Latest / Notes to Her / Note 52: Stop Being So Mean to Yourself

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Note 52: Stop Being So Mean to Yourself · Notes to Her

• 0:17
  Hey,
• 0:17
  girl.
• 0:17
  Hey.
• 0:17
  Welcome
• 0:18
  back
• 0:18
  to
• 0:18
  Notes
• 0:18
  to
• 0:18
  Her,
• 0:18
  the
• 0:19
  daily
• 0:19
  pep
• 0:19
  talk.
• 0:19
  I'm
• 0:20
  Yaya,
• 0:20
  your
• 0:20
  confidence
• 0:21
  and
• 0:21
  mindset
• 0:21
  coach,
• 0:22
  here
• 0:22
  to
• 0:22
  help
• 0:22
  you
• 0:23
  stop
• 0:23
  shrinking,
• 0:24
  stop
• 0:24
  abandoning
• 0:24
  yourself,
• 0:25
  and
• 0:25
  start
• 0:25
  treating
• 0:26
  yourself
• 0:26
  like
• 0:26
  someone
• 0:27
  you
• 0:27
  actually
• 0:28
  care
• 0:28
  about.
• 0:29
  And
• 0:29
  this
• 0:29
  note,
• 0:30
  this
• 0:31
  one
• 0:31
  might
• 0:31
  sting
• 0:32
  a
• 0:32
  little
• 0:33
  bit,
• 0:33
  because
• 0:33
  we
• 0:34
  need
• 0:34
  to
• 0:34
  talk
• 0:34
  about
• 0:35
  the
• 0:35
  way
• 0:35
  that
• 0:35
  you
• 0:35
  speak
• 0:36
  to
• 0:36
  yourself.
• 0:37
  The
• 0:37
  eye
• 0:37
  rolls,
• 0:38
  the
• 0:38
  insults,
• 0:40
  the
• 0:40
  what's
• 0:40
  wrong
• 0:41
  with
• 0:41
  you,
• 0:41
  the
• 0:42
  you've
• 0:42
  messed
• 0:43
  things
• 0:43
  up
• 0:43
  again.
• 0:45
  I
• 0:45
  hate
• 0:45
  to
• 0:45
  break
• 0:45
  it
• 0:46
  to
• 0:46
  you,
• 0:46
  but
• 0:46
  if
• 0:47
  you
• 0:47
  are
• 0:47
  constantly
• 0:48
  criticizing
• 0:48
  yourself,
• 0:49
  belittling
• 0:50
  yourself,
• 0:51
  tearing
• 0:52
  yourself
• 0:52
  down,
• 0:54
  that's
• 0:54
  not
• 0:54
  discipline.
• 0:55
  That's
• 0:56
  self
• 0:56
  hatred.
• 1:06
  We
• 1:06
  like
• 1:06
  to
• 1:06
  soften
• 1:07
  it.
• 1:07
  We
• 1:08
  call
• 1:08
  it
• 1:08
  being
• 1:09
  hard
• 1:09
  on
• 1:09
  myself.
• 1:10
  We
• 1:11
  call
• 1:11
  it
• 1:12
  high
• 1:12
  standards.
• 1:13
  We
• 1:13
  call
• 1:14
  it
• 1:14
  just
• 1:15
  trying
• 1:15
  to
• 1:15
  be
• 1:15
  better.
• 1:16
  But
• 1:17
  when
• 1:17
  your
• 1:17
  inner
• 1:17
  voice
• 1:18
  sounds
• 1:18
  like
• 1:19
  you're
• 1:19
  a
• 1:19
  loser,
• 1:20
  why
• 1:21
  did
• 1:21
  you
• 1:21
  even
• 1:21
  try?
• 1:23
  You're
• 1:23
  never
• 1:23
  going
• 1:23
  to
• 1:23
  get
• 1:24
  it
• 1:24
  right.
• 1:25
  Why
• 1:25
  can't
• 1:25
  you
• 1:26
  just
• 1:26
  be
• 1:26
  normal?
• 1:28
  That's
• 1:28
  not
• 1:28
  motivation.
• 1:29
  That's
• 1:30
  an
• 1:30
  inner
• 1:30
  bully.
