Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / From Being Held In Mind To Becoming A Self

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From Being Held In Mind To Becoming A Self · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: This is episode three in the series Facing Psychological Reality.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: And in this episode, I want to focus on attachment and the birth of internal reality.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: In the previous episode or episodes, we explored two essential ideas.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: The first was that we don't simply live in the world around us, we live in the mind within us.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Second, that the experience or when those experiences become overwhelming, the mind protects itself through mechanisms that we call defense.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: So we need to go a little deeper because before defense, before conscious memory, before language, there is relationship.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it's within relationship that internal reality is born.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when I use the term relationship describing something that is happening between two people, I'm talking about a kind of connection which is neurobiological, physiological, psychological, behavioral, and emotional.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's an evolving process that is fed by numerous factors.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Now attachment is the concept of a relationship in which caregiver and care receiver have a sense of connectedness that will have particular qualities.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's not dependency, although it's true to say that when the infant is first first arrives, it is of course entirely dependent in every way possible.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And parents will know this only too well.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: But after about six weeks or so, something else alongside the dependency is growing, and that is the beginnings of attachment.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Traditional theory says that the attachment formation period lasts for about two years, but more up-to-date thinking says that the attachment formation type or style continues to evolve, but the foundations are within those first two years.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: So attachment isn't just closeness, it's not dependency, and it's certainly not weakness.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's an emotional bond which through which the child learns, Am I safe?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Do I matter?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Are my feelings bearable?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Is the world predictable?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Can distress be survived?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: But long before a child understands facts, they're absorbing the emotional experiences.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: They're not asking, is my parent perfect?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: They are asking often unconsciously, when I am distressed, what happens next?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I say asking, because of course infants don't ask.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: What they do is they demonstrate through behavior, but everything that is being experienced and internalized creates a template within the brain.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And this is really very important because that template will continue to influence the child's development and their subsequent relationships with others.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, in a sense, whilst they don't think in narrative terms, they think in terms of sensation, they experience.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And things like hunger, warmth, fear, comfort, absence, and return.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: And when distress is met with consistent, attuned care, something powerful begins to happen.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: The child internalizes the experience of being held in mind.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I th this is one of one of my favorite terms being held in mind.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And it comes from I think from somebody who wrote a book of the same title.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: But the notion that you exist in someone else's mind, even when they're not with you, or you're not with them, but you can feel that sense of connectedness to the person who is not there because you have experienced them in enough ways to demonstrate and reinforce that you exist inside that person.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Over time, this becomes an internal template.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: It says things like, My feelings can be managed, I can survive upset, I'm not alone with my distress, or when the person goes away, they come back.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: And this becomes the foundation of psychological reality.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Not the world as it objectively is, but the world as it feels.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Another principle that is really important is the notion of containment.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when a baby cries, they're not manipulating, they're overwhelmed.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: If a caregiver can receive that distress without becoming overwhelmed themselves, something transformative happens.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because the parent is holding the emotion, making sense of it, and responding and returning it in a manageable form.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And gradually the child learns I can be aware of and manage what I feel.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And this process is the birth of internal thinking.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Without it, feelings just remain raw.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: With it, feelings become something that can be processed.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Attachment isn't simply about love, it's about emotional regulation through relationship.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: But when attachment is uncertain and no parent is perfect, and children do not require perfection, what they require is enough consistency to build trust in emotional survival, hence the term, a good enough parent.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: But when the attachment becomes unpredictable or ruptured, when distress is sometimes met with comfort, but then sometimes with withdrawal, sometimes with anger, the internal world becomes less stable.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And the child may begin to organize internally around uncertainty.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: You might see hypervigilance, control, withdrawal, excessive compliance, or emotional shutdown.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now these aren't personality flaws, they're adaptations.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: The child is asking internally, how do I stay safe in this relationship?