught how to receive as women, so then we don't know how to receive from ourselves because we're not taught how to receive.
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: Like.
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: There's just there's so many things that have put women into where we are today.
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: But ultimately we can't blame anybody else or our circumstances, because each of us have an opportunity to start asking better questions of ourselves, rewrite our own stories and claim a different version of what it looks like to be a woman standing in her, her full power, and that's it's a cool place to be, and I also know that sometimes it makes me feel or not makes me feel, but I know that I've had women say to me that it's just so foreign for them.
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: So we see a confident woman and it can be so foreign for other women, right?
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: So then we get labeled as this, that and the other thing.
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: So I'm trying to diffuse that.
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: That's why, if you meet me in real life which we did I'm the same person, right, like I'm just.
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to diffuse that.
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: That's why, if you meet me in real life which we did I'm the same person, right, like I'm just.
• 26:47
  Speaker 3: I'm just a regular human like everybody else.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Go ahead, Denise.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: I saw you on mute, Lisa.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: And we don't celebrate the little girls or the girls or the women that are assertive, that do you know, speak up to them for themselves, and we call them she's too much, you know she is, she expresses her opinion too much, etc.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: So what do we do?
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: We try to like, oh there's something wrong with me or there's something wrong with that little girl.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: So thank you also for mentioning that, and we need to celebrate those little girls that, do you know, speak up and they do express their opinions.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they're not too much.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: They're amazing.
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: That's the thing, you know.
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: None of us are too much and you know I love that.
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: I'm in a phase in my life now where I can be surrounded by other you know, powerful, inspiring women who are there like they're the first people that are going to stand up and cheer and clap for me.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: I'm not taking anything away from them, but when we're younger at least my experience was you know, don't shine too bright because somebody else will feel bad.
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: Don't be too much of a star because somebody else will feel bad, and I think as a as an empath, I could always kind of like pick up on people's feelings, right?
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: I don't even know if that was something that was told to me or if it was just something that I sensed, but nobody ever came to me and said you know what?
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: You're allowed to shine as bright as you want and celebrate that.
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: So now, as grown women, it is our responsibility to give ourselves high fives, to celebrate the things, because what I see so often with women is we minimize.
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: We minimize things in our life that are actually a big deal.
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: Like you gave birth, that's not like a little thing.
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: It's a big thing to have a baby like that you serve you're surviving or thriving through motherhood.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: Right, we need to celebrate all of our wins and then we need to surround ourselves with other women who can celebrate those wins with us.
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: So if you are surrounded by people who you constantly feel like you have to make yourself small to fit in, that's not a them problem.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: That's where you're not actually stepping fully into your own personal power and saying, wait a minute, like how do I want to feel in the relationships I'm in with myself and with the other people around me, cause those will make or break you.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and this may be off kilter a little bit, but I feel like as you grow, as you build that personal power and as you truly start to heal, some of those relationships fall away because you realize you were catering to them for all of those years and those relationships no longer serve you, which is hard as hell to come to terms with, but sometimes we need to hear that.
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I've had so many relationships in my life.
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: Um, you know, I know some people like live and breathe their high school years.
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: That was not me.
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: I was like was like peace out, and I still have a lot of friends from high school.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: But that doesn't mean I have a lot in common with them anymore.
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: So I still love them and wish them well and you know we stay loosely in contact.
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: But you know the, the female friends that I've built from my you know, mid 40s forward man, these are when people used to talk about sisterhood, I was like it made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit.
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: I had no context for that because women for me growing up always felt like women were always so cruel, Like I think a lot of us have female friend wounds.
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: I know I had a lot Right.
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: This whole idea of like sisterhood I'm like this feels gross for me.
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: And now I've actually met women who I truly consider sisters and in fact I would say some of my relationships, especially the relationship with my best friend, that is probably one of the most intimate relationships in my life, Like the healing and growth from that because you know we have such open and honest conversations.