• 1:31
  And
• 1:31
  self
• 1:32
  hatred
• 1:32
  doesn't
• 1:32
  always
• 1:33
  look
• 1:33
  dramatic.
• 1:34
  Sometimes
• 1:34
  it
• 1:35
  looks
• 1:35
  like
• 1:35
  constant
• 1:36
  comparison,
• 1:37
  like
• 1:37
  never
• 1:37
  celebrating
• 1:38
  your
• 1:38
  wins,
• 1:39
  like
• 1:39
  replaying
• 1:40
  your
• 1:40
  mistakes
• 1:40
  on
• 1:41
  a
• 1:41
  loop,
• 1:42
  like
• 1:42
  believing
• 1:42
  you
• 1:43
  are
• 1:43
  fundamentally
• 1:44
  flawed.
• 1:46
  But
• 1:46
  here's
• 1:46
  the
• 1:47
  thing.
• 1:47
  Self
• 1:48
  doubt
• 1:48
  is
• 1:48
  human.
• 1:49
  But
• 1:50
  self
• 1:50
  hatred,
• 1:51
  that's
• 1:52
  learned.
• 1:53
  Self
• 1:53
  hatred
• 1:53
  is
• 1:54
  like
• 1:54
  having
• 1:54
  a
• 1:54
  little
• 1:55
  bully
• 1:55
  sitting
• 1:55
  inside
• 1:56
  your
• 1:56
  head,
• 1:57
  constantly
• 1:57
  pointing
• 1:58
  out
• 1:58
  your
• 1:58
  flaws.
• 1:59
  That
• 2:00
  voice
• 2:00
  didn't
• 2:00
  appear
• 2:01
  overnight.
• 2:02
  It
• 2:02
  built
• 2:02
  up
• 2:02
  over
• 2:03
  time.
• 2:04
  So
• 2:05
  now
• 2:05
  let's
• 2:05
  call
• 2:05
  this
• 2:06
  out.
• 2:06
  Because
• 2:06
  most
• 2:07
  of
• 2:07
  the
• 2:07
  time,
• 2:07
  that
• 2:08
  harsh
• 2:08
  voice
• 2:08
  isn't
• 2:09
  even
• 2:09
  yours.
• 2:10
  It's
• 2:11
  internalized.
• 2:12
  It's
• 2:12
  the
• 2:12
  echo
• 2:13
  of
• 2:14
  a
• 2:14
  parent
• 2:14
  who
• 2:14
  criticized
• 2:15
  more
• 2:15
  than
• 2:15
  they
• 2:15
  affirmed,
• 2:16
  A
• 2:17
  teacher
• 2:17
  who
• 2:17
  embarrassed
• 2:18
  you,
• 2:18
  a
• 2:19
  quote
• 2:19
  who
• 2:19
  equated
• 2:19
  approval
• 2:20
  with
• 2:20
  performance,
• 2:21
  a
• 2:22
  culture
• 2:22
  who
• 2:22
  rewarded
• 2:23
  you
• 2:23
  only
• 2:23
  when
• 2:24
  you
• 2:24
  achieved.
• 2:26
  It's
• 2:26
  that
• 2:26
  voice
• 2:27
  that
• 2:27
  said,
• 2:27
  you
• 2:28
  could
• 2:28
  have
• 2:28
  done
• 2:28
  better.
• 2:30
  Why
• 2:30
  aren't
• 2:30
  you
• 2:30
  more
• 2:31
  like,
• 2:32
  stop
• 2:32
  being
• 2:33
  so
• 2:33
  sensitive?
• 2:34
  So
• 2:34
  you
• 2:34
  absorbed
• 2:35
  it.
• 2:35
  You
• 2:36
  turned
• 2:36
  it
• 2:36
  inward.
• 2:37
  And
• 2:37
  now
• 2:37
  when
• 2:38
  you
• 2:38
  mess
• 2:38
  up,
• 2:38
  you
• 2:39
  don't
• 2:39
  just
• 2:39
  correct
• 2:40
  yourself,
• 2:40
  you
• 2:40
  attack
• 2:41
  yourself.
• 2:41
  And.