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that question shapes identity.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Some years ago I saw a video that I quite often quote when I'm teaching that had to do with attachment and internalization with mother and child.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And the video showed the child in a high chair, and the mother was sitting in front of the child engaging.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: And they were playing.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then the mother just froze.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And she just looked at the child and stopped moving.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now bear in mind this is an experiment.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And the child at first looked sort of puzzled, but then tried to re-engage the mother in play.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And the mother didn't respond.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And the child tried again, but clearly was becoming distressed to such an extent that it put its hands up by the side of its head and turned away and began to cry.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: But essentially, and I did find it hard because I can't bear to see children in that kind of distress.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: But this is this was an experiment, but what it illustrated was interruption or rupture in the attachment cycle is experienced by the child.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Now just imagine if, for whatever reasons, that was the child's consistent experience, that the attachment figure was there and engaged and then disappeared.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Emotional unavailability and unpredictability causes children to take positions that protect themselves from the confusion and the fear and distress.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: So if distress that is repeatedly dismissed, the child might internalize, my feelings are too much, I should not need whatever I need, I must cope the line.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: But if the caregiver is consistently emotionally available, the child internalizes that their feelings make sense, they can ask for help and they're worthy of care.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: But the really fascinating thing, of course, is that these internal beliefs form silently, but they become the lens through which future relationships are experienced.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: And the internal world is not just an abstract, it becomes a lived identity.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I want to just make the point that there are times when parents, and I'm using the word mother, but this applies just as much to fathers, for whatever reasons emotional availability gets compromised.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we have to be aware of it certainly in acute cases, if we have parents who have mental illness, addiction, if the household is one where there is an abusive relationship taking place, then the emotional availability, preoccupation, and holding in mind are all compromised.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: So, and this is again not to direct blame at anyone, it's really about understanding context.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I want to just fast forward to adolescence, and I've said in previous podcasts that adolescents are people who are both three years old and 25.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: But with adolescents, very often attachment is tested, and it can it can look like their behavior can look like separation.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: But actually, underneath the push for independence lies a deeper question.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Is the attachment secure enough for me to step away?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because when attachment has provided emotional containment, adolescence becomes a kind of stretching process, something tense but survivable.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when attachment has been unstable for whatever reasons, adolescence can feel like collapse, fragmentation, or emotional retreat.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: The young person actually is not rejecting relationship.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: They may be protecting themselves from the fear of losing it, but that of course is not immediately obvious.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: And the parent's ongoing role is an interesting one because attachment doesn't end in infancy, it continues to evolve, and teenagers who appear distant are still measuring and seeking emotional safety.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: The question remains when I struggle, will someone understand?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: Parents can't remove distress from their child's lineups, but they can provide something really important, a stable emotional presence, as much as that's able to be accomplished.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Not perfect words, not constant solutions, but steadiness and something which helps to build internal strength.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: And steadiness is very often the thing that does that.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: So attachment is where internal reality begins and it shapes how we experience safety, how we tolerate emotion, how we form identity, and how we relate to truth.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Understanding attachment, therefore, has to be seen in the context of it is not to do with blame, but it is about awareness.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because when we understand how internal reality is formed, we can begin to shape it differently in ourselves and our children.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really a quite privileged position, even if at times it really doesn't feel like it.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Many of the young people I work with say the most incredible things.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's like a kind of adolescent bravado, but it's sort of it's turbocharged at times.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: And my response is just pretty pretty much constant, that no, I'm not surprised, no, I'm not shocked, no, I don't challenge, I listen, and what I've found over the years is that the more I listen to whatever it is that I'm being told, the less likely it is to happen.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because very often allowing children and adolescents to talk out what they're experiencing means they don't have to act or behave out.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Less is more in situations like that.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Saying less is more.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: In the next episode we will explore identity, how it forms, how it can become rigid, and why certainty can sometimes function as protection rather than integration, because the self is not born fixed, and as I've said, it's shaped in relationship.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: I look forward to offering you episode four very soon.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.