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: We call each other on our stuff, we say the things that you're like oh my God, are we going to be able to get through this as a friendship?
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: Like we have those conversations and I cannot imagine not having that in my life, but again it was.
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: It's getting myself into rooms with, with women who are really committed to doing that work on themselves so that they could show up healed and whole in a relationship.
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: So that is possible.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: You know that is possible for all women.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: It does.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: This is a tough question because I mean, honestly, I'll say whoever wants to answer this how do you recommend people get started on this journey?
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: Meaning there's so much shit right?
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: Like people come to us and they're like I don't, I have no boundaries, I'm a perfectionist, my relationships suck, Everything's toxic.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: Like you can't do all the things, Do you just hold up a mirror and start to look at your own crap?
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: So I think, for everybody.
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: This is my own personal opinion.
• 31:42
  Speaker 3: I think that there has to be a come to Jesus moment, a massive catalyst, a bomb going off in your life, some kind of you know.
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: Something needs to happen.
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: Nobody wakes up and goes.
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: I think I'll start feeling my feelings today and work on my people.
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: Pleasing tendencies Said nobody ever right.
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: The friendship dies, the relationship goes to hell, there's an illness, there's a death, there's something that is that thing, and each of us are standing at our own doors or gateways to welcome people in who understand.
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: So you know, for my clients, they've reached a certain level of success, right, they've done the things, they've ticked all the boxes.
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: There's no more certification.
• 32:25
  Speaker 3: They're there and they're like whoa, okay.
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: But I'm still not feeling how I thought I was supposed to feel.
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: I followed the rules, I played the game, I got the kids, I got the husband, I got the money, I got the car, I got the thing.
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: But I don't have time, I don't have energy, my health is not feeling good, I don't feel fulfilled, there's no peace in my life, I'm constantly anxious.
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: So that's, that's the doorway right.
• 32:52
  Speaker 3: When they wake up and go, oh, this isn't actually working for me.
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: Time and energy are a big problem with my clients.
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: For you it might be something like their health.
• 33:02
  Speaker 3: Right, they reach out because they can't do this anymore.
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: Right, they can't do this anymore.
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: So everybody needs to look at what is the thing in your life that is causing you pain that you are not choosing to be responsible for, meaning like nobody is coming to save you.
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: Right, they're like like nobody's coming to save you.
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: You have to be your own hero and I think for so many women, the thought of putting themselves first, investing in themselves, deciding that they're worthy enough to get support and help.
• 33:36
  Speaker 3: So, you know, for me in my life it was when my hubby went to rehab and then I could either choose to lean in or say screw you and, like you know, off I go.
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: But I knew right, you can avoid and walk away from all the things.
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: I don't care what happens in your life, you can avoid and walk away.
• 33:54
  Speaker 3: We're masters of doing this as humans.
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: But you are going with you everywhere.
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: You cannot outrun yourself.
• 34:00
  Speaker 3: So if you don't clean up your relationship, shit, but you leave your.
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: You know you leave your partner because that he's the problem.
• 34:05
  Speaker 3: Those problems are going to follow you into the next relationship because you were part of that equations.
• 34:11
  Speaker 3: They might look a little different, but it's going to be the same thing Health stuff.
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: We know this right.
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: Like you pull one through it, it just becomes this domino effect.
• 34:19
  Speaker 3: So at what point do you say, like the only person that can be responsible for making this better?
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: Is me right, if you're struggling with your money stuff, the only person that can change that?
• 34:31
  Speaker 3: It's not about changing the external circumstances, and this is where people get stuck.
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: They're trying to fix the wrong problem.
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: Right, we've come to learn like well, if I just had more money, that would fix the problem.
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: If my kids were just behaving, that would fix the problem.
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: If my kids were just behaving, that would fix the problem.
• 34:47
  Speaker 3: If she would just do what I would say, then that would fix the problem.