• 2:42
  And
• 2:43
  here's
• 2:43
  what's
• 2:43
  really
• 2:43
  heartbreaking.
• 2:45
  You
• 2:45
  think
• 2:45
  that
• 2:45
  that
• 2:46
  voice
• 2:46
  is
• 2:46
  protecting
• 2:47
  you.
• 2:48
  You
• 2:48
  think
• 2:48
  that
• 2:48
  if
• 2:49
  you're
• 2:49
  hard
• 2:49
  on
• 2:49
  yourself,
• 2:50
  you'll
• 2:51
  avoid
• 2:51
  failure.
• 2:53
  If
• 2:53
  you
• 2:53
  criticize
• 2:54
  yourself
• 2:54
  first,
• 2:55
  no
• 2:55
  one
• 2:55
  else
• 2:55
  can
• 2:56
  hurt
• 2:56
  you.
• 2:56
  It's
• 2:57
  often
• 2:57
  why
• 2:57
  you
• 2:57
  make
• 2:57
  a
• 2:58
  joke
• 2:58
  about
• 2:58
  yourself.
• 2:59
  Because
• 2:59
  you
• 2:59
  want
• 2:59
  to
• 2:59
  call
• 3:00
  out
• 3:00
  your
• 3:00
  insecurity
• 3:01
  before
• 3:01
  someone
• 3:01
  else
• 3:02
  does.
• 3:03
  I
• 3:03
  know
• 3:04
  I
• 3:04
  need
• 3:04
  to
• 3:04
  lose
• 3:04
  a
• 3:04
  few
• 3:05
  pounds.
• 3:06
  If
• 3:06
  I
• 3:06
  wasn't
• 3:06
  so
• 3:07
  ditzy,
• 3:07
  I
• 3:07
  could
• 3:07
  probably
• 3:08
  figure
• 3:08
  this
• 3:08
  out.
• 3:09
  It's
• 3:09
  because
• 3:10
  I'm
• 3:10
  so
• 3:10
  short.
• 3:11
  I'm
• 3:12
  so
• 3:12
  clumsy.
• 3:12
  I'm
• 3:13
  always
• 3:13
  dropping
• 3:13
  things.
• 3:15
  That
• 3:15
  voice
• 3:16
  doesn't
• 3:17
  protect
• 3:17
  you.
• 3:17
  It
• 3:18
  wounds
• 3:18
  you.
• 3:20
  Now,
• 3:20
  I
• 3:20
  want
• 3:20
  to
• 3:21
  connect
• 3:21
  this
• 3:21
  to
• 3:21
  Confidence
• 3:22
  so
• 3:23
  you
• 3:23
  see
• 3:23
  how
• 3:23
  important
• 3:24
  it
• 3:24
  is.
• 3:25
  When
• 3:25
  you
• 3:25
  are
• 3:25
  constantly
• 3:26
  tearing
• 3:26
  yourself
• 3:27
  down.
• 3:27
  Your
• 3:28
  body
• 3:28
  doesn't
• 3:28
  interpret
• 3:29
  that
• 3:29
  as
• 3:29
  growth.
• 3:30
  Your
• 3:30
  nervous
• 3:31
  system
• 3:31
  interprets
• 3:32
  that
• 3:32
  as
• 3:32
  a
• 3:33
  threat.
• 3:34
  When
• 3:34
  you
• 3:34
  call
• 3:34
  yourself
• 3:35
  stupid,
• 3:36
  when
• 3:36
  you
• 3:36
  tell
• 3:36
  yourself
• 3:37
  you
• 3:37
  always
• 3:37
  mess
• 3:38
  up.
• 3:38
  When
• 3:38
  you
• 3:39
  replay
• 3:39
  mistakes
• 3:40
  aggressively,
• 3:41
  your
• 3:41
  body
• 3:41
  goes
• 3:42
  into
• 3:42
  stress,
• 3:43
  cortisol
• 3:44
  rises,
• 3:44
  your
• 3:45
  chest
• 3:45
  heightens,
• 3:46
  and
• 3:46
  your
• 3:46
  brain
• 3:47
  shifts
• 3:47
  into
• 3:47
  defense
• 3:48
  mold.
