Latest / 🎙️ Rebuild & Fulfill Real conversations on burnout, rebuilding, and becoming stronger than before. / Don’t Wait Until It’s Obvious: How to Reach In When Someone Is Struggling
Transcript
- Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Tomorrow I'm releasing one of the most powerful episodes I've ever recorded. In that episode, I talk openly about my own experience with suicidal thoughts and what was happening inside me when the people around me could not see it. But I also understand that tomorrow's conversation may be difficult for some people to hear. It may bring up painful emotions. Some people may not feel ready for it, and others may simply decide that hearing my personal story is just not right for them. That's exactly why I wanted to release this episode first. This subject is too important for my story, or someone else's discomfort with it, or the possibility of being triggered by it stand in the way of sharing information that really could help someone. So today is not about my story. Today is about what you can do if you believe somebody may be struggling, and what you can do if the person that's struggling is you. Because you do not need to be a therapist. You do not need special training. And you do not need to have the perfect words in order to help someone. Sometimes you just simply need to notice, ask, listen, and stay. Welcome back to Rebuild and Fulfill, a Suffer to Tougher podcast about resilience, rebuilding, and creating a life that is not defined by what you have been through. I'm your host, Kelsey Dunbar, and I'm flying solo today because I want to make this episode as simple as possible to give everyone some helpful guidelines to use when you or someone you love might be in a moment of crisis. Before we continue, I want to say this clearly. This episode discusses suicide and emotional distress. If you're in the United States and you're experiencing suicidal thoughts or emotional distress, call or text 988 to reach the suicide and crisis lifeline. You can also contact 988 if you're concerned about someone else. If there is an immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. If you are outside the United States, please contact your local emergency services or crisis support line. One of the most dangerous assumptions we can make. Is that we would automatically know if someone close to us were struggling. We imagine that it would be obvious. We think they would stop going to work or stop talking to people or suddenly become unable to function. Sometimes those changes do happen and they should not be ignored. But sometimes the person who is struggling still shows up. They go to work, they take care of their children, they exercise, they laugh, they make plans. They help other people with their problems. They may even appear to be the strongest person in the room. What we see on the outside does not always tell us what someone is carrying on the inside. You do not need proof that someone is suicidal before checking on them. If something feels different, trust yourself enough to start a conversation. You might say, You haven't seen yourself lately. How are you really doing? I've noticed you've been pulling away. Is something going on? You've said a few things that have concerned me. Can we talk? The goal is not to diagnose them. The goal is to open a door. Most of us are comfortable asking, are you okay? The problem is that, are you okay? is very easy to answer with, I'm fine. Sometimes we need to go one step further. if you are concerned that someone may be thinking about suicide, it is okay to ask them directly, are you thinking about suicide? Or are you thinking about hurting yourself? That question may feel frightening. You may worry that saying the word will make the situation worse or put the idea in their head. It does not. Asking directly can communicate that you are willing to hear the real answer. It removes the need for that person to hint, pretend, or find the perfect words themselves. If they say no, you can still let them know that you care and that you are available. If they say yes, take them seriously. Do not assume that they're seeking attention. Do not dismiss it because they seem calm. Do not decide that they would never actually do it. Stay present and continue the conversation. When someone tells us that they are hurting, our instinct may be immediately to make the pain go away. We start offering solutions. We remind them about their family, their career, or all the people who love them. We tell them that things will get better. We may even try to convince them that they should not feel the way that they feel. Those reactions often come from love, but they can unintentionally make someone feel even more misunderstood. In that moment, your job is not to solve their entire life. Your job is to listen. You can say, I'm really glad you told me. I'm here with you. You don't have to carry this alone. I may not completely understand what you're feeling, but I want to understand. What do you need from me right now? Try not to interrupt, debate, lecture, or compare their pain to somebody else's. Let them speak. Silence can feel uncomfortable, but you do not need to fill every second of it. Sometimes simply sitting with someone without judging them is one of the most powerful things you can do. Listening matters, but if someone may be in danger, the conversation cannot end with Call me if you need anything. Help them take the next step. Ask them, who else can we bring into this conversation? Do you have a therapist or a doctor we can contact? Would you be willing to call or text 988 with me? Is there somewhere safe we can go? If you believe there's an immediate risk, do not leave the person alone. Contact emergency services Or help them to get to an emergency room. If it can be done safely, create distance between the person and anything they could use to harm themselves. Do not promise to keep suicidal thoughts a secret. Their safety is more important than protecting that secret. You're not betraying somebody by helping them stay alive. You are standing beside them during a moment when they may not be able to stand alone. I also want to speak directly to anyone listening who may be struggling themselves right now. You do not need to explain everything perfectly. You do not need to understand exactly why you feel this way. You only need to tell one person enough truth to help them recognize. that you should not be left alone with this. If you cannot find the words, borrow these. I'm not okay. And I need someone to stay with me. I'm having thoughts about suicide and I need help. I don't feel safe being alone right now. I don't know how to explain everything, but I need you. You can say those words out loud. You can send them in a text message. You can show someone this episode. You can call or text 988 and simply say, I don't know where to begin. You do not need to wait until you're certain that you are in a crisis. You do not need to prove that your pain is serious enough to deserve help. If you're hurting, that's enough reason to reach out. Checking on someone once matters. Checking again can matter just as much. Many people receive attention during the most visible part of a crisis, but that support may disappear once everyone assumes the danger is past. Send another message tomorrow. Call them next week. Invite them to coffee. Take a walk with them or sit with them. without requiring them to pretend that everything's suddenly better. You can say, I've been thinking about you. How are you doing today? You don't have to give me the easy answer. I meant what I said. I'm still here. Support should not disappear simply because the crisis is no longer visible. As I said, tomorrow I'm going to share more of my own experience. I'm going to talk about what it was like to live with the thoughts that many people around me could not see and what was happening behind the version of me that continued to function. But my story is only one story. Some people may be helped by hearing it, some may not be ready. For others, it may be too close to something that they're currently experiencing or have experienced in the past. I respect all of those reactions. That is why I did not want my story to be the only way this information reached people. You do not have to listen tomorrow to take something important away from today. Notice when someone seems different. Ask the direct question. Listen without judgment. Help them connect with support. Stay when the moment becomes uncomfortable. Follow up after everyone else assumes they are okay. And if you're the one struggling, please tell someone. You do not have to tell the entire story. Just say enough to let another person step into it with you. You do not have to possess the perfect words to make a difference. Sometimes the most important words are simply, I see you. I'm here. Tell me what is really happening. You're not facing this alone. Again, if you are in the United States and need immediate emotional support, call or text 988. The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If there's an immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. Tomorrow, I'll share my story. Today, I'm asking you to check on someone else and to be honest enough to reach out if the person who needs help. You Keep rebuilding, keep reaching for one another, and remember, you're not broken. You may simply be carrying more than you were ever meant to carry alone.