• 34:52
  Speaker 3: But we are always the problem, but we're not broken, you know, but it is.
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: I believe that we're all put on this planet and then we're going to have opportunities.
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: We'll call them opportunities to explore ourselves and we can either take the opportunity or not.
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: And if you don't take that opportunity, the universe will just be like well, I'll just give you another one in three months.
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: We were talking about.
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: They move from pillow fights to two by fours in terms of how they hit you right like soft feather, um.
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: But ultimately, yeah, if you don't have what you want in your life and you're looking around and you're blaming everything outside of yourself for why that is the case, perhaps, listening to this episode, you will take a step back and consider oh, what if I am the common denominator?
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: What if I work on myself?
• 35:39
  Speaker 3: That will fix things.
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: Because I tell you all the things that have happened in my life, all the struggles that I've I've gone through, it was never about having more money, better behave kids, more clients, uh, better, you know my, my partner being, a certain way, it was all hinging on my ability to step into my personal power, create that intimate relationship with myself, put down all the stuff.
• 36:03
  Speaker 3: That wasn't really who I was, but we're just learned coping behaviors, you know, to navigate my life and, and as they have fallen away, that's what I've, that's how I've created what I wanted and that's available to everybody.
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: There's so many free resources out there.
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: I mean go read a book, hire a coach, get a therapist, whatever, like.
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: There's so many different just get in.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: That intimate relationship with yourself is like you said you are the one.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: There's nobody else coming, you know, magically just dropping from the sky to save you.
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: You're gonna, you know you're going to do the work.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: And thank you for humoring me with that question, cause I know it was a loaded one, but you know what you delivered, exactly what needs to be said, because Denise just said it too.
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: So many people think someone is coming to save them and I'm saying this for everyone listening with the health issue, because for years that's who I would attract, those that would say just fix me, just, you must not have put me on the right supplement, it's gotta be another supplement.
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: Maybe this food is the issue.
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: And so I was spiraling trying to help them until I started to realize there's a deeper issue.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: No, I can't save you, I can't fix you.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: You're not broken.
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: The healing has to start from the inside.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: Sure, I can support you with the other stuff, but I think that is so important to hear, because in this day and age, people want someone to just tell them what to do.
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: Let me Amazon prime these emotions my health, whatever it is, and it doesn't work that way.
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: And that what you said there is so important, right?
• 37:32
  Speaker 3: Because, coming back to that idea of personal power, somebody coming to you as a practitioner, like you said, you can walk shoulder to shoulder with them, but you can't actually.
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: You can't actually fix the problem.
• 37:41
  Speaker 3: That's not your responsibility.
• 37:43
  Speaker 3: Your job is to be there as a guide, but so often we hand our personal power over to other practitioners, to the people in the white coats, that they should know what's best for us and at the end of the day, that is our responsibility.
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: Your body, your relationships, all of it.
• 37:58
  Speaker 3: It is your responsibility and I get that.
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: You know people might be listening, thinking, but I've got so many other responsibilities right now, but that's part of the problem.
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: You're responsible for the wrong things and you're not being responsible for the things that truly matter.
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: So it's creating space so that you can take care of what really matters, and there's no pill powder, potion diet, like there's nothing out there.
• 38:23
  Speaker 3: Those things can support you, but ultimately it's your beliefs and behaviors around what it is you're trying to create, that need to shift, and it's listen, it's not.
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: This work isn't a lot of fun most days, like it's just again in the ring of fire and just again in the ring of fire.
• 38:42
  Speaker 3: And I personally have stood in the ring of fire Like no, no, I'm just no, I'm going to no, I'm just going to keep tolerating it Like I've been.
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: I've been there and it's so worth it.
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: On the other side, like, once you start, it'll so significantly change your life.
• 38:59
  Speaker 3: But I can't convince someone to do the work, and nor is that my job.