• 3:49
  You
• 3:49
  cannot
• 3:50
  access
• 3:50
  confidence
• 3:50
  from
• 3:51
  a
• 3:51
  nervous
• 3:51
  system
• 3:51
  that
• 3:52
  feels
• 3:52
  attacked.
• 3:54
  You
• 3:54
  can't
• 3:54
  build
• 3:54
  self
• 3:55
  trust
• 3:55
  while
• 3:55
  you
• 3:55
  are
• 3:55
  bullying
• 3:56
  yourself.
• 3:57
  You
• 3:57
  can't
• 3:57
  feel
• 3:57
  grounded
• 3:58
  while
• 3:58
  you're
• 3:58
  emotionally
• 3:59
  punching
• 3:59
  yourself
• 4:00
  in
• 4:00
  the
• 4:00
  face.
• 4:02
  Self
• 4:02
  hatred
• 4:03
  keeps
• 4:03
  you
• 4:03
  dysregulated.
• 4:04
  And
• 4:04
  a
• 4:04
  dysregulated
• 4:05
  woman
• 4:06
  doubts
• 4:06
  everything.
• 4:09
  A
• 4:09
  lot
• 4:09
  of
• 4:10
  self
• 4:10
  hatred
• 4:10
  is
• 4:10
  tied
• 4:11
  to
• 4:11
  external
• 4:11
  validation.
• 4:12
  When
• 4:13
  you
• 4:13
  rely
• 4:13
  on
• 4:13
  other
• 4:14
  people's
• 4:14
  approval
• 4:14
  to
• 4:15
  determine
• 4:15
  your
• 4:15
  worth,
• 4:16
  you
• 4:16
  become
• 4:17
  hyper
• 4:17
  aware
• 4:17
  of
• 4:18
  judgment.
• 4:19
  And
• 4:19
  when
• 4:19
  someone
• 4:19
  disapproves,
• 4:20
  you
• 4:20
  internalize
• 4:21
  it.
• 4:22
  But
• 4:22
  the
• 4:22
  truth
• 4:22
  is
• 4:23
  there
• 4:23
  is
• 4:23
  no
• 4:23
  link
• 4:24
  between
• 4:24
  someone's
• 4:24
  approval
• 4:25
  and
• 4:25
  your
• 4:26
  self
• 4:26
  worth.
• 4:27
  You're
• 4:27
  just
• 4:27
  giving
• 4:27
  it
• 4:27
  a
• 4:28
  link.
• 4:30
  People
• 4:31
  protect
• 4:31
  their
• 4:32
  insecurities.
• 4:33
  People
• 4:33
  judge
• 4:34
  to
• 4:34
  feel
• 4:34
  superior.
• 4:35
  People
• 4:36
  form
• 4:36
  opinions
• 4:37
  without
• 4:37
  knowing
• 4:38
  your
• 4:38
  story.
• 4:39
  And
• 4:39
  when
• 4:39
  you
• 4:39
  let
• 4:40
  their
• 4:40
  voice
• 4:40
  become
• 4:41
  louder
• 4:41
  than
• 4:41
  your
• 4:42
  own,
• 4:42
  you
• 4:43
  lose
• 4:43
  your
• 4:44
  center.
• 4:45
  The
• 4:45
  only
• 4:45
  opinion
• 4:46
  that
• 4:46
  has
• 4:46
  the
• 4:47
  power
• 4:47
  to
• 4:47
  define
• 4:48
  you
• 4:49
  is
• 4:49
  yours.
• 4:50
  But
• 4:51
  if
• 4:51
  your
• 4:52
  opinion
• 4:52
  of
• 4:52
  yourself
• 4:53
  is
• 4:53
  cool
• 4:53
  rule,
• 4:54
  you
• 4:54
  will
• 4:54
  never
• 4:55
  feel
• 4:55
  confident
• 4:55
  no
• 4:56
  matter
• 4:56
  how
• 4:57
  much
• 4:57
  you
• 4:58
  achieve.
• 5:00
  Now
• 5:01
  I
• 5:01
  want
• 5:01
  you
• 5:01
  to
• 5:01
  understand
• 5:02
  something.
• 5:02
  Holding
• 5:03
  yourself
• 5:03
  accountable
• 5:04
  is
• 5:04
  healthy.
• 5:05
  I'm
• 5:05
  not
• 5:06
  saying
• 5:06
  that
• 5:06
  it's
• 5:06
  not.
• 5:07
  But
• 5:07
  self
• 5:07
  hatred
• 5:08
  is
• 5:08
  where
• 5:09
  we
• 5:09
  get
• 5:09
  into
• 5:09
  danger.
• 5:10
  Accountability
• 5:11
  says
• 5:12
  that
• 5:12
  didn't
• 5:13
  go
• 5:13
  well.
• 5:13
  What
• 5:14
  can
• 5:14
  I
• 5:14
  learn?
• 5:15
  Self
• 5:15
  hatred
• 5:15
  says
• 5:16
  you're
• 5:16
  terrible.
• 5:17
  You
• 5:17
  always
• 5:18
  ruin
• 5:18
  things.
• 5:19
  Accountability
• 5:20
  corrects
• 5:21
  behavior.
• 5:22
  Self
• 5:22
  hatred
• 5:23
  attacks
• 5:23
  identity.
• 5:24
  When
• 5:25
  you
• 5:25
  confuse
• 5:25
  it
• 5:25
  to.
• 5:26
  You
• 5:26
  justify
• 5:27
  emotional
• 5:27
  abuse
• 5:28
  in
• 5:28
  the
• 5:28
  name
• 5:28
  of
• 5:29
  growth.
• 5:30
  You
• 5:30
  would
• 5:30
  never
• 5:31
  speak
• 5:31
  to
• 5:31
  your
• 5:31
  friend
• 5:32
  the
• 5:32
  same
• 5:33
  way
• 5:33
  that
• 5:33
  you
• 5:33
  speak
• 5:33
  to
• 5:33
  yourself.
• 5:34
  So
• 5:35
  why
• 5:35
  is
• 5:35
  it
• 5:35
  acceptable
• 5:36
  when
• 5:36
  it's
• 5:36
  you?
• 5:38
  I
• 5:39
  want
• 5:39
  you
• 5:39
  to
• 5:39
  notice
• 5:39
  something
• 5:41
  the
• 5:41
  next
• 5:41
  time
• 5:41
  you
• 5:42
  mess
• 5:42
  up.
• 5:43
  Even
• 5:43
  when
• 5:43
  it's
• 5:44
  something
• 5:44
  small,
• 5:46
  pay
• 5:46
  attention
• 5:46
  to
• 5:46
  the
• 5:47
  first
• 5:47
  thing
• 5:47
  that
• 5:48
  you
• 5:48
  say
• 5:48
  to
• 5:48
  yourself.
• 5:49
  Is
• 5:50
  it
• 5:50
  kind
• 5:51
  or
• 5:51
  is
• 5:51
  it
• 5:51
  cruel?
• 5:52
  Would
• 5:53
  you
• 5:53
  say
• 5:53
  that
• 5:53
  to
• 5:53
  a
• 5:54
  child?
• 5:54
  Would
• 5:55
  you
• 5:55
  say
• 5:55
  that
• 5:55
  to
• 5:56
  someone
• 5:56
  that
• 5:56
  you
• 5:56
  love?
• 5:58
  If
• 5:58
  not,
• 5:59
  why
• 5:59
  is
• 5:59
  it
• 5:59
  okay
• 6:00
  to
• 6:00
  say
• 6:00
  it
• 6:00
  to
• 6:00
  you?
• 6:01
  The
• 6:02
  voice
• 6:02
  in
• 6:02
  your
• 6:02
  head
• 6:03
  is
• 6:03
  so
• 6:04
  powerful
• 6:05
  and
• 6:05
  it
• 6:05
  is
• 6:05
  shaping
• 6:06
  your
• 6:06
  reality
• 6:07
  more
• 6:08
  than
• 6:08
  you
• 6:08
  realize.
• 6:12
  Quieting
• 6:12
  self
• 6:12
  hatred
• 6:13
  doesn't
• 6:13
  mean
• 6:14
  that
• 6:14
  you
• 6:14
  become
• 6:14
  delusional.