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: People come to me when they are ready to get serious about the changes they want to create, and that's it.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: I know we've talked a lot.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: We tried to keep those episodes short.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: However, you're amazing and so many you know so much important information was shared and so many you know so much important information was shared.
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: Lisa, is there anything else that you would like to, you know, share, just kind of?
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: Is there anything else that you would like to share before we end the episode?
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: That you have to get off your chest.
• 39:36
  Speaker 3: I can talk for hours, so now you know what.
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: I think we've shared a lot of really good things and hopefully you know your listeners will take in what we're saying and really take a step back.
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: I think it's so easy, like I said, for us to get into self deception and say that's them and not me.
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: And when we have the courage to just really take assessment of our life, like take an audit of our lives and say what is working and what is not working in my life and be honest what am I tolerating in my life?
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: What do I no longer want to tolerate and what do I actually want and how do I want to feel?
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: Like those questions alone.
• 40:17
  Speaker 3: If you can sit down and answer them as honestly as possible, we will start to change your frame of reality.
• 40:24
  Speaker 3: You'll start to see the world a little bit differently.
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: But so often again, because we're so busy trying to outrun ourselves, we don't even pause long enough to ask ourselves the important questions, the simplest question that could change your life.
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: So you know, if one listener gets one thing out of this and they make one change, like we're winning, because that's what this work is about for all of us right, we're you.
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: You just don't know what that one thing is going to be for that one person, and we'll probably never even know what it was, because most of us don't even circle back to say, hey, you did that thing.
• 40:57
  Speaker 3: So that's what I, that's what I wish for your listeners that they found something in here that really landed for them.
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: And I love that you mentioned the stepping back because, again, you know, kira and I have been doing so much work but even with those three days, both of us really stepped back and after those three days and, kind of like, evaluated a lot of the things and we already started implementing things to fit and to align with the, the best versions of ourselves, with the versions we want to be, create the space.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: So, you know, everyone can benefit from stepping back and looking so thank you so much.
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: I'll challenge you.
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: Go ahead.
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: I would love for each of you, every month, to put a day on your calendar.
• 41:47
  Speaker 3: That is for nothing.
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: Ooh Damn, that's uncomfortable, every month One day, that is, you can be dreaming about your business, you can be whatever it is in your life that you want, but one day that you actually create space, intentional space to just be.
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: So you're not doing like.
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: It's great that you're coming back and you're wanting to implement all this stuff After just telling me we've learned we need to slow down a little bit, but all you're both doing is putting your foot on the gas, right?
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: Whereas can you create some space, right?
• 42:23
  Speaker 3: It's even unusual for me to be doing a podcast episode after being an event, because typically, when I'm away the first day, I'm back.
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: That's an off day for me, but you know, sometimes scheduling snafus and this is all working the way it's supposed to.
• 42:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, right, we're meant to have this conversation, but getting very intentional about creating that white space, because we cannot create in the chaos.
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: But we keep telling ourselves that we get enthusiastic about wanting to do things, but if you just allow yourself to pause, pump the brakes, slow down, create that intentional space, you will get so much more done in less time.
• 42:58
  Speaker 3: Beautiful advice being the little duck with your feet going underwater right, looks, looks calm up top, but you're like going underwater.
• 43:07
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, one day a month one day a month.
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: That's it, we're committed.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: We're committed one day a month and you know what?
• 43:14
  Speaker 3: yeah, you can work up to like one week a month, so that every three weeks.
• 43:18
  Speaker 3: Every three weeks you've got a week for doing whatever you want.
• 43:22
  Speaker 3: Nothing you can write, create, but it's just.
• 43:25
  Speaker 3: It's just space, space to expand your business.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: You love that thank you well, thank you so much.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us.
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: That was beautiful.
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: It was also coaching for us.
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: That's crazy.
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: So please make sure that you share this episode with one person that might need to hear something that we said, something that Lisa said.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: Write us a review, let us know what you think, and thank you so much for tuning in and we'll see you next time.