• 6:16
  It
• 6:16
  means
• 6:16
  that
• 6:16
  you
• 6:16
  become
• 6:17
  compassionate.
• 6:18
  When
• 6:19
  your
• 6:19
  inner
• 6:19
  bully
• 6:20
  says
• 6:20
  you're
• 6:21
  not
• 6:21
  worth
• 6:21
  anything,
• 6:22
  you
• 6:22
  counter
• 6:23
  it
• 6:23
  with
• 6:23
  I
• 6:24
  may
• 6:24
  feel
• 6:24
  disappointed,
• 6:25
  but
• 6:25
  I
• 6:25
  am
• 6:25
  still
• 6:26
  worthy.
• 6:27
  When
• 6:27
  it
• 6:28
  says
• 6:28
  you
• 6:28
  always
• 6:29
  fail,
• 6:30
  you
• 6:30
  say,
• 6:31
  that
• 6:31
  didn't
• 6:31
  work
• 6:31
  out,
• 6:32
  but
• 6:32
  that
• 6:32
  doesn't
• 6:33
  define
• 6:33
  me.
• 6:35
  You
• 6:35
  can
• 6:35
  learn
• 6:36
  to
• 6:36
  tame
• 6:36
  your
• 6:37
  inner
• 6:37
  bully
• 6:37
  by
• 6:38
  switching
• 6:38
  the
• 6:39
  narrative.
• 6:40
  And
• 6:40
  here's
• 6:41
  the
• 6:41
  key.
• 6:42
  You
• 6:42
  don't
• 6:42
  have
• 6:42
  to
• 6:43
  become
• 6:43
  your
• 6:43
  biggest
• 6:43
  cheerleader
• 6:44
  overnight.
• 6:45
  You
• 6:45
  just
• 6:45
  have
• 6:45
  to
• 6:46
  stop
• 6:47
  being
• 6:47
  your
• 6:47
  biggest
• 6:48
  enemy.
• 6:50
  So
• 6:50
  if
• 6:50
  this
• 6:50
  note
• 6:51
  feel
• 6:51
  confronting
• 6:52
  good
• 6:53
  not
• 6:53
  because
• 6:53
  I
• 6:53
  want
• 6:53
  to
• 6:53
  shame
• 6:54
  you,
• 6:54
  but
• 6:54
  because
• 6:54
  I
• 6:55
  want
• 6:55
  you
• 6:55
  to
• 6:55
  see
• 6:56
  how
• 6:56
  much
• 6:56
  better
• 6:57
  you
• 6:57
  deserve,
• 6:58
  even
• 6:58
  from
• 6:59
  yourself.
• 7:00
  You
• 7:01
  cannot
• 7:01
  hate
• 7:01
  yourself
• 7:02
  into
• 7:02
  becoming
• 7:03
  someone
• 7:03
  that
• 7:03
  you
• 7:03
  love.
• 7:04
  You
• 7:04
  can't
• 7:05
  bully
• 7:05
  yourself
• 7:05
  into
• 7:06
  confidence,
• 7:07
  and
• 7:07
  you
• 7:07
  can't
• 7:08
  build
• 7:08
  a
• 7:08
  peaceful
• 7:09
  life
• 7:09
  while
• 7:09
  waging
• 7:10
  a
• 7:10
  war
• 7:10
  inside
• 7:11
  your
• 7:11
  own
• 7:11
  head.
• 7:13
  Be
• 7:13
  firm,
• 7:14
  be
• 7:15
  accountable,
• 7:15
  but
• 7:16
  stop
• 7:17
  being
• 7:17
  cruel.
• 7:18
  Your
• 7:19
  inner
• 7:19
  child
• 7:19
  is
• 7:20
  still
• 7:20
  listening,
• 7:21
  and
• 7:21
  the
• 7:22
  way
• 7:22
  that
• 7:22
  you
• 7:22
  speak
• 7:22
  to
• 7:23
  yourself,
• 7:24
  that's
• 7:24
  either
• 7:24
  building
• 7:25
  your
• 7:25
  confidence
• 7:26
  or
• 7:26
  breaking
• 7:27
  it.
• 7:27
  So
• 7:27
  choose
• 7:28
  wisely.
• 7:34
  Sa.